


Beautiful Mess

by WildHurricane



Series: Beautiful Mess [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, M/M, Original Character(s), Romance, Secret Relationship, sexual awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-03-03 05:58:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 290,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13334916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildHurricane/pseuds/WildHurricane
Summary: What do you say when your very straight friend tells you he wants to know what it's like to kiss a guy and all you want to say is "kiss me".Kurt is secretly in love with his best friend Blaine. He's recently figured out he's gay, but hasn't told anyone. Especially not Blaine. Or his girlfriend.Blaine is confused and in denial about why he wants to kiss Kurt. He's not gay. He has a long line of girlfriends to prove that.Both are scared what it will do to their friendship if the other finds out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a long, slow moving story that will take place over the course of five years, starting in 2012 and ending up in 2017. Each chapter is told from either Kurt's or Blaine's POV (or occasionally someone else's). The beginning of each chapter will let you know who's the narrator. Some chapters will be very short (in which case I'll probably post two at the time), others very long.  
> The story is told from the first person POV, but please don't let that discourage you from continue reading. I know many don't like the first person POV, but in my opinion this story wouldn't be what it is if it was told in the third person POV. With the first person POV it gives me the possibility to really get inside their heads and share their most inner thoughts, which is an essential part of this story. 
> 
> This is a story about falling in love, about coming out, and exploring your sexuality, but it's also a story about heartbreak, about giving up and moving forward but never forgetting or moving on. It's a story about trying to find a way back several years down the line, but is it too late? Has too much happened for that to be a real possibility? It's a story about finding out who you are and deciding who you want to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native tongue so you will probably notice some errors, please try to look past them because it gets better. From chapter 10 roxymusicandlayers agreed to beta this story and because of her there will be a lot less errors. She's also the one who created the amazing art work for this story! ❤

****

**Blaine, Tuesday June 1st 2012, 8.33 pm**

“Kurt, have you ever wondered what it would be like to kiss a guy?” I keep my eyes on the words in the textbook in front of me, words that I haven’t been able to focus on for the past twenty minutes. I don’t dare to look at Kurt but I can feel him eyeing me suspiciously. It takes a few seconds too long before he answers.

“You must really have taken this break up with Maddie harder than you let on. Why do you go around thinking about such things?” Kurt asks skeptically.

“I just wonder if it feels differently from kissing a girl, that’s all.”

“Is this your way of telling me that you are gay Blaine?”

“No!” I say a little too hasty. “No, I’m just curious I guess. I mean girl’s lips are soft and warm, because girls are soft and warm. Will a guy’s lips feel hard or rough or are they the same as girls?” I look up at him, but I don’t look him in the eyes.

“Lips are lips. I assume they feel the same,” Kurt answers with a shrug and taps his pencil repeatedly on the notepad in front of him.

“You never thought about this?”

“No, why would I? Are you sure you are okay? You say you’re not upset about Maddie breaking up with you, but now I start to wonder…”

“Ah, I don’t care about Maddie, she’s just a stupid girl. There will be others…” I haven’t cared about Maddie in a long time.

“She’s not any stupid girl, she’s the girl you’ve been dating for 6 months, that’s sort of a record for you.”

“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about her. It’s over, there’s nothing I can do about it. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“So you rather talk about kissing guys.” I can feel Kurt’s eyes on me, searching to meet mine, but I refuse to look at him. I can’t. Instead I reach a hand under my beanie, and scratch the back of my head absentmindedly. “You know, if you are gay I’m totally okay with that.”

“I’m not. It was just a stupid question, okay. Let’s just forget I said something.”

“Okay.” Kurt uses the pencil to push his glasses in place and thankfully drops the subject. His eyes leave me and return to the books in front of him. We’re sitting by the kitchen table in Kurt’s home, studying for our final exams. In almost two weeks we will graduate High School.

I actually don’t want to know what it’s like to kiss a guy. I have no interest in kissing guys. I want to know what it’s like to kiss Kurt.


	2. Chapter 2

**Kurt, Tuesday June 1st 2012, 11.13 pm**

I think I’ve been in love with Blaine since the first day I met him. Of course I didn’t realize what it was back then, we were after all only ten and love is not something that occupies your brain very much at that age. At least not love for another guy when you expect to grow up and fall in love with girls because that’s all you know. No it wasn’t until about one year ago that I first began to understand.

Blaine and I have been friends since he transferred to my school in fifth grade. He'd moved to Lima with his mom and older brother from some small town in Kentucky (I can never remember which one). First day of school he came and sat next to me during lunch, offering to trade my chocolate chip cookies for his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was too stunned to say no and we’ve been friends ever since. 

I was a lonely kid back then. I wasn’t bullied or anything like that, more like just ignored by the kids in my grade. I was shy for sure, but there wasn’t really anything that stood out that would make people not want to be my friend. Nobody saw me until Blaine did. Maybe that’s why I fell in love with him?

Blaine was the type of person who liked to draw attention to himself back then. I think it had something to do with being neglected by his mom and the need to have attention and be liked by someone else. He quickly made a bunch of new friends anyway. He was a very likable kid, he was funny and quick-witted, kind and fair, he treated you with respect until you did something disrespectful to him or his friends. When that happened, well just trust me you didn’t want to be on the receiving end of that. He’s still all those things, but with a much more laidback attitude these days. He doesn’t have the need for confirmation anymore.

Our inner-circle is a solid group of friends now, and I would do pretty much anything for any of them. Blaine is still my best friend, the one I trust the most. For some reason, back then when I was the shy kid who didn’t speak unless spoken to, I found it easy to trust Blaine and open up to him. I don’t know if it was the way he treated me like he actually wanted to be my friend more than I wanted to be his, or if it was the way he always defended me and had my back, but somehow he made it easy.

For a long time I was certain he would grow tired of me and start to ignore me too, like everyone else had in my past. Who wants to be friends with the quiet kid right? I waited for it to happen but it never did. We’re the type of friends that tell each other everything, the everyday stuff and the hard stuff.

That’s why realizing I’m in love with him is so hard. I can’t tell him this. I’m dreading all the ways our friendship could change if he found out. I can’t lose him. I can’t lose what we have and him finding out that I’m in love with him is a sure way to complicate things.

Understanding that I was in love with Blaine, and accepting it was two different things. It frightened me and I ignored my feelings for the longest time, scared of what it meant and scared of what it made me. I suppressed what I felt because I didn’t want to be any more different than I already was, I don’t think anybody does. I think it took me at least half a year before I could think about the term gay and myself in the same sentence.

Even then, I still tried to ignore my feelings, ignore myself, and pretend that they didn’t exist because I so desperately didn’t want to be a freak. And then I did something stupid. I gave into the girl that had been coming on to me for months. I got my first girlfriend. I’d never had a girlfriend before and even though I knew, there was still this part of me that told me that if I haven’t been with a girl how can I know I don’t want to.

It didn’t change anything though. I’m still gay. I’m still in love with Blaine. 

And now he’s talking about kissing guys and I have to pretend so hard that his words aren’t affecting me. I have to bring out my best acting skills and act as though the thought that occupies every living fiber within me has never crossed my mind. Because he doesn’t mean it. There’s a long list of past girlfriends that proves that.

Just because I want him to be gay and he’s talking about kissing guys doesn’t mean that he is. He isn’t. It would be a beautiful story if he was, but things like that doesn’t happen in my life and I need to stop thinking about it. I should think about more important things. Like Emily.

Stringing her along when I’m never going to be the person she thinks I am is mean. I know. I’m just stupidly scared that someone, anyone, will find out my secret if I break up with her. I can’t take that risk. I can’t go back to being an outcast. Still, I should probably do something about her.

Laying in my bed, I keep replaying our conversation from earlier today, but in this version it ends completely different. In the scene playing out in my head, I tell him he can kiss me and we do and it’s fireworks and I tell him everything and he tells me he loves me too. 

A guy can dream right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like leaving a comment, nothing would make me happier!
> 
> Thanks you for reading this far, and for giving my story a chance. It's going to be a rollercoaster ride, but it will have a happy ending, I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

**Blaine, Monday June 14th 2012, 1.45 pm**

It’s been two weeks since I told Kurt I wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy. We haven’t talked about it since, and I've been kind of avoiding spending time alone with him. Which is stupid because I like hanging out with him. And it’s also stupid because it’s not real. 

These thoughts are confusing. I can’t really explain them. I don’t want to kiss him and it’s all I can think about at the same time. I chose not to think about it and that’s why I’ve been avoiding him. I don’t know how to explain it to him if he asks (and he will). Then again, there’s nothing to explain because it’s not real.

It can’t be. Kissing Kurt would mean something and that’s not who I am. I can’t be gay and I can’t like Kurt like that. And even if I did, which I don’t, it would be completely useless seeing as Kurt has a girlfriend. No, this has to be something else. Maybe it’s because Kurt and I are as close as two friends can be, and I care more about him than any other person in my life. Maybe there’s a wrong wiring in my brain making it confuse that close friendship for something else?

Hopefully, Kurt won’t have noticed my absence, maybe he won’t be mad at all at me. That’s wishful thinking and I know it, but I don’t want things to become weird between us. What I need to do is snap out of this weird mind space I’m currently in. I just want things to go back to normal. 

I want me to go back to normal.

We’ve all been busy with graduating High School. This is the last summer we have together, me and my friends, before we all go our separate ways for college. We have decided to spend as much time together as we can before we split up. It will be an _epic summer_ (Puck’s words, not mine).

Today we’re meeting at Breadstix for lunch. It’s the first day of summer but it feels more like the first day of fall. The rain is pouring down outside and the walk from my car to the restaurant isn’t all that appealing, but my friends are waiting for me so I pull down my beanie, dash out of the car and make a run across the parking lot.

I spot my loud group of friends immediately, they are quite eye catching. There’s Puck with his Mohawk, there’s Mike and Tina who can’t stop kissing each other, there’s Quinn who you’d think is an innocent and sweet girl, based on the preppy clothes she’s wearing, but really she’s quite the opposite, and there’s Sam who’s the biggest goofball of them all. And then there is Kurt. I don’t have any words to describe Kurt other than he’s beautiful, my absolute best friend and he’s got a different taste in clothes. Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad, just different, more fashionable than your average Lima, Ohio resident.

I slide in next to Puck and start nibbling at a stale breadstick even though I don’t particularly like them. I know Kurt is looking at me, but I can’t face his stare so I turn to fist bump Puck instead.

“What’s up, Anderson?”

“Can you believe that we finally graduated?” I say.

“This summer is going to be great!” Sam says. “One final summer of freedom!”

“But it’s also so sad, it’s going to be our last summer together,” Tina adds. “When is everyone leaving?”

Kurt and I are both moving to New York. It wasn’t a surprise to us or anybody that we wanted to study in the same city. We won’t be studying the same subjects, our interests are quite different, but going to New York together was always a known fact to us. I will study music and Kurt will study fashion. It’s funny because when I first got to know Kurt he was the one least interested in clothes, maybe because he was living alone with his dad and going shopping for cloth was probably not their favorite thing to do. It’s been fun seeing him grow into the man he is today with every outfit he wears he´s making a fashion statement. I’m sure he will succeed greatly in the world of fashion.

Music has always been my hobby. I learned how to play the guitar when I was twelve and apparently I can sing as well. Kurt pushed me to apply for a music program for which I am forever grateful. I aced my audition and now I get to do the thing I love and live in the city of my dreams.

The rest of the gang is spreading out all across the country. Quinn is going to Yale, she’s got her head set on becoming a lawyer. Mike and Tina are both going to Boston, Mike to MIT and Tina to Harvard Medical School. Puck is going to LA, not to study but to pursue an acting career. Sam is staying Ohio, he wants to become a teacher for God knows whatever reason.

We are quite a diversified group of friends, but we’ve been friends for so long that we’ve come to like that about each other.

“Summer has just begun, let’s not think about the end already,” I say because it gets me sad thinking about not hanging out with these guys every day. “We’ve all been busy with graduation, but does anyone have any plans on what we should do this summer?”

“Let’s go on a road trip!” Puck exclaims. “Let’s just get in a car and drive away from here.”

“I can’t do that, I have to work,” Sam says sadly. We all know that his family can’t pay for his college tuition so he has to rely on scholarships and the salary from his job. Actually we are all saving our money for college so even though a road trip sounds appealing, none of us have the money to go.

“Well you know my parents left for Europe yesterday,” Quinn starts and lean into Puck, flinging her hair slightly in the process, making it fall over Puck’s face so that he has to brush it away, “so my house will be empty for the next eight weeks. You’re all welcome to hang out whenever you want to.”

“I can’t believe your parents leaves you home alone for eight weeks the summer before you go to college,” Kurt says with a lot of pity and disbelief in his voice.

“My parents care more about appearances than they do about me, so…” Quinn shrugs.

We all know it’s true, but still we sit in silence a while. I know she pretends like it doesn’t bother her when in fact she would like nothing more than for her parents to notice her.

“Cool,” Puck finally says, “I guess the Fabray residence is our summer hangout.” He places an arm around her shoulder protectively and squeezes her close to him.

“I’m hungry, can we order something to eat already?” Quinn says as a way to change the subject.

“Is Emily coming, should we wait for her before we order?” Tina asks.

Kurt looks down at his intertwined fingers on the table. “She’s not coming.” He looks uncomfortable. “I broke up with her last night…”

_WHAT?!?_

“What?” Everybody echoes my thought although my question remains in my mind. I look at him and he looks sad and relieved at the same time.

“Why did you do that?” Tina asks “I thought you and Emily were great together.”

“It was going to happen sooner or later anyway, with me moving away and her staying here for her final year. I want to spend my last summer with you guys and I don’t want to be tied down and having her being upset and sad which would end up making me sad as well. It was better to do it now.”

He looks up at me, but I look away. I know I should be upset or sad or something, like the others, but I’m not. I wasn’t looking forward to a summer of watching Kurt and Emily being all relationshipy and cute, making out every five minutes. We get enough of that from Mike and Tina.

And it’s not because I want to be the one making out with him. I swear it’s not. It’s almost not that. Maybe it’s a little bit that.

We order our food and continue discussing ideas for what to do this summer, but not really making any plans. I notice that Kurt keeps glancing over at me but I pretend that I don’t notice. I don’t know why I’m ignoring him, because really I don’t want to. I’m just nervous I guess, that he’ll figure out that it’s him that I thinking about kissing him if I meet his eye. It’s not okay really, I have stop this. He’s smart but he’s not a mind reader. Ignoring him is more suspicious.

When we get up to leave, I put my arm around Kurt’s shoulder making sure no one hears me.

“Do you want to hang out just the two of us tonight?” I ask him.

“Oh, so you’ve stopped ignoring me now?” Kurt replies.

Of course Kurt had noticed, nothing gets pass him. There’s no point in trying to pretend that he is wrong, he will call me out on it if I do. Kurt might still be quiet and shy in larger groups sometimes, but with me he’s always honest and tells me if I’m out of line.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, “it’s just been a lot to deal with, with graduation and all.”

It’s a lie and he knows it.

“Whatever.” He shrugs out of my hold.

Okay he’s upset, I guess I deserve it.

“Come on Kurt, can’t we just hang and talk?”

He looks at me like he’s trying to figure me out. Shit, what if he actually is a mind reader? “Sure,” he says finally. “Wanna come over to my place?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

I’m glad he’s not making this more difficult for me, I’m sure he will though. When we’re alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Kurt, Monday June 14th 2012, 6.37 pm**

I say goodbye to our friends and walk out of Quinn’s house. I get into Blaine’s car and we drive over to my house. Dad will have dinner ready at seven and I don’t want to be late. I know I should probably be the one making dinner since I’m not in school anymore and he has been working the entire day, but it being the first week of the summer after my High School graduation, I think I’m allowed a little chill time.

The ride to my place is mostly quiet. Blaine’s not the only one that has been evasive, I have been avoiding him as well, but I don’t think I have been that obvious about it. There became this weird vibe between us after he said those words. For a few days I was convinced he knew about me and that’s why he asked. Either to test his thesis or to try to get me to tell him. And now he’s been avoiding me because I wasn’t honest with him.

But he can’t know. How could he? I’m just being paranoid. There is also another reason for me keeping away from Blaine. I’m afraid of blurting it out. If he starts talking about kissing guys again, I’m not sure I can hold it in. I’m scared it will come out all rushed and wrong and in the most ill-considered moment. So I figured that maybe I should keep my distance for a while, give myself some space and time to figure out how and if I want to tell him. 

Not that I needed to because Blaine did the avoiding part for me. His absence in my life makes me wonder, if he doesn’t know about me, why has he been avoiding me? Why hasn’t he called me or returned my calls? The time I haven’t spent obsessing about whether Blaine knows or not and whether or not I should tell him, I’ve been pretty upset with him for his absence. That’s why I’ve been rather harsh towards him today and I think he knows I’m upset.

“Do you think it will be okay with your dad if I stay for dinner?” Blaine asks as he wrings his fingers around the steering wheel nervously. I honestly think he wants to know if I’m okay with him having dinner with us.

“When has it ever not been okay for you to eat dinner with us? You know dad thinks of you as his second son. He always makes too much food and is disappointed when you don’t show up,” I tell him.

“Okay. Good.”

We go back to silence again after that. It’s true though, dad loves Blaine. He has even given him his own key to our house so that he can come and go as he likes. I think dad was so thrilled when I brought home a friend for the first time that he bent over backwards to make Blaine feel at home in our house. If you ask me I think he spoils Blaine, more than he does his own son. 

Blaine adores my dad, and he looks up to him like a father figure. Blaine’s dad walked out on them when Blaine was five years old and his mom never re-married. Blaine’s relationship with his mother is strained, and my dad and our home has been his place of stability ever since we became friends.

When we get to my house, I can hear my dad rummaging around in the kitchen.

“Hi, Dad!” I call out and toe of my shoes.

“Hi, Kurt, come in here,” he calls back, “you’ve got to taste this sauce I did.”

I walk into the kitchen and Blaine follows me.

“Oh, hi Blaine! Good to see you buddy.” He moves to give Blaine a hug, which Blaine willingly accept. “Haven’t seen you in a while, everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything is alright.”

“Good, good. Here taste this,” Dad says and hands us each a spoon. “Good, right?” he says with a big grin.

I roll my eyes at my dad, he thinks he is a master chef and sure he can pull of a descent Pasta Carbonara but as for the rest of his dishes… But I humor him, at least he has been cooking dinner for us.

“It’s good dad,” I tell him.

“It’s great, Burt!” Blaine says. “You really outdid yourself with this one.”

It’s typical Blaine to flatter my dad and my dad always smiles like a kid when Blaine compliments him.

“Ha! I told you it was good. Come on let’s eat now, I hope you are hungry, Blaine, there’s plenty of food.”

“You know me, I’m always hungry,” Blaine smiles back and sits down.

“No hats at the table, you know the rules” dad tells Blaine.

“For the hundredth time dad, it’s not a hat it’s a beanie.” I tell him and roll my eyes because how hard is it to learn that? I have literally told him hundreds of time.

“Whatever,” Dad answers, “it stays of.” 

Blaine hardly ever takes of his beanie, unless he has dinner with us. He obeys and takes it off and even though I’ve seen him without his beanie before, tonight for some reason I see him differently. The wild, messy curls that have been tucked away, spring free and I find him incredibly sexy. I have to force myself to look away so I am not caught staring.

We sit down to eat and I’m surprised at how normal Blaine acts, it’s like the past two weeks didn’t happen. It’s like it was just yesterday he was here chatting with my dad and they just pick up their conversation from then. I sit mostly quiet. I’m nervous I guess about spending time alone with Blaine. But I’m also hoping for some answers.

“I have something for you,” Dad says to Blaine when we’ve finished dinner. He leaves the room for a few minutes before he returns with a small box that he gives to Blaine.

Blaine looks over at me, but I just shrug. “What’s this Burt?”

“It’s your graduation gift,” Dad says with a smile.

“But you already gave me a graduation gift,” Blaine protest.

“Yeah, I know but I couldn’t be there when you opened it so I wanted to give you something else so that I can hug you after you open it.”

Blaine carefully opens the box and pulls out a mélange charcoal guitar pick with an engraved B on it. I know Dad has bought a matching guitar for his 18th birthday later this summer. Blaine has had his guitar since he was twelve and Dad knows that Blaine would never treat himself to a new one even if he had the money. But Dad wants him to have the best conditions when he start his music career in New York.

“This is beautiful, thank you Burt.” Blaine gets up and gives Dad the hug he’s been waiting for. “And there’s a _B_ for Burt.”

“Well actually it’s _B_ for Blaine,” Dad says.

“Nah, for me it’s _B_ for Burt,” Blaine says and I can see how proud Dad is. This means a lot to him.

“Well I just wanted to give you something so that you’ll remember me when you’re in New York and I hope you can use this when you make your dreams come true.”

“Like I could forget you,” Blaine says and nudge my dad’s shoulder with his own. “I love it, I’m gonna use it every day. Thank you”

“God, you guys are so sappy,” I tell them.

“You’re just jealous of our connection and the awesome gift your dad got me,” Blaine teases. His eyes meet mine for a second but then he looks away again.

“Whatever,” I smile back. It’s good to see Blaine this relaxed. I don’t know what’s been going on with him lately, but right now he’s back to being his normal self, my best friend, and I like it.

“So shall we watch football or a movie?” Dad asks when I start to clear the table.

“Actually, I think Blaine and I will just hang out in my room,” I tell my dad.

“Oh… yes of course.” I know my dad is disappointed but Blaine and I really need to talk. 

We take care of the dishes before we head down to my room. My room is in the basement. It’s big, it has its own entrance and bathroom but best of all it’s very secluded from the rest of the house. Dad always made me leave the door open when Emily was down here with me, which was funny because Emily wanted to wait until after she was married. Now I close the door behind us as we walk down the stairs.

Blaine slumps down in my armchair, fidgeting with his plectrum, and I sit down on my bed, resting against the headboard. I look at Blaine, his hair still adorably messy without the beanie to hold it in place, but he doesn’t look at me and I think that he is also nervous to be down here alone with me.

“So, are you gonna tell me why you’ve been avoiding me?” I ask him, straight to the point.

“I told you I wasn’t avoiding you, I’ve just been busy with graduating.”

“That’s bullshit, Blaine, I’ve seen you hanging out with Sam and Quinn but you won’t even return my calls.”

“Well I’ve been trying to figure some things out,” Blaine says evasively.

“About me?” I ask, my heart beating just a little bit faster.

“About myself…”

“And have you? Figured it out?”

“No, but I’m getting there I guess,” Blaine says. I have no idea what he means by that.

“Wanna talk about it? I’m a good listener and I’m also supposed to be your best friend.” 

“You are my best friend,” Blaine says and gives me a small smile.

“But you don’t want to tell me what’s going on? But you can talk to Quinn and Sam about it?” I’m a little bit upset. I thought we trusted each other. I thought we could tell each other everything. Okay maybe not everything since I’m hiding this big secret from him. But that’s different.

“No. Look, I’m just… It’s nothing I promise. Can we please drop it and just hang out? I've missed hanging out with you,” Blaine pleads.

But I’m not able to let it go just yet. “Have I done something to upset you?” I have to know if this has something to do with me. 

Blaine moves over to sit next to me on my bed and takes my hand. He looks at me, really looks at me, for the first time today. “No, you haven’t done anything Kurt. Can we please drop it? It’s nothing, I’ve probably just been working myself up with this fucking graduation. I know I’ve been distant, but I’m here now can we please not argue about this. I just want to hang out with you.”

“Okay,” I say even though I don’t really think it’s okay, but I don’t want to fight with him. I just want things to get back to normal. Whatever it is, I can’t drag it out of him or force him to tell me. He’s not good with words when it comes to the hard stuff. So I drop it. Blaine removes his hand from me and I kind of miss his touch.

“I think there’s something going on between Quinn and Puck.” I say to change the subject. 

It hits me suddenly how close he’s sitting. I’m trying to stay relaxed and not think too much about his closeness. But it is affecting me.

“What?!” Blaine says incredulously and then laughs.

“Haven’t you noticed? They always show up together and they always leave together, and I see the way they look at each other when they think no one is watching. I’m telling you there’s something there.”

“Really? Why haven’t they said anything?”

“Beats me,” I shrug. Seems that everybody is having secrets these days.

“Hmm… Yeah I can see them work out. Quinn needs someone to look out for her and I think Puck might just be the one to do that.”

“How will they make it work though? Soon they will be on complete different sides of the country.”

“This is all hypothetically speaking, we don’t actually know if they are a thing, but some people do manage long-distance relationships.”

“But it’s like 3000 miles between Yale and LA, you can’t just fly over every weekend. I mean I’d love for Quinn and Puck to work out but I just don’t see how they can,” I say.

“You’re not really a fan of long-distance relationships, huh?” Blaine asks and I shake my head. “Is that the real reason you broke up with Emily?”

“Yes,” I answer. It’s not a lie, because I really don’t believe in long-distance relationships. If I’m with someone I want to be able to see them whenever I want. But it’s not the entire truth either.

“I thought you were really cute together, I liked her.”

“So did I,” just not like a girlfriend, “but I don’t see us working out when I leave for New York.” 

“You don’t even want to give it a chance before you decide to end it?”

I don’t know why he is so persistent about this, it’s not like he has really cared about Emily before. I’ve always felt like Blaine tolerated her because she was with me, but he never truly accepted her into our group.

“I don’t see the point in that,” I say. It feels wrong to lie to him. Or maybe not lie, but withholding the truth. I’m afraid that if I keep doing it, this will build into something huge and insurmountable between us. But I just don’t know how to tell him.

“Why not?” Blaine is looking at me intently with those amber colored eyes that I can totally get lost in. And I do loose myself in them and find myself doing what I feared the most. I blurt it out.

“Because I’m gay.” 

I want to retract it as soon as it is out of my mouth, because I really had no intention of telling him that, not yet at least. But now it’s out there and I can’t take it back.

“Are you kidding me now?” Blaine asks.

I can’t bear to look at him, because I’m so scared of his reaction. I look down at my hands instead. I feel so small right now. I don’t know how he will react. My biggest fear is that he will distance himself from me, that he won’t accept who I am.

“No, I’m gay,” I tell him.

“Wh…how…Are you sure? I mean how do you know?” Blaine is shocked, I can tell, but who can blame him. If he were to tell me out of the blue that he was gay, I would be pretty shocked too.

“Yes, I’m sure and I just know. I don’t want to date girls, I don’t want a girlfriend. I want a boyfriend.”

“Okay…” Blaine is apparently lost for words. But he doesn’t move away from me, he just sit silently next to me staring out into space. That must be a good sign, right?

“I know this might seem kind of sudden and unexpected to you, but I’ve known for quite some time. I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that and I understand it’s a lot to take in, but, well… yeah… I guess what I’m trying to say that I hope that you will still be my friend.”

I hold my breath waiting for his reply, but he takes such a long time to answer that I feel like I have to fill the silence because the silence is slowly killing me. 

“I understand if you don’t want to…” I say but I can’t really handle the thought of him rejecting me right now.

Finally he turns to look at me. He takes my hand in his and brush his thumb over the back of it. “No, you shouldn’t understand if anyone doesn’t accept who you are. If anyone has a problem with who you are then screw them. Yes it’s unexpected, but it doesn’t change anything between you and me, Kurt. You are still my best friend.”

I let out a breath of relief. “Thank you.” 

“You don’t have to thank me. Did you really think I wouldn’t want to be your friend?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “It’s not like we know any gay guys and we’ve never really discussed our views on homosexuality. For all I know it could have gone either way.”

“I’m glad you told me. Have you told anyone else? Does Burt know?”

“You’re the first one I’ve told,” I say and Blaine gives me a smile. I think it’s the first genuine smile I have gotten from him today.

“Thank you,” he tells me and squeezes my hand, “I guess this explains why you dumped Emily.”

I can’t help but laugh at that “Yeah, well I probably should have done that a long time ago. I probably never should have dated her in the first place”

“So why did you?”

“I was afraid someone would figure it out if I broke up with her. This is Ohio, not everyone is as accepting as you. But I don’t want to lie anymore. We’re moving to New York and I don’t want to hide who I am when we get there.”

“I want to say that I’m proud of you, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to say,” Blaine says and nudges my shoulder.

“You can be proud of me,” I reply and nudge him back. Blaine puts his arm around my shoulders and we lay down on my bed. His curls tickle my cheek when he lies down close to me. Being this close to him makes me feel happy and sad at the same time. Aside from being my best friend, he’s also the guy I’m starting to develop feelings for. And he is also unattainable for me.

“Is there any guy in particular that you are interested in?” Blaine suddenly asks, and I feel as though he has just red my mind.

“Maybe,” I tell him.

“Who? Tell me,” Blaine says enthusiastically.

“It doesn’t matter, he’s straight so it’s not like anything will happen anyway.” I’m not about to tell him I have a crush on him when I just told him I’m gay. I mean there is only so much he can handle in one night. I don’t want to scare him away completely. Besides it’s probably just a passing phase, maybe it’s just because he’s my best friend. When we get to New York there will be plenty of openly gay guys for me to fall in love with. 

Or so I try to tell myself.

“You don’t know that, 15 minutes ago I thought you were straight,” Blaine says playfully.

“Trust me, he’s straight.”

“Well any guy who is lucky enough to date you will better understand what a great guy you are or he will have to answer to me.”

I poke out my tongue at him, but I actually like this protective side of him. It has always been there, since the first day we met.

“Two weeks ago you told me you never thought about kissing a guy. Why didn’t you tell me then?” Blaine asks.

 _Because I want to kiss you, you idiot_ , is what I should say. Instead I say:

“There were so many homophobic idiots in high school and I guess I didn’t want to risk them finding out and make my final days a nightmare. It’s not that I’m not proud of who I am but I didn’t want to put myself through the inevitable name-calling and what else. Now it doesn’t matter anymore, I don’t have to see them again and I’m about to experience so many new things for myself. I feel like there is a whole new world for me out there, away from Ohio.”

“You know I wouldn’t have told anyone.”

“I know. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I don’t know if I’m ready now, I didn’t plan on telling you actually. But like I said I’m moving forward with my life. I’m actually thinking about setting up a profile on grindr.” I tell him. 

I have actually not thought about it until I just said it, but maybe it’s not a bad idea. It’s not something I would normally do, but I’m turning over a new leaf in my life. I’m reinventing myself so why couldn’t I be the guy that has a profile on grindr?

“No you are not,” Blaine says firmly.

“Why not? I think I need to date someone before I get to New York, just to have it done you know.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard. You are not setting up a profile on grindr. Any date you will find through grindr in Ohio is sure to be a burly, middle-aged, closeted guy. Not happening Kurt. You want your first date to mean something.”

He’s probably right, I hadn’t really thought about all the aspects before I said it. Maybe I should reinvent myself a little less.

“Okay, maybe not one of my best ideas, but I still think I should go on at least one date before I hit the dating jungle of New York,” I say and stare up at the ceiling. The room is getting dusky and shadows from the garden outside my windows are playing up there.

“I don’t know what kind of movies you’ve been watching, or books you've been reading, but I’m pretty sure the gay community in New York does not consist only of predators. I’m sure you’ll find a nice guy eventually. What’s the rush?”

“There’s no rush. It’s just, dating Emily I haven’t been myself and I haven’t been honest with anyone. You know I like romances, and I just want to find someone who I can be myself around and who likes me for me. I want to kiss a guy, feel butterflies and fall in love. I know it’s silly…”

“It’s not silly Kurt, it’s you. It’s who you are.”

I’ve never been more grateful for his friendship than I am right now. He gets me. It’s a fantastic feeling to have someone in your life that actually gets you.

Blaine turns to lay on his side so that he is facing me. He retracts his arm from under my shoulders and rests his head in his hand.

“You know if you want to kiss a guy, you can kiss me,” he says.

There it is again. That odd desire of his that I don’t understand. 

“No thank you.” I tell him. “I don’t want to be your experiment.” Which is true. I want to kiss Blaine, but not to satisfy his curiosity about what it would be like to kiss a guy. “I just told you I want romance and you suggest I kiss my best friend? That would be all kinds of weird.”

“I didn’t mean it like that…Kurt, I… Never mind,” Blaine says and slumps back down on his back again. “It was just an offer.”

I frown and look at him. “Well it’s weird offer, I don’t want to kiss you.”

I do, but I can’t tell him that, not when it would mean something completely different to me than it would do to him.

“Yeah, you’ve made that clear,” Blaine says curtly.

I don’t get why he is upset, if anyone should be upset it’s me. 

“Why are you mad?”

Blaine sighs. “I’m not mad. You’re right, it was wrong of me to suggest it. I’m sorry.”

“Let’s just put it in the pile of _Things Blaine should think twice about before speaking._ ” 

Blaine laughs. “It’s beginning to become quite a pile.”

We both laugh and relax again.

“I can’t believe my best friend is gay,” Blaine says after a while.

“I can’t believe my best friend wants to kiss me,” I tease back and Blaine slaps me playfully on my chest.

“I can’t believe my gay best friend turned me down. Not only did my girlfriend break up with me but apparently I’m out of luck with guys as well.”

“Poor Blaine, nobody loves him,” I say and the comment earns me a pinch on my arm, which I am quick to reciprocate. “Any new girl you got your eyes set on?” I don’t want to know, but I cannot not know.

“Nah, I think you’re right. Who wants a relationship back here when we’re about to move to the city of our dreams? I think I’ll just lay low and not think about girls this summer. I’d rather just chill and hang out with you.”

I know everything is okay between us, because this is what we do. We tease each other, make fun of each other, but always know that we care deeply for each other.

“Thanks for telling me,” Blaine says. “Even if you didn’t plan on telling me, it means a lot to me that you did.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s no Klaine in this chapter, but I’ll make up for it by posting another chapter today. This chapter is needed to establish some things that will be important later in the story.

**Blaine, Sunday June 20th, 3.33 pm**

Kurt is gay. It sort of changes everything.

My thoughts are all over the place and nowhere at the same time trying to figure out why that changes things. I still want to kiss him, that hasn’t changed. I’m still trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, I shouldn’t want it. But now that I know that he’s gay it’s even more difficult to get the thought out of my head. It’s like I want it even more and it doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s not like Kurt being straight and having a girlfriend was the only thing stopping me from kissing him before.

But it doesn’t matter because Kurt doesn’t want to kiss me anyway. There’s a guy he likes. It’s bothering me that he won’t tell me who this douche is, straight or not. Maybe it’s someone I know. Maybe it’s one of those jocks at school that he claims to despise, maybe that’s why he won’t tell me. Maybe he’s embarrassed by that.

It’s frustrating, him keeping this from me. We don’t have secrets. Well, not many anyway. My secret doesn’t really count because it’s not really a secret. It’s not really anything at all. Just wrong wiring.

But still… Fuck! Everything is so fucking confusing.

I’m glad Sam called me and wanted me to come over. I need the distraction. He said to bring my guitar because he had kind of a surprise, whatever that means. I’m just glad to escape my own thoughts for a few hours.

I knock on the door to Sam’s house and his mom opens.

“Hi Mrs. Evans, I mean Angela.” I always forget that she doesn’t like us calling her Mrs. Evans.

“Hi Blaine, Sam is upstairs.” She replies.

I head upstairs to Sam’s room. He sits on his bed, playing his guitar but turns to look at me when I knock on his door.

“Hey man, come on in.” Sam says. “Close the door, or my sister will be here in a flash when she hears that you are here.”

Sam’s twelve year old sister has a crush on me. I think it’s cute but Sam thinks it’s annoying so I close the door behind me.

“Hey, what’s up?” I say and remove some clothes thrown on his chair before I sit down.

“I want to ask you a favor, and it’s okay to say no but it would mean a lot to me if you said yes.” Sam starts.

“Okay” I say cautiously because this could either be something very odd or something very cool. You never know with Sam, it can go either way.

“You know my uncle who lives in Columbus?”

“The one who is 60?”

“No not my dad’s older brother, my mom’s younger brother Paul, the one who is 38.”

“Ah, okay, yes I remember him. What about him?”

“He has a friend who owns a club in Columbus, and he has heard me sing on a few occasions. He must have thought that I was good because he offered me a gig in his club every Friday night throughout the summer. I will be paid according to the crowd I draw, so the better I am the more money I get.” Sam says.

“Cool, that sounds great.” I tell him. “Congrats.”

“You know I need the money for college, so I really need to be good.”

“I’m sure you will be Sam.” I assure him.

“Yeah… so I was thinking that two is better than one and you and I do sound freaking amazing together…Would you like to do this gig with me?”

“You and me singing together?” I ask as if the idea is ridiculous, but I’m only kidding him of course.

“With your golden voice and my good looks I think we will draw a crowd.” Sam smiles.

“Hey, I got the voice and the looks,” I joke, “but seriously, that sounds like fun.”

“Really? You say yes? I think that if we perform together we’ll get a bigger audience and I really do need that money. We’ll split it of course.”

“I say yes. It will be cool to do something together, and I agree two is better than one. And I also need the money.” I say and smile at Sam. I could also use the distraction that I know preparing for these gigs will give me.

“Oh, we’re gonna be so good!” Sam exclaims. “And think of all the girls we get to hook up with after our gigs. We’re gonna get so many fans.”

“Yeah, cool.” I say but I actually start dreading Sam trying to hook me up with different girls after our gigs. I’m not interested in hooking up with some random girls. 

Huh, that’s a random realization. 

“But maybe you should lower your expectations a little, we haven’t performed yet. You do realize that any women being in that club will be older than us right?”

“So what? We’ll be the hot young guys that all the women want a piece of.”

I roll my eyes at Sam’s imagination running wild. “Do you know what kind of club it is? Maybe it’s a country club with couples over 50.”

“No it’s this really cool club, most of the people there is under 30. There’s an outdoor stage we can use and this is going to be so great!” 

I can tell Sam is really excited about this, and his enthusiasm is starting to spill over on me.

“So when do we have our first gig? “ I ask.

“On Friday.” Sam says.

“This Friday?” I ask and Sam nods. “Wow, that’s soon. I guess we have to start deciding what we want to sing and rehears if we’re gonna be any good at this and make the big bucks.”

“That’s why I told you to bring your guitar.” Sam says with an unspoken duh in the end.

We discuss what types of song we would like to sing and we manage quite quickly to agree on a set list. We’ve been playing together throughout high school so we already have a repertoire of songs that we know our friends like. Hopefully they will work on an older crowd as well. We practice for about an hour, and add a few new songs that we haven’t played before.

By the time I leave Sam’s house I’m excited about Friday. I drive back home, because Sunday night means dinner with my mom, and it’s something I look forward too. We don’t spend that much time together but Sunday nights are sacred and I rarely miss them. 

My relationship with my mom isn’t as good as I would like it to be. I blame that mostly on her but to be honest I’ve played my part in that as well. Ever since my dad left us when I was five, my mom has thrown herself into one bad relationship after another. The guys she’s been dating hasn’t always treated her good, and some of them hasn’t treated me and my brother very good either. My mom has, however, been too desperate to have someone in her life that she hasn’t always made the brightest decisions. Many times she has ignored me and Cooper, my brother, in favor for her present boyfriend. This has led to that my relationship with my mom is quite strained. I don’t trust her. 

About a year ago I had had enough. One night when she had been unreachable for three days and came home drunk with whatever jerk she was seeing at the time I gave her a piece of my mind. I told her if she didn’t get her shit together I would leave and never come back, just like Cooper had. And then she would be left with nothing. No husband and no sons. She had to make a choice, either it was me and her family or the life she was currently living. 

Had I been old enough, I would have left her as well, but I was only thirteen when Copper left us. He’s six years older than me and he was nineteen when he left us and never looked back. I guess he had seen much more of her shit than I had, but I still resented him for leaving me alone with her. The first time I spoke to him after he left was three years later. We barley have any contact today, he calls on my birthday and on Christmas, but to me he might as well quit that to.

It took three weeks for my mom to reach out to me but then she came to me and said she wanted to change, but she needed my help to do so. We’re still nowhere near good, but we’re getting there. She’s quit drinking, she hasn’t dated anyone since and she’s got a job. It’s not the best of jobs, she works the night shift at a 24 hour diner, but it’s a job. We are trying to rebuild our relationship, it’s gonna take time but I really would like to have a real mother-son relationship with her, and that’s why our Sunday night dinners are so important to me.

I park in the parking lot and head inside our apartment building. I hurry up the four flight of stairs to out apartment. Once inside, I find my mom in the kitchen with takeout containers on the table. Neither my mom or I are any good in the kitchen and our Sunday night dinners normally consist of takeout.

“Hi sweetheart,” she says and kiss my cheek as I enter the room. “How was your day?”

“Good” I answer “I got a job I think.”

I sit down at the table and start telling her about Sam asking me to help him with the gigs he got and how it will be good to get the extra money for when I’m going to college. My mom could never afford to send me to college, but my grandparents have been saving money for my college studies since I was born. They live in Michigan so I don’t get to see them very often, especially not since they cut of all connection with my mom after her life got out of control. They do call me once a week to check up on me and make sure I’m doing okay.

“That sounds great,” mom says as she sits down at the table across from me, “make sure you don’t drink too much if you’re going to drive home afterwards.”

This is my mom in a nutshell, always assuming the worst of me. “Mom, I’m barley eighteen, I don’t think anybody will serve me anything to drink.”

“Who are you trying to fool? I know what it’s like being eighteen Blaine, don’t pretend that you and your friends aren’t drinking.”

“Sure we have a beer every now and then, but I wouldn’t be so stupid that I would get behind the wheels after I’ve been drinking.” I tell her and start putting food on my plate.

“Good.” She starts. “You’re a good kid Blaine. You’re nothing like either your dad or myself.”

Actually I think I’m a lot like my dad. I don’t remember much about him, but from what I’ve understood he had a passion for music just like me. He was a free spirit and family life was never his dream. He tried his best to endure his job at Target, he tried to do whatever he could to keep his family together, but in the end it was slowly suffocating him and he left us. I don’t know his exact reasons for leaving or if he ever regretted it, but I haven’t seen him since.

I think I’m a free spirit as well. Maybe I’ve become one since no one has really looked after me while I was growing up. With my mom being absent most of the time, I’ve been used to coming and going as I please. No one has demanded anything from me. No one but Burt that is. I think that‘s why I’ve always respected him so much. He expect things from me and he lets me know he’s disappointed when I don’t live up to his expectations, but he also let’s me know how proud he is of me when I do.

My mom and I sit in silence and eat for a while before she starts talking again.

“Is everything okay with you? You have seem a little down lately.”

It amazes me that she has actually noticed this about me, with her working night shifts and me being at school or with my friends we hardly see each other during the weeks.

“It’s nothing.” I tell her.

“Are you sad you and Maddie broke up?”

“No, I’m over her.”

“Okay, is there a someone new?”

She’s trying to be a good mom and I want us to be on a level where we can tell each other the things that truly matter to us. But I don’t know how to answer that. It’s not that I’m starting to develop any sort of romantic feelings for Kurt or anything. I just have the inexplicable desire to kiss him. How do I explain that to her? 

“No there isn’t anyone.” I tell her.

She almost looks sad when I tell her that. Then she reaches out to squeeze my hand. “You’re a wonderful man Blaine, you do know that right? I know I haven’t been around to tell you that as much as I should have, but I hope you believe me when I say it.”

I nod in response and look down at my food. It’s hard for me to accept compliments from her. I don’t know if she’s sincere or if it’s just more of the bullshit she’s normally thrown my way.

“I want to tell you something.” She continues and I look up at her because the tone of her voice has changed and she sounds cautious, like she is a little scared to continue this conversation. “I’ve met someone.”

“Mom…” I say and I know I sound very defensive but to my defense with her history in boyfriends it’s not a surprise that I don’t like where this conversation is going.

“Please” she tells me “I understand if you are wary about this, but Donald is nothing like the other guys I’ve dated.”

I stay silent and wait for her to explain, but I’m sure my facial features let’s her know that I’m not thrilled.

“Donald is one of my customers at the diner. He works at the gas station close to the diner, and he always come in when he ends his shift at eleven. There normally aren’t many people at the diner at that time, so we started talking. At first it was just casual ‘how are you?’ and ‘How was your day?’, things like that but as time went by we started to get to know each other and suddenly I found myself waiting for him to arrive. When he asked me out I turned him down. I haven’t been looking for anyone to share my life with. I know I’ve messed up before and I don’t want to do that again. My priority is trying to restore your faith in me.”

I offer her a small smile. I know she is trying in her own way, and I appreciate that she’s trying to put us first for once.

“Donald is such a nice man,” mom continues, “there was no pressure from his side when I said no, but he just continued to let me know that he was interested if I changed my mind. A few weeks ago I told him that if he wanted to ask me out again I wouldn’t turn him down. So we went on our first date two weeks ago, and we’ve gone on a few dates since.”

“Why are you telling me about him now? Why not before?” I ask.

“I wanted to be sure how I felt about him before I mentioned him to you.”

I want my mom to be happy, really I do, but I’m not sure I like this. I guess I’m scared history will repeat itself and she will turn into the woman that lets guys treat her like an object they own rather than the independent woman that she is. But if she says this Donald guy is different I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

“How do you feel?”

“I really like him Blaine, and I know he will treat me with respect. I would like for you to meet him.” Mom says.

“Really?”

“Yes, I don’t want to continue seeing him if I don’t have your approval.”

“You’ve never needed my approval before.” I say a bit skeptically.

“I want to make things right this time. I know I messed up before, but I don’t want to this time. Please will you come and meet him? It doesn’t have to be anything formal, you could just come to the diner.”

I’m still skeptical, but I can tell it means a lot to her. If she is really trying to change and if she’s truthful about wanting to put us first I can’t deny her this wish.

“Okay.” I say.

“Okay? As in you’ll meet him?” she asks hopefully.

“Yes, I’ll come to the diner and meet him.”

She puts her hand on mine and squeezes it lightly. “Thank you Blaine.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, I just realized there’s actually no Klaine in this one either, but there’s Kurt and Burt which I think makes up for it :). I’ve borrowed some lines from Glee in this chapter, you’ll recognize them when you read them. They’re just too good to not be repeated.

**Kurt, Sunday June 20th, 4.07 pm**

”Kurt, I want you to give us another chance.” Emily says as she sits down on my bed. 

Emily came over to my house unannounced. If she had called first I would have tried to avoid this meeting, because this is really not a conversation I want to have with her again. I have already told her everything I have to say in this matter. I have already given her all the reasons why I don’t want to stay together with her anymore. And honestly I don’t want to sit here and lie to her again. I like Emily, we got close during our time together, but for obvious reasons we can never be more than friends. I’m hoping she’ll want that too one day.

So despite the awkward conversation ahead, I let her in because I figured I owe her a chance to express her feelings about the breakup. I think she was too shocked to say anything at the time of the actual breakup.

I sit down on the chair by my desk. I think that some distance between us is needed here. I don’t want to give her any false hopes by being too affectionate, which is a risk if I sit down next to her. I’m not great with dealing with people that cry, especially not my friends.

“I just don’t see us working out when I move to New York.” I tell her again.

“But I don’t understand why you won’t even give it a chance before you decide that. You don’t know what will happen when you move.”

“Exactly, I don’t know what will happen. But I do know I want the full college experience. I want to go out, have fun and meet new people. I don’t want to go home early because we have a Skype date or disappoint you when I don’t call when I said I would.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that, I’ll give you all the space you need. I just… I love you Kurt.”

Shit… She’s never said those words to me before. I didn’t expect to hear her say it but now that she did, they’re affecting me more than I imagined they would. I feel sorry for her for falling in love with someone like me who can never love her back. It’s a one-sided love and now I have to make her see the truth.

“Look, Emily, I’m sorry but I can’t do this. I really like you, but I’m not in love with you. I think it’s better if we go our separate ways now before we start hurting each other.”

I feel like such a jerk for leading her on, for staying with her even though I know I could never love her the way she deserves. And also for staying with her just to prevent myself from being exposed.

“Maybe we could just take a break, until you have settled in in New York and then we can see what happens?” 

She looks at me with pleading eyes and there’s so much hope there. She thinks that she can convince me to change my mind and she is willing to sacrifice too much just for a second chance. 

“No. It wouldn’t be fair of me to say yes to that, when I know you and I can never be an item again. I don’t feel the same way about you anymore.”

“I don’t believe you” Emily says. “Is… is this because I won’t have sex? Because you always said that you didn’t have a problem with me wanting to wait until I’m married, but I understand that you are a boy and that you have urges, and I can change-”

“No, that has nothing to do with it.” I say before she continues to say something she doesn’t mean. I walk over to my bed and sit down next to her. “Emily, you are a great girl and you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone. You deserve a guy who loves you and who treats you with respect, someone who is willing to put you first.”

“Why can’t that be you? I only want to be with you Kurt, I don’t want another guy.” There are tears in her eyes and her voice is full with emotions. Then she collects herself and put on a stern face. “Is this because Blaine and Maddie broke up? You always want to be just like him, so if he is single you want to be single too?”

“No, this has nothing to do with Blaine, don’t be childish Emily. I’m my own person, I don’t copy Blaine.”

“Then what is it?! I hear what you are saying but I can’t make it fit in my head. You haven’t given me any signs that things aren’t good between us. Is it something I’ve done? I thought you loved me too.”

“I’m gay.” I say because I think that’s the only way to get her to stop. Also it’s the truth and I think maybe she deserves the truth.

It feels good to tell her, it’s not as nerve wrecking as when I told Blaine. Aside from my dad and Blaine she is the one person who knows me the best and telling her feels right.

“What?!?” To say that she is shocked is an understatement. “Are you serious?” 

“Yes.”

“You’re gay? I kissed a fag??” She jumps of my bed as if it’s infected with something contagious. “I can’t believe this!” She crosses her arms and glares at me with a face full of loathing. She’s furious.

Her words hurt more than I like to admit. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. Maybe that was naïve of me. Maybe I should have foreseen her reaction, but two minutes ago she told me she loved me. 

“You’re disgusting.” she tells me.

“I’m still me Emily…” I try.

“No you are not. You are not at all the guy I thought you were. You are the exact opposite of who I thought you were. I can’t believe I was deliberating changing my rules for you, to give my virginity to you. A faggot.” She runs her fingers distraught through her hair. “I can’t believe this… I feel sick right now. You sicken me Kurt!” 

“Emily please stop…” I plead with her. Her words make me feel nauseated.

I’m not really prepared to have this conversation, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any good comebacks. I thought that I was prepared for comments like that. I mean, I have been thinking about every possible scenario that I would face when I started telling people I’m gay and how to refute comments like the one’s Emily just thrown in my face. But it turns out I am not prepared at all.

“You want me to stop?! Come on Kurt, I’m not the one who has done anything wrong here. How long have you known?” She spits out the words. She is so upset right now and even if I could find the right words to say, I don’t know if that there is anything I can say that will calm her down.

“I don’t know…”

“ _You don’t know??!_ ”

“It’s not like I woke up one day and said to myself You’re gay Kurt. It’s something that I have realized over time.” I try to explain, but her words make me feel so tiny and I can’t think of the things I should to say to explain what I’ve gone through to get to this point..

“But you have known while you were still dating me?” She asks. Her voice is icy and it doesn’t at all match her sweet, floral printed summer dress.

I nod my reply and she makes a gagging face.

“I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you would do this to me!” She shakes her head vigorously. Then with a final stare at me she yells, “Don’t ever talk to me again! If you see me around, don’t come near me, don’t even look my way.”

She storms up the stairs and I can hear the front door slam shut when she leaves my house. 

I feel strangely empty and alone. I lay down on my bed, trying not to cry. But it’s in vain, I can’t help the tears that are slowly running down my cheeks. It hurts so badly. It hurts to be rejected by someone that you thought meant something to you. 

Emily and I have only been dating for a few months, and maybe it has never been really serious, but we have shared intimate moments of telling each other secret dreams and plans for the future. I have told her that secretly I dream of becoming an actor, but that I’m too shy to stand on a stage. Being a designer is an equally big dream and I chose to follow that dream instead. She’s told me how she wants to be a kindergarten teacher because she loves kids but her parents have decided that she should be a doctor. For her to tell me that I’m disgusting and that she never wants to talk to me again, that hurts. 

I can’t even imagine what it will feel like if Quinn or Puck or one of the others reacts like Emily when I tell them.

I have to tell them, I realize. Emily is not one to keep her opinion to herself, and she also loves to gossip. I can’t imagine that she is going to keep her mouth shut about this for very long, not after the way she reacted. 

I have to tell my dad.

I want to tell him though, not because I have to but because I want to. I don’t want to lie to him. My dad and I have always been close, it’s been just the two of us for such a long time so of course we’re close, and it’s not easy keeping this big secret from him. I haven’t felt confident enough to tell him earlier, but now I think I have to do it, confident or not. I think about Blaine and how supportive he was, is, and that gives me a slice of confidence.

That doesn’t not however mean that I am not nervous as hell about telling him. He’s my dad and I know he will always love me, but what if he doesn’t accept who I am. I have to find the right way to tell him, find the right words to say, or I will just blurt it out like I have done with both Blaine and Emily.

I wipe away my tears, get up of my bed, stand in front of my mirror, and practices what to say. It feels somewhat stupid, but I want to get this right. I _need_ to get it right.

“ _Dad, there’s something I want to talk to you about. I don’t really know how to say this, but there is one thing that’s been on my mind lately. This is not easy for me to tell you…_ ”

No that’s too uncertain, I need to be more affirmative.

“ _Dad, I’ve known for some time now that I’m not who I thought I was, or maybe I’ve always been different I just didn’t realize it until now. Anyway, for the past couple of weeks I’ve come to realize that I am gay. And before you say anything I want you to know that I didn’t mean to keep this a secret from you, it’s just it has taken some time for me to accept that this is who I am and…_ ”

No that’s too long.

“ _Dad, I’m gay._ ”

“Uhm, Kurt?”

I jump at the sound of my dad’s voice behind me. He’s standing at the end of the stairs and I have not heard him come home or walk down the stairs. He looks confused.

“How long have you been standing there?” I ask him feeling my cheeks heat up. I hope he has not heard my practice monologue but the look on his face suggest otherwise.

“Long enough” he says. “I would ask if you are rehearsing for a school play, but you’re not in high school anymore… so I’m just gonna ask… Is there something you would like to tell me?”

I look down at the floor, as if I can find my answer down there. This is not how I wanted to tell him. This whole coming out thing is not going at all as I planned. But screw that, I want tell him, I want him to know who I am. I look up and look him straight in the eyes.

“I’m gay dad.”

“Yeah, I sort of got that. Are you sure?”

“Yes dad I’m sure.”

“Just checking.” Dad says, takes the final steps of the stair and walk over to me. “It’s a bit of a surprise I must say, seeing that you had a girlfriend two weeks ago. I saw Emily on my way in, and I figured you guys made up.”

“No, I just told her I am gay. She didn’t take it very well”

“Well, that explains why she barley said hi and seemed to be in a hurry to get away.”

“So… how do you feel about it?” I ask tentatively. My dad seems to be pondering his answer and the silence make me nervous and as when I told Blaine I feel the need to fill the silence with words. “I know this is probably not what you want to hear and I understand if you are disappointed and-”

“No, stop Kurt.” Dad says and puts his hand on my shoulder. “I guess… No, I am proud of you for being true to yourself. I know this stuff isn’t easy, but it doesn’t matter to me whether you are straight or gay, I love you just the same.” 

I throw myself in his arms, because it’s such a relief to hear him say it, especially after the words Emily just threw in my face.

“I love you dad”. 

Dad hugs me tighter, and I manage to hold back my tears but they are right there in the corner of my eyes. 

“Come on, let’s go upstairs and make dinner.” Dad says and I let go of him.

We cook together, and I ask about his day at the shop. The shop is closed for customers on Sundays, but normally there’s still a lot of work to do – cars to fix, papers to go through and books to balance. I think dad is processing what I just told him, because his answers are short and his mind is obviously somewhere else. My dad means so much to me and I hope that he really is taking this as well as he said. I don’t know why I would doubt it, my dad has never given me a reason to not trust him. It’s just what happened with Emily, I guess that threw me off course. I thought she was someone I could trust and rely on, but turns out I was wrong. Maybe I’m wrong about other things as well. 

We sit down to eat in silence until my dad clears his throat. He’s finished processing.

“So, I have a few questions that I’d like to ask,” he says, “if that’s okay with you?”

“Of course dad, you can ask me anything and I’ll try to answer the best I can.”

“You say that you are sure that you are gay.” Dad says and I look at him and nod. “But you just dated Emily, who’s a girl, so it’s a little confusing for me. Are you maybe bi?”

“No dad, at least I don’t think so. I don’t really like girls that way. I hoped I did, but no.” It’s not much of an answer but I don’t know how to explain without sounding like a total idiot for dating Emily even though I never really liked her in the way that you are supposed to like your girlfriend.

“So have you and Emily ever… you know… did you… ehm… sex.” My dad squirms in his chair.

“Dad!” I exclaim and put my head in my hands in embarrassment. I feel myself blush because even though I’m close with my dad this is not a comfortable topic of conversation.

“Look Kurt, this is just as mortifying for me as it is for you, I’m just trying to understand.”

I let out a breath of air, but I’m still not able to look at him when I speak. “Emily wanted to wait until she’s married, so no, no sex.”

“Uhm… good.” Dad says “Don’t want a bad experience with a girl to make you think that you are gay.” 

Dad tries to joke, but I don’t find it funny at all. I glare at him and his smile quickly disappear.

“Sorry” he murmur. “That was unthoughtful. So have you… with a boy?”

“Dad, just stop.” I beg him. “I’m still a virgin okay. Can we just stop talking about sex? Please.”

“I’m sorry Kurt but I’m just trying to understand. This isn’t easy for me. I said it doesn’t matter to me if you’re straight or gay and I mean it. But you just had a girlfriend and…”

“There’s this guy I like.” I tell my dad. I realize that I have to explain how I’m feeling for my dad to understand, instead of just letting him ask all his embarrassing questions. “I guess I have always liked him, but recently I started to realize that I like him in a way that other guys like girls.”

“I see.” Dad says and then he adds. “Is he your boyfriend?” 

“No! No, he’s just a friend. And he’s going to remain just a friend, nothing will happen between us because he’s straight.”

“Does he know that you like him?”

“No, and he’s not going to find out either. I like to keep him as a friend and I think that will change if I tell him.”

“Does he know that you are gay?”

“Yes, he knows…”

“Is it Blaine?” Dad asks.

I sort of freeze when he says that. Am I that obvious?

“How did you know?” I ask. I thought it would feel more unnerving to admit it out loud, but it doesn’t.

“Who else would you have told before me?” Dad says with a smirk. And of course he is right. He knows Blaine is my best friend and we tell each other practically everything. “I guess you could have chosen a worse guy to fall in love with.”

“It will pass.” I say. “Soon I’ll be in New York, and I will meet a nice gay guy to fall in love with there.”

“If you say so.”

“Yes I say so.” I say determined. I will get over these feelings for Blaine. Not in any foreseeable future, but someday. “And you can’t say anything to him. I know how you two talk sometimes and share stuff, but you can’t tell him this.”

Dad raises his hands in front of him as if he is offended by the comment, but he smiles when he talks. “Wouldn’t dream of it Kurt. Not my secret to give away. So I guess I don’t have to worry when you two are down in your room alone?”

“Funny dad.” I say sarcastically. 

Dad laughs, because apparently he think he is funny. I glare at him, but that only makes him laugh harder. In the end I can’t help the smile forming on my lips. I don’t know why but the thought of me and Blaine doing anything related to what my dad is thinking is so far out there that it becomes funny. Eventually dad pulls himself together.

“Seriously though, thanks for telling me all this Kurt. I hope you meet a nice guy to fall in love with, even if it’s not Blaine.”

“I hope so too.” I tell him. 

“And just because you’re not going to have sex with a girl doesn’t mean that you don’t have to use protection. Even if you’re not going to get anyone pregnant you still have to be careful.” Dad adds.

I blush tremendously at my dad’s straightforward comment. “I know dad.” I tell him. “Now let me take care of the dishes and you can go watch TV. I’ll join you when I’m done being embarrassed.” My dad only chuckles before he pushes his chair back and stands up. I think he gets a kick out of embarrassing me.

“One more thing Kurt” he says before he leaves the room, “whenever you decide to bring a guy home, just know that I will welcome him with open arms. If you think this guy is worthy of your love, then he must be a fantastic guy and I would like for nothing more than to have him feel at home here with us.”

My dad is the greatest person I know. I’m stunned by his words, I literally don’t know what to say. I get up from my chair and walk over and hug him tightly. “Thank you.” I whisper into his ear before I let him go. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him as my dad. I know he sometimes wishes that my mom was still alive to handle these kind of things, but he’s doing a great job and I couldn’t have made up a better dad even in if I tried.

After dad has left the kitchen, I feel like calling Blaine and tell him that I told my dad but I know he’s having Sunday night dinner with his mom and I know how important that is to him. So instead of interrupting, I send him a text instead. Then I quickly finishes the dishes and join my dad in front of the TV. It’s some football game on that I don’t really care about, but I know my dad likes it so I sit through it anyway. I’ve made him watch _Project Runway_ with me on numerous occasions so it’s only fair. It doesn’t matter what’s on the TV, it’s nice just sitting there next to him, knowing that no matter what he loves me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there'll be lots of Kurt and Blaine in the next chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

**Blaine, Sunday June 20th, 10.37 pm**

My mom has left to start another night shift at the diner. I’m lying on my bed stripped of all my clothes except my underwear. The weather has changed and summer is in full bloom with almost 80 degrees outside despite it being this late in the evening and wearing clothes is just not an option. There’s a fan sweeping slowly back and forth, pushing some cooler air onto my body. It’s not enough to keep small beads of sweat forming on my forehead, but it’s better than nothing. The air condition is out of order again and the landlord is the laziest man in the state. Maybe even the country.

I’m watching TV and eating chocolate, but I’m not really able to focus on whatever’s going on on the screen. I’m still not thrilled about my mom seeing someone new. I hope that she is right, that this time it will be different, but I just don’t know… Maybe I should talk to Kurt and get his opinion on this. He sometimes see things in a different way than I do and I know he will tell me if he thinks it’s a good idea for me to meet this Donald or not. I’m leaning towards not even though I told my mom I agreed to meet him.

I take my phone from the charger and see that there is a text from Kurt.

**Kurt  
I don’t want to disturb your Sunday night dinner, but could you call me later?**

It’s late and I don’t know if he’s still awake so I send him a text in return. I wonder if something has happened because he usually don’t ask me to call, usually he just texts me what he wants.

**Blaine  
Is everything ok? Are you still up?**

Kurt’s answer comes almost immediately

**Kurt  
I told my dad that I’m gay**

I quickly push the dial button. I hope Burt reacted in a good way, I think he did because he loves Kurt. But his text doesn’t give anything away on how the conversation went. I don’t know why, but I’m kind of assuming the worst. My heart is beating fast as I’m waiting for him to answer.

“Hi” Kurt says softly when he answer and my heart makes a double jump at the sound of his voice. Lately he’s been having this effect on me.

“You told your dad? How did it go?” I ask and hold my breath while I wait for his answer.

“He told me he doesn’t care if I’m straight or gay, that he loves me just the same.” Kurt answer. “And then we had the most awkward talk about sex.”

“Really?” I say relieved at Burt’s reaction. Deep down I know he would react in this way but I’m still relieved.

“Yes, it was so awkward I thought I would die from embarrassment.” Kurt says and I’m a bit confused at first until I realize that he’s thinking that I was talking about the sex talk.

“No, I meant he really was cool with it? I love your dad, he’s the best.”

“He is. He was a little confused because I dated Emily, but I think he understands. I told him there was this guy I like so think he gets it.”

“I’m still a little upset that you won’t tell me who it is.” I say. I’m dying to find out but he’s being really secretive about it, which isn’t like him. We tell each other everything. Well, almost everything.

“I told you he’s straight so it doesn’t matter.” Kurt answers.

“Come on, it doesn’t matter if he’s straight. This is a big deal and I still want to know.”

“It’s not that big of a deal Blaine.” Kurt says, still not offering any more information as to who this secret person is.

“Since you aren’t telling me, I’m assuming it’s someone I know, otherwise it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Is it Sam?” I would hate for it to be Sam. I could understand if it was him because he is funny and good looking. I want it to be me, but I know it’s in vain to wish for that.

“Just drop it Blaine, I’m not going to tell you.”

I sigh. “Fine.” As much as I would like to find out, I dread it an equal amount. Honestly, I don’t like the idea of Kurt being interested in another guy. It’s better if I don’t know. But it hurts a little that he didn’t deny that it was Sam. “So what about the sex talk?” I ask instead. I can just picture Kurt and Burt being equally embarrassed by that conversation.

The realization that I want Kurt to like me like that, should probably tell me something. But I’m too busy thinking about Kurt being into Sam, so it doesn’t.

Kurt groans when he answers. “I had to admit that I’m still a virgin, both when it comes to girls and guys and then dad gave me this speech about how I still needed to use protection even though I wasn’t going to get anyone pregnant. I just wanted the floor to open and swallow me whole.”

I can’t help the laughter escaping my lips. I put a hand on my mouth to try to stop myself because I know how sensitive and easily embarrassed Kurt is about this stuff.

“Blaine, this is not funny!” Kurt says in a stern voice. “It was bad enough when he did this when I started dating Emily, I didn’t think I had to sit through it again.”

“He’s just looking out for you Kurt, he’s trying to do everything right even though he thinks it’s just as awkward as you do.”

“I’m not sure about that. I think he gets a kick out of embarrassing me.” I can hear the pout on Kurt’s lip and I can picture him in front of me looking adorable with that pout.

When did I start thinking about Kurt as being adorable?

“Come on Kurt, it can’t be that bad.”

“You wouldn’t say that if your dad was having this conversation with you.”

I fall into silence, my body stiffens. I would give anything for my dad to have that speech with me, or only to hear his voice. I have no idea where he is or if he’s even alive. 

Kurt seems to realize what he just said. “Oh my god, I’m sorry Blaine!” he says all regretful. “I didn’t mean that… I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I tell him. I pretend that I don’t care that my dad left us, but Kurt knows how much I really wish he was in my life.

“No it’s not okay.” Kurt says and I hear the regret in his voice. I know he didn’t mean anything by it, he didn’t say it to be mean. “That was insensitive of me.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I tell him and then I paus for a second before I continue. “My mom has met a new guy.”

“What? No. Really?” Kurt says in disbelief. “How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know.” I tell him truthfully. “Can I come over? I know it’s late, but I don’t really feel like talking about this on the phone.” 

“Of course you can.” Kurt answers to my relief, not that I thought he would say anything else.

“I’ll be there in twenty.” I tell him before we hang up.

I put on a pair of navy blue shorts and a white tank top. I grab my keys, wallet and phone and before I head out I put on my beanie. I get in my car and drive over to Kurt’s as fast as I can without breaking any traffic laws. I need to hear him say that my mom dating someone new is going to be okay.

I park my car in the driveway, beside Burt’s car and walk over to the basement entrance. I use my key to unlock the door to Kurt’s room. I only use my key when I know he’s expecting me, I don’t want to walk in on anything unexpected or god forbid Kurt being naked. 

Kurt is lying on his bed. The TV is on but muted and music is playing from his speakers. The only light in the room is coming from a small lamp on his bedside table. The small windows above his bed are open, letting in some of that summer air. The room is relatively cool considering the warm temperature outside. I guess that’s a perk of living in a basement instead of on the fourth floor in an apartment complex.

Kurt sits up and leans on his elbows when I enter the room. Damn, he’s wearing his glasses. Normally he wears his contacts but he must have taken them off. Kurt always looks good, but with the glasses on he looks… better. 

“Hey.” He says as I walk over to join him on the bed. We’ve laid here on this bed numerous times before, just talking away into the night.

“Hi.” I answer when I lay down beside him.

“How are you?” He asks and there’s this warm but concerned tone to his voice.

“I don’t know…” I answer honestly. “I don’t know how to feel about my mom seeing someone again. I want to be happy for her, but what if he’s just like all the other guys?”

“What did she tell you about him?” Kurt asks.

“She says he’s nothing like the others, that he’s a gentleman. But she’s only dated him for like two weeks so how can she know that?”

Kurt turns on his side, props himself up on one elbow and looks at me. “Maybe you should trust her on this. She has been trying really hard to make things right between the two of you. She’s told me more than once that you are the most important thing to her, the most important thing in her life.”

“She did say that she wanted me to meet him and that she wasn’t going to keep dating him if I didn’t approve of him.” I say.

“So meet the guy, see for yourself what you think about him. I know you are already stressing yourself out about this and I understand that you have reservations about him, but your mom has changed a lot since then. She wouldn’t jump into a bad relationship again. She knows the warning signs to look out for and I think you need to trust her on this.”

I relax at Kurt words. I also wonder when he discussed all this with my mom without me being present. Anyway, he knows exactly what to say, he knows exactly what I need to hear. And he’s right, of course he’s right. When isn’t Kurt right? I need to trust my mom, trust her judgement, trust that she wouldn’t start anything that would be bad for her or that would damage our relationship.

“I guess I’m meeting this Donald guy then.” I say. “Will you come with me?”

“Don’t you think you should do this alone with your mom? You don’t want me to be in your way.” Kurt says and I frown.

“You wouldn’t be in the way Kurt, you could never be in the way.” I say and look at him. “I want you there. I need your pair of eyes to help my see if he’s as genuine as my mom thinks or if he’s a jerk.”

“Okay, I’ll come with you if you want me to.”

“I want you to.” I say and give him a smile. 

He lays down on the bed again, looking up at the ceiling. A cool breeze blows in through the windows. It’s a nice change to the hot, sticky warmth that has my tank top clinging to my body. The cool air brushes against my skin and I see that Kurt shivers a little.

“Are you cold? Should I close the windows?” I ask Kurt.

“I told Emily I’m gay today too.” Kurt answers ignoring my questions.

“You told her? Ouch. I mean, what did she say?” I’m expecting the worst, knowing what kind of person Emily is. I’ve never liked her, she’s fake, but it’s like she’s a different person around Kurt than she is around other people, so Kurt hasn’t seen the person that the rest of us see. I don’t know which one is the real her. I’m hoping that she’s proven me wrong.

“She said I was a faggot, that I wasn’t the person she thought I was, that I made her sick, and let’s see what else did she say? Ah, yes, she can’t believe I did this to her.” Kurt says dejectedly.

Ouch in deed. I guess Kurt has finally been shown her other, true side.

“I’m sorry Kurt, but she’s an idiot. Don’t listen to anything she said.”

“I guess I am a different person then I let her believe. I mean I like guys and she’s definitely not a guy.” Kurt says still looking up at the ceiling and I can hear the sadness in his voice. “Maybe I’m not who people think I am. Maybe I’m not who I thought I was.”

“Kurt look at me.” I say and when he refuses to look away from the ceiling I sit up and lean over him, one hand on either side of his chest, so that he is forced to look at me. “Just because you like guys instead of girls, that doesn’t make you a different person. You are still you, who you like doesn’t define who you are. I mean to small extent maybe it does, but your personality, the way you talk, the way you think, it’s still the same. You haven’t changed Kurt. Don’t let her ignorance bring you down. Don’t let her define who you are. You are you, and I happen to like the you that you are.”

Leaning over him like this I want to lower my body over him, wrap myself around him, protect hum, feel his skin against mine, feel my lips against his, connect to him everywhere. The desire to kiss him is stronger than the desire to ignore it. The desire to taste him is stronger than any alarm bell telling me it’s wrong. It would be so easy to just lean in closer…

Kurt smiles at me. “Jeez Blaine, if I didn’t know any better I would say you were hitting on me.” He pushes me away so that I am no longer leaning over him. I flop down on the bed next to him again.

I’m tempted to say _what if I am hitting on you, what would you say to that?_

Am I hitting on him? The desire to kiss him isn’t going anywhere, if anything it’s going stronger. My body is humming from being this close to him. My skin is tingling where our bodies connect, my arm pressed against his. It would be so easy to flex my fingers over his hand and lace them together with his.

That this is something that I actually want to do, hold his hand, kiss him, press my body against his, protect him, it’s so strange yet a revelation. I’m not scared of it, which is also strange but a welcomed feeling. It’s Kurt and it’s safe because of it. I know him, he knows me. He’s my safety place. With him I can be myself. With him I can be whoever I want to be. Maybe I can be the guy who is falling for his best friend?

But then I remember. He doesn’t want to kiss me. I can pretend all I want in my head that this fantasy could be a reality, but in the real world it can’t. In the real world he thinks I’m weird for wanting to kiss him. Illusion shattered.

So I don’t say that.

“You wish” I say instead and slap him playfully on his arm because I don’t want this to become an awkward moment between us.

“Yes, because who wouldn’t want the magnificent Blaine Anderson pursuing him.” Kurt says and rolls his eyes.

“Ah, you think I’m magnificent.” I say, batting my eyelashes and playing flattered. Anything to keep up the illusion that I’m not totally freaking out by my own thoughts. Anything to stop thinking.

“Just stop it.” Kurt laughs.

“I can’t, I’m magnificent.”

Kurt hits me in my chest to make me stop.

“Ouch!” I cry out even though it didn’t hurt at all.

“Seriously though,” Kurt says “thank you for those words. I think I needed to hear them.”

“You help me, I help you. That’s what we do Kurt.” 

In the corner of my eyes I can see him smiling. He’s so beautiful right then and I really, really want to kiss him. I have no clue what I want to happen after I kiss him, I can’t make myself think that far in to the future or I will go crazy thinking about all the possibilities. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Kurt asks.

“Sure” I answer absentmindedly. “You can pick whatever you want.” And I’ll just lie here thinking about kissing you.

It’s late and I’m actually quite tired, but I don’t feel like going home. I’d rather stay here next to Kurt in his bed, his arm pressed against mine and his face just inches away. A world of possibilities between us, but also a world full of uncertainty, of nerves and of a shattered illusions. 

Yes I like to torture myself.

“Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?” I ask him. It’s not an out of the blue question, I sleep on Kurt’s couch at least once week. I sometimes just don’t want to go home to an empty apartment, sleeping by myself and eating breakfast by myself. Those days, I rather stay here and enjoy Kurt and Burt’s company. 

I don’t know where this new desire to torture myself is coming from, but sleeping this close to Kurt is sure to be torture. So close but yet so completely out of reach. Yet I can’t make myself leave, which is what I should do because I’m dangerously close to crossing a line I’m not sure I’m comfortable crossing. 

Something new is slowly dawning inside me, but I can’t see the full extent of it just yet. There are still some un-thought thoughts that haven’t clicked yet.

“I kind of counted on it” Kurt smiles as he sits up and scrolls through the selection of movies available on Netflix. “Oh, this one is good” he says as he picks one and press play and lays back down on his stomach, his head facing the TV by the end of the bed. This gives me the opportunity to look at him without him noticing it. 

His face is pretty, but his backside is quite beautiful as well. He’s wearing a light blue t-shirt and grey pajama pants which, when he’s laying like this, falls softly around his hips, accentuating his ass. His t-shirt has slid up a bit, revealing a streak of pale skin above his hips. I want to place small butterfly kisses there just to see how Kurt’s body reacts to the touch. Will he shiver? Will it tickle him? Will he make sinful sounds? The thoughts make something happen in the middle part of my body. I feel my dick twitch and it’s getting hard. I quickly close my eyes to close out the sight of Kurt’s ass and pale skin, trying to calm myself down, willing the blood to return to the rest of my body.

What the hell is happening? Why is my body reacting like this to the sight of some skin on Kurt’s back? Why do I get hard thinking about kissing Kurt’s bare skin and what sounds he will make? The un-thought thoughts are finally being thought. Do I actually like him like him? Am I falling for him for real? Is it more than a fantasy? Is that why my body is reacting like this? Or am I just sexually frustrated? My mind is racing. What does this mean? 

“Look, the beginning of this movie is so beautiful” I hear Kurt say.

I quickly open my eyes again and pull up my legs so that they bend at the knee, hoping that Kurt won’t see what’s going on inside my shorts.

“Are you sleeping?” he asks me.

“No, no.” I assure him. “I was just…” I trail off. It seems I can’t come up with a convincing lie to why I was laying there with closed eyes.

Kurt gives me a knowing smile. “If you want to sleep, we can turn of the movie. It’s okay, I’ve seen this movie before.”

“No, I’m not tired.” I say as a sit up a little bit so that my back is resting against the headboard. “Let’s continue to watch the movie.”

“Okay” Kurt says and turn around again.

I place a pillow in my lap, to cover up any further action that might happen down there. I curse my body for having a life of it’s own that I can’t control. The movie is half descent once I start watching it, but my eyes keep wandering to Kurt’s ass and I keep getting distracted. My body has never reacted this way in Kurt’s presence before, and I have even seen him naked in the showers after gym class. Not that I was looking at him in that way then, but still I have never gotten hard just at the sight of a streak pale, smooth, flawless skin at the small of someone’s back. I’m suddenly glad we don’t have gym classes together anymore. It’s a little scary to me, how I reacted. I think I know what it means, but could it be?

After a while, I decide to lay down on my stomach next to Kurt instead. It’s keeping me from getting distracted by Kurt’s beautiful ass, and it also covers up anything that might be going down there. We lay there silently next to each other, just staring at the TV.

“I think I’ve seen this one before” I say. The plot seems familiar to me. “It’s the Notebook right?”

“You’re just realizing this now?” Kurt asks incredulously and rolls his eyes. “Halfway into the movie?”

“Yeah, you know me, I rarely remember movies I watch.” And I was distracted by other things.

“Do you want to switch movie, because I have already seen this like fifteen times.” Kurt says.

“No, you like it, so let’s keep watching.” I say again. “You could do me a favor though and scratch my back. There’s this spot between my shoulder blades that I can’t reach and it’s really itching.”

There really isn’t but he doesn’t need to know that. I just want him touching me. If this is what I think it is, I have to explore it. For one night I can let go of my issues, my pretense of who I am and who I want to be, and just live in the fantasy. I’ll face reality tomorrow.

Kurt stretch out his hand and scratches absentmindedly on a spot that is not even close to where I described.

“Not even close Hummel” I tell him. I bend my arm backward and try to find the place myself, just to show him that I can’t reach it. “Come on, help me out.”

“Fine.” Kurt sighs not sounding too pleased as he sits up on his knees.

I quickly pull of my tank top, and with it goes the beanie, and throw it all on the floor. I think I hear a small gasp coming from Kurt but that must just be my imagination, because when I turn my head to look at him I see that he is yawning so that must have been what I heard. My mind is playing tricks with me, making me hear things I want to.

“What are you doing?” Kurt asks me, looking at the tank top on the floor.

_I want to feel your fingertips against my skin._ “Giving you better access.” I answer at which Kurt snorts lightly. “What?” I ask and prop myself up on my elbows.

“Nothing.” Kurt answers. “Lay back down again.”

There’s this heavy tension in the air between us and I half expect Kurt to make a joke about how I should be more worried about getting gay cooties. But he doesn’t and it’s kind of strange because that’s how we normally talk.

I do as he asks and lay down on my stomach again. Kurt straddles my legs and sit down on my thighs and it’s heavenly torture. I’m thankful that I’m on my stomach so that Kurt can’t see the surprised look on my face, or the slight blush spreading across my cheeks. Or what’s happening inside my shorts. Again.

Kurt starts scratching my back. He starts between my shoulder blades but soon his fingers are running all over my back. I try so hard to not make any kind of sounds, but I’m not sure I’m being successful. It’s just that the touch of his fingers against my skin make everything tingle, and it sends shivers up and down my spine. No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m fully hard now and this was such a bad idea. I could tell him to stop, but I don’t want too. It feels too good. I need to distract myself. Talking! Talking is good distraction.

“So I was thinking” I tell him.

“Mmm” Kurt answers like he is million miles away in his own thoughts.

“Now that Emily knows that you are gay, you should maybe tell our friends.” 

Emily loves to gossip and this is too juicy for her to keep quiet about.

“I know” Kurt answers and sighs. “The way she reacted… yeah it’s not likely she will keep this to herself.” He goes quiet for a moment before he continues. “Will you help me? I want to tell them, but I’m kind of scared of how they will react. Seeing that Emily reacted the way she did, and I thought that she was my friend, I don’t know what to expect from our friends. And so far when I’ve told someone it hasn’t gone exactly according to the way I planned it. I just really need your support on this. Please.”

I can tell that he is nervous by the way he talks faster and faster the more words that come out of his mouth.

“Of course I’ll help you.” I say. “Don’t be nervous, they are your friends and I’m sure you telling them that you like guys doesn’t change that.” I hope to god it doesn’t because if they do, and I’m what I think I am, then… No I can’t even think about it. But if, we’ll always have each other. I’ll always have Kurt. “If it does then we don’t have to be friends with them anymore. It doesn’t matter how Emily reacted, she’s crazy. Please don’t bother thinking about her.”

By trying to calm him, I’m trying to calm myself.

“They’re still your friends even if they don’t approve of me.” Kurt tells me. “You just can’t stop being friends with them because of me.”

“Yes I can, and I will. You are more important to me than all of them together.” I say. 

“Blaine…”

I wish I could see Kurt’s face, but I don’t dare to turn around to look at him. I think that he’ll see right through me. It’s true though, Kurt is more important to me than any of them. He always has been, but it’s so much more than that now. I would actually give up all my other friends if it meant that I could keep Kurt happy and safe.

It’s then that it dawns on me. 

The final missing puzzle piece that has been just out of reach for so long finally falls into place. I do like Kurt. Like really like him. All these thoughts about wanting to kiss him, of wanting to touch him, for him to touch me, about not wanting him to date anyone else. It’s because I want to be more than friends with him. It’s because I love him.

I’m in love with Kurt. It all makes perfect sense and explains so much. Maybe I am gay after all? Or bi? I’ve only have girlfriends before so how can I know what I am? But all I really need to know now is that I want to be with Kurt. I want Kurt to be my boyfriend.

I’m in love with Kurt.

Wow.

I’m not as scared about this realization as I might have thought I would be. It’s like everything falls into place and I’m actually relieved that my thoughts finally makes sense.

“Thank you” Kurt whispers and for moment I think that I’ve said it out loud and he’s thanking me for realizing I’m in love with him, but then I remember what I just told him.

“Well it’s the truth.” I tell him.

Kurt is no longer scratching my back, he’s just absentmindedly running his fingers up and down my back. It’s a feather light touch, I feel goosebumps forming on my skin and a moan accidentally escape from my lips. Then Kurt’s fingers leave my skin and he flops down on the bed next to me again. 

Fuck. Did I just ruin everything? God please don’t let things become weird between us.

“I think that’s enough back scratching” Kurt says. “I’m feeling tired, maybe we should go to sleep.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I answer. “But there’s like only twenty minutes left of the movie so we might as well finish it.” I don’t want him to leave my side. I don’t want him to pull away. This is all so stupid. I need to learn how to control myself around Kurt or our friendship will never be the same. I can’t ruin this. Kurt is the one good thing in my life.

Besides, I can’t get up now or it would be very obvious what’s going on inside my shorts, which feel extremely tight at the moment. I need a few minutes to cool down before I move.

“Yes, that sounds like a good idea” Kurt agrees.

For the remaining twenty minutes, we lay silent next to each other and by the time the movie ends, my erection has disappeared and I’m ready to leave the bed. Kurt goes into the bathroom first, which probably wasn’t the best idea because he always take forever to get ready for bed. While I wait for him I pick up my phone and see that there is a text from Puck.

**Puck  
Brunch at Quinn’s tomorrow at noon. Bring egg and bacon.**

**Blaine  
See u there.**

I lay my phone down again and stare up at the ceiling. I smile to myself. I have a crush on Kurt. Then my smile turns into a frown when I remember that Kurt doesn’t like me that way. He’s made it pretty clear that he’s not at all interested in kissing me. The hollow feeling in my stomach that I’ve been feeling for the past couple of weeks returns, but for a completely different reason.

I get up from the bed. I can’t lay there on Kurt’s bed thinking about this. I need to stop thinking or I’ll go crazy. I pace a little in the room, not able to concentrate on anything until Kurt finally comes out from the bathroom and take his place in there. While I brush my teeth I think about jerking off just to let go of some the tension in my body. In the end I decide against it. It feels weird with Kurt being out there on the other side of the door. I wash my face with cold water instead and uses some of Kurt’s products before I go back into the bedroom again.

Kurt is in his bed, under the cover, and I see that he has made up the couch for me. I don’t really want to sleep on the couch and in a brief moment of bravery, a brief moment of thinking that I can extend the fantasy a few hours longer before everything has to go back to normal, because it has to there is no other option, I take my pillow and walk over to the bed and lay down next to him.

“What are you doing?” Kurt ask me cautiously furrowing his eyebrows. 

“Can I sleep here next to you? The couch is really uncomfortable.”

“You haven’t slept in my bed since we were like twelve. You haven’t had a problem with the couch before.” Kurt look at me with questioning eyes, wondering what’s really going on.

“Please?” is all I manage to get out.

“You want to share a bed with your gay friend?” Kurt says emphasizing the word gay. “You’re not scared I will jump you in my sleep?” he adds with a smirk.

_I wish you would_

“I’ll take my chances” I smirk back. “Just stay on your side of the bed Hummel.” I add to not be too obvious.

“Fine. But you better get your own cover as well because I’m not sharing mine.”

I get up from the bed and fetch my cover from the couch and then I go back to the bed again. I take of my shorts lay down next to Kurt again, wearing only me underwear. I don’t know if this really is a good idea, or strike that, I know it isn’t, but I just feel like being close to him and tonight I apparently just go with my feelings. 

“Do you want to borrow a pajama?” Kurt asks, not looking directly at me.

“Nah, I’m good, it’s too warm”

“Okay.”

Kurt turn out the light and we say goodnight to each other.

“Blaine?” Kurt says after a while.

“Yes?”

“Are you worried about your mom? Is that why you don’t want to be alone?”

I am worried about her, about her throwing herself headfirst into a new relationship, but that’s not reason why I’m laying here in his bed. But letting him think that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

“Yes…”

“It will be okay, you know.”

“Mmm, I hope you are right.”

“I actually don’t want to be alone either.” Kurt admits after a while. “I’m nervous about telling our friends.”

“I know,” I tell him, “but seriously don't be. They know you and they’re smart, well at least most of them, and… just don’t worry about it Kurt. I’ll be by your side.”

I feel a light squeeze from Kurt’s hand on my arm. “Thank you.”

I lay awake just staring up at the ceiling, watching the moonlight causing shadows there. It’s been an eventful day and lots of thoughts are spinning in my mind preventing me from falling asleep. Mainly thoughts about Kurt. 

How will I be able to carry on with life normally now that everything has changed? Could I really be feeling these feelings towards Kurt? They feel real, but are they? How do I know? It’s so scary, falling in love, I never expected it to be. Then again, I never expected the first person I fell in love with to be a guy. To be Kurt. Beautiful, wonderful, amazing Kurt who has totally stolen my heart.

Not that it matters, Kurt wants to go on grindr and find a date with a burly, middle-aged man. He has probably never thought about me in any kind of romantic way. Am I supposed to stand by him now, watching him date other guys? How can I do that without breaking? 

I sigh and turn to my side so that I’m facing Kurt’s back. I see the contour of his body in the dark, moonlit room. I see his chest rising and falling slowly and I hear his light snores. He’s already in deep sleep. Fuck real life, fuck right and wrong, I think to myself and pull his cover away slightly so that I can slide in next to him. Carefully, so I don’t wake him I slide one arm under his neck and put the other one around his waist and spoon him. I don’t mean to be creepy, I just want to hold him for a second, feel him in my arms. I know I won’t be able to this in real life, but in this fantasy I can.

Kurt shuffles slightly in his sleep, and for a moment I freeze afraid that I have woken him because how will I explain this if he wakes up? But he only moves his body closer to mine, sighs contently, and continues to sleep.

I inhale his scent. He smells like a mix of vanilla and musk and detergent and something else. Something that is uniquely Kurt. I relax and let myself enjoy being this close to him. Just for one more minute and then I’ll go back to my own side of the bed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thanks to everyone for leaving Kudos and comments, I really appriciate each and everyone of you. I love reading your comments and finding out what you think. I wrote in the beginning that this was slow moving, which obviously is true ;), just hang in there for another few chapters and then we'll get there.
> 
> Now it's time to face the friends, and for Kurt to face a Blaine wrapped around himself (because I guess you all figured out Blaine did not go back to his own side).

**Kurt, Monday June 21st, 8.51 am**

I’m slowly waking up. My eyes are still closed, it feels too early to be awake, but it’s so warm. It’s summer but it’s too warm for this early in the morning. Yet I feel this overwhelming heat, like I’m trapped in a sauna. I slowly open my eyes. The room is light and the windows are still open. The air feels cool, so why then am I so warm? And what is this weight on my chest? I look down and freeze. Blaine’s arm is gripping tightly around my chest. Why is he holding me?

I hear his deep breathing close to my ear, he’s still asleep. He has really snuggled in close to me and his entire body is pressed against my backside. For a moment I just lay there enjoying being held by Blaine. I’ll take this moment because when he wakes up this will all be gone and he will go back to being… well just Blaine, my _friend_ Blaine.

He must have turned over and rolled into me sometime during the night. It feels strange that I didn’t notice it, but honestly I was so tired last night when we finally went to sleep that I probably would have slept through a hurricane.

Blaine moves behind me and I can realize that his cock is pressed against my ass. His hard cock. I know it’s only morning wood, but my body doesn't care about that. It reacts instinctively and I’m hard within seconds. 

I jump out of bed so quickly that I’m scared I’ll wake Blaine up. I’m not sure how I’d explain the obvious tenting of my pajama pants which I’m sure matches the tenting of his boxers. I can’t let him see me like this, it’ll be too embarrassing. I can’t let him think that I’m turned on by him, which I am but him knowing that is a one way ticket to an awkward conversation I’d rather avoid.

“Hey… what’s going on?” Blaine’s asking me in a sleepy voice.

Shit, shit, shit! Fuck! 

I look back at him over my shoulder, grateful that I’m standing with my back against him. He’s looking groggy and woozy, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

I turn my face away from him again, afraid that he’ll be able to know just from looking at my face. “Nothing.” I tell him. “Go back to sleep, I’m just gonna take a shower.”

“You okay?” Blaine asks with a big yawn to my back. It sounds like he’s almost falling asleep again.

“Yes of course. Go back to sleep Blaine.”

He mumbles something which I can’t make out, but I’m not sticking around to figure out what it is. I hurry to the bathroom. I take of my clothes and step into the shower. I let the hot warm water splash over my back as I quickly push my hand up and down my erection. It only takes a few strokes before I’m coming, spraying the shower wall with my cum. I remain panting under the water until it’s all out of my system.

The release feels amazing. And strange… My mind is dizzy with a post-orgasm haze but I feel kind of foolish for being so extremely turned on by _that_. I’m going to make a fool of myself when I end up with a real boyfriend.

When I walk back out into my bedroom Blaine is still sleeping, only now he’s hugging my pillow instead of me. He looks peaceful, as if he hasn’t got a trouble in the world. It’s nice seeing him like that, because when he wakes up I know he will start worrying about his mom again. He’s beautiful, a small smile playing on his lips. I’ve never really looked at him like this. His curly, dark hair is spread over his forehead and his pillow. The arm hugging my pillow is showing his strong bicep. His left leg is splayed across the cover, a leg leading up to…

And now I need to do something else. If he wakes up and catches me standing here staring at him with an obvious bulge in my underwear, well that will be another moment of embarrassment I’d rather avoid. I get dressed and head upstairs to make breakfast. 

I make it as far as the kitchen table before I have to sit down, as thoughts from last night catch up with me and my heart starts racing. Blaine was everywhere last night, over me, under me, beneath my skin, in my bed. I don’t think there were many moments where our skin didn’t connect at some point. 

Just thinking about him being that close, gets my heart racing and my cock swelling. As it did most of last night too. He was just so close it was hard to control.

This crush is going to be the death of me. My feelings for him are only getting stronger and it’s beginning to be a problem. Ever since I told him I’m gay it’s like he feels this need to be close to me. To protect me or something, I don’t know… But it’s so, so hard to be that close and not be affected by it. I have to learn how to control my body around him or I will ruin something. Ruin us and our friendship. I can’t do that. I need him. He makes me feel like I’m okay and normal, and I desperately need to feel normal.

I’m scared. I know what I have to do today and it scares me. I need Blaine there with me, need the support he gives and the knowledge that there’s at least one person who won’t turn his back on me, one person still there. I’m going to need him every day after that and so I can’t ruin this friendship with some stupid feelings.

-x-x-

When Blaine emerges from the basement about one hour and a half later, I have gathered myself enough to make breakfast to us. His is hair still wet from the shower. His hair looks adorably curly and messy, and I think I’m beginning to form an obsession with his hair.

“Morning” he mumbles and send me a smile. “What are you doing?”

“Good morning sleepy head. I’m baking.” I say stating the obvious.

“I see that, but why?”

“I was told to bring cupcakes to brunch, so I figured I’d bake them myself while I waited for you to wake up.” I can’t look at him without being reminded of what happened downstairs in my bed while he was still asleep, too embarrassed by my own reaction. I continue to put the frosting on top instead.

“Is that chocolate frosting?”

“Of course” I say. I always make chocolate frosting because of Blaine’s love for chocolate.

“You know you got cupcakes because they know you’d bake, right?”

“Yes, I’m aware of that, but I don’t mind, I like to bake. I made pancakes if you want some.” I say and point at the pile next to me on the counter. 

“Mmm, love pancakes.” Blaine says. “Lemon and poppy seed, my favorites! You are really spoiling me today.” I know they’re his favorites, that’s why I made them. I always make sure to stock the ingredients needed to make them in the pantry. And yes I know it might seem like I’d do these things to please him, but honestly I was going to make cupcakes and pancakes anyway so why not make his favorites?

He grabs a plate and put some pancakes on it, before he goes over to the fridge and take out the maple syrup. He pops open the lid and pours some over his pancakes. He sits down at the table and starts eating.

“Acn n gg.” Blaine says with his mouth full of pancakes.

“Huh?” I say confused and turn to look at him.

Blaine swallows before he speaks again. “Bacon and egg. That’s what I’m supposed to bring.”

“I guess we’re going shopping before we head over, because we have neither of those things in the fridge.”

“These pancakes are really good. You should bring these.” Blaine says

“I will, if you don’t eat them all.”

“I can’t promise that, I think I might have to. They’re that good.” Blaine smiles at me and I smile back.

I’m relieved he doesn’t seem to remember what happened downstairs. At least he’s not saying anything about it and I’m definitely not going to bring it up. Not that anything did happen, not to his knowledge.

“I think I might tell them today.” I say.

Blaine stops chewing and looks at me. “I’ll be there right beside you. I’ll help you with this if you want me to.”

“Thank you, but I think it’s enough if you’re just there.”

“Okay, but I’ll beat them if they’re not nice to you” Blaine says and wink at me.

“No, you’ll not.” I chuckle.

“Okay, no I won’t but only because I don’t think I’ll have to. They’re your friends and you have nothing to worry about.” Blaine assures me.

“You keep saying that, but you don’t know that.”

“Yes I do.”

I shake my head. “No you don’t.”

“Yes. I. Do.” Blaine says firmly, his eyes boring into mine to make sure I understand and believe him.

I sigh. I hope he is right. I hope I had his confidence. I’m just so scared that some of them will react the same way Emily did. Even if it’s just one of them, it will break my heart. They’re all practically family to me. I guess that’s why I’m so nervous about it.

“Maybe you could help me, uhm… start up the conversation?” I say tentatively, suddenly feeling a bit shy. “The three times I’ve told people I was gay, it sort of happened by accident and I don’t want to do it that way this time.”

“By accident?” Blaine asks

“Yeah, with you and Emily I just blurted it out to explain why I ended things with her, and with my dad… well he sort of caught me while I was practicing how to tell him to my mirror.”

Blaine snickers. “You practiced with your mirror?” he says in amused disbelief.

I turn my attention back to my cupcakes, trying to hide the fact that I’m blushing. “Don’t judge me, I wanted to get it right.” I say quietly. “But I didn’t hear him come down the stairs so he heard my practice monologue.”

“I wouldn’t judge you.” Blaine says fondly from where he is sitting at the table. “I’m sorry Kurt, I know it’s a sensitive subject, but it was kind of funny that you practiced in front of the mirror. Of course I’ll help you.”

I finish with the frosting and then put away the cupcakes in the fridge. I take a plate of my own, places a pancake on it although I’ve already eaten breakfast, and sit down across from Blaine.

“How are you today?” I ask concerned, thinking about his mom and how he’d clung to me in his sleep.

“Good. I slept really well tonight, I don’t think I’ve felt this well rested in ages.” He gives me one of those dazzling smiles that a person can when he’s thoroughly well rested and happy and content with life.

I contemplate telling him that he was cuddling me, but he’s in such a good mood and I know it will embarrass him, so I don’t. Also I don’t want to bring any attention to what happened next. Instead I ask him if he feels more at ease with the whole his mom dating again situation. That feels like a safer topic of conversation.

He tells me he does thanks to me, and then we smile at each other before I focus my eyes on my pancakes instead. I can’t look at him without thinking about what happened down in my bed and jerking of while remembering his erection pressed up against me, and when I think about it I blush and that be pretty hard to explain to Blaine. 

Blaine eat some more pancakes, well he actually eats all of them, before we get ready to leave. We take Blaine’s car, I’m too nervous to drive. I keep worrying about how they will react, what they will say. I’m scared they will exclude me from our group, or that things will change and we’ll never be the same group of friends.

When we park outside the grocery shop Blaine tells me not to worry so much, like he knows I do without having to say it. That’s the perks of having a friend like Blaine, most of the times I don’t have to say what I think he just knows it anyway. 

Sometimes he has no clue at all, but that’s also a perk of having a friend like Blaine.

I do worry. I have to prepare myself for the worst. Blaine squeezes my knee and tells me that I don’t have too, that he’s got my back.

We quickly purchase the egg and bacon Blaine is supposed to bring and start the drive over to Quinn’s. Despite Blaine’s encouraging words, my heart is speeding up as we park in the driveway and my palms are all sweaty. I hold on tight to my container with cupcakes, like my life depended on it, when we walk the short distance to the front door. 

The door is flung open before get a chance to knock on it.

“There you are, I’m starving.” Puck greets us. “Get inside, we are all waiting for you two.”

“Relax man, we’re here now.” Blaine answers. I’ve been so nervous thinking about what might happen that I haven’t realized we are thirty minutes late. I hate being late, and now I feel bad for making the others wait. The unsettled feeling in my stomach keeps growing.

“I have an idea for Friday!” Sam tells Blaine excitedly and fist bumps him when we enter the kitchen.

I take our things and go over to the counter to stand next to Quinn and Tina. I feel most comfortable in their presence, I think that they will judge me the least. The guys I’m not so sure about.

“I thought we had decided what songs to play.” Blaine answers.

I’m not following this conversation one bit. What are they talking about?

“It’s not about the songs” Sam says. “I was thinking we should have like matching outfits.”

“Or maybe not.” Blaine says. “That’s a horrible idea Sam.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Mike asks hopping up to sit on one of the counters.

Blaine tells us about a gig in Columbus that Sam’s uncle apparently got Sam at his club and that Sam asked him to be a part of it.

“That’s cool dudes.” Puck says and high fives both of them.

“Yeah, we only decided on it yesterday so we’ve got a lot of practicing to do this week. But it’ll be fun. And we both need the cash.” Sam says.

“I’m making you all come out there and listen to us on Friday.” Blaine says and point at each and every one of us.

“Of course we’ll come, right Mike?” Tina says in her usual over-excitingly manner.

Why hasn’t Blaine mentioned this to me? It’s seems like a big deal to him and it feels strange that he hasn’t even mentioned it. Maybe he doesn't want me there.

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss that.” Mike answers.

Then they all shuffle about getting the food ready and bringing it to the table on the patio, next to the pool. Well everyone but Puck who mostly seem to be steeling different food items here and there. 

I stand sort of frozen by the counter, placing my cupcakes on a plate. Then I sort them in rows, before I decide it looks better if they’re in circles. I’m too nervous to look at anyone. I know what I have to do, what I want to do, I just don’t know how to do it.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jump at the touch.

“Relax.” Blaine tells me. “I think the cupcakes are in perfect order now.”

I know he gets that I’m scared, that I’m trying to keep myself busy in order to not break down. 

“Will you come on Friday?” Blaine asks.

“Do you want me to come?”

“Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”

“You never mentioned anything about it to me yesterday, so I wasn’t sure…”

“We had a lot of other things to talk about yesterday, I sort of forgot to mention it, but you know I want you there. Will you come?” He’s looking at me pleadingly with those puppy dog hazel eyes that I so easily get lost in. 

“Yes, sure I’ll come. This is a great opportunity for you.” I tell him forcing myself to look away. “You better sing some of your own songs.”

Blaine is not only a great singer, he’s also a songwriter. Sometimes he sings them to us while playing his guitar, but I suspect that he has a whole box of songs that nobody has heard before. A box of songs waiting to be released and played to a greater audience. I’m quite sure Blaine will be a well-known singer/songwriter one day. He has the talent to do it.

“We’ll see. Sam’s the one who got us the gig so I’m letting him take the lead on this, but I’m hoping that I get to perform one of my songs in front of an audience. That would be cool.” 

I see the dreamy look in his eyes, knows that this is his dream, performing his own songs in front of a live audience. “I’m sure Sam won’t mind.”

“Are you guys coming? Everything is ready.” Quinn has re-entered the kitchen. “Bring the cupcakes and let’s eat.”

We follow her outside where everyone is already seated. I take the empty chair next to Tina and Sam, while Blaine sits down across from me next to Puck. Everybody digs into the food and conversation is flowing, but I’m not really paying attention. I keep going over in my head what to say, how to say it. There’s food on my plate, but I’m not able to eat anything.

“Kurt, are you oaky?” Tina asks concerned, reaching over to place a hand on my arm. “You’re not eating anything.”

“Oh, I’m not hungry, I ate before I came here.” I try to sound calm, but I think I’m failing because Tina looks at me cautiously.

“Have you tried the Greek yoghurt with my home made granola? It’s delicious!”

“Maybe later.” I tell her. I look around the table at my friends and they all look happy. They’re all laughing and having a good time. Schools over, summer is here, the sun is shining and everyone is relaxed. Maybe today isn’t a good day to tell them. Not when everyone is so happy. I don’t want to damper the mood. 

My eyes finally land on Blaine. He’s talking to Puck, laughing about something, but he glance over at me and our eyes meet. He smiles and I smile back. Somehow, I think he takes that as a sign because suddenly he’s trying to get everyone’s attention.

“Guys, listen.” Blaine says and I try to shake my head to say ‘ _no_ ’ but he quickly has everyone’s attention (like he always has). “Kurt has something to tell you.”

“No I don’t.” I say quickly. I want to disappear. I want to be anywhere but here. But I also want to get this done. 

“Yes you do.” Blaine says firmly and gives me a reassuring smile.

Okay. This is it. I feel everyone’s eyes on me. I take a deep breath. “Okay, I don’t want to make a big fuzz about it, but I do have something I want to tell you.” Everyone is silent, watching me, waiting for me to continue and I feel like this is becoming a much bigger moment than I want it to be, but here goes nothing. “I’m gay.” There’s silence. “I understand if this is confusing or comes as a shock to you, but I’m gay.”

There I said it. It’s out. Now I just have to wait for their response. They’re all quiet. I can’t look at any of them, I keep staring down at my plate. Maybe it was a bad idea to tell them all at the same time. Maybe I should have had one-on-one chats with them instead? Oh god, somebody say something please.

“Wow! That’s great! I had no idea… But, yeah, this is great Kurt. If I wasn’t dating Mike I would totally check out guys with you.” Tina’s has a hard time dealing with uncomfortable silences. She needs to fill the silence with words, so that the awkwardness becomes less awkward. 

“Yeah, cool man.” Mike says from Tina’s other side.

“You should make a big fuzz about it.” Quinn says. “This is huge Kurt, thank you for telling us. I will totally check out guys with you.”

Everyone laughs at her comment, well everyone but Blaine and Puck. Quinn gets up off her chair, walk around the table and gives me a hug.

“This doesn’t change anything.” She tells me and I exhale for the first time since I told them. Her words are exactly what I needed to here.

“Oh, I got this great gay joke!” Sam exclaims. “Why can’t gays drive faster than 68 mph?” When nobody answers, Sam continues. “Because at 69 they blow a rod!” 

Sam and Puck are laughing, but I’m not ready for any gay jokes just yet. They kind of make me uncomfortable.

“Okay, drop it Sam.” Blaine says and glares at Sam. “I’m proud of Kurt for coming out and telling us this. It’s not been easy for him, but I agree with Quinn. This doesn’t change anything for me either.”

I already knew this, but I appreciate him saying it out loud to everyone. I relax because they all seem to be taking it better than I expected. Then again I always expect the worst and now I feel kind of silly about it. Blaine was right. They’re my friends, they’ve known me since middle school, they accept me.

“How long have been gay?” Tina asks.

“I guess I’ve always been gay.” I say. “But I it started to dawn on me about a year ago. I’ve been figuring myself out since then and been coming to terms with that this is who I am.”

“So are you like out now?” Sam asks.

“I guess so.” I say because I haven’t really thought about it in those terms. “I mean I have told my dad and I just told you guys. I don’t care about anyone else.”

“Cool” Sam says. “Oh! I just thought of another joke. Why are most politicians in the closet or gay? Because they can only mandate!” Sam laughs at his own joke. “Get it? Man-date!” I can see that the others think it’s sort of funny and this fuels Sam on. “How do you fit three gay guys on one barstool? Turn it upside down!”

I can’t help but feel that he is making fun of me. Not that he is really, but all these gay jokes are making me feel ridiculed. 

“That’s enough Sam!” Blaine tells him rather harshly and everyone stops laughing. 

I notice that Puck hasn’t said anything and I wonder why.

“You’re being very quiet Puck.” I say and look over at him.

He shifts a little uncomfortably in his chair.

“I find it if you have nothing nice to say, it’s better to stay quiet.” He says and I can feel my insides plummet to the ground. I don’t know how to reply to that, and it’s like it doesn't matter that everyone else has been positive about it (well I don’t really know what Sam thinks actually), because now I can only hear Puck’s words over and over in my head. This was exactly what I feared.

I don’t know if anyone is saying anything, I’m not really listening anymore. I need to get away. So I just push my chair back and walk inside. I hear other chairs scraping against the ground and then I hear Blaine’s voice through the open window.

“You idiots! Do you know how hard this was for him? How much he dreaded telling you guys? And you keep making these stupid jokes Sam. They’re not funny. They’re offensive. And you Puck, what the hell??”

“What?! Do you want me to sit here and pretend that everything is dandy, when this is so not okay? Hummel being gay, it’s just… disgusting.”

“Puck!!” Blaine shouts in angry disbelief. “It’s Kurt, how can you say that?!”

“I didn’t say it. I said it’s better to stay quiet and that’s what I did. But you can’t all sit here and pretend it’s normal, for a guy to like another guy? It’s not!”

I knew it was coming, still I’m having a hard time hearing it. I knew it. I knew one of them would not accept me. I can try to reinvent myself a million times but in the end I’m still me. I’m still the boy who doesn’t want to be a freak, who wants to fit in, who wants to be loved.

I can’t listen anymore, so I walk into to the kitchen and shut the door behind me. I try not to cry. I push my fingers against my closed eyelids, trying to force the tears to remain behind them. But it’s useless, I can’t stop them. I sit down on the floor, my back against one of the counters, and my legs drawn up. I rest my forehead against my knees and fold my arms around my legs. All I can hear inside my head now are Puck’s words.

_It’s disgusting  
It’s not normal_

How can me being true to myself be disgusting and not normal? I get angry then and cry even more. For a second I want to go out there and punch him, but the moment passes quickly and I go back to being sad again. I’ve never believed violence solves anything, but I just feel so mad. 

I hear the door open and I turn to look up at who is coming. I’m expecting it to be Blaine, but it’s not. It’s Quinn. I quickly try to dry my tears, but I think it’s obvious I’ve been crying.

“Kurt?” she says in a soft voice. She walks cautiously over to where I’m sitting. “Don’t listen to Puck.”

“How could I not?” I ask angrily between sobs.

“Because he’s a jerk.” Quinn sits down next to me. “He’s a jerk who doesn’t realize that you are still the same person. You are still our beautiful Kurt.” She strokes my arm gently and I look up at her, my tear stained eyes meeting her smiling blues. 

“I heard what he said after I went inside…” I say, whipping away the tears with my hands.

“Puck’s not very good with words and he’s hardly known for being the one to think before he speaks, not that that makes anything he said acceptable.”

“Do you think I’m disgusting?... For liking guys?” I ask holding my breath. More tears are pooling in my eyes because I’m an emotional wreck today.

“God, no Kurt! Don’t even think that. It doesn’t matter who you love. Love is love, end of story. All of us think like this. Don’t worry about Puck. Let me talk to him, he’ll come around.”

I don’t believe that he will. “You can’t force him to accept who I am.” I tell her. More tears are coming. God, why is this so hard? I knew some people wouldn’t accept or even like me for who I am, but still it’s so hard to be confronted by it.

“No, but I can force him to accept that he is an idiot.” Quinn says with a little laugh. “Please don’t be sad Kurt. You’re being honest with who you are and you should be happy, we should all be happy for you. What you told us today takes a lot of courage and you’re probably the bravest person I know for doing that in front of all of us. Please, _please_ , don’t be sad. Not today. We should celebrate this day.”

I laugh a little through my tears because I don’t think this is something worth celebrating. I’m just being me. Still her words make me feel a little more comfortable with myself and with the situation. Maybe Puck will never come around, but there are still people who care about me and accept me. I don’t know why she’s so sure she can get him to come around but then I remember what I told Blaine the other week, about suspecting that there was something going on between Quinn and Puck. Maybe that’s why.

“Is there something between you and Puck?” I ask her.

I can feel her tensing up for a second beside me, before she relaxes again. She looks at me with a curious look as if she’s trying to figure out how much I know, how much I’m guessing, how much she wants to tell me.

“How did you know?” She finally asks.

I shrug. “I don’t. It’s just that you always come and leave together, and you keep looking at each other when you think no one’s watching.”

“You and Blaine always come and leave together.” Quinn retorts

“Yes, but that's completely different. Blaine and I aren’t likely to date, are we? You and Puck on the other hand…” I trail off and raise one eyebrow, giving her a knowing look. We both break out in laughter and it feels good to feel a little bit of happiness despite everything.

“Okay, since we are sharing secrets today.” Quinn starts and then she pauses a little before she continues. “Puck and I are sort of seeing each other. I don’t really know what we are, if we’re dating or what. But we like each other, and we like hanging out together just him and me. He has spent most nights here since my parents left for Europe. Sometimes we have sex, but it’s not only about that. He’s like my best friend, and it all just seems right, you know?”

I nod because I sort of do know what she means. Even though there will never be anything romantic between me and Blaine, I sometimes let myself fantasies about what it would be like. And although sex is a part of these fantasies, it’s not the only thing I want (maybe because the thought of sex still scares me…).

“Please don’t tell the others about me and Puck.” Quinn continues. “It’s sort of new and exciting and I think I would like to keep it that way for a little while longer. There’s no pressure to define what we are or explain why we sometimes are together and sometimes not.”

“I won’t, but I don’t think that the others will care.” I tell her. “What will happen when this summer is over and you move to Yale and Puck to LA?”

Quinn sighs and shrugs. “I have no idea. I guess we’ll stay in touch, but I don’t know… We haven’t really talked about it. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. If it’s not, well then it was fun while it lasted.”

I envy her laidback attitude. If it was me I would have a plan for everything. Okay, honestly, I wouldn’t even have started dating someone if I knew we were moving to the opposite sides of the country. 

“Come on, let’s go outside again.” Quinn says and stands up. She reaches out her hand to me but I remain on the floor.

“I think I’ll just stay here until Blaine is ready to take me home.” I say because I arrived in Blaine’s car and I’m sort of dependent on him to take me home again. “I don’t want to go out there and make everyone uncomfortable.”

“If anyone should leave it’s Puck and not you.” Quinn tells me. “Come on now, I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you’re making it up to be in your head.”

“Thanks, but I’ll wait on the front porch, it’s not a problem.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod and even though Quinn doesn’t looks too happy with leaving me, she leaves to go back out to the others. She knows me too well, knows that there isn’t much she can do to make me change my mind. When she’s standing in the door, she turns to me and say “We’re going to find you a nice boy to date. I meant what I said before, I’ll totally check out guys with you. I’ll even go with you to one of those crazy gay bars. It’ll be fun.”

“Thanks Quinn.” I say with a laugh because I can’t imagine setting a foot inside any _crazy gay bar_.

She lingers a little bit longer in the doorway, seemingly contemplating something. “You being gay, it makes sense. It makes perfect sense.” She finally says before she leaves.

I go outside and sit down in the shade on stairs leading up to the front porch. It only takes about ten minutes until I hear the front door open behind me. I turn and look up and is met by Blaine’s worried eyes.

“Are you okay Kurt?”

“Yeah, I just want to go home.” I tell him.

“I’m so sorry about what happened back there.” Blaine sits down next to me and puts his arm around me.

“Why? It wasn’t you who said I was abnormal and disgusting.” I say with a tired voice. 

Blaine flinch at my words. “I was hoping you didn’t hear that… I was this close to punching him in the face.” Blaine says and shows me what he means by holding up his thumb and index finger with just a half an inch between them. “He’s such an asshole.”

“Thanks for defending me.”

“Always.” Blaine says and looks into my eyes. “I will always defend you Kurt.”

I know it’s true. He has always defended me in the past, ever since I let him have my chocolate chip cookies, and I know he will continue to do so for as long as we are friends.

“Will you take me home, please?” 

“Sure.” Blaine answers and we get up and walk over to his car

“I’m supposed to rehears with Sam, but I can stay with you if you want to. I don’t want you to be alone and brood about things.” Blaine says while we are driving.

“Thanks, but I think I prefer to be alone for a while.” 

“Sure?”

“Yes, I can take care of myself Blaine. It’s sweet that you worry about me, but really I’ll be fine.” I say and at the same time my phone buzzes with an incoming text. I read it and then turn to Blaine. “Tina just texted and said she and Mike will come over later, so I’ll have company.”

“Good. Promise me you won’t think too much about what Puck said. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it.”

“I’ll try to.” I answer because I don’t think I can make that promise.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter just because... :)

**Blaine, Wednesday June 23rd, 10.15 pm**

I have to do something about this whole Kurt situation. I can’t stop thinking about him. Sure, we spend a lot of time together, but even when I’m not with him I keep thinking about him. I want to be able to hold him in my arms, cuddle with him, kiss him, and do all sort of things with him. I want him to be mine.

Then there’s this other side of me that, although it recognizes that I am in love with Kurt, doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea. A part of me can’t reconcile with the idea of myself being gay. That’s not the image I have of myself. Yet I am inexplicably and irrevocably in love with him and it’s scary as hell. Trying to fit those two pieces together is confusing and exhausting.

Right now he’s hurting. That’s what I need to focus on. He’s trying to pretend that Puck’s reaction doesn’t affect him, but I know it does. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him to forget about Puck and Emily, to not care about two person’s opinions about him, when there are so many others that accept him and love him regardless of his preferences. But it’s like he can only hear the bad words on repeat over and over in his head. I often find him lost in thoughts, million miles away, with a worried wrinkle between his eyes. I want to make it easier for him but I don’t know how.

I want him to understand that he is loved, not only by me but especially by me. When we’re alone it’s easier to let that part of me that acknowledges this fact to take control. When we’re among friends I try to act as though nothing has changed as though everything is normal, but I’m not sure what normal is anymore. When we’re alone it feels safe to be me. To be affectionate, to say the right things to comfort him. 

I want to tell him. I’ve been thinking up different scenarios where I do. In some of these he falls into my arms and tells me that he’s in love with me too, in some of them he laughs at me, but in most of them he gets this curious look on his face where he doesn’t know whether I’m making fun of him or if I’m being serious. 

I have not yet figured out how to convince him that I’m serious. A kiss seems a little too much, even though that is what I most of all want to do. But I always come back to the fact that he said that kissing me would be _all kinds of weird_. If he knew I’m in love with him maybe he wouldn’t find it weird though. Maybe he would agree to try it? Maybe he would even like it.

But then again, to get to that point I have to tell him. I’m not good at talking about my feelings, not about feelings that matter anyway. I’ve never been good at it. I mostly keep them to myself, which makes it so much more difficult now that I actually want to. And saying it out loud is also so, so very scary. That makes it real. Am I ready for that? Sure it feels safe around Kurt but what about the rest of the world? Am I ready to share it with them? 

“Blaine? Blaine are you even listening to me?” Kurt asks and I blink confused a few times and look up at him.

We’re in my living room, he’s half-laying on the couch next to the one where I flopped down after we had pizza with my mom. Sometimes I wish I had a bigger bedroom so we didn’t have to hangout in the living room. Even though my mom let me have the master bedroom, it’s still small and only fits a bed, a desk, a small and uncomfortable armchair and a bookshelf. Hence, here we are in the living room.

Mom has left to take on her night shift at the diner and we will soon go there as well to meet with Donald. I’m nervous, and having Kurt here both makes it easier and it makes me more nervous at the same time. He calms me down. Having him by my side when I meet Donald for the first time makes me calm. Having him here also make me think about how much I want to be with him, which makes me nervous.

“Blaine? Hello?!”

Oh yeah, Kurt was talking to me.

“Huh?” I answer.

“Did you hear anything I just said?”

“I was… Ehm… No.” I admit. “Sorry.”

“So, I was saying, Sam came over earlier. He apologized for telling those stupid jokes, said he does that when he gets nervous or when a situation gets too intense, and we both know him well enough to know how true that is. Anyway, he told me he has a cousin who’s gay and if I wanted to he could set us up on a date.”

Wait, what? No. No, no, no, no… Kurt is not going on a date with guy who isn’t me.

“Here, look, he showed me this guy’s profile picture on Facebook. His name is Oliver. He looks kind of cute.” Kurt says and hands me his phone.

I take his phone and look at the guy on the picture. He’s blonde like Sam, has blue eyes like Sam, and is tall like Sam. It’s clear he’s related to Sam. I guess he is cute if you are into a guy who looks the exact opposite of me. I feel discouraged. If this is Kurt’s type there’s no way he could be interested in me.

He looks older than us.

“How old is this guy?” I ask.

“21, and he lives in Columbus. What do you think?”

I think that no, you shouldn’t date a 21 year old, probably very experienced, guy who won’t appreciate your innocent and fragile nature. A guy who won’t care about your dreams or about protecting you from all the evil in the world. A guy who will take advantage of your inexperience and steal your first kiss away from me.

That’s what I want to say, but what I actually say is, “He looks okay, I guess, but isn’t he a little old?”

“He’s only three years older than us, besides dating someone older is a little exciting.”

“So you are going on a date with him?” I ask a little surprised at the speed with which this is apparently happening.

“No. Or I don’t know yet. I told Sam that I might be interested but I don’t know if he, if Oliver, wants to go on a date with me.”

I hope he doesn’t, but Kurt is a great guy and good looking so why wouldn’t he.

“Oh! Sam is probably going to show him my profile picture. I need a new one. You need to take a picture of me. How does my hair look?” He says, sits up and runs his fingers through his hair.

“Your hair looks perfect. “ I tell him. It always does. “But you don’t need a new profile pic. I think you look good in your current one.”

“It’s also two years old, I need a new one. Please?” He stretches out his phone towards me.

I sit up, take it (reluctantly) point it at him and snap a few pictures.

“No, wait. I wasn’t ready.” He says and then he starts posing.

I like him more when he’s natural, but I still take a few more photos of him. Then I sit down next to him and take some selfies of the two of us. We start laughing and make silly faces and I document every one of them with his camera.

“You should use one of these as your profile picture.” I tell him teasingly when he takes back his phone to look at the pictures.

“Yes because a picture of me with another guy will surely get Oliver to want to go on a date with me.” Kurt snort with a laugh.

My point exactly!

He starts scrolling through the pictures. I sit beside him and look at the pictures of the two of us. We look cute together, even when we are goofing off.

“Which one should I use?” Kurt asks and I take the phone from him. I scroll through the pictures myself and stop at one of the first ones, where he’s not posing. He’s just looking straight into the camera with a small smile playing on his lips. His blue eyes sparkle, and he just looks perfect.

“This one.”

Kurt looks at the picture and nods. “I like that one too.”

He takes his phone back and changes his profile picture to the one I just picked. Great! I just helped him increase his chances for this date. Well done Blaine.

“Ready to meet Donald?” Kurt asks me.

I look at my watch and see that we should probably get going. “No,” I answer truthfully, “but I guess we’re going anyway.”

“It will be fine.” Kurt reassure me. “We only have to say Hello if you want to and then we can leave again. But for your mom’s sake you have to go. It means a lot to her.”

We get up from the couch, leave the apartment and walk out to my car. I can’t stop thinking about Kurt dating this guy. I wonder if there is a way I can talk him out of it. I want to be his supportive best friend, but I also want to be the guy that he dates.

“Are you really going to go on a date with this Oliver if he’s interested?” I ask because I have to know.

“I think so. I mean, I told you I wanted to date someone before we move to New York and I don’t count on there being a number of opportunities for me to choose from. He looks good, and he’s Sam’s cousin so how bad can it be?” Kurt says and I think he’s smiling but it’s too dark to tell. “Why? Don’t you think I should?”

I stop and turn to him. “I just want you to be sure that this is what you really want, not just something that you think you should do.”

Kurt stops as well and give me a peculiar look, like he’s trying to figure out something. “I want to do it.”

“Okay.” I say and start walking again.

“Wait, you don’t think I should.” It’s not so much a question this time.

Here’s my chance to tell him. To put it all out there.

But I don’t. I don’t have the courage to tell him yet, not when he is so excited about this possible date. I put my own feelings aside for the sake of Kurt’s. He really wants to do this, and I wouldn’t be his best friend if I didn’t support him on this. 

I just hope that the date really sucks.

“Of course you should.” I say and ignore the queasy feeling in my stomach. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Kurt walks up to me. “Good, because if this happens I’m going to be really nervous and I’m going to need you to calm me down and reassure me that everything will be fine.”

“That I can do.” I say and smile at him. I will always do anything to help him, no matter what. Although I wish it didn’t have to be this.

Kurt hugs me and whispers a ‘Thank you’ before he lets go and we get into my car and drive to the diner.

The diner lays in the outskirts of Lima, close to the highway. Close by there is a motel and a gas station with a small store that sells mainly beverages and snacks. Perfect for people making a quick stop on their way to somewhere else.

I turn of the ignition, but remain seated in the car with my hands on the steering wheel staring out the window at the diner in front of us. I shouldn’t be this nervous about meeting a guy my mom is dating. But it feels like it’s a turning point somehow. I’m hoping it is. Maybe we can finally put all bad things behind us and move forward.

“Ready?” Kurt asks.

I think about it for a second before I answer. “Yes, I’m ready.”

“Do you still want me to come with? I could just stay here in the car if you want to do this alone.”

“No, no, I need you with me Kurt.” 

“Okay, let’s go then.”

I don’t have to explain myself, Kurt gets me. He gets why I need him with me. Sometimes I think about what would happen if we become boyfriends, but then for some reason break up. Would we still remain friends? Would we be able to see past the things that broke us up and go back to being friends? Or would we destroy what we have now? Am I willing to risk that? Then I think that if Kurt was my boyfriend there would be very few things that would make me want to break up with him. And then I think that this trail of thoughts is purely hypothetical and maybe not even realistic and that I should worry about more realistic things. Like meeting Donald.

Once inside the diner I immediately spot my mom behind the counter. It seems to be a slow evening so far. There are only a few truck drivers sitting in the booths, eating their greasy dinners or drinking coffee before they head out on the road again or check in to the motel next doors. 

My mom is smiling and talking to one of her customers that is sitting by the counter while she’s cleaning it with a wet rag. She looks happy, her eyes sparkle in a way I haven’t seen in a very long time. I assume that the man is Donald. I put on my brave face and walk over to where they are talking.

“Blaine,” my mom says when she see me, “come here sweetheart there’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

I take the final steps towards them and at the same time Donald turn around to face me. Kurt is right behind me and I feel his support.

“Blaine, this is Donald who I told you about. Donald, this is my son Blaine.”

“Hi Blaine, nice to meet you.” Donald say and I shake his outstretched hand.

“You too.” I say and sit down on the empty bar stool next to him.

“Hi Kurt.” My mom says and kisses Kurt on the cheek.

“Good to see you Pam.” Kurt says as if he didn’t see her just a few hours ago. He starts complementing her outfit, which is a fairly standard diner outfit in mint and white, and they dive into a conversation about fashion improvements that can be made to make the outfit more chic. 

Donald laughs and joins in the conversation. This gives me an opportunity to check him out. He seems older than my mom, not that that needs to be a bad thing but it still rings a warning bell. He appears a little nervous, but so am I and so is my mom, but I think it’s only because we all want this to go well. I’m so grateful that I brought Kurt because soon he has us all involved in conversation and when things seems to become a little awkward Kurt is there to steer us all back on track again by finding a new topic to discuss. 

It’s unexpected having Kurt being the one to lead the conversation, he’s normally not the one to do that. He’s usually stays in the background, too shy around strangers to indulge in conversations. But not tonight. Tonight it’s like he gets that I’m too nervous to do this, to keep a conversation going, so he steps up to the plate. I am so, so grateful for his friendship right now that I could just to kiss him. Not because I want to kiss him, but because he’s the best.

We don’t stay that long, but when we leave about 30 minutes later I have learned that Donald is divorced with two grown up daughters and three grandchildren. His daughters live out of state so he doesn't see them as often as he would have liked to. I have learned that a small smile forms on his lips whenever he looks at my mom (and he does that a lot). His hobbies are football and hunting (he invited me to join him go hunting one day, but I kindly declined that offer because I can’t picture myself with a gun). I have told him about moving to New York and my dreams of recording and performing my own music.

I have to agree with my mom. It seems he’s nothing like the guys she’s dated before. He is different, in a good way. I feel a lot more relaxed when we leave the diner.

My mom walks us out.

“What do you think?” she asks anxiously when the door to the diner closes behind us. The summer evening breeze, that seems to be picking up, catches her white apron, making it flutter in the wind.

“He seems nice mom.” I answer and she visibly relaxes.

“He does, doesn’t he? I’m so glad you think that.” She says and hugs me. I hug her back and I feel genuinely happy for her. “What do you say Kurt?” She asks when she break away from the hug.

“I think that he really likes you Pam.” Kurt says in that honest way that Kurt always talks. “The way he looked at you, and talked about you, I would say he’s quite smitten already.”

“Oh, stop it.” Mom says and blushes but I can tell that she is thrilled that Kurt has noticed these details. “Okay, I better get back inside. Drive carefully you two. And don’t stay up too late.”

I hug her one more time, before she goes back inside, and then I slide my arm through Kurt’s and we walk back to my car.

“Thank you for coming with me tonight. You made everything easier for all of us.” You always make everything better.

“You would have done the same for me.”

And isn’t that the truest thing he’s said today.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I'll give you three chapters. They're actually only one but a change of narrator was needed in the middle so it ended up being three instead.  
> I would like to give a big thank you to roxymusicandlayers who so kindly offered to beta my story. English isn't my first language so there have been some typos and grammar mistakes in the story due to my shortcomings. From now on, thanks to her, there will be a lot less of that!  
> Again, thanks for your comments! Love reading them :)

**Kurt, Friday June 25th, 8.55 pm**

It’s Friday night and I’m at this place called _The Vibe_ with Quinn, Tina and Mike. We’re waiting for Sam and Blaine to get up on stage to perform. Puck is not here and I don’t know if he’s avoiding me or if he actually had other things to do. I’m relieved that I don’t have to face him so I’m not spending any energy figuring out which one it is. I want to have fun and enjoy my friends up on that stage tonight. I know that I have to talk to him, sooner rather than later, but I feel as though he should come to me. I can’t convince him or force him to approve of who I am. He has to accept me for me, and if he doesn’t I think it’s better if I don’t spend time with him.

We’re sitting outside, and it’s another one of those warm summer nights with temperatures above 75 even though the sun is setting, that we’ve been spoiled with lately. They’re rare but it seems to be that kind of summer this year. The sky is glowing in orange and there’s not a single cloud up there. The atmosphere at this place can best be described as cozy. Candles are being lit on all the tables and the air is vibrating somehow, both from the steady clatter of voices and laughter, and from anticipation. Or maybe that’s just me.

There’s quite a turn out tonight. If they’re here for the music or just because it’s a cool place, I don’t know, but I’m happy for Blaine and Sam. Tina and I are driving, but Quinn and Mike have somehow managed to get a hold of a bottle of beer each. I don’t even want to know how, but I’m guessing it involves fake ID’s. 

Five minutes past nine they enter the stage with their guitars. It’s an acoustic set-up and they sound great. I’m not just stating that because they’re my friends, it seems to be the common opinion judging from the reception they get from the rest of the audience. Our table, of course, cheers the loudest and longest after each song, but we don’t care. They’re great and we couldn’t be prouder.

Blaine is glowing along with the sky, that excited smile never leaving his face. I might be biased, but he is the most beautiful person in the entire establishment. He’s in his element, this is what he was born to do and he looks blissfully happy, like a kid who found the world’s largest bag of sweets. It’s a pleasure to watch him and I feel like a proud mother. I can’t wait for the rest of the world to discover him and standby him as he makes his journey to stardom. Maybe this here tonight is where it all starts. I get chills just thinking about it. 

Okay, maybe I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, but you never know right. I take out my phone to document this moment, just in case. I’ll save it for one of the scrapbooks I will make him when he’s famous to remember how it all started.

Just when I’m about to shut of my phone, I see that I have a new friend request on Facebook. I should ignore it, but I think I know who it’s from and I have to admit I’m a little excited about it. I accept the request, and shortly after I get my first private message from Oliver. 

**Oliver  
There’s this handsome guy in Columbus who heard about this cute boy in Lima. Now he’s sort of curious as to whether this boy is interested to meet up.**

I smile at the message. It’s an inventive way to start a conversation and I like it. And he thinks I’m cute.

**Kurt  
There’s this cute boy in Lima who wants to let this handsome guy in Columbus know that he is indeed very interested.**

**Oliver  
I actually do think you look really cute on your profile pic.**

**Kurt  
Thank you, you look kind of cute too**

**Oliver  
Kind of? I don’t know how I feel about that…**

Of course I would say something stupid like that. He’s not kind of cute. He’s very cute.

**Kurt  
Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You look very good**

**Oliver  
I’m only kidding with you, relax Kurt.**

I’m not good at this. I’m too nervous. He contacted me, he wants to talk to me, I have to remember that.

**Oliver  
My pic is almost a year old btw. I’m gonna take a new selfie and send it to u so u know the present me**

**Oliver  
I hope you won’t be disappointed :)** 

**Oliver  
That totally sounded like I’ve had reconstructed surgery and completely changed the way I look. That’s not the case, by the way.**

I’m starting to relax a little. This is fun. Oliver seems like fun. I’ve never flirted with anyone via texts before, and obviously I’m not very good at it, but I like it. My phone buzzes with a new message and I wait for the picture to download. It’s a goofy picture of him making a silly face. I laugh a little to myself, Oliver seems to be a funny guy. 

**Oliver  
Sorry about that one (not really), here’s me.**

Another picture is sent to me and this time I get a picture of him smiling into the camera. It looks like he’s laying on a brown leather couch with a purple throw pillow under his head. His hair is a little bit shorter than his profile picture. He has a tan, but the smile and the blue eyes are the same. The last year has treated him well looks wise.

“What are you doing?” Quinn whispers in my ear and remember that I’m supposed to be watching my friends perform instead of staring down at the picture of a sort of unknown guy on my phone.

“Uhm, nothing.” I say, quickly pocketing my phone. I’m not sure why I don’t want Quinn to see his picture, but I just want to keep this to myself for a little while. I look up at the stage and see that Blaine is looking at me with a small frown. It’s so small that I’m probably the only one who notices it, and that’s only because I have Blaine’s every facial expression imprinted in my mind. I smile at him and the frown disappears.

I really should be getting over this crush I have on Blaine. Nothing is ever going to happen. My mind knows that but my heart doesn’t and keeps a spot in the back dedicated to Blaine. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a crush, this thing that I’m feeling. It’s a full-blown love thing. Alas one sided and unrequited, but still it’s love and even though it doesn’t seem to be over anytime soon I have to try or it will be the undoing of my heart.

My phone keeps vibrating in my pocket and even though I should be focusing on Blaine and Sam, I want to keep texting with Oliver. This is my chance to meet someone I could potentially like. Even if it doesn’t turn into anything serious, I’ve actually never talked to anyone who is gay and I could learn from his experiences. Maybe it’s naive of me to think that, but no matter how supportive my friends are, they don’t know what it’s like to come out to yourself as gay and to the people that you care about. They don’t know the anguish, the desire to not be different or the relief of finally making sense of all those thoughts that have been poking at your brain but you’ve suppressed for the fear of what they meant. 

But Oliver’s been through that. He knows, and I’m excited about meeting someone like me. So I slide out the phone from my pocket again, but this time I try to keep it hidden under the table.

**Oliver  
What do you think?**

**Oliver  
Okay, no reply. I get it.**

**Oliver  
Sorry if my picture disappointed you**

**Oliver  
I shouldn’t have sent that first one right? Now you’re thinking that I’m not serious, which I am.**

**Oliver  
I’m just gonna stop now before I embarrass myself.**

I quickly type out a message because I don’t want him to think that I was discouraged by his photo, when I actually thought it was funny, and I don’t want to stop doing this.

**Kurt  
No don’t stop and don’t be sorry. I was interrupted by my friend, didn’t mean to let you think that I didn’t like what I saw. The present you looks just as good as the you from one year ago, if not better ;)**

**Oliver  
*phew* You had me worried**

**Kurt  
Sorry, won’t happen again. I like texting with you.**

**Oliver  
Me too. I like texting with you I mean, I don’t like texting with myself**

**Kurt  
Yeah I noticed that, you got kinda desperate when I left you alone there for five minutes**

**Oliver  
You’re funny. I like that. So would you like to meet sometime? Sam said that you might be interested…**

**Kurt  
Definitely!**

**Kurt  
God, I hope that didn’t sound too desperate. It’s just I’ve never met someone like me, so I might be a little excited**

**Oliver  
Hahaha, don’t worry. I get it, there’s not a lot of people like you and me in Ohio**

**Kurt  
I wouldn’t know about that. I just came out… I hope that doesn’t freak you out**

I don’t know this guy but I still feel comfortable with telling him this, which is unlike me. Maybe it’s easy because it’s only texting and not actually telling someone face to face.

**Oliver  
It doesn’t. I remember what that was like.**

**Kurt  
How long have you been out? If that’s not too personal**

**Oliver  
It’s not. I came out when I was 16, but I’ve known since I was 14**

**Kurt  
I just figured out who I am. I didn’t know a year ago, I mean I had a girlfriend before but I that obviously wasn’t right for me.**

There is a pause when there is no reply from Oliver and I think I might have scared him off. Maybe he’s not interested in meeting someone as fresh as me? Maybe he’s discouraged by the fact that I had a girlfriend? Maybe I’m not gay enough for him.

**Kurt  
Sorry if that was too much information you didn’t want to know**

**Oliver  
No, it wasn’t. Was just thinking… Have you been on a date with a guy before?**

Oh. Okay, maybe that’s the part that will scare him away…

**Kurt  
No**

**Oliver  
Okay**

**Kurt  
Okay?**

**Oliver  
Okay**

**Kurt  
Wrong answer?**

There is a long paus, radio silence again. I wait and look up at the stage again. Blaine is looking at me again with that small, invisible to anyone but me, frown. I feel like a shitty friend for not paying attention to their performance. Especially when it appears to have been in vain. Oliver doesn’t seem that interested in meeting up with a newly out gay guy who hasn’t dated before. I put away my phone and decide to focus my attention where it should have been all along.

I look around at the audience and they all seem to like what they see and hear. Almost everybody here is focused on the stage, there isn’t much talking going on amongst the group of friends and couples that are in the club. They’re all listening to the music, singing along or just sitting and smiling.

My phone buzzes again. I’m tempted to ignore it. I don’t need to be more discouraged tonight. But my curiosity gets the better of me.

**Oliver  
I wouldn’t say wrong, just not what I expected. But it doesn’t bother me. I still want to meet u.**

I relax a little bit. He still wants to meet me, I haven’t scared him away. I remember that Oliver lives in Columbus and I am in Columbus now. Maybe he wants to come out and meet me tonight. It would feel safe with all of my friends around me. I send a message before I have a chance to second guess this.

**Kurt  
I’m actually in Columbus right now. Do you want to meet up?**

**Oliver  
I would really like that, but I’m out of town tonight. Wtf…**

**Kurt  
Too bad. Not to sound desperate, but I’m free like every night next week.**

**Oliver  
Well I have to work on weekdays, but maybe next Friday?**

**Kurt  
It’s a date!**

Oh shit! What did I just write? Maybe he doesn’t see it as a date. Maybe he just wants to meet and get to know a new friend. Sometimes I feel my inexperience shine through a little too much.

**Kurt  
Or not. Whichever is cool.**

**Oliver  
It’s a date Kurt **

I smile and mentally high five myself. I have a date! With a guy!

**Kurt  
Cool!**

**Oliver  
Let’s keep in touch and decide on the details later.**

**Oliver  
I’m really looking forward to this Kurt**

**Kurt  
Me too**

I put away my phone again. This time for good. I feel happy and giddy. I have a date! I bounce on my chair, but immediately stop when Quinn glares at me.

“What’s up with you? You’re actin’ all weird. What’s so important on your phone?” She whispers. Not loud enough for Tina and Mike to hear her, but loud enough so that I hear her above the music.

“I have a date!” I beam at her.

“Whit a guy?” she whispers.

“Yes!” I squeak quietly.

“Yay!” Quinn says excitedly and gives me a high five under the table.

I then realize that Blaine and Sam have left the stage and that I have missed nearly half of their performance. I should feel bad, but I’m too excited.

There’s still music playing, but now the music coming through the loudspeakers is from some random playlist. People around us are going back to their conversations again and the music mixes with loud voices and laughter.

“They were good, weren’t they?” Mike says.

“They were great!” Tina fills in.

“But we already knew they were great.” Quinn smiles.

Now I feel more than a little bad for missing so much of their performance. Sam and Blaine comes towards us from somewhere backstage. They look happy. And sweaty.

“That was so cool!” Sam says and sits down next to Mike. Blaine sit down in the empty chair next to me.

“You owned that stage!” Mike says and fist bumps Sam.

“Yeah, you were great.” Tina repeats.

“What do you think?” Blaine asks me a little accusatory (does his breath smell like alcohol?) and I know that he has seen me immersed in my phone.

“I agree with Mike and Tina” I say. “You sounded really good.”

Blaine gives me an odd look, but I look away trying to ignore the gnawing feeling in my chest that I did something wrong. Luckily we are interrupted by Sam’s uncle’s friend who owns the club. He approaches us with a tray full of beer bottles.

“Guys! Wow! You definitely didn’t disappoint me tonight. You made me happy I took a chance on you two.” Sam’s uncle’s friend says (I don’t know his name). He puts down the tray on the table. “I might lose my license over this, but you deserve it. Just keep it down, okay?”

“Okay, we promise.” Sam says. “Thanks Tom.”

“No, thank you.” Tom says. “If you keep it up like this were going to have to start sell tickets soon.”

As Tom moves away, Blaine and Sam quickly grabs a bottle of beer each and downs them in what looks like one gulp, and then start on the next one.

“Take it easy.” I tell Blaine over the loud music.

“I think I deserve it.” Blaine answers. “Did we bore you?” He takes another swig at the beer bottle.

“What? No! Why would you think that? You were everything but boring. You were amazing Blaine.”

“You seemed very interested in your phone.” Blaine sounds hurt.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” I say. “Oliver messaged me.”

“Who?” Blaine asks.

“Oliver, Sam’s cousin. My date next Friday.”

“Date…? Really?” He says with that invisible frown again.

This time it’s my turn to give him an odd look. Why does he sound so annoyed?

“Let me see.” Blaine says and snatches the phone from my pocket, which is such an odd thing for him to do, so I’m not fast enough in my reactions to stop him.

“Blaine, don’t…” I say because he’s not being himself and I don’t want him to read my private messages when he’s clearly bothered by something. But Blaine doesn’t care. He empties his second bottle while scrolling through our conversation and begin on a third. I’ve never seen him drink like this before.

“Huh, what a douche.” He drinks a little more.

“Why would you say that?” I ask feeling hurt and take back my phone.

“He’s clearly not good enough for you. He can’t even handle you being just out.” Another swig.

“Blaine, stop…” I don’t know what’s gotten into him.

But Blaine doesn’t stop, he keeps going. “He wants someone more experienced. He doesn’t even want to meet you tonight while you’re in his city.”

He’s being really hurtful now, not that he notices it himself. He puts down a third empty bottle and starts on a fourth. He’s definitely out to get wasted, and I’d say he’s well on his way to accomplish that.

“Take it easy.” I tell him again and try to take away his bottle, but he holds it away from me. “He’s not even in town tonight. Why are you like this?”

“What? I’m only looking out for you Kurt. I don’t want you getting your hopes up only to have some loser guy crush them.”

“Well, thanks for trusting my judgement on that!” I’m beginning to get pissed off at him. He’s not looking out for me, and I have no clue why he’s acting the way he is – getting drunk and being mean.

He finishes his forth bottle way too fast and aims for a fifth. Seriously, what is with him tonight? This is so unlike him. I have to put a stop to this before he continues to hurt both himself and me.

“Okay, that’s enough.” I yell at him over the music. The others look curiously at us as I raise my voice but I ignore them. “Let’s go for a walk.”

“I don’t want to walk. I want to drink.” Blaine slurs, definitely more than a little tipsy. He must have had something to drink backstage because he wouldn’t get this drunk, this fast from a couple of beers.

“No more. Come on now.” I stand up and drag Blaine to his feet. I need to steady him as he almost trips over his own feet.

“Fine.” Blaine mutters. “But I don’t see why this is necessary.”

I wrap my arm around his, and lead him out of the club.

“What’s up with you?” I ask when we are out on the street, out of earshot. “What’s with the drinking? And what’s with the insults?” 

“Nothing’s up. I just want to have a good time.” Blaine answers, wobbling a little bit.

“Are you?” I raise an eyebrow and look pointedly at him.

“What’s with all the questions Kurt? Let loose a little, have some fun.”

“You think this is fun?”

“You know what would be fun?” Blaine asks, looking suggestively at me.

I’m not sure I’m going to like anything he suggests. “What?”

“If you kiss me.”

Oh, here we go again. “I don’t want to kiss you Blaine, we’ve been through this.”

“Why not? You’re gay, I’m a guy, so you can kiss me.”

Is he making fun of me? It sure feels like it. And that feeling fucking sucks.

“It doesn’t work like that Blaine. Yes I’m gay, that doesn’t mean I want to kiss any guy I see.” I feel like I’m talking to a child.

“But I’m not just any guy, Kurt. I’m your friend. Your supposedly _best_ friend.” Blaine pouts. 

“And that’s exactly why I don’t want to kiss you.”

Even though we are walking, we are still just outside the club. Blaine isn’t moving very fast when he’s drunk. Suddenly he pushes me up against a wall.

“Kiss me Kurt.”

I want to, so bad, but definitely not like this. “Stop it, Blaine. You are making me uncomfortable.”

“Why won’t you kiss me? Am I not _cute_ enough for you?” Blaine says emphasizing the word cute to mimic the conversation between me and Oliver.

I push him away from me, which isn’t very hard, seeming how drunk he is. He almost falls backward but I catch him before he does so. Our eyes meet, his gaze is fuzzy but he still somehow manages to hold my gaze. I tilt my head slightly, trying to figure him out.

“Why do you want to kiss _me_?” I ask him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's welcome Quinn to the story!

**Quinn, Friday, June 25th, 11.07 pm**

Something is off with Blaine. He doesn’t drink like that and he doesn’t get drunk like that. I know Kurt is dealing with him, but I’m not sure Kurt can handle a drunk Blaine alone.

“I’m gonna go check on Kurt and Blaine.” I tell the others.

“I’m sure Kurt got it under control.” Sam says. “Stay with us.”

 _Stay with me_ is what he’s actually saying. I know he doesn’t want to be left alone with Mike and Tina. Pretty soon they will be in each other’s face and won’t care about anything or anyone else.

“I’ll be right back.” I promise Sam and wrap my arms around him from behind to give him a quick hug before I leave.

I step out onto the street and look around, wondering which way they went. I don’t have to wonder for long, I see them just a little to my left. Kurt is standing against a wall and Blaine is leaning in very close to him. Then Kurt pushes Blaine away and he nearly falls backwards but Kurt catches him again. I run over to where they are.

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

They both look up at me at the same time. Blaine is definitely drunk and can’t focus his vision. Kurt looks a little shaken.

“I think I need to get him home.” Kurt says. “Can you help me get him to my car?”

“No, I don’t want to go home. I want to drink and make music and laugh.” Blaine drunk giggles.

“I think you’ve had enough beers for tonight babe.” I tell him. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

“Do you know Kurt’s got a date?” Blaine says in a way that makes it sound like it’s a revelation. “Isn’t that just awesome? Our baby Kurt is growing up and wants to go out and play with the big boys. We’re not good enough for him anymore Quinnie.”

Kurt is quiet, but he rolls his eyes and slowly shakes his head. I can see him take calming breaths and bite his tongue to not say something. I think he’s hurt by Blaine’s words.

Blaine sounds sort of jealous, mocking him like that, which is a wild thought. “I think you should maybe not talk right now.” I say to him.

“You know what we _should_ talk about?” Blaine asks, but doesn’t wait for me to answer. “That Kurt doesn’t want to kiss me. He claims to be gay but-”

“Enough Blaine!” Kurt barks out in a sudden burst of anger. “Just shut up!” Then he adds in a calmer voice, “Let’s just go home.”

Blaine doesn’t say anything after that. He lets himself be led to the car by Kurt and me. I don’t say anything either because somethings is obviously going on that I’m not aware of. Blaine falls asleep the second we lay him in the backseat. 

“You don’t have to go home now, you can stay and hang out with the others. It’s not every night you get free beer at a bar. Go have fun.” Kurt says when I get into the passenger seat next to him.

“I’m not leaving you alone with him now Kurt, not after whatever that was.” I say and text Sam, Mike & Tina to let them know that we’re taking Blaine home.

Kurt’s quiet.

He’s got an air around him that makes you want to back off and leave him alone. But that’s not me. “What was that exactly?”

Kurt sighs but stays silent for a while. I guess he’s contemplating whether or not he should tell me. He looks tired and upset. Or maybe more dejected than upset.

“Blaine has this idea that he wants to know what it’s like to kiss a guy.” Kurt pauses before he continues. He shifts in his seat, and I can tell how uncomfortable this is making him. “Since he found out I’m gay he wants to kiss me. Or for me to kiss him. I don’t even know if there’s a difference… I think he wants me to be grateful for his offer.” Kurt shakes his head in what can only be disbelief.

“Okay… that’s a little…”

“Weird.” Kurt fills in.

“Yes, that, and also a tad bit unexpected.” To say the least. “Do you want to kiss him?” I have to ask because I could see Kurt falling for Blaine, it wouldn’t be the craziest idea.

“No!” Kurt answers quickly. “This is just something he has gotten into his head, a fixation. He doesn’t really want to kiss me. He’s just curious I guess. Something he wants to do just because. If that makes any sense…”

I look back at the sleeping Blaine. It doesn’t make any sense and it doesn’t sound like him to be honest. Trying to kiss Kurt just for the fun of it. That would sort of mess with their friendship, and their friendship means everything to Blaine. 

Unless there is something more to it…

“You don’t think that he like… likes you?” It’s another wild thought but this night is being kind of wild.

I haven’t seen anyone looking as perplexed as Kurt is looking then and there.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you think Blaine has feelings for you, you know romantic feelings,” I spell it out for him, “and that’s the reason he wants to kiss you.”

“No!” Kurt says like the idea of Blaine liking him is outrageous. “No, he’s just drunk. You know him. He’s as straight as it gets. You know the number of girlfriends he’s had.”

I do know, but somehow I don’t quite believe that’s all there is to it…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody needed to bring attention to the real issue, right? ;)  
> Did you like this, someone else's POV?


	12. Chapter 12

**Kurt, Saturday June 26th, 1.24 am**

”Are you taking him back to his place?” Quinn asks.

“I think I’ll just take him home to me. His mom’s working and I don’t want to leave him alone like this.” 

“Okay. Call me tomorrow and let me know how he feels.” Quinn says as she steps out of the car. I’m dropping her of at her house before I drive home. I see Puck’s car in the driveway and it makes me happy that she doesn’t have to spend the night alone in that big house.

“I will. Please don’t tell anyone about this whole him-wanting-to-kiss-me thing. I don’t think he wants anyone to know about that.” I say. Also I don’t want anyone to know about it. I shouldn’t have told her about it, I feel guilty about it now. It isn’t my place to tell her but I don’t think she would have accepted anything but the truth. She would have called bullshit if I tried.

“I won’t, and even if I’d want to, you know about me and Puck which I don’t want anyone to know yet, so I’d be stupid to tell anyone.” Quinn answers. 

“Say hi to Puck.” I say and she smiles at me.

“I will. He’ll come around soon, you know.” Quinn answers and I give her a brief smile because I don’t know if he will.

She shuts the door and I drive away after I have made sure she’s made it safely inside her house.

When we arrive home, I turn around to look at Blaine. He is still asleep, or more like passed out, in the backseat. I sigh because I have to somehow drag him into my house and I don’t know how cooperative he will be. I get out of the car and open the door next to Blaine’s head. I shake him lightly trying to get him to wake up.

“Blaine?” I say softly. There’s no response from him so I have to shake him more roughly. “Blaine!”

He stirs, blinks a few times before he opens his eyes. “Huh?”

“Blaine, we’re home, come on let’s get inside.”

“There’s two of you Kurt.” Blaine blinks up at me and I can see that he’s having a hard time focusing. “You both look so pretty.”

“You’re drunk Blaine, come on now.” I say impatiently because I really just to want to get him inside so that I can go to sleep and forget all about this night.

Blaine sits up slowly. “The world is spinning Kurt. I feel sick.”

“I know, but if you just get-“

I’m cut off when Blaine rushes out of the car, past me, and throws up in the bushes by our driveway. I walk over to him and rub small circles across his back as he empties his stomach several times. I don’t know if it helps, but it’s what they do in the movies when someone throws up so I hope it’s the right thing to do. I’ve never been with anyone who’s thrown up before, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

When nothing more is coming up, Blaine kneels to the ground. He’s exhausted and tired and he looks as if he might fall asleep on the spot.

“No, no, no, don’t fall asleep here. Let me help you inside.” I say and gather up all the strength I have to get him up on his feet. He might be short, but without any sort of cooperativeness, he’s quite heavy to drag to his feet and then inside. 

We use my own entrance to the basement so that we don’t wake up my dad (maybe not a wise decision as he almost falls down the stairs), and once inside I manage to drag him over to my couch.

“Lay down here.” I tell him. “I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket.”

“No, I want to sleep in your bed.” Blaine says and sits up again. He stands up and wobbles over to my bed. Of course he manages to trip on his own feet and falls head first on my bed. “Mmm” Blaine says once he has crawled up to my pillow.

Okay, great, I guess Blaine is sleeping in my bed tonight. I’m exhausted and I don’t think that I have enough strength to convince him to go back to the couch, even less to carry him back there.

“Kurt? Come here.” Blaine says in an almost sleeping voice.

I walk over to stand next to him by the bed. 

“Lay here beside me, I want to cuddle you again.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Blaine.”

“Why not?” Blaine says and tries to drag me down onto the bed.

But he’s not really that coordinated in the state that he is in, so he misses me and I can easily take a step backwards so that I am out of his reach. “One, you’re drunk. And two, cuddle, Blaine? Really?”

“You suck.” Blaine is hurt. Or at least that what I think he is, it’s kind of hard to tell in his state. 

His words are the final straw for me. I don’t care if he’s hurt because he’s the one being hurtful to me. “Yeah, well you suck too. What the hell was going on with you tonight? Kisses and cuddles? What the hell Blaine? I didn’t picture you as the one making fun of me because I’m gay. _That_ fucking sucks Blaine!”

I turn away from him, because I can’t stand to look at him right now. As if on autopilot, I walk over to my closet to fetch a pillow and cover for him, not really knowing why I care about those things now. Blaine isn’t saying anything. There’s no snarky remark or witty comeback, or even an apology. When I turn back around, pillow and cover bundled up in my arms, I see him lying there with his eyes closed. He’s sleeping.

Great! Just fucking great! I’m so pissed at him right now that I don’t even know what to do with him. Well, obviously nothing since he’s already sleeping. God I hate him so much that I want to cry from just all of it. I just want this night to be over.

I drop the things in my arms on the floor where I’m standing and then quickly escape to the bathroom. Tears from anger and confusion boils up and spill over as I brush my teeth. I’m so upset I can’t even think straight. Why would he make fun of me like this? I grip the edges of the sink as I spit out my toothpaste and watch it mix with my tears before it slowly slide down the drain. 

I take a few calming breaths and look up into the mirror above the sink. It’s not a pretty sight, the person that looks back at me. Red, puffy eyes with an empty stare, toothpaste all around my mouth, red, tear stained cheeks and a hair that has lost all of its former height and volume. It makes me let out a short laugh. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more unattractive, not only because of the way I look but because of everything. Because of Blaine. Because of this night.

When I go back out there I’m marginally calmer, calm enough to pick the pillow and cover from the floor and throw it at the couch and pull the blanket by the end of the bed up over Blaine’s sleeping figure. I should probably undress him, but that feels weird and like a favor I don’t owe him, so I let him sleep with his clothes on. I put on my own pajama and lay down on the couch.

I force myself to calm down and relax. This night has been so weird. Blaine behaved so childishly and immaturely. Sure he was drunk, but that doesn’t really excuse anything. Sure he’s said I could kiss him before, but tonight it was different somehow. He was so persistent and he even said it in front of Quinn. It’s not that he wants to kiss just any guy. He wants to kiss _me_. 

He also said he wants to cuddle me again. _Again_. I never told him about the morning he was cuddling me in his sleep. I know he was sleeping when I woke up and jumped out of bed that morning. Does this mean him holding me was a conscious decision from his side? 

Then there is this thing where he doesn't want me to date Oliver. He told me that Oliver isn’t good enough for me and that he is only looking out for me. He’s never even met Oliver, how can you judge that from a text message? Come to think of it, he has been acting weird about my possible date with Oliver ever since I first brought it up.

It’s like piecing together a puzzle, and when I put all of the pieces together like this, I can only come up with one complete picture. What if Quinn was right?

I shake my head. There is no way she’s right about this. He was drunk, that was all there was to it. Blaine isn’t gay. He doesn’t like me like that. End of story.

Still there are butterflies stirring awake in my belly.

I close my eyes and try not to think about it. But it doesn’t matter how tired I was before. Sleep isn’t in the cards for me right now. There’s no way I cannot not think about it. My heart is pounding so hard, it feels like it might break through my ribcage. But why? Blaine would have told me if he liked me. He would have. 

Wouldn’t he?

One things is sure though; Blaine was right. This couch is extremely uncomfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we say that the wheels have been set in motion?


	13. Chapter 13

**Blaine, Friday July 1st, 6.01 pm**

“Which one?” Kurt asks me and holds up a teal shirt with some pattern that I don’t know the name of and a plain green shirt.

He’s standing in front of his mirror wearing only a pair of ridiculously tight black jeans. It gives me the perfect opportunity to let my eyes linger on the flawless skin on his back and his amazing ass without him noticing it. The sight makes a flare of want rise within me. A desire to touch him and wrap my arms around him. To hold him and not let him go - especially not on this stupid date.

I force myself to close my eyes for a moment because no matter how amazing Kurt’s body is, and no matter how much I want it to be mine, it’s beside the point at this time. I’m here to help him get ready. A queasy feeling is pooling in my belly just thinking about Kurt with Oliver. But after what happened last weekend, I’m determined to put all of my own feelings aside and play the supportive best friend for a while. No matter how much it sucks. No matter how much I wish things were different between us.

“The blue one.” I say. “It matches your eyes.” Also unnamable patterns is more Kurt than a simple, plain shirt. I wasn’t even aware he owned a shirt without patterns.

“I think I like the emerald one better.” Kurt answers and holds it up in front of him. He nods approvingly to himself and hangs back the blue one in his closet.

You could say things have been strained between Kurt and me after what happened last Friday. The problem is that I don’t remember everything that happened… From the way Kurt’s been different around me, it’s obvious something did happen.

When I woke up that Saturday I was in Kurt’s bed. The pillow and cover on the couch told me that Kurt had been sleeping there. It made me feel embarrassed thinking about how drunk I got and how Kurt must have sacrificed sleeping in his own bed for my sake. I stayed down in the basement, hoping Kurt would come down and talk to me. He never did so finally I had to give in and drag myself upstairs where I knew I would have to face both Kurt and Burt. Burt was upset with me, Kurt must have told him about the night before. I got a well-deserved lecture about underage drinking, but at the time it felt like the right thing to do. 

I was so frustrated at Kurt for typing on his phone almost the entire time we were performing. He was barely paying us any attention at all, and I really wanted him to see me and to be proud of me. But he couldn’t care less about us, apparently whatever was on his phone was more interesting. When I found out that he was texting with Oliver something inside me snapped. 

I felt jealous. I can admit to myself that’s what I felt. I wanted to be the one Kurt was excited about texting and dating, but I’m too much of a coward to tell him that. I didn’t like feeling all those feelings. I didn’t want to feel anything. Drowning them in alcohol felt like a good idea.

I remember being mean about Oliver. I felt as if he was stealing Kurt from me even though they’ve never met and Kurt isn’t mine. I remember wanting to kiss Kurt. After that it’s blank.

The next thing I remember is waking up in his bed the next morning. I have no clue of what I said or did to upset Kurt (as if what I remember isn’t bad enough), but it’s obvious it was something less than good. Kurt has been standoffish ever since. 

Waking up the next morning, not remembering much from the night before, was awkward. I could tell immediately that something did happen because Kurt was not himself. He was upset and kept snapping at me. I tried to ask him what happened, but he just said that I got drunk and he took me home to sleep it off. But something was different. He was acting different towards me.

_What if I kissed him? What if he kissed me back? What if he didn’t like it? What if I told him that I’m in love with him?_

I’ve kept thinking about this the entire week. But Kurt would have told me if I did something like that, wouldn’t he? He would have held me accountable for it. He would have questioned me about it. But he hasn’t said a word, which is not like him because he usually calls me out when I do something stupid. He’s just been kind of avoiding me this week. And I him, because knowing that you did something bad but not knowing why makes me retreat to my own space.

I lasted until Wednesday before I reached out to him. I can’t stand not talking to him. But we still haven’t talked about what happened last Friday. I don’t want to bring it up because I know I messed up somehow, and Kurt hasn’t brought it up either. So now we are doing this weird dance around each other where we pretend that everything is alright - which it obviously isn’t.

Kurt doesn’t trust me, not when it comes to me being honest about his date with Oliver. He said he wanted me to come over before his date, but it feels like he really doesn’t want me here. And evidently he doesn’t want my advice on what to wear. I can’t blame him really if he doesn’t trust me. I wasn’t very nice about Oliver. 

I hate the tension between us. Hate not knowing why. Hate how it affects us. But I’m not going to get discouraged by it. I can’t live in my own space without him. I’m not giving up on trying to restore our friendship to what it was before though, I will never give up on that. Having Kurt in my life is the only thing that matters to me.

“Do you think I should wear my black skinny tie or not?” Kurt asks me after he has buttoned his shirt.

“Maybe it’s a bit too formal?” I say. “I don’t really know what look you are going for on this date.”

“I think I’ll take the tie. It’s dinner and a movie, and I think the tie will be a nice touch.”

“Why do you ask me, if you’re not taking my advice?” I ask feeling dejected. “Did I do something? Are you mad at me?”

“No, of course not.” Kurt answers. “Have you given me a reason to be mad at you?”

Here we go again, just beating around the bush. But how can I fix this if I don’t know what I did? And Kurt isn’t telling me, for whatever reason. Sometimes it feels like he’s testing me and I never know what the right answer is.

“I hope not.” I say and lay down on his bed.

Kurt is still standing in front of his mirror, adjusting his tie. “Do you think it’s a good idea for me to go on this date? I mean, maybe you were right. Maybe I shouldn’t rush this. Maybe I should just wait until we move to New York and I meet someone there instead of agreeing to this blind date.” 

Kurt has turned around to look at me, but I’m not falling for this one. I’m going to keep up with playing the supportive best friend even though I would like to tell him not to go.

I sit up slightly, leaning on my elbows so that I can look at him. “I think you should go. You know you want to do it. You’re just a little bit nervous, which is okay. I’m sure he’s nervous too. You should definitely go. It will be fun.”

“Okay.” Kurt answers and he sounds disappointed.

I don’t get him. How could that be the wrong answer? It feels like I failed yet another one of his tests. I’m trying my best to support him, show him that I’m his friend, but still it feels like nothing I say or do is right or enough. I sigh and lay down on the bed again. I have to leave soon, to get to Columbus to do sound check before our gig, but I don’t want to. I want to stay here, curled up on his bed until he gets back so that he can tell me all the details of his date. I want us to be that close again, where we tell each other everything. Right now I don’t see that happening. Kurt is mad at me (even though he’s pretending he’s not) and I’m keeping one big secret from him.

“You don’t sound that excited about this.” I say.

“It’s probably just nerves. You’re right about me being nervous about it, but what if he’s a jerk?”

I laugh a little. “Knowing that he’s Sam’s cousin, he probably will be.” Kurt frowns and glares at me, so I quickly add “Seriously, I’m sure he’s a great guy and you’ll have a great time.”

Kurt doesn’t respond to that, instead he turns back to the mirror and begins fixing his hair.

“Will you call me when you get home and tell me about the date?” I ask.

“It will probably be late.” Kurt answers.

“I don’t mind, I’ll probably be up anyway.” When has it ever been a problem for Kurt to give me a late night call?

“Okay, I’ll call you.” Kurt answers but he doesn’t sound as excited about it as I’d wish. He doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Things are so awkward between us. I hate it. 

Luckily, this is the moment Burt decides to come down to give Kurt his pre-date talk. I love Burt’s speeches. They shows you how much he loves you, but I can tell Kurt hates this one. I think he’s uncomfortable with me being here, hearing it. Burt doesn’t seem to notice, and normally it wouldn’t be uncomfortable. God knows how many of these speeches we have sat through with the other one being present. Normally we can just escape Burt when he’s finished and roll our eyes together about Burt’s inability to understand what it’s like to be a teenager today. We both know though, that he’s right in 99% of the time.

“It’s a shame that you made this kid drive all the way to Lima, when you could have caught a ride with Blaine to Columbus and then Blaine could have given you a lift home as well.” Burt says.

“Dad, I can take care of myself.” Kurt says flatly. “Oliver wanted to come here, besides I don’t want Blaine to have to sit and wait for me while I’m on a date. I’m sure he has better things to do.”

They both look at me, but I just shrug. It’s a hypothetical discussion since Oliver is already on his way. Besides it’s clear to me that Kurt doesn’t want me anywhere near his date.

“I think it’s time for me to leave.” I say instead. I get off the bed, fix my beanie and look at Kurt. “Call me when you get home, okay?” Kurt nods in reply. “Relax and have fun, I’m sure you’ll have a good time. You look great by the way.”

I walk over to where he’s standing and straighten his tie for him. He smiles at me. I really want to hug him right now. Whisper in his ear that no matter what I’ll always be here waiting for him. But I don’t. I don’t know if he would want me to hug him. I hate that there’s this thing between us that I can’t even define, but that’s making us not be ourselves.

When I’m out of the house, I get in my car and drive over to Sam’s to pick him up. I keep stuffing my mouth with different chocolate bars, a nervous habit of mine. I love chocolate, and can eat it any time any place. But when I’m feeling down or when something is bothering me, I need chocolate.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asks. He knows me too well.

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, right. Spill it.”

“What’s your cousin like?” I ask.

“Which one?”

I look at him like _isn’t it obvious?_

“Oh, you mean Oliver?” Sam says and I nod. “He’s cool I guess. I don’t see him that much and we don’t have that much in common… he’s gay…”

Sometimes Sam doesn’t make any sense. “You set Kurt up on a date with a guy you barely know? Are you crazy? What if he’s a jerk?” I hear myself echoing Kurt’s words from before.

“Okay, I might not see him that often, but he’s still my cousin, I still see him at every family get together. Oliver and I might not have that much in common but he’s a good guy. He’s not a jerk. Do you really think I would set Kurt up with him if he was?”

I shrug. “I don’t know…”

“You can’t protect Kurt forever Blaine. We’re not twelve anymore. He doesn’t need you to protect him. He can take care of himself. I’m sure if Kurt doesn’t like Oliver, he can handle it.”

“But what if he needs someone and I’m…” I trail off because I know I’m sounding like an overprotecting parent.

“And what? You’re not there? Where you like this when he dated Emily too?”

“No, but this is different. It’s his first date with another guy.”

“How exactly is that different Blaine?” Sam asks.

I can’t really explain that without explaining my feelings for Kurt and I’m not prepared to do that. I don’t talk about feelings - especially not these feelings.

“It just is. He’s just come out and I think if this date goes bad he will maybe be discouraged from dating anytime soon again. Kurt is special. I don’t want him to have any bad experiences.” I try to make it sound like I’m only thinking of his best. Try to not let the queasy feeling in my belly come out as words of my own wariness of how this night might turn out. Don’t know if I’m doing a good job at it.

“He’s a big boy Blaine, I think he can handle it. Relax now and let’s enjoy our gig. According to my uncle we created quite a buzz last week so he expects there to be a larger crowd this week.”

Sam keeps talking about our gig, and how he’s hoping that we can score some ladies afterwards tonight. I tune him out. I can’t stop thinking about Kurt. I wonder what he and Oliver are doing, what they are talking about, if he treats Kurt the way he deserves and if Kurt likes him. 

Did I make a mistake by not to telling him how I feel? What if he falls for Oliver? What if I encouraged him to go on this date and he ends up falling in love with him? I should have told him. I’m so stupid! I should have told him! I thought about it so many times and I should have taken one of those moments and just told him. Instead, I send him straight into the arms of another man without him knowing how I feel for him. Without him knowing all his options. I don’t know what my chances are, but he should at least know that there are options.

I feel the panic creeping in on me. My heart is beating out of control and it’s becoming increasingly hard to focus on the road ahead of me. What if he falls in love with Oliver? What if I never get my chance? What if it’s too late now to tell him? I want to turn the car around and go find Kurt and tell him everything he needs to know, everything he should know. But I can’t bail on Sam. We have obligations. People are expecting us.

I let out a quiet Fuck under my breath. I think I might have ruined everything before it even became a thing. I want to punch something. Anything. Myself. But I control myself. I can’t let Sam know the internal war I’m going through.

I contemplate calling Kurt, but I can’t do that to him, not in the middle of his date. I doubt he would pick up anyway. There’s nothing I can do now - except to wait. I’m not good with waiting. I take another chocolate bar and stuff it into my mouth, but my belly is turning into knots and I can barely swallow. This is so bad. Chocolate is always my rescue, but I can’t even eat it now. I have to fight the tears threatening to spill so hard.

One thing is sure, I’m driving to Kurt’s the minute this gig is over. I have to see him tonight. I have to know how the date went and to find out if all of my chances are gone. I’m pretty sure he won’t call me even though he said he would.

-x-x-

I’m edgy all through our sound check. I just want this done. I want to be back in Lima.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asks once again after I snap at him for the fifth time in as many minutes.

“I just want this done.” I tell him. “I’m going back home as soon as we’re finished.”

“What? No. Why? It’s only you and me tonight, let’s stay and have some fun.” Sam says. I’m his ride back and he has no choice but to leave with me.

“I have to see Kurt. I need to know how his date went.” 

“Why? Can’t it wait until tomorrow? It’ll be late before you’re home.”

“No.”

“Can’t you just call him or text him or something?” Sam is not interested in going home directly after we’ve finished. 

“No I have to see him face to face. I’m sorry Sam, but I really have to.” I hear the desperation in my own voice, but I really do have to see him. It’s all I can think about.

“Okay… you’re acting really weird, you know that? I know you guys are close but your kind of obsessed… Let’s just stay and check out the ladies instead, and not worry about Kurt who I’m sure is having a great time or he would have texted you already.”

He’s probably right about that last part, but that’s exactly why I have to see him tonight. I have to tell him. Tonight. “I’m sorry Sam. I need to see him. We’ll stay as long as you want next Friday. Please?”

Sam looks at me, contemplating his options. “Fine.” Sam says eventually not sounding happy at all.

“Thank you.” I say and hug him. Sam looks at me suspiciously, like he’s trying to figure me out, but he doesn’t say anything else about it. I’m relieved to let it go because even if he did ask me flat out what the hell I’m up to, I couldn’t tell him

I try to stay focused during our performance, I really do, but I can’t stop thinking about Kurt and if I made a mistake by not telling him. There actually is a lot more people here tonight, people who have come to listen to us. I don’t want to disappoint them or Sam or Tom, and I do my best to stay in the moment. But it’s hard. It’s so unbelievingly hard when all I want to do is to be somewhere else. With someone else.

Everyone out there seems to be having a great night, and judging by the way the audience cheers and applauds us, we are doing great (despite my inability to focus). But as soon as we are finished, I hurry to pack up all my things. Sam decides to stay behind and crash at his uncle’s. I feel bad for leaving him here alone but he tells me not to worry. I have other things to worry about so I hug him goodbye and promise to call him tomorrow.

I hurry to my car and drive back to Lima in record time. I don’t want to think about the number of traffic laws I break to make it back to Lima in one hour. I park in the Hummel driveway and rush out of my car and up to the front door. My heart is racing, my hands are trembling and the butterflies in my stomach are going crazy. I knock frantically on the door several times before Burt finally opens it. He looks drowsy, he must have fallen asleep on the couch watching TV.

“Is Kurt home yet?” I ask in a shaky breath.

“Is his car in the driveway?” Burt asks in return trying to hide a yawn.

I turn around to look. “No.” In my haste to see Kurt I apparently became blind in the process.

“Then I guess he ain’t home yet. You okay? You look a little agitated.” Burt says and lets me into the house.

“Yes. No. I don’t know…” I say and lean against the door, feeling deflated.

“Okay, come here.” Burt says and leads me into the kitchen and sits me down on a chair, then he walks around the table and sit down across from me. “What happened?”

I take off my beanie out of habit and run my fingers through my hair. “Nothing, I guess…” I want to tell him. He’s the closest thing I have to a father, but he is also Kurt’s dad which makes everything complicated. Feelings are complicated and I don’t know how to start.

Burt gives me a suspicious look. “Nothing, huh? Doesn’t look like nothing to me.” 

“Is it okay if I wait for Kurt in his room?” I ask feeling unsettled sitting here with Burt, knowing that he can probably get me to say more than I’m ready to.

“You don’t look like you should be alone right now. Do you want coffee and maybe talk a little about what’s bothering you?”

I don’t want to sit here and talk to Burt but I still find myself nodding. Burt gets up from his chair to make coffee. I look at my watch and see that it’s 11.20.

“Shouldn’t Kurt be home by now?” I ask trying not to sound like I wished he never went on this freaking date.

“I told him to be home by midnight so I don’t expect him to be home until 11.59.” Burt answers. “Why are you here? I thought you were playing in Columbus tonight.”

“Oh, I did. Then I drove here.” Burt glances at his watch and then raises an eyebrow. “I might have broken a few speed limits.” I add.

“A few?” Burt chuckles. “I’d say you broke all of them.” Burt waits for the coffee to finish before he pours us two cups and sits down at the table again. “Why such a rush to get back here and see Kurt?”

I place my hands on the coffee mug, hoping that the warmth will somehow calm my nerves. “I wanted to know how his date went.” I’m doing my best to sound casual. I think I’m failing miserably.

“And you needed to drive like a maniac to do that? You couldn’t just wait for him to call you? Like he said he would.”

I take a sip of my coffee. “Uhm… maybe… I mean I could have, but I wanted to see him now. It’s his first date.”

“He has dated before.”

“Okay it’s his first date since he came out to us. His first date with a guy.”

“Why does the sex of the person he dates matter?” Burt asks.

“It doesn’t, but it’s still a big deal, don’t you think?” I say trying to convince him that I’m not crazy for getting here in a flash, wanting to see him, wanting to hear about his date. 

Wanting to know if missed my chance by not telling him how I feel.

“I think it’s just a date. Nothing more, nothing less. Why are you making it into being a big deal? I mean I get that you care about him, but I didn’t see you rushing through my door in the middle of the night after his first date with Emily. Why is this so important to you?”

How do I answer that without telling him everything? Why doesn’t he just let me go downstairs and wait for Kurt? Why all these questions? It’s like he’s trying to make me confess something that he already knows. But he can’t know, right? How could he know?

My silence urges Burt to ask another question. “Is there something that you want to tell me? About Kurt?”

He knows. But how can he know? Do I deny it? Or do I confess? I so desperately want to tell him, but telling him before telling Kurt feels wrong. But I need to tell someone. To test the words, see how they feel against my tongue.

“I think I’m in love with him.” I say looking down into my coffee. Now it’s out there. I’ve said it out loud. It’s real. It’s not only in my head anymore. It feels strange and perfect at the same time. 

Then I start worrying about what Burt will think about it, about me being in love with his son. Burt sees me as his second son. Will this be weird for him? First he finds out that Kurt is gay and now I tell him that I’m in love with him. Will he disapprove? Burt is like my dad and I’ve always felt bad doing something I know he doesn’t approve of. I don’t want him to shut me out, I need him to continue to treat me like his son.

When I gather enough courage to look up at Burt I’m faced with a big smile. “I figured.” He says not sounding disappointed at all.

“You don’t mind?” I ask. “You’re not freaked out about it?”

“Why would I mind Blaine?”

“Kurt’s been my best friend since fifth grade, I have only dated girls before and now I tell you that I might be in love with him. You don’t think it’s weird?” I ask, feeling the nervousness like wild butterflies in my belly.

“Nothing surprises me these days. Kurt’s gay, you’re gay. You are gay right?“ Burt asks when he sees me flinching at his statement.

“I don’t know…” I answer truthfully. “I’ve never thought about other guys like this. Only Kurt.”

“That’s okay. You’ll figure it out.” He takes a sip of his coffee and places the mug in front of himself again. He smiles at me. I think it’s supposed to be reassuring, but I feel everything but reassured about anything at this moment. I feel sick. I feel like my stomach is about to turn itself inside out. My fingers are trembling and I’m trying to hide it by grasping hard to my coffee mug.

“Have you told Kurt?” Burt asks.

“N-No… and I don’t even think it would matter. Kurt doesn’t feel the same way about me.”

“Has he told you that?” Burt asks.

“Not in so many words, but there has been indications that he doesn’t.” Like the fact that kissing me would be weird. “And now he’s on a date and I really want him to have good time, but at the same time I hope it sucked.”

Burt chuckles. “I don’t miss being a teenager one bit.”

I give him an inquiring look. What does he mean by that?

“I think you should tell Kurt what you just told me.”

It’s the reason I came here, but now that the moment is almost here I’m chickening out. I’m scared of all the ways this will change things between us. What if it’s not worth it? 

“No. I can’t do that. What if it changes everything? What if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore? What if he hates me?”

“Blaine,” Burt says and gives me a steady look, “Kurt is your best friend, do you really think that he could hate you for telling him that you’re in love with him? You might be surprised at what he has to say.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Burt says, “that I think you should go downstairs and wait for Kurt. I’ll send him down when he gets home, and then you’ll tell him.”

Burt insists. Why does he insists? Does he want me to make a fool of myself? Adults are so strange sometimes. 

But I know not to disagree with Burt. He is after all right 99% of the time. “Okay.” I say and slowly head downstairs.

Should I really tell him? I’m torn. I want to so bad, to just get it off my chest so I don’t have to pretend that everything is as it always has been between the two of us when everything has changed. But at the same time, I’m freaked out about him saying he’s not interested. 

I fear the rejection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is everybody okay?  
> How do you think Kurt's date went? Is Blaine too late? Will he have to fight for it? Or will Kurt fall into his arms?  
> Let me know what you think.  
> Working hard on improving chapter 14, to get it as good as possible.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it was worth the wait :) And by that I don't mean that it took me three days to update instead of my normal two ;)

**Kurt, Friday July 1st 2012, 11.39 pm**

“I had a really nice time tonight Kurt.” Oliver takes my hand in his as he walks me to my car.

“Me too.” I tell him and try to ignore how wrong it feels to hold his hand.

Oliver has been nothing but nice and entertaining the entire evening and I hate myself for not being able to enjoy our date. I tried, I really did, to have fun and give him a chance. I wanted so badly for this date to go well. I wanted there to be a connection, a spark. Something. Anything. I wanted to feel something for him so that I could prove to myself that it is possible to fall for a guy whose name isn’t Blaine.

But all I could think about was the way Blaine looked at me before he left. Like he wanted to tell me something. But of course he didn’t. We haven’t really talked to each other the whole week. Maybe there’s nothing to tell. Maybe Quinn is wrong and I’ve been waiting for him to say something that doesn’t exist.

Yet I cannot not think about how he had me pressed against that wall, demanding me to kiss him. The way his eyes focused on mine even though he couldn’t focus on anything. The way he was standing so close I could feel the heat bounce of his body. The way his fingers pressed against my chest, making my heart speed up. How I wanted to kiss him even though I was mad at him for getting drunk and behaving like, well a drunken idiot and making me uncomfortable.

I keep wondering if he would have answered my question if Quinn hadn’t showed up. If he would have been honest with why he wants to kiss me. Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered what he said because he was drunk and it’s hard to take a drunken answer for being the truth.

I wish he had said something though. Then I could have asked him about it and he could either have confessed to something or laughed it off as drunken slur. Now there’s just indications of things that might be there under the surface. Mere indications makes it so much harder to bring it up in conversation. And iIf I bring it up I cannot leave out the part about my feelings for him. If I’m wrong in my suspicions, if I expose myself, things are never going to be the same between us.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing you again.” Oliver says when we reach my car. “I like you.” He’s so confident in himself and I envy that quality in him.

He has probably said some other things on the way over here, and I have probably answered him, but I can’t remember what we’ve talked about.

“Well, you have my number.” I tell him and try to act flirty but elusive, despite knowing nothing will ever become of this. He has been so nice and I feel like such a horrible person for not appreciating that. But my heart belongs to someone else, no matter how much I wished it didn’t, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

“I’ll be sure to take you up on that offer.” Oliver says with a wink.

The queasy feeling in my belly only grows stronger when Oliver leans in to kiss me. I panic. Holding his hand is wrong, it’s leading him on. Kissing him would be ten times worse and I can’t do it. I turn slightly and quickly lean in to give him a hug instead, ignoring the way his lips brush against my ear with a kiss that was meant for my lips.

“I have to go.” I tell him. “Curfew.”

Oliver looks disappointed but doesn’t say anything about the missed kiss, or anything else for that matter. Probably too embarrassed about having misread the signals I’ve been sending out. I feel bad for him, because it’s not his fault, he’s been a perfect gentleman. No this is all on me.

I don’t even know why I agreed to this date in the first place. I’m all about romance. I want to feel butterflies, hearts beating fast, warmth spreading across my entire body at just the sight of my object of desire. I want to feel light-headed from the need to touch and shiver when being touched. Not being able to think straight because of being distracted by the other person’s presence. I knew none of that would happen with Oliver. 

Yet I had to try. Feeling the way I do about Blaine is only causing me heartache and it’s such a crappy feeling. I just wanted it to go away, just for a few hours tonight. But here I am, still with that same old feeling stuck in my heart. It doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere and I might as well accept it.

Oliver, who is ever the gentleman, opens the car door for me. “Drive safely.” He tells me as I get into my car.

“You too.” I say and smile. I’m eager to get out of here. To go home.

To call Blaine.

Things have been tense between us this week. I’ve been avoiding confronting him and he’s been avoiding asking me what happened. And when he did ask, I avoided answering because if there was something he wanted to tell me he should do so on his own. He should want to tell me, not feel forced to tell me because I’m confronting him.

I don’t want things to be like this between us, I want to fix it. I can’t stand being mad at him, whatever the reason. I have decided to just put it all behind me, to not stay mad at him. To just forget and move on like it never happened.

Because he’s my best friend and I have missed him. He’s been around, of course, but it’s not the same. I’ve missed talking to him and sharing things with him. And just being us. I’ve missed being us so much.

As I turn the corner to our street I see Blaine’s car parked in our driveway. At first my heart skips a beat. Blaine is here, waiting for me. He wants to make things right too.

But then I glance at the clock on my dashboard. It’s almost midnight and when I start to calculate the time backwards it doesn’t add up. Taking into account when the gig started, how long it should have been, how long it takes to drive from Columbus to Lima – it should be impossible for him to be here now. Yet his car in our driveway clearly says that he is. 

With the realization that he is here when he couldn’t be, I feel a slight wave of panic creeping up on me. Did something happen to Dad while I was away? Is that why Blaine is here? I muted my phone during the movie and haven’t looked at it since. What if something happened and they couldn’t get hold of me. I quickly reach for my phone, fearing the worst. But there are no missed calls or texts. That, however, doesn’t make me relax.

I get out of my car and make it to the door in no time. I open it and call out, “Dad?” Worry evident in my voice.

“In the kitchen.” Dad calls back. He doesn’t sound like a man in pain, which is a relief.

I walk into the kitchen, expecting to find dad and Blaine. Dad is sitting at the table drinking coffee. Across from him is another half-full cup, but nobody’s sitting there.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

Dad gives me with a strange look. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I just…” I trail off, turning around slightly and pointing at something behind me, not sure myself what I’m getting at.

“Come and sit down for a while.” Dad says and I comply because I’m still a little shaken. I was so sure something had happened to him. Why else would Blaine be here and not in Columbus?

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask again. To make sure.

Dad chuckles. “Last time I checked.” I feel the initial panic dissipate at his reassurance. “How was your date?” Dad asks.

“It’s was fine. Is Blaine here?” I ask even though I know he is. But he isn’t here. Why isn’t he here with Dad? It’s not like he has a habit of hanging out alone in our house.

“He’s downstairs waiting for you, but before you go down to him I want to hear all about your date.”

“It was good. Oliver’s nice and we had a lot of fun.” I say quickly.

I’m not really interested in talking about my date. If dad is okay and Blaine is down in my room waiting for me, then I’d rather be down there with him, trying to fix our friendship.

“And?” Dad asks.

“And what?” I ask not understanding what he’s getting at.

“And are you going to see him again?” 

“I don’t know.” I answer truthfully. “We’ll see what happens I guess.”

“So, if this date was good and you might want to see this Oliver again, does this mean that you’re have gotten over your feelings for Blaine?” Dad asks, a little too loud for my liking.

“Dad! He might hear you!” I hiss because Blaine is right there downstairs in my room. Dad gives me a look and shrugs his shoulder as though to say what?

I glare at him because how can he just shrug? Doesn’t he understand that I don’t want Blaine to know? That I don’t want to make things more complicated. If anything I want to fix everything by making it less complicated. Dad only glares back at me.

“No.” I finally admit when this glaring contest is beginning to feel ridiculous.

“Okay, good.” Dad leans back in his chair with a somewhat smug look on his face.

Good? Why is that good? Does he want me to stay miserable with unrequited feelings forever? Isn’t this the part where he’s supposed to say some encouraging parenting stuff like _I’m sure you will get over them someday_. Or _There are plenty of fish in the sea_ and _Someday you will meet a guy whom you love and who loves you back_. But no, not my dad. He goes with _good_.

“Head downstairs to Blaine now. I’m going to bed,” Dad continues “and I’m going to close my door and put in my earplugs. Goodnight.”

Okay… he’s my dad and I love him, but sometimes he makes absolutely no sense. “Goodnight Dad” I say and watch him disappear out of the kitchen. I hear him walk up the stairs and close the door behind him. I shake my head slightly in disbelief. Strange.

I take the two coffee cups, empty them in the sink and put them in the dishwasher, and then I walk downstairs to my room where Blaine is waiting for me. I realize that my palms are clammy and my breathing is shallow. I’m nervous to see him. I don’t know why Blaine is here when he told me to call him, when it should be impossible for him to be here. 

Blaine is laying on my bed looking at something on his phone, but he quickly puts it away when he hears me walk down the final steps of the stair.

“Hey.” I say tentatively and stop at the final step.

“Hi.” Blaine sits up and leans against the headboard. He pats on the bed beside him and I walk over and sit down beside him. “How was your date?”

“It was good. We had a good time.” I say tentatively. 

“Yeah?” Blaine says. There’s something in the way he says it. The way his voice hitches in that single word and the way his smile falters as he bites down on his lip that makes me wary. “You like him?” Blaine asks running a hand through his hair.

“He was really nice and funny, but… there was something missing.” _He wasn’t you_. 

It feels like we’re both testing the waters here. We’ve been tiptoeing around each other for days, me trying to figure out if Quinn was right and him trying to figure out what he did wrong. Now I just don’t know anymore… I’m trying hard not to get my hopes up. If he liked me he would have stopped me from going on this date. God knows, I’ve given him plenty of opportunities, but he didn’t.

“I don’t think I’m going to see him again.” I feel as though I should make that clear to him. As if that is vital information he needs to have.

We sit quiet for a while. I want him to tell me why he’s here. It think it’s obvious he’s not only here to check up on how my date went. 

“How was your gig tonight?” I ask him.

“It was good. A lot of people showed up, more than last week, so I guess people liked us.”

“That’s great! You must be really excited!” I say feeling very excited for him. Music is his passion, it’s what he wants to spend the rest of his life doing.

“Yeah, I guess.” Blaine shrugs and then he’s silent again, lost in his own thoughts.

“You guess?” I say and turn to look at him.

“Kurt there’s something I need to tell you.” Blaine closes his eyes, breathes in deeply and exhales slowly. When he starts talking again it’s like he’s been holding in his words forever and once he’s started he can’t stop. “Please let me finish before you say anything because if you interrupt me I don’t think I will be able to finish and I really need to get all of this out.” 

“Okay.” I say, trying to sound calm and as if my whole body is screaming, out of ecstasy or fear I’m not sure.

“I know things have been kind of weird between us the last week and I know it’s because of something I said or did. I can’t remember what it was, but I can guess”. He pauses to take a breath before he continues. His voice quavering when he starts speaking again. “For the past couple of weeks, months, maybe for as long as I have known you, I have come to realize that you are very special to me. You are my best friend but you mean so much more to me than that.”

My heart is beating so fast and the butterflies in my stomach are fluttering like crazy.

Blaine is fidgeting nervously with his fingers when he continues. “When I started talking about kissing another guy, I meant you Kurt.”

_Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!_

Somewhere in the back of my mind I’ve known this, but to hear him say it out loud… _Oh my god_ is all that my brains is able to produce.

“I’ve have wanted to kiss you for so long. At first I couldn’t figure out why, it didn't make any sense because you're my friend and I shouldn’t want to kiss you. And also you’re a guy, which is another reason I shouldn’t want to kiss you. I tried to ignore it, but ignoring it only made the feeling stronger and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was all I could think about, but still it didn’t make any sense.”

He takes another deep breath before he continues. I wish he would look at me. I want to reassure him with my eyes since my words aren’t allowed.

“That night I spent with you after you’d told your dad that you’re gay, that’s when it finally clicked. And then everything made sense.” He looks up at me, eyes filled with nervousness, “I’m in love with you Kurt.”

I inhale sharply. _In love_? I try to say something, I have to say something, but Blaine stops me.

“No, let me finish. I don’t understand it, but I am. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, guy or girl. Definitely not for another guy but not for any of my girlfriends either. I don’t want to feel this way, it makes stuff too complicated. But I can’t ignore the way I feel.”

“I get that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean that you have those feelings for me, but I need to tell you anyway. Keeping it in any longer will tear me apart and it will destroy our friendship. Because I will inevitably end up doing something that will hurt you. Maybe me telling you this will change our friendship beyond a point where we can’t go back to what we used to be anyway, but that’s a risk I have to take.”

He pauses for a second but I can tell that he’s not finished so I don’t say anything.

“I hated sending you off on this date with Oliver. I tried telling you not to go and I tried being supportive, but either way it sucked because I wanted to be the one to take you out on a date. Maybe it doesn’t matter because you don’t want to kiss me anyway, or date me for that matter. I just want you to know that I’m in love with you Kurt and I hope we can still be friends even after I’ve told you this.”

There are so many words, more than Blaine normally shares. There’s so much to take in. So many pieces falling into place. But above all there’s Blaine telling me he’s in love with me.

Blaine looks down at his hands and I can tell he’s nervous. The vulnerable guy sitting in front of me has just offered me his heart and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. Now he’s sitting there waiting for the rejection he clearly thinks will come. I want to throw myself in his arms, kiss him and tell him I’m in love with him too. 

But he still has no clue how I’m feeling about him, and something in the way he looks so small and vulnerable makes me think that I need to do this carefully. 

“I know.” I tell him.

“You know?” he asks doubtfully, still not looking at me. “How can you know?”

“A number of things.” I say and continue in a soft voice. “Like your aversion to my date with Oliver. Like the way you pressed me against a wall demanding me to kiss you. Like the way you tried to pull me into bed with you to cuddle me and telling me I sucked when I didn’t want to.”

Blaine cringes. I know he doesn’t remember these things, but that he believes me when I say it. “I’m sorry…”

“You don’t have to be.” I tell him. 

“Okay…” he says hesitantly, fidgeting with a loose thread on his shorts. “So… how do you feel about what I just told you?” It’s taking him all the courage he has to ask me that question.

“Remember when I told you about this straight guy I was interested in?” I ask.

“Why are you telling me about him? I understand if you’re not interested in me, but please don’t talk about some other guy you have feelings for Kurt. Not now.” Blaine says. There’s so much pain in his voice and I want to just come out and say it, but at the same time I have to do this my way.

“Just hear me out, okay? This guy is the most amazing guy I know.”

Blaine closes his eyes hard, then pulls his knees up, leans his head on them and wraps his arms around his legs. He doesn’t say anything but I know he doesn’t understand this yet.

I want to reach out and touch him, place a reassuring hand in his, but there’s something in his body language that tells me not to. He has closed himself off and me touching him now will only make him flinch away from me.

I don’t understand why he’s so sure I don’t want him too. Have I been that good at hiding the way I feel about him? Maybe I should pursue an acting career after all. Or is it just because we are that close, it’s hard to distinguish between a friendly touch and a touch of fingertips lingering too long?

“He’s got the brightest smile and the kindest heart.” I continue, hoping he’s not only listening but actually hearing the words I say. “He has these beautiful eyes that have a color that can’t be described. They’re like a mix of gold and hazel and honey with a little touch of green. I often find myself getting lost in those eyes… Sure he’s shorter than me, and he got this crazy, wild, curly hair, but he’s my best friend and he just told me he’s in love with me.”

Blaine’s eyes fly open and he looks up at me with a bewildered expression. He’s trying to understand what he’s hearing, but not yet quite believing it.

“I’m in love with him too.”

“But… what…?” He’s so confused it’s cute.

“Especially with his crazy hair.” I say and run my fingers through his hair.

His face slowly changes from confusion and turns into the brightest smile as realization hits him. “You’re in love with me?” he asks incredulously.

“Yes, for the longest time.” 

“Really?”

“Yes.” 

“Really?” he asks again as if it’s too good to be true.

“Yes.” I chuckle. “Since forever Blaine. And I should be the one who’s shocked, not you. I’m the gay one and you are the straight one”

“Not so much apparently.” His smile is spreading from his lips to his eyes. “Wow. I-I…” Blaine shakes his head slightly from side to side as if he can’t really believe it. Then he looks at me. “I want to kiss you.” he says. “Can I kiss you? Or would that still be weird?”

He reaches out to take my hand in his, lacing our fingers together. It’s different from all the other times he’s held my hand. My skin tingles where our fingers connect and I feel shivers of pleasure run from my hand out through my body. This is different. This is us holding hands after he told me he’s in love with me and I told him I’m in love with him. This is the start of something.

“It wouldn’t be weird at all.” His smile is infectious and I feel my entire face smiling as I turn towards him. 

Blaine closes the final distance between us and brushes his lips against mine. Tentatively at first, as if he’s still a little bit unsure that this is actually what he wants, or what I want.

I have no doubts whatsoever. This is what I want. What I have wanted for so long. I press my lips a little firmer against his. I let my hand slide up to cup his cheek, pull him a little closer. I feel Blaine relax when I take control of the kiss. Feel his lips turn into a smile again. It makes me smile.

It’s not this big romantic kiss that I’d dream it would be, our first kiss. We both smile too much for it to be that. Neither of us can stop smiling now.

“Say it again.” Blaine tells me.

“I’m in love with you.”

“And I’m in love with you.”

I nod and we look at each other and we both keep grinning from ear to ear.

“You better stop smiling like that because I want to kiss you properly.” I tell him teasingly.

He sits up on his knees and I do the same, smiles all gone now. I lean in and put my lips on his. It’s a little trying at first, but then Blaine cups my face and deepens the kiss. My cheek tingles from his touch, my lips feel like they’re on fire and I need more than just lips pressing against each other. I gently push my tongue against his lips, testing, tasting, and he parts his lips to let my tongue slip in between them. My tongue meets his and they slowly move around each other. He tastes like coffee and heaven. I run one hand through his messy curls again while I let my tongue explore every part of his mouth. 

He pulls me closer and the kiss is never ending, until we both need to take a minute to breathe, and even then we keep placing small pecks on each other’s lips. My big smile returns, which makes it hard for me to kiss him. The smile is infectious and soon we are both sitting there with our big grins again. He raises our joined hands and places a kiss on the back of my hand.

“I’m so in love with you Kurt.” It’s like he can’t say that enough. 

I can’t hear it enough.

“I’m so in love with you Blaine.”

“Come here.” Blaine says and pulls us down so that we are laying on my bed. He stretches out the arm that isn’t holding on to my hand and I lay down in his arms with my head resting on his chest. Our joined hands are now resting on his stomach.

“So what was it like?” I ask him.

“What was what like?”

“Kissing a guy? Now that you finally gotten it out of your system.” I say playfully.

Blaine chuckles. “It was awesome. Your lips are like clouds, all soft and fluffy.”

I chuckle too, because how can I not?

“It was better than I could ever have imagined, but it’s only because you are amazing Kurt. I can’t believe that just happened.”

“You better believe it, because it’s gonna keep happening.” I turn my face up slightly and meet his lips in a soft kiss.

“Why didn’t we do this sooner?” Blaine asks.

“Because we have obviously been very stupid.” I say and smile at our stupidity. I can hardly believe I’m lying here in Blaine’s arms, kissing him, telling him I’m in love with him. I mean, is this even real? I’ve wanted this for such a long time and now that it’s finally happening I’m having a hard time believing it’s real. I have to stop from pinching myself, because this is real.

I have kissed Blaine, he’s in love with me and it isn’t a dream.

“Obviously.” Blaine says, rolling his eyes playfully. “I was so scared that you didn’t want this, that you wouldn’t have these feelings for me. You’ve told me so many times that you didn’t want to kiss me.”

“Because I didn’t understand why you wanted to kiss me. I knew I wanted to kiss you the first time you mentioned it but I couldn’t do that knowing it would mean something different to me than it would to you. Even though I couldn’t think about anything else but kissing you, I couldn’t do that to myself.”

“I wish you had…” Blaine says and trails his fingertips down my arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me when I told you I was gay?” It’s not an accusation, I’m just curious to know.

“I wasn’t sure why I wanted to kiss you either, I hadn’t figured everything out. Besides, you said it would be weird kissing me. I just assumed that you weren’t interested. You’re my best friend and I didn’t want to mess that up.”

“You’re not scared of that anymore?”

“A little. I’ll always be scared of messing things up with you. I don’t think you know how much you mean to me Kurt.” 

Blaine holds me tighter and I snuggle in closer to him. I let one of my legs cross one of his. I look up at him and our lips meet again in a long, exhilarating kiss that I can feel all the way down to my toes. My whole body shivers with pleasure. I let go of his hand and start to run my fingers up his arm. I want to touch him, I want to feel his skin against my fingertips. I want more.

Blaine breaks the kiss. I try chasing after his lips, but he just smiles at me and places a kiss on my forehead.

“I have a question.” Blaine says.

“Okay, but I’d rather keep on kissing you.” I answer and pout.

Blaine places another soft kiss on my lips, which turns my pout into a smile again.

“Does your dad know how you feel about me?”

“I might have told him…” I say as if I don’t remember. “Why?”

“He insisted that I tell you how I feel about you, and I guess that makes sense if he knew how you feel about me.” Blaine says.

“Oh my god! He knew about me and he knew about you?” I can just imagine how mighty proud he feels about himself now, playing matchmaker. I hate him with passion for that, but mostly I love him so much for helping us get to this point. “Can you imagine how smug he will be tomorrow?”

“Mmhm” Blaine hums into my hair. “I’m sure he will take all the credit.”

“Wait. You told my dad how you feel about me?”

“I think he figured it out before I told him though. I was a little skittish about your date and wanting you to get back here so that I could ask you how it went. I wanted to know if I had blown my chances with you by sending you on this date without telling you how I feel, not that I told your dad that but he figured that out anyway. So I told him.”

“That explains the strange comment he made to me.” I say and smile at my dad’s not so subtle hint.

“What comment?” Blaine asks me.

“He told me that he was going to bed and that he was going to close his door and put in earplugs.” I say and chuckle at the memory of my dad getting up of his chair slightly blushing and leaving me to face an unknowing Blaine in my room.

“Oh, did he think…” Blaine says and blushes.

“Don’t worry about him. He will never know what we do down here. He’s probably already asleep.”

I feel Blaine shift a little uncomfortable beneath me on the bed. “But still, he will think that…”

“Blaine, I don’t care what my dad thinks. Just let it go, okay?” I say and catch his lips in a new kiss.

Blaine relaxes again. “Okay.” 

“I’m glad you decided to come over tonight. I’m afraid I wouldn’t have acted on my feelings if you hadn’t told me first.” I tell him.

“Really? You wouldn’t? You would have let me slip through your fingers and never found out if there could have been something between us?” He’s asks curiously.

“For all I knew you weren’t that into guys-“ I start but Blaine cuts me off.

“I’m only into one guy. Singular not plural.” 

I nudge him playfully in his stomach. “Fine, for all I knew you weren’t into this one guy, and I’d rather be your friend for the rest of my life than to risk losing you because of the feelings that I had for you. I can’t imagine my life without you Blaine.”

I want to tell him that I love him, because I do, that’s clear to me now. But at the same time it feels too soon and I don’t want to rush things. There will be plenty of time for deep confessions later on.

“I have one more question.” Blaine says.

“Shoot.”

“Can we stop talking and just kiss instead?” he says with a smirk. 

“I thought you’d never ask.” I say feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Kissing him is what I want to do for the rest of the night.

I turn my face up to his pressing my lips gently against his, with no intention of stopping any time soon. Blaine gently sucks at my bottom lip before he lets his tongue slip into my mouth. My tongue eagerly meets his as they swirl around each other.

I let my fingers slip under his tank top and trace patterns across his back. He shivers at my touch and I can feel small goosebumps forming on his skin. He runs his hand through my hair, cups my face and deepens the kiss. I can’t put words on what I’m feeling right now. This moment right here, right now is so much more than anything I could ever had made up in my mind. It’s beautiful and breathtaking and I never want it to stop.

Blaine runs his fingers down my arm and this time it’s my turn to shiver. I never imagined that someone touching me with only feather light touches could make me feel like this. My skin is tingling, vibrating and it’s like his fingers send small electrical shocks through my entire body.

I want him to feel as good as I feel so I shamelessly move my fingers from his back to his stomach. I run them up his abs and stop by his nipple. The small moan that escapes his lips lets me know that he’s enjoying this as much as I am. It also goes straight to my dick. I can’t help it, but feeling his skin under my fingers, hearing him moan – it turns me on. Blaine’s fingers under my shirt, on my stomach aren’t helping.

I shift a little on the bed and move closer to Blaine. My dick is rubbing against his thigh and as I press myself against him I can feel that he is just as hard as I am. Neither of us says anything, the only sounds heard are from kisses and low moans as fingers explore skin on body parts where they’ve never touched before. Not like this at least. Not with the sole purpose to map every inch of skin and muscles. 

I want to find out if rubbing my fingertips across his nipples makes him moan (it does). If trailing my fingers slowly up his side makes him squirm (it doesn’t). If sucking on the skin on that spot just above his collarbone makes his eyes roll back (it definitely does). I want to find out everything I don’t already know about him. Things I couldn’t know before, but that are now mine to explore. Mostly right now, I want him closer to me. I want to feel his skin against mine.

I tug at his tank top, and he pulls it over his head. He unbuttons my shirt, and I loosen my tie. Soon they’re both on the floor and I pull him close, pressing my chests against his. He wraps his arms and legs around me and holds me tight. Feeling him this close to me is overwhelming. He’s everywhere, filling all of my senses. Blaine lets out some sound of pleasure when our bodies connect which only serves to turn me on even more. I don’t know where this is coming from but I desperately want him.

I push Blaine down onto the bed and move so that I am laying on top of him. I keep moving my hips, thrusting down at him, feeling his cock against mine. I think I might come any minute, but I still want more. I don’t know what more entails but I want to see him naked, I want us to be naked together in my bed.

I slowly move my hand down his stomach. I want to touch his erection. I want to feel it in my hand, against my body, against my erection without any clothes on. I stroke him above his jeans. We are still kissing and when I look at his face I can see his eyes are closed. He stops moving, and he stops kissing. He is in a different world, enjoying the feeling of my hand touching him. He moans something that sounds suspiciously like my name. I unbuckle his belt, unbutton his jeans and unzip his fly. 

Suddenly I feel Blaine tense below me. His body goes stiff and unyielding. His hands go from stroking my back to grabbing my arms to stop my motions. It’s like he’s suddenly realized that he is doing something he shouldn’t be doing. I don’t agree with that at all.

He gently removes my hand from where I was just about push it down his underwear.

“I think we should stop.” Blaine says.

_No, no don’t stop this now, I’m going to make you feel so good_. Please let me. Is what I want to say. But what I actually say is “Why?”

“I can’t do this with your dad upstairs, knowing that we are doing this.”

“He’s sleeping,” I tell him, “and he practically told me he doesn’t care.”

“I can’t, it feels weird.” Blaine says and sits up. He zips his pants again and puts on his tank top.

I lay down on the bed and groan disapprovingly. “Please Blaine, he will never know.”

But I can feel that the moment is already gone. There’s no way to get Blaine back to the moment we just had. He has made up his mind. I’m painfully hard and I can’t do anything about it. I take a pillow and place it in my lap to hide my erection. I know he’s probably just as hard as I am but I feel embarrassed. 

“I’m sorry Kurt. This was beautiful and everything, but I can’t go any further. I’m sorry…” he adds a second time.

I don’t know what to say. I feel embarrassed for wanting more. I feel rejected by him. He doesn’t want this as much as I do. I don’t believe that my dad, sleeping two floors above us is the real reason why he stopped.

Then realization hits me. Maybe he doesn’t want this at all. What if he regrets it? What if he thought that this is what he wanted, but what if it’s not? What if he realized that he’s not in love with me after all? Maybe it was just some silly idea he got in his head and now that he acted on it, it’s absolutely not what he wants.

“I should probably head home.” Blaine says and gets up from the bed.

I don’t want him to leave. If he leaves that must mean that he regrets what we just did.

“You don’t have to leave Blaine.” I say. “It’s late and you always stay the night when it’s late. My dad won’t mind.”

“But it’s different now Kurt. We’re different. I can’t spend the night here now. Your dad will think that something happened.”

Why all this talk about my dad? Who cares what he thinks? 

“Forget about my dad.” I tell him, but when I look into his eyes I know he’s not going to change his mind. Still I find myself begging him to stay. “I can sleep on the couch if you’re uncomfortable with sharing my bed with me, but please don’t leave Blaine. Really, you don’t have to.”

“I think I do.” Blaine says in a voice that has lost all of the softness it had before. He walks over to my side of the bed. He leans down and gives me quick kiss on the lips. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” 

Then he’s gone.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this very short chapter to let you know that I'll be on vacation next week with no wifi, so that means no updates until I'm back.  
> This chapter is from Burt's POV, only because I love writing Burt.

**Burt, Saturday July 2nd 2012, 11.23 am**

I’ve been waiting for Kurt and Blaine to emerge from the basement since I woke up at eight this morning. I know they’re in love and all that but this is ridiculous. It’s almost noon and they should be hungry by now, kisses and… well, that, isn’t going to keep them satisfied all day. Okay, poor choice of words, _satisfied_ is probably exactly what they are. Okay, just stop it, Burt. These are your two boys you are thinking about.

That however, does not mean that I can’t have a little fun with them. Just because they’re ‘two teenage boys in love on a Saturday during summer break’, it doesn’t mean that they can stay in bed the entire day.

I open the door to Kurt’s room and start walking down the stairs loudly. I have no intention of going all the way down, I don’t need to see that. I just want to mess with them a little bit.

“Boys, I’m coming down.” I say in a loud voice. “I hope you are descent.” 

“It’s only me dad.” Kurt answers in a weak voice.

Well that was unexpected. I walk down the remaining steps and find Kurt still in his bed, still in his pajamas. It looks like he’s been crying, which doesn't make any sense.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask him and he turns to look at me. “I thought you and Blaine… you know… since you both like each other.” Kurt just looks at me with a confused expression. “Or wait, didn’t he tell you? Shit did I say too much?”

“No dad, he told me.” Kurt breaths out.

“So why the sad face? I thought I’d find you two down here half-naked in each other’s arms. You know happy and kissing.”

“We were, until we weren’t anymore.” Kurt says, but I’m not sure I understand.

“What happened?”

Kurt sighs. “I don’t know… He told me he was in love with me and we kissed and… everything was great and then he suddenly freaked out and left.”

“Okay… do you know why?” I’m sensing that he’s leaving some essential parts out of the story.

“No… maybe he’s not in love with me after all. Maybe he’s not as gay as he thought he was.”

“That can’t be true. I saw how nervous he was when he got here, waiting for you to come back from your date. Did he tell you he drove back from Columbus in under an hour? He broke every speed limit that could be broken. He was so eager to see you.”

“Maybe he was, but he’s not anymore.” Kurt says dejected and turns away from me again.

“Hey, come on Kurt.” I say and walk over to the other side of the bed so that I can see his face. I sit down on the bed next to him. “Have you talked to him today? Maybe there’s a perfectly logical explanation to why he left.”

“He said he’d call me, but he hasn’t. Lets’ just face it Dad, he regretted it. He regretted me.” 

“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Call him and talk to him.”

“No.”

Kurt is as stubborn as his mother was. Once he’s gotten something in his head, there’s no talking him out of it. And Blaine is not the first one to reach out and talk about what’s truly on his mind either. He’s been forced to go through a lot of sorrow and heartbreak in his life, first with his dad leaving, then his brother and then the years with an unpredictable mother and her various boyfriends that did everything but treat him right. He has a hard time trusting people and letting them in. 

I’ve welcomed him to our home and let him know that he always has a place here with us whenever he needs it. I’ve tried to make this his home away from home. To me he has been like a son. He’s brought Kurt out from the shell he hid himself in after his mother died and I will forever love him for that. He’s always been there for Kurt, always looking out for him. I really hope my boys haven’t messed all that up with a stupid mistake. That must be what is going on between them right now. A misunderstanding that they can solve if they only talk to each other. Because if it isn’t…I don’t even want to think what that will do to my family.

“Come on Kurt, reach out to him. You know what he’s like…”

“I’m not the one who left without explaining why.” Kurt says stubbornly. “If he has anything to say to me, he can call me.”

I sigh. What else is there to do? “Fine, but at least get dressed, get your but upstairs and eat some breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I don’t care if you are hungry or not, you need to eat.” I say equally stubborn.

“But Dad…”

“No buts, come on.” I say and get up from his bed. I pull away his cover, pull up the curtains and let the sunshine into his room.

Kurt mutters his reply. “Fine. But I’m not getting dressed. I’m staying in these pajamas today.”

“Fine by me.” I say.

I don’t hear it, but Kurt’s phone must have made some noise because he reaches out for it where it’s laying on his night stand. He looks at the screen.

“It’s Blaine. He wants me to come over...” Kurt says sitting paralyzed on his bed with his phone in a tight grip, still staring at the screen.

“So why aren’t you moving?”

“But what if…”

“Only one way to find out.” There are so many _what ifs_ in Kurt’s head, but if he’s going to go through and analyze all of them he will never leave that bed. “Get up, get dressed and go. Unless you intend to stay true to your word and not get out of those pajamas today.”

That seems to do it. Kurt is out of his bed in no time and rummages through his wardrobe to find something to wear. He then heads over to his bathroom. I leave him too it, figures he doesn’t need my help to get ready.

I hope they can work out whatever it is that’s bothering them right now. Last night I thought it would be strange seeing them together as boyfriends. Kurt is my son and Blaine is practically my son as well. But now I think that they can be good for each other. It actually makes sense that they would find each other like this. They have always been close, I mean really close and now I wonder why I didn’t see this coming earlier.

“Bye Dad.” Kurt calls when he rushes past the living room on his way out.

“Let me know how it goes.” I call back, but at the same time I hear the door slam shut behind Kurt. I think I will have to wait in vain for that phone call.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm back with a new chapter! It's a looong one (11k words here we come!), but they had a lot to talk about so it's not really my fault ;)  
> Thank you to my beta who makes this story so much better with her comments and suggestions :*  
> Thank you to all of you who leave comments to me, it really means more than you realize <3

**Kurt, Saturday July 2nd 2012, 1.15 pm**

I slowly make my way up the four flights of stairs to Blaine’s apartment with the same thoughts that have been circling in my head since yesterday. Why did he leave like that? Did I push him too far? Does he think it was a mistake? Did me touching him like that make him realize that he’s not in love with me? That he’s not the slightest bit gay at all? Did I just lose my best friend? 

The kiss he left me with last night, left me feeling empty. There was no love in that kiss. He might as well have given me a high five and it would have been the same sentiment. That wasn’t the kind of kiss you leave your new boyfriend with. I have spent part of my sleepless night wondering if that’s what we are or not. 

I don’t know what to expect when I see him, but I have myself convinced that he will tell me that it was a mistake. That the kiss was just to still his curiosity and now that it’s out of his system, it’s not what he want at all. But does he expect everything to go back to the way it was before or how will we act around each other now? Can I even go on like normal, pretending nothing happened between us?

No matter what, I’m determined not to let him see that it’s breaking my heart, that it’s breaking me. I’m going to stay strong, I’m not going to cry. I will get over this crush I have on him once and for all. I know I’ve said that before, but this time I mean it. I have to mean it. Because if I don’t, I don’t think we can stay friends and that would break me more than this is.

My heart is pounding when I ring the doorbell to his apartment. The buzzing sound keeps echoing in my head together with all of my thoughts long after I stopped pressing the button.

Blaine looks tired when he opens. His eyes are dark, darker than usual, and his hair is sticking out in all directions, like he’s been running his hands through it multiple times.

At least that’s what I think he looks like. I’m too unsettled to let my eyes linger on him, afraid of what I’ll see in his eyes if I do.

“Hi…” It’s more of an exhale then an actual word.

“Hi.” I answer, looking down at my feet.

“Uhm…, is it okay if we go to the park and talk?” Blaine asks. “My mom is still sleeping.”

“Sure.” I say trying to sound nonchalant although the not knowing is slowly killing me. 

He takes his keys, his sunglasses and his beanie and then we’re out. We’re both silent, which we never are. I want to take his hand in mine, but I don’t feel like I can. I don’t know if he wants me to. My heart is beating so fast. I just want to know.

We walk to the park across the street. It’s a big park, but it’s the middle of the day on a hot summer day so it’s nearly empty. He keeps walking when we get to the park and doesn’t stop until we reach the far east end of it. There is a big weeping willow tree standing there. Blaine pushes aside a few branches and waits for me to walk past him into the cool, shadowy space inside. There is an old, weather-beaten bench standing by the trunk. It must have been there for decades, probably since the tree was much younger and its branches didn’t reach all the way down to the ground. 

Blaine sits down on the bench while I just stand there in awe. The tree is so big that you can’t see the bench from the outside, if you didn’t know it was here you wouldn’t find it. I’ve known Blaine for almost eight years and I have never been here before.

“Wow, this is… magical.” I say while taking off my sunglasses because this place truly is something out of a fairytale. We’re hidden from the outside, only a few rays of sunlight slips through the dense wall of branches and leaves.

“Yeah, I feel like I can escape from the rest of the world when I’m here.” Blaine says.

“You come here a lot?” I ask him, finding it strange that I’ve never heard about this place before and it’s just literally across the street from where he lives. I slowly walk over to the bench and sit down next to him, keeping some distance between us.

“Not anymore. I used to before when I needed to get away from home.” I can imagine young Blaine hiding here when his mom brought one of her boyfriends home and Blaine either wasn’t welcomed company or didn’t want to see or hear what was going on.

“Do you need to get away today?” I ask dreading the answer.

“Maybe… yes, in some ways.”

“In what ways?”

Blaine doesn’t answer. He keeps staring into the empty space in front of him, fidgeting nervously with his fingers.

“Do you regret what happened last night?” I ask. I can’t beat around the bush or wait for him to say it himself. I know him. I know how difficult this is for him. He won’t talk unless I ask. “Have you changed your mind about me?”

Blaine turns his head towards me so quickly that I’m think it might snatch. “No Kurt, god no! Is that what you think?”

I shrug, because yes that is what I think.

“Do you regret it?” Blaine asks.

“No, absolutely not.” I tell him

“Good, because I’m crazy in love with you.” Blaine says and wraps his arms around me in a hug so tight it pushes the air out of my lungs. I relax into the hug, relief flooding through my body. He still wants to be with me, he’s not pushing me away. 

But if this is not why he left so abruptly last night, it must be something else.

I pull away because I need some more explanations. “Why did you leave like that then? And why are you acting like something is wrong? Because if you don’t regret it and I don’t regret it then we’re okay, right?”

Blaine nods.

“So why did you feel the need to get away?”

Blaine exhales slowly and I can tell that he’s finding this difficult. I take his hand in mine and give it a comforting squeeze. 

“What we did last night, you know fooling around like that, I really liked it.” Blaine starts.

“So did I.” I say and smile at him.

“But I don’t know if I’m ready for that next part… you know… sex. And I feel embarrassed not knowing if I want to go there with you.”

Okay… So that’s why he freaked and left.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that either. “ I tell him honestly.

“You’re not?” Blaine asks, his eyes widening.

“No.”

“But you were all in my pants and all.”

“I just wanted to touch you and…” I feel myself blush a little when the memories of what I did last night come back to me. “I’ve never been with anyone that way and I got a little carried away I guess. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, you don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry. I overreacted. I just assumed that you wanted to… I didn’t really think about that you’ve never…God, now I feel stupid.” Blaine says and looks away from me, his cheeks matching mine. “Did you really think I didn’t want to be with you?”

“You left right when I was about to… and I thought that maybe you realized that you didn’t like me like that after all, and that you freaked out when I touched you…”

Blaine shifts so that his entire body is facing me. “I’m sorry Kurt. I didn’t know what to do and I kind of panicked. I’m sorry I left like that.”

I’m relieved that we both want to wait with sex, but I’m also a little confused. Blaine has had sex before, why doesn’t he want to have sex with me? 

“You’ve had sex before, what’s different now?” It comes out as an accusation, which I don’t intend, even though I feel slightly hurt that he doesn’t want our relationship to move in that direction.

Blaine looks at me for a long time before he answers. His eyes are both intent and far, far away, as if he’s trying to put all the words together in the right order in his head before he speaks them.

“Everything is different Kurt. It’s different because it’s you and I never imagined feeling this way about you. It’s different because you’re my best friend and this feels like a line we shouldn’t cross. It’s different because I feel so much stronger for you than I’ve ever felt for any of the girls I’ve been with and that scares me. I don’t want to mess this up Kurt…”

“Blaine…” I say, my heart feeling for him and his mixed emotions. “I’m scared too. I’m scared of what will happen to us if we do this and it doesn’t work.”

“But you’re willing to give it a chance anyway?”

“I don’t think it’s possible for me to not want to be with you.”

Blaine rests his arm on the back of the bench. I want to move into his space and bury my face in his neck and have him wrap his arms around me again and just disappear in his embrace. But there’s something he said that bothers me.

“Can I ask you something?” I ask and when Blaine nods I continue. “When you said you don’t know if you want to go there with me, did you mean never?” It feels too early in our relationship to be having this type of conversation, but I don’t want to mess up things either, so maybe it makes perfect sense to talk about it. We’ve always been able to talk about everything (well except for the fact that I hid from him that I was in love with him for a year), and I don’t want to lose that. “Because I’ve heard that some gay couples never have sex and are perfectly happy with that.” 

“That’s… that’s not what I want. I mean sex can be amazing and I think I definitely want to at some point… It’s just with you… with you it would mean something. Sex has never meant anything with any of my exes, but with you…” Blaine closes his eyes and swallow hard before he opens them again and looks at me. “With you I think it will mean everything and I don’t want to mess us up by rushing into anything that neither of us is ready for. With you I want it to be perfect.”

“Way to put pressure on the situation.” I say playfully because I don’t want this situation becoming more intense.

Blaine laughs. “I’m sorry, I know I’m being overdramatic about this. I should just shut up.”

“No it’s sweet. I like this side of you.” I say and move my hand up to his head to play with a lock of his hair. “This soft guy who still feels the need to protect me.” I twine it between my fingers, pull it straight and let it spring back.

“I will always feel the need to protect you.” Blaine says with so much emphasize that it sends shivers through me.

“And I love you for it, but I’m not ten anymore Blaine. I can handle myself. You don’t have to protect me from this. I want this.”

“I know… but it’s like this need has grown since we… since yesterday.”

“Since we became boyfriends?”

“Yes, since we became boyfriends. God, how crazy doesn’t that sound?” Blaine says and chuckles. “Boyfriends.” He leans his head back against the trunk, still grinning.

“I think it sounds pretty awesome.” I say and smile at him. My heart does a funny jump when he says the word _boyfriend_. 

I get him though. I get that this is scary and crazy and something we maybe shouldn’t do. But I chose to see it differently.

I slide my hand down his face, cup his chin and tilt his head so that he is looking at me when I speak. “For me it feels safe to explore those things because it is with you. Yes you’re my best friend, but that means I trust you and that makes it less scary for me. I get that you’re scared, I’m scared too. I don’t want to mess this up either but I think that if we cross the line together it will be less scary.”

Blaine brings my hand up to his lips to place a kiss on my palm. “How do you always manage to untangle the thoughts in my head when I have gotten them all scrambled up? You’re right Kurt. Of course you’re right, you’re always right.”

“I know.” I tease. “Can you say it again so that I can record it?”

“Smartass.” Blaine teases back.

“Listen Blaine,” I tell him because I want him to understand what I say, “I really like you and I want to explore new things with you. I mean there are other things we can do besides having sex. If we want to. There’s no rush to do anything. It’s okay if it takes time. Or forever. I just want to spend time getting to know you on a whole new level.”

“I want that too. I like what you started last night and I wished I hadn’t let my mind get ahead of what was happening.” There’s a cheeky smile on Blaine’s face as he turns to kiss me.

The kiss is more a peck than a kiss and ends a little abruptly when Blaine pulls away from me mere seconds after he started. He shifts uncomfortably beside me and it’s obvious there’s something he isn’t telling me. 

“There’s something else we need to talk about.” Blaine says.

He sounds so serious and I get a bad feeling about whatever this is. 

“What is it?” I ask and try to sound calm and not let him see how worried I actually am. I take one of his hands in mine and stroke my thumb over his.

Blaine takes a moment to gather his thoughts before he begins to talk. “I hope you know how much you mean to me, how much I want to be with you.”

I nod because I think I do know, but now he’s making me anxious again.

“I think that what we have is special, but I don’t know if I’m ready for it…”

“Okay… I… I don’t think I understand…” My heart is beating so fast that I can’t really think and make sense of what he is saying.

“I’m sorry Kurt.” Blaine pulls away from my touch and looks away as if he’s embarrassed. “You deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to hold your hand in public or kiss you whenever. I’m just not there yet… I’m trying to figure this out myself right now. Me falling in love with you doesn't really make any sense in my head. I don’t even know if I’m gay or bi or what. I just know that I’m in love with you but sharing us with the rest of the world… it’s just scary as hell. If I can’t make sense of it myself, how can I expect others to do it, you know?” 

Blaine’s eyes that are normally bright and cheerful are now filled with a wary and sadness I haven’t seen before. I hate that it’s because of me. Because of his feelings for me. Falling in love should be easy, it shouldn’t be this. It should be all about butterflies and feeling giddy. It shouldn’t make you wary or confused or have your belly twisted up in knots.

“I want to be okay with it Kurt.” Blaine continues. “For you. I want to be this perfect boyfriend for you. Because it’s what you deserve. But I’m just not there yet…”

As his words sink in, I understand what he’s saying. I too start to feel wary. My butterflies are replaced with a big lump. Blaine is still figuring himself out. He has known he has feelings for me for maybe a week or two. I know how confusing those feelings are, finding out you’re not the person you’ve believed you were. Maybe not the person you want to be. Yet he told me how he feels even if it scared him. I’ve known for a year that I’m in love with him and I never told him. He might be the bravest person I know and I cannot not fall harder for him.

“I don’t want a perfect boyfriend. I want you Blaine. And I want you to be you because that makes you perfect. To me.”

“But you just came out and you were so brave in doing that. You should be able to proudly show off a boyfriend.” Blaine interjects.

“I don’t want someone I can show of. I have fallen in love with you Blaine, the guy I’ve known for half my life. The guy who makes my heart race with just one look. If you’re out or not doesn’t change that. This is new for the both of us and frankly we don’t need the outside pressure right now.”

“But is it enough for you? What if I’m never going to be okay with it?” Blaine asks timidly. I feel his pain and it breaks my heart. 

“It took me months and months to accept who I am. You’re just at the beginning and it’s okay to not have everything figured out yet. I know what it’s like trying to make sense of the thoughts in your head that don’t make any sense at all. I know it’s scary and confusing and if you need more time then that’s okay. If I was a better person I’d probably give you some space to let you figure it out on your own, but I don’t think I’d be able to stay away from you now. But if that’s what you need, I will-”

“Please don’t leave me.” Blaine cuts me off before I can finish. He takes both of my hands in his and looks at me with such pleading in his eyes that it makes my heart break a little. “I need you to help me figure this out. I don’t want to do it alone.”

“I’m not going anywhere Blaine.” I say, relieved that he isn’t pushing me away. “If you want me, I’m right here.” I need him to understand that. I can’t imagine myself being anywhere except right here next to Blaine as he navigates through this. I want to help him because I know how hard it is to do this journey on your own. And I also know that it gets easier. “Let’s just be us and figure out what us is. We don’t have to worry about anything else.”

“You’re perfect Kurt. Do you know that? You know all the right things to say to make me feel better, and I’m just a mess with no clue what I’m doing…”

“I’m not anywhere near perfect, but thank you.” I stroke my hand along his cheek. “And you’re not a mess.”

“I’m pretty sure that if you look up the word mess on Wikipedia you’ll find my picture there.” Blaine says with a newfound relief in his voice. The fact that he’s able to joke about it makes the lump in my chest infinitely smaller. 

“Thank you for telling me all this.” I say and hug him tightly.

“Thank you for listening.” The words are kissed into my hair as Blaine wraps his arms around me.

“I know this probably isn’t going to be a smooth ride,” I say and loosen my grip enough to pull back so that I can look at him, “but if we’re going to make this work you have to promise that you’ll tell me if something is on your mind so that we don’t end up fighting or not trusting each other. Or not knowing how the other one feels.” I say thinking about how he left me last night and how easily all that worrying could have been avoided if he had just been honest about what was on his mind instead of running away.

“I promise that I’ll try. Sometimes I’m just not good with words…”

“We’ll work on that.” I promise him. “Can we get out of here? I’m getting cold.”

It’s quite cool in the shadow beneath the branches of the weeping willow, and I’m not dressed for staying in the shadows this long.

“Yes, but first I’m dying to kiss you. Can I?”

“You’re my boyfriend, you don’t have to ask me for kisses. Just assume I will always want to kiss you.”

Blaine closes his eyes and unconsciously licks his bottom lip when he leans in for the kiss. His hand gently slides up my arm and lands on my cheek to draw me closer as his lips softly press against mine.

The old bench creaks beneath us as I shift to move in closer to him. My hands slowly trail up his back, pulling myself even closer to him. My nose brushes against his cheek when I tilt my head to align with his, parting my lips and granting his probing tongue access.

A small whimper escapes from Blaine as his hand slides around the back of my neck and he draws me impossibly closer, erasing all distance between us.

This kiss is more exploring than the one we shared last night. That kiss was all lust and excitement from built up expectation and nerves. This kiss is allowed time. Our tongues twirl around each other in a slow dance of exploring and tasting. Trying to map every inch so that next time they’ll know every step of this dance. So that next time there won’t be any hesitation, only familiarity.

Blaine tastes like minty chocolate and heaven. Will he always taste like heaven when we kiss?

I inhale sharply as the kiss goes from slow and teasing to Blaine pouring in every ounce of passion and emotions that he owns. There are no traces of doubt or confusion in this kiss, only love. I let him take control, let him decide what this kiss needs to be.

The weeping willow leaves rustle around us as a breeze blows through the dense leafage. Goosebumps shimmer across my skin as a shiver runs through me, whether from the breeze or the intense passion of the kiss, it’s hard to tell. 

We’re both breathing hard when our lips part with a final lingering kiss. Blaine opens his eyes slowly and in them I see the same desire and love I feel in my heart. This is it. Blaine is it. The one person I will love for the rest of my life. I don’t know where this journey will take us but I know that I will always love Blaine.

Blaine leans back against the bench. He looks happy and more relaxed than I’ve seen him in weeks. I, on the other hand, am left panting, feeling flustered and wanting more.

My phone buzzes from an incoming text. I don’t want to break the moment but I need the distraction to cool down a little bit so that I don’t push this moment further than we can handle. I take it out of my pocket, but when I see that the text is from Oliver I put it back again. I can read that later.

“Who was it?” Blaine asks, that smile still playing on his lips.

“Oliver.”

“What did he say?” The smile is slowly fading away and is replaced by a frown.

“I don’t know and I don’t care. I’ll read it later. Right now I want to keep kissing you.” I say and lean in for another kiss.

“Read it now, I want to know.” Blaine says without meeting the kiss halfway. I can trace a hint of jealousy in his voice.

“Okay.” I say and take out my phone again because I have nothing to hide. Besides our date was completely innocent, nothing happened.

**Oliver**  
**Hi Kurt, I had a really good time yesterday. I hope we can meet up again some time. Soon. Call me.**

“I thought you said that nothing happened and that you were just friends.” Blaine says with so much more than just a hint of jealousy.

“Exactly.”

“Well he doesn’t seem to think that. I don’t like him.”

I feel Blaine’s body tensing beside me. I know what’s happening inside his mind and I need to put an end to it before it grows too big.

“Blaine, were you not just here? Didn’t you hear me say that I’m in love with you and that I want to be with you? I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t want him, I only want you. Okay? I won’t even reply to his text if that makes you feel better.”

“Okay…” Blaine says slowly, but I’m not sure he really is okay with it. “A kiss would make me feel better.”

“Anything for you.” I say and kiss him. Actually it’s anything to stop him from thinking and overanalyzing. It’s a slow, sweet kiss that could build into something more, but I stop it before it gets too heated. “Can we get out of here now?”

“Sure.” Blaine says and stands up. “What do you want to do?”

As if to answer his question, both our phones buzz with incoming texts. It’s from Quinn telling us to get our butts over to her place. They’re preparing a barbeque.

“I don’t want to go.” Blaine says.

“Me neither.” I respond.

“But I guess we should…”

“Ugh, I really don’t want to. Can’t we just stay here and kiss the rest of the day?”

“ _Kurt._ ” Blaine admonishes with a chuckle.

“Okay… We did promise to spend our last summer together, so I guess we should go…” I say but make sure Blaine sees the pout on my face.

“You’re adorable.” Blaine says.

“Adorable enough to convince you to stay?” I say and take a step closer to him, biting on my lower lip.

Blaine laughs. “Not that adorable.” He says and kisses my nose.

I pout again, but I know he’s right. We should go, and any other day I would be happy to see them, but right now I want to stay in our bubble. Once we’re there we’ll have to step out of it and I’m not ready to do that yet. I slide my hands around his neck and pull him in for a kiss. I press my body up against his and twine my fingers into his curls, tugging lightly as I bite down on his lip before slipping my tongue into his mouth. Blaine moans into my mouth as his hands connect with my lower back and pull me in closer to him. He deepens the kiss, pressing his lips firm against mine and sucking all air out of me. God, he’s such a good kisser. 

The kiss was meant to make him change his mind, but it has me feeling all hot and bothered and now I really have to stop or I’ll get carried away again.

“Okay, let’s go then.” I say and take a step back, trying to get my breathing under control. Blaine looks equally flustered when I break the kiss and tug at his hand to get him to follow me.

“Ehm… but I… okay…” Blaine mumbles.

“Something wrong?” I ask innocently.

Blaine groans. “You’re the devil.”

“What?” I continue with my most innocent voice.

Blaine shakes his head and smiles. “Let’s just go.” 

He pushes the branches of the weeping willow aside, and we’re back out in the sun again. My eyes squint at the bright light and I quickly put on my sunglasses again. We walk back across the park to my car and drive to Quinn’s house.

I park in the driveway and turn off the ignition. Neither of us makes any attempts to get out of the car.

“I don’t want to go in.” Blaine says. “I don’t want to face Sam. I kind of ditched him last night because I wanted to see you and although that was the right decision I feel kind of bad for leaving him there… and I guess he wants some kind of explanation to why I so badly needed to see you.”

“You left Sam in Columbus?” I say feeling oddly worried for Sam. “Why would you do that?”

“Because of you, but it’s okay. He stayed with his uncle.” Blaine says with a reassuring smile. 

“I don’t want to see Puck.” I say. I’m not sure how to act around him. Should I just ignore him and pretend that nothing happened or should I keep myself in the background to avoid any confrontations?

“I don’t get what his problem is,” Blaine says irritated, “but I’ll talk to him. You shouldn’t be the one feeling bad when you are only being yourself.”

“Let’s just see what happens. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Okay, but you know I’ll always be there for you.”

“I know.” Protective or not, I do appreciate his ways.

“I’m sorry that I’m not there yet.” Blaine says after another few seconds of silence. He looks so sad. I want to kiss him and make him feel better, but I can’t do that here, not when anyone can see us. Instead I squeeze his knee reassuringly.

“I told you I don’t care about that. What matters to me is that we know what we are. The rest of the world and what they think or what they know doesn’t bother me, it has nothing to do with us. Come on now, let’s get in there even though neither of us really wants to.”

Blaine puts his hand on mine and holds it tightly. He looks me in the eyes when he speaks. “You truly are amazing Kurt.” We sit there and look at each other, letting our eyes do the talking because right now words doesn't feel enough. “Okay, let’s go.” Blaine says eventually and we step out of the car.

We walk around the house and find Quinn, Puck, Mike and Tina sitting by the pool. It’s the first time I’ve seen Puck since, well that day. He doesn’t look up at us like the rest of them when we walk round the corner and greet them. I feel this lump forming in my stomach, and I have a bad feeling about how this day will turn out. I try, however, to stay strong and not let it show.

“Hello boys.” Quinn greet us. “Good that you’re finally here, now you can take Puck and Mike grocery shopping.”

“Where’s Sam?” Blaine asks.

“He’s on his way.” Tina says. “Apparently he spent the night in Columbus and he’s now on a bus back to Lima.” 

“Why didn’t he go back with you?” Mike asks.

“I wanted to go home and he wanted to stay.” Blaine says without any further explanation and no one questions him about it either. “Okay guys let’s go shopping.”

“I think I’ll just stay here, if that’s okay.” I say because being in a confined space with Puck doesn’t sound appealing. “But you can take my car if you want to.”

“Oh, good, then you can tell us all about your date.” Tina chirps.

I can feel Blaine stiffen a little beside me, but he doesn’t say anything. When I hand him the keys to my car I make sure our fingers touch and I hope that that action conveys the ‘ _don’t worry, the date didn’t mean anything to me_ ’ that I want to tell him but can’t.

Once Blaine and the guys are gone, Tina’s all over me wanting details about my date with Oliver. I tell her the truth, that there’s nothing much to tell. Oliver is a nice guy but I don’t see us being anything more than friends. Tina seems to be disappointed by that. I think that she was really looking forward to seeing me with a boyfriend for some reason. 

I wished I could tell her about me and Blaine. I’m in love and it’s the most excited I’ve ever been, of course I want to tell her. But I made a promise and it’s not a promise I intend to break. Ever.

Quinn accuses me for going MIA the last week, and she’s right. I was avoiding Blaine since he got drunk and said and did the things that I didn’t understand then, but that made perfect sense now, but avoiding Blaine also meant that I avoided my other friends. I tell her that I spent the week with my dad, helping him in the shop, which isn’t a complete lie.

We catch up on the latest gossip, and I realize how much I have missed them and how I don’t know how I’ll get by without seeing them every day when we all move away to college. It strikes me then that I’m moving to New York with my boyfriend when the summer is over and a warmth, that isn’t caused by the blaring sun, spreads throughout my body.

Later, when the guys return from their trip to the grocery store, Sam is with them. They picked him up from the bus station on their way back. He seems to be in a very good mood, telling everyone how he hooked up with a 22 year old girl and got laid. He doesn’t seem all that bothered by the fact that Blaine left him in Columbus yesterday, which must be a relief for Blaine.

“I heard your date with Oliver went well.” Sam walks over and sits down next to me by the poolside. I have my feet in the water, the only way to keep my body cool on this warm day. “I told you it would, didn’t I.” Sam adds to Blaine who is now walking over to us and sitting down on my other side. “Blaine here was really worried about you, but I told him that Oliver is cool and that you can take care of yourself.”

“How did you hear that?” I ask him ignoring the part about Blaine. I don’t want to draw attention to that part.

“He told me this morning over breakfast.”

I purposely avoid looking at Blaine, who I know is listening very intently. “It was nice, but I don’t think I’ll see him again.”

“Really?” Sam sounds surprised. “He seems quite smitten by you. You made a lasting impression on him.”

“Really?” I ask sounding just as surprised as Sam just did.

“Yes. I don’t know what moves you pulled on the date, but it seemed to work. He said he hadn’t had that much fun in a long time.”

I don’t know what to say. Obviously we weren’t on the same date, because my date wasn’t that fun. 

“What moves did you pull Kurt?” Blaine asks. His voice is condescending and intentionally mocking. I also trace a lot of jealousy. He’s trying to act cool or tough or something, but what for?

I want to kick him on his shin and tell him to shut up. He knows I don’t like Oliver. After this day I thought it would be perfectly clear to him that I only want him and nobody else. Still he’s acting like a child. I know it’s his insecurities and his confusion about himself that are making him say it, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I ignore him and turn to Sam again. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to say to that. Sure we had a good time, but it didn’t click for me.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me, but you should probably tell Oliver. He’s already looking forward to your second date.” Sam says.

“Second date, huh? When is this second date going to be?” Blaine asks sounding both cocky and arrogant and I honestly don’t get why he’s making a thing out of this. I mean, now he’s just being ridiculous. I told him I’m in love with him yet he’s acting like he’s not trusting my words. I want to tell him to shut up because he’s being really hurtful, but I can’t do that and it just sucks. 

Once again I ignore him and turn to Sam, trying to not let it show how much Blaine’s actions are affecting me. “I’ll call him and tell him.” I can feel that Blaine is about to say something else, something equally cocky, so I turn and glare at him trying to get him to shut up. It actually works because he remains quiet. I don’t get why he’s like this. He’s acting all jealous for no reason. 

“Cool.” Sam says. “Sorry it didn’t work out.”

“Not your fault.” I tell him, put my hand on his shoulder as I stand up. “I think I’ll go help Mike and Tina in the kitchen.” I don’t feel like being around Blaine when he’s like this.

“Kurt, I…” Blaine grabs my arm to stop me, but I shake him off.

“Don’t.” I say because I can’t deal with him now. Not when there are other people around and I can’t tell him what’s truly on my mind. I need to not see him for a few minutes so that I don’t say something I’ll regret.

When I turn to leave I meet Quinn’s eyes. She’s looking at us with a puzzled expression. I smile at her and shrug before I head inside. Once inside I’m faced with Puck who is sprawled on the couch with a beer in his hand.

“Hey Kurt, can I talk to you?” He asks and sits up.

Great, just what I need right now. “Sure” I tell him and sit down on a chair next to the couch. I’m feeling apprehensive. I don’t know what to expect from him.

Puck takes a swig from his beer before he begins to talk. “Listen Kurt, I know I said some hurtful words. You weren’t supposed to hear them…”

“But you still meant them, didn’t you?” I hear how harsh the words sound and I take a deep breath because this anger isn’t really directed at him.

“Look, I don’t think it’s right. A guy should be with a woman and not another guy, it’s how I was raised. But I don’t want things to be weird between us, it affects the entire gang. I still think that you are an okay guy Kurt, and I’m willing to keep my opinions to myself if you can tone it down and not flaunt it in my face.”

Flaunt what? There’s nothing to flaunt because my boyfriend is a jealous idiot whom I don’t particularly want to be seen with right now. And even if I did, there wouldn’t be any flaunting on his part. I know I’m being unfair, but so was he and I’m allowed to be upset with him. Also I can’t believe what Puck’s saying. Am I really hearing this? “So you’re saying that I shouldn’t be myself when I’m around you? Sorry Puck, but I can’t do that. I’m gay and that’s not going to change. Either you accept that or you don’t.”

“Come on, work with me here Kurt.” Puck pleads.

I’m still upset with what just happened by the pool, and maybe I’m not in my best mood, but I’m not letting anyone tell me that I should be something I’m not. I’m not budging an inch today. “There’s nothing to work with Puck. I’m not changing who I am to make you feel comfortable. I’m not letting anyone but myself tell me who I can or can’t be.”

“Fine! Let’s just agree to disagree then.” Puck responds and throws his hands in the air, spilling some beer over his hand in the process, before he slumps down on the couch again. “Can you at least tell Blaine that I tried?”

So this whole conversation was only because Blaine told him to talk to me and what? Sort it out? Make up and become friends again? Act like he actually gives a shit about me? Because it’s clear that he actually doesn't give a shit about me.

“Whatever.” I get up from my chair and leave the room. I head for the kitchen but when I see Mike and Tina making out while cutting vegetables I suddenly don’t feel like hanging out with them. With any of them. Instead I walk out the front door, close it behind me and walk over to my car. 

This day has been such an emotional rollercoaster and now I’m feeling tired and exhausted. Not being able to sleep much last night doesn’t help. Not having eaten anything the entire day doesn’t help either. Not being able to kiss my boyfriend in the kitchen while cutting vegetables definitely isn’t helping. I just want to go home. Normally I would stay and just suck it up and pretend like none of it bothers me. But not today. I’m tired of being the one who’s always so compliant.

I sit in my car for ten minutes, giving Blaine the chance to come to me. Ten minutes which I spend questioning if dating Blaine is what I should be doing. He has so much to still figure out and me being with him might not be what he needs. It might not be what I need if he’s going to act like this when we’re not alone. He’s probably not ready for a relationship with another guy. I should probably give him the time and space to figure himself out before moving too fast into this.

After ten minutes with no Blaine in sight, I start the car and drive home. Away from hurtful words, boyfriends who don’t trust you and friends who think you are disgusting. It really has been a fun afternoon…

Once home I grab a banana before sneaking down to my room. I don’t know if my dad is home or not but I don’t feel like talking to him. Or to anyone. When I lay down on my bed I pull out my phone to turn it off. There are two missed calls and a voicemail from Blaine. I ignore them.

I cry myself to sleep thinking about the unfairness of it all.

-x-x-

When I wake up I’m disoriented. It’s dark and I have no clue what time it is. Also there’s someone lying next to me, rubbing circles on my back.

Blaine.

I’m facing away from him and I don’t know if he knows that I’m awake yet. I lay still, trying to figure out what to say to him.

“I’m sorry.” Blaine says.

“For what?” I snap, still feeling testy. Although him being here, apologizing is making me less so.

“For being a jealous idiot.” Blaine sighs. His fingers move to the bare skin on my arms and even though I hate it, his fingers on my skin sends shivers through my body. “I don’t like the fact that you went on a date with another guy, that I wasn’t your first date. Just the thought of you and him and how that could have ended… it scares me.”

“You know how my date ended, you know how I feel about you. Why do you have to be such a dick about it?” I snap again, although with much less energy than before. “You were mocking me back there, and that hurts.”

“I’m sorry Kurt... this is all so new, and I don’t know how to act around you. I think to myself that I should just be normal, but I don’t how to be that anymore. I want to hold your hand but I’m too scared to do that. I know you said you don’t mind keeping us a secret, but for how long? What if I’m never ready, will you still want to be with me then?” The vulnerability in Blaine’s voice gets to me. I turn around to face him.

“You don’t have to be,” I tell him, “I’m crazy about you Blaine, I told you that. Don’t worry about what might have happened or what might happen in the future. You can’t live like that. Let’s just be here and now and whatever happens we’ll deal with it together.”

“Okay…” 

“Just don’t pull anymore dick moves like that. You have to trust me.”

“I do trust you, I do Kurt.” Blaine kisses me, but breaks it too soon. “But you have to promise me that you’ll never leave like that again and turn off your phone. It really scared me that I didn’t know where you were and that I couldn’t get a hold of you. You told me before that we have to talk to each other and not runaway, but that’s exactly what you did.”

I hadn’t really thought about it that way. I didn’t really think about it at all. I was upset not only with Blaine but with Puck too and in combination with being exhausted and famished I guess I didn’t think clearly. I feel like a fool for shutting him out and being angry with him when I know how difficult this is for him. At least he’s telling me how he feels. I didn’t talk to anyone, I just kept it all inside. But Blaine is being brave even though he’s struggling.

“You’re right and I’m sorry. I will never do that again.” I promise him with my most sincere voice and to prove to him that I mean it I pull him close in a fierce kiss.

I tell him about what happened with Puck. Blaine gets so mad that the only way to calm him down is to kiss him some more and wrap my leg around him to distract him. It’s funny how he can be so protective of me and my right to be who I am, yet he’s still so confused about himself and so uncomfortable with who he is.

We lay like that, looking at each other, kissing, touching, enjoying being close. He tells me they made plans for a pool party this week and a hike next weekend. At my loud groan, Blaine teases me that I shouldn’t have left. He knows I’ll never get into that pool unless thrown in. And nature? Not the place I want to spend a weekend.

“If you wanted to see me with my shirt off, you could have just asked me.” I say close to his ear and nibble on his earlobe. “There’s no need for a pool party.”

Blaine shivers. “Is that so?” he asks with a raised eyebrow. “I want to see you with your shirt of.”

“You know how buttons work, right?” I say and Blaine takes the hint and starts unbuttoning my shirt. When they’re all undone he slowly pulls it off over my shoulders and down my arms. His index finger slowly traces a line down the middle of my chest to my bellybutton and up again.

I lean in close, tilt my head slightly to get the right angle and then I put my lips on his. The kiss starts out slow and soft. Blaine cups my cheek and pulls me in closer to deepen the kiss. I drape my arms around his neck and let my fingers play in his hair. This day has been so odd, but this here feels so right. This here makes it all worth it. Being with Blaine, kissing him and having him close with no one else around.

The kiss soon becomes hungry and heated and every fiber of my body is alive. I shut off my thoughts and let myself feel instead. I can feel my body’s reaction to Blaine’s touch and his kisses so much more intensely like this. As always when I’m this close to Blaine my heart starts beating unbelievingly fast. The skin on my arms where he keeps running his fingers up and down is vibrating. There are butterflies in my stomach fluttering like crazy. All of my blood seems to be heading south. 

Blaine’s tongue is in my mouth doing a delicious dance with mine. They’re swirling around each other, tasting every bit of each other. I shift and roll on top of him, aligning myself with him so we’re legs to legs, hips to hips, stomach to stomach, chest to chest. 

I look into his eyes. “Is this okay?”

“Yes.” He assures me. “This is perfect.” He bites his lips and looks so god damn adorably cute that I can’t help myself. I kiss him hard and grind down, carefully studying his reaction. Blaine closes his eyes and threads his fingers through my hair, pulling my face closer so that he can kiss me harder.

I place both of my hands on the bed beside Blaine’s face and slide up, slowly moving my erection against his. Small whimpers escape from Blaine as his hands slide down my back to land on my ass. When he bucks up and presses me down at the same time, we both gasp as our cocks rub against each other.

“We don’t have to do this.” I tell him and drop my forehead against his. If I could just lay here in my bed with him all night that would be enough. “It’s okay if we just go to slee-“

Blaine places his finger on my lips. “I want to do this Kurt. I want to touch you. Please.” There’s a tremble to his voice, but he still speaks the words with so much certainty that my whole body feels alive.

“Okay.” My answer is barely a whisper.

Blaine’s fingers slide in underneath my t-shirt and start tracing patterns at the small of my back. I can feel myself shiver at his touch and when he makes a small movement with his hip, causing our cocks to slightly rub against each other again, I’m the one letting out whimpers.

“You’re so beautiful.” Blaine whispers, his voice still a little shaky. He flips me over so that my back is pressed against the bed.

I want him. I want him so bad, but I know I have to go slow or I’ll risk embarrassing myself by coming before this has even started. I loosely place my hands on his ass, just feeling him move slowly above me.

Blaine starts trailing kisses along my jawline and down my neck. There is a spot on my neck that I didn’t know existed, but when he kisses me there the loud moans echoing in the room is definitely coming from my lips. When he starts sucking the skin there I totally lose it. I buck my hips up to meet his, all previous thoughts about going slow already forgotten. I slide one hand inside his shorts and I’m surprised when it’s met with bare skin.

“You’re not wearing any underwear?” 

Blaine lifts his face away from my neck and look down at me. “Me, Puck and Sam went swimming in our underwear before. They were wet so I took them of.”

“I like it.” I tell him and let my fingers explore the skin of his ass. “Is this okay?” I ask not really sure of how far he wants to take things.

“More than okay.” Blaine mumbles as he continues to kiss me. He kisses and licks his way down to my bellybutton. Nibbling and scratching his teeth against my skin as he goes. His breath feels cold against the overheated skin on my body as he carefully places small kisses from hipbone to hipbone. There are definitely moans and shivers and goosebumps on my part. 

Feeling that his mouth is a little too close to my now achingly hard cock, I pull him up again and kiss his lips. Even if I want this (I want this so badly!), I’ve still never done anything with anyone. I’m still a little nervous about taking this step. I’m trying not to think too much about it. I’m with Blaine and he makes me feel safer than any other person on this planet and that makes everything a little less scary.

Somewhere in the process of moving up to meet my lips, Blaine tugs his t-shirt over his head so that our bare chest are touching each other. Fuck. I never imagined it would feel this good to be skin to skin against someone. I pull him down and nuzzle my face against his neck. Anything to be closer to him and connect more of our flesh against each other.

I let my fingers skim over his back. His skin is soft but his muscles are firm. Even if my fingers have trailed over his back before I’ve never been this aware of how delicate his skin feels against my fingertips and how that makes me ache to touch every inch of his body.

Both my hands slide inside his shorts again, grab his ass and pull him down against me at the same time that I’m thrusting up against him. Our cocks rub against each other and we both moan and pant at the delicious friction.

This is heaven. This must be what heavens feels like. I’m sure because I’ve never felt anything more heavenly than this. But I want to feel more.

I remove one hand from his shorts and move it in between us. I slide it down between his legs and cup him above his shorts. Blaine gasps and detaches his hips from mine so that I can move my hand up and down his length freely. I’m stroking his hard cock and becoming even more turned on by the feel of him in my hand.

“ _Shit Kurt…_ ” Blaine moans as his breathing becomes heavier. He bites his lips and looks down at my hand touching him. He groans loudly when my grip becomes firmer and my motions faster. “ _Oh god that feels so good…_ ”

I continue to stroke him for a few seconds longer before I pull him down beside me on the bed so that we’re lying on our sides facing each other. Blaine whimpers when my hand loses contact with his cock, and he thrusts his hips forward to regain that connection. I want to wrap my arms and legs around him so that our chests are flush against each other and just hold him for all eternity. But more than that, I want to see him naked.

My hand moves to the button of his shorts where I stop. I look at him. “Can I?”

“Yes.” He breathes out in a shaky breath.

“Are you sure?” I ask to make sure. “We don’t have to…”

“I already told you I want this.” Blaine says. “It’s your turn to trust me now.”

“Okay.” I say and start unbuttoning his shorts, my hands fumbling a little.

“The thought of you stopping now…” Blaine trails of as if there aren’t words to describe what will happen to him if I don’t continue what I’ve started. “God, I want your hands on me so much Kurt.”

I close my eyes and hold my breath as I realize that once his shorts are off he will be completely naked. It makes me a little nervous, but mostly excited. I’ve seen him naked before but never like this, never being hard. And suddenly the loose sweatpants I put on before I fell asleep feel too tight.

I sit up and unzip his shorts before I slide them off. And there he is – naked. I can’t take my eyes away from his cock. I’ve imagined how he would look like this, but reality far exceeds my fantasies. He’s hard and big, pink head against olive skin. I want to touch it, but can’t seem to get my body to move or do anything. I’m too distracted by the beautiful sight in front of me.

“Like what you see?” Blaine smirks.

“Your cock is beautiful.” I hear myself say and I know I blush. _God, where did that come from?_

Blaine starts to giggle and I turn crimson and hide my face in my hands. He sits up beside me and removes my hands and I’m met with the most beautiful smile. “I’m sure yours is too. Come here.”

Blaine lays down on his back on the bed again and I lay down beside him. He lets go of a breath when I wrap my hand around his cock. I move my hand tentatively up and down and look up at him. He has his hands in his hair and his eyes clearly focused on my hand. I follow his glance and look back down at my hand as I move it down to his base and then up again, smoothing my thumb over the head, smearing precome across it.

“ _Fuck…_ ” Blaine mumbles as he watches my hand slowly stroking him up and down. “ _Oh god…_ ” He closes his eyes and chews on his bottom lip as he lets the sensation overtake his mind.

I lay my head on his chest and look down. I can’t take my eyes off of him, off of us. His cock feels heavy in my hand and I love the feeling. It’s so much different from touching myself. So intense and intimate. I increase the speed with which my fist moves up and down his cock. That causes Blaine to arch his back up of the bed.

“S-stop Kurt.” Blaine’s words are so unexpected, I retract my hand as though it’s been burned.

I turn my head up to look at him. “I’m sorry, was that… was that not… Did you change your mind?” 

Blaine chuckles. “No Kurt,” he says softly, “I just need you to stop before I embarrass myself and come all over your hand before I even have the chance to touch you.”

“Oh…” I say and blush. Why I’m blushing I’m not sure but maybe it’s the thought of me doing that to him. Bringing him right to the edge. Or maybe it’s the thought of him touching me.

Blaine pulls me up and crashes our lips together in a heated kiss, a kiss that leaves me breathless when he pulls away. “You’re incredible Kurt.”

“You’re incredible too.”

“I haven’t even done anything to you. Yet.”

“Yet?” I say with an arched eyebrow.

“You’re wearing too many clothes for that.” Blaine says with a smirk. “I want to see you.”

“Okay.” I nod and Blaine sits up and hooks his fingers inside the hem of my sweatpants. In one second Blaine will see just how hard I am, how turned on I am by him and as thrilling as that is, it still makes me nervous.

I close my eyes as Blaine removes the sweatpants and I feel his eyes on my now almost naked body, only my underwear is shielding me from complete nakedness. Blaine is still and silent and I don’t know what’s going through his mind, but I don’t dare to open my eyes and look at him. 

“You’re beautiful Kurt.”

He leans down and captures my lips in a kiss. When his hand moves down and starts stroking me above my underwear, I have soon forgotten all about my nerves because damn it feels so good. I bite lightly at his lower lip, trying but failing in holding back my moans. 

“ _Shit Blaine…_ ”

His mouth finds his way back to that spot on my neck where he nibbles at the sensitive skin before sucking lightly there. My nails dig into the flesh on his back as I try to lay still under the man I love. The man that is doing the most exquisite things to my body. It’s all too much, his hand on my cock and his lips on my neck, but still it’s not enough.

“Touch me.” I beg him.

“Yes…” Blaine exhales and his hands pull down my underwear without any hesitation.

I’m naked. Blaine’s eyes roam over my body, his tongue darting out to lick his bottom lips unconsciously. He places one hand beside my head and takes my cock in the other. He starts moving it up and down slowly, his thumb sliding along the thick vein on the underside of my cock and rubbing across the head.

I lift my head slightly so that I can see him stroking me. “ _Oh god Blaine._ ” I moan. I have to bite my tongue so that I don’t shout out with pleasure. I’ve never felt anything close to this. “ _S-so good._ ” I close my eyes and lean my head back against the pillow. A deep moan escapes my lips. Blaine runs his tongue along my jawline and then nibbles at my earlobe.

I feel his hot breath against my ear as he whispers to me. “Your cock _is_ beautiful.” My eyes fly open in surprise. Blaine is looking at me with a devilish smile. “I only speak the truth.” He says and chuckles.

“You’re crazy.” I tell him with a small laugh and shake my head a little from side to side. Blaine tightens his grip around my cock, making me clutch the sheets and thrust up in his hand. “ _Fuck…_ ”

“I might go crazy if you don’t touch me again.”

“I don’t want to be responsible for that.” I say playfully and move my hand down to wrap it around his cock. I match my speed with his

We both look down at our hands touching each other. “Fuck, that’s hot.” Blaine says and I can only agree. I can’t decide which is hottest – him touching me and driving me closer much faster than I’d like. Or me touching him, making him moan and lose rhythm.

“I’m s-so close.” I mumble, trying to no use to hold off my orgasm. I wanted this to last much longer, but it’s too good, too exquisite, for me to be able to do anything but warn Blaine. 

“Me too,” Blaine whimpers, “so close Kurt.”

I stroke him harder, faster, needing to get him there before I do.

“ _Shit Kurt! Shit… shit… shit… Oh fuck!_ ” Blaine moans as his orgasm washes over him and he spills his cum all over my stomach. He looks beautiful with his eyes closed, lost in the moment, as he keeps coming. 

I’ve imagined many things when it comes to Blaine. What it would be like to kiss him. What it would be like to touch him and how it would feel when he touched me. But the sounds Blaine’s making while coming for some reason isn’t one of them. But man do I want to hear those sounds again. It’s the most sinful and erotic thing I’ve ever heard in my life, and I come just seconds after him.

“ _Oh god, shit... yes, Blaine!_ ” I don’t care if I’m loud, I can’t hold it in as my stomach clenches and I spill my cum over Blaine’s hand. I don’t know where he finds the sanity to stay in the moment and strokes me through it, but he does. It’s the most intense orgasm I have ever experienced and it seems to last forever. Everything around me disappears for a good fifteen seconds. Fifteen seconds where I only exist in this beautiful orgasm.

I’m brought out of it when Blaine collapses on top of me, unable to hold himself up anymore. He rests his forehead against mine and pants heavily. I lie still beneath him, only trailing my fingers up and down his sweat slick back. “Shit Kurt,” he repeats, “that was… wow. I never knew it could feel like this.” 

Somehow that makes me proud. I did that to him. I made him feel things that neither of his exes made him feel. The way he says those words with so much love and sincerity, makes my heart swell. I love him so much and even though I know this is going to be a bumpy ride, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I wouldn’t trade this for an easier relationship with a guy who’s got it all figured out.

“That was good right?” Blaine asks and I realize that I haven’t said anything.

“You’re amazing.” I say. “ _That_ was fucking amazing.”

A proud smile spreads across Blaine’s face. He reaches down beside the bed and picks up his t-shirt. He uses it to clean us up and then throws it away in a corner. “Cuddle?” he asks and moves in close to me.

“Oh god yes.” I say and shift so that I’m resting my head on his chest. 

Blaine chuckles and run his fingers through my hair. We lay like that for several minutes without saying anything. "You make me happy Kurt.” Blaine says eventually. “I haven’t felt like this since… ever.” 

I tilt my head up and meat his lips in a kiss. “You make me happy too.”

Blaine turns out the light and places a kiss on my hair. “Good night Kurt.”

“Can you sing me to sleep?” I ask, trying to stifle a yawn.

“Anything for you.” Blaine whispers in the dark.

I relax into the comfort of Blaine’s arms, close my eyes and let the sound of his smooth voice rock me to sleep.

_Wise men say, only fools rush in_  
_But I can’t help falling in love with you_  
_Shall I stay?_  
_Would it be a sin?_  
_If I can’t help falling in love with you_

_Like a river flows, surely to the sea_  
_Darling so it goes_  
_Some things are meant to be_  
_Take my hand, take my whole life too_  
_For I can’t help falling in love with you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is obviously _Can't help falling in love_ by UB40 (or Elvis Presley or which other version you prefer, but in my head I hear the UB40 version).  
>  Next chapter probably won't be up until next week because it's another long one and editing takes time. Although comments might make me work faster ;)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys... wow... your comments on the last chapter... Can I just say I love you all! Thank you all for leaving such sweet comments!  
> I tried to finish this chapter and get it up sooner, but I only have like a few hours each night to work on this (I wish I could spend much more time on it, because I love doing this). There was a ot of editing work to be done in it, especially since I changed some things in the last chapter and needed to make modifications to this one as well to keep with the story. I deleted a whole scene with Blaine and his mom (because it didn't make sense anymore), deleted 3 pages and still ended up with more words than when I started. So here's another 12k words in this little story, this time from Blaine's POV. It's all smut, fluff and Burt. I hope you enjoy it!

**Blaine, Sunday July 3rd 2012, 11.11 am**

I slowly wake up to the sensation of Kurt placing small kisses on my nose and chin. My arms and legs are all wrapped around him, and I wonder if we’ve been sleeping like this all night because this is how I remember us falling asleep. I pretend to still be asleep just because it’s cozy to lay here and have my faced kissed by the most amazing person on this planet.

“I know you’re awake.” Kurt says softly while running his fingers through my hair.

“I’m not.” I say and try not to smile.

Kurt places another kiss on my nose, and then another one on each eyelid and finally one on my lips. “Why won’t you open your eyes?”

“Because I don’t want you to stop doing that.” I say and pull him closer to me. “And if I open my eyes, it will be morning, you will force me out of bed, and then there will be no more kisses. So, I’m not awake. I’m still asleep and you can continue to kiss me. See? Very logical.”

There’s a soft chuckle coming from Kurt. “You’re such a goof.”

“No, I just like you kissing me. Can’t really be blamed for that, can I?”

“Yeah? You like this?” Kurt asks with a smile in his voice and continues to place kisses on my neck and chest.

“Love it.”

Kurt moves, so that he’s lying on top of me, and I immediately become aware that we’re both still naked.

“You like this too?” Kurt asks teasingly, and I’m pretty sure he can feel just what his attention is doing to me.

“Mm hmm.” 

Kurt starts moving his body slowly above mine. The friction it’s creating against my dick is heavenly, and I definitely like where this is going. 

“And this?”

“Please don’t stop.” I whimper, still with my eyes closed.

I had so many hesitations about going here with Kurt, but being here in his bed, feeling his lips and body on mine… It’s like the most natural thing, and I don’t know why I was hesitating. It doesn’t feel strange or awkward or any of the things I imagined. It feels good, and I want to experience this with him, to be this close to him. I want to find out all the ways to make him moan and his body quiver with pleasure. I love how he makes it feel safe to want these things, but also to not want them. I know if I tell him to stop, he will stop immediately, and that’s enough for me to not want to stop.

Kurt reaches down his hand between my legs. He runs his thumb along the underside of my cock and I draw in a quick, shaky breath. There’s something about Kurt touching me that makes everything else seem unimportant. It’s exciting and it leaves me a little breathless. His thumb moves across the head of my cock and down the slit. I push my head back against the pillow and let out a deep groan. It feels fucking amazing; there’s no other way to describe it. I’ve never experienced desire like this, not with anyone. 

He takes my cock in his hand and starts stroking me up and down. “ _Shit Kurt_.” I breathe out.

“You like this, too?” Kurt asks in a smug voice, knowing full well that I do. I grunt some sort of reply to him, I can’t really talk right now. He runs his thumb across my slit again, spreading pre-cum across the head. When Kurt increases the speed of his hand, I’m totally gone. There aren’t any coherent thoughts after that. I’m so close to coming already. 

“I really like your cock.” 

“ _Fuck!_ ” I exclaim and dig my fingertips into the flesh of his back, needing something to hold on to. His words make all the blood leave my brain along with all oxygen, driving me even closer to my imminent orgasm.

“It’s so nice and big and beautiful. I love touching you and making you feel good. I’m going to make you feel this good so many times Blaine.”

“ _Kurt!_ ” I call out as I come all over his hand. He keeps stroking me throughout my orgasm, until I have to pull away from his touch. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I just…

“Shit Kurt, when did you learn to talk like that?” I ask after an eternity when I’m finally able put words together again.

“What? You don’t like it?” Kurt asks innocently. When I open my eyes, I see the same smug expression in his face that I hear in his voice.

“You know I do.” I growl and drag him into a kiss. “I like everything you do to me. I like everything about you.”

Kurt kisses me back. He slides his tongue between my lips and connects it with mine. Kurt begins to pull away, but I chase after him, keeping our mouths connected for a little bit longer. Our tongues twist around each other, and then out of nowhere, I feel a want to twist my tongue around something else. I thought I would feel weird about this, but I don’t think it will be. Because it’s Kurt. It’s one of those things that scared me before, when I realized I had these feelings for him. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do this, if I could do this without feeling weird about it. I mean it’s another guy’s cock, and I never expected to want to taste one. But with Kurt, everything is different, and the thought doesn’t scare me as much. It actually excites me. It turns me on, and now it’s all I can think about. 

I want so many things with him. It’s a little overwhelming, to want it all so fast when yesterday it made me panic just thinking about it. I’ve never felt this with any of my exes; this desire to give myself completely to someone and take everything they have to give in return. But I guess that’s what falling in love is all about. Wanting things you never wanted before with someone you never expected to want those things with. Wanting everything and wanting it now. Even if I haven’t got it all figured out yet, Kurt makes it feel safe to want these things because he wants them too. 

I flip him over so that he’s laying down on the bed. I kiss his nose, his lips and continue to kiss my way down his chest and stomach. I take my time worshipping his body. I want to know everything about it, how it feels to lick his skin, what it tastes like, how it reacts when I flick my tongue across his nipples or lick into his belly button.

Kurt squirms impatiently under my investigative tongue. He doesn’t say anything, but I can tell this is sweet torture for him. His cock twitches when I drag my tongue from his belly button to his hip, and suck on his hip bone. Yesterday, he pulled me up when I was kissing him here, but today he doesn’t, and I take that as a sign to continue. Ignoring the one part of his body that desperately wants my attention, I place kisses up and down the inside of his thigh. I stop at the crease of his thigh, sucking and licking at the soft skin there.

I hear Kurt’s head drop back onto the pillow, not before being aware that he’s been watching me as I’ve been too caught up in his body. Kurt moans my name and thrusts his hips frustratedly up into the air. His body and mind screaming for more, but I’m not finished with my worshipping just yet. I move over to kiss the inside of his other thigh, trailing kisses up his leg until I’m by his cock. Kurt is breathing out in quick, short breaths that catch in his throat when I lick the underside of his cock. I run my tongue testingly across the head of his cock, tasting the salty bead of pre-cum gathered there. It’s a little weird, licking him and tasting him, but it also feels exciting and something I want to do. I don’t know what I was expecting this to be like, but I have no intention of stopping now.

I look up at Kurt, checking to see if he’s okay with this. When he gives me a small nod, I push his legs slightly more apart and take the head of his cock into my mouth.

“ _Shit, that’s good_.” Kurt whispers and bucks up. His cock slides into the back of my mouth. I wasn't expecting that and start coughing.

“Hold still.” I tell him.

“Shit, I’m sorry Blaine.” Kurt says, his hands running soothingly through my hair. “You’re just so...” I see him closing his eyes, not finding his words.

“So you like it?” I say, letting out a breath of air on his cock.

Kurt shivers. “Don’t tease me now, Blaine.” Kurt says with a note of warning and desperation in his voice. His hands move from my hair to his own, pulling slightly at it.

He must be as excited about this as I am, judging by his reactions. Even if I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, it spurs me on to continue. I run my tongue along the slit of his cock before I sink my mouth halfway down again. I pin his hips down as I start moving up and down his length. 

“ _Oh God_.” Kurt mumbles as I lick up the head and sink lower down. I can’t take my eyes off of him, mesmerized by his reactions.

I suck the head and swirl my tongue around it, not really sure of what feels best for Kurt. Judging by the way he looks and the sounds he’s making, it’s not so much what I’m doing but rather the fact that I’m doing it at all that seems to have him clutching his sheets and writhing against the bed while quietly moaning my name. 

Tasting his pre-cum is a complete turn on, and I’m already hard again. I ignore that and instead push his legs further apart. I suck him long and slowly, reveling in the way his body reacts to me taking him a little deeper.

There’s a lot of moans and cute little whimpers as Kurt is struggling to lay still. I enjoy watching him struggle way too much, and it makes me want to suck him a little harder, making him writhe even more. Then his hands are back in my hair trying to pull me away. “I’m close Blaine.” 

But I don’t pull off, not yet. Instead, I take one of his hands in mine and twine our fingers together, while sucking harder.

" _Blaine_ ," Kurt gasps, squeezing my hand tighter, " _too good… you’re too good at this._ "

I slow down my pace, sucking him hard but slowly, teasing my tongue around his head. My free hand moves up his body to flick his nipple, making him moan loudly.

“ _Fuck…_ I’m gonna come…”

I pull off, use one hand to stroke him through his orgasm while stroking my thumb over the back of the hand holding my other. My face is close to his cock, and I watch intently as he comes. 

The sensation of seeing Kurt come is intense but also very beautiful, more so than I could have imagined. 

“Wow… Blaine… I...” Kurt says as he lays there all spent on his bed. His head still resting on his pillow, eyes on the ceiling. “Are you sure you haven’t done that before, because that was… wow.”

I chuckle softly at him, feeling a little proud about making him unable to find words to describe what I just did to him. “Pretty sure that was my first time.”

“Could have fooled me.”

I sit up on my knees and look at him; his eyes the color of the brightest blue this morning. It’s a beautiful sight to take in. One I hope to enjoy for many mornings to come. I bring our twined fingers up to my lips and kiss them and then I lay down next to him. 

We’re both sticky and messy, but I couldn’t care less as I pull him close to me. Kurt turns slightly and looks at his phone on the nightstand. “We should probably make an appearance upstairs.”

I don’t want to go upstairs. I don’t want to have breakfast with Burt, not after what we just did. I’m sure he’ll figure it out and tease us about it. “Can’t we just stay down here all day?”

“My dad will want to know that we’re okay.” Kurt says and kisses my lips. “I told him about you leaving after we just got together, and I want him to know we worked things out.”

“Can’t you just text him?” I try even though I know there’s no escaping this. I understand it’s physically impossible for us to stay here for the rest of eternity, but I can’t be blamed for never wanting to leave this bed, can I?

“No, silly.” Kurt says and gives me another sweet little kiss; one I try to deepen to convince him that my idea is better than his. But Kurt pulls away with a cute smile. It’s hard to say no to him when he looks at me like that. “I want to tell him. Besides, he’s the only one who knows about us so you can hold my hand and kiss me as much as you like.”

“I’m not going to kiss you in front of your dad!” I say with slight panic in my voice. Kurt looks at me with a raised eyebrow as if to say _why not?_ “He’s your dad, and he’s almost my dad, too.” I say, because that pretty much explains why.

“And?” Kurt asks uncomprehendingly.

“You’d be okay with that?”

“Yes, you’re my boyfriend, and I want him to see how happy you make me. I have nothing to hide.”

I look away from him, my belly turning into knots. It’s true. I’m the one who is hiding. Kurt is open and out whereas I am still hiding who I am to everyone. He said he was okay with us keeping our relationship to ourselves, but what if he’s really not. I’m sure he’d prefer us to be open with our relationship, but I just can’t. I want to for his sake, but I’m still figuring a lot of things out in my head. Like am I gay or am I bi? Or neither? Is it just because it’s Kurt or would I eventually fall in love with another guy? I can’t imagine myself with a guy who isn’t Kurt, but who knows. If I don’t have the answers myself, how can I explain it to others? 

“Blaine? What’s wrong?” Kurt asks in a soft voice, stroking his fingers through my hair.

“Nothing.” I say still looking away from him.

“Come on, talk to me. We said we wouldn’t do this.”

Reluctantly, I turn so that I’m lying on my side, facing him again. I decide to be honest. Even if I find it difficult to talk about stuff like this, I did promise Kurt that I’d try. “I’m sorry that I still have things I need to hide…”

“No! That’s not at all what I meant Blaine. I didn’t mean to imply that you had something to hide.” He puts a hand on my chest, just above my heart, and locks eyes with me. “I don’t care if you’re out or not baby, I thought I made that clear to you. I only care about you and me, and that we know what we have. That we know how special this is. Forget about what I said about holding hands and kissing. We don’t have to do that if you don’t want to, unless we are alone because then I want to kiss the hell out of you.”

“Baby, huh?”

“That is what you picked up from all I just said?” Kurt says unbelievingly and rolls his eyes playfully.

“You’ve never called me baby before. I think I like it.”

“Good,” Kurt says and smiles, “then I’m going to keep calling you that.” He leans in, and our lips meet in a kiss. I part my lips slightly, and Kurt’s tongue quickly slides in and meets with mine. I pull him close to me and press my body against his, but Kurt quickly pulls away from me. That was unexpected, and I look at him questioningly.

Kurt frowns and points down at the sheets between us. “Eww, wet spot.”

I smile at him “Come here.” I pull him on top of me. I don’t care about wet spots. “This better?”

“Much better.” He says and rewards me with a kiss. “But I should get up and shower.”

I pout. “I prefer this to going upstairs.” I grab his ass with both my hands and knead a little bit while thrusting my hip up so that our cocks slide together. I’m still a little amazed that I’m lying here naked with Kurt, and it feels so natural. It feels like I haven’t done anything else in my life even though we just started.

“ _Argh_ , please stop or we will never get out of here.” Kurt groans pressing his hips back down as if he has no plan at all to listen to his own words.

“Kind of my plan.” I add smugly and find his lips with mine. I run my fingers from his ass up his spine and entangle them in his soft hair. I wrap my legs around his, holding him in place, and start grinding up against him.

“Baby.” Kurt says warningly in a dark voice filled with lust.

“Please, don’t make me stop.” Feeling my hard cock rub against his with nothing separating us has me so turned on. “Fifteen minutes is all I’m asking for.”

“ _God Blaine, so good_.” Kurt moans. “This won’t take me more than five minutes.” 

“I know,” I whimper, “fifteen minutes was just wishful thinking.”

Kurt joins in my rocking rhythm, and we soon find a pace that works for the both of us. It’s a little rough, and we probably need to buy some lube if we’re going to keep doing this. And I do hope that we are, cause _God it feels good_. I let go of his hair and trail my fingers down his back again until I reach his ass and gently squeeze it. 

I testingly trace a finger down his crack, and Kurt responds with a gasp. I run my finger up again, and this time Kurt moans what I think is baby and increases the speed at which he is rocking against me. I slide my finger in between his cheeks and press it lightly against his hole. The sound Kurt makes can’t really be described with words, but it’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard. So I do it again, this time pressing a little firmer.

“ _Fuck Blaine!... keep… shit… keep doing that_.”

His lips find my neck, and he starts nibbling and sucking at the sensitive skin there. It feels delicious, and I’m pretty sure I’m moaning as well. I tip my head to the side to give him better access. Kurt kisses and licks and sucks on me at the same time our cocks rub against each other, and I circle my finger around his hole. It’s so intense and exquisite. I wished it didn’t have to end this soon.

“I’m really close.” I say a little embarrassed. 

“Me too.” Kurt breathes out in a whisper. “Don’t stop.”

“Never.” I say, but I can’t really control the orgasm that is now flowing through my body, making me tremble with pleasure. Kurt follows only seconds later, and soon we’re just a heaving, sticky, tangled pile of bodies. 

Several moments later, when we’ve both got our breathings under control, Kurt lifts his head from my chest and smile at me.

“I think I can get used to waking up like this.” I say.

“I think this will be my favorite way to wake you up from now on. “ Kurt chuckles. “But now I really need to take that shower.” He says with a little disgusted frown as he looks down at the mess between our bodies.

“Me too.”

“I think I better shower alone.” Kurt says when I make an effort to get up. “I don’t trust you or my body when it’s around you.” I pout, but I’m so spent after coming twice that I don’t think I could come again even if Kurt tempted me. “We’re good, right?” Kurt asks concerned. “You’re not upset about what I said before, because I really didn’t mean to imply that--”

“We’re good.” I say and kiss him to quiet him. “We’re more than good.”

“Good.” Kurt rolls off of me and reaches for his phone on the nightstand. He places his face close to mine and takes a picture of us.

“What are you doing?” I ask. “We look like a mess.” I say thinking about Kurt’s unruly hair (mine probably even more so) and our flushed cheeks.

“I want to remember our first morning as boyfriends.” Kurt says. “I know it’s sappy, but I want to save little memories like this for the future.”

“It’s not sappy, it’s sweet.” I say and place a kiss on his forehead. And it’s so Kurt. He is after all the guy who loves romance, and I can already picture him making scrapbooks with cute pictures of us in it. And I will secretly love looking through them with him for the hundredth time even if I’ll roll my eyes at him for taking them out one more time.

Kurt gets up from the bed and frowns once again when he sees the sticky mess on his chest and stomach. I sit up on my knees and take the sheet to wipe most of it off him.

“Having a boyfriend is definitely going to be hell on my laundry. I’m just glad I’m the one doing it and not Dad.” Kurt says with a smile before disappearing into the bathroom.

I change the sheets and pick up my clothes from the floor. When Kurt returns, I give him a swift kiss and hurry to the bathroom. After a quick shower, I dry my hair in front of the mirror and that’s when I spot it, a big hickey on my neck. I forget all about putting my clothes on and hurry back out to Kurt.

“Look what you did.” I scowl at Kurt.

Kurt smiles a smug smile “I know.”

“You marked me!” 

“I know.”

“I can’t go out like this! Everyone will see it and know.” I can’t believe he did that. And on purpose.

“Know what? Relax, put on a button down and nobody will see it. And if they do see it, nobody will guess that I’m the one who put it there.”

“I don’t wear shirts.” I state matter-of-factly.

“Then wear a turtleneck.” Kurt thinks he’s funny. I don’t find this funny at all. “Oh, stop being such a drama queen, Blaine. Come here, we’ll find you something that covers it.” Kurt says and takes my hand and pulls me in close. He places a feather light kiss on my hickey, and I shiver. 

Okay, so maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I don’t mind that much, maybe I even find it a little sexy. But the thought of having to explain how I got it to my friends, because Sam and Puck will definitely see and ask, freaks me out a little bit.

“I like it. It looks good on you.” Kurt whispers into my ear. “I’d like to mark other parts of your body as well.”

Unbelievingly his words go straight to my cock. “Look what you’re doing to me.” I groan, and Kurt smiles that smug smile again.

“I also like the fact that I have that effect on you, and that I’m the only one who gets to see you like this.” He takes my cock in his hand and starts stroking it slowly.

I groan again. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but please stop. I can’t do this again.” Kurt immediately let’s go, and I can’t help the whimper that passes through my lips. 

“Do you want me to stop or not?” Kurt asks with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t mind continuing.”

“Don’t tempt me, Kurt. I just showered.” Truthfully, I am really tempted to let him continue what he started, but I don’t know how I’d manage to stay awake the rest of the day if he makes me come one more time. “Let’s just get dressed and go upstairs.” I say even though it’s the last thing I actually want to do. But there’s no avoiding it I guess.

Kurt picks out a red polo shirt from his wardrobe for me to wear, and even though I’m not really comfortable in it, it does its job in hiding the hickey. 

The minute we open the door leading from the basement to the rest of the house, Burt calls for us.

“Boys, can you come in here.” It’s not so much a question, more of a demand. I feel like I’m twelve years old and just got myself in trouble. Kurt and I look at each other questioningly. Kurt shrugs as if to say that he has no clue either what’s going on. He takes my hand and give it a reassuring squeeze before he lets go and walks in front of me into the kitchen. He stops in his tracks so abruptly that I almost walk into him.

“Dad, no.” Kurt groans.

I look over his shoulder to see what’s going on. I want to turn around and walk out the door and never face Burt again. Burt is sitting by the kitchen table with a package of condoms in front of him.

“Yes, Kurt.” Burt says. “Sit down, please. The both of you.”

Even from behind, I can see Kurt’s cheek and neck turning into a deeper shade of pink. “I don’t think I should-“ I start but Burt cuts me off.

“Yes, you too Blaine. Sit down.”

We do as we’re told and sit down next to each other across the table from Burt, like two twelve year olds in trouble waiting for their punishment. I know that’s not what this is about, but that’s how it feels. I find Kurt’s hand under the table and intertwine my fingers with his. I’d rather disappear from the surface of this earth than to have this conversation with Burt.

Burt clears his throat. “Okay… I know at your age sex is very appealing and probably all you think about-“

“Dad _please…_ ” Kurt groans.

“No, let me finish, this won’t take long. I have prepared this speech the entire morning, probably being rude to some of my customers in the process, so now you have to sit and listen.” Burt continues. I’m so embarrassed that I can’t look at either of them. I focus my gaze on the one hand that I have in front of me on the table. “So, ehm… sex is good, it feels great and once you start doing it you’re not going to want to stop, I remember what it’s like being a teenager. But you also need to be careful, with each other and with… ehm… well you need to protect yourselves.” Burt says and pushes the package of condoms across the table to Kurt. Kurt just stares at the package but doesn’t touch it. “So I got you these.”

“Dad, we haven’t…” Kurt trails off.

Burt raises his palms. “I don’t need to know any details. You’ll both be adults soon, and I don’t want to know what you do in private, but Blaine just spent the night…”

“Burt, I promise you, we didn’t-“ I start, feeling like I need to assure him that I haven’t taken advantage of his son.

Burt raises his hands again. “Again, I don’t want to know. But you are both my sons, I want you to protect each other, and protect yourselves. When you do decide to take that step, I want you to be prepared.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Kurt says, mortified, and takes the package in his hand. “I’m just going to put these away somewhere else…”

He leaves the room, and I’m left alone with Burt, which feels even worse than sitting through his little speech with Kurt by my side. It feels like he’s seizing me up and figuring out everything Kurt and I did last night and this morning, like he just knows. I need to say something, but I can’t think of anything to say to him in this moment. There is an awkward silence between us that seems to stretch on forever.

“So, ehm, how’s your mom?” Burt finally asks.

“Great!” I say a little too eagerly, but I’m so relieved at the change of topic. “She’s good. She’s got a new boyfriend.”

“Yeah, Kurt told me about that. How’s that for you?”

“It’s okay.” I answer. “I’ve only met him twice, but he seems to be one of the good ones, so I’m happy for her.” After my first meeting with Donald, I met up with him and my mom a week later at the diner, and maybe it will be one of these weekly things where we hang out and get to know each other.

“You know you can come to me and talk to me anytime, right? About anything. Even if it is about Kurt. I know that might be strange for you because I’m his dad, but I sort of feel like your dad too. I want you to know that you can come and talk to me just the same way Kurt can.”

Right now, I’m so grateful to have met the Hummel family. They’re such a big part of my life, and in them I’ve found my best friend, my boyfriend and a father figure.

“Thank you Burt,” I say sincerely, “that means a lot of me. I want you to know that Kurt and I aren’t rushing into anything. We talked a lot yesterday about what we want and about how we feel. I know I have more experience than Kurt, but this is new territory for the both of us, and I’m not pressuring Kurt to do anything he doesn’t want to.”

Burt chuckles. “Thanks for telling me that Blaine, but I’m not worried about Kurt. I know you’d never disrespect him, and if you tried, he would put you in place. I hope he respects you, too.”

“Of course, he does.” I assure him. “Kurt is the most honorable person I know.”

“Good, that’s the way I raised him.” Burt professes. “I’m more worried about you. When we talked on Friday, you didn’t seem to be quite sure how you were feeling about all of this. I guess that has changed now, though.”

I don’t know how to answer that. So I don’t. Burt doesn’t seem to expect an answer either. Instead he gets up from his chair and crosses the floor to the stove where he has something cooking. 

“What does your mom say about all of this?”

“Ehm… I haven’t told her…”

“Oh…kay. I see. I guess you haven’t had the chance to tell her yet, this is rather new.” 

“I don’t intend to tell her. Or anyone…” It’s hard confessing this to Burt, because now he’s going to think…

“Why? Are you ashamed of being with Kurt?” Burt looks confused. That was the exact reaction I dreaded, but I think I owe it to him to tell the truth.

“Dad, don’t.” Kurt enters the room again and stares at his dad. He then turns to me. “You don’t have to explain yourself to him. You and I understand what we have, that’s enough for me. I don’t care what everyone else knows or thinks.”

I wonder how I became so lucky to have Kurt in my life. He gets me and he reassures me that I’m enough for him, in any way, shape or form I come. He’s such a strong and beautiful person, inside and out. It’s a sharp contrast to how I feel about myself.

“It’s okay, Kurt” I assure him and then turn my gaze back to Burt. “There’s still things that I’m figuring out in my head. Some parts of this is still confusing for me. I wish it weren’t so for Kurt’s sake.”

“I’ve told you it doesn’t bother me.” He walks over to where I sit and puts his hand on my shoulder. I place my hand on top of his and give him a small smile. I really wish I weren’t this confused about who I am and scared about admitting to other people who I might be. Especially since I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is I’m scared they will say or do. Normally, I don’t care about what other people think, but with this, me and Kurt, I do.

“As long as you both are comfortable and content with your choices, I have nothing to say.” Burt says, but I can’t wonder if I’ve disappointed him.

“We are.” Kurt says confidently, and my heart swells. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve him.

We finally sit down to eat breakfast (or lunch for Burt). After breakfast/lunch, Burt heads back to his shop and Kurt and I are left alone in the house. I’m too tired to even think to take advantage of that. Last night after Kurt had fallen asleep, I lay awake for hours. There were too many thoughts spinning around in my head. Thoughts about myself, about me and Kurt, and how we’re going to navigate through all of this. Thoughts about me not being enough for him, about him giving up on too much to be with me. 

And there were definitely thoughts about how he’d given me the best orgasm of my life.

Now I’m too tired to do anything but curl up next to Kurt on his bed and fall asleep.

-x-x-

When I wake up again, I’m still lying with my head resting on Kurt’s chest. I lie still, listening to his even heartbeat. Kurt is awake. He’s gently playing with my hair, running his fingers through my curls. I want to lie here forever, never leave his bed and never face the rest of the world.

Kurt’s phone buzzes on his nightstand. He shifts slightly as he reaches over to take it. He looks at it and then puts it down again. His fingers return to my hair, and I feel goosebumps forming on my neck from his touch. I still can’t believe that I’m here with Kurt in his bed. That we’re here together.

Kurt’s phone buzzes again, and again he picks it up, looks at it and lays it back down again. When this happens a third time, my curiosity gets the better of me.

“Who are you ignoring?” I ask.

“Oliver.” Kurt answers shortly.

“He’s still texting you?” I ask not liking it at all. I don’t know why his name has this effect on me, I know nothing happened, but still, hearing his name makes me see red.

“Yes, but I haven’t answered any of his texts.”

“What does he want?”

“To see me again. He wants me to come to Columbus so that he can show me _his city_.” Kurt says making air quotes around _his city_.

“Tell him to back off, that you’re not interested.” I huff.

“I thought you didn’t want me to have any contact with him?”

“Well I don’t want him to keep texting you either.” All I can think about is how easily Kurt could have ended up dating Oliver instead of me. He could have been with a guy who isn’t afraid to show him his city, walk hand in hand with him openly, who isn’t afraid to show who he is. Who wouldn’t make Kurt have a secret relationship. Honestly, it scares me and makes me insecure and I don’t want him anywhere near Kurt.

“Blaine, what do you want?”

“For him to leave you alone.”

Kurt shifts on the bed so that he’s lying on his side facing me. He puts a finger under my chin and tilt my head up so that I’m forced to look at him.

“You know I don’t like him, right? I’ve told you this. I only want you, nobody else.” He places a soft kiss on my lips. “I’m in love with _you_.”

I kiss him back. On an intellectual level I know this, but there’s still this lingering feeling of unease that I can’t quite explain.

“What is it about him that makes you react like this every time his name is mentioned?” Kurt asks.

I sigh. “He can give you everything you want without asking you to hide it from the world.”

“He can’t. I want you, and he can’t give me that. How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t care about the rest of the world? I want you, in whichever way I can. I’m in love with you, not the fact that other people know about it.”

“But he could-“

“He can do nothing to me. That position isn’t vacant anymore. I’m going to text him and tell him that our date was nice, but I’m not interested in following it up with a second date. Is that okay with you?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Kurt?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“Being insecure. For not being everything you deserve.” I hate myself right now. I don’t want to be like this.”

“Will you stop it. Look at me and listen to what I say because this is the last time we’re discussing this. I only want you. Fuck everyone and everything else.”

There’s this moment between us where we just look at each other. I feel so much for the man lying next to me, and it’s as if we’re so solid already, as if nothing can come between us. But for how long will Kurt put up with me? How long will he be okay with hiding his feelings? I don’t voice my questions because I don’t want him to get more upset with me. Instead, I swallow it and put on a smile.

“Can I ask you something?” Kurt asks and twines a lock of my hair that has fallen down on my forehead around his finger.

“Sure.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you figure things out? And don’t start thinking that I want to push you into coming out, because that’s absolutely not it. It’s just… I don’t like it when you’re not feeling comfortable with yourself. I feel like it’s my fault…” Kurt’s gaze falters and I can’t believe he’s actually blaming himself.

“No, Kurt, you can’t think like that.” I say slightly mortified. “You make me feel great, don’t ever doubt that.” I kiss him fiercely to prove my point. There is, however, something I’ve been wanting to ask him that I think could maybe help me clear things up in my head.

“How did you realize you were gay? You were dating Emily, and now you’re dating me. How did that change happen?” I ask him. Maybe if I understand his coming out process, I can start to understand how I should deal with it myself.

“I’ve never really been interested in girls, and that’s why I’ve never had a girlfriend until Emily. I figured I should give it a try because it felt like that was what I was supposed to do. But it never really felt right. Then there was you, and that made a whole lot more sense to me.”

“Have you been interested in other guys?”

“No, not really. Not at all actually, it has only been you.”

“How do you know that you’re gay then, if it’s only been me?”

“Is that what you’re trying to understand, what you’re confused about?”

“I guess. I’ve had girlfriends, I’ve had sex with girls, but with you everything is different. So much more intense, and I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before. But I’ve never thought about other guys this way before. So is it just because it’s you? Because you know everything there is to know about me and still you’ve always been by my side? You're my boyfriend, but does that make me gay?”

“I think it does Blaine.”

“What if I’m bi?” 

Kurt becomes silent as he contemplates my question. He looks troubled, and I can only imagine what’s going on in his head. I don’t like what I’m imagining. What if this is a breaking point for him? What if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me. I keep my hands tight to my body because I know if I hold them up, they would be trembling. I look at him, trying to figure out what he’s really thinking, but his eyes are focused on a spot behind me, and his face doesn’t give anything away. Then his eyes turn to meet mine. Beautiful, sparkling blue eyes with a trace of steel on the edges.

“Then you’re bi, and I just got twice the competition to worry about, which means I have to work twice as hard to keep you mine.” 

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Is it as simple as that? Kurt seems to think so. He doesn’t seem bothered by it. He seems more determined to work hard for me. For us.

“There’s no competition.” I assure him. “There’s only you, and you don’t have to work for anything because you already have me. I don’t intend to go anywhere.”

Kurt attacks me with a kiss that takes my breath away. I run my hand up his arms and into his hair. I tug his hair and bite lightly at his lower lip. A moan slips through his lips, but I capture it by sliding my tongue into his mouth. Kurt cups my chin and swirls his tongue around mine before he gently pulls away.

Kurt looks at me and smiles, a smile that reaches all the way to his eyes. “Aren’t you the charmer? Knowing just the right things to say.” 

“That’s easy because it’s the truth. It’s the rest that’s hard.”

“Stop beating yourself up about it Blaine. You’re a work in progress, which means you get there a little bit at the time, not all at once.”

There’s something comforting in hearing Kurt saying those words. I know he’s my boyfriend, and it kind of is his job to make me feel better, but there’s a truth in those words that makes me feel more comfortable than I have in weeks. I am a work in progress. I don’t have to have everything figured out.

“Besides,” Kurt adds, “isn’t that what college is all about? Finding out who you are?”

I pull him close to me and kiss him because that’s the only way I can respond. Kurt is right. Kurt is always right, and I want to just kiss him forever for always knowing what to say to untangle my thoughts and making me feel so much better about myself. Everything is so much easier when it’s just me and Kurt. I wish it could always be just him and me.

“I can’t wait to move to New York with you.”

“Me too.” Kurt hums against my lips. “Me too, baby.”

We lie like that, lazily kissing while he laces his fingers through my hair. Our eyes connect, his eyes are warm even though they’re the color of steel blue. It’s true what they say, eyes are the window to the soul. In his eyes, I see warmth and love and happiness. And beauty. Those are all words I’d use to describe Kurt.

But also, they see me. And they don’t look away. The intimacy in this moment is more intense and raw than any moment we’ve shared. It’s like he can see straight into my very core and see all of me, the good parts and the broken parts. Still he doesn’t look away. I’ve never felt this exposed. Never felt this vulnerable. It’s overwhelming.

I look away.

“So are you going to text Oliver back?” I ask just to talk about something. Anything that doesn’t leave me feeling as if I’m about to implode. 

Kurt groans, but takes his phone. “What should I tell him?”

“Tell him to back off; you’re already taken.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not? Aren’t you?”

Kurt slaps me playfully on my chest. “You know I am. But if I tell him that, he will tell Sam; and how do I explain that to Sam then?”

I frown. I didn’t think about that. Kurt is always a step ahead, and I have to admire that in him.

“Exactly.” Kurt says with a smug look on his face.

“Okay, so tell him that he’s an idiot, and you never want to see him again.”

Kurt scowls at me. “ _Blaine_ ”

“What?”

Kurt sighs and looks at me as if to say _you’re impossible_. “I’ll figure something out that doesn’t make me sound like a douche.”

“Who cares what he thinks?” I ask.

“He’s Sam’s cousin. I think I need to let him down gently, or I’ll have Sam breathing down my neck. And I only want you anywhere near my neck.”

“Is that so?” I put my lips on his neck and suck lightly on his delicate skin, careful not to leave a mark. I can probably get away with explaining how I got one; but if anyone notices hickeys on both me and Kurt, that would be a lot harder to explain.

“Mhmm” Kurt responds and wraps a leg around mine. 

I trail kisses up his neck and gently nibble his earlobe before I whisper into his ear. “So I’m the only one who gets to do this to you?”

Kurt moans “Yes baby.” I feel his dick growing and going rigid against my thigh. As much as I’d like to follow this through, there is something else I need to do. I glance at Kurt’s phone, still clutched in his hand, and see that it’s a quarter past five.

“I have to go.”

“What? No, not now.” Kurt pleads with me, and I feel a little bad for turning him on and then leaving him. But only a little.

“Yes, I have to pick up dinner for me and my mom.” It’s a lie because Mom is picking up dinner; but if I tell him the truth now, I might not go through with it, and it’s something I think I need to do. I’ll tell him later tonight.

Kurt sighs. “I wish we could stay in bed the rest of the day. Or forever for that matter.”

I smile at him. Hearing him using the word forever in reference to us and a bed makes my really happy. “You’re dad’s going to be home soon anyway, and I doubt he’d let us stay down here for the rest of the evening anyway. I can come back later if you want me too.”

“You better come back and finish what you just started, or I might not let you come at all.”

“Is that a threat?” I chuckle, amazed at how my own body responds to Kurt’s words.

“That’s a promise.”

“Then I better make sure I come. Or maybe that’s your job.” I say in a smug voice, kissing his nose.

Kurt groans in frustration and throws his head back on his pillow. I get off of the bed, adjust myself before I turn around and give him one final kiss. Seeing him lying there hard and desperate makes me question if I really have to leave and do this right now, but then again this is how it probably will always feel every time I have to leave him.

“I’m crazy about you.” I tell him before I leave and run up the stairs.

“I hate you.” Kurt calls after me, and I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face.

Once in my car, I start my drive to the other side of town. I don’t want to do this anywhere near where either Kurt or I live. It’s embarrassing enough as it is without having someone I know walking in on me while doing it. I’m going to be the responsible one and buy lube and condoms. I know we’re not there yet in our relationship, but once we are, I want to be prepared. And there’s no way I’m using the condoms Burt bought us.

I’ve already made a plan to stop at two different pharmacies. Buying lube and condom at the same place is like shouting out loud what I’m thinking of doing, and I’m not comfortable enough to do that. So at my first stop I buy two packages of condoms. I’ve bought condoms before and this part doesn’t bother me. I’m a teenager, nobody’s going to raise an eyebrow at me buying condoms.

At the second pharmacy though, my hands become clammy, and my heart starts racing; but not in the good kind of way that Kurt makes my heart race. I almost turn around and leave, convincing myself that maybe this can be Kurt’s part. I got the condoms; now he can get the lube. But I stay and tell myself to man up. Just buy the lube and leave. The people in here don’t know me, and I’m never going to see them again.

I grab a basket and head over to the right aisle. The aisle is empty (thank God!) but I’m faced with a new problem. What brand do I chose? Who knew there were so many to choose from? What’s the difference between the different brands? I don’t want to get caught standing here reading the description on the packages, so I quickly snatch two and put them in my basket.

I head over to the cashier but as I look down into my basket and see the two lonely bottles at the bottom, I realize that buying only lube is just as bad as buying lube and condoms. I pull a few other items from various shelves and put them in my basket on the way to the cash register. 

Of course the cashier is a twenty-something, beautiful blonde with big boobs poking out of her deep cleavage, and all I can think is that she’s going to know. She’ll know what I’m going to do with the lube, and the rest of my purchase is just to cover up the fact that I’m buying lube. I almost chicken out again, but I think of Kurt and decide to stop being such a wuss and just do it.

I step forward and start unloading my basket, only to see that in addition to lube I apparently also need new razors, gum, a chocolate bar (which I appreciate myself for grabbing) and hand lotion. Great, as if lube isn’t enough, I have to buy hand lotion as well. I might as well be wearing a sign saying I’m going to get myself off. 

The girl behind the counter rings up my items. She’s looks bored and barley looks at me. I’m thinking that this isn’t that mortifying after all. Until…

“I’ve heard that the _Sensual_ brand is much better.” The girl says and holds up one of the bottles of lube that I’ve placed on the counter. She keeps chewing her gum as if it’s the most natural thing to say. “Do you want to try that one instead?”

My cheeks heat up, and I can imagine the bright red color they’re displaying right now. No, I don’t want to try that one. I want to pay and get the hell out of here. “Ehm… I’m good” I tell her trying to sound confident but failing miserably.

“You sure?” The girl asks, blowing a bubble and twirling a lock of her hair between her fingers absentmindedly.

“Yes, I’m sure.” I say at the same time as her bubble pops.

The girl shrugs and rings up the lube as well. “Do you need condoms, too?”

I think I might actually die from embarrassment; my cheeks turning impossibly redder. She’s so casual about it, like it’s no big deal for people to come in here and buy lube and condoms, and it probably isn’t for anyone else. But for me...

“No!” I say a little too loud, a little too high-pitched. I don’t need anything else. What I need is to get the hell out of here. I clear my throat and lower my voice to its normal register as I continue. “No, I have everything I need.”

She blows another bubble, shrugs again and sums up the total amount. I pay and am on my way faster than she can count to three. It’s not until I’m almost home that my heart beats at its normal pace again, and my cheeks are back to their normal color. Next time Kurt’s the one buying lube.

-x-x-

Hours later, after spending the evening with my mom, I’m back at Kurt’s place. It’s after ten, so I use my spare key to let myself into the basement. I try telling myself it’s so I don’t wake Burt if he’s already asleep--which I’m pretty sure he is--because he has to get up to work in the morning. But honestly, I don’t want to wake him up because I don’t want him to know I’m spending the night with Kurt again. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind, but I know I will be able to be more relaxed knowing he doesn’t know.

I open the door to see Kurt sitting on his bed wearing only sweatpants. The room is dimly lit and one window is open to let in some cool summer night air. He’s got his glasses on and his sketchpad in his hands. His hair, still wet from a shower, unruly and not as neatly styled as it normally is. He looks incredibly sexy. He looks up at me when I close the door behind me and sends a beautiful smile my way.

I brought an overnight bag, and remembering what I have in my bag suddenly gets me nervous. I hope he doesn’t take this the wrong way. There’s only one way to find out. I walk over to him and sit down next to him on the bed. I drop my bag by the floor next to me. I lean in and kiss his soft lips.

“Hi beautiful.” I say in a low voice that’s almost a whisper.

“Hey, I’ve missed you.” Kurt answers softly and meets my kiss halfway. It’s only been five hours since I left, but the fact that he missed me during these hours means everything to me. It means that this, the two of us, means as much to him as it does to me.

“I’ve missed you too. What are you sketching?” Kurt is only sketching when he’s got a new design in his head. I haven’t seen him with his pad since before we graduated, so he must have gotten a streak of inspiration. I’m not going to pretend I understand his designs, but I can acknowledge he’s talented. “Is it a new dress?”

“It’s called evening gown, Blaine.” Kurt says and rolls his eyes. It’s not the first time he’s had to correct me on that. But a dress is a dress, right? “But, no,” he says and turns his sketchpad so that I can see it.

“Wow, Kurt,” is all I can say when I see what he’s been drawing. It’s not a new design. It’s my face. It’s like I’m seeing a black and white photograph of myself; that’s how talented he is. “That’s beautiful.”

“Yeah? You like it?”

“Of course, I do; you’re so good at that. I can’t even draw a stick figure.”

Kurt chuckles softly. He knows I suck at drawing. “I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but I think I like too much to give it away.”

“You did have a good model.” I say teasingly.

“Meh, he was okay.” Kurt says and scrunches his nose in the most adorable way as he puts away the sketchpad.

“Okay?” I say with a feigned hurt voice and begin to tickle him.

Kurt squirms with laughter. “Okay, okay. Stop, Blaine.” Kurt says between laughters. “I had the best model.”

“That’s better.” I say and turn my tickles into slow strokes up and down his bare chest. “How’s your evening been?”

“Pretty uneventful.” Kurt says and scoots over so that I can lie down next to him. “Had dinner and watched TV with Dad until he fell asleep on the couch, and I had to wake him up and force him to go upstairs and sleep in his bed instead of on the couch. Yours?”

“My mom wants you and Burt to come over for Sunday night dinner next week.”

“Really?” Kurt asks surprised. “I thought Sundays were just for you and her.”

“She wants to thank Burt for being there for me, I guess.” I say and shrug. It had been a strange conversation. She’d never showed any interest in getting to know Burt before. “She said you two are practically my family, too; that it would be an extended family dinner. She even said she would cook, which she never does.”

“That’s so sweet of her.” Kurt says, bright eyes looking at me.

“Or strange. She also got all weirdly emotional tonight, talking about wishing she could spend more time with me, and that she’s going to miss me when I move away. But I don’t know…” I know she’s been trying to improve herself, but it all seemed a little too much tonight. Like it wasn’t real. Like she was trying too hard.

“That’s not weird, Blaine. Of course, she’ll miss you. She’s trying to change for you, but you have to try, too.” Kurt says. 

I shrug because I’m not convinced. But I don’t want to spend my time with Kurt thinking about her. I want to tell him about the other part of my evening.

“Come here, I want to show you how much I’ve missed you.” Kurt pulls me in close to him.

“I want to show you something first.” I say and sit back up again. “But I don’t want you to freak out and think that this means something that it doesn’t.”

“Okay… now I’m slightly worried.” Kurt says with a wary look on his face.

“No, don’t be.” I brace myself for what I’m about to show him. “So I did some shopping today….” I reach for my bag and pick out the plastic bag with the purchased items. “And this is by no way me pressuring you into doing something that neither you nor I are ready to do yet… but I bought these.” 

Kurt looks back and forth between my face and the items in my hand. He seems speechless.

“I just want us to be prepared--once we are ready. Maybe that won’t be until after we move to New York or much later, but whenever we are, I don’t want to hold back because neither of us thought about this. And there’s no way I’m using the condoms your dad bought.”

Kurt finally reacts and laughs at my last comment. “This is very… thoughtful of you. Thank you.” He places one hand at the back of my head and pulls me in to kiss me. “When did you do this?”

I tell him the entire story from beginning to end--including the part where the pretty blonde asked me if I wanted to buy condoms, too. Kurt laughs hard at my story, clutching his stomach.

“I’m glad you’re finding my most embarrassing moment such an amusement.” I say and pout.

“I’m sorry, baby; but I can just picture you wanting to run and hide while she is discussing different brands of lube.” Kurt can’t stop laughing, and there are now tears running down his cheeks. 

“It’s not that funny.” I say. Although I can see that the situation is comical, I want him to sympathize with me and my efforts. 

“Baby… I’m sorry.” Kurt says while trying to control his laughter. “I know how difficult this was for you, and it means more to me than you can imagine that you did this. Thank you.”

“Yeah, well next time you’re doing the purchases.” I say still pouting, but I know that he is proud of me, and that’s enough for me to not be mad at him for laughing at me.

Kurt takes the lube and condoms from my hands, pulls out the drawer in his nightstand table and puts the items there before he closes it again. “I’ll keep them here for when we need them. Personally, I hope that is before we move to New York, but either way is fine. I like what we’re doing so far, and I’m fine with exploring each other in the pace we are doing right now.”

If we keep things at the pace we’re going now, I’m pretty sure that sex won’t be that far away. I feel oddly at peace with that thought. The thought of having sex with Kurt is not as scary as it was only two days ago.

“I do like to keep exploring.” I tell him with a mischievous smile and lie down next to him, wrapping my leg around his.

“Really now?” Kurt smiles back and scoots in closer so that our lower bodies are connecting. 

I trace kisses along his jawline and up to his ear, where I whisper “Yes, really” before I nibble his earlobe, “and I do believe that left something unfinished earlier.”

“Is that so?” Kurt lifts an eyebrow and licks his bottom lip. 

“And I don’t like to leave things unfinished. So…” 

“So…?”

I sit up, remove my shirt, and toss it on the floor. Kurt’s eyes slowly move down my body. “So I think we should finish it.” I watch Kurt’s eyes on me and bite my lip.

“You’re really sexy, you know that?” Kurt’s eyes move back up to meet mine.

I feel my cheeks heat up. Nobody’s called me sexy before. Not like this anyway. Not with so much sincerity in their eyes. “You’re crazy,” I tell him, “and gorgeous.” I lean over him with the intent to kiss him, but just when Kurt puckers his lips, I change direction and lick up his jawline instead. “And you’re wearing way too many layers.”

“But I’m only wearing sweatpants.” Kurt says with a small smile playing innocently at the corner of his lips.

“Like I said, too many layers.” I hook my fingers inside the hem of his sweatpants and tug them down. Kurt lifts his hips off the bed, and I drag the worn fabric over them and all the way off. I can’t stop myself from staring at the flawless skin and bite my lip. I crawl up the bed and hover over him. “You’re beautiful, Kurt. Everything about you is beautiful.”

“Stop it.” Kurt cheeks redden, and he looks shy. But then there’s a sudden shift in his eyes, and they become a shade darker. “There’s something I’d like to try.”

“Okay,” I say a little breathlessly, “I’m game.”

Kurt snakes his hand around the back of my neck and pulls me down for a kiss. He nibbles lightly on my bottom lip, and as I part my lips, his tongue slips into my mouth and connects with mine. There is a very familiar taste on Kurt’s tongue.

“You taste like chocolate.” I tell him as I lower my body onto his.

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Kurt asks with a spark in his eyes.

“You know it’s a good thing, Kurt.” I can’t help the husky sound of my voice. Kurt and chocolate are like my two favorite things and the combination of both... I let my tongue slip into his mouth again and swirl around his so that I can taste him again. “It turns me on.” 

“Really now? I’ll remember to eat chocolate more often then.” Kurt wraps his legs around mine and with a slow pace rock up against me. A whimper slips through my lips, and he looks innocently at me. “Something wrong, baby?” 

“No, nothing’s wrong. Everything is just perfect.” I smile down at him.

Kurt moves his hand to remove his glasses. I grab his arm to stop him. “No, leave them on.” I tell him to which he raises an eyebrow in question. “You look hot in them.” 

Kurt gives me a smug smile and lowers his arm again, leaving the glasses on. He moves his hand further down and places it on my ass and gives it a light squeeze. 

“Let me help you out of these pants.” Kurt turns us around so that he’s on top of me. He unbuttons my pants and lets his hand glide inside and stroke my cock above my underwear. I pull my pants down and wiggle out of them, not caring if I’m too eager. Kurt hooks his fingers inside my boxers; and in one swift move, he pulls my underwear down and off. He lies back down again and takes my cock in his hand.

I close my eyes, place my hands behind my head and just revel in the sensation of Kurt’s hand stroking my cock. Kurt touching me is still the most exhilarating thing I’ve experience, and I moan his name and buck up to meet his stroking movements. He runs his thumb across the head with one hand and takes my balls into his other hand. “Shit Kurt, that’s so good.” He continues to massage my balls and increase speed with which he is stroking my cock. 

I move one hand from above my head, down to his hard cock. I can feel just how hard he is through his boxers. 

“Take them off.” Kurt begs me, and I don’t protest. I want to feel him in my hand and quickly remove his underwear. I look down and see the pink head pointing up at me. I run my thumb along the slit and smear the pre-cum that is already forming there. I take his full length in my hand and stroke it up and down. This time it’s Kurt that whimpers under my touch.

I meet his lips in an eager, expectant kiss as we’re stroking each other. We’re both going slow, wanting to drag it out, wanting for it to last.

“Hold on, baby.” Kurt says and let’s go of me. He rolls onto his back and reaches his hand over to the nightstand. He opens the drawer and pulls out the bottle of lube. He pops the lid open with one hand and squeezes some of its content into the other. He lets the bottle fall down on the bed as he rolls back to me. He takes my cock back into his hand and spreads the lube over my cock as he pumps his hand up and down. His hand slides easily along my erection, and it feels amazing. 

He gently removes my hand from his cock, takes it in his own hand and strokes it a few times so that it also become coated with lube. Then he moves his hip in closer to me and takes both of our cocks in his hand and starts stroking them both.

“ _Fuck_ ,” I moan because that feels fucking amazing. The sensation of Kurt’s cock pressed against mine is the best thing I have ever felt.

“Feels good, right?” Kurt asks while increasing the speed of his pumping movement.

“ _Y-yes_ ,” I manage to get out as my lust blown brain is about to lose it. “Can I?”

Kurt reaches over for the lube and places a small amount in my hand. “ _Please_ ” he pleads and let’s go of our cocks so that my hand can replace his. I take our cocks in my hand and testingly run my hand up and down our erections. Feeling Kurt’s hard, slippery cock against both my hand and my own cock is more than I can handle; and I let out a long string of moans.

Kurt keeps moaning “ _Oh god, baby… so good_ ” as I move my hand up and down, and soon his hand is on my hand, guiding the speed and force with which our hands are moving.

I feel the familiar clench starting to build in my stomach, and I know I’m close to coming. Kurt’s breathing is becoming more erratic indicating that he’s close to his release, too. I look into his eyes, eyes that sparkle with lust and love and arousal. I’m sure they’re a mirror of mine because these are the exact emotions I feel in this moment. I lean in close to his ear and whisper “you look so beautiful right now.”

A long moan comes over Kurt’s lips as his orgasm hits him. Seeing him unravel at the touch of my hand and the sound of my words is all it takes for me to tip over the edge as well, spurting my cum on both Kurt’s and my own chest where it mixes with Kurt’s.

I keep stroking us, I really don’t want to let go. But because of oversensitivity, I have to eventually. Instead I lean in to kiss him. “Shit, that was intense.” I murmur against his lips.

“Mmhmm,” Kurt hums, “just wait until I blow you.”

My body tenses for a second, not from fear of Kurt blowing me (because wow!) but from the unexpectedness of hearing Kurt speak so freely about it. But it only lasts a second, then I relax and feel this warmth spreading inside me because if he says something like that, it must mean he liked what I did to him this morning.

“You’ve been thinking a lot about that? About me blowing you?”

“Uhm, what?... Did I say that out loud?” 

I smile at him. “You kind of did.”

“Oh God… okay…when you asked me before how my evening had been, I forgot to mention that I’ve been spending an ungodly amount of hours thinking about your mouth on me.”

I chuckle and kiss him again. “So have I. And you’d want to blow me, too?”

“Yes…” Kurt says, but he looks away from me as if all of his previous confidence is gone.

“Hey, what is it?” I ask and turn his face back to look at me.

“I just hope I’ll be as good as your girlfriends.” Kurt says, a light blush spreading across his cheeks.

“Oh… you don’t have to worry about that.” I say. “I’ve never been blown before.”

“Really?” Kurt asks skeptically as if I’m saying it just to reassure him.

“Really.” I say.

“Wow…” Kurt says, “I just figured you had but never told me about it.”

“Nope. They’ve never showed any interest in that, and apparently neither have I because it’s not something I’ve wanted before.”

“Would you want me to blow you?” Kurt bites his lip. 

Kurt biting his lips alone is sexy, adding the way he looks at me with a mix of shyness and expectance, and the topic of the question on top of that – my heart starts beating so much faster.

“Oh, God yes!” I say and we both chuckle at my eagerness. “It’s like all I can think about now.”

“Okay, good because that’s definitely something I want to do. But not tonight. Tonight, I just want cuddles and kisses.”

Even if he has my interest piqued, that sounds just about perfect to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that? Next chapter won't take that long to publish :)  
> If you have any questions to me or comments about the story, like how did you think while writing that, or that was totally unrealistic, etc. feel free to write them below and I'll be happy to answer and explain. Even though there's a lot of words in this chapter, it's not always possible to get across the thoughts behind what I write. Sometimes it's intentional vague because answers will come in later chapters, but sometimes it would destroy the flow of the story if I tried to explain more. Also I like giving hints to future contents in my answers ;) Ask away, or just let me know if you loved it or hated it (or anything in between).


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very short, and not really necessary for the story to progress, but the timeline said 4th of July and I just thought: fireworks and kisses - why not?

**Blaine, Monday, July 4th 2012, 9.23 pm**

”Come on, I know the perfect place where we can watch the fireworks.” I tell Kurt and take his hand. I lead him towards my car and open the door for him.

We’ve been spending the day with our friends, attending the carnival in the city and the family picnic in the nearby park. It’s been a fun-filled day, although I sometimes (most of the time) wished that it was just Kurt and me, so that I could kiss him. That’s why I told him to accept Burt’s invitation to have dinner with him. Around Burt, I’m at least comfortable enough to hold Kurt’s hand; and when Burt left the room for a few minutes, I could steal a few kisses as well.

We’ve left Burt with friends now, and we’re finally alone. Kurt gets into my car, and I kiss him before I close the door. I walk around the car and get in behind the wheel. I put the car in reverse, back out of the driveway and drive onto the road.

“Where are we going?” Kurt asks, turning so that he’s facing me.

“You’ll see.” I want it to be a surprise, even though he’s been there before. I’m quite sure it will be spectacular.

“Can you give me a clue?”

“Nope.” 

Kurt sighs and looks out the window again. “You know I hate not knowing.”

“I know. It will be worth it though, I promise.” I place my hand on his thigh, and I know that Kurt is smiling even though he won’t get any answers from me. He puts his hand on top of mine and intertwine our fingers.

“It’s a good thing you’re a trustworthy man.”

“That _is_ a good thing”

We keep driving in silence, just me quietly singing along to the radio, until we arrive at our destination. Kurt looks suspiciously at me.

“Here? I thought we were going to watch the fireworks, not go to your apartment.”

“We are going to watch the fireworks.” I say and lean forward over the steering wheel, looking up at the top of my building, and that’s when Kurt finally catches on.

“Ah, the rooftop! That’s a great idea.” The excited look on Kurt’s face makes up for every difficult minute of not being able to touch or kiss him today.

We get out of the car, and Kurt walks around to where I’m standing. I take his hand in mine, and Kurt raises an eyebrow questioningly as if to ask if I really want to hold his hand out here. It’s dark, and nobody’s around so the risk is slim that anyone will see us. And I want to be close to him. We’ve been together all day, but we’ve been apart all day, too. I’ve missed being close to him, so I’m willing to take the risk. I tug his hand as I start walking. “Come on.”

We take the elevator to the top floor. We’re standing close to each other when the elevator starts moving the fifteen stories up to the top. I shift so that I’m standing in front of him and take his other hand in mine as well. “I’m really happy we’re doing this.”

“Going to the rooftop?” Kurt asks with a raised eyebrow.

“No, silly. Us. Being boyfriends. You make me happy.”

“You make me happy too, baby.” Kurt says, and his words make my knees weak. I love it when he calls me baby. It makes me feel special, and it makes me feel as if I’m truly his.

I let go of his hands and cup his face as I lean in to kiss him, pressing him up against the wall. Kurt’s hands find their way into my hair, his fingers massaging my head in the most delicious way, making me shiver. I part my lips to let out the moan that is forming in my throat. Kurt bites down on my lower lip, which only excites me more. It’s ridiculous how my body reacts to every little thing he does to me.

How is it that he always leaves me like this. Breathless, shivering, moaning and horny. It’s never been like this before. But then again, I haven’t really been in love before either.

The elevator chimes as we reach the top floor, and Kurt lets go of me, takes a step to the side and walks out of the elevator. He turns around and looks at the breathless man he left behind, giving me a smug smile. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me. “Are you coming or are you going to stay in the elevator for the rest of the night?”

I step out of the elevator and take his hand again. “I could have, if you would have stayed there with me, but you seem eager to be elsewhere.” I say teasingly.

“I was promised fireworks, and as much as your kisses gives me fireworks, I think I want the real deal.” Kurt teases back.

“And my kisses aren’t the real deal?”

Kurt steps in closer to me and adds in a much more serious tone. “They are very real and one of the best things about dating you.” He places small kisses along my lips. “And the fact that I get to do this whenever we’re alone.” He continues to place kisses along my jaw and down my neck. I’ve been wearing a polo shirt all day to cover up the hickey that Kurt placed on my neck, but Kurt moves the shirt to the side and finds that spot again. He kisses it and then starts sucking on it.

“ _Shit Kurt._ ” I moan. Feeling his lips there, sucking on my sensitive skin, turns me on even more. I tilt my head and expose more skin to his delicious lips. I squeeze his fingers and stumble backwards as he pushes me up against the wall. Only the wall isn’t a wall but a door, which I become acutely aware of when I hear a doorbell sound and realize that I’ve been pressed up against it and potentially woken someone up. Someone who might potentially be very mad. Someone I don’t want to face.

“Shit! Come on Kurt.” I start running down the hallway, holding Kurt’s hand and tugging him along with me. Kurt starts giggling as we’re running, and I keep turning around to see if someone opened that door. “Hurry up!” I say in a low voice, tugging him harder.

Kurt keeps giggling, but I’m too worried about what would happen if that door opened, and we get yelled at, to see the funny side of this. When there is about six feet left until the corridor turns to the right, I hear a door opening. I don’t dare looking back, I just keep running. 

When we turn the corner, I push Kurt up against the wall and put my hand on his mouth to keep him quiet. I listen intently to hear if someone is coming, but I only hear the door closing again.

I look at Kurt and see that his eyes are sparkling, as if the laughter that can’t come out through his mouth is coming out through his eyes instead. I can’t help the smile that is spreading across my face as I start to relax again. I remove my hand and kiss him, but soon we’re both laughing, and we’re unable to kiss anymore. I briefly rest my forehead against his before I take his hand again, and we run to the end of the corridor where there is a stair that leads to the rooftop. At the end of the stair, there is a locked door, but I have the key and unlock it. 

The rooftop is a forbidden area for the residents of the building, but once when I was twelve or thirteen and was wandering around in the building, I found a key in the door. I opened the door and found the rooftop. I thought it was cool to be up here where I wasn’t allowed. I kept the key and kept coming back when I needed to be completely alone. Which was a lot back then. It was either here or to my tree.

I hold the door open as Kurt passes me on his way out onto the roof. The view from up here is spectacular. You can see the city center if you look straight ahead; and if you turn in the other direction, you see the park. I’ve brought Kurt up here before, but never at night time, and never with the intention kiss the hell out of him (as per his wish). 

We walk across the roof. The city lights are sparkling below us, and the stars are sparkling above us. I can see that he is mesmerized by the view.

“Wow!” Kurt exclaims and takes a step towards the edge of the roof. There is a railing surrounding the roof, and Kurt puts his hands on it. “I’ve never seen the city like this. It’s absolutely breathtaking.”

“I agree, the view is absolutely breathtaking.” I say as I walk up beside him, my eyes focused on him.

Kurt turns his head and looks at me. “It is rather spectacular.” He runs a hand through my hair, and my entire body shivers (again). I cup his face and pull him into a kiss. It’s a slow, sensual kiss. Our tongues move around each other almost in slow motion, and I can taste every bit of him. I can taste the coffee he had after dinner, and if I’m not wrong, there’s a hint of chocolate as well, although I haven’t seen him eat any.

I move in closer and wrap my arms around his waist. His arms are resting on my shoulders as he pulls me in even closer, so that our bodies are pressed against each other. When we’re standing like that, the first fireworks go off and light up the sky. I feel Kurt jump slightly at the unexpected, loud sound of fireworks, but he soon relaxes again.

He breaks the kiss and looks up at the sky. I follow his gaze and see the spectacular fireworks. Kurt moves so that he’s standing behind me. He wraps his arms around my chest and leans his chin on my shoulder. I place my hands on his arms, and we just stand like that watching the sky turn into a sea of lights in all imaginable colors.

I’m so in love with the man behind me, and I’m so happy that I took the risk and told him how I feel about him. He has always made me happy, but this, being his boyfriend, kissing him, holding him, being with him in every way I can, it almost makes my heart ache with happiness. I can’t even begin to try and explain how much I’m feeling right now.

“Thank you for bringing me here.” Kurt whispers into my ear. “It was very romantic of you.” I turn my head and meet his lips in a kiss that I hope discloses everything I feel for him but can’t put into words. “I’ve changed my mind. I prefer the fireworks your kisses give me.”

I know in this moment that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for Kurt; and one day, I will be brave enough to let everyone know how much I love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is longer and will probably be up in two days


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just mention what an amazing beta I have? Roxy - you're the best!! If you'd read my work before she got her hands on it you would see what I mean. How hard can it be to put an "s" at the end of words I often find myself wondering ;) And what really is the difference between of and off?? That's my constant struggles as a non-native english speaker.   
> Anyway, this is probably her favorite chapter so far - me I'm having trouble deciding, but it was definitely fun writing!

**Kurt, Wednesday July 6th 2012, 8.08 pm**

I hate pool parties. Yet here I am at one. I didn’t expect such a big turnout, but it feels like half of the school is here. I thought (or wished to be more accurate) I’d never have to see most of these people again, but apparently I was wrong.

I’m pretty sure I won’t get to talk much to Blaine tonight, not alone at least, not the way I want to talk to him, which is another reason why I hate this particular pool party so very much. I know it’s silly; I should manage one evening without him, and I do. It’s just I haven’t seen him since I left him sleeping in his bed yesterday morning, which isn’t even that long ago. But we’ve sort of spent every hour together this weekend, and now it’s been a day and a half without out any physical contact… and _God_ , I’m so hooked on him already.

After we watched the fireworks, he insisted I stayed with him even though he knew I had to get up early the next day. He said he liked sleeping next to me, snuggling up with me in bed and just have me in his arms. Like I could say no to that. Like I wanted to be anywhere else. 

I snuck out early the next morning to help my dad at his shop. It’s vacation time, which means less people who work and more cars to repair, so I’ve promised him to help out this week.

Blaine was rehearsing with Sam last night for their next gig on Friday. Sam works during the days, so they only have evenings to rehearse. By the time they finished, and Blaine texted me asking if he could come over; I was already asleep, exhausted from the work I’d been doing and from staying up late the night before. 

So tonight is the first time I’ll see him in 36 hours (not that I’m counting), and it kind of sucks that we’re not alone. I want to hold him and kiss him and curl up in bed with him… That’s another reason I don’t want to be here. Sleeping in the same bed as him for three nights was like the best three nights of my life, but with this pool party, it will a second night without him… Honestly though, all physical contact aside, I just miss him.

I’m caught in a conversation between Tina and a girl whose name I think is Tracy. But I’m not able to stay focused and listen to what they are talking about. My mind is somewhere else. 

I scan the Fabray backyard and spot Blaine by a table with Puck and a group of four or five girls. One of the girls, whom I can’t remember having seen before, is standing really close to Blaine, with one hand on his arm. I can tell from the way she’s leaning in towards him, laughing and flipping her hair, that she’s interested. 

Blaine looks as handsome as ever, even if he’s wearing an awful Hawaiian, floral-printed shirt (so much for _I don’t wear shirts Kurt!_ …). Everyone is wearing one. It’s the dress code for this pool party, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in one. I do have some sense of fashion, which everyone else here seems to lack. I’m wearing a pink shirt with small navy blue rope knots, that’s how far I’m willing to stretch this pool/water/sea/Hawaiian theme. Anyway, Blaine looks gorgeous regardless of what he’s wearing, but I do wish he would button some of the buttons and not expose so much skin. I mean, is it really necessary to show off all that perfectness to everyone? But I guess I should be thankful he’s wearing knee-length swim trunks and not the extremely short version that I see some of the guys wearing. 

I see Blaine removing the girl's hand, but she keeps finding a reason to put it back there; and after the third time, he just lets her touch him. Maybe I should be jealous, but I’m not really the jealous type. I know what he and I have and what we’ve shared the last couple of days, and I know that that girl isn’t going to change that. I know the role that he thinks he needs to play to keep up appearances. I get it, but I wished it didn’t have to be this way. I wished he could relax and just be himself and know that nobody, exactly nobody, would suspect anything if he didn’t entertain this girls advances.

I see how he plays along and laughs at whatever she’s saying. But is it really necessary for them to stand so close to each other? I see her hand sneaking into his hair… and that’s where I draw a line. Those curls are mine, and nobody else gets to run their fingers through them! 

Okay, so maybe there is a possessive streak within me. I just want her to stop touching what’s mine.

I look away from the scene before me, before I get the impulse to walk over and push her into the pool. I know I could go over there and ask him what he’s doing, but I don’t want to put him in a position where he feels pressured to choose between reassuring me (which he can’t do, not here) and pretending that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. 

Instead, I try to focus on the conversation between Tina and Tracy. I try really hard for five minutes, but they’re talking about football, and I’m so not interested in football. My attention is drawn back to Blaine, even though it would be so much wiser to look anywhere else. The girl is now gone and so are her friends. Blaine, Puck and Sam are sitting by the pool with their feet in the water. Most people are either in the pool or dancing by the pool.

“Excuse me?” I hear a girl say, and I quickly look away from Blaine and turn towards the girl standing beside me.

“Yes?”

“You’re Blaine’s friend Keith, right?”

“Kurt”

“Whatever. Is Blaine single?”

“Excuse me?” I say with a frown I don’t intend but can’t really keep away.

“Is Blaine single?” The girl asks again. I recognize her as one of the girls in the group that was standing around Blaine and Puck earlier. She’s not the girl who kept placing her hand on Blaine, so I’m guessing one of her friends.

“Why do you ask me? Why don’t you ask him?” I say because I don’t want to lie, but I can’t tell her the truth either.

“I was told that you are his best friend, and my best friend, Amanda, wants to know.” The girl says and blows a bubble on her chewing gum. Great, just what I need. A conversation with a blonde bimbo who’s probably going to nag me until I give her an answer.

“Then you can tell your best friend Amanda that she can ask Blaine that if she wants to know.” I snap at her. I’m normally not the one to snap at strangers, but I don’t like how her friend was touching Blaine or how she’s after what’s mine, and I’m taking that out on this girl.

“You’re sassy. I like that.” She says and gives me a crooked smile. “You’re cute, too.”

“I’m also gay.” I tell her to avert any further advances.

“Ouch! Sassy and gay, that’s like the best combination. You and I should be friends.”

_Or maybe not_ I think to myself. “I don’t even know your name.”

“Well, where’s my manners?” The girl says in a feigned embarrassed voice. “My name is Alice; but you can call me Ali, that’s what all my friends do.”

“Okay Alice, what makes you think I want to be your friend?” I have no intention of becoming friends with her.

“Why not? You’re cool, I’m cool, together we can be awesome.”

If she thinks I want to be awesome with her, she’s highly delusional. “Or maybe we can just continue our lives as if we’ve never met.”

“I still like you, my feisty friend, but I’ll leave you alone if you tell me about Blaine. Is he single or not? I know Maddie broke up with him, but has he met someone new during the summer?”

“I already told you that you have to ask him about that.”

“The fact that you don’t want to tell me makes me think that he’s not single anymore. But where is she tonight, and why are you so secretive about it?”

Okay, maybe she’s not such a bimbo after all, or maybe I’m not handling this in a good way, but she’s clearly on to something. Even though she’s also way off. But she’s just given me an exit though, a way for me to get rid of her without having to lie to her. “Okay, so it’s not really for me to tell you about Blaine’s personal life, but since you asked so nicely, I’ll let you know that Blaine does not have a girlfriend.”

“And you couldn’t have told me this directly because?” She asks a little annoyed.

“What would be the fun in that? Then I would have missed out on this lovely conversation with you. You just called me sassy, cool and offered to be my friend – just think that I would have missed all that if I’d given you all the answers directly.” I say in a voice dripping with sarcasm.

She smiles at me. “I really do love your sassiness. So long Keith, I hope I’ll see you again.”

“It’s Kurt.” I call after her as she walks away from me but she just waves her hand above her head and continues walking. Somehow I like her even though I truly dislike her. Bantering with her was the most fun I’ve had tonight, even though she annoyed the hell out of me.

I watch her as she walks away. She walks back to her friends, who are now sitting by the pool with Blaine, Sam and Puck. The girl, Amanda, is sitting in Blaine’s lap whispering something into his ear, and I don’t like this scenario at all. I know it’s just a charade, but it seems so unnecessary to play it this far. There’s no reason why she needs to be on his lap. When Alice walks past them, I see her giving a thumbs up to Amanda. Everything about this situation just gives me a queasy feeling.

I need to do something to get Blaine’s attention and to get her off his lap. I reach for my phone in my back pocket and text Blaine.

**Kurt**   
**Having fun?**

I see him reach for his phone and read the text. He looks around, searching for me, but I’m in the shadows close to the house so he can’t see me. 

**Blaine**   
**Where are you?**

**Kurt**   
**Just watching my boyfriend entertaining the ladies**

Blaine reads my text and immediately shoves Amanda off his lap. He stands up and scans the backyard. When he finally sees me, he gives me an apologetic smile and types something on his phone.

**Blaine**   
**Meet me in the upstairs bathroom in 5 minutes?**

**Blaine**   
**Please**

He looks at me, and I nod at him. He whispers something to Sam and then starts moving through the crowd towards the house. I wait a minute or two after Blaine has disappeared inside and then I get up and walk after him. Once on the second floor, I walk down the hall to the bathroom. When I open the door, a hand reaches out and quickly pulls me inside. I’m pushed against the door and Blaine’s lips are instantly on mine. I hear him lock the door at the same time as his tongue pushes into my mouth. He’s pinning me against the door with his body, and his hands are holding my face while he keeps kissing me as if he’s proving a point.

“I’m sorry, Kurt.” Blaine says when he finally calms down enough to let go of my face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want her sitting on my lap, she just… I didn’t… she’s nothing to me, Kurt.”

“I know, Blaine.” I take his hand in a gesture to calm him, but it seems to have little effect.

“Please don’t be mad at me. I only want you, Kurt; she doesn’t mean anything. I don’t even know her name, she was just really persistent.”

“I know.” I tell him again. “I know you’re not interested in her, but you don’t have to be like that. You don’t have to pretend to be into her to prove to people that you’re straight. They already believe you are.”

“I don’t know how to do this…” Blaine sighs and looks down at his feet. “I just…” He starts, but doesn’t finish that sentence.

“I know it’s hard, but just be you.” I say and place a hand on his heart. “Not the you that you think you need to be.”

“I can’t be me… you know I can’t. This is the only way I know how to be… I’m sorry…”

Why does this have to be so fucking difficult? I’m so torn between wanting him to stop with the charade and wanting to reassure him and make him understand that I understand. It’s not that we have to walk out of here hand in hand, but this whole flirting with girls thing is so unnecessary. It kind of makes me feel like he’s diminishing us.

“Blaine…” I say and try to convey everything I’m thinking through my voice and words. “I love you, and I trust you. I just don’t see the need for you to flirt with her.”

Blaine’s face snaps up, his eyes dilate, and he stares at me. “What did you say?”

“I trust you?” I say in a vain attempt to cover up what I know he heard me say. It wasn’t my intention to tell him those words for another few days or weeks, but the words are constantly on my mind, and it isn’t really a surprise that they slipped out.

“Before that.”

“I love you.” 

“You do?” Blaine says cautiously.

“Yes, I do. But you don’t have to say it back Blaine. I know it’s too soon. I know this is too new and you don’t have-“

“I love you, too.” Blaine says instantly and kisses me again, but this time much gentler than before. “God, I love you so much.”

I smile at him. “You do?”

“Maybe it’s unfair of me to say that to you when I’m too much of a coward to show it openly, but yes, of course, I love you, Kurt. Maybe it is too soon, but I don’t care.”

“With us, maybe nothing is too soon.” I say lacing my fingers with his. “I think I loved you even before we got together. I think I’ve loved you since we were twelve, and you wanted my cookies. I just didn’t realize what it was back then. Some things just make sense, and I think that us together is one of those things.”

“Aww, _Kurt_.” Blaine says and wraps me up in a tight hug. Then he kisses me, and then he looks into my eyes. “I love you, Kurt.”

“I love you, Blaine.” I say and kiss him back. “But please, don’t let girls sit on your lap. Maybe it’s silly, but I’ve missed you these past days.”

“It’s not silly. I’ve missed you too.” Blaine quickly fills in.

“Seeing you with some girl, it’s just… I don’t like it…” I breathe out slowly, trying not to let those possessive feelings take control. “I just want to spend every minute with you, and being here tonight without being able to be with you, but seeing some other girl touching you, is kind of like torture.”

“I know, and I’m sorry…” Blaine lowers his eyes and stares at his feet again. “I know you wish things were different, that I was different…” 

“I’m not gonna lie and pretend that it wouldn’t be easier if things were different, but Blaine, you have to believe me when I say that I love you just the way you are.” I say and put my finger under his chin to tilt his head up and force him to look up at me again. “Nothing’s going to change the fact that I love you. Right now, I just wished we were somewhere we could be alone, so that I could touch you in way that would be inappropriate even if people knew about us.”

The look on his face changes from apologetic to mischievous. “We’re alone now.”

“No, Blaine, not in Quinn’s bathroom.”

“I really want to. I think I might owe you after what I did.”

“You don’t have to just to prove something.”

“I know I don’t have to, Kurt.” Blaine says with a smile and gets down on his knees. “I just really, _really_ , want to taste you again. _Please_.”

He looks up at me with pleading eyes, and God how am I supposed to say no to that?

He unzips my shorts and lowers them and my underwear to the floor. He runs his tongue along the underside of my growing erection. He looks up at me through long eyelashes. “May I?”

“Y-yes you may.” I answer in a high-pitched voice, because how can I not say yes? Memories of him doing this to me once before fill my mind. Remembering how it felt to have his mouth wrapped around my cock makes me hard. And it makes me smile.

Blaine runs his tongue along the vein on the underside of my cock again and a soft moan escapes through my lips. “You like this?”

“ _Mmhmm_.” 

Blaine lets his tongue swirl around the head of my cock before takes me in his mouth. The warm heat of his mouth along with the magic of his tongue is making me see stars. I lean my head back against the door with a low thud, close my eyes and lose myself in the moment. 

I try to hold my body still as he starts sucking my cock, moving back and forth along my erection. I try not to repeat my mistake of pushing in too deep, but the way he’s sucking me, using his tongue like that, makes it freaking hard.

One of his hands moves to my balls, which only increases my pleasure.

“ _Shit baby, that feels so good_.” I moan and move my hands to his hair. I run my fingers through his curls (my curls) and push him to take me a little deeper. This time he’s not coughing or protesting; he just keeps sucking. I start directing the speed and Blaine lets me. I find that I’m extremely turned on by being the one in control.

Then Blaine moves his hand from my balls and lets one finger slide further back. When his finger brushes over my hole, I lose all control and moan loudly. The pleasure is so intense that I can’t stop myself. He continues to let his finger sweep across my hole, and I continue to lose it. 

When his fingertip pushes inside me, there isn’t really a way for me to hold back even if I tried to, and before I can warn him, I come in his mouth. But Blaine doesn't even flinch, he keeps sucking and swallowing until I have to pull out.

“Shit Blaine.” I say and look down at him. “I’m so sorry I didn’t warn you…” I trail off, completely distracted by the sight below me. Blaine licks his lips, and I swear he has never looked sexier than he does down there on his knees, licking a drop of my cum that has escaped his lips. He stands up again and looks straight into my eyes. 

“Don’t be.”

“But you had to swallow…”

“I liked it.” Blaine says, and I see his eyes have turned into a shade of dark hazel. There’s lust in his eyes, and I believe him when he says he liked it.

“What you did… with your finger…wow. I like that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Blaine says with a mischievous smile. “We need to explore that more.” 

Blaine moves in to kiss me, and I greedily accept his kiss. When his tongue connects with mine, I can totally taste myself on him. It’s a little strange, but definitely not unpleasant.

“Can I return the favor?” I’ve been wanting to do this for days, and even if this is not the place where I pictured myself doing this, who cares where we are? It’s me and Blaine, and that’s all that matters.

Blaine groans. “Kurt, yes…” He takes my hand and places it on his cock, so that I can feel how hard he is. “You make me so horny, Kurt.”

“I don’t think I can swallow…” I say a little embarrassed.

“You don’t have to.” Blaine says quickly. 

“I don’t know if I’ll be as good as you at this.”

“I’m sure you will be.” Blaine says patiently.

“If I do it wrong-“

“Kurt, please stop talking.” Blaine says a little desperately, but still he manages to stroke my arms with a reassuring touch.

I know I’m stalling. I want to do this, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not nervous.

Blaine pulls down his swim trunks, so that he’s standing naked in front of me with his trunks by his feet and his shirt open. I get down on my knees, and I’m suddenly facing his hard cock. I’ve never done this before, never had another guy’s cock in my mouth. What if I’m bad at it? Blaine is a natural, but what if I do it all wrong. I try to remember what Blaine did, and what I liked, but my mind is completely blank. 

“Kurt, _please_ …” Blaine pleads with me.

Without thinking further about it, because if I do, there is a chance I will chicken out, I take his cock in my mouth. Blaine lets out a surprised gasp that turns into long moan as I start moving my mouth up and down his cock. I go fast and slow, licking and sucking, trying to figure out what brings Blaine the most pleasure. But it seems it doesn’t matter what I do, Blaine keeps letting out small whimpers and other sounds of pure ecstasy. Having the power to make him feel this good spurs me on. I want to keep bringing him pleasure, at this moment and forever.

I let my tongue run along his cock until it’s at the very tip of the head. I lick the slit and taste his pre-cum before I sink down on him again.

“ _Fuck Kurt, you’re amazing_.”

I look up at him and hope that my eyes convey the smile I can’t give him. I see him looking down at me, biting his lip. His cheeks are flushed, his eyes wide and his hair is unruly from me running my fingers through it before.

“You’re so beautiful.” Blaine says, and I suck a little harder. “ _Shit!_... I’m going to come, Kurt.”

I pull off, but stay on my knees, watching him as he takes his cock in his hand and jerks himself until he comes all over his hand. I lick his fingers, because I want to taste him too. Blaine looks at me with his mouth hanging open, as if he can’t believe what he’s seeing, and I’m guessing he’s feeling the same as I felt looking down at him just a few minutes ago. I reach for some tissues by the sink and wipe him clean. 

“God, you’re so amazing, Kurt.” Blaine tells me and pulls me up and into a kiss. “That was just…wow.”

“I told you it would be intense.” I say and give him a cocky smile.

“Feeling mighty proud of ourselves, are we?” Blaine teases me.

“You seemed to enjoy it quite a bit.”

“I did do that.” Blaine smiles and kisses me again. “A lot.”

I am feeling proud of myself. I did that to him. I want to stay here and revel in that feeling, but I can’t help thinking about the outside world.

“I think maybe we should get out there again before they send out a search party for us.” I say and pull up my shorts and underwear. It’s not that I want to, but I’m thinking about what’s best for him in this situation. About how he would feel if someone found us in here.

“Do we have to?” Blaine asks and sighs as he pulls up his swim trunks as well.

“You’d rather stay here, locked in a bathroom?”

“I’d rather be anywhere but here, at this house, at this pool party, anywhere where I can be alone with you.”

“I know, baby, me too; but we’re here now, and we have to face this party sooner or later. Unless you invent some magical teleportation device to get us out of here.” I try to lighten the mood, otherwise we’ll both get sad and neither will enjoy the evening. I know I won’t anyway, but I want Blaine to have fun.

“I know… Okay, let’s face the music. Just know that whatever happens out there tonight, I’d rather be anywhere with you.” He takes my hand in his and kisses me. “I love you so much, Kurt.”

“I love you too, baby.” I answer and kiss him again, not really liking the _whatever happens out there tonight_ part, but I pretend it doesn’t bother me.

“Okay, I’m gonna go now.” Blaine says and gives me another kiss. And another. He really doesn’t want to go back down stairs, but after another kiss, he reaches for the door knob and unlocks the door.

“Her name is Amanda.” I say before he turns the knob.

“Who?”

“The girl on your lap. You should know her name if you’re going to hang with her.”

“I’m not going to hang with her.” Blaine says irritated. “How do you know her name anyway?”

“Alice told me.”

“Okay, and who’s Alice?”

“Alice is Amanda’s best friend. She came to ask me if you were single, and she also managed to hit on me at the same time.”

“Hit on you? I don’t like the sound of that…” Blaine says warningly. “Nobody comes near what’s mine.”

“I told her I was gay.”

Blaine raises an eyebrow. “Just like that?” 

“Yes, just like that.” I want to tell him that it wasn’t a big deal. She didn’t flinch or react in any way at all actually, and it really can be that easy. But I don’t want him to feel pressured. I know this whole process takes time, and I know I can’t make it go any faster for him. So I don’t say that. “I might actually have snapped at her and told her to pretend we never met.”

Blaine laughs. “I wished I would have seen that.”

“Well, her friend was all over you, and she came asking me if you were single. I didn’t feel like being nice to her.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her that you don’t have a girlfriend, which is the truth. But now I think that was a bad idea because now Amanda is going to come on to you even harder.”

“She can try all she wants; she’s not going to succeed. You know that, right?”

“Yes, I know.”

“Good.” Blaine says and takes a step towards me and moves in to kiss me.

At that exact moment the door opens, and a guy I haven’t seen before walks in. Blaine drops my hand and literally jumps three feet back. He looks caught, startled almost, and his eyes moves back and forth between me and this guy. 

“Oh, sorry.” The guy says. “Didn’t know anyone was in here.”

“No problem, we were just talking.” I tell him as casually as I can, but my heart is racing, and I wonder how much he has seen. Blaine appears to be frozen on the spot and doesn’t say or do anything.

“Can you maybe talk somewhere else? I need to take a piss.” The guy says. He’s drunk, and it doesn’t appear as if he has seen anything.

“Sure.” I say and look at Blaine but there’s no reaction from him. “Come on, Blaine,” I say, but Blaine is still frozen on the spot. “Blaine, let’s go.” I say and grab his arm and start dragging him out of the bathroom. He finally seems to come alive, and we quickly move out of the room. I feel like laughing, but Blaine looks so serious, and the laughter is caught in my throat.

“That was close,” I whisper to him when the door closes behind us.

“Do you think he saw anything?” Blaine is scared, and I put my hand on his arm to calm and reassure him, but he quickly takes a step away from me so that my hand falls down by my side again. It’s a small movement, but the meaning behind it is big, and it hurts that he flinches from my touch. I look around, but there’s no one there.

“He was too drunk to notice anything. Relax, baby.”

“No… I can’t stay here with you, I have to go. I’m sorry, Kurt…” He looks at me with a mix of despair and apology before he turns around and walks away. I stand frozen, watching him disappear down the hall and then down the stairs.

_I can’t stay here with you_. It’s like he has forgotten that we’re first and foremost friends and that nobody would even raise an eyebrow if they saw us alone talking to each other. We’re always together, even before we were _together_ , but now I can’t help but feel that him being seen with me is the worst thing that can happen to him. And that hurts even more than him flinching from my touch.

I know he’s struggling with dealing with the whole situation of what’s happening between us and how to explain that to himself and to others, and I know I shouldn’t be mad at him for reacting the way he just did. But I just can’t help feeling just that. Mad. Does this mean that we can’t even be friends around other people anymore?

I still love him, and I still want us to be boyfriends, even if it’s only when no one else is around, but I don’t want us to be distancing ourselves from each other when other people are nearby. We’re still best friends. Losing that, if that is what’s going to happen, makes me question if it’s worth it.

I follow Blaine downstairs feeling irritated at the whole situation. Coming out into the backyard and seeing Blaine surrounded by a bunch of girls, including Amanda and Alice, doesn’t help with putting that feeling at ease. I try to tell myself that it’s all an act, it’s all for show, it’s all pretend, but it doesn’t help. I’m still mad and irritated when I turn my back towards Blaine and walk over to the seating area where I spot Quinn and Puck. Right now, I’d rather spend time with Puck, who isn’t my biggest supporter to put it mildly, than stand there and watch Blaine putting on a show for some girls.

“Hey, Hummel!”

I turn towards where the voice is coming from and find myself face to face with three guys I recognize as Emily’s friends. They look annoyed, and I know that whatever is about to happen is not going to be good. Behind them, I see Emily and her friend Shelly. Emily is wearing a cocky smile, like she’s enjoying the situation, which I bet she is.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” One of the guys called Caleb continues in a condescending tone. “Oh, no that’s right, you’re not into girls anymore. Maybe I should ask where your boyfriend is?”

He’s speaking loud enough for everyone around us to hear. It’s not like I’m ashamed of who I am, but I’m also a very private person, and this is not the way I want my former fellow high school students to find out.

“Oh, no boyfriend, huh?” Seth continues. “Couldn’t find one who liked your ugly gay face, Hummel?”

“Maybe you should just get out of here, nobody wants to be around a fag.” Troy says.

They are all standing with crossed arms, laughing, feeling proud of themselves. And I just want to be anywhere but here. I don’t know what to say, the words are all stuck in my throat.

“You’re the ones who should get out of here.” Puck is standing next to me. “Leave Kurt alone, he hasn’t done anything to you.”

“He’s a faggot,” Caleb spits out, “and he dated Emily even though he knew he was a fag. Poor Emily has been feeling so disgusted by this that she can’t even sleep. He needs to apologize to her.”

“You should apologize to Kurt, and after that you can leave. You’re uninvited.” Quinn steps up next to my other side and takes my hand in hers.

Troy huffs. “We’re not apologizing to a fag, no way. He’s the one who needs to leave and not force us to be around someone like him.”

“No one’s forcing you to be here.” Puck says. “You heard Quinn, you’re uninvited. Now leave.”

I see in the corner of my eye that Sam has joined us and is standing next to Quinn. I look around for Blaine. I want him here with me. I need him here with me. I spot him still standing by the pool. He, like everyone else, is looking at the scene happening in front of him, but he refuses to meet my eye. Instead I see him turn his back to me and walk away.

I can’t believe Blaine is abandoning me now. Not when I need him the most. I need my best friend. No matter if we’re boyfriends or not, I need him to take my side in this. At least to prove to me that I matter to him. That above all, he’s my friend. If he can’t do that, what hope is there for us?

Instead my other friends are the ones fighting my battle. Even Puck, who feels pretty much the same as these guys about me, is standing up for me, because that’s what friends do. They have your back no matter what. No matter what disagreements you have; true friends are there for you when you need them.

Their words and Blaine walking away from me when I need him to stand by my side leaves me speechless. I can’t find it in me to say anything; it just feels like everything is falling apart. 

“I think everyone here agrees with us that Kurt’s the one who needs to leave. Nobody wants to be around someone like him.” Seth says.

“Boys, boys, boys.” I hear Alice voice from behind me. She steps around Puck and positions herself between me and the trio in front of me. “This party was so much fun until you three showed up, and now this is turning into a very depressing event. Nobody wants to feel depressed, and since you obviously don’t like hanging around my friend Kurt here, I suggest you leave. You can continue your sad, ignorant little lives somewhere else, and we can continue to have a good, open-minded, carefree party here.”

My friends look questioningly at me. Maybe they recognize Alice from school, but they have never seen me talk to her before, and to have her standing up for me, defending me, is probably a little unexpected for them. It is for me at least.

“You heard her,” Sam says. “Do you need to be escorted out of here, or can you find the way yourselves?”

The trio looks around for supporters, but when no one appears to be on their side, they seem to feel outnumbered. 

“Be careful fag.” Troy says to me. “If we find you alone…”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Puck says, and he and Sam take a few steps towards them. 

“Don’t you dare threaten Kurt in my home, assholes!“ Quinn says furiously, and I’m glad she’s already holding my hand, so that I can hold her back, otherwise, I think she would have jumped them.

“Get out of here. Now!” Sam says, and the trio reluctantly walks away with Emily and Shelly following in their footsteps.

Puck and Sam follow them to make sure they leave the property. Quinn leads me away from the stare of everyone and takes me inside to the kitchen. Alice follows us inside.

“Who were those idiots?” Alice asks.

“Are you okay, Kurt?” Quinn asks, and I shake my head because I am anything but okay. I start shaking as the realization of what just happened hits me. I sink down on the floor with my back against a kitchen cupboard, pull my knees up and start to cry. 

“Where’s Blaine?” Quinn asks. “He should have been here.”

“I can go find him.” Alice suggests.

“No, don’t.” I don’t want to be anywhere near Blaine right now. I’m so mad at him for turning his back on me that I can’t even stand to look at him. I need to calm down before I deal with him.

“Are you sure? “Alice asks. “It’s not a problem.”

“He should have been the one telling those idiots to get the hell out of here. Where is he??” Quinn adds angrily.

I shake my head again and burry my head in my hands. Tears are running freely down my face, and I can’t seem to stop them. Quinn sits down next to me.

“Did you two have a fight? Did he do something to you?” Quinn asks.

I understand why she’s asking. Blaine and I have always been inseparable, and me not wanting him around is not like me.

“No, he didn’t do anything.” I answer her. He did nothing, and that’s the fucking problem. But I can’t tell her the truth. No matter how mad I am, I’m not going to out him.

Quinn puts her arm around my shoulders but doesn’t say anything more, for which I am forever grateful. Alice sits down on my other side.

“So I’m gonna ask again, who were those idiots?”

I tell her about Emily, that I broke up with her, how she reacted when she found out that I was gay and that she had been dating a gay guy.

“Those guys are her friends.” I add in the end.

“Well, they’re all ignorant idiots. What’s it to them whom you love? What’s it to anyone? Love is love, it’s pretty simple.” Alice says and gives my knee a reassuring squeeze.

“Thank you, Ali.” I say and smile at her through my tears. I try to wipe them away, but they’re numerous and keep coming.

“Ali, huh? Only my friends call me Ali. Does this mean you’re not going to continue your life as if we’ve never met?” Ali asks playfully.

“Little chance of that after what you just did for me.” I say. “As long as you can remember my name.”

“It’s Keith, right?” Ali winks at me, and I let out a small laugh. She’s a handful, but I honestly like her and how she makes me laugh even though I’m feeling miserable.

“How do you two know each other?” Quinn asks and turns to Ali. “I’ve never seen you before, and I’ve known Kurt since fifth grade.”

“We just met.” Ali starts. “My friend wanted to know if Blaine was single, so she sent me over to ask Kurt. We started talking, and I really liked him and his sassiness.”

“Kurt, sassy?” Quinn asks a little disbelievingly. 

“Yes, he’s so funny. But I think he hates me. He couldn't get rid of me fast enough, but I needed an answer for my friend, so I didn’t stop bugging him until I got my answer. I guess Blaine is with Amanda if you want to find him.”

“I don’t hate you.” I tell her. A queasy feeling creeps into my stomach at the thought of Blaine being with Amanda. Of course, he would be with her. It’s such a much easier option than being with me.

Ali smiles. “Not now, but you did an hour ago.”

I smile back at her. My tears have finally stopped, but the uneasy feeling won’t go away. “Maybe just a little bit.”

I hear a clatter of voices and footsteps, and when I look up I see Mike and Tina rushing into the kitchen.

“Kurt!” Tina exclaims. “We just heard what happened. Are you okay?”

I nod my reply as they both come over to where we sit and kneel next to us.

“We’re so sorry we weren’t there for you.” Mike says.

“I would totally have told those guys to fuck off.” Tina says upset.

“Where were you guys?” Quinn asks equally upset.

“We were upstairs f…” Mike starts, but Quinn quickly cuts him off.

“Okay, we don’t need to know that you two were fucking.”

“I was going to say fooling around, but yeah, we were…”

“Okay, okay, like Quinn said, they don’t need to know the details honey.” Tina buts in scolding at Mike. Then she turn towards me again. “But we are truly sorry we weren’t here for you.”

“It’s okay, you were there in spirit.” I tell Tina reassuringly. “Besides these two and Sam and Puck where there, and that was enough.”

“Who are you?” Tina asks looking at Ali. 

At the same time, Mike asks “Where’s Blaine?”

But before anyone can answer any of the questions Sam and Puck come into the kitchen. They stop in the doorway. I guess we’re quite the sight, all of us sitting down here on the floor.

“The morons have all left the party.” Puck says as he leans against the doorframe.

“Yep, I’m pretty sure we won’t be seeing them any time soon.” Sam says. “Nobody really seemed to care, so I think it’s safe for you to go out and enjoy the party again, Kurt.”

“Thanks, Sam, not sure I feel like partying though.” I tell him before I turn to Puck. “And thank you, Puck, for standing up for me. I know you don’t agree-“

“Nobody messes with my friends.” Puck says firmly. “No matter what.”

“Still, thank you.”

Puck leaves the doorway and takes a few steps into the kitchen. “Look, Kurt. I’m sorry. You’re my friend and who you like isn’t any of my business. I might not fully agree, but you’re still you, and I’m sorry it took me this time and those three morons to realize that.”

“Thank you.” This is probably as close to an acceptance as I will ever get from him, and right now, it’s more than enough. 

I feel somewhat lighter after Puck’s words. All of my friends are here for me, and I feel lucky to have them. I know now for certain, even if I probably assumed it before, that these guys will be my friends for the rest of my life. Everyone is here, except for the one who matters the most.

“Come here.” Puck says and holds out his arms. “You gotta give me a hug now.”

I get up from the floor, walk over to Puck and let him hug me. 

“Don’t let what those guys said get inside your head.” Quinn says. “They’re the ones who are wrong, not you Kurt, you know that, right?”

“I’ll try my best.” I tell her, knowing that it won’t be that easy to not replay those words in my head over and over again. It’s already happening.

Puck lets go of me but keeps a protective arm around my shoulders. I turn towards my friends still sitting on the floor. “Thank you all of you for being there for me. It really means everything. I’m feeling okay now, so please go out there again and enjoy the party.” I’m not really feeling okay, but I don’t want this to turn into a pity party. Right now, I think I just want to be alone.

“Kurt... Can I talk to you?” 

I tense as I hear Blaine’s voice behind me. His voice is low with a hint of sadness in it. I didn’t hear him come into the house, and I don’t know how long he’s been standing there. I don’t want to talk to him. Not here, and not now. I’m not ready to face him yet, especially not in the presence of all of our friends. I want to yell at him for bailing on me, but I also want to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I can’t do either of these things when we’re not alone. I can’t even turn around and look at him. I’m still so mad at him. Looking at his face, and into his mesmerizing hazel eyes that I so easily get lost in, would most likely kill me right now.

“No, you can’t.”

The silence around us is deafening. We’ve never argued or had a disagreement before, I think our friends don’t know what to do or think, and nobody dares to say anything. I don’t care if I’m making a scene or if there will be a lot of questions to answer later on. I just can’t deal with him now.

“Kurt, please…”

I stay frozen on the spot, unable to move. I shake my head, and I just want him to realize that I can’t talk to him now, that I want him to go away.

Puck removes his arm from my shoulders and turns towards Blaine. “Where have you been?”

“Shut up! I want to talk to Kurt alone. Can you give us some space?” There is an angry tone in his voice that I don’t like, and I feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes again. Everybody remains where they are, uncertain of what to do.

“Well, he clearly doesn’t want to talk to you.” Ali gets up from the floor and walks over to me. “Come on, Kurt, do you want to get out of here?”

I nod, but my feet aren’t moving. Ali grabs my shoulders and guides me towards the door, but as we’re about to pass, Blaine steps out and blocks the doorway. He doesn’t say anything, but I can feel him silently pleading for me to talk to him. 

But I just can’t.

“Move.” I say in a low, almost growling voice, without looking at him.

Blaine hesitates for a few seconds, raises his hand as if to touch me, but lowers it again before it reaches my arm. In the end, he decides to let us through without further arguments. Ali steers me out to the backyard where the party is continuing as though nothing has happened. She finds a secluded place farther away in the big garden. There is a bench surrounded by some smaller bushes and other plants. She sits me down on it and joins me.

“I don’t understand what happened in there, but if you want to talk about it, I’m a good listener.”

“I don’t.”

“I figured you wouldn’t.” Ali sighs. “Look, Kurt, I don’t know you that well, or at all, but I do know that Blaine is your best friend, and you probably should talk to him before this thing, whatever it is that’s going on between the two of you, gets too big and becomes this insurmountable thing between you that you don’t know how to handle.”

“I know…” It’s my time to sigh. “I just need some time and space to breathe before I talk to him.” 

“I’m good at breathing too.” Ali breathes in and out exaggeratedly. “See.”

I laugh at her because she looks really funny with her excessive breathing, it’s like straight from a Lamaze class.

“And apparently, I’m good at making you laugh, too.”

“Yes, you appear to have a lot of skills.”

“And right now, they’re all focused on making you feel better.”

“Why are you being so nice to me? You don’t even know me.”

“I don’t have to know you to know that you’re a good guy. Someone who doesn’t deserve to be treated the way those guys treated you. You’re someone whose best friend bailed on him, and you’re someone who probably needs support from an outsider who isn’t mixed up in everything. I told you before, I like you and your sassy ways.” Ali lets out a small laugh.

“I’m not really like that. I’m actually more of the shy, quiet type.” I look down at my hands, feeling particularly shy right now.

“Either way, I like you, and I think it would be really cool if we could be friends.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Give me your phone.”

I hand her my phone, she puts in her number, and then dials her own phone so that she has mine. “Now you can call me whenever you want to talk to someone who isn’t going to be forced to pick sides. Or if you just want to get a coffee.”

“I wish I’d met you sooner, when I was still in high school. I’m moving to New York in a couple of weeks…”

“Cool. You better call me and tell me all about it. I can’t wait to get out of here next year.”

“Where do you want to go?” I ask and put my phone back in my pocket.

“I have no clue, just anywhere away from here. I’m so sick of this town.”

I’m about to ask her why when my phone starts ringing. “It’s probably Blaine.” I say without reaching for my phone.

“You’re not going to answer?”

“I guess…” I’m not sure I want to have this conversation over the phone, but I also know I have to talk to him sooner or later. And we did promise that we would always talk to each other, no matter what.

I answer the phone without looking at the display. “What do you want?” My voice is harsh but I’m still upset with him and I need him to know that.

“Is that how you greet all your friends, or just me?” I hear a familiar voice who isn’t Blaine’s answer back.

“Oliver… I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else…” Great, like this evening couldn’t get any worse, now I have to deal with Oliver as well.

“Obviously.” Oliver says and I can sense the eye roll even though I can’t see him. “What’s up Kurt? I’ve been trying to call you, but you never call me back.”

I’ve been avoiding Oliver’s calls, thinking he would figure out I’m not interested if I continue to ignore him. I’ve texted him that I don’t see us being anything more than friends, but I don’t know if he accepted that answer or if he’s going to insist on a second date.

“I’ve been kind of busy these past days…”

“Either that or you’re just avoiding me.”

“No, no I’m haven’t.” I say and kick myself mentally. Why did I say that?

“Good, cause I would really like to see you again.”

I’m not in the mood to deal with him right now. “Look, Oliver, this is really not a good time to talk. Can we do this another day?”

“Sure…bu-“

“Great, talk to you later.” I say and hang up on him. I know it’s mean, but I’m seriously not in the mood to talk to him right now. 

“Who’s Oliver?” Ali asks intrigued.

“Just a guy I dated once, but I’m not interested. He, however, seems to be very interested.” I put away my phone in my pocket, reminding myself to always screen my calls before I answer them.

“Why not interested?” Ali asks curiously.

“Not my type.” I say and shrug.

“I never did ask you before, but do you have a boyfriend?”

I never have been fond of lying, and I don’t want to start now. “Next question please.”

“It’s a pretty simple question. It’s just a yes or no answer.”

“I’m still going with _next question_.” 

“Okaay…” Ali says, dragging out the ‘a’. She stays silent for a few moments staring out into space. Suddenly she lights up and turns to me with a wicked smile on her lips. “Oh! Now I see.”

“No, you don’t.” I’m scared she’s figured everything out. She has already proven that she’s smart, and with everything she’s witnessed the last hour or so, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has figured it out.

“But I think I do.”

“Whatever it is you’re thinking, of which I’m confirming nothing, please keep it to yourself. It’s sort of a… sensitive topic.” I’m pleading with both my voice and my eyes.

She looks at me, obviously contemplating what to do. I know I can’t expect her to keep quiet about this, it’s seriously juicy gossip, and we don’t really know each other that well (or at all), but I hope she was serious when she said she wanted us to be friends.

“Fine.” She finally says. “But I think you owe me big time.”

“Anything.” I tell her instantly. “If you keep quiet.” 

“I was kidding Kurt, you don’t owe me anything, but that just confirmed that I’m right about my suspicions.” Ali smiles at me and I relax a little bit. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you.” I feel confident enough to hug her. She hugs me back, and when we let go, she leans back against the backrest and looks up at the stars.

“Wow, what a revelation. Who would have thought… I think all of my friends have had a crush on him at some point, I think half of the school has.” Ali says, and it’s not like that’s news to me, but still it makes me feel a little nauseated. 

His life would be so much easier if he choose to be with one of them instead of me. How long before he realizes that too? I’ve been so confident in what we have, but after tonight, I’m not so sure anymore. Why would he choose to be with me when that makes his life so much harder and only causes him to question himself? If he is bi, why wouldn’t he choose an easier life with a girlfriend?

Maybe it’s been foolish of me to believe that we’re solid after only being boyfriends for a few days, when clearly there are still so many aspects of this where we’re not.

Is this really what I want? A boyfriend whose biggest nightmare is that anyone will find out that he’s my boyfriend. Someone who lets that overshadow everything else, to the point where he can’t even be seen as my friend. I don’t know if I can forgive him for what he did tonight. He turned his fucking back on me when I needed him. 

“You’re a lucky guy.” Ali continues, unaware of my inner thoughts.

“I’m not so sure about that…” I don’t feel particularly lucky right now.

“What happened between the two of you?”

“You saw what happened to me tonight, everybody saw it. Blaine too…”

“But he didn’t stand up for you…” Ali says and slowly lets those words sink in as the meaning behind that becomes clear to her. “Why didn’t he?”

“I don’t know! I say in frustration. But I do know. I know, but that doesn’t take away the hurt I felt when he walked away. 

“He’s an idiot.” Ali says. “Maybe you shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t have your back.”

I wish it was that simple, but there’s so many layers to this that she isn’t aware of.

“He’s not an idiot. He’s just confused and conflicted.” Amidst it all, I still feel the need to defend him. Nobody but me gets to be mad at him.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready for Blaine's POV to what happened in the last chapter? I will post two chapters today, because this is another one of those two chapters that are actually one but with a change of narrator in the second. Also 100 kudos! Yay! It's much more than I expected coming into this as a new writer way after Glee ended. Thank you to all of you for reading my story! And finally all my love to Roxy for another week of amazing beta work. Are your atoms put back together yet? ;)  
> Next update will be in a week.

**Blaine, Thursday July 7th 2012, 4.37 am**

I screwed up. I knew I was screwing up while it was happening, but I didn’t see any other option. I just couldn’t…

I need to find Kurt. I know he’s still here somewhere because his car is still in the driveway. The party is over, everyone has either gone home or to sleep. I’ve been waiting the entire night for this moment to find him. I want to talk to him without the chance of anyone interrupting us. 

If he’ll talk to me that is.

I panicked before. It was all too much at the same time, and I just couldn’t be by Kurt’s side. Being caught kissing him shook me up, and when those guys, minutes later, were attacking him, it felt as if everyone would know if I defended him. They would know about us. That they would know what we just did in that bathroom. I didn’t know how to handle it. 

I don’t know how much damage I have done to our relationship, if there even is a relationship left. Just thinking that makes me feel like I want to throw up. What if I screwed up too much? What if this is it? What if he can’t forgive me? I’ve never let him down before. I can’t even think about all the ways it will hurt if I can’t be with him.

Everything is silent as I walk towards the house, the only sounds being heard are the pumps in the pool circulating the water. The lawn is littered with discarded beer cans, red solo cups and a surprisingly large amount of bikini tops. The sun is about to rise. The first pale light of the new day barely visible in the sky.

I know I’m the one who made a mistake, but he’s the one who decided to ignore our promise to always talk to each other. Instead, he chose to leave with that girl. Why would he rather walk away with her than stay and talk to me? I know I did wrong, but that’s all the more reason to talk. I need to find him. I need to explain and make things right.

After Kurt left, our friends were all over me, demanding to know where I’d been, why I hadn’t been there for Kurt, asking why Kurt wouldn’t talk to me, asking if something happened between us. I couldn’t deal with any of them, or their questions, so I told them to fuck off and I left. I didn’t have any answers to give them, and I didn’t feel like being yelled at by anyone but Kurt. I wish he would have stayed and yelled at me. That would have been a thousand times better than the silent treatment he decided to give me.

Instead, I got wasted. I just wanted to forget for a little while. I hung out with people whom I normally wouldn’t hang with. People who wouldn’t ask any questions, who were as drunk as I. But the alcohol didn’t make me forget. If anything, it made me replay the disappointed look on Kurt’s face over and over and over… Whenever I closed my eyes, he was there, not looking at me but still seeing straight through me. I might have kicked some chairs and thrown some beer cans, I don’t really remember. I just remember feeling miserable all night. I wanted to talk to him so bad. I needed to know if I could save this, if there’s anything left to be saved. I figured I’d give him some time to let things calm down, but I can’t wait any longer. I need to find him now.

I left the group I was hanging with sometime after midnight, and I’ve just been sitting by myself by a tree in the back of the garden, waiting for everyone to go home. Now there’s nothing but silence, and I’m sure everyone who is left is asleep. I walk into the living room where I see Sam sleeping on a couch. I take the stairs to the second floor, bypassing Quinn’s room because I’m pretty sure he isn’t in there. I open the door to her parent’s room, but quickly close it again when I spot Mike and Tina. 

I walk to the door that leads to the spare bedroom hoping to find Kurt and not Puck, because if he’s not there I don’t know where to look. Kurt isn’t the type of person to sleep in a bathtub, that’s more of a Puck thing. I quietly open the door and let out a slow breath when I see Kurt sleeping on the bed. He’s laying on top of the covers with his clothes still on. It’s such an unusual thing for Kurt to do. He’s normally very meticulous about his clothes and would never dream of going to sleep in them. Fuck. This is so bad.

He looks peaceful, laying there all curled up on the bed with his arms wrapped around a pillow. But I know that he’s not. I know he’s upset with me and peaceful is probably the last word he’d use to describe himself. 

I feel bad about waking him, but I can’t wait any longer. Even if he’s going to be mad, and this is going to be so hard, I can’t put this off. I have to know the damage I’ve done. I kneel by the bed and shake him lightly, gently whispering his name. He stirs awake slowly, looking around a bit disoriented.

“Hey.” I say softly.

He looks at me and frowns. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost five. Can we talk?”

Kurt grunts. “Go away, Blaine. I’m tired.” He closes his eyes again and turns his back to me.

“Please, Kurt.” I plead. “I need to talk to you now. I won’t be able to sleep until we talk.” _I can’t breathe until we talk._

“Well tough luck. You’re not the only one who’s been having trouble sleeping tonight. Now leave.”

It’s understandable that he’s mad, but if I can only get him to listen to me and make him understand…

Kurt turns his head and sniffs. “Have you been drinking?”

“Just a little.” I admit even though we both know it’s been more than just a little. The effects are wearing off though. “Can we please talk? We said we would always talk to each other about things, even the difficult stuff.”

Kurt turns around and opens his eyes again. He rubs them as he sits up on the bed. “Fine. Talk.” He hugs his legs and rests his chin on his knees.

“Are we okay?” I ask, needing to know. Needing him to reassure me that we are.

“I don’t know. Are we?” Kurt asks back in a tired, slightly harsh voice.

“I hope so…I want us to be.” My heart is racing. Not knowing what’s going to happen between us is torture.

“What happened tonight?” Kurt looks so sad, and I see now that his eyes are red from crying. Knowing I made him cry is devastating, and I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him for all eternity. But I know he would push me away if I tried. “I know you saw those guys. I saw you watching us. How could you turn your back on me and walk away?”

I close my eyes hard. I’m ashamed of my behavior, but I didn’t feel like I had any options right then. “I just panicked… I didn’t know what to do…” I want to say so much more, but I can’t find the words to explain what happened. My mind is a little fuzzy from the alcohol, and I’ve never been good at this, especially not when I’m the one who has done something wrong. The words are there, I just can’t get them out.

“Do you have any idea how that made me feel? You were the only one I wanted by my side, and you just turned your back on me. It broke my heart…”

“I’m so, so sorry Kurt.” I take his hand in mine, not sure if he’ll let me keep it there. “I screwed up, I know. I’ll do anything to make it up to you… Please…”

“It’s not that easy Blaine… I just…” Kurt sighs, but at least he isn’t pulling away from my touch. “I needed you, and you weren’t there. I don’t know how to deal with that. We’re friends Blaine, best friends, and even if we are more than friends, we are first and foremost friends. I understand that you couldn’t stand by my side as my boyfriend, and that’s not what this is about, but I needed my friend.”

“I know… I’m sorry… I just panicked.” I say again. Why is this so hard? I know what I want to say. Still, talking to him and trying to explain is so hard. I don’t want it to be. We’ve always been able to talk about everything, and I don’t want this thing that is happening between us changing that.

“Why?”

I take a deep breath. This is the only chance I’ll get. If I don’t take it, maybe there won’t be anything left after this night. “After that guy walked in on us in the bathroom, I was in shock, and it just felt like everyone would know about us if I got up there and defended you, and I just couldn’t…” I admit shamefully. “I had this vision of that guy coming back downstairs, and he’d see me standing there next to you. I could see it so clearly in front of me how he would join in with those guys and loudly proclaim that he just saw us kissing. And then there is this.” I say and point at the hickey on my neck. “Everyone already thinks I’m seeing someone because of this, and they’re trying to figure out whom since I won’t tell them who put it there. They know you are gay, and I just thought they would all put one and one together, and that scared me so much because I’m not ready for anyone to find out about me.”

I see Kurt’s features soften a little, but he’s still upset. “Do you think anyone thought Puck was gay because he defended me? Or because he has a hickey on his neck?”

“I don’t know… Does he?”

Kurt rolls his eyes and sighs. “Everyone knows that we are friends, nobody would have assumed anything about us. It’s more suspicious that you weren’t by my side.”

“Maybe…” Maybe Kurt is right, but I feel like he isn’t even trying to see my side of things. “Why didn’t you stay and talk to me?” I ask, looking down at the floor. “We promised that we would always-”

“Yeah, well in the process of becoming boyfriends,” Kurt cuts me off, “I think we included an unspoken promise to never hurt each other…”

He’s upset. But more than that he is hurting. It was never my intention to hurt him. I never wanted to bring any of these feelings upon him. I want to love him and make him feel all the emotions you’re supposed to feel when you’re in love. It’s all just so god damn complicated. And even though I know he’s hurting, and it’s all because of me, I can’t get over the fact that he choose that girl over me.

“Why did you leave with that girl who you don’t even know? Why didn’t you stay with me?”

“Why?” Kurt snorts and removes his hand from mine before he continues. “Because even though she doesn’t know me, she stood up for me. Even after only talking to me for five minutes, she showed greater respect for me than my supposedly best friend who has known me half my life. That’s why!”

“Supposedly?” I ask and feel myself slouching.

“Well I’m not sure anymore...”

It feels like I’m losing him. Kurt is never going to forgive me, I can just feel it. This is not what he wants. He might be in love with me, but everything that comes with that - I’m not sure he can handle it now that he knows what being my boyfriend entails. It’s easy to say, when it’s just the two of us, that he doesn’t mind me not being open about loving him. But in the real world, it’s never going to be just him and me. There are always going to be other factors influencing me, and the way I behave around him. Is it enough then that I love him behind closed doors?

But I can’t lose him. I just can’t. I don’t know how to go on if I do. I feel them coming, the tears that are welling up in my eyes. “I’m still your best friend Kurt. I made a mistake, I know that. Please tell me how I can fix this. I love you so much, and I can’t stand us falling apart.”

Kurt breathes out slowly. “I love you too. But if us being boyfriends is risking our friendship, I’m not sure I can do this... I think I’d rather go back to just being friends.”

“Really?” I don’t know if I’m shocked and offended or if that just made me love him even more.

“Yes.”

“Are we still boyfriends, or are you breaking up with me?” I hold my breath waiting for his answer. It’s like time is standing still. All I can hear is his breathing and my heart beating out of my chest.

Kurt scoots off the bed and down on the floor next to me. “I want us to be boyfriends.” He takes both of my hands in his. “I don’t want to break up with you, but I can’t do this if you’re going to ignore me whenever we’re around other people.”

“I won’t.” I promise and lean forward to kiss him, hoping he won’t pull back. I need this kiss, and I need him to want it, too. I need him to kiss me in a way that lets me know we’re going to be okay. Kurt doesn’t pull away. Instead he cups my face and deepens the kiss. Kissing him feels so right. I never want to fight with him ever again. 

When he does pull away, he looks straight into my eyes. “You have to be able to separate us as friends and us as boyfriends when we’re with other people. If you don’t give them a reason to suspect anything, they will never know.”

“What happened tonight will never happen again. I promise you Kurt. I will never let you down, and I promise I will always do anything I can to keep you safe. I thought I’d lost you, and it felt like the world would implode on me. I can’t be without you.” I could promise him anything right now and mean it. If he asked me to step out from the shadows, I would. 

But he’s Kurt, so he doesn’t ask me to do that. Because he knows I’m not ready. I would though, if the alternative was losing him.

“I don’t want to be without you either.” Kurt’s fingers brush over my neck, where the hickey is. I shiver under his touch and when he notices, he moves his mouth closer to my neck. When his lips connects with that spot again, I can’t help but lean my head to the side and enjoy the pleasure that’s running through me.

Kurt lips move to mine, and he kisses me again. “You taste like beer. How much have you been drinking?”

“Just a little…” Kurt gives me a look that tells me he doesn’t believe me. “Okay, maybe a lot… I kind of wanted to forget what happened. You refused to talk to me, and I didn’t know what to do.”

Kurt sighs and kisses me again. “Don’t treat me like I’m nothing again.”

“I won’t, I promise.” I state firmly, and then I add in a more uncertain tone, “Do you think they suspect anything?”

“Our friends?” Kurt asks, and I nod. “I think they definitely suspect that something happened between us, but not this. You better come up with a believable explanation as to why you acted the way you did.”

I sigh. “I know. I’ll figure something out.” I take his hands in mine and intertwine our fingers. I look him straight in the eyes. “Are you sure we’re okay?”

“We’re okay. You messed up, but you promised me you won’t do it again, and I believe you. You are after all a trustworthy man.” Kurt smirks and places a soft kiss on my lips. When he leans back again, there’s this worried line between his eyebrows.

“What is it?” I ask.

“There’s something I need to tell you, but you have to promise me you won’t freak out because it’s not as bad as you’re gonna think it is.”

I’m already freaking out, but I try to stay calm. “Okay…”

“Ali, that girl you saw me with,“ Kurt says, “she sort of figured out that you and I are boyfriends… I swear, I didn’t tell her-“

Kurt keeps talking, but I don’t hear what he’s saying, as I am too busy freaking out. All I can think about is that if she figured it out, everyone will figure it out. Everyone already knows. 

Everything just sort of becomes a blur after that.

“Blaine?” Kurt’s hands are stroking up and down my arms, and there’s concern in his voice. “Blaine? It’s okay.”

“Everyone knows…” I say, panic creeping all over my skin. I thought I might be okay with the idea of people knowing about us, turns out, I’m not now that it could be a reality.

“No, everyone does not know. Ali knows, but she won’t tell anyone. She promised me.”

God I didn’t even think about that! I feel myself starting to hyperventilate. She will tell all of her friends and then…

“Blaine. Blaine, calm down.” Kurt wraps himself around me. “It’s okay. I promise you everything is going to be okay. Nobody else knows. It’s okay.” He hugs me even tighter.

“You don’t know that.” How can he sit there and say everything is going to be okay. Everything is not okay. Everything is a fucking nightmare.

Kurt lets go of me just a little bit, so that he can look at me. “She only figured it out because she asked me if you were single, but I refused to answer, and then she asked me if I had a boyfriend, but I refused to answer that, too. Then she saw what happened between us tonight. That’s the only reason she figured it out.”

 _Oh, God, this is so bad…_ I bury my face in his neck.

“But nobody else will make that connection Blaine. I’m sorry but our friends aren’t that smart.”

“Excuse me?! Not smart?” I feel myself panic even more. “Mike is going to MIT, Tina is going to be a doctor, and Quinn is going to be a lawyer. I think that qualifies as pretty fucking smart!”

“Okay, they are that kind of smart, but they’re not mind readers. Nobody thinks I’m dating anyone, least of all you. They know I went out with Oliver last week, but that I’m not interested. It will never cross their minds that I’m already seeing someone new. As far as they know, I’m very single. As for you with that hickey, I’m pretty sure they’re thinking you found a new girl. All they know is you dating girls, and they would have to have very vivid imaginations to come up with you dating me.” He pulls my head away from his neck and looks straight into my eyes. “I promise you Blaine, nobody knows.”

I let his words sink in as I contemplate what he just said. He does make a convincing argument. How is it possible for him to always know what to say? Every time I’m questioning things, he’s there helping me to see them more clearly.

“Are you sure you can trust her?” I ask, feeling a little bit more relaxed than just minutes ago.

“Ali? Yes I’m sure. We’re friends, and I trust her when she said she wouldn’t say anything.”

“Okay...” 

Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I overreacted to everything that happened tonight. I’m just not ready for it. For everyone knowing. I am however ready for this night to be over. Kurt and I are okay, that’s the only thing that matters. “I love you,” I tell him.

“I love you, too, Blaine.” Kurt says and places a gentle kiss on my forehead. “Can we go back to sleep now? I need to get up in two hours and help my dad in the shop, and I’ve been sort of having a shitty night so far.”

“I was gonna ask you if you wanted to go outside with me and watch the sunrise.”

Kurt looks at me, his features softening and there’s something sparkling in his eyes. “When did you become this romantic guy? First fireworks and now sunrises?”

“It’s all you, Kurt.” I say and brush my fingers over his cheek. It’s true. I’ve never wanted to do these things with anyone before. But with Kurt, everything is different. “You make me feel things I’ve never felt before. You make me want to do things for you and with you that I’ve never wanted in a relationship before.”

“Aww, baby. Come here.” Kurt pulls me in for a kiss that’s so passionate, it takes me by surprise. It leaves me breathless and has my toes curling. My hand moves up to the back of his neck, pulling him closer. I want to convey every I’m sorry that I have within me in this kiss. I want him to understand that I will do whatever I can to make it up to him and that I am going to try my hardest to never treat him like I don’t care ever again. His heart is safe with me, and I’m going to make sure it will never get broken again.

When Kurt’s tongue sneaks past my lips and connects with mine, it’s like fireworks all over again. The way he licks into my mouth and consumes all the air in my lungs, it’s making me dizzy on so many different levels.

“Let’s go.” Kurt says when he pulls away. But I can’t move, the kiss left me a little stupid. All I can look at is Kurt’s kiss swollen lips. All I can think about is wanting to kiss them again. “Blaine, did you want to or not?”

“Uhm… yes?” I say, still a little dumbstruck. Kurt chuckles, and I smile back, not even caring to be embarrassed by my own reaction to that kiss.

I take him by the hand and tug him up with me. As quietly as we can we walk down the stairs, through the living room, where Sam is still sleeping, and out into the backyard. It’s a warm summer morning, there’s only a slight chilly breeze in the air. The sun is just about to rise in the east, and the light of dawn gives the sky a beautiful rose-pink color.

I sit down on a sunbed by the pool and tug Kurt down between my legs. He leans back and rests his back against my chest, his head against my shoulder. My fingers trail down his arms and connect with his. He moves our intertwined fingers to rest on his stomach.

“What do you think our life in New York will be like?” I ask, looking up at the sky.

“Happy.” Kurt says, and he sounds very elated when he says it. 

Happy. That’s all I want for us. To be happy. I don’t even want to think about all the hurdles that will still be there for us, for me, even after we move. I only want to think about being happy with Kurt. I squeeze his fingers lightly and place a soft kiss on the top of his head.

“And hectic.” Kurt adds.

“Hectic?” I say and crinkle my nose.

“Just thinking about all the classes and studying and not having enough time with you kind of stresses me out a little bit. But I still think it will be the happiest time of my life because I will be in the city of my dreams with you.” He brings one of our twined hands up to his lips and places a kiss on the back of my hand.

“Don’t you think we’ll be able to spend time together?” I ask feeling a slight chill creep in on me.

“Of course, we will, but it won’t be like this. You’ll be sharing a dorm with someone else and so will I. I don’t know how open minded they will be. I don’t know if we’ll be able to spend any nights together…”

Suddenly there’s a big lump in my belly. I haven’t thought that far ahead, but Kurt has. Of course he has.

“But let’s not think about that for now.” Kurt can probably feel me tensing up under him. “There’s still several weeks left before we move. Let’s not waste this summer worrying about what will happen then. We’ll make it work, Blaine. I know we will.”

Kurt shifts in my arms so that his chest is flush against mine. Then he kisses me. And then again. And again.

“Have I told you how much I love kissing you?” Kurt says and bites down on his lower lip.

I know what he is doing. He’s trying to distract me from thinking. I let him get away with it, mainly because I don’t want to feel sad or worried. I’ve spent enough hours this night with those emotions.

“No, I don’t think you have. Please enlighten me.” I say with a soft laugh.

“I looove it.” Kurt says and smiles before he kisses me again.

With him laying on top of me like that, I can’t really blame my body for reacting the way it does. I can’t really blame Kurt for the smile spreading across his face either. But as much as I’d like to find out where this is going, this is neither the place nor the time. I need to cool myself down.

“We should have a pool party of our own.” 

Kurt looks at me as if I’ve gone crazy. “What? No, we shouldn’t.”

“Yes we should, and we are.” I state with a firm smile.

“No, we’re not Blaine. I don’t have any swim trunks.” Kurt says, as if that is the only reason he won’t get into the pool. As if that’s going to stop me.

I lean into his ear and whisper, “You can borrow mine.”

Kurt pulls back and looks at me uncomprehendingly. “And what will you wear?”

I waggle my eyebrows at him.

“No… no you’re not!”

“Yes I am.”

“ _Blaine Anderson!_ You’re not going into that pool naked.”

“Try and stop me.” I push him off of me and get up from the sunbed. I take off my shirt and my trunks, putting on a little show for him before I dive into the water. 

“Have you lost your mind? What if someone finds us here?”

“No one is going to find us. I know our friends, they’re going to sleep until noon.” Them waking up is not something I worry about. They’ve been drinking, and they’ve just fallen asleep, there’s no way anyone’s going to wake up. “Come on now, the water is really nice and warm.”

“Do you know how much beer has been spilled into that pool tonight? It’s a sanitary risk Blaine.”

“Wuss.” 

“You didn’t…!”

“I think I did.”

Kurt gets up from the sunbed, takes off his clothes and then dives in naked, too. He swims over to where I’m standing by the edge of the pool. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” He says, pretending to be horrified and trying not to show that he’s actually having fun.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this either.” I chuckle. This is the least _Kurt_ I’ve ever seen Kurt be. “You’re very brave.” I tell him and pull him in close to kiss him.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where I finally figured out what I was going to call this story, before that it had been nameless and I was constantly thinking about what to call it.

**Quinn, Thursday July 7th 2012, 5.31 am**

It’s unbearably hot. It must be one of the warmest nights this summer. Having Puck’s sleeping, naked body pressed against mine doesn't help. I normally like it when he cuddles up to me, but not tonight, it’s too hot, and I can’t sleep. 

I’m thirsty. Extremely thirsty. I need something to drink, and I curse myself for not bringing a glass of water up to my room when we went to sleep what must have been just an hour or two ago. But Puck had whispered obscenities in my ear, and I forgot about everything else but getting him up to my bed. 

I try to go back to sleep, but it’s no use. I need to get up, go down to the kitchen and get myself a nice glass of ice cold water. I untangle myself from his tight grip and roll out of bed. I pull the covers up over his lower body, just in case someone walks in here, and then I pull on a pair of shorts and an oversize t-shirt. I quietly open the door, sneak outside and close it behind me again. 

The house is silent, and I assume everyone is sleeping somewhere around the house. I wonder where Kurt disappeared to after those idiots went after him. I haven’t seen him since he walked away with that Ali girl and left us in a room so full of tension that you could have cut right through it with a knife. Something had definitely happened between him and Blaine, even though Kurt wouldn’t admit it, and Blaine just yelled at us to fuck off. 

I’ve been suspecting for some time that something is going on between them, ever since that night almost two weeks ago when Blaine got drunk and wanted to kiss Kurt. I never believed that crap about Blaine wanting to know what it’s like to kiss a guy. I think he wants to kiss Kurt because he likes Kurt, but he’s too afraid to admit it.

Then there was this time after Kurt went on that date with Oliver. Sam was asking him about how it went, and Blaine had these dick comments about it. He wasn’t as supportive of Kurt dating this guy as I would have expected him to be. After all, Kurt is his best friend, he should be happy for him, but instead he acted like he was jealous. Which just adds to my theory that Blaine has a crush on Kurt.

Maybe Blaine told Kurt about his feelings, but Kurt doesn’t feel the same way, and that’s why there was so much tension between the two of them tonight. Maybe that’s why Blaine wasn’t first in line to defend him. 

Or maybe it was something completely different. The inside of my head hurts too much for me to be trying to figure this stuff out. Those last three beers were definitely not necessary…

I walk into the kitchen and over to the sink. I turn on the faucet and let the water run to get it really cold. I open the cabinet to the left of the sink and reach for a tall glass. I fill it with water and take several large gulps before I fill it up again. 

I look around and groan. There’s like trash everywhere, and it’s going to be hell cleaning this mess up. I’m going to make sure everyone helps me out with this because this pool party was not my idea. 

The entire house feels hot. I wish I’d opened some windows before I went to sleep, so some of the cooler morning air could have slipped into the house. There is a window a little bit up on the wall above the sink. I stand up on my toes to reach the handle, open it ajar, and let the cool morning breeze sweep in through the window and over my skin. It feels so good to finally be rid of that sticky heat surrounding me.

That's when I hear noises from outside. I can’t see through the window because it’s too high up on the wall, so I listen intently to figure out what it is. It sounds like water splashing and maybe laughter. I listen again. Yes, there’s definitely laughter. Someone’s in the pool. When the water splashing stops, I can distinguish two voices that are now talking. 

“Are you sure you can trust her?” The first one asks. “You’ve known her for what? Five minutes.”

“Yes.” The second voice answers. “But I’ll talk to her again to make sure she doesn’t talk.” 

It’s Blaine and Kurt, and I’m suddenly very intrigued. They seem to have reconciled again. I climb up on the counter and sit just below the window, so that I can continue to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“No! The less you talk about it with others, the better.” Blaine says.

“She’s cool, Blaine.” Kurt says. “You don’t have to worry about her. Please don’t trouble your head with this anymore.”

“You like her. Should I be jealous?” Blaine asks, but he doesn’t really sound jealous.

“You’re the one who swings both ways, remember. Not me.” Kurt says playfully.

“I only swing your way, Kurt, and you know that.” Blaine says, and there’s a warmth in his voice that tells me how much he likes Kurt.

_I knew it!_

“Guess that’s why I love you so much.”

“And I love you because you’re the most amazing, beautiful, sexy, kind hearted person I know. I’ll never figure out how I got so lucky to have you as my boyfriend.” Blaine responds.

Aww, they’re in love! This is so much more than just a crush from Blaine’s side. They are boyfriends, and they are in love. Does it get any more beautiful than that? My heart swells with happiness for them. I wonder how long this has been going on.

“Sometimes I don’t understand why you love me though. I’m such a mess...” Blaine sighs.

“Maybe you are, but you’re a beautiful mess in that case. My beautiful mess.” Kurt answers. “And I feel like I’ve told you a million times that I don’t care if you’re not ready to tell the world about us. I like it that it’s just us that knows.”

“Yeah, but for how long? How long until you grow tired of sneaking around?”

“I’ll never get tired of you, baby. I think everything will be different once we move to New York, and if it’s not, that’s fine too. As long as I have you, I’m the happiest person on this earth. You have got to stop doubting me.”

I suddenly feel guilty. I feel like I’m listening in on a very private conversation, and I’m hearing things that are definitely not meant for my ears. But I’ve heard them now, and I can’t ignore what I’ve heard. Should I let them know I know? Or should I go back upstairs, back to Puck’s arms, and pretend I just didn’t hear any of this?

I’m so happy for them, and I want to show them that I support them, that they don’t need to hide. I decide to make my presence noticed. I jump down from the counter and make the short walk from the kitchen to the living room. Sam is sleeping on the couch, so I quietly open the door to the backyard, careful not to wake him up. I close it behind me and look towards the pool. Kurt and Blaine are kissing, and it’s probably the most beautiful kiss I have ever seen. They look so right together, like they just fit.

“You take my breath away.” Blaine says when he breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against Kurt’s. “You always have. Sometimes it hurts how much I love you.”

“Baby…” Kurt says, and it’s like he can’t find any words to say, so instead he joins their lips in another kiss.

I can’t just stand here and watch them, I need to make my presence noticed. I debate with myself how to do that but decide that the best way is just to say something.

“Hey guys.”

Blaine shoots off of Kurt instantly, he looks at me, and then he dives under the water. Kurt, who’s standing with his back against me, turns around and looks at me.

“Hi Quinn.” He blushes slightly.

“What’s up? I thought you didn’t like swimming.” I decide to mess a little with them before I tell them how cute they are together.

“Well, I don’t… but Blaine sort of challenged me.”

“Is he going to stay under the water for long?” I say with a smile.

“I don’t know… I think he’s testing how long he can stay under.” Just when Kurt finishes the sentence, Blaine reappears.

“Well, apparently not that long.“ I say with a smirk. “What’s up, Blaine?”

“Nothing.” Blaine says in a low voice, and I almost feel bad for walking out here and disturbing them. 

“What are you doing up this early? We thought everyone was asleep.” Kurt says, trying to play it cool.

“I was thirsty, so I went down to get a glass of water.”

Blaine glances over to the part of the house where the kitchen is, and I see how he notices the open window.

“How long have you been standing there?” Blaine asks.

“Long enough.” I answer.

“Long enough for what?” Blaine asks hesitantly.

“Long enough to see that you just shared the most beautiful kiss.”

All color leaves Blaine’s face, and at first he appears paralyzed, but then he starts backing away from Kurt. But Kurt grabs his arm. “Don’t, baby, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. It’s not okay.” Blaine says. It looks like he feels sick and is about to faint.

“Yes, it is.” Kurt’s full attention is on Blaine. “I’m here, and we’re okay. I love you, remember.”

“Kurt, don’t…” Blaine says and tries to pull away, but Kurt holds firmly onto his arm. Blaine then turns to me.

“Quinn, I don’t… we’re not…”

“Look, before you continue, let me just say this. I heard you guys talking through the kitchen window. I just came out here to say that I think you are really cute together, and I’m really happy that you are boyfriends.”

There’s a smile on Kurt’s face, but Blaine still looks terrified. He doesn’t pull away though, and Kurt’s hand slides down Blaine’s arm until it meets his hand, and their fingers intertwine.

“We’re not…” Blaine says again, but cuts himself off as if he realizes there’s no point in denying it.

“We would appreciate if you didn’t tell anyone about us.” Kurt says.

“Why not?” I ask. “You two make so much sense together.”

“This,” Kurt says and points between the two of them, “is new, and we’re still figuring things out. We would like to do that in private and not in front of everyone. When we are ready, we’ll tell people about us.”

From the conversation I heard before, I sense that it’s more Blaine that is not ready to tell people about them, but it’s cute that Kurt is protecting him. I just hope they tell us before the summer is over, and we all spread out across the country.

“I won’t tell anyone. You haven’t told anyone about me and Puck, right? So I would say that neither of us would like our secrets to get out, and therefore, we can be pretty sure the other one will keep silent.”

“What about you and Puck?” Blaine asks confused.

“You haven’t even told him?” I ask with arched eyebrows and look at Kurt.

“Not my secret to tell.” Kurt shrugs.

“What?!” Blaine asks again, confused and intrigued.

“Let’s just say that Puck and I are pretty much in the same situation as you and Kurt.” I say with a smirk and amusedly watch Blaine as he puts the pieces together.

“You’re dating Puck?” Blaine says in disbelief.

“I don’t know if we’re dating, but we like to spend time together. We like to kiss and have sex.”

“Wow… figure that…” Blaine says thoughtfully, and then he turns to Kurt. “Why didn’t you tell me about this? I thought we shared things with each other.”

“We’ve been sort of busy sharing other stuff with each other.”

“Okay, I think that’s my cue to leave.” I tell them because I do not want to be around if they’re about to start sharing details about their sex life.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Kurt says and rolls his eyes. “But… maybe you could leave anyway so that we can get out of the pool. It’s starting to get chilly.”

“Feel free to get up anytime, don’t let me stop you.”

“Ehm… we’re sort of naked here… so if you could…”

“Seriously?! You’re naked in my pool??” I say, not really mad because I think there have been several people naked in my pool tonight. I do, however, take a few steps closer to mess with them. But also because that is actually a sight I’d like to see.

“Quinn, please!” Kurt says embarrassed, his cheeks turning pink, and his hands covering his groin. Blaine takes a step back and hides behind Kurt, and I just think they’re adorably cute all embarrassed about being naked together in my pool.

“Don’t be such prudes.” I say to them and laugh. “I have seen naked men before. But fine, I guess I’ll go up and watch the naked man in my bed instead. Bye boys.”

I turn and walk away, contemplating whether I should peek over my shoulder or not, but nah. Somethings are better left unseen.

“Quinn!” I hear Blaine call after me, so now I’m forced to turn around anyway. They’re still in the pool though. “Thank you.”

I know he’s not thanking me for leaving them alone, so that they can get their naked butts out of my pool.

“Anytime. And just so you know, I support this thing going on between the two of you, and I believe the others will, too.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me this time to update this chapter - life kind of got in the way. It's another long chapter, so I hope that makes up for it.  
> There should probably be a warning or two written here, but I don't want to spoil anything so I'll just leave it at this.

**Kurt, Friday July 8th 2012, 8.44 pm**

It’s another Friday night at _the Vibe_. Blaine and Sam are off somewhere rehearsing, and I’m sitting by a table near the front of the stage with Quinn and Puck. They’re doing their stuff, but I don’t really mind. They’re happy and in love, and I know what that feels like. Quinn must have told Puck I know about them because they’re not even trying to hide their kisses from me.

The crowd seems to grow bigger every time I’m here, and I’m happy for Blaine that he gets this opportunity to perform in front of so many people, seeing as this is what he loves to do and what he wants to do for the rest of his life.

Blaine has been really sweet to me these past couple of days. He’s clearly been feeling a lot of regret about what happened at the pool party. I’ve told him to not worry about it. I don’t want it to become this thing that’s always going to make me unsure of how he will react in certain situations or make him feel the need to prove himself to me. If this relationship is going to work, I have to believe him when he says it won’t happen again. I want to believe him, and I do believe him, but some small part of me is scared it’s not going to be that easy. 

I’m trying not to think too much about it, even though it’s constantly there in the back of my mind. But if I keep thinking about it, I’m going to get stuck, and we will never move on. And I so want to move on from this. I want to be happy with him. I am happy with him. I love him more than I can put into words. We all make mistakes. I’m bound to make a few ones myself, and I can’t hold this against him forever.

I’ve been trying to reassure him that we’re okay, that this is just a small bump in the road, but it’s like he feels that he isn’t enough for me. At least that’s what he has told me. He thinks I deserve more, someone better. Someone open. The thing is, the thing he should know by now, I don’t want to be with anybody but him. But he’s so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t listen to me.

He has this need to get to that place where he has everything figured out so fast that he’s stressing himself out about it. I know he just wants to make sense of all his feelings and thoughts, but those things aren’t done in a heartbeat. Those things take time and shouldn’t be rushed.

I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t wish he already was comfortable enough to hold my hand in public or show our friends and family that we love each other, but I don’t have the same urgency to get there. I’m confident our time will come. Until then, I just want him to relax and enjoy what we have. 

I look over at Quinn and Puck. They are in deep conversation about something and share a few kisses in between words. I let them be and take my phone instead. I scroll through my latest text conversation with Quinn from yesterday morning. After Blaine and I left, our friends had slowly woken up and gathered to eat breakfast. In our absence, they had of course gossiped about what had happened the night before, and Quinn had thought their theories were hilarious and texted them to me. They were quite funny. Until they got a little too close to the truth.

_Quinn  
Good morning, hope you and lover boy made it safe, and clothed, back home. I’m trying hard right now not to laugh at S, P, T & M’s conspiracy theories about you and B._

_Kurt  
OMG, what are they saying?? _

_Quinn  
Sam is convinced that Blaine has a secret girlfriend that you don’t like. Tina wonders why he would keep a girlfriend secret and doesn’t believe him._

_Kurt  
They don’t suspect that anything is going on between me and Blaine then?_

_Quinn  
No, no, you’re safe. Tina thinks you had a fight about something but she can’t figure out what since you guys are always super tight._

_Kurt  
If only she knew how close..._

_Quinn  
My thoughts exactly. Sam points out that someone must have put that huge hickey on B. I’m assuming that’s you??_

_Kurt  
Guilty :)_

_Quinn  
Kurt!! Way to keep things secret! Anyway, Mike tells Tina that Sam has a point, someone must have put it there._

_Quinn  
Now they’re trying to figure out who she is and when and where B met her. And why you know about her but we don’t. _

_Quinn  
They’re also trying to figure out why you don’t like her. Is it because she doesn’t like you? Is she a bitch? Is she ugly? (although I must say that’s very shallow of Puck). Is she married? I think the last one is what they mostly believe in for some reason. I just think they want it to be something juicy._

_Quinn  
They would be so surprised if they knew just how juicy the truth is ;) but I’m telling you Kurt, that thought hasn’t even crossed their minds._

_Kurt  
What is your input to all of this?_

_Quinn  
I’m playing too hangover to care._

_Quinn  
Oh wait. Shit! Tina thinks you might have a crush on Blaine_

_Kurt  
What? Please tell me that you’re kidding Quinn!!_

_Quinn  
I wish I was Kurt. She thinks that you have secret crush on him and that’s why you don’t like this girl he’s seeing. She thinks you probably said something mean about her to Blaine and that he got upset and that’s why he didn’t defend you._

_Kurt  
At least it’s better she believes that then the truth. But still it’s a little uncomfortable. What do the others say?_

_Quinn  
The others are believing it too. I’m gonna try and convince them that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you have to fall for your best friend. I think I’m gonna go with you not liking him seeing a married woman if that’s ok?_

_Kurt  
I owe you Quinn. Thx! Love u_

”Hello handsome. Is it okay if I sit here?”

I’m startled by the voice beside me, a voice that’s all too familiar. I put the phone to my chest so that he won’t be able to read my texts. I look up and am face to face with Oliver.

I want to say no. I so _do not_ want to talk to him. I just want him to take a hint and understand that when people don’t return you calls or texts, that usually means they’re not interested. But of course, he doesn’t. And of course, I don’t say no. I feel like I owe him to at least be courteous. It’s not like he has done anything wrong really, and I kind of feel bad for not calling him back when I said I would. 

“Sure.” I say and Oliver sits down on the chair next to mine. “What brings you here?” I ask trying to sound cheerful and not as though I wished he would leave.

“I came to see Sam perform.” Oliver answers and then adds. “And I also hoped I’d run into you. You’re a difficult man to get hold of, and if you hadn’t told me that you weren’t ignoring me, I would surely think you were.”

I really shouldn’t have told him that. This is why I hate lying, it always comes back to bite you. I wished he would understand that I’m not interested, without having to say it to his face. I’m not cut out for rejecting people. “I know, this week has been kind of crazy for me.”

“A lot going on?” Oliver asks in an intrigued manner.

“Yes, you could say that.” I say thinking back at everything that has happened this week.

“Something in particular?”

“Just personal stuff.” I say hoping he will leave it at that.

I’m, however, saved from continuing my conversation with Oliver by Blaine and Sam entering the stage. I shift my focus to them and feel relieved that I don’t have to talk more to Oliver right now. In the corner of my eye I see how Quinn and Puck move their chairs a few inches from each other, so that they’re not sitting as close as they were before. They really should be more careful if they don’t want their secret to be revealed.

I look at Blaine as he takes his place on the stage. His gaze wanders across the audience until it meets mine. There is a small, elusive frown on his face that disappears just as quickly as it emerged. Someone else might not have noticed if they weren’t paying close attention. But since I am, I do notice, and I know he’s wondering why there’s another guy sitting next to me. I don’t know if he recognizes Oliver from the Facebook picture I once showed him, but if he does, he doesn’t give anything away.

I sit back and try to relax and enjoy their performance, but some part of me isn’t able to entirely relax with Oliver there beside me. Oliver tries to start up the conversation again several times during their set, but I shush him and let him know that I want to listen to the music. I know I need to talk to him and get him to understand that I’m not interested. That I don’t want him to contact me again, but that will have to wait until after Blaine and Sam have left the stage.

Blaine and Sam sound really good together. They are very much in sync with each other, and it’s like they’ve been doing this, and nothing else, for years. The crowd is agreeing with me as every single person here has their full attention on the stage and awards them with applause and cheers.

“Okay,” Blaine starts after they’ve finished a song. “I haven’t checked this with Sam yet, but I wanted to sing something that I’ve written myself.” He looks over at Sam to get his approval.

“Go ahead, bro. I’ll just sit this one out. I need a break anyway.” Sam smiles at Blaine, and the audience laughs.

_Oh my God!_ Blaine is singing one of his own songs. I’m so excited. I wonder which one it will be, he has a lot of good songs to choose from.

“Thanks, Sam. So this is something I recently wrote, and it’s actually not complete yet, but it’s really special to me, and I want to sing it to you guys tonight. It’s called _Close Like This_.” His eyes quickly meet mine, and I smile excitedly at him. “Okay, here it goes.”

He starts playing a slow, soft melody on his guitar, and I already love how the notes fit together to make a beautiful harmony. Then his voice fills the air, and my heart just melts. I listen to every word, take them in and cherish them as I come to realize that they’re all for me. 

_Skinny dipping in the pale dawn light_  
Can you feel my heart, beating fast  
You make me fall in love tonight  
Here with you, I want this feeling to last 

_Fireworks are lighting up the dark sky_  
I hold you close, letting you take my breath away  
There’s no question, looking into your eye  
This is where I belong, this is where I’ll stay 

_When we’re close like this, I get hypnotized_  
When I kiss your lips, I get mesmerized  
I want to figure out how  
You get my mind racing and my body trembling  
Making me travel to places I never knew I wanted to go  
I want to figure out why  
I never want to let you go, never let you down 

_Under the dark weeping willow tree_  
I tell you my secrets, I’m hopeless I know  
Loving you is so scary for me  
But this is it, I will never let go 

_When we are alone, just the two of us_  
I wrap my arms around you and hold you tight  
The whole world fades away, it’s just us  
I’ll never be the same, nothing’s felt more right 

_When we’re close like this, I get hypnotized_  
When I kiss your lips, I get mesmerized  
I want to figure out how  
You get my mind racing and my body trembling  
Making me travel to places I never knew I wanted to go  
I want to figure out why  
I never want to let you go, never let you down 

The audience is silent during the entire performance, captivated by the song, but when he finishes with a shy smile telling them, “Well that’s all I got for now, I hope you liked it,” the applauds do not wait. I join in too, trying hard not to shed the tears I feel are right there. I look over at Quinn, and she’s gaping at me. She mouths Wow!, and all I can do is nod with a stupid grin spreading across my face.

I’m hardly aware of anything but my own emotions for the rest of their performance. I’m so proud of him, for writing this amazing song and for having the guts to sing it tonight. The fact that he performed it tonight, in front of everyone here, gives me hope about us and about him not repeating his mistakes. He could have just as easily chosen to sing a different song of his own, or none at all, but he didn’t. It might just be a song, but the fact that he chose to sing this song, and the meaning behind that choice, tells me everything I need to know to continue to have faith in us.

For a moment I’m worried about the risk he has taken, singing that song in front of Sam and Puck. I worry about it being too obvious. I wonder why he would take that risk. But then I remember that I showed him Quinn’s texts, and he knows they think he’s secretly dating a girl, and it really isn’t a risk at all. I’m curious when he’s had the time to write it. It must have been somewhere between now and Thursday morning, probably when I was helping my dad because I have spent every single one of my free minutes with him.

“They’re good.” Oliver says when they leave the stage, and I jump a little because I had completely forgotten that he was sitting next to me. I no longer care how I let him know that I’m not interested, I just want him gone before Blaine gets here. I don’t know how Blaine will react, and I’m not sure if I want to find out. “I wish I could write a song like that, then maybe I could get your attention.”

“Look, Oliver,” I start, “I had a really nice time on our date, but I don’t see this moving further. I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear enough about that before.”

“I think you’re making a rash decision. I felt something on our date, and I think it would be a shame to let that go without examining it further. All I’m asking is for you to go on a second date with me. Who knows...maybe you’ll feel that spark too.”

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, “but I don’t see that happening between us. You shouldn’t have to try that hard. If it’s right, it’s easy and effortless, and you just know it’s what you want.”

“I think I can make you change your mind, if you’d just give me another chance. I would really like to take you out on a second date Kurt.”

I sigh. He so persistent, and I don’t know how to make it any clearer to him. “I’m flattered that you think so much of me Oliver, but the answer is still no.”

“Is he bothering you Kurt?”

I’m made aware of Blaine’s presence by the words coming from behind me. A strong hand is resting on my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I’m pretty sure I could handle Oliver on my own, but that’s so besides the point. The sentiment of his touch speaks volumes to me. He’s not freaking out or caring about what other people might think about the situation. And really, if someone was paying attention, all they would see is a friend helping another friend getting out of a tricky situation. Still, I find myself unable to speak as the exchange between the two of them continues.

“Excuse me, Kurt and I were having a private conversation, so if you could just leave us alone to finish it, that would be appreciated.” Oliver looks more than a little annoyed by Blaine’s sudden presence.

“I believe your conversation with Kurt is over. He doesn’t want to see you again Oliver, so if _you_ could just leave _us_ alone, that would be great.” Blaine answers in a way that lets Oliver know his presence is not desired.

“Kurt can speak for himself, can’t he? How do you know what he does or doesn’t want?”

“Because Kurt is my friend, he tells me everything, and unlike you, I actually listen to what he has to say. Now leave before I make you.”

“Whoa! I didn’t do anything to you, so back off! I’m going to finish my conversation with Kurt, and I’m not leaving until we are finished or he asks me to.” Oliver isn’t backing down.

I know I need to do something before the situation gets out of control, and so I finally find my words. “I would appreciate it if you left Oliver. I’ve tried telling you several times that I’m not interested in seeing you again. I don’t know how to be any clearer than this.” 

“Fine.” Oliver says. He glares at Blaine, whom I’m pretty sure is giving him a smug smile in return, before he stands up. “You’re obviously not who I thought you were anyway.”

“A guy with bad taste in men?” Blaine says sarcastically.

“Blaine, that’s enough.” I tell him warningly. Oliver is leaving, there's no need for Blaine to push him any further. He’s just going after what he wants, and if it weren’t for me being with Blaine, I would probably be flattered. Now I just want him to leave.

With a final glare at Blaine, Oliver turns around and leaves. He almost walks straight into Sam, who’s coming to join us at our table. Sam tries to greet him, but Oliver just keeps on walking. Sam watches him as he leaves, with confusion all over his face, before he takes the final steps over to where we are sitting.

“What’s with him?” Sam asks and looks at all of us.

“He just had a hard time understanding the word no.” Blaine answers, still with a little bit of anger in his voice.

Sam looks even more confused than normal. “No to what?”

“Blaine here just let him know that Kurt isn’t interested.” Puck says. “In a very convincing way, I might add. I assume you two aren’t fighting anymore.”

“We were never fighting.” Blaine says, giving my shoulder another squeeze before he sits down on the now empty chair next to mine. 

“Sure you weren’t.” Puck says.

“We had a misunderstanding, that’s all.” Blaine says.

“About what?” Puck seems way too interested in this. I can understand his curiosity, but it’s not a topic that I want to stay on for too long.

“It’s history, Puck,” I say, “We worked it out, there’s no need to dwell on it.”

Puck raises an eyebrow in return, like he knows there’s so much more to be said, but doesn’t say anything further about it. Maybe he knows this isn’t the place, but I’m sure he will revisit the subject.

Sam finds an empty chair and sits down, too. “So Oliver didn’t like that, or?” He says as he bends down to tie the shoelaces on one of his sneakers, which must have come undone on his way here. 

“Why are you two holding hands?” Sam asks.

I panic at Sam’s words. My heartbeat picks up speed in no time. _Shit… how..._

But then I realize that I’m not holding hands with Blaine, so the question must be aimed at Quinn and Puck. Seems Blaine isn’t the only one who’s jumpy when it comes to this. I look over at Quinn and Puck, panicking for their sake instead, but they both look calm and smile towards each other.

Puck brings their joined hands out from under the table and places them on top of the table instead. “Because we are dating.”

“Wow! Cool.” Sam says then turn towards at Blaine. “Now, we have to talk about that song.”

Sam has the attention span of a goldfish. He doesn’t stay on one topic very long, which in some cases is very fortunate, but most of the time, it’s truly annoying. I’m not sure if I should act surprised about the Puck/Quinn dating situation, but Sam is already moving on, so I let it be. In the back of my mind, I’m also wondering if Quinn will keep quiet about us now that her secret is out. Blaine must be freaking out thinking the same thing, but I don’t dare to turn around and look at him.

“Yes, let’s talk about the song.” Puck chimes in.

“It was just a song.” Blaine says calmly.

“Come on, you have tell us who your inspiration was. That song was obviously about someone you really like.” Puck continues.

“I’m a songwriter, I make stuff up.” Blaine says and shrugs. “It doesn’t have to be about anyone.”

I can’t believe how casual he manages to sound, like he isn’t panicking inside. I wish I could take his hand or touch him in some way to reassure him and calm him.

“Either way,” Quinn says, “it was a beautiful song. I’m really impressed Blaine, I think it’s one of your better ones.”

“Thank you, Quinn.” Blaine says proudly, and I know I’m at least grateful that she’s steering the conversation away from Puck’s inquiring questions. Maybe I don’t have to worry about her giving away our secret.

Puck is about to say something else when a petite brunette in a short skirt walks over to our table. She taps Blaine lightly on his shoulder. “Excuse me,” she smiles, “my friends and I are sitting at a table over there.” She points in the direction of where three women with unnecessary deep cleavages are sitting. Two of them give Blaine a small wave, whereas the third one looks down at her drink. “We were wondering if you wanted to join us.”

The women must be close to thirty, but apparently the age difference is not of any concern to them. I look at Blaine, wondering what he’s going to answer.

“Thanks for the invite, but our friends came to see us tonight, so I’m going to stay here with them.”

“Are you sure?” The girl says and bats her eyelashes at him. “I think you’ll find it rewarding if you join us. If you know what I mean.”

I certainly know what she means. I don’t like her insinuations at all. In fact, the faster she goes back to her friends, the better.

“I’m sure.” Blaine answers, and there’s no trace of doubt or hesitation in his voice.

“Maybe another time?” The girl says. “We will be here next Friday, too. You and your friend sound amazing.”

“Thank you.” Blaine answers politely. “You should ask him if he wants to join you instead.”

“We sort of have a thing for you… Anyway, see you next week.”

She doesn’t sound too disheartened as she walks back to her table.

“You should join them.“ Puck says with a crooked smile. “You don’t have to stay here on our accounts.”

“I’m not interested in talking to them, they’re like super old.”

Puck gives Blaine a knowing look but refrains from saying anything further about it. I think all of this is only fueling to their ideas about Blaine seeing someone. Someone older and married. I can’t help but feel a little relieved that Blaine didn’t feel the need to join them just to prove to everyone how straight he is.

The subject is dropped, and the conversation moves on to other topics. Soon Sam is approached by a blonde and ignores us, and Quinn lures Puck into a conversation about him learning to write songs, so that he can write something equally beautiful to her (I have to say I love her for turning this around on Puck). 

I finally have a moment to talk to Blaine alone. Loud music is blasting through the speaker systems, so I lean in close so that only he hears what I have to say. “Thank you for that whole Oliver thing.”

“I did the right thing, right?” Blaine asks. I smile at him. I know he’s struggling with trying to do the right thing and still worrying about being exposed.

“Yes, you did.”

“It freaked me out a little bit when I saw you talking to him. I know it’s stupid, but I really don’t like him, and I don’t want him anywhere near you.”

“You know he has nothing against you, right?” I say and bump my knee against his. This is as much affection as I dare show him in public. What I want to do is hug him and kiss him.

“Was it too much?” There’s obvious worry in his voice.

“It was perfect.” I assure him. Blaine looks down at his hands and smiles, like he’s proud of himself but doesn’t want to make a big deal about it. He bites his lip to prevent the smile from growing too big. Damn, he’s cute when he does that. It makes me want to bite down on that lip myself.

“That was a beautiful song,” I tell him.

“Yeah? You liked it?” Blaine’s voice is timid and a little shy as he looks up to meet my gaze.

“Assuming it’s about me…”

“Of course, it’s about you.” Blaine whispers and bumps his knee playfully into mine.

“Then I love it.” I tell him and bump my knee back to his. “I mesmerize you?”

“More than you know, Kurt. I’m not always good with words, putting them into a song makes it easier.”

And there are those butterflies again. I wished we were alone right now, so that I could show him how proud I am of him and everything he has done for me tonight, even though he’s probably still scared about a lot of things when it comes to us.

I lean in close and whisper into his ear, “I want to take you home and show you how much I love this song.”

I lean back and watch how his facial expression turns from shy to one filled with lust. His eyes are shining with a newfound desire. I think he groans, but the music is too loud to make it out clearly. 

Blaine stands up. “Okay, I’m ready to go home.” He says loud enough for everyone to hear. “Let’s get out of here.”

“No.” Sam protests, and I see that the blonde is now sitting in his lap. “You bailed on me last Friday, and you promised me that we would stay longer tonight. You promised.”

Blaine sits down again, defeated. Since it’s only the five of us tonight, we’re all riding in my car. Blaine and I can’t just leave without the others.

“Fuck.” Blaine whispers. “I really want to be alone with you right now.”

I lean in again. “I want to try something new.”

Now there’s definitely a frustrated groan as his eyes turn a darker shade of hazel. “Stop it, Kurt.” He tells me warningly. “Or I might… Can we go somewhere?”

“No, we cannot.” I say, although I want nothing more than to disappear with him somewhere where our friends can’t find us. It’s not really an option for us though. Besides, teasing him is fun. “You wanted to hang out with your friends, remember?” I say and run my tongue across my lips.

“You’re cruel.” Blaine says as he shoots me a death glare, but I can still detect the smile he’s trying hard to hide. “And I’m going to ignore you now for the sake of my less evil friends.”

He turns to Puck and Quinn and starts talking about the upcoming camping trip tomorrow. I join in as well, but no matter how great they all say it’s going to be, I still can’t find it in me to be excited about this trip. I mean, whoever came up with the idea of sleeping on the ground in a tent and thought that was a good idea? 

Throughout the conversation, I continue to tease him, deliberately running my tongue slowly across my lips several times and biting down on it. I want him longing and just the right amount of frustrated.

Even though I’m not looking at Blaine, I can tell it has the desired effect. When he pretends he can’t hear what Quinn says, so that he has to lean forward, over me, I feel his hand squeezing my thigh under the table where no one can see it. I don’t know if it is to inflict pain to get me to stop or if it’s to tease me back, but his hand is deliberately close to my groin and things are definitely coming alive down there. I feel my cheeks heating up, which should be impossible since all of my blood is heading somewhere else. 

I gently remove his hand and place it back on his lap. I do so not want to spend the rest of the night sitting here with a hard-on. Besides, that kind of touching is probably pushing our luck. Even if they aren’t suspecting anything at the moment, it feels like an unnecessary risk to take.

When he leans back, there’s a smug expression all over his face. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me, and I can practically hear him thinking payback is a bitch.

After another thirty minutes of more camping talk and planning what to bring, Quinn and I are both freezing. Sam’s blonde has left his lap, and we decide it’s time to go home.

We make it back to my car and Puck jumps into the passenger seat next to me since neither Blaine nor Sam wants to ride in the back together with Quinn and Puck. I’m both relieved and disappointed that Blaine isn’t sitting next to me, but it’s probably for the best. 

The drive back to Lima is mostly quiet, just the music from the radio is filling the car with sounds. Quinn falls asleep on Blaine’s shoulder, and Sam falls asleep leaning against the window. At the end of the drive, I have to force Puck to make conversation with me, so that I don’t fall asleep as well. We drop off Sam first, and when we leave Quinn and Puck at Quinn’s place, Blaine joins me in the front.

As soon as he has closed the passenger door, his hand is back on my thigh. 

“Stop the car.” He says just seconds after I’ve started driving down the street.

“No, I want to get home and-”

“Stop the car, Kurt.”

I stop the car.

The second the car isn’t moving anymore, Blaine’s lips are on mine. There’s so much hunger and desire in the kiss that it leaves me out of breath. My hand goes instinctively to his hair, tugging and massaging at the same time.

“I’ve been dying to kiss you since you picked me and Sam up earlier.” Blaine says when he breaks the kiss. “I hate that you have to work and aren’t there when I wake up. I want to wake up to you placing soft kisses all over my face.”

God, he’s so adorably cute when he says things like that. I hate leaving him sleeping in my bed, too, it’s the hardest part of my day. I just want to spend every minute being with him, which is so goddamn hard when there’s work and parents and friends that want your attention, too. I pull him in closer and catch his lips in another kiss.

“Tomorrow is Saturday, and I don’t have to be anywhere but in my bed kissing you. We’ll have all the time in the world, and I promise to make up for all missed morning kisses this week.” I tell him and kiss him again.

“Except we’re going camping, and we don’t have all the time in the world.” Blaine says as his fingers trail up and down my leg.

I let out a frustrated sigh. “I hate this fucking camping trip.”

“It’ll be fun, Kurt. You and me in a tent.” Blaine says and waggle his eyebrows.

“Not being able to do anything.” I groan. “It will be just like the weekdays, I won't be able to touch you or kiss you. Only it will be worse because you will be there, right beside me, all the time.”

“I know... and I’m sorry... “

_Fuck!_ Why do I keep doing that to him? I don’t mean to keep implying that I’m frustrated about us hiding our relationship. I’m just frustrated about this whole trip.

“No, don’t be.” I say and brush my fingers across his cheek. “I’m just a little upset that I have to share you with our friends this weekend. If I could decide, we would never leave my bedroom.”

“Start driving then.” Blaine says. “Let’s make the most of the time that we do have.”

“You’re the one who begged me to stop.” I say playfully. “If you hadn’t, we would already be home.”

“Just drive, Kurt.” 

I start the car again, speeding a little to get there faster. Once we are home, we use my entrance and stumble in to my room as we kiss the entire way from the car until we’re inside. We only stop once we walk into my bed and almost fall onto it.

“Can I undress you?” Blaine asks.

I nod feeling my body tingle with excitement. He begins with unbuttoning my shirt, slowly, one button at a time. He then slides the shirt off of my upper body, slowly running his palms along my arms. When the shirt falls to the floor, his hands move to my stomach, and his fingers trace up my chest. He leans in and kisses me sweet and slow.

“You’re so beautiful, Kurt.” Blaine whispers before he continues to place kisses on my neck and down my chest. His tongue swirls around my left nipple and then he nibbles at it. My fingers move into his hair, twirling a few curls around them. His mouth on my nipple feels so good, and I close my eyes to block out everything else except his mouth on my body. His mouth moves to my other nipple. I try to stay quiet, but a moan slips out, and I hear Blaine hum appreciatively. 

He kneels and kisses his way down my stomach, letting the tip of his tongue dip into my bellybutton. His fingers find the button on my jeans and open them. He unzips my pants and pulls them down my thighs. My cock is pressing against the fabric of my underwear, and when he places a kiss on it, my entire body shivers with pleasure as if he hasn’t touched me in ages although it was just last night.

He bends down to remove my shoes and socks before pulling my pants all the way down and off. He cups my hard cock through my underwear and starts to run his hand up and down my length. Another moan crosses my lips, and when I open my eyes and look down at him, I am met with gorgeous dark hazel eyes staring back at me full with love and lust.

As his final act of undressing me, he pulls down my boxers, and I step out of them. I’m standing completely naked in front of him, while he is still fully dressed. There’s something very thrilling about this, and I can’t wait for him to stand up, so that I can rub my cock against the rough denim texture of his jeans. Blaine has other ideas though as he licks the underside of my cock. He lets his tongue run along my slit just before he takes the head into his mouth and sucks on it. He has become quite the master of this over the past week, and he knows exactly what I like. He moves his head up and down a few times before he pulls off with a small pop. He gets up on his feet, again cups my cheeks as he pushes his tongue into my mouth.

“You taste so good.” He says and breaks into a big smile that prevents him from kissing me further.

“What?” I ask and cannot help but smile, too. 

“Nothing, you just make me really happy.” He says and bites down on his lips. My heart makes a funny jump when he says those words.

I move my hands up and run them through his thick curls. “You make me really happy, too.” I kiss him again and thrust my hips against his jeans-covered groin. It feels just as good as I expected, and I keep grinding against him as we kiss. Our tongues swirl together in a beautiful dance as we get lost in kissing each other. I love kisses that are just for the sake of kissing. Even if this is so much more, it is also just that.

Blaine breaks the kiss momentarily and swiftly removes his t-shirt. He then presses his bare chest against mine, and I gasp into his mouth as he pulls me into another kiss. I scratch my fingernails gently down his back, loving the feeling of his skin under my fingertips. When I reach his ass I grab it with both my hands and pull him against my hard cock. I continue to squeeze his ass cheeks and rock my hips forward to meet his. It feels like I will never get enough of touching him, of having him this close to me.

Blaine’s hands follow my movements and trail down my back until they find my naked ass. He squeezes it and then lets one finger trace over my crack. He dips the finger in between my cheeks and finds my hole. I buck forward at the touch, and a small “Fuck” crosses my lips. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me, he knows how much I like it.

“On the bed now.” I growl in a low dark voice. I want things to move faster. I want more, and I want it now.

Blaine kicks of his shoes and lays down on his back. He starts unbuttoning his jeans.

“Let me.” I say as I crawl up on my bed and remove his hands.

Blaine willingly lets me place his hands on the bed beside him as I sit down on my knees between his legs. I lean forward, unbutton his jeans, and pull down the zipper. Blaine lifts his hips up, so that I can remove his pants. My eyes never leave his bulge as I pull his pants down his legs and off together with his socks. I don’t want to wait another second longer before I have him in my mouth, so I quickly move back up to position myself between his legs. I hook my fingers inside the waistband of his boxers and pull them down, so that I can see his beautiful, hard cock. I swipe my tongue across my lips, my mouth watering at the sight, and lean forward, sinking my mouth down around the plump, swollen head of his cock.

Blaine inhales sharply and lets out a long shaky breath as I begin to suck him. I swirl my tongue around his head as I move my mouth up and down his hard cock. The taste of Blaine on my tongue makes my cock harder than before, and I’m becoming desperate to feel some friction against it.

As if Blaine can read my mind, he pulls me up to kiss me, and at the same time he wriggles out of his underwear. I press my naked body down against his and feel my cock connect with his. I can’t help but thrust my hip down and trap our cocks between our pressed bodies. I grind against Blaine, and we both groan at the sensation this motion brings.

My lips find that spot on his neck, and even though I know I should let it fade, I can’t help myself. The moans coming from Blaine when I suck on that spot are so sinful that I can’t really be blamed for wanting to make him sound like that.

“Do you trust me?” I ask him and lean up on my elbows, so that I can look into his eyes.

“Of course, I do. Why?” Blaine answers and bucks up, not wanting me to stop.

“Remember I told you I wanted to try something new?”

“Yes.” Blaine nods, and there’s a new excited sparkle in his eyes.

“I want to finger you.” I tell him. There is a swift change in his eyes, but I can’t tell if it’s excitement or fear. “I don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I think it will make you feel really good.”

“I want to.” Blaine tells me quickly.

I roll off of him and reach for my nightstand drawer. I open it and pull out the bottle of lube that Blaine bought us ( _Thank you Blaine!_ ). I close the drawer again and move back until I’m on top of him. I kiss him one more time.

“Let me know if it hurts or if it’s uncomfortable in anyway. Then I’ll stop.”

Blaine nods. “Okay. You have me really turned on right now, I’m so fucking hard.”

I smile at him. “Good, I like that. I think I can make you even harder.” 

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

I give him one more kiss before I move down and kneel between his legs. I kiss the inside of his thighs and run my tongue along the underside of his cock. I lick his balls, and Blaine hisses a “Shit Kurt” when I suck one of his balls into my mouth. I let my thumb run over his hole, and when I do, Blaine whimpers above me.

I sit back and take the bottle of lube in my hand. I pop the cap open and pour some of its content into my hand. I smear it out over my fingers and look down at Blaine’s hole. I’m betting it will be really tight, and I can’t wait to feel him around my fingers. I look up at Blaine. He’s laying with closed eyes, waiting for me to touch him.

“Tell me if you don’t like it.”

“Just do it, Kurt, don’t make me wait.” Blaine growls.

I move my coated finger against his hole and slowly push it in. Blaine clenches around my finger. I rub his thigh soothingly to get him to relax before I move my finger in a little bit further. He is tight, and I can’t help but wonder how it will feel to have my cock inside him.

I start to move my finger slowly in and out of his hole, pushing a little bit farther in each time. Blaine relaxes with every push.

“You okay?” I ask him

“Y-yes.” He breathes out. “It feels strange, but in a good way. Please, don’t stop.”

“I won’t, unless you tell me to.” I promise him.

When I think he’s ready for it, I pull out my finger and then push in with two. Blaine hisses slightly, but doesn’t tell me to stop. I stretch him a little bit before I move my fingers farther in. 

“ _Oh shit… Kurt…_ ” Blaine moans.

It’s a new sensation for me too, but I’m totally turned on by it. Hearing him moan, feeling him like this, tight around my fingers, my fingers feeling their ways around the tight walls of his ass, imagining it being my cock, makes my cock drip with pre-cum. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself from coming before him.

My fingers trace around, searching for that one spot that will make everything feel so much better. I know when I find it, I can feel it, but I also see Blaine’s reaction. He bucks his hips up and moans a loud and surprised “Fuck Kurt!”.

“Let me make you feel good, baby.” I tell him and trace my finger over his prostate again.

“ _Oh my God, Kurt_ , that feels so good. Whatever it is you’re doing, please don’t stop. _S-so good Kurt, sooo good_.” Blaine moans and pushes his ass down on my fingers. Watching Blaine writhe with pleasure, as my fingers push in and out of his ass, is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. Blaine takes his cock in his hand and starts stroking himself.

“ _I-I’m close, Kurt_.” Blaine breathes out, his voice a little unstable as he’s trying to hold back his orgasm.

“Come for me, baby.” I say and increase the speed with which I move my fingers in and out of him, pushing deeper inside, massaging his prostate. 

“ _God, right there…_ ” He bucks up, and with a loud moan, he cries out my name and comes, spilling his cum all over his chest and stomach as he slowly strokes himself to orgasm. His ass clenches tight around my fingers when he comes, and that feeling alone almost makes me come.

He pants heavily as his hand slows and stills. I carefully pull out my fingers, and Blaine whimpers slightly when I do, as if he doesn’t want my fingers to stop filling him. I lean up over him, lick across his stomach and up his chest. My tongue eagerly finding every drop of cum. I truly believe I can become addicted to the taste of him. 

I meet his lips in a kiss and push my tongue into his mouth, making him taste himself. Blaine pulls me close, eagerly licking into my mouth, wanting to taste himself. I lay down next to him on the bed, my hard cock poking into his hip.

“That was just… wow, Kurt.” Blaine says in a blissed voice. “What was that? I mean how did you do that? I didn’t know you could feel like this from doing that.”

“Was it that good?” I ask. I’m curious. I don’t know what it feels like, but I desperately want to find out.

“Oh, good doesn’t even begin to describe it. Honestly that’s like the best orgasm ever.” Okay so he’s probably exaggerating a little bit, but I’m happy to have given him that. “What was that?”

“Your prostate.”

“Really? Blaine says sounding surprised.

“Yes, really.” I chuckle. Sometimes I forget this is a whole new world for him, and he has probably not spent as much time as I have reading up on things.

“Is that why you like it so much whenever my fingers are inside you?”

“Well, you haven’t been deep enough to touch that spot, but I just find it very erotic whenever any part of you is near that part of my body.”

“Any part of me… You’re funny Kurt. The only part of me that’s been close to that area are my fingers.”

_Yet._

“I have a very good imagination.” I tell him with a smirk.

One of Blaine’s hands wander down the side of my chest and back to my ass. “Can I try it on you?”

“Oh God, yes, please.” I say a little high pitched and thrust my cock against his hip bone. I was hoping he would want to finger me, too.

One of his fingers slides inside my crack and pushes against my hole. It always feels good when he touches me there, and this time is no exception. He kisses me before he shifts his position and kisses his way down my body until he’s positioned between my legs.

“You have to tell me if I’m doing it wrong.” Blaine tells me while taking the bottle of lube in his hand. “I want this to be good for you.”

“I’m sure it will be, baby, just go with your instincts.” I’m so ready to have his fingers inside me. “Just take it slow and start with one finger. I trust you.” I add at the end and smile. “And I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Blaine says and kisses the top of my knee. He then moves closer and I spread my legs for him. 

I feel his finger tracing over my hole a few times. It feels like he’s teasing me, and I’m about to tell him to stop with that. But then he finally pushes his fingertip inside me. It’s only a fingertip but it feels so good. I have a feeling it will feel so much better the more of him I have inside me. 

“Feels good, baby.” I assure him when he pushes his finger further in.

I close my eyes, but I can feel Blaine watching me as he pushes his finger even farther inside me until it’s pushed in as deep as possible. I open one eye and peek down at him, watching him watch me. His eyes never leave my ass as he starts moving his finger in and out of it. I think he’s getting a kick out of watching himself fingering me. I wish I could see it myself, but I don’t want to move or break the amazing thing Blaine is doing to me.

“How does that feel?” Blaine asks. He’s still worried he’s going to do it wrong, but he shouldn’t worry because this is so right.

“ _So good._ ” I moan. “You can add another.”

Blaine pulls out, and then there are two fingers pushing in, and God, that’s even better. He moves his fingers deep inside and then pulls them out again. He pushes one finger inside, then the other, then both. He’s slow and gentle, afraid to hurt me, but I won’t break, and I need him to move faster. I tell him and when his fingers push faster in and out of my hole, I’m completely gone. I knew I would like this, but I had no idea it would feel like this.

“ _Fuck... feels amazing._ ” I moan. Then I feel his fingers curve inside of me, and it’s pleasure on a whole new level. I let out a sound I don’t think I’ve ever heard myself make before. It’s moaning and growling and whimpering and Blaine and fuck and God all at once. The sounds just come tumbling uncontrollably out of me.

“That’s it right?” Blaine looks up at me with a bright smile, looking like a kid who found a treasure. “I found the spot?”

I answer something, not sure what, and then moan when he hits the spot again. “ _Oh God, Blaine._ Keep doing that.”

“God, you look so hot, Kurt.” Blaine says, licking his lips. “So fucking hot. I could just spend the rest of my life doing this to you. I’m already hard again.”

“ _Shit Blaine._ ” I say, feeling myself grow harder from his words. How that is even possible? I don’t know. I feel myself getting close even though he isn’t touching my cock. But his fingers keeps touching that spot, and it’s just all pleasure and ecstasy.

Then he starts spreading his fingers, stretching me. Making me ready. And it’s nearly driving me insane with a want I’ve never felt before. That’s when I know. I’m ready to have him inside of me. I’m so ready to feel his cock in me.

“I want you inside me.” I tell him without hesitation. Without even thinking twice about it. Because I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.

“Don’t wish for things you aren’t ready for.” Blaine says with a low growl. His eyes are dark, darker than I’ve seen them before as he looks at me from above. There’s so much desire in them.

“I want this Blaine. I am ready. _Please._ ”

“I’m only human, Kurt. I don’t know if I can control myself if you keep begging.” Blaine says almost warningly. “I know this feels good, and that you think that you’re ready for more. But we should talk about this when you’re not all high with lust.”

Blaine’s fingers brush over that spot again. _Oh God_ , there’s no need for words. Not when he’s making me feel like this. “I don’t need to talk about it Blaine. I know what I want. I want you. Inside me. Now.”

Blaine closes his eyes and inhales. Then he stops what he’s doing. He exhales. “I think I need to talk about this.”

_Oh God, I’m so stupid!_ Of course, he needs to talk about it. This isn’t only about what I want. Of course, we should talk before we take this a step further. I know despite everything we’ve been doing, Blaine is still hesitant about a lot of things. I don’t know how far he wants to go. We haven’t talked about this since that first day under the weeping willow.

“I’m sorry… _shit…_ You’re right, Blaine, we should talk about it.” I feel so embarrassed only thinking about myself. “I just got carried away, and...”

“I noticed.” Blaine says with a soft chuckle as he looks down on me with a smile. “You look cute when you blush.” I move my hands up to cover my cheeks, but Blaine removes them with one of his hands. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. It’s okay.” He doesn’t sound like he’s freaking out, which is a relief.

“Maybe you should remove your fingers…” I say, feeling my cheeks heat up even more. I don’t think I can talk with his fingers still in my ass.

“Oh!... yes, of course… Or do you want me to finish this?” Blaine asks, sounding as though he is torn between wanting to talk and wanting to finish what he started.

“No. No, the moments gone.” I say looking down at my fading erection. 

“I’m sorry…” Blaine bites his lips as he eases his fingers out of me.

“It’s okay.” I say and lean up to kiss him. “You’re right. We shouldn’t rush into this without talking about it first.”

I pull him down next to me and pull the cover up over us, so that I can only see his face. Under the cover his fingers find mine, and he moves our laced hands up to rest on his chest. I can feel his heart beating under my touch, faster than it normally does. Faster then when I fall asleep in his arms. My heart is beating in sync with his. I don’t know why because I know this is what I want. I want to give myself to him completely. 

Maybe it’s the fear of rejection. Of him not wanting to do this with me. It’s okay if he doesn’t, of course, it is, but right now, it would feel quite devastating if he said no. He’s had sex before, with girls for sure, but still, he’s had sex. And if he doesn’t want to with me, what does that mean? 

I’m over analyzing this. I know. Our relationship is new. It doesn’t have to mean anything if he wants to wait a little bit longer. 

But, _God_ , I want to do this.

“I meant what I said.” I tell him, looking into his eyes, rubbing my thumb over his heart. “I’m ready. I want to do this with you, but I understand if you’re not ready, and you don’t have to feel bad about it. It’s okay if we wait. I get that it’s a big step for you, it is for me too. But I know that you’re still trying to figure things out.”

A smile spreads across his face. “You’re cute when you worry about me.” He places a quick kiss on my lips. “I want this too, Kurt, but I’m nervous… I’m scared of doing it wrong and hurting you.”

“I don’t think you can do it wrong, baby. It’s not rocket science. You just put-“

“I know how it works, Kurt.” Blaine smiles when he cuts me off. “I was just scared we were going too fast. I didn’t know if you meant what you said or if it was just in the heat of the moment.”

“I wanted it then,” I say, “I still want to now.”

“Me too.” Blaine says.

“So, we’re doing it?” I ask, the butterflies in my belly fluttering with new energy. Everything in me is tingling with anticipation and excitement.

“I think we are.”

I pull him on top of me, kissing him fiercely. Never before have I felt anything like this, I’m not even nervous. It feels as though I should be at least a little nervous, but I feel so safe with Blaine. It feels like everything we have done so far – every kiss, every touch, every orgasm, every hard conversation, every shed tear – has led us to this moment.

I push up against him, my cock already hard again. We’re both moaning when our cocks rub against each other. Blaine reaches for the lube and pour some of its content into his hand. He rolls off of me and his fingers find their way down between my legs, and before I know it, I have two fingers inside me again. His eyes never leave mine as he pushes inside me and bites his lip.

“You’re so tight, Kurt. _Shit!_ I can’t wait to be inside you.”

He finds that magical spot directly, now that he knows where it is, and brushes his fingertips over it. His mouth peppers my torso with kisses, licking and nibbling his way down my chest as his fingers push in and out of me with a speed that is just a few paces short of being perfect. 

I feel my cock dripping pre-cum as Blaine’s lips are moving down my body. Moving closer. Then his tongue is just there, licking the tip of my cock, catching that drop of cum.

“ _Fuck, Blaine…!_ ” I say, thrusting up, wanting him to take me into his mouth.

“You’re so beautiful, Kurt.” Blaine whispers. “So beautiful.” He licks his way down the underside of my cock and back up again, swirling his tongue around the head but never doing anything more than teasing me with his tongue.

His fingers keep moving in and out of me, spreading and stretching. He pulls out, and when he pushes back in there’s another finger added. I gasp and dig my fingernails into his back, holding on tight as I get used to the new feeling. He’s everywhere. In me, on me, kissing me, licking me, filling all my senses.

“Is it okay?” Blaine asks.

“ _Yes, yes_ , keep going.” I breathe out in a low groan and spread my legs wider, as he pushes in a little deeper. I see Blaine’s cock twitch as he watches his fingers move in and out of me, his other hand holding my leg down, spreading me open. 

“I’m ready,” I say, and Blaine looks up at me. I’m so ready, and any more of this will only be torture. I want him. I want to feel his cock inside of me. We look at each other for a few seconds, reassuring ourselves and the other that we’re ready. That we’re doing this. That we want this to happen.

Blaine pulls out his fingers and reaches over to my nightstand drawer. He fumbles around a little before he pulls out a condom. I see that his hands are trembling a little when he tries to open the wrapper.

“Let me.” I tell him and put my hands on his to still his movements. I take the condom from him and tear open the package. I sit up slightly and take his hard cock in my hand. I stroke him a few times before I roll the condom down his cock. “Relax, baby, I want this to happen.” I whisper to him and then I cup his face, press my lips against his and kiss him. I kiss him with all the desire and want that I feel before I lie down on the bed again.

“Do you think you’re stretched enough?” Blaine asks. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Yes, yes, just use enough lube.” I say a little impatiently.

Blaine takes the bottle and slicks himself up. I can see that he’s nervous but also excited when he moves his groin closer to mine. I watch him as he takes his cock and lines it up against my hole. I can feel the tip of his cock against my entrance. He looks up, and our eyes meet. He leans down to give me a quick kiss before he moves back again.

“I can’t believe this is happening…”

He pushes his cock slowly inside me. It’s different from having his fingers pushing into me. Blaine is big, and I feel him stretching me. I tell him to wait as I get used to the intrusion. I relax as much as I can, but it still stings a little bit. I suppose it will feel this way the first time. 

“Okay, you can continue.” I tell him when I’m ready, and he pushes in a little farther. I can tell he’s scared of hurting me, but the stinging feeling only lasted a few seconds, and now I want more. 

“God, you’re so tight. Are you sure you’re okay?” Blaine whispers in a worried voice as he pushes in a little bit more. 

“I’m more than okay, Blaine.” I assure him. “I like the way it feels. Keep going.”

But instead of continuing, Blaine pulls out. 

“Don’t stop now.” I beg desperately. _Please don’t stop._

“I’m not.” Blaine says with a cute little embarrassed smile as he closes his eyes and tries to control his breathing. “You’re just so tight, and it feels too good.” He leans down to kiss me, pushing his tongue past my lips and connecting it with mine.

I wrap my arms around his shoulders, kissing him back. When Blaine slowly pushes back inside me, a little deeper than before, I wrap my legs around his waist.

“Shit Kurt…” Blaine whispers into my ear, making me shiver. Making me harder. Making me want him so much more.

I thrust my hips up to absorb more of his cock. I can’t help it if I’m eager. I love how his cock feels inside me, and I just want more of him. Blaine starts to move in and out of me slowly, getting a little bit deeper with each thrust. 

With one more thrust, Blaine bottoms out, and I can feel all of him inside me. I try to keep quiet, but I can’t. It’s just so much better than I imagined it would be. I lace my fingers behind his head and pull him closer, connecting our lips and gasping into his mouth.

Blaine pulls all the way out and slowly pushes back in again. This time, he hits my prostate and somehow it’s even better than when his fingers hit the same spot. 

“ _Yes, baby… oh God… right there._ ” 

Blaine continues slowly and carefully, connecting to that spot each time. His slow speed is almost like torture. “Please, move faster, I won’t break.” I breathe out desperately.

Blaine slowly builds up his speed. “ _Fuck._ ” Blaine moans. “This is the most amazing feeling.” He snaps his hips forward and slams into me, and I feel my orgasm build as he hits that spot over and over. 

_This_ is the pace I need. _This_ is just right. My eyes roll back as he builds a delicious rhythm that makes me moan with each single thrust. " _Oh my God…_ " I didn’t know it was possible to feel this complete, but with Blaine moving in and out of me, nothing has ever felt more right.

Blaine gasps into my neck as he speeds up. " _Fuck, Kurt._ "

I take my dripping cock in my hand and start jerking myself. I’ve never been this hard. 

“Oh, _shit..._ ” Blaine breathes out and starts moving his hips even faster, thrusting into me again and again. He keeps driving me nearer the edge.

“I’m close.” I groan. “Shit, Blaine, you feel so good inside me.”

“I’m so fucking close, too.” Blaine moans, looking down at my hand stroking my cock.

“Come inside me, baby.” I tell him and stroke myself to orgasm, so incredibly turned on by having him inside me and knowing that he will come inside my ass any second. I clench my eyes tight as the feeling completely washes over me, more intense than any other feeling I’ve ever felt.

“ _Kurt!_ ” Blaine cries out as he jerks his hips hard forward three more times and comes. He thrusts a few more times as he follows me into the land of orgasm. He then collapses on top of me. 

Time is still for a few moments. There’s nothing but our quick breathings slowly coming back down to normal.

“I want to do that again.” I say.

“Not tonight, I hope.” Blaine answers, and I hear the smile in his voice. He raises himself up on his elbows, kisses my lips as he slowly pulls himself out of me. We’re both sticky and sweaty, but I don’t care about that right now. He removes the condom, ties it and throws it on the floor. “That was the most incredible thing I’ve ever done.” Blaine says blissfully. Then his voice turns into worry. “Did it hurt a lot?”

“A little in the beginning,” I tell him truthfully, “but then that passed, and it just felt fucking good.”

Blaine lies down next to me and smiles. “We just had sex, Kurt.”

“I know.” I smile back at him. “I’m no longer a virgin.”

“Me neither.”

“You weren’t before either.” I comment.

“I was in the way that counts. I’ve never had my dick inside someone’s ass before, and I never felt this way before.”

“Was it better?” I ask because I just have to know. If I don’t ask, it will always be something I worry about.

“Are you kidding me, Kurt?” Blaine gives me a dumbfounded look. “So much better. I hope you don’t doubt that.”

I shake my head. I don’t doubt him. There’s also a strange sense of relief flooding through me. Blaine is so much more gay than he realizes. The thought makes me smile, and I feel all bubbly inside. Blaine gives me an inquiring look with a raised eyebrow.

“I love you.“ I say and kiss him. There’s no need to share every thought that goes through my mind. “Let’s take a shower and then sleep.”

I feel how tired I am and glance at the clock on my wall. It’s a quarter past two, and the tiredness washes over me as I realize I’ve been up for twenty hours straight. We take a quick shower and then crawl beneath the covers. Blaine spoons me, and I fall asleep while he softly sings into my ear.

_When we’re close like this, I get hypnotized  
When I kiss your lips, I get mesmerized_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a song writer and I'm not gonna pretend that I am. Some of the lines in Blaine's song is borrowed from the song _Trigger_ by Need Music fest. Alejandro Fuentes.
> 
> If the wifi gods are with us, the next chapter won't take that long to update.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's go camping!

**Blaine, Saturday July 9th 2012, 10.13 am**

We’re on our way to our camping trip. It’s about a two hour drive from Lima. I have Sam, Puck and Mike in my car, and Kurt is driving with Quinn and Tina. I wished that I could have Kurt alone in my car, but I might as well start getting used to not having Kurt to myself this weekend. It will be torture for sure.

I think back at last night and smile to myself. I still can’t believe we had sex. It feels huge. Me and Kurt. It’s kind of crazy. If someone would have told me a year ago that I was going to have sex with Kurt, I would have laughed in their face. But now… wow… I want to do it again. 

I yawn and stretch my neck. I was woken up way too early this morning.

_I hear a loud, annoying sound next to me. Make it stop, I think to myself. Whatever it is, make it stop. I feel Kurt move beside me, and then he starts talking. I realize that it was his phone making that sound, and that he’s now talking to someone._

_“Oh shit, what time is it?” Kurt says to the phone. “Okay, yes I was sleeping… Relax Sam, don’t yell at me… Yes he’s here, he’s sleeping on my couch…”_

_Like hell I am, I think to myself and place a kiss at the back of Kurt’s neck. I’m still spooning him. I must have slept like this the entire night, just holding him tight in my arms._

_“I’m sorry, we stayed up late talking… I know we’re late, but you yelling at me won’t make me get ready any faster…”_

_I pull Kurt closer to me, and when I feel my cock connect with his bare ass I remember what we did yesterday and I become hard. I start rocking my hips against him so that my cock slide along his crack._

_“I know that we are the ones with the cars and that we are driving… Okay Sam…”_

_Kurt tries to push me away, but I hold him tight against me and keep sliding my cock against his crack. Kurt tries to stifle a moan as I reach around him and take his cock in my hand. He swats it away and places it on his hip instead._

_“Give us an hour and we’ll be there… Yes I will wake Blaine and tell him that… Okay, bye Sam…”_

_Kurt hangs up and throws the phone on the bed._

_“Stop doing that.” Kurt tells me. “We overslept and now they’re all waiting for us to pick them up.”_

_“Just lay still, this won’t take long” I tell him and continue to slide my cock along his crack. My pre-cum now making the glide smoother._

_To my surprise, Kurt turns around and pins me to the bed. He then swiftly moves down and takes my cock in his mouth. With his amazing mouth, he sucks me until I’m completely gone. I wasn’t lying when I told him it wouldn’t take long as I quickly feel my orgasm build, and when I’m on the brink of coming I tell him and try to pull out. Kurt, however, holds my hip down to the bed and continues to suck me. I can’t hold back and shoot my cum into his hot, wanting mouth. Kurt doesn’t even flinch, just swallows every last drop of it before he runs his tongue along my slit and pulls off. He licks his lips and he looks so fucking gorgeous. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him in my life. I pull him close to me and kiss him hard. I push my tongue into his mouth so that I can taste myself. I like how it makes me feel even more connected to him. It’s like we share everything._

_“You have a wicked mouth.” I tell him._

_He gives me a smug smile. “I know.” He then rolls of me and gets out of the bed._

_“What about you?” I ask him._

_“Not now, we’re already super late, and I know I couldn’t relax. I haven’t even packed, have you?”_

_“Yes, I did that yesterday while you helped your dad.” I lay back on the bed and watch him running around his bedroom trying to find the things he wants to pack._

_“A little help please.” Kurt is stressed and snaps at me._

_In the stressed state he is in, he has forgotten to put on clothes. I smirk at him. “And miss out on this wonderful view.”_

_Kurt stops, looks at himself in the mirror and realizes that he’s still naked. “Oh for goodness sake…” He mutters, walks over to his dresser and pulls out a pair of boxers that he puts on. “Is this better? Can you help me now?”_

_“Actually, it’s a lot worse…” A pillow from the couch is thrown in my direction._

“…Blaine? Blaine! Earth to Blaine.”

I’m brought back to reality by Sam’s voice sounding too loud, too close to my ear.

“Huh?” I say confused as I have not listened to their conversation at all.

“Am I right or am I right?” Sam says.

“Right about what?” I ask.

“About Puck and Quinn dating. Mike doesn’t believe me.”

Daydreaming about Kurt while driving a car full of friends that have no clue that you are dating your best friend really isn’t a good idea. “Sam’s right.” I say and look at Mike through the rearview mirror. I’m a little confused to as why he needs my confirmation when Puck is sitting there right next to him, but then again this is how things often are. 

“Damn! When did this happen?” Mike says.

“A few weeks ago.” Puck answers.

“How did it happen? I mean you just confessed your feelings and kissed or what?” Mike seems very intrigued as he turns towards Puck to give him his full attention.

“I don’t really remember, it just sort of happened one night. I kissed her, and she didn’t stop me, so we just kept doing it.” Puck shrugs as if it’s no big deal.

“She any good in bed?” Sam interposes.

“Sam!” I scold at him. “Quinn’s our friend, remember. Treat her with a little respect.”

Puck doesn’t seem to care though. “She’s the best. She does this thing with her tongue-“

“Guys!” I interrupt. “Respect, remember. Some things are better left private.”

“When did you become such a prude?” Sam asks, giving me a look that says just how boring he thinks I am.

“I’m not a prude. I just think that Quinn, or any woman for that matter, deserves some fucking respect.”

“Is that what your new girlfriend has taught you?” Puck says with a smirk.

“It’s just common sense.” I answer trying my best to ignore Puck’s comment and hoping that the subject will be dropped. But luck is not on my side as Sam is quickly to add to Mike:

“You should have heard the song Blaine wrote about her and performed yesterday.” 

“What song?” Mike asks. “I stay away from you guys for one night, and more things happen than has happened the entire summer.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” I tell them as neutral as I can. Luckily for me, Kurt has told me about their theories about me dating a married woman, so I’m prepared for their questions. 

“Who are you trying to fool, B?” Puck says cockily. “That song obviously was about someone you care a great fucking deal about.”

“What song?!” Mike asks again, this time a lot more frustrated with not knowing enough.

“How did it go now again?” Sam says as he tries to remember the lyrics. “>em>When we’re close like this, I get hypnotized. When I kiss your lips, I get mesmerized.”

I’m impressed that he has memorized both the lyrics and the melody from my song after only hearing it once. I also understand that it might have been a little unconsidered of me to perform that song last night. Even though Kurt and I talked about it, and things are okay between us, after what happened at the pool party, I wanted to show him what he means to me. I should probably have sung it to him in private, but I got an impulse to do it then and there. Like it would mean more if I performed in front of hundreds of people.

Sam continues to sing. “ _Fireworks are lighting up the dark sky. I hold you close, letting you take my breath away. There’s no question, looking into your eye. This is where I belong, this is where I’ll stay_ ”

“It’s just something I made up.” I tell them. “It’s not about anyone.”

“Yeah, right.” Puck says. “You don’t make up shit like that. Just admit that you’re seeing someone.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” I repeat.

“You might not have a girlfriend, but you’re definitely seeing someone. Is she married?” Puck asks. “Is that why you and Kurt were fighting? Does he know? And does he not approve of you seeing someone who’s married?”

“I’m not seeing a married woman, and Kurt and I aren’t fighting.”

“You might not be now, but something definitely happened between you two at the pool party.” Mike says. “What was that all about?”

“Yeah.” Puck chimes in. “You told us to fuck off and then you left. What was _that_ about?”

“We had a little disagreement, but it’s not what you think, and we worked that out so everything is cool now. I’m sorry I yelled at you guys, but I was stressed.” I say trying to get out of the web they’re spinning around me.

“What was it about?” Sam asks “The disagreement.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” I tell them. “Like I said, we’ve talked about it, and everything is cool now. So can we please just drop it.” It’s a statement, not a question, and for once, they actually listen.

“Okay, but what about this woman you’re seeing?” Mike says.

“For the last time. I’m not seeing any woman, married or not. The song isn’t about my “secret” girlfriend.” Technically I’m not lying, I’m not dating a woman, and I don’t have a secret girlfriend. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier if I did though. “Why would I keep that secret from you guys? It’d be kind of cool dating a married woman.” I don’t mean that at all, but it feels like something I need to say to get them of my back. 

“What about that hickey on your neck?” Puck points out, and my hand involuntarily goes up to my neck to hide the mark that Kurt insists to put on me. Normally I don’t mind, but right now, I wish he didn't. “It doesn’t seem to fade away. On the contrary, it seems to get darker each time I see you. I suppose you’re going to tell me you put it there yourself?”

Fuck. Things like words and songs and arguments I can talk my way out of, but this, this is fucking hard to explain without confessing to at least something. Now I only have to figure out how much I need to lie to not get into too much trouble later on.

I let out a dejected sigh. “Okay, so I’ve been hooking up with someone, but it’s not really worth mentioning. It’s just something that has happened a few times, nothing that will become anything serious anyway. Can we go back to talking about Puck and Quinn again? Like how do you plan to stay together when you’re about to live on opposite sides of the country?”

“Nice try dude,” Puck says and leans against the headrest of Sam’s seat so that he can see me better, “but you’re not off the hook that easily. You say it’s not serious, but I saw that hickey on Wednesday, and it has only gotten bigger since, which means that you have “hooked up” with her at least twice this week. Doesn’t sound like nothing to me.”

“It’s not what you think. I’m just having fun. What’s wrong with that? It has nothing to do with the song, and it probably won’t happen again” I try to sound casual, but inside my heart is beating uncontrollably fast, and my mind keeps trying to come up with convincing arguments to stop him from asking further. But I can’t really think clearly and my answers feel unconvincing.

“So why didn’t you just say that from the beginning? I think there’s more to it than you’re letting on…”

“Seriously there isn’t Puck.” 

Puck huffs, and it’s clear that he doesn’t believe me, but I think he’s letting me off the hook. At least for now. 

“Now I really would like to know how you and Quinn are gonna work out with the two of you living on different sides of the country.” I say.

Puck leans back in his seat and shrugs. “I don’t know. We’ve said we’re just gonna see what happens. If we stay together that’s cool, but if we don’t, it’s not the end of the world. We’re gonna remain friends no matter what.”

“Really?” Mike asks. “I couldn’t stand to be apart from Tina, and I don’t know if we would stay together if we were thousands of miles apart. I’m not sure we could even remain friends if we broke up.”

“Quinn and I both realize that our friendship comes first in this. For you, having Tina as your girlfriend is the most important thing, but for me and Quinn, our friendship is more important than jumping into bed together. We’re going to remain friends no matter what happens.”

I’m surprised at how much he seems to have thought about this. I’m also proud of how mature he seems to be handling it. We’re all growing up I realize, becoming more mature and making grown up decisions.

“Impressive.” Mike says, and I think that's a very good word to sum it all up.

Puck’s phone buzzes with an incoming text. He picks it out from his pocket and reads the text. “We’re going to stop at the next gas station. Apparently Kurt needs to pee.”

We drive for another ten miles before a gas station appears and we exit the highway. We pull into the parking lot, and I watch Kurt as he gets out of his car together with Quinn and Tina. They all walk into the gas station. Sam and Puck get out as well, saying something about buying candy. I’m not really paying attention as my eyes are focused on Kurt’s ass. He’s wearing a pair of incredibly skintight jeans. I watched him put them on this morning, but I’m still not certain how he managed to get into them. It’s like they’re glued to his body, and they show off every curve of his gorgeous ass.

I pick up my phone from the center console and type out a message to him.

**Blaine  
Those skintight jeans are very impractical for a camping trip.**

It takes a few minutes before Kurt answers.

**Kurt  
I refuse to dress unfashionably no matter where I’m going.**

I laugh at the typical Kurt reply, which rewards me with a strange look from Mike. I ignore him and quickly write a reply to Kurt instead.

**Blaine  
I mean they are very impractical for me. I’m going to walk around with a hard-on this entire trip.**

**Kurt  
I just snorted so hard, and now the guy next to me in the restroom is looking really funny at me**

**Blaine  
Are you with another man in the restroom? Should I be worried?**

**Kurt  
I just washed my hands baby, he was standing next to me by the sink. Do you really think I would let another man join me in the stall??**

**Blaine  
I was kidding**

**Kurt  
Oh. Okay... Good. So back to the topic. Are you hard now?**

**Blaine  
Are you sexting me Kurt?**

**Kurt  
I don’t know. Am I? I just want to know if you’re hard now thinking about my ass in my skintight jeans**

**Blaine  
I wasn’t, but I am now**

**Kurt  
Just think what you did to that ass last night. My ass still remembers it.**

**Blaine  
Damn, stop it. I can’t drive like this.**

**Kurt  
Okay, I’m coming out now. Take a good look at it. I’m wearing these jeans for your pleasure only (and for my fashion sense, not that anyone acknowledges it)**

I look up from my phone, and there he is, walking out from the gas station. Just as he said he would. I’m pretty sure he sways his ass deliberately when he passes my car. I groan in frustration as he puts on this little show for me. Luckily, Mike is engulfed in his phone and doesn’t notice the sound I make. 

I see Kurt typing something on his phone and soon I get a new text.

**Kurt  
Just so that you know, I’m hard too thinking about last night and your dick in my ass. Love you. Bye.**

Well if I thought I was hard before, it’s nothing compared to what I am now. _Damn it Kurt!_ Now I can’t stop thinking about us having sex, and as pleasurable as that thought is, it’s not one that is welcome right now.

I try to think of something to write in return, something that will put him in the same state of mind (and body) as I am now, but the car doors open, and Sam and Puck jumps in. I quickly shut down my phone, worried that either of them will read my open text thread. Luckily for me, I’m not wearing skintight jeans, and my bulge isn’t that obvious in my bulky shorts.

The rest of the ride is uneventful. We stop at a diner for lunch just before our exit from the highway. We’re really bad campers, stopping for fast food twenty minutes before we arrive at our destination, but none of us have really thought about brining much food.

When we finally arrive at our destination, we park our cars and take out our camping gear. There’s a lot of it, tents, sleeping bags and backpacks. And beer. I don’t know how we will get everything with us for the final thirty minute hike we need to do to get to where our camp is. Somehow, we manage to split up the things between us and start walking.

I know Kurt hates this part of the trip. No matter how fancy his designer hiking boots are (don’t ask me which designer because I have no clues about things like that), hiking just isn’t his thing. When he wasn’t looking earlier I moved some of the things from his backpack to mine so that he would have less to carry. I want him to have fun and enjoy this trip, and I’ll do anything to make that happen, even if it means that I have to carry twice as much as I normally would.

“Hummel, what’s with the walk?” Puck asks. “What happened to you?”

Kurt turns around to look at Puck, cheeks blushing. “Eh, nothing…” When I look at him, I see that he actually walks a little funny. “I just sprained my ankle a little bit, but it’s not that bad.”

When did he do that? He hasn’t mentioned anything about that to me.

“Really? It doesn’t look like you’re limping, it’s more like… I don’t know… just looks like you’re in pain.” Puck continues.

“Really, it’s nothing.” Kurt repeats and turns around again. He appears to try to walk normally, but he isn’t doing a very good job at it.

“So, I’m really looking forward to sitting around the bonfire tonight.” Quinn fills in. “I’ve got some wicked ghost stories lined up for you guys.”

Tina stops and look at her. “No ghost stories Quinn, you know I won’t be able to sleep.”

Mike puts a protective arm around her. “I’ll protect you honey.”

Tina stands on her toes and leans up to give him a kiss. “Thank you, babe.”

“Ugh, I’m not sleeping in your tent.” Sam says with a disgusted face.

“Now I know what it is.” Puck suddenly stops and says. “You got laid, didn’t you?”

It takes a few second for my brain to register that he is talking to Kurt again. Kurt is in pain because we had sex last night. I hurt him, and now I feel like a shitty boyfriend for not asking him how he was feeling this morning.

Kurt blushes uncontrollably at Puck’s comment.

“You so did.” Puck says and chuckles. Everyone has stopped walking now.

“No, I didn’t”

“You did, you had sex last night, that walk, and those bright red cheeks proves that I’m right. Who is he?”

“Puck, leave him alone.” Quinn says, and tries to get Puck to start walking again, but he just shrugs her of.

“No, Hummel got lucky. I’m happy for him, and I want to know who the lucky guy is.”

“Okay, fine.” Kurt says. “I had sex last night. Happy now?”

Everyone but me starts cheering. I feel the panic rise within me, my heart is beating out of control. This is not happening. I just know they will put it all together – me having sex, Kurt having sex, me not stepping up to defend him. Someone will figure it out. I feel like I want to die. I’m not ready for this to come out yet.

“With who?” Tina asks. Her curiosity really isn’t healthy for her.

“He hasn’t come out yet, so I’d rather not say.” Kurt answers and looks down at his boots. If I wasn’t panicking, I would see how uncomfortable he is in the situation, and I would think of something to say to help him, but I’m busy freaking out on my own.

“Oh, that’s so sweet.” Tina says. “Is he like your boyfriend?

“Yes. Maybe. I don’t really know.” Kurt stutters.

“Wait, so you don’t have a crush on Blaine?” Sam asks.

“ _Sam!_ ” Tina says in way that lets everyone know that that was not supposed to be said out loud. Sam looks at her with a complete clueless expression.

“What?! No!” Kurt says. “Why would I? Just because we’re friends? Come on Sam, that’s a little cliché even for you.” He says it with such conviction that even I almost believe him. I have to say I’m digging his acting skills.

“Okay, we all know you don’t have a crush on Blaine.” Tina says to gloss over what I know was her suspicion from the beginning.

“But you were the one who said-“ Sam starts.

“ _Sam!_ ”

“Way to go, Hummel!” Puck apparently wants to change the subject, too. He high fives Kurt and gives him a pat on the back. “You had a dick in you last night. Quinn here can relate.”

“ _Puck!!_ ” Quinn scolds. “ _Come on!_ ”

“Hold on.” Sam starts. “There’s something that I don’t understand here. You told me Blaine slept on your couch last night… Did you drop him off at your place and left him there while you went out to have sex, or did you have sex in front of him?“

I’m feeling so sick right now. My stomach has twitched into one big knot. This can’t be happening. Why is Sam choosing now out of all moments to suddenly remember anything someone has told him? It usually goes in one ear and out the other.

“No!” Kurt snaps. “Eww, no Sam. I, eh…Okay, so I lied before. Blaine didn’t sleep on my couch. I had company, but I didn’t want to tell you that.”

“So that’s why you were late this morning.” Sam says and Kurt nods. “Okay, you are forgotten.” He then turns to me. “What’s your excuse then? Oh, that’s right you weren’t alone either. Shit you guys are keeping way too much stuff secret from us. It’s hard to keep up.”

Kurt gives me a confused look. It takes a few moments for me to gather myself, to realize that Kurt has sacrificed his own pride to save me. He hates talking about private stuff in front of everyone, and now he just revealed he had sex to all of them, and then he lied about lying and whom he was with. Kurt hates lying. I will find a way to make this up to him. Oh, and he has no idea about the lies I had to tell the guys to explain my hickey, hence the confused look.

Even when I start talking, I’m still an incoherent mess. “I… eh…. Kurt… Kurt was supposed to call me and wake me up,” I manage to get out. It sounds stupid, but I can’t think of anything else to say.

“Don’t you have an alarm on your phone?” Mike asks.

“I do, but… eh… you know me, alarms never wake me up. I would sleep through a fucking world war.”

“That’s true,” Sam says.

“Wait a minute.” Quinn says. “You’re both seeing someone? Hmm… what a coincident.”

If looks could kill, I would have sent one her way right now. She knows damn well we are seeing each other. What is she trying to do? Is she trying to expose us? Why? My heart is beating so fast, the panic is right there under my skin. I need to say something but it feels like anything I say can potentially make the situation worse. I can’t do this. My chest is so tight, it’s like I can’t breathe. 

“And you are dating Puck and Tina is dating Mike.” Kurt says. “I’m sure Sam is hooking up with someone, too. It’s not really a coincidence. It’s just life.” I could just kiss Kurt for turning a potential disastrous situation into a shrug. 

“I wish I were…” Sam mutters. “Why am I the only one not dating? What’s wrong with me?”

The conversation turns into one of reassurance for Sam, and I’m able to breathe again. The panic slowly fades and I relax for the moment because it seems we’re off the hook for now, but things really became too real today. I need to be more careful. I can’t go around singing love songs or show off hickeys. Or have sex with Kurt for that matter, not if he ends up being so sore, he can’t walk properly. It’s not worth the risk.

We eventually find our camping site and set up our tents. We have three tents with us. It’s obvious that Mike and Tina will share one and Quinn and Puck will share another. Before either Kurt or I have the chance to say anything, Sam points out that he isn’t sharing a tent with either of the two couples and since I and Kurt will obviously share the last, tent he will just sleep under the stars. Kurt offers him that he can sleep in our tent (for which I want to kick him in his precious ass), but Sam declines. He says tents are for pussies, and that real men sleep outside on camping trips. He gets no arguments from me.

Me, Quinn, Puck and Mike make a hike to a nearby summit, while Kurt stays at the camping site with Sam and Tina. It’s a pretty amazing hike along a hidden trail. The vegetation is compact, and we have to climb over fallen trees and large rocks to get to the summit. It’s hard, and I’m out of breath, but when we get there, it’s all worth it. The view from up here is breathtaking. I wished Kurt would have come along, he would have loved to see this view. I take a few pictures with my phone to show him later. They don’t do the view any justice, but at least it’s something.

On our way back, Quinn and I fall behind Puck and Mike, and I take the opportunity to talk to her. 

In a low voice, so that Mike and Puck won’t hear, I ask her what I’ve been trying to figure out for the last couple of hours. “What the hell was that about before? Are you trying to expose me and Kurt? I thought you were going to keep quiet about us.” I’m upset because I thought I could trust her.

Quinn stops walking and looks at me. “You guys need to be less obvious if you want to keep it a secret. I mean, come on, if any one of them were any smarter, they would figure it out. I just wanted to prove that to you. If you don’t want them to know, you have to be smart and think about what you say and do. And for the love of God stop with giving each other hickeys. Don’t think I didn’t see the ones on Kurt’s chest when I caught you in my pool.”

“Shit!” I’m upset with myself for not being more careful. I’m also scared. It was really close today. Now I realize just how close, and I’m freaking out about it. “Do you really think they will figure it out?”

“I think there is a great chance they will if you’re not careful. But honestly, I don’t think anyone would be upset if they found out. Well maybe they’d be upset because you didn’t tell them, but I think they will all be happy for you guys. You spent all of your time together even before you got together, and you practically live together anyway. So what if we get to see you kiss and hold hands, too.”

“It’s not that easy…”

“Why not? You love him, right?” I nod and she continues. “And he obviously loves you very much. I know that, not only because I heard him tell you that, but also because he lied so many times to protect you. And we all know how much Kurt hates lying.”

I feel deflated and sigh. “It’s just isn’t… I’ve been believing I’m straight my entire life, and now suddenly I find myself being in love with Kurt. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around that. I mean what does it mean? Am I bi? Am I gay? Or is it just because it’s Kurt? Would I find another man attractive if Kurt and I broke up? What do I tell my mom? What do I tell our friends? What do I tell other people around us? Who am I? I have all these questions but I have no answers. It’s just so confusing, and I can’t tell anyone until I have figured it out myself because until then I don’t know what to say.”

“Oh… wow… I’m sorry I…” For once Quinn appears to be lost for words. “Okay, can I give you my honest opinion?”

“As if I could stop you.”

She puts her hand on my arm and leads me to a nearby fallen tree. She sits us down, still keeping her hand on my arm. “I don’t know what it’s like, going through what you’re going through, and I’m not going to pretend that I do. But what I do know is that your love for him is what’s going to help you understand. Who cares if your gay or bi or anything else. What matters is that you love him and that he makes you happy, because he does right?”

“You have no clue.” I say and smile at her. “It’s like I’m able to completely be myself when I’m with him. He gets me like no one else does.”

“See, that’s what matters. Not what sex he has. When you’re ready to tell people, that’s all you need to explain. It doesn’t matter what will happen if you guys break up, or who you end up falling in love with next. What matters is what you have here and now. And what you do have is something rare and beautiful, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that.”

“I’m not ashamed. I’m just worried people will assume I’m something I’m maybe not.”

Quinn takes my hand in hers. “You care too much about what other people think.”

“That’s what Kurt keeps telling me too. But it’s not that easy for me. People will judge me, and I wish I could say I was strong enough to handle that, but I’m not. You saw what happened to Kurt at the pool party. That could have been me, and that freaks me out. I can’t handle things like that, not the way Kurt can. I’m not strong like that...”

“But you know what, most people there didn’t give a shit about it, you know. That was the opinion of three idiots. No one else agreed with what they said.”

“Kurt thinks it will be easier when we move to New York, that people are more open minded there, but there are always gonna be people like that, no matter where we live. And honestly, I don’t know how to handle it.” 

I don’t know where all of this is coming from. I haven’t even addressed all these worries to Kurt. There is something about Quinn, and the way she cares, that makes it easy for me to open up to her. As crazy as it sounds, it’s like her words reassure me more than anything Kurt could have said. She’s not in this relationship, and she doesn’t say these things just to appease me. I didn’t realize before how much I needed to talk someone besides Kurt about this.

“It’s true, there will always be people with opinions like that, but you can’t let them win. You’re not wrong for loving Kurt. That’s what they want you to think, but they are the ones who are wrong. Love is love, gender has nothing to do with it. I know you don’t think that you are strong, but you are.”

“I’m really not. I wish I were… Kurt deserves someone who is. He deserves someone who is so much more than I am. Someone he can go on dates with, who doesn’t look over his shoulder before he kisses him. Someone he can be proud of. I so want to be that person for him. But I can’t… I’m so worried that he will get tired of my dithering, and that he will leave me before I get my shit together.” I feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes. I don’t want to cry, but the thought of losing Kurt scares me so much.

“Not that I think you have to worry about Kurt leaving you, but you’re the only one that can do anything to change that, B. I’m not saying that you need to figure everything out and come out today or any time soon. I’m just saying that the answers are already there in front of you. You just have to look.”

I don’t say anything, she has given me a lot to think about. Maybe I am making it harder than it needs to be? It’s so frustrating, I can feel that the answers are right there, that I should be able to see them. But I can’t, not yet.

But this isn’t only about figuring out who I am. It’s about accepting who that person is, too. Can I identify myself with being gay? I love Kurt, and I don’t want to be without him. But using the term gay about myself, it feels like there’s so much else than just my love for him that comes with that word, and I don’t know if I can relate to that. I’m still the same person I was before, the only difference is that I love Kurt.

“So,” Quinn starts, “you guys had sex.”

I feel myself blush, and I stand up ready to start walking again. Although we just had a very in-depth conversation about my life, I don't think I’m ready to share any intimate details about my sex life with her. “I’m not talking to you about this. I think we should start walking so we don't lose track of Mike and Puck.”

“Come on, who else are you going to talk to about it? I know you’re dying to tell someone. So here I am. Sit down again.”

I smile to myself at the memory of Kurt and myself last night. I do find myself wanting to talk about it, and my choices are limited. Quinn just makes it easy to talk. I know she cares about me, and that she isn’t judging me for feeling this way about Kurt. It feels safe to talk to her. “Okay.” I say and sit back down again.

“What was it like?” Quinn turns towards me, intrigued and curious.

I can’t help the big grin spreading across my face. “It was amazing. That’s the only way I can describe it. I felt so connected to him.”

“That’s a totally awesome feeling, isn’t it?” She says and smiles as though she knows exactly what I mean. But I don’t think it’s possible for her to know. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to feel the way I felt about Kurt last night. At least, I didn’t know it was possible to feel that way. “Now I want the juicy details. Like who did what, whose thing went where?”

I blush again and hide my face in my hands, feeling a little exposed. “I’m so not ready to give you all of those details. All I want to say it that it was way, way better than any sex I’ve had with a girl.”

“Aww, you’re so gay. Oh, wait!” Quinn holds up her hand as she has just realized something. “Kurt’s walk! You topped Blaine, you totally tapped his ass.”

“Okay Quinn, no need to get graphic.” I say trying to stay serious, but then I lose it, and burst into a big smile, because yeah, I did and don’t regret it for a second. “But yes, I did!”

“And you totally loved it!” Quinn shrieks excitedly.

“O.M.G, it was so good. It’s like all I can think about now.” I can’t help but get carried away with her excitedness.

“You’re so hooked on him,” Quinn laughs, “Like I said, the answers are right in front of you.” 

I give her a big hug. I think I really needed this conversation. Not the part about us having sex, but everything else we’ve talked about. I wish I knew what she meant. If the answers are there, how come I don’t see them?

We get up from the fallen tree and start walking back towards the camp. Somehow we end up getting back before Mike and Puck. Apparently you can get lost on a one way trail. We spend the rest of the afternoon chilling, drinking beer and letting Tina give us all a tarot reading. Apparently Kurt is to meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. I don’t know about the tall part, but dark and handsome, I can agree with. She tells me that she sees great changes coming in my life, and that if I’m brave enough to embrace them, my happiness will multiply by tenfold. 

When evening comes, we light a bonfire and bring out the hotdogs and make s’mores. As darkness falls, I move closer to Kurt. I haven’t really talked to him today, and as silly as it might be, I have missed him. When Quinn starts with her ghost stories, Kurt is sitting on a log (because he refuses to sit on the ground and get his jeans dirty). I get up to grab a new beer and at the same time I get a coke for Kurt. I give it to him and sit down on the ground between his legs. I try telling myself to just act normal around Kurt when the others are around, and this is something I would normally do.

It feels good to be close to him. Even if we can’t kiss or touch, just being close to him makes me feel calm and like I can breathe freely without this heaviness weighing me down. When Kurt absentmindedly starts running his fingers through my curls, I can’t help but shiver with pleasure. It’s completely dark now, there’s just the light from the fire, and it’s barely enough to light up the circle we’re sitting in. It’s a cozy atmosphere, and I want to snuggle in close to Kurt, but settle with leaning my head against his knee.

Quinn’s ghost stories don’t really scare me, but I can tell that Kurt gets a little scared when he from time to time yanks my hair. The first time it happens, I turn around and look at him, and he whispers “Sorry” to me. I just smile in return and give him a reassuring squeeze on his thigh.

Sometime after midnight, Mike and Tina are the first to go to sleep. Kurt takes it as an opportunity to point out that he’s also tired and ready to go to sleep. I quickly follow his tracks, I’ve been waiting the entire day for this moment when I can be alone with him. We brush our teeth together and say goodnight to Sam, who’s still insists on sleeping under the stars, and then we crawl into our tent.

Finally alone, I almost attack Kurt with a long, hungry kiss.

“God, I missed doing this today.” I whisper to him.

“Me too.” Kurt whispers back and kisses me again. 

Tasting him, breathing in his scent, it makes all my nerve endings come alive. Kurt means so much to me, he’s my everything, and it’s scary how much I need him this close to me. He makes me feel complete.

I watch Kurt undress and get into his pajamas with a big smile on my lips. “Perve.” Kurt tells me and chuckles. He gets into his sleeping bag and I quickly strip down to my underwear and wiggle myself down in his sleeping bag as well. We’re laying closely pressed together and I love every second of it.

“Are you okay?” I whisper to him.

Kurt looks a little confused. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I’m sorry about before, about how everyone found out you had sex.” I tell him and trace my thumb across his lips before I place a light kiss on them.

“It’s not your fault, baby. Don’t worry about it.” Kurt answers and trails his fingers down my left arm and then up again.

“But it is my fault. If I hadn’t had sex with you…”

“I was the one who wanted it, remember.”

“Yeah, but I was too rough on you…” I feel so bad for both hurting him and for that leading to everyone finding out he lost his virginity.

“No, you weren’t. I loved every second of it.” Kurt answers and places a quick peck in my lips.

“Are you really sore?”

“A little.”

“Oh, god. I’m so sorry Kurt. I went too fast. I knew I should have been more careful.” I close my eyes and feel regret washing over me.

“Hey, don’t.” Kurt says and I open my eyes again. “I wanted it to happen just the way it happened. I would still be sore even if you would have gone slower.”

“Are you sure? I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

“And you didn’t. You make me feel good, like all the time.”

“Yeah?”

“You make me extremely happy. The way you love me, it’s like more than I could ever dream of. I know you’re not perfect, but neither am I. We both have our faults and shortcomings, but I love you because of them, not in spite of them. They are a part of who you are, and who you are right now is the perfect guy for me. So don’t change, because this guy makes me so darn happy.”

“Are you serious right now? God Kurt, you make me so happy, too. More than I can even try to explain. You’re so good with words. All I can come up with in return is I love you.” 

“That’s all I need to hear.”

I flip us around so that I’m laying on top of him. “Good, because I’m going to keep telling you that every day for the rest of my life.”

“Rest of your life, huh?”

“Yes, better get used to it.” I say and lean in to kiss him.

Being here with Kurt, hearing him saying I’m the perfect guy for him, that he doesn’t want me to change, makes me feel like anything is possible. I don’t feel any of the confusion I do when I’m alone. Telling him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him feels so right, because at this moment that’s really how I feel. I don’t know if it’s an illusion, if it’s only because of the bubble we create around us when we’re alone. I don’t know if Quinn’s acceptance and how easy that came plays a matter. I don’t know if I will still feel the same way tomorrow, or if my mind will catch up with me. But right now I just want to be in this feeling and not worry about anything.

The kiss starts out slow. I nibble at his lower lip and suck it into my mouth. Our lips spread, Kurt’s tongue finds its way into my mouth, and our tongues swirl together in the most delicious way. I don’t really mean to grind my hips down against Kurt. It’s just what happens when he kisses me this way. I feel Kurt becoming hard when our cocks connect and a quiet moan spills over his lips.

I break the kiss and just watch him as he closes his eyes and meets every single one of my thrusts. Seeing him like this, turned on and wanting, drives me crazy and I want him to feel good. I want to make him feel good.

“I think I have a favor to return from this morning.” I tell him.

Kurt stops his grinding motion, and I can see that he’s torn between wanting to give in and telling me that we can’t, not here, not now. “You don’t have to, Blaine.” Kurt whispers. “Someone might hear us.”

“Then you better keep quiet.” I tell him and unzip the sleeping bag.

“But it will get all sticky and messy.”

“Not if I swallow.” I say and start pulling down his pajama bottoms.

“Oh God, you have a solution to everything.” Kurt says and puts a hand on mine to stop me. “But I still don’t think it’s a good idea. You know I can’t keep quiet.”

I groan in frustration, but he’s right. It’s probably not a good idea. Things have already been too close today. I just want to be everything he needs. Everything he deserves. “I’ll make it up to you when we’re home.” I lay down beside him again and kiss him.

“Come here,” Kurt says and pulls me closer, “you being here close to me makes up for all the missed moments today. Now let me hold you while you fall asleep.”

I nuzzle in close to him, my head resting in his chest and my legs wrapped around his. His fingers move into my hair, lazily running through my curls. This here, snuggling in next to Kurt, is the favorite part of my day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!  
> Next chapter will be posted on Sunday.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is another one of those days where I post two chapters. The chapters don't have any connection really, other than them being rather short and taking place the same night. They're both kind of a transportation to what's coming next. Both also contains small pieces of information that will be of importance for what's coming next/later. Happy reading!

**Pam, Sunday July 10th 2012, 5.40 pm**

I’ve been preparing dinner for the last two hours. I want this dinner to be special so I have put in an extra amount of time and energy to get it right. I’m making lemon and herb roasted chicken with baked potatoes and a lemon and garlic sauce. I haven’t made this dish before but the recipe I found says it’s easy and foolproof, which sounds perfect to me.

Blaine hasn’t come home from his camping trip yet, but that’s okay, I’m expecting him to arrive any moment. He texted me about twenty minutes ago saying that he was on his way, asking if I wanted him to pick something up on his way. I’m actually glad he hasn’t been here. I’m not god at this. I’ve never been that type of mom who spends hours in the kitchen making dinner or baking cookies. And God knows I’ve made a mess preparing this dinner, but thankfully I’ve had time to clean up while the chicken’s been roasting in the oven. I hope Burt likes chicken.

I hear the door open and a heavy bag being dropped on the floor.

“Mom?”

“In the kitchen, sweetheart.” I call back and turn around just as Blaine enters the kitchen. He’s got a bright smile on his face as he wraps me up in a hug.

“Whatever it is you’re making, it smells delicious, Mom.”

“Really?” I say and hug him back, trying not to touch him with my dish soap soaked hands. “I hope it tastes good, too.”

“I’m sure it will.” Blaine says and lets go.

“How was your trip?”

“It was good.” Blaine answers and tries to steal a slice of tomato from the salad that I’ve made, but I swat his hand away. “Yesterday we hiked to this really cool summit with an amazing view and then sat around the fire just talking. And today we found this small lake that we all took a swim in. Well not Kurt and Tina, of course, but the rest of us.”

He sounds so happy. His dad used to take him and Cooper camping when he was a kid. I remember how excited he used to be before those trips, and how he’d never stop talking about them afterwards. But that was a long time ago now. A lot has changed since then. But it warms my heart that he still has that excited inner kid in him when it comes to things like this.

“Do you need me to do something?” Blaine asks. “Kurt and Burt will be here soon I think.”

“Just put away your bag and wash your hands, then you can help me set the table.” I tell him and watch him leave to get his bag. Five minutes later he’s back in the kitchen.

“Thank you for doing this, Mom. It’s really sweet of you.” Blaine says and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“Well, it’s the least I can do to thank Burt. I should have done it a long time ago.”

Blaine reaches up to the cupboard, grabs plates and glasses, and starts setting the table. I check the chicken and the potatoes to make sure everything is ready. Then I stir the sauce, making sure there are no lumps, and that it’s heated properly.

“Relax, Mom.” Blaine’s hands are on my tensed shoulders, like he can see how nervous I am about getting this dinner right. I’m not sure why I’m this nervous, inviting Kurt and Burt to dinner was my own idea. Although a dinner doesn’t feel near enough as a thank you for what Burt has done for Blaine. But there is a question I want to ask Burt that has had me a little anxious the past couple of days. “I’m sure everything will be perfect.” Blaine continues.

The doorbell rings just as Blaine does the finishing touches to the table. “I’ll get it.” Blaine says, and I follow him out to the hallway.

I’m greeted with a big hug from Kurt and a firm handshake from Burt. Burt has brought me a bottle of red wine as a hostess gift, and I suggest we drink it to dinner. I invite them to sit down in the kitchen. While I take the chicken and potatoes out of the oven, Blaine opens up the bottle of wine and pours me and Burt a glass each. He then gets a coke from the fridge for himself and Kurt.

I place the food on the table. I really, really hope the food will be okay. I don’t want to embarrass Blaine.

“It smells fantastic, Pam.” Kurt tells me politely. I’ve always thought he was the so well mannered.

“Thank you, Kurt.” I say and smile at him.

“And it looks absolutely delicious.” Burt adds.

“You’re too kind.” I say and send a smile in his direction, too.

Blaine picks up the knife and starts cutting the chicken, but suddenly he stops. He looks a little distressed.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” I ask feeling my stomach turn into knots and my heart beating faster.

“Eh, Mom… the chicken is kinda raw…” Blaine says.

“What?!” I get up on my feet and lean over the table to look, and see that he in fact is telling the truth. “But that’s impossible. It’s been in the oven for one hour.” I say and feel mortified. How can it not be cooked all the way through? “I followed the recipe exactly.”

“Where did you find the recipe?” Burt asks.

“On the internet.” 

“Can I look at it?” Kurt asks.

I walk over to the kitchen counter and grab the iPad. I turn it on and hand it over to Kurt. He scrolls through the recipe and then looks up at me.

“The description for the oven setting is in Celsius.” Kurt says.

“What does that mean?” I ask confused.

“It means you have to convert it to Fahrenheit to get the correct temperature.” Kurt says. “Otherwise the temperature will be too low.”

I sit down again and bury my head in my hands. “Oh my God. How did I not know this? I’m such a fool.” This is why I don’t cook. This is why I shouldn’t even try to cook, not even to impress people. Especially not then.

“Don’t worry about it.” Burt says. “It happened to me too once.”

“That’s very sweet of you, but I’m sure it didn’t. I’m so embarrassed… I invited you over for dinner, and now I don’t have any food to offer you.” Mortified doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel right now. 

“It did happen to me.” Burt continues. “It was right after Kurt’s mother had passed away, and I was going to cook Kurt a homemade meal. Elizabeth was normally the one who cooked dinner, but I wanted to give Kurt a sense of normalcy so I thought I’d give it a try. Ended up just like this.” Burt laughs at his own story, and it actually brings a smile to my lips as well. It feels good that I’m not the only parent who makes mistakes. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I do.

“I’m truly sorry for this.” I say and look at Burt, but he just shrugs.

“Let’s order pizza from the place on the corner instead.” Blaine says and walks over to the fridge to get the take away menu.

“Okay, let’s do that.” I say, still feeling embarrassed about the situation. 

While Blaine and Kurt head out to get the pizza, I clear the table and throw away the undercooked chicken. I then sit down opposite to Burt, raise my glass in a cheer, and take a big gulp of the red wine.

“At least we have really good wine.” I say and try to smile at the situation.

“At least there is that.” Burt says and laughs. “Don’t worry about it,” he says again, “I like pizza.”

I sigh. “I wanted to make an impression on you and say thank you for all you’ve done for Blaine all these years.”

“There’s no need to thank me, it’s been my pleasure.” Burt says. “Blaine is a great kid, and he’s Kurt’s best friend. I’d do anything for him.” Although I know it’s said with good intentions, I can’t help but feel like the crappy mom I am. I haven’t always had Blaine’s best as my first priority, but this man clearly has. “I love him as if he were my own. Not that he is, of course.” Burt adds, and I don’t know if I’m jealous of their relationship or happy that he is in Blaine’s life.

“Thank you anyway. I know it has meant a lot to him. And to Kurt, he and Kurt really do get along well.” Very well it seems, if the scene I walked in on earlier this week is anything to go by.

I have this habit of checking in on Blaine when I get home in the mornings. I don’t have to possibility to see him as much as I’d like to, given the hours that I work, and knowing that he’s at home sleeping in his bed gives me some sense of comfort. Sometimes he spends the night with the Hummel’s, and he usually don’t tell me if he’s going to be home or not. After what I’ve put him through and how much he has been forced to take care of himself, I don’t expect him to let me know his whereabouts. At least I know where he is when he’s not sleeping in his own bed, and I guess I have to accept that that’s how our situation is.

To say that I was shocked to find Blaine and Kurt sleeping in the same bed, wrapped tightly around each other, wouldn’t be an understatement. I’m not sure it means what I think it means, and I don’t know how I feel about it. Blaine has never mentioned being interested in guys, he’s only ever had girlfriends. At least as far as I know. In some way, I guess it makes sense. I can’t explain it, but Blaine and Kurt are always together. Blaine has never had a serious girlfriend. I think he dated Maddie for several months, but I only ever met her twice. She’s never hung around the apartment like Kurt has. So in that way, it makes sense. But in many other ways, it’s a complete shock.

“Yeah, sometimes I feel like they’re inseparable,” Burt says, “but they’re good for each other. I’m actually relieved they’re moving to New York together. I know I’d be so worried if Kurt would’ve moved there by himself.”

I wonder if Burt knows anything or if it’s just me that’s kept in the dark. I try to think of a way to ask him without giving too much away because if he doesn’t know then maybe this will be a shock for him too. And that I don’t want. I think I’ve screwed up enough tonight. Before I get the chance to say anything though, I hear the door open and Blaine and Kurt’s chatter fill the apartment.

We eat pizza, drink wine, talk and laugh. I find myself liking Burt more and more. He’s a good man and a good influence on Blaine. One dinner is not enough to thank him for what he has done for Blaine. I don’t think a lifetime of dinners would be enough. When Blaine had no other male role models to look up to, Burt was there. I can see that he gets so many of his mannerisms from Burt.

After we finish with our pizzas, Blaine suggests that Burt and I move into the living room while he and Kurt clean up and prepare dessert. Thank God I bought ice cream. There’s no way to mess up ice cream. 

Burt and I take our wine glasses and walk into the living room. We sit down on opposite sides of the couch. It’s the only furniture there is to sit on in the sparsely decorated room. Being a single mother, working the night shift, doesn’t really pay for anything more.

“I truly want to thank you, Burt.” I tell him. “You have really made an impact on Blaine’s life. I know I haven’t always been the best mother, but I’m very grateful that he has had you to turn to.”

“Well, he has done a lot for my son too, you know. If it wasn’t for Blaine, I think Kurt would still be a shy, uncomfortable teenager with very few friends.”

“Yeah, they are very close.” I say. Too close maybe. I’m not sure I like this turn of events. I want to find out if my suspicions are right and how much Burt knows. “Does Kurt have a girlfriend?” I ask and take sip of my wine. 

If Burt is surprised by my out of the blue question, he doesn’t let it on. “Oh, no, Kurt’s gay.” Burt says and laughs a little. “Hasn’t Blaine told you?”

“No, he hasn’t, but then again we don’t see each other that much.” I say and try to gloss over the fact that my son hasn’t told me this big news about his best friend, but then I figured as much after the way I found the two of them in bed together. “But, wow, that’s big news, I guess.”

“It took me a little by surprise at first, I must say, but it’s who he is, and it doesn’t matter to me if he’s straight or gay. As long as he’s happy, I’m happy.”

“Does he have a boyfriend?”

Burt squirms uncomfortable beside me on the couch. “Ehm… well… eh… that’s ehm...”

I debate whether I should tell him what I saw. I think that Burt knows something, at least it appears so from his non-answer. But what if he doesn’t know, will I reveal something I’m not supposed to? I decide to take my chances because I want to know if it’s something serious or if they just ended up like that unintentionally while sleeping.

“Okay, if I tell you that I walked in on Blaine and Kurt sleeping in Blaine’s bed, wrapped tightly around each other, would that make it easier for you to answer my question?” I take another sip of wine from my glass, just to do something while I wait for Burt’s reaction.

“You did?” Burt asks in what I think is confusion and unsettledness. 

“Yes. I have this habit of checking Blaine’s room to see if he’s sleeping at home or at your place. It’s just good to know where he is, and, well, on Tuesday morning when I got home from work, I did just that, and now I wondering how serious it is.”

“It’s not really my place to tell. I think you need to ask Blaine about it.” Burt says.

“But there’s obviously something going on between them. I guess I just want to know if my son is gay, too.”

“Pam, I’m sorry,” Burt says, “but I really can’t talk about this.”

“I can respect that,” I say, “even though you just confirmed my suspicions.” An uneasy feeling settles within me when I realize that my son is gay.

Burt shifts a little uncomfortably on the couch next to me. It looks like he has a million thoughts flying through his head. “How does that make you feel?” Burt asks, and then quickly adds, “Not that I’m confirming anything.”

I don’t know how to answer that. Burt seems so okay with his son being gay and probably with our sons dating or whatever it is they’re doing. But I don't know... This is not what I wanted for my son. I love Kurt, he’s an amazing friend to Blaine, but I wished it would have stayed at that. But I can’t say that to Burt, not without sounding like I disrespect his son and who he is. Who my own son apparently is. Blaine thinks so highly of this man, and it’s important to me that he likes me.

I’ve never been good at handling situations where my opinion differs from others. It’s the real reason why my relationship with Blaine is as broken as it is. I tend to trust others opinions more than my own. I mean, my gut feeling is telling me something, but then there’s Burt who seems to fully accept them as boyfriends. At least it’s clear that they have told him, and that he’s okay with them spending every night together (I know Blaine hasn’t spent another night at home this week).

So maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Burt is right in accepting them. He sure seems to have it together, more so than I. I do want Blaine to be happy, and if this is what makes him happy, I should be able to support him.

“I guess I’m happy for them,” I say tentatively, “but also kind of sad that Blaine hasn’t told me anything. I don’t know what this is or how serious it is, but all I want is for Blaine to be happy.”

“Good to know.” Burt says and leans back on the couch. “I think you should tell Blaine that.”

I don’t know if I could, not yet. I think Blaine would notice if I’m not completely honest with him. I have to think some more about how I feel. I don’t want to jeopardize the relationship I’m trying to rebuild with him. I think it’s better if I wait until Blaine decides to tell me he’s gay. Hopefully by then I’ll know what to say to him. Instead of answering Burt, I smile and take another sip of wine.

“I heard you have a new man in your life.” Burt says and drinks from his glass. I think we’re both in need of a change of topic as we’re both holding back information, and so I’m relieved Burt did just that.

“Donald, yes, but where taking things slow, just talking and getting to know each other. I’ve made so many mistakes before, and I don’t want to repeat that. I don’t want to drive Blaine away again.” I tell him. 

“He’s really proud of you and how you have changed your life.” Burt tells me and pats my arm. 

“Thank you.” It makes me happy to hear that. Even if Blaine hasn’t told me as much, hearing that he has told Burt fills my heart with joy.

“I’m sort of seeing someone, too.” Burt says and smiles slightly at the thought of this person. I’m surprised to hear this. I know Kurt’s mom died when he was a kid, and I’ve never heard Kurt or Blaine mention him seeing anyone since, so I’ve just assumed he was content with the way his life turned out.

“Oh, I’m so happy for you. But what do you mean by sort of?” I ask.

“I met her a few months back, but I haven’t told Kurt about her yet. Her name is Carol. She’s just very sweet and kind, and maybe it has the potential to become something.” His smile becomes brighter as he describes her to me.

“Can I ask you why you haven’t told Kurt?”

“It’s been just him and me for ten years, and, well, Blaine too. But me and Kurt, we’ve been through a lot together. I just don’t want to bring someone else into the mix until I’m sure it will evolve to something meaningful.”

“I’m sure Kurt wants you to be happy, and if Carole makes you happy, Kurt won’t mind.” I say and feel strangely happy for this man, whom I barely know, but still wishes all the best in the world.

“Thank you.” Burt says and smiles. We both sit back and take another sip of wine.

“They’re taking an awful lot of time preparing that ice cream.” I say and glance towards the kitchen.

“A wild guess, but I think they’re not only preparing ice cream.” Burt says and gives me a wink.

I laugh lightly, remembering what it was like being a teenager and in love. Not that I know if they’re in love. Not that I know anything about their relationship really. 

Just then, Blaine and Kurt come into the living room. Blaine is carrying a tray with ice cream, plates and spoons. They both look flushed, with red cheeks and Kurt’s hair is oddly out of place. Burt and I look at each other and can’t help but laugh. Kurt and Blaine looks strangely at us, but don’t ask and we don’t tell.


	25. Chapter 25

**Kurt, Sunday July 10th 2012, 11.00 pm**

It’s another extremely warm night. How many of these will we have this summer? I have all my windows open, but it doesn’t help, it’s still too hot to sleep. I’m tired from sleeping on the ground last night, well actually I’m tired from too many nights with not enough sleep. A sweet price I’m more than willing to pay if it means spending my nights with Blaine. But, still, I’m tired, and the heat is keeping me from falling asleep. I lay in the dark, sprawled across my bed, on top of the covers in only my underwear wishing that the wind would pick up and blow some cooler air into my room. But no such luck. I turn around so that I’m lying on my back, hoping that will help me sleep.

Blaine and I have decided to spend the night apart. We have spent almost every night together since we became boyfriends, and some space seemed healthy. But lying here alone now, I have to admit that I miss him. It might be crazy, and it might be that I am crazy in love, but everything is better when he’s around. He makes me feel good about myself in a way I didn’t think was possible for another person to do. 

Sometimes I worry he will realize that he can’t do this - be with me. That it’s too much for him to handle. Especially after this weekend when I could see how scared he was when Puck and Sam were asking us all those questions. I could feel him wanting to disappear, feel him thinking it was too soon, that he wasn’t ready. I could feel his panic. 

But I can’t let those thoughts take over my mind. There can’t be two persons in this relationship with doubts. What mess would we end up in then? I have to believe in us. That what we have is stronger than all the doubts.

I turn around again, lying on my stomach with my hands under my chin and my face turned towards the windows. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him about what happened, how it made him feel. Honestly, I’ve been avoiding the topic, afraid of the answers. He tells me he loves me, and I have to believe that. Believe it will be enough.

I wish he were here. I just know I would be asleep by now if he were here holding me. Even if that would mean his warm body pressed against mine. Maybe I should call him and ask him to come over. But I don’t want to seem needy or clingy. 

Ah, screw it! Who cares if I’m needy? I need him here with me, and I don’t care what that says about me. I reach for my phone on the nightstand, but at the same time, I hear the familiar sound of a key turning. Blaine’s key. Guess I’m not the only one who can’t be alone. I smile to myself and pretend to be asleep.

I hear Blaine open the door and quietly close it behind him. I hear him tiptoe over to my bed and toe off his shoes. I hear him pull off his t-shirt and unzip his pants. I hear him step out of his pants and throw them on the floor. I lie silent in the dark, with my eyes close, anticipating his next move. I feel a shift on the bed as he crawls onto it. Then I feel his weight on me as he lays down on top of me. 

I try to remain still and silent. I try not to smile. I fail miserably.

A big grin spreads across my face as Blaine trail his fingers along my arms, and I push my behind up towards him.

“I thought you were sleeping.” Blaine whispers close to my ear before he nibbles at my earlobe.

“I thought we were spending the night apart.” I answer back. Him being here fills me with relief. Even though I was the one suggesting we spend the night apart, he agreed without protesting. And even though I’ve been too afraid to admit it to myself, I see now how scared I’ve been that him not wanting to be with me meant that all of my fears were becoming true.

“My phone’s dead, and I couldn’t find my charger. Figured I must have left it here. Couldn’t call you to see if I had, so I had to come and check for myself.”

“And you needed to get naked in my bed to do that?” I ask teasingly.

“One, I’m not naked. I still have my underwear on. And two, you looked so damn tempting that I just couldn’t help myself. I was actually only going to get my charger and then leave again.”

“Yeah? I was just about to call you and ask you to come over.”

“Okay, I had no plan of leaving. I know we said we would spend the night apart, but my bed felt too big and empty. And you know how small my bed is.” Blaine says and places a kiss on my cheek.

“I can’t sleep without you next to me. I’m so tired, but I’ve been tossing and turning for over an hour, and there’s just something missing. Someone’s missing.”

“We’re really pathetic, aren’t we?” Blaine says with a trace of a smile in his voice.

“Yes, totally, but I accept that about us. I love that about us.”

“Me too, hot stuff.”

“Hot stuff? Really?” I say a bit skeptical and turn my head slightly so that I can look at him.

“What, you don’t like it?” Blaine asks.

“Not really.”

“Okay. I want to give you a cute nickname too though. You always call me baby, and I like that, but I always call you Kurt. Not that there’s anything wrong with your name. I just want to call you something that is unique for us.”

“I like the idea, but you have to do better than hot stuff.”

“Munchkin?” Blaine suggests.

“That makes me fell short, and I’m taller than you, so no.”

“Snuggy?”

“No, I think you have to think some more about this baby.” I say and Blaine pouts. Damn, he’s so adorable when he pouts. When he looks at me that way, he makes parts of my body come alive, parts that should be sleeping. I can’t help myself, I press my ass up towards his crotch again.

“Does someone want attention?” Blaine’s pout turns into a wicked smile, but other than that, he ignores my invitation and carries on with the conversation as if nothing happened. “I really like snugg., I think you should reconsider. Besides, isn’t it my choice what kind of pet name I give you?”

“No and no.” I tell him. “Besides, “snuggy” is a real turn off.”

“Yeah? Didn’t seem like it a minute ago.” Blaine says and presses his cock against my ass.

“Shut up.” I say and start rocking my hips back and forth.

“Uh, uh.” Blaine says and shakes his head. “It’s your turn to shut up. Now close your eyes and relax. I still think I have a favor to return.”

I know I should admit my fears to him. I’m the one constantly reassuring him, but I could also use some reassurance. But the anticipation of what’s coming next (and Blaine telling me to shut up) makes me think that this can wait.

Instead, I close my eyes and meet Blaine’s lips in a slow kiss. A kiss he breaks way too soon for my liking. He plants butterfly kisses on my cheek and neck, and then he sits up. He straddles my legs so that his groin is still connected to my ass. His fingers scratch up and down my back a few times before the touch turns into fingertip-light touches on my shoulder blades, where he paints slow and graceful patterns. He leans forward and places kisses along my spine making goosebumps form on my skin.

It’s so sensual having him touch me and kiss me like this. He’s so gentle, and it doesn’t feel sexual. It’s just him wanting to feel my skin underneath his fingertips.

His fingertips start tracing patterns on my lower back, and he scooches down between my legs. “Spread your legs.” Blaine says, and I oblige immediately spreading my legs further apart to make room for him. His hands move from my lower back to my ass, and he starts kneading it. “This is one of my favorite parts of your body.”

“I thought that was my lips.” I say.

“Didn’t I tell you to shut up?” Blaine says playfully and bends forward to place a kiss on my lips. When he does that his cock brushes against my ass, and I can feel how hard he has become. “Hush now snuggy, or I might not continue.”

I keep quiet, because even though I hate the name snuggy, I really want him to continue.

“Good.” Blaine says, gives me another kiss and then sits back again. “Like I said, this is one of my favorite parts of your body. Another one is your lips. Both have the potential to make me feel really good.”

I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but whatever it is, I’m not complaining. I’m so turned on right now waiting to see his next move.

His hands are on my ass again, pulling my underwear slightly down, baring the top of my ass. He places a kiss on each cheek before he tells me to lift a little bit so that he can pull off my underwear completely. They land on the floor somewhere, and I’m now lying naked on my bed at Blaine’s mercy. Every nerve ending in my body is alert, filled with anticipation for what’s coming next. My eyes are still closed, and not seeing what he’d doing, but rather feeling it makes me even more turned on. 

Blaine kisses my ass cheeks again and runs his fingers along my crack.

“I want to make you feel good. Can I do that?” Blaine asks.

I only nod in reply. I don’t want to risk answering with words. Not that I think that Blaine would actually stop, but because if he wants me to be quiet, if it’s something he gets a kick out of, then I’m happy to oblige. 

“Good answer.”

I hear Blaine sucking on his finger. I feel my cheeks being parted, and soon I feel a finger circling around my hole.

“Are you still sore?” Blaine asks with a worried voice.

I shake my head. I am a little bit, but who cares about that now.

“Let me know if anything hurts, okay?” I nod. “I don’t want to hurt you. Never in any way.” I nod again to show him that I understand. I wished _he_ would shut up and continue with what he started.

His finger slowly, carefully pushes just inside me. “You’re so damn tight.” He says as he pushes the finger farther in. I really hope he will use some lube if he’s going to continue doing this. And I do hope he will continue.

Blaine slides his finger in and out of my hole. “ _Fuck!_ ” I hiss into my pillow, not caring about not being allowed to speak. It’s a sweet mix of pleasure and pain, but mostly, it’s just an amazing feeling.

I’m extremely turned on and extremely hard. I know if I touched myself now, it would only take seconds before I came. But I don’t because I hope Blaine has other plans for us, plans that involve his dick in my ass.

Blaine keeps fingering me, his fingertips brushing over that spot again and again. I’m not sure how much more I can take before I actually will come, regardless if I touch myself or not. He pulls out his finger and reaches for the lube in my drawer.

That’s when I hear a loud knock on my door.

“Kurt? Blaine? Are you there?”

_What the hell? Who’s knocking at my door at this hour?_

Blaine stops what he’s doing. I see panic in his eyes when I turn around to look at him. His eyes are glued on the door.

“Ignore them.” I tell him. “Just keep doing what you were doing.”

There’s another knock. “Kurt, please open the door.”

“It’s Sam.” Blaine says. “He sounds desperate. Do you think something happened?”

I groan. I don’t care. Not now. Why now? Why?

“I think we better talk to him.” Blaine says and sits up on the bed.

“ _Noo_ , we don’t have to.” I hear myself sounding kind of desperate. “I’m so close, baby. _Please_.”

“I’m sorry Kurt, we have to talk to him.” He’s off the bed and putting on his clothes again. There’s another loud bang on the door. “Coming Sam.” Blaine calls out, and I think to myself that he’s not coming, but I was just about to. Blaine then whispers to me, “Get dressed, unless you want Sam to see you like that.”

I groan again and reluctantly find my underwear on the floor and put them on. Blaine steps forward and takes my hand. “We have to let him in Kurt, he’s our friend. What if something happened to him, we can’t just ignore that.” He gives me a kiss and then looks into my eyes. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“It’s okay, I know we have to. It’s just…”

“I know Kurt, believe me, I know…” Blaine looks a little frustrated too. He gives me another quick kiss before he starts walking towards the door. “Put some pants on.” 

I reach under my pillow to find my pajama bottoms. In a moment of sanity, I turn on my TV and flip through the channels until I find what looks like a movie. I have to make it look as if we were doing something other than what we were actually doing. I lay down on my bed again just as I hear Blaine open the door to let Sam in.

“Sam.” I hear Blaine say. “What’s going on?”

Sam walks into my room, and Blaine closes the door behind him again. “I’m sorry to show up this late, but I tried calling you, but it went straight to voicemail.”

“Yeah, my phone died during our camping trip…”

“And you didn’t think to charge it?” Sam asks and stops by my bed. “I need to talk to you. Hi Kurt.”

“Hi Sam.” I say. “Are you okay?”

“No. I mean yes. I don’t know…” 

“What happened?” Blaine asks.

“I had a fight with my parents. It got kinda bad, and I couldn’t stay. I’ll probably get grounded, but I just had to leave.” Sam says and sits down on the edge of my bed.

“What did you fight about?” Blaine asks and sits down on the floor next to the bed.

“Apparently I had promised to help moving my grandmother to a nursing home this weekend, but I forgot and went camping with you guys instead. I might also have forgotten to mention to them that we were going away. You know how bad reception was out there, and when they couldn’t get hold of me, they kinda freaked out. They were gonna call the police.”

“Oh! Shit! They called the police??” Blaine asks.

“No. They called Tina’s parents to check with them first. When I got home today, they went all bananas on me, yelling at me, calling me irresponsible and all other kinds of bad names that I don’t care to repeat. I tried to tell them that I made a mistake, I’m only human you know, that I was sorry, but I was home now, and everything was okay. But they just kept yelling at me. Not only did I have them worried sick, but I let them down, and I let my grandmother down, and I scared my brother and sister when I went missing. But it’s not like I did it on purpose, I just forgot…”

“That’s kinda bad.” Blaine says.

“I know, but they wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say. They just kept yelling at me. So I left. I just turned around and walked out the door again. I’ve been walking around ever since.”

“I dropped you off at five.” I tell Sam. “That’s quite a lot of walking.”

“I didn’t know what to do, and I needed time think. I tried calling you.” Sam says facing Blaine. “But you didn’t answer. And I knew you had this dinner with your mom, so I didn’t want to disturb. But when I kept calling, and you still didn’t answer, I finally figured you were probably here. I hope it’s okay I came here.”

“Of course, it’s okay.” Blaine says. “So what are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know… is it okay if I sleep here tonight?”

“Yes, of course.” I say. No matter how much I want to be alone with Blaine again, Sam is my friend, and there’s no way I’m not helping him. “But you should probably call your parents to let them know where you are.”

“I’ll send them a text, and then I’ll talk to them tomorrow when things have cooled down.” Sam says and takes out his phone and starts typing. I look at Blaine who is looking at me. He mouths thank you to me, and I nod in reply. “So what were you guys doing?”

“Sleeping.” Blaine answers quickly.

Sam looks around the room. “Where are you sleeping?” 

The couch is not made up the way it used to be when he slept here before we were boyfriends, so it’s a legitimate question. Blaine looks around too, noticing the same thing as Sam and me.

“I mean Kurt was sleeping, I was on the floor watching TV.” Blaine says noticing that the TV is on.

“What’s on?” Sam asks.

Blaine looks at the TV. “Eh… Sex and the City…apparently.” The last word is uttered quietly.

“You’re watching Sex and the City?” Sam asks skeptically.

“Don’t judge me.” Blaine says. “It’s good. I… eh… watch it when I can’t sleep.” 

Of course, it’s a big lie. Blaine doesn’t watch Sex and the City. I do, and he probably just recognized the characters from having been around my house when I’ve watched it. 

“If you say so…” Sam says.

I’m feeling tired again. “Why don’t you guys sleep down here, and I can take the guest room upstairs.” I say not wanting to sleep in the same room with Blaine if Sam is also there. It would take a whole lot of willpower that I don’t know if I have. “Blaine you can sleep in my bed, and Sam can take the couch.”

Blaine looks up at me. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I have to get up early to help Dad at the shop anyway, and I’d just wake you if I was down here.”

“Can I use your shower?” Sam asks. “I haven’t showered since we got back from the camping.”

“Sure” I tell him. “Towels are in the cabinet.”

Sam gets up from my bed. “Thanks, Kurt. And thanks for letting me stay.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I say and Sam walks towards the bathroom. 

When the door closes, Blaine gets up from the floor and sits down next to me on the bed. “Are you really working tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

Blaine looks sad. “I want to spend more time with you.”

“I do too, but I have to help my dad. I’ll be there the whole week.”

“I know, but I miss you when you’re not around.”

“We have the evenings together.” I say in an attempt to cheer him up.

“I know…” Blaine sighs “but I want to spend every minute with you. Everything is better when you are around. My mind doesn't overanalyze things when I’m with you. When I’m alone, I have time to think, and I don’t want to think.”

“Baby…” I say and put my hand on his cheek, stroking it with my thumb. I pull him close and kiss him. I don’t know what to say. He has to figure this out on his own. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling useless. I wish there was something I could do to help him, but all I can do is be there for him. Now I can’t even do that. “You can always come by the shop. Or take me out to lunch.”

“I know, but it’s not the same.” He looks as though he’s about to cry.

“Hey, you know I love you right, and that you mean the world to me.”

“I know…” Blaine says, and it seems to be the only thing he can say.

“Why don’t you hang out with Sam? Looks like he could use some company and support this week.”

“He works during the days. Besides, you heard him, he’s going to get grounded.”

“Okay, but what about Puck or Mike or Quinn or Tina?” I suggest.

“I guess…” Blaine says not entirely convinced.

“Can you promise me that you won’t think too much about things? It will fall into place eventually. There’s no rush to come to any conclusions or make any decisions. Can’t we just be and let things evolve the way they do? No matter what I love you, and that’s not going to change.”

“I can promise that I can try.” Blaine says sounding resigned. “God, I love you so much Kurt.”

“I know you do, baby.”

There’s a smile slowly stretching across his face. “You have a precious ass snuggy.”

I smile at the memory of what we did before Sam showed up. “Don’t call me that.”

“You really don’t like snuggy.” Blaine states. I think he’s disappointed by that.

“No, I really don’t.” I say.

“Guess I have to come up with something else. Maybe I’ll just call you bootylicious.”

“God no!” I say in feigned horror. “Anything but that.” Blaine laughs, and it’s good to see him smile again. “I should go upstairs to get some sleep.”

“I wished we could send Sam upstairs instead, but he probably doesn’t want to be alone right now.” Blaine says.

“He needs you more than I do tonight.” I say and get off the bed. “Will you make up the couch for him?”

“Don’t worry, we’ll fix it.”

“Okay. Good night, baby.” I say and lean down and kiss him. I hear the water still running in the shower so it feels safe to kiss him.

“Good night pooh bear.” Blaine says teasingly and squeezes my ass. 

I poke my tongue out at him, but he quickly catches it in a kiss. When he breaks the kiss, I look at him and pretend to be upset. “You’re comparing me to a short and fat bear, I’m not sure I like that.” 

“But he’s proud of that.” Blaine chuckles as I turn away from him and walk up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, a big thank you to roxymusicandlayers for all the time and effort you put in to make this story better. And for making me learn new things. Who knew there was a word such as wishy-washy? I mean you all probably did, I had to use my best friend google xD


	26. Chapter 26

**Blaine, Wednesday July 13th 2012, 9.54 pm**

”Do you think we are alone in the universe?” I ask.

“You mean, like if there’s little Martians running around on Mars?” Kurt answers.

“No, I mean do you really think that Earth is the only planet where there is life?”

Kurt shifts between my legs and looks back at me. He looks confused and slightly worried. “Why do you ask that?”

“It’s just sitting here, looking up at the stars, it seems so unlikely that we should be the only ones. There are endless stars and endless possibilities for life to arise.”

Kurt and I are sitting on the rooftop of my building. I grabbed a blanket and some pillows before we headed up here. Actually, a lot of pillows, and Kurt complained about having to carry half of them all the way up here. Now that I’m propped up against them with him between my legs, his back resting against my chest, I think he’s quite content with my insistence to bring them. My arms are wrapped around his chest, and his hands are resting on top of mine. It’s dark out, only the stars and moon are shining bright above us. In the distance, I hear cars driving by and the usual hustle and bustle of the city.

“I guess you’re right. It’d be pretty cool if we weren’t the only ones out there. What if there is another planet with another you and another me?” Kurt says and sits back again.

“Do you think that that you and me would be together on that planet, too?” I ask gazing up at the stars.

“I’m sure that anywhere there’s a you and a me, we would find each other and love each other.”

“You really think that?” I ask. That is a pretty awesome thought.

“Of course I do. You and I are meant to be together.” Kurt says and squeezes my hands. “Thanks for taking me out to lunch today.”

“I should take you out on a proper date. We haven’t done that.” I say realizing we’ve been mostly hanging out in Kurt’s bedroom when we’ve been alone. Not that I don’t like being alone with Kurt in his room, but he deserves to be taken out.

“Isn’t this a date?”

“I mean like a real date, a dinner-and-a-movie kind of date. We should do that.”

“I don’t need that.” Kurt says. “I’d rather be alone with you so that I can hold you and kiss you, like this.” Kurt turns his head and his lips seek out mine.

I get what he means, but it makes me feel bad that I can’t give him a real date. That I’m too confused and too scared to not be everything he deserves to have in a boyfriend. Or at least, I have been. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past few days, and I’ve realized a few things about myself.

“I want to ask you something.” Kurt says. 

At the same time I say, “I’ve been thinking.” When I hear his words, I quickly add, “What do you want to ask?”

Kurt turns around and looks at me. “No, you go first. What have you been thinking about?”

I’ve been waiting all day to tell him this, and I really don’t want to wait any longer. “I’ve been thinking about us. About me.”

“You said you wouldn’t be doing that.” Kurt says with a wrinkle between his eyebrows.

“I know I said that, but I think it’s a good thing.”

“Okay…” Kurt says a bit warily.

“It was something Quinn said to me when we were on our way back from the hike. She said that the answers are there right in front of me, I just have to look. Or something like that. I’ve been thinking a lot about what she meant by that.”

“I’m not sure I follow…” Kurt says a little confused. He leans his head back on my chest, and I bury my nose in his hair and breathe him in.

“We were talking about us, you and me, and I told her how confused I’ve been about all of this, about myself. About who I am.”

“Mmhmm” Kurt says quietly, and I think he’s waiting for me to continue before he says anything.

“So I’ve been thinking a lot about what she said, and I have realized that it’s maybe not as complicated as I have made it up in my mind.” I take a deep breath before I continue. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly a little bit nervous about saying this out loud. “I love you. I love you with all that I have, and I know that these feelings won’t go away. I also love what we do in bed. Having sex with you was one of the best, most pleasurable, experiences in my life.” I kiss him on the top of his head, glad that he’s facing away from me so that he can’t see my blushing cheeks. “I don’t think I could feel this way about a girl. It’s never been like this with any of my girlfriends to be honest. And although being gay is not only about who you have sex with, I think that if I love you and love having sex with you, that makes me gay. I’m gay Kurt.”

It was earlier today, while I was still laying in Kurt’s bed that I allowed myself to think. I’ve known that I’ve needed to face all of my thoughts and inner demons some time, but I’ve been putting it off because it has been too hard. Because I wasn’t sure I would like what I found out. It was easier to let myself get distracted by my friends and my music. By Kurt. It was easier to not think at all. But I also knew that I needed to do this for me, for my own peace of mind. Even if I let myself get distracted, the thoughts were always there in the back of my mind, searching for attention. 

Lying in Kurt’s bed, hugging his pillow because it still smelled like him, I started to think about everything that has happened between me and Kurt since I first told him that I was in love with him. I thought about every conversation we’ve shared, every kiss, every I love yous, every touch, every intimate moment. I thought about not being with Kurt. I thought about my previous relationships. When I put all of those thoughts together, there was really only one answer.

Kurt turns around so that his chest is pressed against mine. He takes my face in his hands and gives me a deep, tongue twisting, heart racing, mind blowing kiss. “I know Blaine.”

Hearing him say that fills me with an unexpected sense of relief. He knows this is who I am. He has probably known all along. Yet he has given me space to figure it out by myself instead of telling me who I am. He has never pushed me into putting it into words or forced me to into being someone I didn’t know if I could become. On the contrary, he has told me to take all the time I need. I’ve been so scared, but he has been so confident in me. I couldn’t love him more even if I tried.

I wrap my legs around his, he looks into my eyes and the smile on his face is reflected in his eyes. “How do you feel about it?” Kurt asks.

“I’m a lot less scared than I thought I would be. I mean it’s still a little scary, but mostly I just feel at peace. Like this is who I am. This is who I’ve always been. It just took me an extra pair of eyes to see that.”

With realizing that I’m gay also came a surprisingly easy acceptance that this is in fact who I am. And that brought me an inner peace that I haven’t felt in months. It also made me question why I didn’t see it before.

“Sometimes I have been so scared that you would realize that this was all too much for you, and that you couldn’t handle it. That you would decide that it wasn’t worth it. That you would leave me...” Kurt says.

I had no idea he felt that way. I’ve been so caught up in finding my way that it has never crossed my mind that Kurt could feel insecure about my feelings for him. I would do pretty much anything for him and for him to think that I would give up on us makes me think I haven’t showed him enough what he means to me.

“You are definitely worth it, Kurt. Please don’t doubt that.” I say and kiss him. “I’ve been scared that you would get tired of me being so indecisive and leave me.”

“I could never leave you for trying to figure yourself out, Blaine. Who would I be then? I know that we are young, and that our love is young, but I feel so much for you, and though it’s probably too early to say this, I believe that you are the love of my life. I don’t see how I am going to find someone else who makes me feel the way I feel about you.”

My heart just melts into a puddle at hearing him say that, and I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am right now. “Really?” I ask, and Kurt nods and wipes away a tear from the corner of my eye with his thumb. “I feel the same way. You make me so happy, Kurt. And you are definitely worth all the worries and soul searching it has taken to get me here. You are worth it all.” 

I pull him in for another kiss, taking my time and letting my tongue explore his mouth. It has become very familiar by now, but I still love the taste of him, and the way his tongue swirls around mine, connecting us in a way I didn’t think was possible until I kissed Kurt.

“Don’t cry, baby.” Kurt says and wipes away the tears that are slowly running down my face.

“I’m just so happy. Being with you, loving you, being loved by you, and realizing who I am. It’s just a little overwhelming.”

Kurt rubs his nose against mine in an Eskimo kiss. I see it in his eyes, how happy he is right now, and I know that whatever comes next, I will get through it because of him.

“But I don’t know how to tell people about it…” Telling Kurt was easy, he already knew, but I’m still scared about how other people will react.

“Don’t worry about that.” Kurt says. “Admitting it to yourself and to me is enough for now. When you’re ready to tell people, you will know. Even after I figured out I was gay, it took me months to tell you.”

Kurt has a point, but his situation was different from mine. He didn’t have a boyfriend. He didn’t have to force the person he loves to lie to protect his secret. “But I don’t want to feel like this.” I say. “I want to show you that I’m not ashamed of us, that I’m proud of what we have.”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me. I already know these things. And if you’re doing it only to prove something, then you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons.”

“But I love you so much.” I say, not sure if he realizes just how true that actually is. I don’t want to be scared, and I don’t want to look back on this moment in my life when I’m older wondering what the hell I was doing.

“Take some time and get comfortable with this new you. The rest will happen when it happens.”

I kiss him. Maybe he’s right. He has been so far in these situations, always knowing the right things to say and do. Maybe I need some time to get used to this new version of me. I’m not sure I deserve such an amazing boyfriend when I feel like such a crappy one myself. “Just know that I’m thinking about it.”

Kurt kisses me again. “That’s more than enough for me.” He then turns around and takes one of the blankets that’s lying beside us, leans back against my chest and wraps the blanket around us. “It’s getting chilly.” He states, and I hold him close against me, placing a kiss on his cheek. 

“What was it you wanted to ask me?” I ask, remembering his question from before.

“Oh, it doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve already answered my question.” Kurt says and nuzzles in closer to me. “Your birthday is coming up next week. Any wishes for presents? Anything special you want to do?”

“I already have everything I need right here.” I say truthfully.

“Sweet answer, but you know you’re still getting a present.”

“Just keep the surprise party small.” I say. Kurt always throws me a surprise birthday party, but it’s not really a surprise anymore. It’s usually a ton of fun, but this year I want to keep it small with only our friends. I know it’s my eighteenth birthday, but I want to spend it with the people that matter most to me. The days we have left until we all leave are becoming fewer and fewer. 

“What surprise party?” Kurt asks innocently. “I’m not throwing you a birthday party.”

“Okay, you’re not.” I say and smile to myself. “But if you were to, I would like it to be only our closest friends.”

“Noted.” Kurt says. “Now, what about your present.”

“I already got my present. Having you is all I want.” I know I’m cheesy, but I don’t care one bit about it. There really isn’t anything else I want.

“Fine, I guess I’ll just have to figure something out by myself, but don’t come complaining if you don’t like it.” Kurt huffs.

“When have I ever not liked something you’ve given me?” I say and nibble at his ear. “If you have put your thought into it, I’m sure I’ll love it no matter what it is.”

“You’re not making this any easier for me you know.” Kurt says and pinches my arm under the blanket.

“Ouch.” I say and laugh. “ _Nobody said it was easy_.” I sing.

“ _No one ever said it would be this hard_.” Kurt sings back.

“You should sing more often.” I tell him. “You have a beautiful voice.”

“No I don’t. You don’t have to lie to me to get me into bed, you know. I’ll come of my own free will.” Kurt says teasingly.

“I’m not lying, you’re good. You should join me on stage on Friday.” I say seriously.

Kurt huffs. “I don’t think so, you know I’m too shy to do that. Besides people come to listen to you and Sam--not some amateur.”

“I will perform alone, Sam is grounded remember. He won’t be there the next two Fridays. So there is room on that stage for you.” I know he won’t do it, but it’s fun teasing him.

“Thanks, but no thanks.” Kurt turns and kiss me. “I’d rather sit and listen to your beautiful voice.”

“So you’re coming to see me?”

“Try to keep me away.”

“I think it will only be me and you this time.” I pull him close again. I like to have him close to me. I wish that everything in life could be as easy as sitting up here alone with my arms wrapped around him. “I have written a new song for you.”

“For me?”

“Every word in it is about you.”

“Really?” Kurt asks, and I nod. “I want to hear it. Will you sing it for me now?” 

“I want to save it for Friday; it’s better with music, snuggle bunny.”

“No.” Kurt states firmly.

“What? Snuggle bunny is cute.” I say with a small chuckle.

“Maybe it’s cute, but I still don’t like it. I can’t imagine myself answering to that name.” Kurt says and does some kind of shudder of disgust in my arms.

“You’re a hard man to please.” I say, not feeling disheartened at all. I have a plan.

“Not that hard.” Kurt says, and I can sense the warm smile spreading across his lips.

We sit in silence and look up at the stars. The only sounds that can be heard are from the cars from the street below. I want to capture this moment and always carry it with me. I will remember this night forever. I’m gay, I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. I’m finally finding my place and starting to feel at peace with my life.

“Will you take a picture of us?” I ask. “I want to remember how happy I am at this exact moment.” I want this moment captured for that future scrapbook of his.

Kurt takes out his phone and snaps a few photos of us. Shortly after he puts it away and points up to the sky. “Look a plane! Where do you think it’s going?”

“I have no clue, Kurt.” It’s my standard response to that question.

“Come on, Blaine, humor me. You know I like this game.” 

I know he does. Ever since we first met when we were ten, Kurt has had this fascination of guessing where planes he spots in the sky are going. It’s more of a way for him to dream away to exotic places he’d like to visit than actually finding out the real destination. His planes are never heading to places like Minneapolis or Austin or Pittsburgh. It’s always somewhere like London or Rio de Janeiro or Bangkok.

“I think… Cleveland.” I say, knowing it will annoy him that I’m not playing by his rules. Teasing him is always a favorite game of mine.

“Come on, Blaine! You’re no fun. You know how to play this game.” Kurt says and squeezes my arms with his hands.

“Okay,” I say and smile, “I think it’s going to the Bahamas.”

“Really?” He says sounding surprised. “Is that somewhere you’d like to go?” Normally I choose places like New York or LA and stay within the borders.

“Someday I will take you to the Bahamas.” I wrap my arms around him a little tighter. “Just you and me on a luxurious yacht sailing to the Bahamas. We’ll stay at a five star hotel with our private beach and just be us. Relaxing in the sun all day and making love under the stars all night.”

“Aww Blaine.” Kurt says. His voice sounds a little thicker than before. “You better make sure you become a big star so that we can make that trip. I’m already looking forward to it.”

I chuckle behind him. I will never earn enough money to afford a trip like that. But it’s his game, and right now I’m more than happy to play by his rules. “What about you, where do you think it’s going?” I ask.

“To Paris.” Kurt says.

“Why Paris?”

“It’s the City of Love, Blaine. Who wouldn’t want to travel to the City of Love?”

“What would we do in Paris?” I ask.

“We would go to the top of the Eiffel Tower, of course.”

“Of course.” I say and smile, imagining us looking out over Paris from the Eiffel Tower.

“We would walk hand in hand along the Seine. We would stay at a small, crappy, but romantic hotel because we have spent all of our money on plane tickets and can’t afford anything else. We would drink iced tea in the Garden of Hopeless Romantics.”

“There’s a place called the Garden of Hopeless Romantics?” I ask unbelievingly.

“Of course, there is.” Kurt says as if it’s the most obvious thing ever. “We would eat at this small hidden restaurant owned by two old married lesbians who will adore us and let us eat for free. We will come back every night even though the food isn’t really that good, but it’s free so we put up with it.”

I can’t help but chuckle again. Kurt is too adorable.

“What?” Kurt turns his face to look at me.

“I just love you so much.” I say and kiss him. 

“I love you, too.” Kurt says and bites his lip. Which of course makes him even more adorable.

I know that wherever life takes us, wherever we will end up, I will always remember this night. Remember it as being the happiest I’ve ever been. We sit in silence for a while, just stargazing and enjoying being close to each other.

“Do you think that the other you and I are sitting like this, in each other’s arms, gazing up at the sky, wondering if life can get any better?” Kurt asks.

“I know they are. Every version of you and me that exists are disgustingly happy in love.”

Kurt laughs a little in my arms. “At least this version of me is ridiculously in love with his gay boyfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted on Sunday


	27. Chapter 27

**Kurt, Friday July 15th 2012, 8.45 pm**

I am sitting in a dark corner, clinging to my diet coke, and feeling out of place all alone at the club. Blaine is of somewhere preparing for his first solo gig. I would have been nervous about being up there alone, but not Blaine, he loves every minute of it. This is what he wants to do. This is who he’s meant to be.

I want Blaine to get up on that stage soon so that I can listen to his beautiful voice and then take him home to the safety of my house. I haven’t really thought about it before, when I’ve had my friends here with me, but everyone seems so old, and it feels as if they all can tell that I’m underage. I try to remain unnoticed, hoping no one will notice the empty chairs next to mine. 

All of their performances have been done on the outdoors stage, and tonight is no different. It’s just that kind of summer. The crowd is only getting bigger and bigger, and Blaine told me that the owner, Sam’s uncle, had to start selling tickets for their performances to limit the crowd. That doesn’t seem to discourage people though because the outdoors space is packed. 

Taking another sip, I think about everything that has happened between me and Blaine in just a matter of weeks. It seems like forever ago that he admitted his feelings for me and I mine for him. So much has happened since, it’s almost impossible to comprehend. Blaine is my boyfriend. Sometimes that fact hits me so hard, like it’s too good to be true. At the beginning of this summer, I couldn’t imagine that my life would take this turn. Couldn’t imagine that Blaine was in love with me too, not even when he said he wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy. I know now how hard he’s struggled to understand what it meant, the fact that he wanted to kiss me, and it still amazes me that he found the courage to tell me how he felt when he still had so much left to figure out. I’d known for a long time that I was gay and that I was in love with him, still, I couldn’t find that same courage to tell him. I’m glad he did because the alternative is not something I want to think about. 

Blaine and I have shared so many firsts since that evening when I returned home from my date with Oliver (now I can’t even remember why I thought going on a date with someone who wasn’t Blaine was a good idea…). Through it all, we have managed to keep the promise we made to each other that day under the branches of the weeping willow - to always talk to each other. Talking to him has always been easy. He was the only one I felt confident enough in confiding in when I was younger and shyer. Sometimes it feels as if talking is all we do, besides finding new ways to pleasure each other, but I love it. Love that we can talk about everything, not only about the difficult stuff, but all the daily little stuff, too. But most of all, I love that I have found someone who loves me just as much as I love him, and whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with. It’s a crazy thought, I know. But Blaine and I have known each other for so long, and I can’t imagine him not being in my life. And if he’s in my life, I can’t imagine him not being my boyfriend.

Even if we have been friends for so many years, sometimes becoming his boyfriend feels like I’ve just met him. Every time I see him, he gets my heart racing. Every time he touches me, there are butterflies fluttering like crazy in my belly. Every kiss still tastes like heaven – although as often as possible, I try to make my kisses taste like chocolate. Seeing his eyes roll back every time he tastes chocolate on my tongue is a new favorite thing of mine. A close second is finding him waiting on the couch in our living room every time dad and I get back from work. He always wraps me up in the biggest hug, like we haven’t seen each other for weeks, and he’s no longer afraid of kissing me in front of Dad. Dad just rolls his eyes and lets us be for five minutes before he demands our presence in the kitchen to help prepare dinner.

I’ve always loved my dad, always known I was lucky to have a dad like him, but since Blaine and I became boyfriends, it’s like a whole new level of appreciation. He’s been so accepting of us, so understanding of Blaine and his struggles. He never complains about Blaine spending all of his time in our house (which isn’t so surprising considering how much he adores Blaine), and he’s never said anything about Blaine spending every night in my room. Once at breakfast, while Blaine was still asleep in my bed, I asked him if he really was okay with Blaine and I spending the nights together. I know most parents wouldn’t be. He just chuckled and said that he kept us apart during the days, he wouldn’t dare to try and keep us apart during the nights too. Then he got serious and said that he remembered what it was like being a teenager, and that he’d rather have us safe under his roof than having us sneak out somewhere to spend time together, or making us sleep in different rooms when he knew the minute he fell, asleep one would sneak into the others room anyway. This way he would save laundry he said and chuckled again (not so sure about that part, but that’s not something he needs to know). _You guys are inseparable so why even try keeping you apart_ , he said and gave me a big, warm smile.

My phone buzzes, bringing me back to the here and now. I look at the screen and see that it’s a text from Ali. We have been texting a lot since the pool party where we became sort of friends. She’s such a cool girl, very different compared to me, but I love that about her. I love how she sees things in a different way, making me look at things from a different perspective. As far as I know, she has kept her promise and not told anyone about me and Blaine. It makes me think that I can trust her even though I don’t know her very well. Somehow she makes it easy for me to open up to her and tell her things about me and Blaine, things I wouldn’t tell anyone else (not that there’s many to tell). It’s like she said, it’s good to have an outsider to talk to. I think it’s what I need – it actually makes it easier.

**Ali  
OMG, I think I just died!**

She’s a bit overdramatic, but I love that about her. She’s always completely herself. What you see is what you get, there’s no pretense or fakeness about her.

**Kurt  
What?!?**

**Ali  
Logan just asked me out!!**

Logan is a guy she’s interested in. They don’t really know each other, but they share some mutual friends. She’s been trying to get his attention for a while and it seems she has finally managed to do so.

**Kurt  
Seriously? **

**Ali  
Yes! Well, he asked if I wanted to catch a movie tomorrow. But that's a date right?**

**Kurt  
Yes, of course it is! OMG I’m so happy for you!**

**Ali  
Shit, what am I going to wear? You have to help me – you have fashions skills – I don’t.**

**Kurt  
Of course I’ll help you. Send me pictures of different outfits you consider wearing and I’ll tell you which one I think you should chose. **

**Ali  
Thank you Kurt! You’re a lifesaver. I’ll send you pictures when I get home. Gotta go, bye!**

I smile at Ali’s happiness. I hope this date works out for her. Underneath the surface, she’s such a sweetheart, and she deserves to be happy and in love. I really want to hang out with her sometime again. Since we met, I’ve been busy working though, and spending all of my free time with Blaine. Which I don’t want to trade for anything, of course, but I should make time to see her again.

“Hey, cool suspenders.”

I look up at the guy standing next to me. He’s wearing dark jeans and a ridiculously well-fitted light blue shirt with a black skinny tie hanging down his chest. He’s tall and skinny, has green eyes and light brown hair with sunglasses placed in it, and looks sort of like a meerkat. 

So much for not being noticed. But at least he’s not Oliver.

“Thanks,” I say with a forced smile. My answer is intentionally short. I don’t have any interest in starting up a conversation with someone when Blaine is about to get up on stage any minute. I return my attention to my phone, hoping he’ll catch on.

I’m wearing black, skintight jeans, a white shirt and red suspenders, accompanied by my glasses. Maybe not the best choice of outfit for someone who wants to go unnoticed, but I put this on for a reason. Blaine became speechless when I emerged from my room earlier tonight. For a moment, I thought he might skip his gig, drag me downstairs and throw me on my bed. I’m sure the thought crossed his mind, it was written in his eyes at least. I chose the outfit hoping I’d get just that reaction from him.

“They’re quite eye-catching.” The guy says and pulls one of the suspenders out before releasing it again, making it snap against my chest. 

_Who is this guy??_

“Makes me think you’re gay, no straight guy would wear something this fabulous. I’m Sebastian by the way.” The guy says and sits down on one of the empty chairs next to mine, leaning his elbows on the table.

I don’t like him. He’s too forward.

“I am gay, and I have a boyfriend,” I say hoping that by being blunt he will understand that I’m not interested in any advances. “And I don’t remember inviting you to sit down.”

“Hey relax, I’m just trying to be nice.” He turns his head in both directions and looks around us before continuing. “I don’t see any boyfriend here with you right now, so why not chat for a little while. I saw you when you walked in, and I thought, someone who dresses like that must be fun. So I told myself, Sebastian, you need to talk to this guy.”

“Maybe you didn’t hear me, Sebastian,” I say, punctuating his name. I shift in my chair, uncrossing my legs, then crossing them again. I really don’t like this guy. He’s way too cocky. “So I’m going to be very clear. I’m not interested, I have a boyfriend, and I don’t think he would like finding you here. He gets quite jealous.” I don’t know why I say that, but maybe I’m hoping he will think he’s putting me in a tricky situation, take pity and leave.

“Look, my boyfriend is working in the bar. I’m not here to hit on you. No need to be rude. I’m totally harmless.”

“Oh, I’m not scared of you,” I tell him and let out a short laugh. He brings out the feisty side of me that rarely shows. It’s just something about his appearance – the cocky, confident way he talks, the permanent smirk on his face – that makes me want to bring him down. “I’m more scared of what will happen to you when he sees you sitting here with me.”

I hope he can take a hint because I’m pretty sure Blaine won’t do a thing. Not my boyfriend Blaine. Maybe my best friend Blaine.

“I like you, you’re fun,” Sebastian says.

“I don’t like you,” I say and cross my arms in front of me. Why do I always attract guys that can’t understand that I’m not interested in talking to them?

“Even more fun,” Sebastian says. “Look, I’ll tell your boyfriend, when he gets here, that we were just talking, keeping each other company. Nothing more. What kind of boyfriend leaves you alone here anyway? You barely look twenty one.”

“I might not look twenty one,” I tell him, “but you sure as hell don’t act twenty one.” I hate that I’m letting him get to me. And I hate that I actually like to banter with him.

“Is that your best come back? You can do better than that… ehm, I didn’t get your name.”

“Kurt,” I say automatically, but the second I say it, I want to kick myself. There’s no reason to give him my name. Now that he knows it, I’m sure it will be even harder to get him to leave.

“You can do better than that, Kurt.”

“What does your boyfriend think about you walking around, chatting to strange guys?” I say and try to shift focus away from myself.

“He doesn’t mind. He talks to strange guys all the time.” He leans back in his chair, making himself comfortable. It doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere anytime soon.

“That’s his job. What’s your excuse?” 

“I’m sociable? I’m talkative? I thought you looked cool? Pick yourself. I don’t need his permission to talk to people. We have this thing called trust in our relationship. Maybe you and your boyfriend should try that.” Sebastian says, and it seems as if he has a comeback to everything I say. I hate it. And I just find him intolerable. He makes me feel even more out of place than I already did before.

“Maybe you should try something called understanding when you’re not welcome.” I don’t understand what he wants from me or why he doesn’t understand that I don’t want his company.

“Ouch.” Sebastian says and puts his hand on his heart pretending to be hurt by my words. “You hurt me. And here I was, thinking we were getting along so well.”

 _God, what’s with this guy?_ Why is he still here? Why do I keep ending up in situations like these? 

At that exact moment, Blaine walks onto the stage, and the people around me start cheering and applauding.

“I hear this guy is good.” Sebastian tells me.

“He’s the best,” I say and look at Blaine. I can’t help the smile spreading across my face. He is the best – not only when it comes to music. I catch myself smiling and quickly put it away again. I turn towards Sebastian. “I’d appreciate it if you would leave or at least keep quiet, so I can listen to him.” I say and to my surprise Sebastian remains quiet after that. Unfortunately he doesn’t leave.

I hope Blaine won’t see me sitting here with Sebastian. I know how he reacted last Friday when he caught Oliver by my side, and now there’s a total stranger sitting next to me. If Blaine really is the jealous type (which I actually don’t know if he is – maybe that was just with Oliver?), this can easily be misinterpreted as something it’s not. I don’t want him to get ideas into his head that will steal his focus from performing, making him mess up. I hope that the place I’ve chosen to sit is dark enough for him not to see me from the stage.

Blaine sits down on the stool on the center of the stage, adjusts the microphone and his guitar.

“Hello everyone. How are you tonight?” Blaine says and the crowd cheers and wolf whistles in return. “Tonight you have to put up with me being alone up here. My partner in crime and very good friend Sam is prevented from attending tonight. Well actually, he’s grounded.”

The audience laughs, and Blaine chuckles in return. “I know, the perks of being a teenager. Anyway, I’ll do my best to keep you entertained by myself. But since it’s only me tonight, I will sing some songs that I wouldn’t do if Sam were here with me. I have to take the opportunity now that I can decide completely by myself.” Blaine smiles, and strums a few chords on his guitar. “So things will be a little different tonight. Maybe I’ll even treat you to a song of my own.”

He starts off with _Kiss Me_ by Ed Sheeran, a personal favorite of ours. We have listened to it several times while cuddling in my bed this week. Goose bumps are forming on my skin, and it has nothing to do with the breeze sweeping through the open space.

_Settle down with me_  
Cover me up  
Cuddle me up 

_Lie down with me  
And hold me in your arms_

_And your heart’s against my chest, your lips pressed on my neck_  
I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet  
And with a feeling I’ll forget, I’m in love now 

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_  
You wanna be loved  
You wanna be loved  
This feels like falling in love  
Falling in love  
Falling in love 

I see him looking out at the crowd, searchingly, as he continues to sing. Searching for me. But he doesn’t see me. Now I feel bad for choosing to sit here. I want him to see me, see how proud I am of him.

I forget all about Sebastian sitting next to me, too captivated by Blaine and the words he’s singing. He continues to sing songs with similar lyrics, all love songs, all for me. He looks so happy up there on the stage. This is truly what he loves doing. I’m so happy for him that he has gotten the opportunity to perform here this summer, and that he will continue to study music in New York. I can’t wait for the rest of the world to discover him. For me, it’s not a matter of if, rather than when he will be discovered.

It’s not just me – the entire audience seems captivated by his voice. Each song is awarded with resounding applause and cheers. There’s a big smile plastered on his face throughout his entire performance. He’s relaxed and at ease and chats with the audience between songs. I don’t notice how time flies, and soon he’s about to wrap it up.

“Last week,” Blaine starts, “I sang a song that I’d written myself. Tonight I want to share another song of mine. I wrote it yesterday, and I’m a little worried that I will mess it up because it means so much to me.” He stops to take a deep breath. “Okay, so last week someone told me that I’m a beautiful mess. I’m not sure about the beautiful part, but I sure feel like a mess most of the time. Anyway, this person loves me in spite of that, or maybe because of it, and that makes me the happiest person here tonight. This song is called Beautiful Mess.”

I’m freaking out a little on my part. This is the song he mentioned. The song he wrote for me. I take my phone and snap a photo of him, wanting to have it as a memory of this night. The song starts out slow and might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.

_One day, many years from now_  
When we are losing our memories  
I’ll still remember the day I found you  
You stole my heart completely  
But it found a new home in you  
My heart belongs to you, only you 

_Sometimes love is found in_  
The most unexpected of places  
That’s how it was the day I fell for you  
I know now, there’s no turning back  
I’m the closest I’ve been to believing  
This could be love forever 

_Our love is a beautiful mess_  
It’s you and me against the world  
Our love is untouchable  
No matter what they say or do  
I don’t want nothing more  
Our love is untouchable  
I’m a beautiful mess with you 

_This love used to scare me_  
It made me question who I am  
Who I wanted to be when I’m around you  
You taught me how to love, to be brave  
I am not afraid anymore  
I am so proud to be with you 

_The whole world fades into nothing_  
When I have you in my arms  
Let’s make new memories, just me and you  
I want to hold on to you  
Never let you go, never leave  
I know now, this is love forever 

_Our love is a beautiful mess_  
It’s you and me against the world  
Our love is untouchable  
No matter what they say or do  
I don’t want nothing more  
Our love is untouchable  
I’m a beautiful mess with you 

I don’t even know what to think anymore. I’m just at awe with his song and his love for me. Our love is untouchable. No matter what anyone says or does to us, it’s him and me against the world. It’s like a confirmation that no matter what happens next – no matter what happens when we start telling people about us – we will stay strong in our love. There's nothing that can break what we have.

There’s really no way to describe how much those words mean to me. He’s giving me all the confirmation I didn’t know I needed through his song. It feels like my heart has swelled to double its normal size with all the emotions I feel for him.

“Wow, there’s some lucky girl out there.” Sebastian says next to me. I have been so captivated by Blaine that I have almost forgotten about Sebastian’s existence. “Or guy. Do you think he’s gay? He looks as if he could be gay.” Now I wish he didn’t exist, at least not this close to me.

“What’s it to you?” I ask, my voice clearly showing my annoyance with him. “I thought you already had a boyfriend.”

“Yeah, sure I do, but if I could have that, I’m pretty sure I would make a trade.” Sebastian says and looks smug with that constant smirk on his face.

I tighten my fists. I want to punch him. He’s so damn annoying, and now he wants what’s mine. And I can’t even tell him to back off because officially Blaine and I are not dating. “You’re annoying,” I say instead.

“I know, isn’t it fun?” Sebastian answers back and gives me a self-satisfied smile.

It’s frustrating, he’s frustrating. It doesn’t matter what I say, he doesn’t care. He just thinks it’s fun. I cross my arms and turn away from him. I try to ignore him, but Sebastian is not one who cares to be ignored.

“Aw, come on, Kurt, don’t be like that. I’m just messing with you. I’m harmless. I just want to have fun.”

“Yeah, well I don’t think you’re fun, and I think you should leave.”

“Hi Kurt. Who’s your friend?” I hear Blaine’s voice behind me. His voice is calm, but I can tell from the tone that he doesn’t like what he’s seeing.

“He’s not my friend, and he was just leaving,” I say and stare at Sebastian hoping he will take a hint this time and actually leave. But he’s Sebastian, so of course he doesn’t.

“No, I wasn’t. The name is Sebastian Smythe. Nice to meet you.” He reaches out his hand, and Blaine shakes it. “You have a pretty kick-ass voice.”

“Thank you,” Blaine says and sits down on the empty chair next to me. I think he’s trying not to feel flattered by Sebastian’s praise, but the way his eyes light up tells me differently.

“Kurt, why didn’t you tell me you know Blaine?” Sebastian asks.

“We’re not friends Sebastian, I don’t have to tell you anything,” I snap.

“Come on, Kurt, don’t be like that. We were having such a good time before,” Sebastian says, but I ignore him. I don’t want to talk to him anymore. “Okay, fine. Maybe Blaine here can answer my question instead.” 

“What question?” Blaine asks and looks suspiciously between the two of us.

“I asked Kurt if you had a girlfriend or if he thought maybe you were gay?”

“And I told you it’s none of your business. Why don’t you go and harass your boyfriend in the bar instead, Sebastian. You’re not welcome here.” He’s getting on my last nerves right now, and I just want him to leave, so that I can talk to Blaine alone, and tell him how much I love his new song and how much I love him.

“Actually,” Blaine starts, “Kurt is my boyfriend.” His voice is steady with no trace of hesitation or quaver.

I turn my head so fast in his direction that it might as well have snapped of my shoulders. I stare at him, wide-eyed and wonder if I really just heard what I think I heard.

“No way.” Sebastian says incredulously. “Really?”

“Yes, really.” Blaine states firmly. Proudly.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Sebastian says, and for once, something seems to have silenced him.

“You don’t have to do this,” I whisper to Blaine. I’m all giddy that he just told someone he’s my boyfriend, but at the same time, I’m worried about it being something he feels he has to do for my sake. To make me happy.

“No, Kurt, I do,” Blaine answers and looks me straight in the eyes. “It’s okay.” His eyes are bright and a smile slowly spreads across his lips. He takes my hand in his and places them on top of the table, visible for anyone to see.

“So, you’re the jealous boyfriend.” Sebastian says and smirks.

“That’s me,” Blaine says, again proudly, although he must be wondering what Sebastian is talking about.

“So you’re the guy who inspires him to write those beautiful love songs?” Sebastian says, looking at me. “You kept a lot of secrets from me, Kurt. I’m kind of disappointed in you.” 

“Whatever, Sebastian, can you just leave now.” It’s a demand not a request. I want to be alone with Blaine. There’s so much I want to say to him, words meant for his ears and his only.

“I will, but before I do, I have to tell you the real reason why I approached you.” Sebastian says and straightens up in his chair.

“You mean it wasn’t just to annoy me?” I say and roll my eyes.

“As fun at that was, no, that wasn’t the reason. You see, I was here last week, too, and I noticed Blaine talking to you after the gig. I’m actually here almost every night since my boyfriend works at the bar. Anyway, I think your boyfriend here is really talented. I approached you because I knew Blaine would show up here eventually.” Sebastian turns to Blaine and continues talking. “After hearing you perform the song you wrote last week, which I think is a great song by the way, I decided to invite some of my friends that work on a record label to come and listen to you.”

“W-what?” Blaine stammers.

“Yes, I know, I’m fabulous in that way. Anyway, I wanted them to hear you and see for themselves what a talent you are. They texted me during your performance, and they want to meet you.”

“Are you serious?” Blaine says cautiously, afraid to get his hopes up. But I see it in his eyes, the excitement and the expectation. 

“Very much so. Look, they’re sitting over there.” Sebastian turns around and waves at some guys sitting at a table some thirty feet away from ours. They appear to know Sebastian and wave back. “Will you come and meet them?”

“Ehm… I don’t know…” Blaine says and looks at me like he wants me to tell him what to do. “I don’t want to leave Kurt alone.”

“Go,” I tell him immediately. It might not lead to something, but then again it might. Of course, he should go. I can’t let him miss this opportunity.

Blaine hesitates. “Are you sure?” I know he wants to go, but I think he’s nervous about it, too.

“Yes, this is your dream Blaine. Go and talk to them. Go.”

He squeezes my hand and then stands up. “Okay.”

“Great,” Sebastian says and stands up as well. “I’m sorry if I bugged you, Kurt. It wasn’t my intention. Or maybe it was. Sometimes, I just can’t help myself.” Sebastian says and smirks. “I swear I’m a nice guy though, and I love my boyfriend very much and have no intention to trade him in for a younger version.”

I don’t know whether to hate him or love him. But if he can help Blaine get connections in the music industry, I think I can stretch myself to liking him. I see them walk of together, and I see Sebastian introduce Blaine to the guys at the table. Blaine sits down, and soon I hear loud laughters from the group.

I turn my attention to my phone and see that I have several missed texts from Ali.

**Ali  
Okay, back home now. I’m gonna go through my wardrobe and see if I have anything to wear tomorrow**

**Ali  
Outfit 1**

It’s a picture of a very short, black skirt together with a white crop top and brown leather jacket.

**Ali  
Outfit 2**

It’s a floral dress with a knitted cardigan.

**Ali  
Outfit 3**

It’s a pair of denim cut-off shorts and a flannel shirt.

**Ali  
Kurt where are you?? I need you.**

I look at the pictures again and shake my head. She really doesn’t have any fashion sense.

**Kurt  
Okay, gonna give you my honest opinion, because I know you love it when I do that. First outfit – No, just no. If you want to look like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (and I mean the hooker version) this is the way to go. That is not the way you want dress on a first date.**

**Kurt  
Outfit 2 – great if you want to look like your grandmother, but not as a first date outfit. Outfit 3 – Cool for a day of hiking, not to go on a date.**

**Ali  
Argh!! What do I wear?!?! Help me Kurt!**

**Kurt  
Take the floral dress, add the leather jacket and add those awesome brown boots that end halfway up your shins, and you’re good to go.**

**Ali  
Yes, that’s a great idea! You’re the best Kurt, what would I do without you?**

**Kurt  
Wear a hideous outfit on your date with Logan?**

**Ali  
Haha, true! Love you Kurt. We should meet someday.**

**Kurt  
Yes we should! Soon. Next week? Love you too.**

**Ali  
Definitely next week. Call me?**

**Kurt  
Ok!**

I look up from my phone and over to where Blaine is still talking to the record label people. There is a big smile on his face and I’m hoping he’s making the most of the situation – making use of the opportunity that’s been handed to him. I can’t believe that Sebastian, who doesn’t even know Blaine, would call his friends and tell them about him. I can’t believe things like this actually happen in real life. Blaine deserves it though. He’s so freaking good.

The late night air is getting chilly. I pull out a cardigan from my messenger bag and put it on. I look around at the people in the club, watch the different constellations. There are obvious groups of friends being out on a night on town, just drinking, laughing and having fun. There are couples in intimate conversations, leaning in close to hear each other over the loud music. There are people dancing a bit further away, giving themselves completely to the beats pumping out of the loudspeakers. I see the woman who hit on Blaine last week, see her glancing at the table where Blaine is sitting, but there are other men at her table tonight, so hopefully she’ll stay where she is.

After about another fifteen minutes, I see in the corner of my eye, Blaine getting up from the table he’s been sitting at and walking back me. I turn my focus to him and watch him as he approaches. The big smile is still there on his lips, making him glow.

“Sorry about this,” Blaine says as he sits down next to me, “about leaving you alone.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ve busied myself texting Ali. Now tell me what happened. What did they say?” I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.

“They like my voice, Kurt!” Blaine beams. “They like my sound. And my song!”

“Oh my God, Blaine. That’s great!” I want to hug him, but I’m not sure how comfortable he is with hugging me in public.

“It is, right?” Blaine can’t quite sit still when he speaks. There’s no mistaking how excited he is.

“Yes, it’s amazing!”

“They want to hear more of my own songs. They said they will come back here next Friday, and that they would bring some big shot from the label. Do you think it might mean something, Kurt?” Blaine asks, hope evident in his voice.

“I think so, maybe,” I say because I can’t promise him that it does. Maybe it has the potential to become something. “At least, it means that they like what they’ve heard so far. They must see something in you, otherwise, they wouldn’t be bringing someone with them next week. But no matter what, just think of it as a first step to where you want to go. First connection into the music industry. Once you have your education and are ready to actually do this, this connection might be exactly what you need.”

“You’re right. And connections are everything in this industry. Oh God, I’m so excited, Kurt!” Blaine leans in and hugs me, and I know I don’t have to worry about PDA anymore. Not here at least. He’s all bubbly, and it’s very contagious. I’m so happy for him, and I can’t stop myself from laughing at him not being able to sit still. 

“Do you have any more songs to perform though?” I ask.

“I have some old songs that could probably work, but I think I will write some new songs, too. I have the entire week to write new material, and with you as my muse,” Blaine says and brushes his thumb over my cheek, “I’m pretty sure I can write some amazing songs.”

“I’m sure you can write amazing songs without me, too,” I say, knowing he has written some really good songs before we became boyfriends.

“No, Kurt, you’re my muse. They really liked the song I performed tonight, and Close To You is what made Sebastian bring them here. Both were about you. You make it easy for me to write. All I have to do is think about you and the words come naturally.”

“I’ve told you, you don’t have to say things like these to get me into bed. I will come willingly.” I say teasingly.

“Is that so, big guy?”

“If that’s another one of your attempts for a cute nickname, the answer is no. No, no and again no.” I shake my head, there’s no way I’m letting him call me _big guy_. “I think snuggy is actually starting to grow on me.”

“I knew it would!” Blaine says triumphantly. “That’s why I’ve been suggesting all of these ridiculous names, so that you would come to love snuggy.”

“You sneaky little…” I trial off and laugh.

Blaine laughs, too. “Admit that you love it, snuggy.”

“I love you,” I say and almost kiss him but stop myself at the last second. I have to remember that we’re not alone here, and I have to let Blaine decide what he’s comfortable doing in front of other people. Just because he called me his boyfriend and hugged me, it doesn’t mean that he’s ready for more. But it's not only that. I don’t know if I’d have the confidence to kiss him here, at a club in Columbus among so many people. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but this is new for me, too.

“Are you gonna tell Sam about this? Do you think he will be upset that he missed this opportunity?” I ask instead.

“Nah, he’s not really interested in a music career. He’s just doing these gigs because he needs the money.”

“Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt you guys.” 

I look up at the blonde guy that has approached us. He’s standing behind Blaine, and I think that I recognize him as one of the guys Blaine was talking to before. He’s wearing ripped jeans, a white t-shirt and white sneakers. 

“Oh hey, no problem.” Blaine says. “Have a seat.” He gestures to the empty chair on his other side.

He turns the chair around and sits down, leaning his chest against the backrest. “I really didn’t want to interrupt anything. I just wanted to meet the guy who inspired Blaine to write such a beautiful song. I’m Jeff Sterling by the way.”

He reaches out his hand, and I shake it. “Kurt Hummel.” I look at Blaine. “You told them about me?”

“Jeff, meet my boyfriend Kurt.” 

I think I can hear a proud tone in his voice, as if he’s actually okay with admitting to others that we are boyfriends, as if it’s not scaring him anymore. 

As if he is proud to be my boyfriend.

“You’re a lucky guy to have someone who writes such songs for you,” Jeff smiles and looks at me.

“I know, I’m very lucky. I got the guy with both the looks and the voice,” I say, part joking, part serious.

“No, I’m truly the lucky one,” Blaine says and takes my hand in his. “Kurt is my everything.”

“Aww, you guys. You’re adorable. Hold on to that for as long as you can. At least as long as that keeps you writing kick-ass songs,” Jeff says, part joking, part serious.

“I’m never letting him go.” Blaine says dead serious and kisses my hand.

“You really think Blaine is that good?” I have to ask, for Blaine’s sake. I know he wants to know, but he won’t ask himself. I feel Blaine fidget with with my fingers as he waits for Jeff’s reply.

“I think he has real potential. There’s room for growth, but yes, I think he’s really talented. He has a killer voice, and his songwriting skills are impressive for someone his age. I’m not the one making any decisions though.”

“Y-you really think that?” Blaine’s fidgeting stops. He stutters, as if he can’t really believe what Jeff just said.

“Yes, and if you’re going to make it in this industry, you’re gonna have to grow some confidence. Just a piece of advice,” Jeff says.

“Okay, yes,” Blaine says and nods.

“Okay, I’m not gonna disturb you guys anymore,” Jeff gets up from his chair. “Nice to meet you Kurt. See you next Friday, Blaine. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” And then he’s gone just as quickly as he appeared.

Blaine watches him as he leaves. “He thinks I have potential Kurt!” Blaine squeals quietly as he turns back to me. “He thinks I’m talented! I can’t believe it.”

“Believe it, you are, baby.” I say and squeeze both of his hands with mine..

Blaine leans in and whispers into my ear. “Let’s get out of here. Those suspenders and your glasses are driving me crazy.”

“Yeah?” I say and give him a sinful smile.

“Yes,” Blaine whispers, “and tonight I want you to top.”

My breath catches in my throat for a second. “Are you sure?” I ask. Blaine has been reluctant to let me top before. But with the new Blaine I’ve seen tonight, a confident and not-ashamed-of-who-he-is Blaine, it seems as if all of his concerns and worries are gone.

“Yes, I want to feel you inside me. I want to know what that’s like,” Blaine whispers close to my ear. His breath tickles the skin on my cheek, making me shiver. “I want to give myself to you completely.”

I stand up instantly. “Let’s go.” Why sit here and waste time? I take his hand, pull him up from the chair and practically drag him out to his car. Although in reality, it’s not that much dragging. He seems quite eager to get out of here too.

“That song, _Beautiful Mess_ ,” I say once we are in the car, “it was truly beautiful. Do you really feel that way?”

“You must already know that that’s how I feel, or else I’m a crappy boyfriend.”

“Yeah, but still, hearing you sing it like that in front of everyone, it just makes it feel bigger somehow. And you called me your boyfriend. Twice.”

“I know,” Blaine’s entire face lights up. “It just felt right saying it. And it felt good saying it, too. Tonight, I could just be myself around those people, and they didn’t even care, didn’t even react when I said it. It was so exhilarating.”

I take his hand in mine and squeeze it firmly. “I’m proud of you, baby, both for writing that amazing song and for being yourself tonight. You keep taking my breath away when you do things like that.” Blaine squeezes my hand back, and the big smile is still there. “Does that mean that you are ready to tell your mom and our friends?”

“I think so, maybe…” The smile falters slightly, his gaze flickering, his voice becoming small.

“It’s okay if you’re not, Blaine.” He’s not all the way there, and even though some parts of me wished that he were, it’s okay. Baby steps, that’s how we need to do this. “I understand that it’s one thing saying it to complete strangers and entirely different saying it to people that have known you your entire life.”

“I’m trying, Kurt…”

“I know you are,” I say and run a hand through his hair. I place a curl behind his ear and lean over the center console to kiss his cheek. Being this close to him, I can see that his eyes are watering. “Hey, don’t worry about it. What you did tonight was a huge step, and you should be proud of yourself for that. Just keep taking one step at the time, and when you are ready, I’ll be right here by your side.”

I didn’t think we’d be at this place this soon. I didn’t think he would come out until we were living in New York (if at all), away from all of this. When it was just him and me. I thought that would be easier for him. But he’s here already, and I am truly happy about it. I can’t wait to tell our friends and stop with all the sneaking around and the lying. But it feels as if I have gained months, and there's no hurry to take that final step and come out to them. I’m just happy he is finally starting to feel comfortable with himself.

“I love you so much, Kurt,” Blaine says and turns his head slightly so that our lips can meet in a quick kiss.

“I love you, too.”

“Can we talk about something that will make me laugh instead?” Blaine asks and tries to smile, but the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I know that this is bothering him, that he’s not entirely there, that he’s still scared of people’s reactions when he tells them. 

I think about what he said before, about wanting me to top and suddenly a two-hour drive home feels excruciating. I try to keep my hands to myself to not distract Blaine from driving, but it’s really hard. I try talking about my day at the shop, about Blaine’s upcoming birthday, about anything really, both to keep myself distracted and to keep Blaine from thinking too much about him coming out to friends and family. But two hours is a long time to wait when all I want to do is get naked with Blaine. 

After one hour I’m becoming more and more impatient. “Remember that time when you made it back to Lima in one hour because you couldn’t wait to talk to me?” I ask.

“Because I couldn’t wait to tell you I was in love with you. Because I was desperate to find out if I had blown all of my chances by not telling you how I felt before you went on that stupid date. Yes, I remember. Why?”

“I’m feeling kinda desperate now,” I say. “Any chance you could drive like that again?”

Blaine’s eyes are focused on the road, but I see him gripping the steering wheel tighter, and I feel the car picking up in speed. He passes car after car as we fly down the highway. I really hope there are no cops out there tonight. I don’t want to get pulled over and have this ride home take longer than needed.

Fortunately, luck is on our side and before I know it, Blaine parks his car next to mine in our driveway. When we’re out of the car, he takes my hand in his, and we run to the basement door, both eager to get inside.

Once inside, we kick off our shoes, and Blaine pulls me by the suspenders over to the bed. “You look so fucking hot in these. I’ve been wanting to do this since I first saw you tonight,” Blaine says and runs his fingers along my suspenders before he slides them off my shoulders and leaves them hanging by my sides. He pulls out the shirt from my pants and sneaks his hands under it. He trails his fingers along my stomach and up my chest, my nipples becoming instantly hard as he brushes over them.

I run my fingers through his curls and pull his face close to kiss him. His lips part as soon as they are in contact with mine, and his tongue hungrily sneaks into my mouth. I’ll never grow tired of kissing him like this – kisses full of lust and desire. Kisses full of the taste of heaven. I slide my hands down his neck and back, feeling every muscle on the way, until I reach his firm ass and squeeze it. This ass that I’m about to conquer. I’m excited and slightly nervous at the same time, worried that I may hurt him because I know what the first time felt like. But I’m also desperately eager to find out what it’s like to be inside him.

The room is almost completely dark, the only light is coming from the moon shining in from the windows above my bed. I gently push him down on the bed, lay myself on top of him and continue to kiss him – his hands now finding my ass and pushing me down against him, my erection pressed against his. I love it when our erections connect this way, but more so when there aren’t any clothes between us.

I sit up, straddling him, and pull up his shirt to expose his tanned chest. Blaine pulls it up over his head and throws it on the floor. With a featherlight touch, I trace patterns across his chest and abdomen with my fingertips. Blaine closes his eyes, and I can see him tremble as my fingers move over his skin. I bend down and place my lips on the now fading mark I once left on his neck. I lick the spot before I start sucking on it to renew it. Blaine tilts his head and mumbles something I can’t hear.

I then use my tongue instead of my fingertips to explore his body and lick my way down from his neck to his chest. I circle my tongue around one nipple, then flick it over the hard nub until I hear soft moans escaping Blaine. I move over to the other nipple and give it the same treatment. Blaine grabs the sheets in his hands and pushes his hips up towards me. I know he loves this, the teasing, but I also know he needs more. And he will get it, eventually. Tonight is all about him, and I’m going to give him everything he wants. 

I continue to lick my way down to his stomach, leaving a wet trail that quickly cools making goosebumps on his skin. I dip my tongue into his belly button and swirl it around until Blaine starts breathing heavily. I move my hands to his hips and pull down his pants, leaving his underwear still on. Blaine kicks off his pants, and I move my hand back to his underwear. I trace my fingers around the outline of his hard cock, never touching it, teasing him, making him writhe beneath me.

I sit back and let my lips find the inside of his thigh. Placing several small kisses first on one thigh and then the other, I then let my tongue trace down to the crease of his thigh. I am well aware of the whimpers coming from Blaine, but he’s patient, not begging me to touch him or hurry up, just letting me decide the pace.

Deciding that’s enough teasing, I place my hand on his cock and start stroking him through his underwear.

“ _Finally_.” Blaine mumbles quietly, and I chuckle to myself. I do love seeing him like this, all desperate for my touch.

“I can do you one better,” I say and pull off his underwear, freeing his cock. I lick my lips at the sight in front of me. His cock is hard and ready, standing out from his body, and I can’t wait to taste him. I lick along the vein on the underside of his cock, making Blaine moan even more, before running my tongue along his slit, tasting the pre-cum forming there. Tasting his cum makes me want to suck him hard and fast until he comes in my mouth, so that I can have more of that taste. But this night is not about quick releases. Instead, I swirl my tongue around the head before lowering my mouth down on him, sucking him hard but slow.

“ _Shit Kurt…_ God, you’re _so good_ at that.”

I take him deep, feeling the tip of his cock hit the back of my throat. Moving my head up and down, I continue to suck him hard, my actions making his knuckles turn white as he grabs onto the sheets even harder. I love having him in my mouth, feeling his cock against my tongue. Love tasting him.

“ _Oh God… yes… fuck…_ ”

More pre-cum spills out of him into my mouth as I suck a few more times before I pull off, not wanting to let myself get carried away. Blaine whines as my mouth leaves him, so I take him in my hand and continue to stroke him. I have other plans. I’ve been wanting to try this. I’ve been thinking about it before, but never been brave enough to actually do it. But now I’m finally going to do it. Tonight it feels as if we can do anything – that anything is possible. I’m going to give him so much pleasure, in as many ways as I can.

I let go of his cock and part his legs by pushing on his knees. My fingers are allowed to trail down his thighs until they reach his cheeks. I part them and look down at my target. I move my thumb across his hole, caressing it. It looks delicious, and I can’t hold back anymore. I bend down and flick my tongue across it.

“Shit Kurt!” Blaine says, his entire body tensing. “What are you… _oh God, that’s good_.”

I do it again, and again, and I feel his body relaxing as I lick his hole up and down. I love the sounds he’s making. It turns me on to no end, and my cock is now achingly hard in my pants. Licking him turns me on even more. I can tell Blaine is going crazy from the way my tongue is exploring him. He’s struggling to hold his body still, but it’s having a life of its own. 

I push my tongue past the tight muscle and into him.

“ _Fuck!_ ” Blaine cries out. “ _Kurt… oh my god… what… oh… don’t stop…_ ” His voice turns from one of raw pleasure to one of soft desire when he almost whispers don’t stop.

I have no intention of stopping. I take his cock in my hand and stroke him as I continue to dip my tongue inside him. I push it deeper and deeper until I can’t anymore. His hole is tight, and it’s a delirious feeling having my tongue inside him like this. Blaine is whining out in pleasure as I swirl my tongue in and out of him, his body writhing against the bed.

“ _Fuck, Kurt, that feels so good_ ,” Blaine gasps. “ _Oh God! Shit... I’m gonna come_.”

I stroke him a little faster and soon he spills his cum over his stomach in wave after wave. His breathing is heavy as his body stills.

“Oh God, Kurt…” Blaine says and covers his face with his hands, wanting to escape my gaze. “I didn’t mean for that to happen...” 

“I did.” I say and sit up.

“But that went embarrassingly fast… And I-I wanted you to fuck me.”

“And I’m still going to.” I say and trail my fingers down his thigh, brushing them over his entrance, teasing a little bit.

Blaine peeks out from his hands. “Oh… God, you’re just… That was… wow. Your tongue… just magic.” I smile at him and chuckle at his inability to form proper sentences. I know I would react the same if he did that to me.

Blaine sits up on the bed, too. “You’re not even close to being naked. Let me help you with that.”

We’re both standing on our knees on my bed. Me fully clothed, Blaine completely naked. He unbuttons my shirt, but before he throws it away, I take it from him. I clean up his cum-covered stomach with it, and then I throw it on the floor. 

Blaine smiles at me. “Always the gentleman,” he says and then kisses me.

He gently pulls me down on top of him and then flips us around so that my back is resting against the bed. He kisses me and at the same time his fingers are working on the button on my jeans. Finally managing to open it, he unzips my pants and begins to pull them off. 

“How do you manage to get out of these?” Blaine asks when he can’t pull them farther down the halfway down my thighs. I know they’re tight. That’s sort of the point. Over time, I have developed my own technique of getting in and out of them. I sit up, wriggle out of them, and then lie back down again. 

“You’re so beautiful. Your body is just perfect,” Blaine says when he’s sitting by my feet, looking up at me. I feel myself blush a little, and I bite my lip. My body is never something I’ve been proud of, but Blaine makes me feel comfortable with it.

“I love you,” I tell him.

Blaine kisses his way up my legs. I close my eyes and just revel in the sensation of his lips on my skin. I feel him tug at my underwear, and I lift my hips an inch or two from the bed so that he can slide them off. Not seeing or knowing what he’s doing next is thrilling, and it makes me even harder than I was before. I feel pre-cum dripping from my cock as he takes it in his hand. He starts to stroke me, and I don’t even care about the sounds I’m making. I love it when he touches me, love how he makes me feel. Like I’m the only person that exists in his world, like all he wants to do is make me feel good. And God, does it feel good. He leans down and captures my lips in a long kiss.

Then I remember that he wanted me to top. That this night was supposed to be about him. How could I forget that? I flip us around so that he’s on his back again.

“How do you want to this?” I ask. 

“Just like this, so that I can see you when you push into me,” Blaine answers.

“Okay,” I reach over to my nightstand and take out the lube and a condom. “You have to tell me if you want me to stop, or if it hurts.”

“I will, I promise.” Blaine says. “Just get started.”

“Eager much?”

“I just really want to do this.” Blaine answers with a small chuckle. “I really want to feel you inside me.”

Hearing those words makes my cock twitch with anticipation. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to top until he told me he wanted me to. I open the bottle of lube and pour some of its contents onto my hand. I put away the bottle and coat my fingers with the lube. Blaine spreads his legs and exposes his hole to me. Remembering what I did before and how much Blaine liked it, I run my tongue across his hole a few times, enjoying the sounds Blaine makes, before I gently push my finger against it.

Blaine gasps as I push my finger inside. He clenches around my fingertip, but then he relaxes, and I slowly push my finger the entire way in. I retract it and push it back in again. He hums appreciatively as I repeat the motion, his hard cock bobbing against his stomach.

When I can’t stretch him more with one finger, I add another one and gently push them inside him. I move them, to keep stretching him, preparing him for my cock, and as I push them even farther in, I grace over that magical spot.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Blaine moans. “ _Right there, Kurt…_ ”

I bend down and kiss the tip of his cock, licking around the head and tasting his pre-cum. I keep brushing over that spot as I stretch him. All the stimuli makes Blaine trash beneath me, clutching the sheets, moving his head from side to side.

“Just do it,” Blaine says. “Just fuck me.”

“You’re not ready yet,” I say.

“Yes, I am. I can’t get any more ready than this.”

“I need to stretch you more, trust me, baby. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Just hurry up then. I want you inside me, Kurt. Like yesterday.”

I add a third finger and work him open even more. I’m so turned on by watching my fingers slide in and out of his hole, knowing that soon my cock will take their place.

“I don’t know if I can hold back if you keep doing that, Kurt. I don’t want to come until I have you inside me,” Blaine says and closes his eyes. “Oh God, I can’t believe I’m this close already…”

“Okay,” I tell him and pull out my fingers. I take the condom that I placed on my nightstand. Feeling his eyes on me, I rip the package open and put on the condom. Taking the lube again, I coat my cock. I then place myself between Blaine’s legs. 

I look up at him. “Tell me if I need to stop or if I’m going too fast.”

“Yeah, yeah, just do it, Kurt. I’m dying here.”

I line myself up against his hole and slowly start pushing my cock against it. I look at Blaine the entire time to make sure he’s okay. My intrusion makes him whine a little, and I know the pain he’s feeling. But I also know how good it will feel in just a little bit.

“I think you need to stop for a moment,” Blaine says as the head of my cock pushes past the first barrier.

I stop immediately. “Try to relax, baby. I know it hurts, but it will soon feel better.”

“Fuck. I didn’t expect it to hurt like this,” He closes his eyes and tries to relax. “Does it hurt like this when I’m inside you, too?”

“Only in the beginning, and the first time was the worst,” I say and rub my fingers soothingly over his inner thighs.

“Okay, I think you can move again,” Blaine says after a few moments, “but please go slow.”

“Open your eyes, baby. You said you wanted to see when I push into you – this is it.” I say and push forward as slowly as I can, sliding my cock farther and farther inside of him. Blaine opens his eyes and looks straight into mine. I expected him to want to look at the action happening down there, but his eyes are fully focused on mine.

“ _Shit, you’re tight, baby_ ,” I say looking back at him. “ _You feel soo good..._ ” I’ve been so worried about hurting him that I haven’t really thought about how this makes me feel, how fucking amazing it feels to have his tight ass clench around my cock. My heart is beating so fast right now like I can’t believe I’m actually doing this.

When I’m fully inside him, I stop and give Blaine a chance to get used to the feeling. “How does it feel?” I ask, still worried about the pain I might be causing him. I lean down to give him a kiss.

“It’s different… I don’t know… I feel full?” Blaine says trying to find the right words. “Shit, you're big, Kurt. But I like it.” Blaine’s eyes are still on mine, our faces close together. A smile spreads across his face as his hands sneak into my hair, and he pulls me in for a kiss. “If you want to you can start to move.”

I give him another kiss, before I sit back. I slowly pull out and carefully push back in again. I repeat my motions – still worried that he’s in pain, and I don’t want to make it worse.

“ _Fuck…_ ” Blaine moans, and I can tell from the look on his face now that most of the pain is gone and replaced with a new sensation.

I push his legs up towards his chest and pull out and push in a little faster than before, thrusting in deeper. I do it again and again, moving faster and faster each time. He really is so fucking tight, and Blaine was absolutely right when he said this was the most amazing feeling. It’s not even possible to compare this with all the blowjobs and hand jobs he’s been giving me before this. The tightness, the heat, feeling him all around me – it’s the kind of pleasure I didn’t know I was capable of feeling.

“ _Shit Blaine…_ ” I moan. “ _This is… oh God… so good._ ”

“ _Fuck, yes!_ ” Blaine cries out, and I think I might have hit his prostate. His fingernails dig into my shoulders as he clutches onto me. I repeat what I just did, and Blaine keeps repeating “ _yes, yes, oh god yes… right there... faster Kurt. More._ ”

I pick up my pace and thrust into him over and over again, hitting his prostate each time, making him moan and call out in pleasure. I do the same. God, this feels so good. I don’t think I’ve ever been this hard, and this turned on. Blaine’s hands are everywhere – scratching my back, tugging my hair, clutching the sheets – like he can’t control what they’re doing. Like it’s impossible for him to keep them still. Much like the rest of his body, which is trashing under me.

I feel the familiar clench in my stomach as my impending release is approaching fast. It’s too soon. I don’t want this to be over already, but there’s no way to prevent it. Instead of slowing down, I go faster, pushing deeper, hitting his prostate with each thrust.

“ _Fuck, Kurt!... ah… oh God… yes… just...fuck… don’t stop… just…_ “ Blaine rambles on incoherently.

“Touch yourself, baby,” I say to Blaine. I don’t want to ruin this by coming too soon.

“I’m close. I will come if I touch myself.”

“I’m close, too. I need you to come before I do.”

Blaine whimpers and takes his cock in his hand and starts pumping himself while I continue to thrust into him, trying to fight back my own orgasm while still pushing all the right buttons for Blaine.

“ _You feel so good inside me… shit… I don’t want this to end, but… oh fuck!... I’m gonna come._ ”

After just a few strokes, Blaine’s cock spurts pearly, white streams of cum up his chest. He continues to stroke his cock as he keeps coming and coming. The sight of cum shooting out of Blaine over and over again is all it takes for me to let go and spill my own cum into his ass in the orgasm of my life.

I lean my head against Blaine’s shoulder and let myself fall down on top of him, not caring about the mess on his chest. For a few moments, I’m speechless. My mind is dizzy, and all I can do is breathe. As my cock softens, I carefully slide it out and throw away the condom in the nearby trash can.

“How do you feel?” I ask Blaine and tilt my head up so that my lips can meet his.

“I wonder why we haven’t done this before,” Blaine says with a wide smile. “I wonder what I was afraid of. This, what we just did… I want to do it again.”

“Okay, your body is probably going to need a few days to recover from that-“

Blaine cuts me off before I can finish what I wanted to say. “A few days?? I don’t want to wait for days before we do that again. That felt fucking great, Kurt. I mean, I like it the other way as well, but this… this was just wow.” Blaine is ecstatic to say the least. “Did you like it? Please tell me you liked it?”

I chuckle and brush my thumb over the worried wrinkle between his eyes. “I also like what we’ve been doing so far, but this, being inside you... Just feeling you all around me, watching you trash beneath me because of what I was doing to you, being in control… Yes, I liked it. I loved it.”

“I like it when you are in control. I turns me on when you take charge like that.” Blaine says and runs a hand through my hair.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. You have no idea what you’re doing to me most of the time. You bring out all the good in me.”

Even if I don’t say anything, I think I have a pretty good idea of what he’s feeling because he does exactly the same to me.

“You make me feel things I thought weren’t possible for me,” Blaine continues. “You make me want to do things I never thought I wanted. You made me realize who I am. Even before we became boyfriends, I was struggling with understanding myself. With you, it all makes sense. You make me a better person, Kurt. And when you make me feel the way you just did, it’s just… mind-blowing.”

I don’t know how to answer that, but my heart is sure doing a funny thing in my chest. I lean in and kiss him. A deep kiss that I hope displays everything I feel for him. When we break the kiss, I tell him, “you make you a better person, too, Blaine.”

He smiles at me. “No, I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around.”

We both laugh, and as I slide down to lie next to him on the bed, I cringe at the sticky mess between us. “Shower, then sleep?”

“Only if you shower with me.”

I take his hand and drag him up from my bed. We walk hand in hand to my bathroom and into the shower. We wash each other’s bodies, letting our hands roam freely, and by the time we are finished, I’m semi hard again. I’m too tired to do anything about it though. I’ve been up early to go to work and help my dad, and it’s just been a really long day. Blaine comments on that I look tired, and all I can do is nod. He grabs a towel and dries my wet body, quickly dries his own as well, and then leads me back to bed. He cuddles up behind me, wraps his arms around my chest and holds me tight. Tonight I feel like spooning him though, so I turn around so that we are lying face to face.

“It really doesn’t make any sense that you’re always the big spoon. I’m older and taller than you. I should be the big spoon.”

Blaine huffs. “You’re not that much older. Or taller for that matter.”

“Just turn around, baby, and let me hold you.”

Blaine kisses me before he turns around and snuggles in close to me, pressing his back against my chest. He pulls my arm around his waist, lacing our fingers together and holds me tight. “Only because I like it when you get all bossy, snuggy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this story, and of the song in this chapter, was actually inspired by an actual song called _Beautiful Mess_. If you live in Europe you might have heard about it, if you live somewhere else the chances are perhaps slim that you have. The "real" _Beautiful Mess_ was the runner up in last years edition of Eurovision Song Contest (Google can help you learn more about ESC if you're curious). It's a _really_ (in my opinion) good song sung by the Bulgarian artist Kristian Kostov. The chorus of my song is pretty much a rip off of the chorus of that song. If you have three minutes to spare that you don't know what to do with you can find the song on iTunes or Spotify (and probably other streaming services as well).
> 
> So what do you think about Blaine starting to tell people that Kurt is his boyfriend? Too soon? Or, it was about freaking time?


	28. Chapter 28

**Blaine, Monday July 18th 2012, 7.04 pm**

”I know you guys probably want to sneak down to Kurt’s room, but first I have two things I want to talk to you about.” Burt gets up from the dinner table and starts clearing the dishes.

I’ve been spending the entire weekend with Kurt and Burt, pretty much ignoring our friends. I’ve talked to Sam once to tell him about what happened on Friday, but other than that, I have ignored texts and phone calls. Being here with these two is where I’ve needed to be. Here I can be myself, and I don’t have to pretend that I’m someone else. I really thought I was going to be okay with telling everyone about me and Kurt, and sometimes I really think that I am. But at other times, I realize that I’m not, that I just want to hide away here forever.

Kurt has been very sweet and patient towards me these past few days. He knows what I’m going through. It’s not that we have talked a lot about it, he just knows. He knows that I’ve needed time to think - time alone with him, time with Burt to just talk about everyday life - and he has given me that. If I believed in a God, I would be thanking him right now for sending Kurt my way. But I don’t. I just believe that it’s faith that we met when we were ten, had eight years to get to know each other and build this strong friendship. A friendship that then evolved into this rare and beautiful thing that we have now. Maybe they’ve been there all along, my feelings for him. Maybe in some way, I’ve always felt this pull towards him, maybe that’s why I approached him that first day after I transferred schools. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. He was so shy, yet I felt drawn to him, and there was something about him that made me want to protect him. I saw how everyone ignored him, and I couldn’t understand why. When we were alone, he was the funniest, kindest, most caring person I’d met. Maybe it started already back then. I needed someone like him in my life. He always hugged me when I cried because of my mother and the way she always chose her men over me. He always knew the right things to say to make me feel better, he still does, and he just knew when I needed someone or when I needed space. 

Sometimes I feel like I haven’t been the best friend I could have been to him though. I’ve been distracted by girlfriends, social statuses and keeping up the appearance that everything is just normal in my life. I should have been more attentive at times. Maybe then I would have seen the struggles he went through when he realized he was gay. It pains me that I didn't see that something was going on with him. It must have been obvious that something was different, that he was changing. I’ve told Kurt this, but he told me not to blame myself because he did his best to act normal around me. He didn’t want me to know he had feelings for me. He didn’t want it to become something that got between us and messed with our friendship. In hindsight, that was not something he needed to worry about.

We’ve been helping Burt in the garden during the days this weekend, and during the nights, we’ve crawled up in bed together were we have been talking and making love and then some more talking. Talking about New York, about all the things we’re going to experience once we move there – all we want to do, all we want to see. Talking about all the packing we need to do, what to bring, what to leave behind. Talking about the things we will miss. Talking about Burt. I know Kurt worries about leaving him behind, worries about him being lonely in this big house. I just know I’m going to miss the hell out of him. He’s my dad, too, and we’ve kind of adopted each other.

I love my little talks with Kurt, love snuggling up next to him with my legs tangled around his, my head fitting just right in the crook of his neck, my fingertips tracing the skin of his body. Love how relaxed Kurt is, how he paints a beautiful future for us with his words, how he makes me feel that as long as we have each other, there’s nothing we can’t do. It’s all there, within reach, I just have to take the final step and claim it.

Kurt wouldn’t go near my ass the day after he first topped. No matter how much I tried to convince him that I was okay, that I wasn’t hurt, that I wanted him to be inside me again, he refused. He said he knew that I was sore no matter how much I tried to tell him that I wasn’t. Instead I convinced him to ride me, that way he would still be the one in control. I don’t really understand way I like it so much, it’s just drives me crazy when he is. Maybe it’s because I have to be in control in so many other aspects of my life, but with Kurt, I don’t have to. This morning, however, I managed to convince him that I was ready for him. Feeling him inside me like that, I can’t find the words to describe what it does to me. 

Today I spent the day with my guitar, writing songs. Or at least started on several songs. I have so many words and feelings that I need to get out of me, but sometimes it’s hard to write them down on a piece of paper. I managed pretty well though, have almost one song finished and started on at least two more that could turn into something good.

Kurt didn’t mind me spending the day with my guitar. He said he had made plans with Tina to go shopping and later on to meet up with Ali. I don’t really get their friendship, but it’s cool. She knows about us but has promised not to tell anyone, and so far, I think she has kept that promise. For that reason alone, I like her even though I don’t know her.

Kurt has been sending me cute texts throughout the day letting me know what he’s doing, wondering how I’m doing, letting me know that he loves me. I’ve missed him. So yes, I do want to sneak down to Kurt’s room and be alone with him, but Burt is important to me, too, so I don’t object when he wants to keep us up here for a little while longer.

We help with the dishes and then end up in the living room. Kurt and I cuddle up next to each other on the couch, my back against his chest, while Burt remains by the doorframe.

“Stay here. I’m just gonna go get something,” Burt says and leaves first after we promise not to go anywhere.

“Do you know what this is all about?” I turn my head to ask Kurt.

“I have no idea,” Kurt says while looking away from me and trying to hide a smile. It makes me think that he does know.

“Come on tell me.”

“What? I have no idea what’s going on.”

I give him a look that says that I know he knows, but he just raises his hands and shrugs. Before I can dwell on it, Burt returns. I expected him to return with something, but he returns empty handed. He remains by the doorway.

“Okay, so Blaine, your birthday is tomorrow, and since I know you two lazy birds won’t be up when I leave for work tomorrow, and you probably have plans for tomorrow night, I want to give you your present now,” Burt says.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Burt. You’re practically letting me live here, that’s more than enough.”

“Oh shut it, Blaine, you know I always get you something. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Besides you’re turning eighteen, and you’ll soon be moving away from me and start what I know will be a promising career. So as a help to get you started, I got you something.” Burt walks back into the hall and returns seconds later with a guitar case. He holds it up towards me. “Happy birthday, Blaine!”

I’m stunned. That can’t be a new guitar. It looks like it, but it can’t be. It’s too much.

“Are you gonna come and get it or what?” Burt asks.

“Burt… you can’t…” I start.

“Yes, I can,” Burt states.

“Go on Blaine,” Kurt shoves me lightly up from the couch.

I walk over to Burt and take the outstretched guitar case. I place it on the coffee table and kneel beside it. I open the clasps one by one and then slowly open the top of the case. And there it is – a beautiful new electric-acoustic Ibanez guitar. I pick it up and hold it in my hands.

“It’s beautiful, Burt. But it’s too much.”

“No, it’s not. You’re like my son, Blaine, and you make me and Kurt very happy. Nothing that I give you could ever be too much.”

I then realize that the color of the guitar matches the color of the guitar pick Burt gave me for graduation. I put the guitar down in the case, shove my hand in my back pocket and pull out the guitar pick. “They match,” I say stunned.

“I know. I got them at the same time so that they would.” 

I get up from the floor, practically run over to Burt and throw myself in his arms. “Thank you! This is the best birthday present.”

“You haven’t seen mine yet.” Kurt huffs from the couch.

“Whatever it is, it’s not gonna top this one.” Burt quickly replies and thrusts out his chest, proud of himself for giving me this great gift.

I let go of Burt and look at him. “I love it. Thank you.” I walk back to the couch, pick up the guitar and start strumming it. I already love how it feels in my hands.

“So what’s the second thing you wanted to tell us?” Kurt asks after a while.

Burt draws in a long breath and walks over to sit down on the armchair. He looks nervous – more nervous than I have seen him in a long time. I put away my guitar, sensing that this will require my full attention.

“Okay…” Burt starts. “So here’s the deal…” But he doesn’t continue.

“What is it, Dad? Did something happen? Are you okay?” I hear the worried tone in Kurt’s voice.

“Yes, yes, I’m okay, everything is okay,” Burt says.

“What is it then?” Kurt asks, still worried.

“For the past couple of months I’ve been seeing someone,” Burt says, still looking slightly nervous.

“What do you mean? A doctor?” Kurt asks, but I’m sensing it’s not a doctor.

“No, Kurt, not a doctor. A woman. I’ve been dating someone,” Burt says.

“Dating?” Kurt says, his mouth dropping. “How…? When…? Who…?” Kurt appears to be lost for words.

“That’s great, Burt,” I tell him. “Who is she?”

“Her name is Carole. She’s a few years younger than me, but she’s sweet, and I think I really like her. We’ve been seeing each other for about three months, and I think it might turn into something serious.”

“Three months?!” Kurt says. “When did this happen? Why haven’t I known this was happening?”

“Well, you have been pretty busy with graduating high school, and then there’s the guy sitting next to you. It’s not like I’ve seen either of you much these past weeks. I know you sleep in my house, but other than that, I don’t know where you guys are.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kurt asks. “We have been working together every day for the past two weeks.”

“I wanted to make sure it was serious before I mentioned it. We’ve been alone you and I, Kurt, for so long, and I didn’t want to bring anyone new into our lives if I wasn’t sure it would become something. I didn’t know how you’d react...”

“I’m happy for you, Dad! Oh my God, this is so exciting!” Kurt claps his hands and bounces on the couch.

“Really?” Burt asks as if he doesn’t quite believe Kurt is taking the news so well. “You’re not upset?”

“No, why would I be upset? I want you to be happy, Dad,” Kurt jumps of the couch and hugs his dad. “When can I meet her? Carole was it?”

Burt nods. “I was thinking I could invite her over on Friday. We can cook her dinner. You’re also welcome Blaine.”

“I can’t on Friday,” Kurt says and sits down again. “Blaine is performing on Friday, and it’s an important gig for him. People from the record label are coming to listen to him.” 

“I’ve actually already invited Carole...” Burt says.

“It’s okay, Kurt, you don’t have to come,” I say. 

“But I want to.”

“I know, but my mom is actually taking some time off to come and listen to me, so you don’t have to feel that you need to be there for me,” I say smiling at the feeling I got yesterday when she told me during our Sunday night dinner that she wanted to come and hear me sing.

“She is?” Kurt asks in surprise, and I nod. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why is everyone keeping secrets?”

“I didn’t keep it a secret,” I say and smile at the cute pout on his lips. “I just forgot when I returned here yesterday. I got kind of distracted…” I take his hand in mine and stroke my thumb across his knuckles. It had been quite a sight I walked in on.

Burt clears his throat from the other side of the room, and I feel myself blush. How could I forget he was standing there?

“Are you sure it’s okay if I don’t come? You know I really want to,” Kurt says and saves the situation from becoming awkward.

“I know, but really, it’s okay. You should stay here and meet Carole. You’ve heard me sing a thousand times before, but this is your first chance to meet her.”

“Okay, I guess I’m meeting Carole on Friday then,” Kurt says and turns to his dad. “I’m actually excited about it, Dad.”

“Me too,” Burt says and smiles again as the nervousness has disappeared. 

We stay there and watch TV together. There’s an MLB game on between the Cincinnati Reds and Minnesota Twins that Burt and I are both interested in. Kurt curls up to next to me on the couch, not really paying attention to what’s on TV. I can soon hear his light snores. The past couple of weeks have been rough on him working all day and me being here each night wanting to spend as much time with him as possible. Resulting in him not getting enough sleep. 

When Burt calls it a night at around ten, I let Kurt continue to sleep and find a movie to watch. It’s not a particularly good movie, but I don’t have it in me to move yet. He looks peaceful, and I don’t want to wake him up. Besides, I kind of love having him sleeping in my arms. I let him sleep until the movie ends. I stroke his arm with my fingers, enjoying the feeling of his smooth skin under my touch. A little disoriented, he looks around the room until he realizes that he is lying half on top of me. When he sees me, he breaks into a huge smile. That smile always makes my heart melt and all my concerns disappear.

“Hi, sleeping beauty.”

“Hi,” Kurt says and yawns. “I thought we were done with finding me nicknames.” His smile turns into a cute little smirk. “How long have I been sleeping?”

“Not that long.”

Kurt looks at his watch and then he looks back up at me. “Liar.” I only smile in return. “Sorry for passing out like that.”

“Don’t worry about it, you needed it,” I tell him and ruffle his hair.

“Hey, don't do that,” Kurt says and pulls away my hand. “What do you say about moving downstairs instead?”

“Sounds good. I’m quite tired,” I say as I yawn and stretch my arms above my head.

Kurt gets up from the couch and extends a hand to help me up. I take it, and when we’re both standing, he leans in and gives me a kiss. Without letting go of my hand, he then takes me to his room.

“Come here,” Kurt says and sits me down on the bed next to him. He looks at his watch but stays silent. I’m about to say something, but he holds up his index finger to quiet me. After a few seconds, he lowers his hand, turns his face towards me and gives me the brightest smile. “Happy birthday, baby.”

“Aww, snuggy, thank you.” I say and see Kurt roll his eyes at that name.

“I have something for you,” Kurt gets up from the bed, walks the few steps to his nightstand and opens the drawer.

“Shouldn’t I be lying down for this?” I ask and smirk.

“Oh, shut up, it’s not that,” Kurt reaches down the drawer and pulls out a small box with a bow on it. My mind starts spinning. The box looks suspiciously like a small jewelry box. I don’t know what it contains but I can guess. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. 

He holds out the box to me.

“W-what’s this Kurt?” I ask him holding my breath, my voice probably letting on my wariness.

Kurt lowers his hand and looks at me. “Okay, so I know that it looks like an engagement ring box, but it’s not. So you can start breathing again. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I don’t think we’re ready for that.”

“Okay,” I say and let out my breath.

“Here, open it,” Kurt says and holds out the box for me again. I can hear the excitement in his voice. 

I take the box from him, and he sits down next to me. I slowly open the box, unsure what to find in there. When I remove the top, I find a gold-plated key. It makes me a little confused. And curious. What does this key open? I look up at him, unsure how to react.

“This is the key to my room in New York,” Kurt says.

“You’ve already got the key to your dorm room?” I ask in confusion. How did he get that?

“Okay, so it’s not actually the real key to my room, it’s more of a symbolic key. But when I get the real keys, you will get a copy. At the time when we decided not to live together when we move to New York, it seemed like a good idea, but now I think it kind of sucks. I would love to live with you, but with this key, I want you to know that wherever I live, it’s your home, too, and I want you to come and go just as if it were.”

“Aww, Kurt…” it’s all I manage to say because I’m so moved by this gesture. It’s so simple yet so profound. I can’t stop looking at the golden key in the box. Even though it’s not the real key to his room, I already love it and want to carry it with me everywhere.

“Do you like it?” An uncertain Kurt asks.

“I love it! Thank you,” I lean over and kiss him. “This means so much to me, you have no idea. I wished we had figured us out before, so we could have searched for a place to live together because I don’t want to spend a day without you.”

“Baby…” Kurt says, and I can see that he is moved by my words. “I guess we could look for a place together when we get there.”

“Yes, let’s do that!” The thought of living together really excites me. I don’t know why because we’re practically living together already. “I need to get a chain, so that I can wear the key around my neck. I want to have it with me all the time.”

“Well, actually,” Kurt says and smiles, “I got you a leather necklace in case you wanted to do just that, since it actually doesn’t open anything.”

“You did?”

Kurt reaches over to the night stand and pulls out a black leather necklace. He takes the key from the box and threads it on the necklace. He tells me to turn around and then places the necklace around my neck. The key lands on my chest. I stroke the key with my hand and then lift it up to look at it. “I got you a little longer necklace in case you wanted to hide the key under a t-shirt. I mean, if you want to wear it but not want people to see it.”

“It’s perfect, I love it. And I love you.”

I kiss him again, a slow, deep, tongue-rolling kiss.

“I love you, too, birthday boy,” Kurt says, and we lie down on the bed. I lie on my back, and Kurt turns over to his side, rests his head in his hand and looks at me. “How was your day today? I feel like I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to you at all, besides a few texts.” 

“It’s been okay, I guess. I managed to get a good start on a few songs. But I’ve missed you, like crazy much. Is that crazy? Have you turned me into a softy?”

Kurt laughs a little. He takes one of my curls and runs it between his fingers before he puts it behind my ear. “You know, I had a great time with Tina and then with Ali, but I kept thinking about how much I wanted to have you by my side. So I guess that makes me a softy, too.”

“I just never want to be without you,” I say and draw him in for a kiss. When we break the kiss, I look him into his eyes. “Never.” Lying here next to him, I can’t picture my life without him – I don’t want to picture my life without him, and I don’t think that I need to either. My future is looking so bright right now, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. I’m in a good place with my mom, I have an amazing boyfriend, we’re moving to New York in three weeks, starting our lives together. It’s almost too good to be true. I keep waiting for something bad to happen because life can’t be this good. But it doesn’t feel like anything can throw me off course. 

“I’m always gonna be by your side,” Kurt says and kisses me. “You’re not getting rid of me,” he adds teasingly. He rolls over so that he’s lying on top of me. “As it is your birthday, I’ll let you decide how you want to do this.”

“Do what?” I ask trying to play clueless.

Kurt thrusts his groin against mine. “This,” he says with a smile.

“Oh, you mean this,” I say and push back up at him. “You know how I like it, snuggy, just like this with you on top of me.”

Kurt kisses me once, twice, and then sits up, his crotch against mine, and starts running his fingers along my arms. “I like it when you wear these tight tank tops.” His fingers move over to my shoulders and then trail down to my chest. “They’re tight enough so that I can picture what’s underneath but not tight enough to make me want to rip it off the moment I see you.”

I smile at him and make a mental note to go shopping for tighter tank tops. I want to experience the day when Kurt rips off my clothes just because the sight of them drives him crazy, because he wants to have me naked.

“I like that I can see your pecs-“

I can’t help but laugh “I don’t have pecs.”

“Yes, you do. Shush now, I’m trying to set a tone here, so don’t laugh, or I won’t give you what you want.”

I know he’s only joking, but I do keep quiet from here on because I don’t want to risk anything, and I want to see where he’s taking this. Also I’m sensing this is payback from last week when we were interrupted. 

“Good boy,” Kurt says when I refrain from saying anything else. “I like how it clings to your stomach, how when you stretch your arms, it raises from above your waist so that I can see the smooth skin of your stomach.” Kurt’s fingers find their way down my stomach and under my tank top. The tank top rides up as his fingers trail up my stomach. 

“I like how it makes me want to do this.” Kurt bends down and licks his way from my lower ribs, to my bellybutton and down to where my shorts begin. I shudder at the sensation of his tongue against my skin. Kurt unbuttons my shorts and starts sucking at the sensitive skin he just revealed. It makes my dick come alive. Having Kurt’s mouth this close to my dick always has that effect. 

“Oh, you like this?” Kurt says smugly when he sees my reaction.

“You know I do,” I say in a shaky voice as he traces his hand down my hardening cock.

“Is this for me, baby?” Kurt asks innocently.

“No, it’s for the guy down the block,” I say and roll my eyes.

“Oh, you mean the burly Mr. Henderson. I better leave it alone then,” Kurt says pretending not to hear the irony and removes his hand and rolls off me.

“Don’t you dare, Kurt,” I growl and pull him back up on me. “It’s my birthday, remember.”

“True. So, do you want me to continue?”

“Yes, please. I want some part of you near my dick all night.”

“Your wish is my command, baby,” Kurt says and grabs my cock with a firm hand. He starts stroking me above my boxers. “Like this?”

“Yes,” I moan, “exactly like that.” I grab his ass and try to squeeze one hand inside his jeans. It’s a fruitless attempt. Why does he insist on wearing these skintight jeans all the time? Not only don’t I understand how he gets into them, but I also don’t understand how I’m supposed to get into them. And I really want to get into his pants tonight.

“You know what,” Kurt says. “I think we’re wearing too many clothes.”

It’s like he’s reading my mind. Without saying anything, we both get up from the bed. Soon our clothes are laying on the floor, and we’re standing across the bed in just our underwear. Kurt’s wearing a pair of tight, white boxers that clearly shows off his growing erection. Without even thinking about it, I trace my tongue across my lips. Kurt’s biting his lower lip in a way that makes me incredibly turned on. The moonlight shines in through the window, falling on Kurt, making his blue eyes sparkle and accentuating the highlights in his hair.

“You look like a mythical creature tonight, you’re so incredibly sexy,” I say to him, and I see a slight blush creeping up on his cheeks.

“Come here,” Kurt says and gets up on the bed. I sit down on my knees across from him on the bed. He takes my right hand and places it on his forehead. He slowly moves my hand down, so that it’s tracing down his nose, his mouth, his jaw, his neck, his chest, his stomach, his erection until it lands on his thighs. “This is all yours. If I’m sexy, it’s only because you make me feel sexy, because you make me feel loved.” He leans in and kisses me, and I capture his face with my left hand, cupping his cheek, deepening the kiss. 

“>em>When we’re close like this, I get mesmerized. When you kiss my lips, I get hypnotized,” Kurt sings. It’s the lyrics from my song, and I shiver when I hear him sing them because I realize that the words are true for both of us.

“ _Our love is a beautiful mess, it’s you and me against the world. Our love is untouchable._ ” I sing back to him.

“You make me feel like I’m the only one. The only one that matters to you.” Kurt says. “You always have. Ever since that day in fifth grade when I traded you my chocolate chip cookies. You’ve always taken care of me. You’ve helped me grow into the person that I am today, and that I get to have you like this… it blows my mind.”

My heart does that weird double flip that it has done a lot lately when I’m around Kurt. There are no words to describe how much I love him, how much I can’t be without him. He’s my air, without him I can’t live. I feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes, but I do my best to fight them off. “I love you. Make love to me.”

From that moment on, we both stay quiet. Kurt takes my hands in his and intertwines our fingers. We kiss for a long time, and slowly we shift, so that we are lying next to each other on the bed, chest to chest, thigh to thigh, with our erections aligned next to each other. As our hands let go to explore each other’s bodies, our legs intertwine instead. 

Kurt starts to kiss his way down along my jawline, down my neck until his lips find the spot on my neck were he loves to suck and leave a beautiful mark. His mouth worships the spot for a while before he continues to kiss his way down my body. He sucks on my nipples, making me moan loudly, licks my belly button and kisses the skin just above the waistband of my boxers. My cock twitches with anticipation with Kurt’s mouth being so close.

Slowly Kurt pulls down my boxers and continues to kiss his way down. He places a kiss on the top of the head and then lick his way down until he reaches my balls. He takes one in his mouth and sucks on it, making me moan with pleasure. Letting go of my ball, he continues to trail his tongue down to my entrance. I shudder when it runs over my hole the first time. He does it again and again. I try to lie still and just embrace the feeling, but he’s making it hard, and I desperately want to push my ass closer to him, needing him to push into me. I tell myself to be patient and just let Kurt set the pace, to just relax and enjoy everything Kurt is doing to me.

He takes my leaking cock in his hand and starts to slowly stroke me at the same time that his tongue finally pushes through the first barrier. I relax and spread my legs, loving the feeling of anything of Kurt’s inside me. His tongue keeps licking and penetrating in the most delicious way, and I find myself moaning and writhing with pleasure.

He stops and crawls back up to place a soft kiss on my lips. He reaches over to the nightstand, the drawer still open from before and pulls out lube and a condom.

“Turn around baby.” He whispers close to my ear, and I comply instantly.

He moves back down between my legs, pulls my hips up so that I’m resting on my knees and chest, leaving my ass on full display for him. I can’t see him now, can only feel what he is doing to me, and somehow, that makes it even more sensual.

He places a kiss on each cheek, before he separates them, and I feel his tongue on my entrance again, licking and pushing. I hear him opening the lube bottle, and soon his tongue is replaced with a slick finger. Without much warning, he pushes it deep inside me. I let out a sound that is a mix of deep pleasure and slight pain. He moves his finger in and out of me, and soon he adds a second finger. There is a slight burn as he pushes in with two fingers, but it’s soon gone and from there it’s all pleasure.

He twists and spreads his fingers to prepare me for what’s coming. He pushes his finger as far in as he can, tracing his fingertips against the walls until he finds that one spot. I shout fuck into the pillow as he trails his finger over that spot again and again. My cock is in desperate need of some attention, but I leave it alone, not wanting this moment to be over already. 

Just when I think I’m about to come anyway, Kurt pulls out his fingers and adds a third one. With three fingers, he doesn’t reach as far in, but it’s needed for the stretch. I push my ass back against him, wanting to have as much of him inside me as possible, showing him that I can take more.

He pushes and stretches until my muscles have relaxed around his fingers. That’s when he pulls out, and I hear the familiar sound of a condom wrapper being opened. I wait for a few seconds, and then I feel the tip of his dick sliding up and down my entrance. Then he stills, and I feel how he’s dick is gently pushed against it. 

Kurt grabs my hips, and I try to relax, but there’s still a burn when he pushes into me. Kurt was right though, it gets better each time we have sex, and it’s nowhere near as bad as the first time. Kurt goes slowly, pausing occasionally to give me time to adjust, until he bottoms out. I feel full, and I love it. I love having his dick inside me.

He pulls out and pushes into me again, in a slow, agonizing pace. I push back when he moves back in, so that his dick slams harder into me, giving him the sign that he can move faster. Kurt picks up his speed, and soon he’s moving in and out of me in a much more delightful speed. When he picks up the pace, the tip of his dick hits my prostate, and I moan loudly every time.

Kurt leans over me, and I tilt my head so that our lips meet in a kiss. He rests his chest on my back as he keeps pushing into me. Every glorious thrust driving me closer. I break the kiss to let out a string of moans of pleasure. I’m sure there are other words leaving my mouth as well, but I can’t recollect what they are – I’m too far gone in this insane pleasure Kurt is bringing me.

Kurt takes my dick in his hand and starts to stroke me at the same pace as he is pushing into me. The pleasure is too much, the repeated stimulation of my prostate in combination with his hand job soon has me spilling cum all over the covers. I don’t think I’ve ever come this hard – it’s like there is no end of cum spurting out of me.

Kurt lets go of my softening dick and grabs my hips as he pushes hard into me a few more times until I hear him moan and feel his dick twitch inside me, as his orgasm hits him. He collapses on top of me, sweaty and panting. I drop to the bed, stretching out my legs, not caring about the wet mess underneath me. Kurt just lies there, catching his breath, coming down from his high. I can feel him slowly slip out of me as his erection goes down.

“I’m glad you’re not worrying about my dad hearing us anymore,” Kurt whispers in my ear and I can hear the smug smile in his voice.

I laugh a little at his remark. “I hope he’s a sound sleeper. I don’t understand how every time we have sex it just gets better and better. You know just all the right spots, when to hold back and when to let go. You’re some kind of sex god. I can’t help it if I’m loud when you do that to me.”

Kurt laughs. “Sex God. I should add that to my resume. _Kurt Hummel, Sex God_. I’m sure that would get me into all the right places in New York.”

“Well, it’s the truth. If it was up to me, we would stay down here and just do this all the time. Who needs to interact with the rest of the world when you can have sex instead?”

“How would we survive though? Wouldn’t we starve?”

“No, we wouldn’t, we would eat ass and cum.”

Kurt laughs so hard that he rolls of me. He lands next to me, turning his head so that he’s facing me. “You’re crazy.”

“And also full of good ideas. Just imagine what that would be like. Just you and me pleasuring each other all the time, no interruptions, no need to write songs, no need to start packing for our move. No need to do anything, but just focus on new ways to bring each other to orgasm,” I say in a dreamy voice. I mean, what could be better than that?

“Okay…” Kurt rolls his eyes as though I have totally lost it. “As tempting as that sounds, we need to get cleaned up. You have a big day coming up, and you need to get some rest because I have an awesome day planned out for you.”

“You do?” I say surprised. “But you already given me the best birthday gift. And the best birthday sex.”

“It’s your birthday, Blaine, of course, I have. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I hadn’t planned the most spectacular day for you?” Kurt smiles and kisses me on my nose.

“What are we doing?”

Kurt huffs. “Like I’m telling you that. It’s a surprise, you have to wait and see.” I pout but Kurt only laughs and kisses my pouting lips. “Come on, let’s shower and change these sheets so that we can go to sleep.”

Kurt gets up from the bed, taking care of the condom that’s still hanging on his dick. I sit up and look down on the sticky mess on my chest. A shower sounds like a good idea. We shower together, taking turns in washing each other. I like this part of our post-sex routine almost as much as the sex itself. We’re both so relaxed, and Kurt always comes up behind me and hugs me. He holds me tight, his arms wrapped around my chest, and rests his head in the crook of my neck. I squeeze his arms and tilt my head to rest on top of his. We stand like that and let the hot water splash down on us.

I change to sheets when Kurt spends an extra ten minutes in the bathroom doing his nighttime skin care routine. When he gets back from the bathroom, there are fresh sheets and a naked me on his bed. He curls in next to me so that we are facing each other.

“Thank you for an amazing start to my birthday,” I say and kiss him.

Kurt runs his finger through my damp hair. “Do you think life can get any better than this? Because I honestly don’t.”

“No, life is pretty good.” I’m too tired to argue or point out that there are some things that I can change to make our lives perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, this wouldn't be nearly as enjoyable for you to read without all the help I'm getting from roxymusicandlayers. Thank you for always making me smile :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Kurt, Tuesday July 19th 2012, 9.53 am**

Being woken up by rays of sun warming my face is almost as enjoyable as being woken up by Blaine’s kisses. I lie on my stomach with my face turned towards the window and let the sun wash over me for a few moments while my mind and body wake up.

With my eyes still closed, I reach out a hand to trace it over Blaine’s back, but my hand is not met by soft skin, rather it falls down on an empty bed. I turn my head to look, hoping that he’s only rolled over to the other side of the bed while sleeping, but Blaine isn’t there. It’s strange because I’m normally the one who wakes up first. I feel a little disappointed. I had this great plan of how I would wake him with a good-morning-birthday-boy-blowjob, but now he’s gone.

I look around my room and see Blaine sitting on the couch with his new guitar, wearing only a pair of boxers and the key-necklace. I smile at the vision in front of me, my beautiful boyfriend doing what he loves doing, what he’s going to spend the rest of his life doing hopefully. Maybe not in my bedroom, but on bigger stages.

I can tell he’s trying to figure out the melody to a new song, repeating the same phrase until the music is just right. He scribbles down the notes on a piece of paper in front of him, then leaves the pen on the paper as he moves on to the next line. He’s lost in his music, unaware that I’m watching him, caught up in perfecting another great song. I sit up in the bed, resting my back against the headboard. I love seeing him like this, and I almost don’t want to disturb him. But, I’m also slightly selfish sometimes. 

“Sounds like you’ve got a really good song on the way.”

“Oh, hi, I didn’t know you were awake,” Blaine looks up, startled by my voice. “I just had this melody in my head that would work so well for this song, and I guess I just got caught up in the music. I hope I didn’t wake you.” He stands up and leaves the guitar on the couch as he walks over and sits down on the bed. “I wanted to be here next to you when you woke up.”

“Well, I wanted to wake you up with a BJ, so I guess we both failed,” I tell him and let out a small laugh.

Blaine smiles in return. “That would have been a good way to wake up.”

I lean in close to him, reach out my hands to cup his face and pull him in closer to kiss him. The kiss soon becomes heated, and I pull Blaine down on the bed on top of me with just the thin covers between us. I wrap my legs around his to hold him near. “Happy birthday,” I whisper when we break the kiss.

“Thank you,” Blaine answers slightly out of breath after the kiss.

“So, what do you want to do today?”

“I thought you had this whole day planned out,” Blaine answers with an excited smile.

“I do, but there’s room in there for special wishes,” I answer and grind my hip against his.

“In that case,” Blaine says and grinds back, “I would like to ride you.”

“That’s more of a gift to me,” I answer and tighten my grip around his legs. The idea of Blaine riding me really excites me, but this is his day, and I think I should do the work while he enjoys being taken care off.

“Trust me, it will definitely be a gift for me.” There’s a mischievous grin on his face and a sparkle in his eyes.

And really, who am I to deny him his birthday wish?

I lean up to capture his lips in a new kiss, letting my tongue slip by his lips, finding his, initiating the sweet dance that they’re used to by now. It’s funny how something simple as a kiss from Blaine – a tongue-twisting, slow moving, breathtaking kiss, but still just a kiss – has my whole body reacting. My skin is tingling, my heartbeat is increasing, my breathing is becoming erratic, and my middle region is coming alive. 

Blaine pulls away the covers, and I’m instantly reminded that I fell asleep naked last night and there is now nothing hiding my growing erection. Blaine just smiles when he sees my reaction to our kiss. He quickly peels off his own underwear, so that we’re both naked. When he lowers himself down over my body, our cocks touch. I will always love the sensation this brings me, and I can’t help the moan that slips out over my lips at this amazing feeling. Blaine smiles and nibbles at my lower lip.

“You like this?” He asks and starts moving his hips up and down so that our cocks rub against each other.

“Mmm, you know I do.”

Blaine reaches over to the nightstand and pulls out lube and a condom. “Work your magic, snuggy.” He says with a sparkle in his eyes and hands me the lube.

I flip us over so that he is lying on his back. I pour some lube on my fingers and rub them against his puckering hole. I slowly push one finger inside. It’s surprisingly little resistance, but then again it wasn’t that long ago I did this the last time. I quickly add another finger and push them as far in as I can. I angle them slightly and soon find the perfect spot that makes Blaine writhe on the bed and emit beautiful sounds.

“I’m ready, Kurt,” Blaine breathes out between moans.

“But I’ve only added two fingers…”

“It’s enough, I’m telling you, Kurt, Oh!” Blaine says when I swipe my fingers over that spot again. “You better stop doing that, or I’ll come here and now.”

With a wicked smile, I lean up and take one of his nipples in my mouth. I bite down on it gently, sucking it into my mouth and flicking it with my tongue, while at the same time rubbing over that spot again. Blaine’s fingers tug at my hair as he lets out a gasp.

“ _Kurt_ ,” Blaine pleads in sweet agony. ”It’s my birthday, remember? My special wish. Please, don’t make me beg.” 

I let go of his nipple and pull out my fingers. I lean in and kiss him. “I remember.”

Blaine kisses me back and before I know it, I’m on my back with Blaine stradling my legs. My cock is standing right out from my body, ready for the action to come. He rips open the condom wrapper and slowly – agonizingly slowly – threads it on my cock. I’m more than ready to be inside Blaine, but suddenly Blaine doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to slide down on me, and he’s taking his sweet time lubing me up. 

After what seems like an eternity of him stroking me, and me moaning like a crazy person, he finally stands up on his knees and moves forward until my cock is aligned with his hole. Slowly, while holding my cock in place, he sinks down on me. In one motion, without stopping, he sinks all the way down.

“ _Shit, Kurt, that’s good_ ,” Blaine says in a voice filled with pleasure. I can only agree. Being inside him is sort of the best feeling in the world. When Blaine starts moving his hips up and down, it’s first in a slow pace, which is kind of like sweet torture for me. I close my eyes and feel him clench around my cock, feel his tight walls all around me, feel myself grow from the feeling. The slow pace is agonizing in the best kind of way, but I’m also desperate for him to go faster. Like he can read my mind, he soon increases his speed. His hands are on my chest, nails digging into my skin, and the sounds coming from him are ones I’ve never heard him utter before. I can only assume that this position is hitting all the right places for him. 

When his moves begin to become irregular, I start thrusting my hips up to meet his. Blaine leans down and rests his hands on my chest as I pump into him, picking up my pace and pushing into him hard.

“ _Fuck!_ ” Blaine cries out as his orgasm hits him out of nowhere, and his cock spurts out pearly, white strings of cum decorating my stomach. I’m amazed because I didn’t even touch him. I’ve never experienced an orgasm where my cock wasn’t stimulated in some way, and now I can’t take my eyes away from his. Blaine keeps making those beautiful sounds he always makes when he comes, and his cum keeps spilling out of him. Seeing him like this, so totally lost in his own orgasm, brings me so much closer to my own. I thrust up a few more times, then I’m as gone as Blaine. I close my eyes and let myself get lost in the moment.

When our breathing is coming back to normal, I open my eyes again and look at Blaine. I’m met with a big smile as Blaine leans down to kiss me. “That,” Blaine says, “that was the best birthday sex I’ve ever had. I mean, _Kurt..._ ”

I can’t help but chuckle a little at his words, because, one, I think it’s the only birthday sex he’s ever had. And two, he looks freaking adorable, all dumbfounded and blissed out.

“What?” Blaine asks.

“You’re so cute when you’re in your post-orgasm state,” I chuckle “but I’m glad we could start your birthday this way.”

“The best way,” Blaine says. “What’s next?”

“Eager are we?” I say and chuckle some more. Blaine beams down on me, just like a kid on Christmas morning. “Okay, shower first, then breakfast, and then we can start your birthday celebration.”

“Start? Didn’t we just do that? Or was this not part of my ‘ _birthday celebration_ ’, because I thought this was a perfect way to celebrate.”

I laugh again at my sweet, goofy boyfriend. He’s happy and carefree today, and I love it. I hope we can keep that feeling throughout the day.

After a quick shower, we head upstairs, and I start preparing breakfast. Blaine offers to help, but I won’t let him. I place him on a chair by the table with today’s newspaper, while I start making lemon poppy seed pancakes (his favorite) and chocolate chip cupcakes (also his favorite). When I’m in the middle of turning over a pancake, I can feel Blaine’s arms sneaking in around my stomach.

“This smells delicious,” Blaine whispers into my ear and kisses my neck. “You smell delicious. Am I gonna have to eat you, or is the food ready soon?” He bites playfully on my neck, which tickles my skin. “Are you ticklish here?” Blaine asks when I start to squirm and try to pull away. “How come I didn’t know this before?” He continues to nibble the skin on my neck.

“Stop it, Blaine,” I giggle, but Blaine just keeps going. I try to push him away, but he doesn't stop. “Do you want pancakes or not?” I threaten, and he lets my go of my neck immediately. “I thought so,” I say and look at the oven timer. “Five more minutes and the cupcakes will be ready, do you think you can wait that long?”

“Hmm, don’t know…” Blaine ponders playfully. “I might have to eat you anyway.” He starts to nibble at my neck again.

“ _Blaine_ ,” I tell him warningly, raising the spatula, but he only continues. “Hey let me be, I don’t want to burn the pancakes.”

“Okay, okay,” Blaine says, letting go of my neck and raising his hands. “I’ll play nicely and go back to the boring newspaper.” I have my back against him, but I can hear the pout on his lips.

“It’s five minutes, Blaine,” I say and roll my eyes. “Patience is a virtue.”

“Did Burt taught you that? Because that expression sucks.”

I flip the pancakes, and then turn around. “Actually, I believe you taught me that. Remember that time when we were fifteen, and my beard hadn’t started growing yet?”

Blaine’s face lights up at the memory. “Yeah, and you were moping, telling me you couldn’t wait to start shaving like everyone else, that you felt like a kid with your baby-smooth skin. You were kind of cute back then.”

“As opposed to now?”

“Now you’re gorgeous,” Blaine says in a dreamy tone, “but thinking back, I can’t understand how I didn’t figure out that I love you so much sooner.”

“I think we figured it out just at the right time. Had it been sooner, I don’t think any of us would have been ready for that.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I guess everything happens at a certain moment in time for a reason. If I’d realized when I was fifteen that I was in love with you, I would probably have freaked out even more.”

I turn off the stove and move the pan away from the burner. I walk over to where he is sitting and wrap my arms around his neck. “I’m glad you’re not freaked out anymore.”

“Only because I have the best boyfriend,” Blaine says and places his hands on my arms. ”I’m the luckiest guy in the world,” he adds seriously.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I kiss his cheek and just when I do, the oven timer chimes. “And now your breakfast is ready.”

I take out the cupcakes from the oven, put them on a plate together with the pancakes. It’s not the healthiest breakfast, but it’s Blaine’s birthday, and these are his favorites, so who cares? If my man is happy, that’s all that matters. I put the plate down in front of him, walk over to the pantry to get the maple syrup, walk back and sit down across from him. Blaine has already loaded a big pile of pancakes on his plate and added two cupcakes. I can’t help but stare at him as he takes the maple syrup from my hand and pours it over his pancakes. When he sets it down on the table, he looks at me.

“What? I’m hungry. Waking up and having amazing sex with you does that to me.” He cuts a big chunk of pancake and shoves it into his mouth.

“I can tell,” I chuckle, take one pancake and place it on my own plate.

“ _Oh my god Kurt!_ ” Blaine moans, just as he did forty five minutes ago down in my bed. “These are amazing!” He shoves another big chunk into his mouth. “You should seriously start a pancake place or something. I mean, wow!”

I smile at his enthusiasm, happy that he is happy. 

While we finish our breakfast, Blaine tries to get me to tell him what we’re doing, but I’m not letting anything slip past my lips. My plans for today are simple, but I think this is exactly the kind of day he wants. I’m taking him to the farmers’ market to let him choose whatever he wants for a birthday picnic. Just he and I doing something together outside of the house. Also I need to keep him away from the house this afternoon. Our friends are coming over to prepare his ‘surprise’ birthday party. I generously (not at all selfishly) offered to keep him busy while they get the barbeque ready. Normally, I would like to be in charge of the preparations to make sure that nothing gets broken and that everything is where it’s supposed to be. But not this year. This year I’d rather spend the day alone with Blaine, just him and me, because I know that tonight we’ll have to go back to being just friends again. Besides, I was in charge yesterday. I told Blaine I was going shopping with Tina, but in reality we were planning this party. I don’t like lying, but at least now, I have someone in charge whom I trust not to ruin my house.

After the farmers’ market, I’m taking him to Indian Lake, a forty-minute drive from here. We once found a secluded glade with an amazing view of the lake when we were hiking there in high school. And although I’m not the fondest of spending a day in nature, I know Blaine likes it, and I thought it’d be nice to go back there. To just enjoy the sun and relax together. I have packed a blanket, water and sunscreen, the rest we will get at the farmers’ market.

We’re soon ready to get going, and I get in behind the wheel of my car. When we’re getting closer to the farmers’ market, I tell Blaine about my plans for the day. Seeing the way his face lights up, makes me think this was just the right thing to do today. Actually doing something together out among other people – something that doesn’t include my house, or my bed – isn’t something that we’ve done since becoming boyfriends. I think Blaine is as excited as me about this.

Downtown Lima’s farmers’ market is a big deal. There are lots of vendors, and the place is usually packed with people. It’s only open on Tuesdays, so I’m lucky that Blaine’s birthday is on a Tuesday this year. We walk up and down the rows and look at the items. I let Blaine pick anything he wants, and we end up with bread, cheese, ham, biscotti, homemade jam, strawberries, carrots, homemade soap (don’t ask me why), lemonade, and apple pie. 

Blaine is so happy and carefree. He talks to all the vendors, even the ones we’re not buying anything from, and I can’t help but smile at him. He’s really enjoying this. Once he even kissed me on the cheek. I don’t think he realized what he was doing, or where we were, until after he did it, and then he tensed a little. He looked around to see if anyone saw him doing that, but when no one seemed to pay us any attention, he relaxed again.

When we have everything we need, we head back to the car and start the drive to Indian Lake. Blaine’s bubbly mood continues in the car, and he excitedly points out things from the car like we’ve never driven down this road before. It’s contagious, his mood, and I find myself driving while constantly laughing at the silly things he says.

When we get to the lake, it’s another twenty-minute walk to get to the special place I've picked out for us. There aren’t many people out by the lake today, and as the glade is difficult to find, we have the place to ourselves. Blaine carries the picnic basket with all of our newly purchased goodies, while I carry the blanket. 

The glade is not visible from the nearest path, you have to walk another fifty feet into what seems to be a forest to get there. I don’t know how we found it, but I guess with friends like Sam and Puck it shouldn’t be a surprise that we did. Once you enter the glade, there’s a small patch of grass that’s surrounded by trees and bushes on the side nearest to the path. Beyond the grass, there’s sand, and then there’s the lake. The lake is big, but right here, there’s a small bay making this place even more secluded.

I spread out the blanket on the grass, and we sit down next to each other. Blaine leans in to kiss me, and I run my fingers through his curls as he does. It’s a habit that I’ve acquired since we started dating. His hair is always so soft, and I love the feeling of it against my fingers. I also love playing with his curls, twisting them around my fingers, and pulling them out only to see them curl back when I let go.

“This place is really beautiful. Thanks for taking me here,” Blaine says when he pulls away from me.

“I figured we could spend the day here without anyone interrupting us, just you and me.”

Blaine smiles. “Sounds like a perfect day to me. So, are we eating any of the things we brought?”

“No, they’re just props,” I say and nudge him playfully. Blaine pouts, and I give him another kiss, which makes him smile again. I reach for the picnic basket and start to unpack the things we bought. We feast on everything, but save the strawberries for later.

“God, I’m so stuffed,” Blaine says after we’ve eaten almost all the food. “How much food did we buy?”

“Probably enough to feed a large family,” I say, equally stuffed, and lie down next to him, on his outstretched arm. “Why did you pick out so many things?”

“Everything looked so delicious, I just couldn’t help myself.” Blaine says and pulls me a little closer.

We lie there, looking up at the blue sky, letting the warm rays of sunlight hit our faces. The only sound heard is the faint sound of water clucking against the shoreline and the birds circling above us. It’s a perfect day for a picnic, a perfect day to spend in the arms of the one you love. Blaine tugs me closer until we’re both on our sides, facing each other. We spend a long time just kissing and looking into each other’s eyes. Tracing fingertips on faces and arms, not really talking with words, but finding other ways to convey our feelings.

I remember that I brought sunscreen and get an idea.

“We should probably put on sunscreen so that we don’t get burned,” I say, “and you probably need to take off your tank top so that I can rub it on your back as well.”

Blaine smirks, knowing exactly where I’m heading. “Is that so?”

“Yes, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for you getting burned. Not on your birthday and all.”

“No, we wouldn’t want that,” Blaine says and pulls off his tank top. It lands on the grass somewhere above his head. I tell him to turn around, and then I sit down on his thighs. I pour some of the sunscreen into my hand and start to rub it on his back. It soon turns into a massage, where I my hands run up and down his back repeatedly, making sure not to miss a spot.

“This feels familiar,” Blaine says after a while and begins to chuckle. “Do you remember when I asked you to scratch my back? You sat just like this.”

“Yes, I remember,” I say. I remember trying to hide my feelings and not letting him know how much I enjoyed it.

“I was so hard, and I couldn’t understand why I became hard from your touch,” Blaine says, and I can’t help but laugh. 

“Oh my God, I was hard too! You were making these noises that sounded just like moans, and it really turned me on.”

“I couldn’t help myself, your fingers on my skin felt so good,” Blaine says, and even though I can’t see his face, I can hear in his voice that he is smiling.

“And I couldn’t keep in a gasp when you took off your tank top, and I saw your naked back. I tried to make it sound like I was yawning.” I say and think back at how mortified I felt when that sound escaped my lips. I so did not want Blaine to know how turned on I was.

“Ha! I knew it was a gasp!” Blaine says triumphantly and turns to look at me.

“I remember you told me that I was more important to you than any of our friends, and that you would disown them if they didn’t accept that I was gay. I remember thinking that that was really sweet but also very improbable.”

“I would have, you know. I still will if it ever comes down to that. You are most important to me.”

Blaine’s words make my heart smile. I lean down and kiss his neck while tracing my fingers along his arms.

“That’s when I realized I was in love with you,” Blaine says after a while. 

“Baby…” I say, feeling as though Blaine is my personal little ray of sunshine today. “I had no clue at the time. I wish I would have known.” I wish we wouldn’t have spent so much time trying to hide our feelings. But we’re here now, and that’s all that matters.

“When you were sitting on me like you are now, that’s when I realized it. I was horny, hard and in love. And couldn’t do anything about any of it.” There is a small chuckle in his voice, like the memory is fond to him.

“Blaine?”

“Yes?”

“I’m hard now.” 

A happy and relaxed Blaine, all this talking about moans and being hard and horny – can I really be blamed?

“Me too.”

“Wanna do something about it, now that we can?”

“Oh God, yes!”

Blaine turns around beneath me so that I’m now straddling his crotch. I let my eyes and fingers roam over his chest, just because I can. He reaches up his arms, wraps them around my neck and pulls me down into a kiss. 

Soon I find myself with no shorts and no shirt on, lying on my back with Blaine above me. Blaine, considerately, pointed out that he should be the one on top since he’s the one with sunscreen on his back, and I love him for thinking about that when all I think about is him touching me. Our kisses are sloppy and messy as we move our hips together in a sweet, excitative, rhythmic motion. My hands roam down his back, grip his ass and pull him closer to me. His kisses move from my lips, down my jawline until his lips find my ear. He nibbles and sucks, and keeps rubbing his cock against mine, and God does that feel good. He keeps moving, never stopping, and soon I feel my stomach clench and my toes curl as my orgasm hits me. I see it in Blaine’s face, see that he’s close, too, so I put my hand inside his underwear and dip a finger inside his crack. When I start rubbing it over his hole, Blaine moans my name as he comes.

Afterwards we lay panting next to each other, both with sticky messes in our underwear, which, in the heat of the moment, none of us thought to remove. We have nothing to clean ourselves up with, so Blaine suggests that we take a dip in the lake. He jokingly adds that he did buy soap at the market, we can use that to clean ourselves up. I’m a bit hesitant to go into the lake, what if someone sees us? Blaine manages to convince me though, _this place is secluded Kurt, no one is going to see us_ , and soon we’re naked and running into the lake. It’s freezing cold, and I stop running when the water reaches half way up my shins. But Blaine keeps running until he finally dives into the water. When he resurfaces and sees that I’m still standing in the shallow end of the lake, a bit hesitant, he walks in closer to me. Just when I’m expecting him to reach out a hand to me, he laughingly starts splashing water on me instead. When the initial shock subsides, I yell at him to stop, but he doesn’t listen. I try to go after him, but he keeps moving backwards. I end up chasing him until he finally stops, and I can catch up with him.

“You’re so mean, I hate you,” I say and punch his arm playfully.

“No, you love me,” Blaine smiles back. “But I got you into the deep right.”

I haven’t even realized that I have water up to my chest, and that it’s not even cold anymore. “Sure, but you don’t play fair.”

Blaine laughs. “Never claimed I was.” There’s this sparkle in his eyes. He’s happy, really happy and in this moment in time he has no worries. I can see it in his eyes, and I can hear it in his laughter. I find myself wishing I could keep this moment forever.

Blaine pulls me in for a kiss, and I jump up into his arms and wrap my legs around his waist. Blaine's hands finds the small of my back, and he holds on to me tight. We stand like that for the longest time, just kissing, until the water starts getting cold and we’re forced to move up to the grass again. Since we don’t have any towels, we lay down on the blanket and let the sun dry our wet bodies.

I find the box of strawberries and start feeding them to Blaine. I hold a strawberry teasingly above his mouth, high enough for him not to be able to reach it without sitting up a little bit. When he does, he takes the strawberry between his teeth, but doesn’t eat it. Instead he leans over to me, nudge the strawberry against my lips until I open my mouth. With his tongue he slides the strawberry between my lips, his tongue following. The kiss that comes after tastes like a mix of strawberries and Blaine. Like heaven.

I think about the chocolate bar that I have hidden in the picnic basket. When Blaine lies down and faces the sunny sky with closed eyes and a peaceful expression, I find the chocolate and put a piece of it into my mouth. I suck on it for a while, making sure it melts on my tongue. I then cup his face and slide my tongue into his mouth. Blaine eagerly returns my kiss, and when he notices that I taste of chocolate, a soft moan crosses his lips and his eyes roll back.

“I love it when you do that,” he says when we break the kiss. “There’s nothing better than the taste of chocolate on your lips.”

I hate to leave this bubble that we’re in, but we have a party to attend. People are waiting for us, and it’s getting late.

“I have one more surprise for you tonight,” I tell him.

“Really? There’s more?” Blaine says sounding really excited. I wonder if he has forgotten about the ‘surprise’ party or if he’s just playing along to humor me.

“Yes, but we have to go home and change for that.”

We put our clothes back on (except our underwear which are now hidden, under the trash, at the bottom of the picnic basket) and start the walk back to my car. Blaine holds the basket in one hand and me in the other. I hold on to him tight, loving being able to do this, holding his hand in public. Sure there's not a lot of people here, but it’s not a deserted place either. It’s so simple and everyday-like, holding hands, but it hasn’t been for us. Not until today.

After a few minutes, we meet a couple who are out walking their dog. Blaine smiles and greets them, all while still holding my hand. They smile and greet us back, like we’re a normal couple – just like any other. And that’s just what we are. A couple in love, holding hands. It really is the most natural thing. When we get back to the parking lot, even though there are some more people there, Blaine gives me a kiss before he lets go of me and jumps into the passenger seat.

I want to stay happy, and I really try to, but all I can think about is that we’re going back to reality. We’re leaving this bubble behind, and when we get home, he will be a different person. It kind of breaks my heart a little bit, but I am in no way pushing him on this matter. Coming out has to be his own decision. Instead, I try to shove these thoughts to the back of my head when we drive home. I want to enjoy this Blaine for as long as I can. Blaine, who’s just as bubbly as when we drove in the opposite direction, makes sure to fill the car ride home with laughter and smiles. 

When I park the car in my driveway, Blaine looks confused at me. “What’s Mike’s car doing here? And Quinn’s?”

“I have no idea,” I say, trying to play clueless.

“Could it be that my “surprise” party is held at the Hummel residence this year?” Blaine says with a fond expression on his face, while using air quotes.

“Surprise party? I don’t know anything about a party…”

“Okay, let’s get in there,” Blaine says and reaches for the door.

“Wait a second,” I say and put my hand on his arm. “I had a really great day today.”

“So did I,” Blaine says and looks at me with a somewhat puzzled expression, “but why do you say that like it’s over? There’s a party in there, it’s going to be great,” he adds, back to his bubbly self.

I don’t want to dampen his mood by saying something about how I feel. Spending time with our friends – pretending to be friends and nothing more – is something I should be used to. It’s just, after the day we just shared, I’ve gotten a taste of what life could be like if he were out, and I don’t want to go back to being just friends.

But Blaine’s so excited, and I’ve promised to never push him on this, so I just let it go. I give him a quick kiss on the cheek, and then we’re both out of the car. He waits for me to walk over to his side. When I’m next to him, he surprises me by taking my hand in his and starts walking towards the house while dragging me behind him.

“What are you doing?” I ask and stop him.

“Just holding my boyfriend’s hand,” Blaine says. “Or are you not okay with that?” He adds teasingly.

“You don’t have to do this Blaine…” I say even though my heart is screaming at me to shut up and just enjoy what’s going to happen now.

Blaine locks eyes with me. “It’s long overdue, Kurt. I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. I’ve had an amazing day with you, and I don’t want it to end just because we’re gonna hang out with our friends. I love you, and I’m finally at a stage where I’m ready to admit that to them.” There’s a small pause before he continues. “Unless you don’t want to…”

“I do, of course, I do, Blaine,” I say, because there’s actually nothing I want more than this. “I just want to make sure that you are sure.”

“I am.” Blaine squeezes my hand, and the sparkle in his eyes is present again.

“Okay, but then I have to tell you that your mom is here as well. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I think you need to know that before we do this, in case that changes your mind.”

Blaine thinks about it for a while before he answers. “It doesn’t. It only makes it better actually.” 

“Okay, let’s do this then.” I give him my most sincere smile. I feel nervous. I don’t know why though, but I feel as if I’m more nervous than Blaine about this. But I’m also ecstatic and proud. Proud of Blaine for reaching this point where he’s finally comfortable with himself, with being gay, and with being my boyfriend.

“Okay,” Blaine answers. “Will you stay close by my side though? Standing out here, with them all on the other side of that wall, I know I want to do this, I really do, but I don’t know how I will react when we get inside…”

“Of course, baby.” Like I would be anywhere else. “Do you want me to tell them?”

“I think I should be the one to do that,” Blaine says, and I give him a reassuring squeeze before we start walking towards the front door again.

When I open the door, the house is empty, but I hear music and voices from the backyard so I steer Blaine through the house to the backdoor. 

I stop Blaine a few feet before we reach the door. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” I ask again, because once we walk through that door, there’s no turning back.

“My heart is beating like crazy,” Blaine says, “but yes, I’m sure, Kurt. I want to do this.”

At first no one notices us; they’re all busy with talking and barbecuing and drinking beer (which my dad must generously have bought for the party). My dad of course knew we would be here tonight, but he wanted to give his present in private yesterday so that he could enjoy Blaine’s reaction to it.

A few seconds after we walk through the door, Tina sees us. “They’re here!” she shouts out and everyone turns our way. 

“Happy birthday, Blaine!” Everyone says in unison.

“You guys,” Blaine says and puts his hand over his heart to visualize how much this means to him. “This is such a surprise!” he adds with a played surprised look on his face.

Everyone starts laughing at his overdramatic reaction.

“Like it is every year!” Puck calls out which gets Blaine laughing as well.

I try to remember to breathe, but I’m just so nervous. Blaine seems surprisingly calm though. I look at everyone as they continue to talk to Blaine. My dad is sitting by the table talking to Blane’s mom, Tina and Puck are by the barbeque, Sam and Mike are lying on the lounge chairs, and Quinn is standing by the fold out table where all the food is placed. I try to meet her eyes, but she’s caught up in the ongoing conversation, of which I’m only hearing fragments.

“Wait, why are you two holding hands?” It’s Sam who first notices.

I feel Blaine tighten his grip around my hand. I look up at him and meet his gaze before he turns to look at them. “Ehm… well… that’s because Kurt is my boyfriend.”

Everyone goes silent. The only sound heard is the sizzling from the barbeque. I glance over at my dad, who looks as stunned as everyone else even though he already knows this. I guess he’s surprised for a different reason. My eyes sweep past Pam, she looks surprisingly unaffected by this news.

“I understand that this might come as a shock to you,” Blaine continues, “but I’m in love with Kurt.”

Still silence. 

“And I’m in love with Blaine,” I add, taking a small step closer to him and squeezing his hand. I look around at our friends. Sam looks clueless, Mike as if he’s trying to figure out if he just heard right, Tina as if she wants to say something but is waiting for someone else to say something first. Puck has an expression that seems to say _are you fucking kidding me?_

“I think this is so great,” I hear Quinn say. I look over to where she’s standing, and I’m so grateful that she breaks the silence. But then again, this is old news to her. She smiles and winks at us.

“Aww, you guys!” Tina shrieks. “You look so cute together!” She runs up to us and hugs us both. “I don’t know why, but this makes me so happy,” she says, and I see tears in her eyes.

“Wait a minute,” Sam says. “Does this mean that you are dating Kurt?” 

“Yes, I’m dating Kurt,” Blaine answers patiently.

Sam ponders for a while. “Cool,” he finally says and shrugs.

I feel my anxiousness slowly dissipate.

“Why are you here? I mean I love to see you, but aren’t you grounded?” Blaine’s question is directed to Sam.

“Yeah, well you’re lucky my mom likes you so much. I’m pretty sure if it were someone else’s birthday party, I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house. I have to be home by nine though.” Sam answers with another shrug.

“How long has this been going on?” Puck asks, pointing between the two of us. I can’t tell if this is going to be an issue for him or not. I know he had a hard time accepting me being gay, and now Blaine is too. Maybe it’s all too much for him.

“A few weeks.” Blaine answers. “Look I don’t expect you all to understand this, I didn’t understand it myself at first. It’s taken me a long time to accept that this is who I am, and I’ve asked Kurt not to tell anyone. But I’m gay, and that’s not going to change.”

“You should know what it’s like to want to keep things to yourself for a little while. After all, that’s what you and Quinn did,” I quickly add to the conversation, hoping he’s not going to give us a hard time for keeping him and everyone else in the dark.

“Touché,” Puck says and smirks, but then he turns slightly more serious. “This is gonna take some time getting used to…”

“I understand...” Blaine says, somewhat more somber than before. I can feel Blaine deflate next to me, his grip on my hand loosening.

“But I guess my opinion isn’t really relevant, and it’s not going to change anything,” Puck continues. “I’ve learned from my experiences with Kurt, that this doesn’t change who you are to me. What matter is that we’re friends. You’re still my bro, man.”

Puck walks over to us and gives Blaine a big hug. Blaine let’s go of my hand to hug Puck back. It’s like a weight has been lifted from my shoulder. I didn’t realize how much I needed Puck to be okay with this until now. I figured the others wouldn’t have a problem with us, but since Puck didn’t react too well on me being gay in the first place, I must have been subconsciously scared of his reaction.

“Well, I’m for one is glad this is finally out in the open,” Quinn says. “I’m happy for you Blaine, that you figured yourself out. I know this wasn’t easy for you.”

“Your words of wisdom actually helped a lot,” Blaine says and takes my hand again.

“Wait. You knew about this?” Puck says to Quinn. 

“Yes, I found them skinny dipping in my pool,” Quinn answers with a mischievous look on her face.

“Okay, no need to give out details, Quinn. Both my dad and Pam are here,” I say as I feel my cheeks heat up. I actually don’t need anyone to have that image on their minds, but especially not my dad and Blaine’s mom.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Puck continues, perhaps a little upset.

“Not my secret to tell.” Quinn says and walks over to where Puck is standing and gives him a kiss on his cheek. “Besides, Kurt knew about us before anyone else did, and he didn’t tell anyone, not even Blaine, so I figured I’d return the favor.” 

“Wait a minute now.” Sam sits up in his chair. “You said you’ve been together for a few weeks?”

“Yes...” Blaine answers a bit hesitant, because you never know what’s coming out of Sam next when he gets that look on his face.

“That means that that hickey on your neck was put there by Kurt!”

Another image I don’t need anyone to have on their minds. Why does Sam always chose the most unfitting times to be smart and figure things out? Blaine doesn’t seem to care though, he just puts on a big smile and nods.

“And that song was about Kurt!” Sam continues as he remembers more and more details about these last weeks.

“Yes, that song was about Kurt,” Blaine admits.

“I still haven’t heard it,” Tina says. “You must sing it tonight!”

Before Blaine can answer, Sam continues to throw out more memories into the air. “Oh! When we went camping! Kurt’s walk, that-“

“Okay, Sam! Parents remember!” I cut him off, turning an even deeper shade of red. I think I can hear Blaine chuckle beside me, but I’m not sure because all I can hear are Sam’s unspoken words echoing in my head. Words I do not want to be spoken.

“You guys had sex!” Sam continues as if he hasn’t heard what I’ve say.

“ _SAM!!_ ” I yell at him. I’ve turned crimson with embarrassment by now. “Okay, I’m going back inside, and I’m not coming out again.”

I let go of Blaine’s hand and turn to walk away, but Blaine takes my hand in his again. “Come on, Kurt, it’s not that bad.”

When did he become so unfazed by this? Isn’t he supposed to be the one with issues, and not me? I stop and look up at my friends in front of me. They’re all smiling and laughing. I look over to where Dad and Pam are sitting, and they’re both chuckling. I’m glad that they’re finding this so amusing. Or not. 

“Dad, Pam, I’m sorry… I’m sorry our friends are so crude.”

“No need be sorry, Kurt,” Dad chuckles. “It’s not like I don’t know what’s going on in my basement.”

“ _Oh my God!_ ” Blaine says, and now it’s his turn to turn scarlet. He tries to hide his face in his hands, hoping to escape the embarrassing moment. 

This time it’s me that can’t help the laughter coming out of me. I know this is Blaine’s biggest fear – that my dad will hear us. But I know he hasn’t heard a thing. There’s nothing that will wake him up once he’s fallen asleep. Everyone else is laughing too, and somewhere I’m happy that Blaine’s coming out has turned into this. There aren’t any sour looks or words, only smiles and laughter. It makes me relieved ,and I know Blaine must be too. 

“Mom, I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie,” Pam says.

“Hold on a second now,” Sam continues, and I worriedly wonder what he’s going to say next. “So, Mike and Tina, Quinn and Puck and now you two. Great! I’m going to be the third wheel wherever I turn.” He throws his arms up in the air in a defeated gesture.

“You can third wheel us anytime,” Puck calls out.

“We promise we won’t let you feel left out,” Mike replies.

“That’s what you say now,” Sam says. “You know what, I kind of don’t feel that sad that you’re all leaving town anymore.” He’s joking, but I think I can trace a hint of seriousness in his words. Poor Sam. I hadn’t thought about us now being three couples in our group, and Sam being the odd man out. I make a mental note to remember to include him and not be overly affectionate with Blaine when he’s around.

“You’re gonna miss us when we’re all gone, Sam,” Blaine says teasingly. “What are you going to do with all your free time?”

“Not watch all of my friends make out I guess,” He answers and everyone laughs.

I see Blaine looking over at his mom.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” He asks.

It strikes me then that Blaine hasn’t talked to his mom about him being gay and us being boyfriends. In an ideal world, he would have told her in private before he came out to everyone else. I don’t know what she thinks about this, but she’s laughing with the rest of them so I’m hoping she’s okay with us being together, with Blaine being gay. She gets up from her chair, and as she walks towards us, I whisper to Blaine and ask him if he wants me to come with them, but he says he wants to talk to her alone. He squeezes my hand before he lets go and gives me a quick kiss. I whisper that I love him, and he tells me the same in return. Then Pam is there, standing in front of us. She smiles and takes his hand in hers. Blaine smiles back and leads her inside.

I don’t really know what to do now that I’m standing here alone with all eyes on me. I don’t particularly like being in the center of attention. Luckily for me, Tina, who is still standing next to me, tugs at my hand.

“Come on Kurt, I’m dying to know how all of this happened.” Her smart brown eyes look up at me with genuine curiosity. I send her a bright smile in return. I’m dying to tell someone, anyone who will listen actually, about me and Blaine. I’ve been keeping it all in for so long, and now I feel all giddy. I sit down with Tina, and Mike and Sam come over to join us. But it feels wrong to tell this story without Blaine. I give them the general story, but save the details for later when Blaine is here. Tina is all over me with questions and sweet words of encouragement.

I keep an eye on the door to see when Blaine and Pam returns. It takes about twenty minutes before they do. They’re both smiling, and they give each other a hug before Pam sits down next to my dad again, and Blaine walks over to me. He positions himself behind the chair that I’m sitting in, leisurely lays his hands on my shoulders and leans down to give me a kiss on the cheek. I tilt my head back so that I can look at him. Blaine beams. It’s so evident in his eyes and his smile, his whole appearance actually, how happy and relaxed he is. There’s no trace of the agony and doubts from the past weeks.

The birthday/coming out party continues throughout the evening. Blaine stays close to my side. He’s very affectionate, always holding my hand or touching me in some way. It’s like he wants to catch up on all the missed moments when he hasn’t been able to do this. And I don’t mind one bit. I love that I can reach out and touch him or kiss him whenever I want to. Throughout the evening he barely leaves my side. And yes, we do get our share of comments about how ridiculously/disgustingly (depending on who’s commenting) sweet and in love we are. But they can say what they want, because who cares when Blaine is kissing me in front of them? I am ridiculously and disgustingly in love with him.

It seems like an eternity until Blaine and I are finally alone again. The party is over and our friends have left. Dad is upstairs sleeping, and Blaine and I are in the garden cleaning up.

“How did the talk with your mom go?” I ask while going around collecting the red solo cups that are spread across the backyard. It’s amazing how many cups can be used by so few people. 

“She already knew about us,” Blaine answers while collecting plates and cutleries from the table. 

“What? How could she know about us?” I stop what I’m doing and look up at him.

“Apparently she has this habit of checking in on me when she gets back from work to see if I’m sleeping at home or not, and one morning when she opened the door to my room, she saw us in bed together.”

“Oh my God! I hope we were decent,” I say horrified.

“She said we looked cute, cuddled up next to each other sleeping. She also cornered Burt about it last Sunday, and he sort of confirmed it.”

“What? He had no right to do that. I have to talk to him about that.” I can’t believe my dad would talk about me and Blaine like that when he knows about Blaine wanting to keep this a secret.

“In his defense, he didn’t really confirm anything, but he couldn’t exactly deny anything either, so don’t be so hard on him.”

“Okay, but still…” I say. “I guess we have to be more careful around your place then, I mean if she comes in to check on you every morning. That’s a little creepy…”

Blaine chuckles a little bit. “She doesn’t do that anymore. I think walking in on us once – even if we were just sleeping – was enough. I don’t think she wants to risk walking in on anything more. Thanks to you being such a neat freak, she just checks if your shoes are by the door.” 

I continue to stack empty cups as I make my way through the garden. “How do you think tonight went?” I ask Blaine after a while.

“It went okay, didn’t it?” Blaine says slightly hesitating.

“I’d say it went great! They were all so supportive of you, and of us. Even Puck.”

“Yeah,” Blaine says with a bright smile. “We do have the best friends.” He pauses, seemingly thinking about something, before he continues. “I feel so excited Kurt, it’s like I can finally start living.”

“I know,” I say and smile back at him.

“Come here,” Blaine says and stretches out his hand towards me.

I set down the cups on the nearest table and walk over to where he is standing. I take his hand, and he spins me around so that my back is pressed tight against his chest. His strong arms are wrapped around my stomach and he leans his chin on my shoulder.

“Have I told you that I love you?” Blaine says close to my ear. His breath on my skin makes me shiver, or maybe it’s just the feeling I get whenever he’s this close to me.

“It has been a while,” I answer teasingly.

“Now _that_ we can’t have. Don’t want you to doubt how I feel,” Blaine teases back. “I love you, Kurt. I love you so much that sometimes I think that my heart will explode.”

“I love you, too,” I say and lean my head against his. I put my hands on top of his and we stand like that for moment, just enjoying being together. “I’m so proud of you, for what you did today. For telling everyone about us,” I tell him.

“The time was right. I know this is who I am. I know I love you and don’t want to be without you. And even though I felt as though my heart would beat out of my chest, it felt right to do it. There was no other option.”

“You were very brave, and it means a lot to me that you did it. Not for my sake, but for us and for yourself.”

“Partly I did it for myself, but part of it was for you. I know I’ve said this before, but you’re my everything, Kurt. Thank you for being so patient with me and never pressuring me to be the perfect boyfriend when I couldn’t be.”

“You’ve always been perfect to me,” I say. Never during any part of this journey have I not thought he was just right for me.

“I surely haven’t,” Blaine chuckles behind me, “but just so that you know, you can kiss me whenever and wherever you like now.”

“So you’re not scared anymore of what people will think or say?”

“They can say and think whatever the fuck they want. It’s you and me now, in every which way you want us,” Blaine says and places a kiss on my neck.

“In that case, I say we leave the rest of the cleaning up until tomorrow. I want you downstairs in my bed.”

“Okay, but we’re not having sex tonight.”

“Why not??” I was sort of looking forward to that. Well not sort of, I was longing for it.

“You heard your dad. He knows what’s going on in his basement. I don’t think I can ever have sex with you down there again.”

I roll my eyes at him. “Oh, come on, Blaine! He doesn’t know anything. He’s just messing with us.”

“No, Kurt, he knows, he bought us condoms, remember. Sorry, but that’s not happening. Besides it’s my birthday, so I get to decide if we have sex or not.”

“Technically it’s after midnight, so it’s not your birthday anymore,” I turn my head and try to nibble at his ear seductively.

“Technicalities,” Blaine says, seemingly unaffected by my seducing skills. “It’s been a long day, Kurt, and tonight I just want to hold you. Is that okay?” His voice is so soft and timid.

“Of course, baby,” I turn around and wrap my arms around his neck, his arms now wrapped around the small of my back. I look into his eyes. “As much as I love to have sex with you, being wrapped up in your arms sounds just about perfect.” I lean my forehead against his. “You make me so happy, Blaine, I don’t even think you understand how much.”

“Kurt…” Blaine sighs blissfully. “I think I do understand because you make me feel exactly the same.”

Our lips meet in a very passionate kiss. A kiss filled with all the love we feel towards each other, and all the happiness we share in this moment. All of the tension, all worries, all confusion that’s been surrounding us for the past weeks, months even, are gone, and all that’s left is a complete peace of mind. 

Blaine’s hand finds it’s way into my pants, and he gently squeezes my ass. Suddenly he starts to giggle and breaks the kiss. “I can’t believe we told our friends about us while going commando.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about Blaine's coming out? Let me know :)


	30. Chapter 30

**Kurt, Friday July 22nd 2012, 5.23 pm**

”I should probably get going, I need to pick up my mom before driving to Columbus.” Blaine’s sitting on the kitchen counter next to the stove, chewing on a carrot that was intended for the dinner I’m preparing. He looks extremely handsome tonight in the clothes he let me pick out for him for his big night. He even let me do his hair - an act that could easily have taken me an hour or two if it weren’t for the fact that we’re on a time schedule. There’s just something about playing with his hair that makes me feel calm and somehow extra connected to him. And don’t get me started on the eyes looking back at me through the mirror on my vanity table. Let’s just say, if it wasn’t for us both having plans tonight, we would still be down in my room.

Tonight’s the night I get to meet Carole for the first time. I offered Dad to help with the cooking, and I think he was relieved that he didn’t have to cook tonight. He’s been nervous all day, not that he’s admitting it, but he’s nervous about bringing Carole home to meet me.

“Do you feel ready for tonight?” I ask as I stir the Bolognese I’m making. Tonight’s the night to impress the people from the record label. He’s been working hard all week, writing and perfecting songs.

“Yes, I’m so excited!” Blaine says with a big grin, his feet kicking against the counter. “I have two new songs, I have the one that they’ve already heard, and I have three old ones. I hope that’s enough.” 

“I’m sure it will be. I’m sorry I can’t be there…” I say for the fifth time today. As excited as I am to meet Carole, I feel bad for not being there for him tonight. I know Blaine has felt like he’s been a bad boyfriend to me most of our time together, but tonight the roles are reversed, and I got this guilty feeling in my belly that won’t go away.

“Hey, don’t be. You’ve been there every time,” Blaine says and places his hand on my arm. “Well, except that time when you dissed me to go on that date with what’s-his-name.”

“Please don’t remind me of that...” I say, feeling deflated and poke him with the wooden spoon I’m using to stir the food. Going on that date was such a huge mistake. Although it did get Blaine to confess his feelings for me so I can’t really hate that I did it.

“You’re gonna have a great time meeting Carole,” Blaine says. “Besides, I’ll get to spend time with my mom, so that’s good.”

“I know, but it’s a big night for you.”

“And it’s a big night for your dad. You can’t split yourself in two, Kurt.”

“I wish I could… but you’re right. I am looking forward to meet Carole.” I am very curious to find out who she is, this woman whom has captured my dad’s interest. “Will you come over after you’ve finished? No matter how late it is?”

Blaine smiles at me and pokes my nose with the carrot. “Like I would want to be anywhere else,” he says with his hazel eyes, that I so easily get lost in, looking fondly at me. “Come here.” He pulls me in so that I’m standing between his legs. He wraps them around me and his arms around my neck. I run my fingers through his curls and stand up on my toes to kiss him. How come my heart still speeds up every time we kiss? I can’t believe after all this time, he still has this effect on me.

“I love you,” I tell him when we break the kiss.

“I love you, too,” Blaine says and nibbles on my lower lip. He draws me in for another kiss, this time it’s deeper, with more tongue, and my heart beat picks up again.

“See what you do to me,” I say and place his hand on my heart. “Can you feel it?”

Blaine nods. “Yes. That’s crazy.”

“It happens every time we kiss.”

“Every time? Wow, that’s… that’s crazy.” He repeats with a smile. Then he leans in and whispers in my ear “usually my dick reacts whenever you’re near me.”

“ _Blaine!_ ” 

“What? It’s true!”

“I know! But you were leaving, and I was trying to have a moment before you left.”

“Oh, sorry, snuggy, but I cannot lie.”

“Really, or is it just another one of those things we should add to the pile of things you should think twice about before speaking?” I say with laughter in my voice.

“No, this one needed to be spoken,” Blaine says and kisses me, I suspect, to keep me from saying anything else. “Okay, now I really need to get going,” he says and releases me so that he can jump down from the counter.

“Oh, wait,” I say. “I meant to ask you if you’ve heard from Cooper.” Every year his brother calls him on his birthday, but so far this year, there’s been no call. I know their relationship is strained, but I also know that Blaine looks forward to that phone call.

Blaine shakes his head and shrugs. “I guess this is the year when he finally decided I’m not worth his time anymore.” He tries to make it sound like it’s not a big deal, but I know it is.

“You don’t know that. Maybe something came up.” I try to cheer him up, but he just shrugs again. I know he’s hurting inside, but I also know I can’t make him talk about it if he has set his mind against it.

With another five minutes of kisses and hugs, and me being reluctant to let him go, Blaine leaves. Shortly after, Dad enters the kitchen. 

“Mmm, that sure smells good, Kurt,” he says and swipes sweat off of his forehead.

“Don’t be nervous, Dad, I’m sure tonight will go great,” I tell him in my most convincing way. “Unless you’re afraid that I will embarrass you,” I add in an attempt to joke.

“I’m not nervous. Why would I be nervous?” Dad snaps at me. “Dinner will be ready in time, right?” He adds worriedly.

“Relax, Dad, have a beer. I have everything under control,” I tell him. I walk over to the fridge and fetch a beer that I extend to him. He takes the beer but doesn’t open it.

“Maybe I shouldn’t drink before she gets here.”

“Maybe you need one to relax.”

He looks at the bottle and then at me and then at the bottle again, like he’s weighing the pros and cons of having one beer. Finally he apparently decides that one beer is okay as he opens it and takes a big swig.

“Did I just here Blaine leave?” He asks after he swipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Yeah, he went to pick up his mom.”

“Damn, I wanted to wish him luck before he left.”

“Just call him instead,” I say and start stirring the Bolognese again. 

“Yeah, good idea!” He says and lights up, like it hadn’t occurred to him that he could do that.

“Good, and while you do that, can you stir for me so that I can go downstairs and change?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Dad says, a worried crinkle appearing between his eyes.

“It’s just stirring, Dad, I’m sure you can manage. I’ll be quick anyway.”

I hand over the wooden spoon to him, which he reluctantly accepts, and hurry down the stairs. I look at my still unmade bed, wondering what it will take for me to convince Blaine to have sex there again. He’s still persistent in his idea that he won’t have sex in my house. He thinks that Dad will somehow know exactly what we’re doing, and he says he can’t perform if he knows that my dad knows. It’s ridiculous, but he’s not budging. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t had sex since his birthday, it’s just, sex in the car is really uncomfortable, and I do prefer my bed. Maybe I can find a way to convince him tonight after he has blown the mind of those record label people. Maybe I can blow him…

I make my bed and then head to my bathroom to wash my hands before I pick out an outfit. After much deliberation, because I want to dress to impress, I chose a pair of red skinny jeans that I know at least Blaine would approve of, a white, short-sleeved, button up shirt and a matching red scarf. I change and then get started on my hair. I want to look my best when I meet Carole tonight, she’s obviously very important to Dad.

“Kurt!” I hear my dad call from upstairs. There’s a slight panic in his voice.

“Yes?” I call back.

“There’s an alarm going off, and I don’t know what’s making that sound.” 

“It’s the oven, the dessert is ready. Can you take it out?” Jeez, with the nerves running round in his system, it’s like he has lost all ability to think. It’s not like he hasn’t used the oven timer a hundred times before.

“Aren’t you ready? Can’t you just come up and do it?” 

“ _Dad!_ ”

“ _Kurt!_ ”

 _Oh, for the love of…_ I quickly finish with my hair and run upstairs, not wanting to burn the chocolate cake. I notice the already empty bottle by the sink and figure that Dad really needed that beer. Just as I’m taking the cake out of the oven, the doorbell chimes. Dad freezes besides me, his hand just holding the wooden spoon, but not stirring anymore.

“Dad?” I say. “The door. Maybe you should open it? Unless you want Carole to stand out there the entire evening.” I tell him and take the spoon from his hand.

“Ehm… yeah. Yeah, right!” When he finally starts moving, he almost stumbles over his own feet. I don’t think I have ever seen him like this, this clumsy and paralyzed. But then again, he’s never brought a woman home for me to meet.

I hear him open the door and greet Carole. I hear muffled voices, some words being whispered, and then they appear in the doorway.

“Carole, meet my son, Kurt. Kurt, this is Carole.” I see how Dad’s hand is resting on the small of Carole’s back. It’s a small gesture, but one that shows his affection for her.

Carole takes a few steps forward and extends her hand to greet me. “Nice to meet you, Kurt.”

I shake her hand. “Nice to meet you, too, Ms. Hudson.”

“Oh, please call me Carole, sweetie.”

“Okay, nice to meet you, Carole,” I say and smile. I can already tell that I’m going to like her.

“Wow, it smells really good in here. Is that your doing?” Carole asks me.

“Yes, Dad’s been kind of running around like a nervous teenager all day, so I offered to make dinner.” I say teasingly towards my dad.

Carole chuckles, “Oh, Burt.” 

“Hey, buddy! I thought we were a team.” My dad has an adorable blush on his cheeks but there’s also a smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he turns to Carole. “I just want for the two of you to get along.”

“And we already do, isn’t that right, Kurt,” Carole says to me.

“Of course, we do.”

“See, there’s no reason for you to be nervous,” Carole says and pats my dad’s arm.

I can see how he finally relaxes and even offers us a tiny chuckle. We continue to talk as I boil the pasta to go with the Bolognese. I can see why he likes her. She has this easy way around her, making it difficult not to like her. She’s very affectionate towards Dad, always touching his arm or laying her hand on his back, and I can see how much he likes it. I can see the way they look at each other and smile when they think I have my back to them. I see the sparkle in both of their eyes when they look at each other. I’m excited that my dad has someone like this in his life after all these years of him being alone, taking care of me and Blaine. Suddenly it doesn’t feel that hard to leave him behind when I leave for New York with Blaine in a couple of weeks.

When the pasta is ready, we sit down to eat, Dad and Carole sitting next to each other on the opposite side of the table from me. Carole and I drink sparkling water, while Dad grabs another beer. The evening continues in the same easy way it started. We talk and laugh, and I couldn’t dream up a better match for my dad even if I tried to.

“So, Kurt,” Carole starts, “Burt tells me you have a boyfriend.” The way she says it makes me realize that she isn’t faced by it at all, and it only serves to make me like her even more.

“Yes, I do,” I answer not sure if she wants me to elaborate. The mention of Blaine, however, makes me start to think about him. I wonder if he’s nervous about performing tonight. I’m sure he’ll do great though, he’s always brilliant when he’s on a stage, so why should tonight be any different. I picture him up on that stage singing the songs he’s written, wishing I was there to see him perform the two new songs. He has sung them for me, but, somehow, I think they will be even better with a crowd.

“Aww, Burt, look how he lights up when he thinks about him,” Carole says fondly.

I wasn’t aware that I got a particular look on my face, but thinking of Blaine always makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And now that she’s mentioned it, I can feel the big grin on my face.

“You should see them when they are in the same room together,” Dad chuckles. “Sometimes, I excuse myself just so that I don’t have to watch them be so ridiculously in love.”

I feel a faint blush creeping up on my cheeks, which only makes Dad chuckle even more. I guess he’s right though, even though we try to, sometimes it’s very hard to keep our hands and lips away from each other. Carole pats my dad on his arm and tells him to be nice.

“Burt also told me you used to be best friends before you became boyfriends,” Carole adds looking at me again.

“Yeah, we’ve been best friends since fifth grade, but never anything more than friends until now.”

“I think that’s really sweet how you found love in each other after all those years. You guys are very lucky.” 

I know I’m lucky to have my best friend as my boyfriend, someone who knows absolutely everything about me. Someone whom I don’t have to hide my less fortunate sides from because he’s already seen them, and still he loves me and wants to be with me. Someone whom I can trust completely to never let me down. Yeah, I’m a pretty lucky guy.

“Burt says you two are moving to New York together,” Carole continues.

“My dad sure seems to talk a lot about us,” I say and glare at him playfully.

“He does,” Carole says fondly 

At the same time Dad answers “I don’t,” which makes me laugh. “It’s just, it’s either that or repair talk, and Carole tends to tune out when I talk about car repairs.”

“I do not,” Carole says with feigned dismay, punctuating each word.

My dad chuckles, lays his hand on her arm and says, “Yes, you do, Carole, but it’s okay, I don’t always listen when you tell me what’s going on in the ER.”

“You don’t?!” Carole continues with her feigned dismay but then begins to laugh.

This makes me realize that although my dad apparently talks a lot about me with Carole, I know absolutely nothing about her.

“It’s funny how you talk so much about me with Carole,” I say to Dad and then turn to Carole, “but yet I barely know anything about you. Like how did you two meet?”

“Oh, it’s partly my fault that your dad hasn’t talked about me,” Carole begins. “You see, I have a son who graduated from McKinley this year, too, and, well, we decided not to mention anything to either of you until we knew where we were going with this.”

“You have a son? Who is he, maybe I know him.” I say, leaning in closer.

“His name is Finn, he was the-“

“Quarterback,” I fill in putting the pieces together. I should have realized there was a connection when Dad mentioned that Carole’s last name was Hudson. But then again what are the odds?

“Yes! You know him?” Carole asks, her whole face lightening up.

“I know of him, but I don’t know him. We didn’t exactly hang with the same crowds, but everybody knows Finn.” I say picturing the tall quarterback in front of me.

“Anyway, your dad and I met at a parent-teachers conference earlier this year.”

“You went to a parent-teacher conference?” I ask my dad with a raised eyebrow. I had no idea he attended those types of meetings.

“Yeah, gotta keep myself updated,” Dad says. “You guys were all freaking out about graduation, so I thought I’d attend one of those meetings. But, honestly, I’m not sure I got that much wiser…”

“He did look a little lost,” Carole says and pats his arm, “so I approached him, and we started talking. He asked me out for coffee afterwards. One thing lead to another, and here we are.”

“I’m glad I did,” Dad says and looks fondly at Carole.

“So am I,” Carole answers, and I can see the love flowing between them. Carole then turns her attention back to me. “It took a few more coffee dates, and a movie before Burt finally made his move. I knew instantly that I liked him, but your dad was kind of hard to read, so I had no clue if he was interested or not.”

“Oh, I liked you alright,” Dad says and leans in to kiss her.

“And you say that Blaine and I are ridiculously in love. Look at the two of you.”

Dad breaks the kiss again, and even though they’re both blushing, I see that they’re happy to finally share their love for each other with me.

After we’ve finished dinner, I tell them to sit down in the living room while I clear the table and then I’ll bring them the desert. When I’m alone in the kitchen, I pick out my phone and send a quick text to Blaine. I just can’t stop thinking about him. I think I’m more nervous about this night than he is.

**Kurt  
Hope everything goes well tonight! Love you**

I look at the text and realize how lame it sounds, so I quickly type out another one.

**Kurt  
What I meant to say is, kick some ass tonight, and then come here so that I can take care of your ass.**

Not expecting an answer, I put away the phone in my back pocket again and start loading the dishes into the dishwasher. Soon, however, I feel my phone vibrate.

**Blaine  
Always so articulate. I’m about to go on stage, but I’ll come home as soon as I can.**

Home. Blaine calling this place home makes me all warm.

**Blaine  
But you’re leaving my ass alone. You know I’m not having sex in your bed with your dad in the house.**

I smile to myself, thinking that we’ll just have to see about that. I think I can find a way to convince him. I have several ideas on how to get him naked in my bed, begging me to take him.

When I hear Dad’s and Carole’s voices from the living room, I quickly shove those thoughts away and finish cleaning up the kitchen. I put the dessert and filled coffee mugs on a tray and take it to the living room. Dad and Carole are sitting close next to each other, and although they do a good job of keeping up the conversation with me, I now understand how my dad feels in mine and Blaine’s company. After a while, I excuse myself and say goodnight to them.

Down in my own bedroom, I take a shower and prepare myself for bed. I open up a window to let in some of the cooler evening air. A wind blows in through the room, making me shiver. It’s a little bit chillier tonight compared with how the summer nights have been up until now. Maybe, finally we can have a bit more decent temperatures.

I curl up under the covers, and while waiting for Blaine to show up, which will take several hours, I start watching a movie. There’s a Twilight marathon on, and since I haven’t seen those movies in a while, I decide this is a good way to spend my time waiting. When I tune in, New Moon is on, and Bella’s just found out Jake’s a werewolf.

Seconds later, or so it feels, Bella is giving birth to her daughter. I guess I must have been really tired. I hear someone open my door and realize that Blaine unlocking it must have been the sound that woke me up. Blaine enters and closes the door behind him. He walks towards me, and I must look as dazed as a feel because he gets an apologetic expression on his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He sits down next to me and gives me quick kiss.

“No, I was waiting for you to come home, so it’s a good thing you woke me up,” I say and rub the sleep from my eyes. “I want to hear all about what happened tonight.” A big smile spreads across his face, and he runs a hand through my hair, ruffling it a little bit before his hand falls down and cups my cheek. He gets a tender look in his eyes. “You look adorable when your hair is all ruffled from sleep.” 

I self-consciously run my hand through my hair, trying to put it back in place, wishing I had a mirror so that I could see the mess on my head and fix it, but Blaine takes hold of it and stops me. “Don’t. I said you look adorable.” He places his other hand on my cheek, too, and leans in to give me a kiss. A second before our lips meet, he stops and says, “I love you,” and before I can reply, our lips meet in a deep kiss. I open my mouth to let his tongue slip in and melt into the kiss. I pull him down on top of me and spread my legs so that his can fit between them. I don’t know what brought this on, but if it means I can have him in my bed like this, I don’t care.

I twine my legs around his and push my groin up against his. I hear a faint moan from Blaine just after he breaks our kiss.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he curses quietly. “You have to stop, Kurt, I told you it’s not happening.”

“We’ll just see about that,” I answer with a smug smile and thrust up again.

Blaine looks at me. “No, we won’t,” and with one more kiss he rolls off of me and lies down on his back next to me.

I leave him be for now. I’m sure I can convince him later on. I turn to lie on my side so that I’m facing him. “So tell me, how did it go tonight?”

The big smile returns to his face. “It went great Kurt! Everything was just… amazing!”

“Tell me all the details,” I urge him eagerly.

“I thought I’d be nervous, you know, with knowing that my mom and the people from the record label were there watching me, but I wasn’t. When I got your texts right before I went up on stage, I had this calm entering my body. It was like you were there with me, Kurt.” Blaine says and shifts on the bed so that he’s facing me, too. “Then I just nailed every song. I don’t think I’ve ever sounded as good as I did tonight.” Blaine is ecstatic, and I’m back to feeling like a terrible boyfriend for not being there.

“I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Don’t be, there will be other opportunities,” Blaine says as his fingers trail down my arm to find my hand. “But you should have seen the audience, Kurt, they really loved every one of my songs and it was just such an amazing feeling!”

There’s a sparkle in his eyes when he talks about it that tells me just how big of a deal this has been for him, and I can’t help but feel a little sad that I wasn’t there. But I’m also extremely happy for him, happy that he did get to have this experience.

“Afterwards, I talked with my mom and she was so proud of me. She literally said she was proud of me, Kurt!” His fingers intertwine with mine, and he brings our joined hands up to his lips, kissing the back of my hand. “I even dedicated the songs to you. I sat on that stage and told everyone ’ _I wrote this song to my boyfriend_.”

“You didn’t,” I say not believing he would be so open about being gay. 

Not believing I wasn’t there to hear him say it.

“I did! And it only rendered more applause!” He’s so excited, and so am I.

“Did you talk to the people from the record label? Was Sebastian there?” I ask, still not entirely comfortable with him being anywhere near Blaine even though he said he didn’t want to trade his boyfriend for a younger version. There’s just something about him that I don’t trust.

“Yes, I did, and yes he was there, not that I see why that matters,” Blaine says.

I decide to drop it for now and focus on what really matters.

“And what did they say?” I ask. Blaine makes a big deal about clearing his throat before he speaks. “Come on, tell me!” I urge him.

“Okay, so Jeff and the guys brought the head of A&R with them and…” Blaine says and drags out the last word, which makes me want to hit him or something because the suspense is killing me. “He liked me Kurt! He liked my songs and my voice, and he wants to record some songs with me and make an EP!” Blaine squeals out the words in excitement.

“No way!” I say, equally excited.

“Yes way!”

“Oh my God, Blaine!” I say and hug him tight. “I’m so happy for you! Wow, this is just so…” I’m kind of speechless. I mean, I know he’s got the talent to do this, but that he would be discovered while playing at a club in Columbus, in a gig offered to Sam, it’s just something that doesn’t happen to people like us.

But then something occurs to me. 

“But what did he say when you told him you’re going to New York to study. Will they wait for four years before you can do this?”

“They want to do it now!” Blaine continues in the euphoric state he’s in. “He wanted to team me up with one of their songwriters in a couple of weeks to see if we could be a match. And I’m going to meet some producer.”

“But you told them you can’t do it now, right?” I ask feeling the excitement slowly fading. We’re moving to New York. He can’t stay here.

“No, why would I do that?” Blaine says uncomprehendingly and props himself up on his elbow. “I told them I’d think about it, but what’s there to think about really? This is what I want to do!”

“But we’re moving to New York, Blaine… Do they have a recording studio in New York?” I try, not wanting to be the one to bring him down from his high.

“No, it’s here, in Columbus,” Blaine answers slightly less enthusiastic than before.

I sit up on my bed, not really sure I like where this conversation is going. “But what about your education?”

Blaine also sits up. “This is what I want to do. Why do I need an education if I can just do it now anyway?”

“I really think you need to give this another thought, Blaine. You can’t just throw away your education. You’ve gotten admitted to Steinhardt. Do you know how many would kill to get accepted there? And you’re just gonna throw that away?”

“I’m not throwing anything away. This is my dream, Kurt. I’m going to do what I’ve always dreamed of doing. I’m just doing it without spending all that money on an education that I don’t need.” Blaine says. “He said my voice is unique, that I have natural talent.”

“What about New York?” I ask.

“New York will still be there even if I stay here for a while. I can always move to New York later.” Blaine is not seeing my point at all.

I feel my heart twist into a tight knot, and I take a deep breath. “What about us?” The words come out almost in a whisper.

Blaine takes both of my hands in his. “What do you mean ‘what about us’? We’ll still have each other, that won’t change.” He answers as if he doesn’t understand me or my concerns at all. 

“I can’t move to New York without you…” Blaine gives me this uncomprehending look but doesn’t say anything. “I can’t do long distance, Blaine…”

Blaine stays quiet for a long time, contemplating what I’ve just told him. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to him, he knows I don’t believe in long distance relationships. Not only is my heart twisted into a knot, but my stomach is too. I’ve got a bad feeling about this...

“Are you breaking up with me…?” He asks in a small voice, and let’s go of my hands again.

“No! No, of course not,” I reassure him (and maybe myself too). “I’m just trying to say that I need you in New York with me. I really think you should think about what you are giving up if you stay here.” The last part was meant to be about his education, but as I say it, I realize that Blaine will interpret it as being about us.

“I can’t believe how selfish you are,” Blaine says. His voice is cold and uncomfortably calm.

“Selfish?” 

Am I being selfish? Isn’t he the one who’s selfish? But before I get the chance to continue, Blaine gets up from the bed.

“Yes, selfish. Can’t you see what an opportunity this is for me? You know this is what I want to do and I thought you of all people would support me on this. I thought you’d be happy for me,” Blaine says, still in that freakishly calm, cold voice. But then there’s a shift in his tone, and the rest comes out more angry. “But all you see is what an inconvenience this will be for you. I know it will be hard, but I know we can do it if we want to. But apparently you’re already giving up on us.” He’s mad, I can see it in his eyes his. They’re turning darker and darker the more he speaks.

“Blaine, no, that’s not what I…” I start reaching out for him, but Blaine is moving away from my bed. 

He’s upset. More so than I’ve seen him in years. I’ve only seen him like this because of his mom.

“I was so excited coming here and telling you this, but now you’ve just ruined everything,” he says, staring at me. “You know what Kurt? Screw this!” He turns his back on me and walks towards the door.

“Blaine!” I call after him. “You can’t just leave. Come back. _Please_. Let’s talk about it.”

Blaine stops. He turns around to look at me. “What’s there to talk about? You’ve already made up your mind.” He slams the door hard behind him as he leaves.

I want to run after him, but I’m in shock and can’t get my legs to move. _What just happened??_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is wondering the A&R (Artist and repertoire) department at a record label company is in charge of discovering new talents. This is where Jeff works, and so he brought his manager who makes the final decisions.
> 
> I would also like to take you down memory lane and remind you that already in chapter 4 it was established that Kurt don’t believe in long distance relationships (not that I expect anyone to remember that ;) ). 
> 
> Okay, so now please tell me what you think of this chapter!


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very short chapter, at least for being me. It's mainly Kurt's thoughts about what's happening. And yes I know, it's _another_ Kurt chapter. As this story continues, there will be more chapters from Kurt's POV for a little while.

**Kurt, Sunday July 24th 2012, 6.45 pm**

It’s been two days since Blaine slammed the door and left. Two days of no communication. It’s not that I want to stay away from him or that I need time to myself. What I need is to talk to him, but Blaine isn’t answering any of my attempts to reach out to him. My calls go straight to voicemail, and my texts remain unanswered. It makes me angry and sad because at the very beginning we made a promise to always talk to each other, no matter what. I guess that promise wasn’t worth anything to him… 

I don’t understand what this silence means or what’s happening between us. Why is he shutting me out? Why now when we need to talk the most? What does it mean? I hate the not knowing. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how I can’t sleep or eat. I hate how it makes my chest so tight it’s hard to breathe. 

I’m curled up in my bed, hugging my legs, wearing the same pajama pants I wore when he left. I’m covered by two blankets, still I’m freezing. Everything is changing, I can feel it, but I don’t know how to stop it if I can’t talk to him.

I’ve called all of our friends, but none of them has seen or heard from him. Quinn and Sam tried calling him, but he doesn’t answer their calls either. I’ve been by his apartment, but there’s no answer when I knock on the door. I don’t know where else to look for him. I don’t know what more I can do.

Everyone wonders what happened, but I don't know what to tell them because I don’t really understand what’s going on between us. Have we broken up or are we still together? Was it just a fight or was it worse than that? Is it beyond repair or can we still fix our relationship? If it’s even broken…

Was I selfish? Did I only think about it from my own perspective? I’ve been replaying our conversation in my head the entire weekend, but no matter how I turn it around, I can only see that he’s the one being selfish. How could he make the decision to stay here without even talking to me about it first? Did he take us into consideration at all? Did he even think about how his decision would affect us? I know we haven’t been boyfriends for very long, but don’t I matter to him now that he has had this opportunity presented to him?

I hate that I can’t talk to him. I hate that he has crawled back into his shell again. He has never been good at talking about the difficult things, but he had really gotten much better lately. When we were together, he opened his heart to me, and we talked about everything. He seemed so okay with being honest about being gay in front of our friends, didn’t seem to find it difficult to tell them. Now I fear that he has fallen back into old habits, and I wonder if he will talk to me again. 

But he has to, he can’t just shut me out like this. I refuse to believe that this is the end. That this is how we’ll end. Still, I keep hearing his words, _Screw this!_ , over and over in my head, like he was done with us. But he was just upset, right? It was just something he said in the heat of the moment. He didn’t really mean it. He can’t have...

I’m going crazy thinking about it. I need to get out of my room, I need a break from my thoughts. I need for someone to distract me. And I definitely need to get out of these pajama pants. I think about calling one of my friends, but they’re all connected to Blaine, and there is bound to be questions about him, and that’s not what I need.

Instead I call Ali. I figure she won’t ask too much about Blaine. Besides she’s just been on another date with Logan, and there is a great chance she will want to talk about that. Perfect distraction. 

And it is a perfect distraction. For fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes of our coffee date at the Lima Bean we spend talking about her, her date, her life. But then she looks at me.

“What’s up with you? You look like shit.”

I run my hand self-consciously through my hair. I know it’s a mess. I know I needed to shower before I got here, but changing out of my pajama pants was all I could muster to do.

“Gee, thanks Ali,” I say. “Nothing’s up with me.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Kurt. It’s pretty obvious something isn’t right.” She gives me a pointed look. “Let’s be honest here, you don’t normally call me out of the blue just to hang out. So tell me now, what’s bothering you.”

“Nothing,” I repeat trying to stick to my resolution not to think about Blaine, although by now it’s pretty hard not to. “Maybe I just wanted to be a better friend.”

“That would be very sweet if it were the truth, but I don’t believe it is,” Ali says and puts her hand on mine. Then she adds in a soft voice, “just tell me what’s wrong, Kurt.”

I sigh. I really had no intention of bringing this up tonight. I only wanted to get distracted by Ali, but obviously she knows me better than I thought. 

“Did something happen to Blaine?” Ali continues when I don’t answer. “Why aren’t you with him tonight? You’re always with him.”

I close my eyes and exhale. I might as well tell her. “He’s not going to New York with me. He’s staying here in Ohio.” I try to hold my voice steady, but I can hear the quavering in it.

“Okay… Wha-… Why?” Ali asks, eyes widening and her grip on my hands tightening.

So I tell her everything that’s happened with Blaine being noticed by the record label, and how they want to make a record with him. I tell her that he’s so in love with the idea that he isn’t thinking further ahead than this possible record, that I think he should go to New York, and get his education first, and then he can make all the records he wants.

“I can’t do long distance relationships. I can’t be with him if he’s here, and I’m in New York.” I conclude. I hold on tightly to my coffee mug while telling her, just to keep my hands from shaking. Ali sits back and listens intently to everything I say.

“I’m so sorry, Kurt.” Her thumbs brush over the back of my hands. Soothingly I suppose, but all it makes me think about is Blaine doing the same when I told him I was gay and how I don’t know if I will feel his hands on me again. “Are you sure he’s made up his mind to stay?”

“Yes. He was so excited about it, and he couldn’t see my concerns at all.” 

She takes a sip of her coffee before she continues. “Don’t you think this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him?”

“No. He’s so talented, he will get more chances like this.” I truly believe this to be the case.

“Okay, let me put it this way instead. Don’t you think he should follow his dream?” Ali asks.

“Of course, he should, but we’re still young, and there will be other possibilities for him in the future, and then he will be older and more prepared.”

“True, but you said this is what he wants to do, what he’s always dreamed of doing. Hasn’t he prepared himself for this for a long time now?”

“Maybe…” I say while thinking about what she just said. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m just making up reasons for him not to stay. Maybe his education and his age has nothing to do with it. Maybe I just need him…

“So why can’t you be with him if he stays here? I mean you still love him right?”

“More than anything,” I say, feeling my chest tighten again. “But I just couldn’t be with him if he’s not with me. I couldn’t stand being with him if I can’t see him every day. I can’t be with him if I can’t touch him or kiss him. It would be too hard…”

I feel the tears coming, the tears that I’ve been fighting so hard to hold back the entire weekend because I know if I start crying, I won’t be able to stop. 

“I don’t want us to start fighting because someone forgot to call because we’re both too busy with our own stuff, and I know that’s what’s going to happen when we start living our lives separately,” I say through sniffles. “And then we’ll end up resenting each other, and… and… he’s my best friend, I can’t lose him.”

Ali moves her chair to sit next to me as I break down and start crying uncontrollably. She puts her arms around me and hugs me tight. 

“Schh, Kurt, you don’t know that’s gonna happen.”

“But it will.”

“He hasn’t accepted anything yet, right? So talk to him. Have you told him your concerns with long distance?” She asks, and when I shake my head, she continues. “Then tell him what you just told me. Maybe you can find a way to work it out, find a solution that works for the both of you.”

“I would if he would pick up his god damn phone and answer!” I say, picking up my phone from the table only to slam it down again. I dry the tears on my cheek with the back of my hand. It’s a vain attempt because more keeps coming. “I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing, if he’s mad at me or what. See this?” I say and gesture to myself. “This is exactly what I will be like if I go to New York by myself.”

“Come on now, Kurt. You don’t know that.”

“But I do, it’s what always happens to long distance relationships. Both parts have the great intention to make it work, but it never does because life gets in the way.”

“Maybe you two will be different. Maybe if you already know this, you can be extra careful and make it work.” Ali tries, and although I love her for trying, I know it’s not going to work out.

I shake my head. “No.”

“Okay, enough with the pity party. With that attitude, of course it’s not going to work.” Ali says with a firm, and a little harsh, voice. “You know I like you, Kurt, and I will always have your back, but this is just you feeling sorry for yourself without doing anything to try and find a solution.”

“That’s not true!” I say, not liking her accusations, even though some part of me knows that she’s right. At least partly. “I’ve done everything I can to find him, but he’s just shutting me out. If he won’t talk to me now, how can I believe we can make it when we’re 600 miles apart?”

“Look, I want to help you, Kurt. I hate seeing you like this,” Ali says. “You can’t just give up like that. You have to figure out how you can fix this. If you want him to move to New York with you, you have to find a way to convince him not to stay.” 

“I would if he would talk to me… I can’t do anything as long as he’s hiding.” 

“If Blaine is too much of a coward to talk to you about what’s going to happen, you have to try harder to find him and get through to him,” Ali continues. 

I nod. I want nothing more than to talk to him. I hate not knowing what’s going on between us.

“Okay. Let’s think about it together,” Ali says, and I can see how she gets excited about trying to help me. “If he isn’t at home, where else can he be? Where does he go when he isn’t at home?”

I sigh, feeling my heart sinking. “To my place…” 

“And he obviously isn’t there, so he must be somewhere else.”

“I know, but…” I say, feeling stupid. “We were always together… And he’s not with our friends… I don’t know where he could go…”

“Have you talked to his mom? Maybe she knows.”

“No…” I say feeling even more stupid for not thinking about that.

“Then call her.”

“Now?” I ask.

“Do you want to find Blaine or not? Yes, _now_!” Alice says with an enthusiasm I’m starting to feel too.

I pick up my phone and find Pam’s contact info. I push the call button and wait while the signals go through. I feel hope rise within me at the thought of maybe getting some information on Blaine. When it goes to voicemail, I can’t help but feel disappointed. I was really hoping that Pam could tell me something about him. At the same time, I feel a new determination to find Blaine. I have to try harder. I can’t let him hide away from this. He’s somewhere, and if I have to drive around town all day to find him, or call him every five minutes until he picks up, that’s what I’ll do. We need to talk. We need to fix this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this was so short, and since the next one is even shorter, I'll post ch. 32 in two days and then another two chapters later this week.  
> Next is Blaine's thoughts on what's happening.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's a very short chapter - the shortest in this story, next after ch. 1 :)

**Blaine, Tuesday July 26th 2012, 7.37 pm**

I’ve been driving around for what feels like days. I can’t stay at the apartment. I’m too restless to just sit still in an apartment where all I see is evidence of the last time Kurt was there – the sweater he forgot, his pillow in my bed, his toothbrush next to mine. I can’t be there. And I can’t go home because home isn’t home anymore. Everything is a blur. Everything has been a blur since he told me he can’t do long distance.

I can feel him slip away from me. I know he won’t change his mind. I know this decision is mine. But I don’t want to make it. It just seems so fucking unfair. Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I have both? He’s my whole life. How can he make me choose? This can’t be real. This must be some cruel dream I’m caught in, because in what reality would I be put in this situation?

I’m mad at him for making me choose and I’m mad at him for only thinking about himself. Can’t he see what an opportunity this is for me? Mostly though, I’m just sad. Sad that Kurt so easily is giving up on us, that he’s not even willing to try. That he only sees how hard this will be for him. 

But I can’t give up my dream. This is the rest of my life he wants me to sacrifice. This is my one chance. And it’s happening now and it’s happening in Columbus. How can he ask me to give that up? I don’t want to give that up just because Kurt doesn’t think we can survive a long distance relationship. I know it will be hard being apart, it will probably be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do, but I also know that we can make it. I know that our love is strong enough to survive anything. Kurt doesn't seem to see it that way though. How can he just say ‘ _I can’t do long distance_ ’ without even trying? It’s not like he has been in a long distance relationship before, so how can he know? It makes me question if he really loves me. Wouldn’t he at least want to try if he did? And if he doesn’t love me, then what’s the point of it all?

I’ve gone through so much to be with him. I’ve questioned who I am. I have doubted myself so many times. I’ve driven myself crazy with thoughts and questions about my feelings for him. I’ve lost sleep thinking I’m going mad because how could I be gay? And now that I’ve finally found my place and accepted that this is who I am, now that I’ve come out and told everyone that I’m in love with him, he decides he can’t do this. All summer, all he’s had to do is accept the love that I’ve given him, and now when he’s the one who has to do a little of the hard work, he just decides he can’t do it. How can he claim he loves me if, when things aren’t a walk in the park for him anymore, he just throws his hands up in the air and says: _you know what, if you’re going play by those rules, I’m out_. If he doesn’t love me, then it makes the decision to stay here and make this EP so much easier for me. 

Or so it should be… but nothing is easy when it comes to Kurt. I still love him. No matter how mad I am at him, I still love him. 

I know I will have to talk to him eventually, but I just can’t. Because if I do I have to face that this is actually happening. I need more time to figure out what I should do. I can’t do that if Kurt keeps calling and texting. I decide to send him a text to put an end to it until I know what I should do. This is my dream, the only thing I’ve ever been passionate about. Until I fell in love with Kurt that is…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted on Thursday.


	33. Chapter 33

**Kurt, Wednesday July 27th 2012, 11.22 am**

The determination instituted in me by Ali, has slowly faded over the past couple of days. Without her pushing me to try harder, I don’t feel as confident. I’m not so sure we can work this out, especially since he still isn’t answering any of my calls. But he did send me a text yesterday. _Please stop calling me_ , he wrote. At first my heart sank because those words made me so sad. But the more I kept staring at them, and the more the meaning behind them became clear to me, the sadness turned into anger. How could he write something like that? Had he already given up on us? So easily? If he wasn't willing to fight, why should I? But what if I lose him?

It’s the thought of losing him forever that keeps me going, that makes me ignore his text and get in my car. First I’ll drive to his apartment, and if he isn’t there, I guess I’ll just drive aimlessly around Lima until I find him. Because I will find him.

When I arrive at his apartment building, a wave of hope rushes through me as I see his car parked on the street. He’s home. I park my car in the vacant spot behind his and dart across the street, both in my eagerness to see Blaine and to escape the pouring rain. My heart is pounding hard when I knock on the door - some of it is from the running, but mostly it’s the nervousness that has suddenly kicked in. Water is dripping down my forehead, and my hair is probably a mess, but I can’t find it in myself to care because Blaine is home.

There’s no answer, so I ring the bell and knock once more. I wait, but there’s still no answer. I know he’s in there, and I’m not going to let him ignore me. I’m not going to let him give up until we have at least talked first. I press my ear against the door and listen for sounds that will confirm that Blaine is there. The apartment is silent.

“Blaine! I know you are in there, please open,” I call out.

But still there’s only silence. I call his name again. Nothing. I start pounding hard on the door. I’m determined not to stop until he opens. I don’t care if the neighbors hear my hard knocks and think that I’m some crazy person because Blaine is in there, and I will get him to open this door and talk to me.

After a few minutes I hear the lock turn. My heart starts racing again, and the muscles in my chest tighten up as the door slowly opens. I can feel the blood coursing through my veins as a rush of adrenaline hits me.

Only it’s not Blaine, it’s a sleep-dazed looking Pam. With all the adrenaline in my system, my brain can hardly process the disappointment of it not being Blaine standing in front of me, and I’m not able to say anything.

“Kurt?” Pam says, squinting at me.

Her voice makes me snap out of it though. “Oh, I’m so sorry Pam!” I exclaim. _Shit_. I totally forgot that she would be sleeping now after a long night at work. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Did something happen?” She asks while rubbing her eyes.

“No, no,” I reassure her quickly. “Is Blaine home?” Even if he’s not answering the door, it doesn’t mean he's not here.

“I don’t know… do you want me to check?”

“Can I check for myself?” I ask not entirely trusting that Blaine won’t tell his mom to tell me that he isn’t at home.

“Did something happen between you two?” Pam asks. “He was very quiet during our dinner on Sunday. He told me he was fine, but I know something’s wrong.”

I’m not sure what to tell her because it’s not entirely clear to myself what happened. “I guess we had a fight…” I start, “and now he’s not talking to me. That’s why I need to find him. Can I please go and see if he’s here?” I’m too impatient to stand here and explain anything more to her. I’m so close to seeing him again, and I don’t want to wait.

I think Pam senses my eagerness because she just opens the door and lets me pass. I run to his room and open the door without knocking first. 

He’s not there. 

I check the kitchen, the living room, and even the bathroom but he’s nowhere. 

“He’s not here,” I tell Pam, unable to hide my disappointment. “Do you know where he is?”

“I’m sorry, Kurt. I haven’t seen him since Sunday,” Pam answers and looks apologetic.

I sigh. “Okay, thanks for letting me check.” I turn to walk out the door.

Pam stops me with a hand on my shoulder. I turn to look at her. “I hope you work this thing out, whatever it is. Blaine has been so happy since you became boyfriends… I’d hate for that to end.”

“Me too,” I answer and hope that this doesn’t have to be the end of anything. I don’t know how I’d be able to continue living my life without Blaine in it. No, I won’t let my thoughts wander in that direction. I will find him, and we will work this out.

With a determination stronger than ever, I say goodbye to Pam and run down the stairs again. When I reach the entrance of the building however, I see that the rain is still pouring down, and I realize that my initial plan to drive aimlessly around Lima to find him isn’t a very good one. With all this rain, Blaine isn’t likely out walking the streets. I sit down on the stairs, feeling slightly less optimistic.

I try to figure out, once again, where he could have gone. Even if his car is parked outside that apparently didn’t mean he was at home, so maybe someone picked him up. I know it’s not one of our friends because I made them all promise me they’d call me if they heard from him, and none of them have. He doesn’t really hang with anyone else, or at least he hasn't this summer. I know that because we have spent every free minute together.

Maybe he’s with someone from that record label, although I fail to see why any of them would bother driving to Lima to pick him up. Thinking about the record label though has me thinking about him upon that stage at The Vibe, how much he loves it, how good he is, but also how much I wished he and Sam never got that opportunity because if they hadn’t, Blaine would still be going to New York, and we would still be alright. I know it’s shitty of me to wish for him not to have this opportunity, but I can’t help it.

Then again, if he didn’t, I don’t know if he would have written and performed those songs for me. I think back at the night when he performed _Close Like This_ for the first time. I replay the song in my head, having memorized the lyrics by now because they are so special to me, like a recap of our relationship so far.

When I reach the second verse I stop, repeating that first line in my head. Why didn’t I think of that before? 

_Under the dark weeping willow tree  
I tell you my secrets, I’m hopeless I know_

I get up on my feet and push the door open. That’s the place he goes to when he needs to escape. The weeping willow. Ignoring the rain, I rush across the street and into the park. I run to the far east corner until I’m standing outside the thick, low hanging branches of the tree. I pause, catching my breath and trying to get my heart rate under control, before I slowly push the branches aside and walk into hidden room. 

The rain doesn’t penetrate the thick leafage, and the ground is dry in here. I’m anything but dry. My eyes immediately go to the bench where we once sat. Nobody is sitting on that bench today. But I see the shape of Blaine’s body lying there. His eyes are closed. I don’t know if he hasn’t heard me come in or if he’s just ignoring me, but he doesn’t move. I walk the short distance to the bench and stop when I’m standing right in front of it. There’s still no reaction from Blaine.

“Blaine?” I say in a cautious voice. I don’t know his state of mind, so I’m thinking it’s better to take it gently. Although I don’t think he has the right to be mad at me, if anything I should be mad at him. After all he’s the one who walked out on me, the one who refuses to talk to me, the one who is changing our plans for the future. But I want him to talk to me. I want to see if we can work this out, and if that means I have to ignore my feelings and tread lightly around him, then that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

When there’s still no reaction from him, I nudge his thigh gently with my knee. “Blaine, come on, I know you can hear me.”

He sits up, without looking at me, without saying anything. I sit down on the bench next to him, leaving space between us because I don’t know where we’re standing in our relationship, and I don’t want to experience him moving away from me. I look at him, willing him to look back at me, but he keeps staring into the space in front of him. I feel invisible, like I’m not even there, like he doesn’t care if I’m here making an effort or not. Honestly, I think he’d rather I walked away and left him alone again.

But I’m not letting him ignore me.

“Blaine,” I say again. When I still don’t get a reaction, I continue. “We need to talk about this.” Still no reaction. “You can’t ignore me forever, you know.” I move in closer and take his hand in mine. He pull it away from me and crosses his arms. 

I sigh quietly to myself. How did it get this bad? How did we end up in a place where he won’t talk to me, or where he flinches when I touch him? I try to think of a way to get through the thick walls that he has put up around himself. 

“I love you,” I say quietly, hoping it’s the one thing that will put a crack in those walls and break them down.

At first there is no response, and I feel anger build inside me. How can he be so fucking stubborn? How can he sit there and ignore me when I’m trying to save us?

But then I hear it. It’s quiet and barely audible, but it’s there. “I love you, too.”

“Then why won’t you talk to me? Why don’t you return my calls? Why did you tell me to not call you? Why aren’t you fighting for us? Why are you behaving as if I don’t mean anything to you?” I know I shouldn’t accuse him like this, not if I want him to start talking to me. It will probably only make him close in on himself even more. But I need him to react in some way.

“Because if I don’t talk to you, I can pretend that this isn’t happening…” Blaine murmurs, staring at the ground in front of him.

“But it is happening, Blaine, whether you pretend it or not. We have to talk about it.”

“What’s the point?” Blaine asks, his shoulders slumping, his voice resigned.

“ _The point?!_ ” I ask not believing he can be so despondent. “The point is us, Blaine. But maybe you don’t care about us anymore.”

“Of course, I do. But do you?”

I’m flabbergasted, and the anger that I felt before suddenly comes rushing back. How can he even say that?

“Who’s the one that’s been calling you nonstop since you ran out of my room on Friday? Who’s the one asking all of our friends if they’ve seen you or talked to you? Who begged them to call me if they heard from you? Who’s the one who just pounded so hard on your door that I woke your mom up, because I was convinced you were on the other side? Who’s the one that hasn’t been able to sleep or eat or breathe since you walked out on me and refused to talk to me?” 

The words come rushing out of me, hard and accusing and filled with venom. 

“You’re not the only one who hasn’t been able to sleep or breathe…” Blaine remains quiet and withdrawn while all I want him to do is react in some way. It doesn’t matter how, if he screams or throws a fit, I just want him to act as if I actually mean something to him.

“Yeah? Well, you have a funny way of showing it.”

“What’s the point, Kurt?” Blaine repeats. “You won’t change your mind, right? You still can’t be with me if I stay here?”

“I still think you should come to New York with me, if that’s what you’re asking,” I tell him.

“No, that’s not what I’m asking,” Blaine says, raising his voice. “I’m asking if you will still be my boyfriend even if I stay here while you move to New York!?”

He looks at me for the first time since I walked into his safe place. Even if he’s borderline yelling at me, I finally have some reaction from him.

I’m not able to deny his statement, but not ready to confirm it either, I answer the best way I can. “I don’t believe in long distance relationships.”

“That’s bullshit!” Blaine exclaims. “How do you know that, when you’ve never even tried one?”

“Why can’t you just come with me? Why can’t you postpone this record for a couple of years?” I ask purposely ignoring his question.

“I can’t!” Blaine yells. “It’s now or never. They won’t wait for years to do this with me.”

“How do you know that?” I ask.

“Because I asked...” Blaine breathes out slowly. “It’s now, and it’s in Columbus, or it’s not at all.”

I take a moment to let the words sink in. Now or never. It shouldn’t have to be that way. “But if they really want to do this with you, shouldn’t they be listening to what you want?” I ask, thinking that Blaine should have some saying in this, too. What kind of deal is he agreeing to otherwise?

“I want to do this. I need to do this, Kurt. It’s what I always dreamed of doing, I can’t give that up.”

“You will get other chances, Blaine. You’re so talented, I know you will. Please, move to New York with me. Live with me. Experience all the things we planned to with me. I love you, Blaine. _Please…_ ” I’m begging him. I know I’m begging him, but I feel the him slipping away from me.

“I’m staying here,” Blaine states.

“So that’s it?” I say feeling myself deflate. He has made up his mind. “You’re willing to just give up on us just like that?”

“No, Kurt, it’s not just like that. You’re the one who’s leaving, who’s not willing to try to see if we can make it work. You’re the one not willing to fight for us!”

“I’m not leaving you behind, Blaine. You’re the one who’s choosing to stay here. You’re the one changing all of our plans. I’m sorry, but I know it won’t work if you’re here, and I’m in New York.”

“That’s exactly my point! How do you know that without even giving it a try? Am I not worth the effort to you? Is it such an inconvenience for you to get on a fucking airplane every now and then?” Blaine keeps yelling at me, the anger he’s obviously been keeping in for days, spilling over and onto me.

“I can’t live like that Blaine. I can’t live in a once a month relationship, I need you with me every day,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t want us to end up fighting because someone forgot to call or because we can’t work around our different schedules to find time to talk. I don’t want us to end up resenting each other. If I can’t hold you and kiss you and sleep next to you, I can’t do this.” And suddenly the truth I’ve been hiding from for the last couple of days hits me. And it hits me hard. “If we can’t do that, then I think it’s better if we’re not together at all.”

It’s difficult to say, but I have to. I have to get it out in the open because this is what it all comes down to.

Blaine remains quiet for a while letting my words sink in. “Are you breaking up with me…?” he asks quietly. A single tear is rolling down his left cheek. More are pooling in the corner of his eyes.

“Are you staying here?” I ask one last time making sure that’s really what he’s decided.

“Yes.” Blaine answers firmly.

“Then, yes, I am…” My chest tightens when I utter the words that are the end to our relationship. It hadn’t crossed my mind that we would be breaking up. I was so convinced that I could persuade him to come with me, that I could get him to realize that he will get other chances like this. Even if I know it’s the right thing to do, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt like hell to do it.

“I can’t fucking believe this! I’ve done everything for you!” Blaine’s eyes are as dark as I’ve ever seen them, his whole body is stiff. “I became gay for you. I came out for you. I told our friends for you, and for what?! So that you can just leave me now when things get a little rough? When things don’t go your way and you have to do some of the work?!” 

“You don’t become gay, Blaine…”

“Whatever, Kurt!” Blaine snorts and glares at me, his anger clearly visible in his whole demeanor. “So this is it? You’re leaving me?”

“Blaine…”

“How can you not give us a chance? You’re my fucking everything, Kurt. Please, don’t do this to me.”

“It’ll be too hard, Blaine. I can’t do that to myself.” It’s hard to sit here and listen to him begging me not to leave him, but in the end, I have to protect myself if I’m going to be able to continue living.

“This is fucking too hard!” Blaine says exhausted. “Don’t you love me anymore?”

“I love you more than anything, Blaine. That won’t change just because we’re not together.”

“So why can’t we make it work? Why can’t we at least give it a try?” Blaine says, looking pleadingly at me. “I love you so much…”

“We can continue to discuss this for hours, Blaine, but we’re still going to end up in the same place.” This is not where I wanted us to end up, but I know this is the only way. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Like someone has reached into my chest, ripped my heart out, and torn it apart. But even though it hurts like hell, there’s also this calming feeling of knowing. Not knowing what was going on between us was hard, really hard, at least now I know.

“I still want us to be friends,” I say because even though we can’t be boyfriends right now, he’s still my best friend.

“Are you kidding me?!” Blaine’s voice is raised and looks at me like I’m crazy, like this is the most absurd thing he’s ever heard. “This is it, Kurt. Either we’re together or we’re not. I can’t be friends with you and be reminded every time we talk of what we could have been. That is too hard for me.”

It’s like the air has been sucked out of my lungs. I can’t breathe. This hurts impossibly more than breaking up with him. Through all of this, I always counted on us to remain friends, it didn’t even occur to me that we wouldn’t be.

“Why?” I say feeling the tears falling down my face. They’ve probably been falling for a while, but this is the first time I register them.

“Just as strongly as you believe we can’t make it if we’re not living together, I know I can’t be friends with you. Not anymore, not after this. I just can’t Kurt…”

“Please, Blaine,” I beg. “I can’t lose you that way, too.”

Blaine stands up, runs a hand through his hair, and straightens his shorts. He mumbles something I can’t entirely make out, but then he says, “I have to go now.”

“Blaine, no, don’t…” I say and reach for his hand.

Blaine takes a step backwards so that my hand is reaching into thin air and falls back to the empty space beside me.

“Goodbye, Kurt.”

Without looking at me, he turns around and walks away, separating the branches before they close again behind him. 

Just like that, he walks out of my life, maybe for good.

I don’t know how long I remain sitting on that bench, letting the tears fall down my face, thinking about everything I’ve lost.

Everything. I have lost everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think... :)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I forget to mention that this was going to be an emotional rollercoaster?? ;)  
> Thanks for all the comments on the last chapter, they've kept me smiling all weekend (even though some of you think that I'm cruel and hate me ;) )

**Kurt, Friday August 12th 2012, 11.45 pm**

It’s been two weeks since I last saw Blaine. Two weeks since he said goodbye and walked away. Two weeks of crying and questioning whether I did the right thing. Two weeks of not wanting to leave my bed. Two weeks of living with a constant ache in my chest. Two weeks of trying to contact Blaine, but only getting silence in return.

I know that technically I’m the one who broke up with him, and I know he doesn’t owe me anything, that I can’t expect him to want to talk to me or still want to be my friend. But I can’t get over the fact that he’s not in my life anymore. When he walked away, I think some part of me still expected that he would change his mind. Maybe not about staying here, because that would be too big a decision for him to change, but about not wanting us to be friends anymore. I thought that given a few days, he would realize that we could still be friends, that he would miss me not being a part of his life, and that he would call me back. Now I’m starting to realize that it’s not going to happen.

I have lost Blaine. He’s not mine anymore, not in any sense of the word.

I’ve spent most of the days in my bed, or on Ali’s bed. She has turned out to be my rock throughout this, always being there for me and giving me a shoulder to cry on. She doesn’t judge me or tell me I made the wrong decision, even if it might be what she’s thinking. She tries to cheer me up by telling crazy stories from her life to get me to laugh and forget about Blaine for a little while. Mostly though, she just dries my tears and listens to me repeating that I miss him and how I don’t understand how we ended up like this.

The nights are the worst. I haven’t spent many nights alone since Blaine and I became boyfriends, and I’ve sort of become used to having him next to me, wrapped around me, taking up all the space in the bed. Now my bed is just empty… I even miss the small snoring sounds he made when sleeping. My room is so quiet, and I would give anything to lie awake and listen to those sounds again. I don’t know how I was able to sleep before I started sharing my bed with Blaine because now it’s nearly impossible.

I often find myself lying awake until the wee hours of the night thinking about him. Thinking about everything that could have been if just one thing had been different. If Sam never got that gig. If Sam never invited Blaine to join him. If Blaine hadn’t accepted. If Blaine hadn’t been brave and performed that song he wrote for me. If Blaine have been grounded instead of Sam. If Sebastian hadn’t showed up and mentioned Blaine to his friends. 

If Blaine had chosen me over his lifelong dream.

I know I can’t falter him for the choices he’s made. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt as hell that he didn’t choose me. That I don’t wish that he could have seen that he could have lived his dream after he got his education, when we were older and our relationship was more solid. But I know he doesn’t think that he has that option. 

I’m glad I’ve got Ali because my other friends don’t seem to know how to act around me anymore. Or maybe it’s me who doesn’t know how to be around them. They have all these questions about me and Blaine that I don’t know how to answer. It’s not like I’m completely avoiding them, it’s just when we hang out, there tends to be these awkward, silent moments that no one seems to be able to fill. They want to ask about what’s happening between us, but they know I get uncomfortable when they do, so they hold back their questions, and instead there’s silence.

I tend not to spend time with them, it’s easier for everyone. I don’t know why I feel uneasy talking about what happened between us. It’s just that we’ve all been friends for so long, and I don’t want them to feel as though they have to choose sides. It’s easier if I do that for them. I’ve always felt as though they were Blaine’s friends more than mine anyway. Only Sam, who doesn’t seem to sense the awkward vibes surrounding us, is really talking to me.

Sam is the only person who Blaine appears to talk to these days. They’ve always had a strong connection, but even if they hadn’t, I guess the time they spend together in Columbus every Friday gives them a chance to talk. Or, maybe in this case, for Sam to ask the questions that nobody else is asking. Sam has no control of his mouth, and often it’s plain awkward having to listen to him, but these past weeks, it’s been a blessing for me. Sam is my only source to any information about Blaine.

The things he’s been telling me make me both sad and angry. Some truly heartbreaking things have happened to Blaine since we broke up, and I wished I could have been there for him because I know how angry and lost he must be. I wish I could hold him tight and tell him everything will be alright, but I can’t do that anymore.

A few days after Blaine and I broke up, he got a call from his brother. Cooper, who normally only calls him on his birthday (and on Christmas) but who had seemingly forgot it this year, called. Not to wish him a belated happy birthday as Blaine expected when he got the call, but to tell him that he had tracked down their father. The father who left them when he was five and never once tried to contact them again. Copper had told him that their dad was sick and only had a few months left to live. I think it was some form of cancer, but I couldn’t get a clear answer on that from Sam.

Cooper had said that Mr. Anderson wanted to see Blaine one last time before his time was up, and according to Sam, Blaine doesn’t know what to do. His father and Cooper are in California, and Blaine doesn’t have the money to fly out there. Even if he did, he isn’t sure he’d go anyway. He still blames his dad for leaving them and turning their mom into the wreck of a woman she became after he left. But then again, it’s his dad. It would be the last chance to reconcile with him, and I know that Blaine must be struggling so much with whether he should go or not.

I want to be there for him, but I don’t know how to when he’s shutting me out. I know that he needs me, but he’s too fucking proud to admit that to anyone - especially to himself. Knowing Blaine the way I do, I know how much he’s hurting right now, how his thoughts are spinning, and he can’t make any sense at all of them. It kills me that I can’t do anything to ease his worries, that I can’t hold him and sooth him and tell him we’ll figure this out together.

I’ve talked to my dad about Blaine’s dad because even though Blaine refuses to talk to me, and sensing he won’t get much support from his mom in this matter, he still needs someone. My dad has always been like Blaine’s dad, too, and Dad has always considered him family, so it only seems right that Blaine should at least know that there is one adult in his life that he can turn to if he needs to talk. Dad has called him several times, left numerous messages, but Blaine hasn’t returned a single one of them. It’s like he’s cutting us off completely when he needs us the most.

The thing with Blaine’s dad isn’t the only thing that’s happened to him though. Blaine and his mom, who were seemingly making great progress in getting their mother-son relationship back on track, are getting lost on that track again. According to what Sam told me, about one week after Blaine came out to his mom and our friends on his birthday, she told Donald, whom she’s been getting very attached to, about her son being gay. Donald turned out to be not as liberal as Pam about this and told her to straighten her son out, or she could forget about seeing him again. Pam, who appears to be falling back into old habits of letting men dictate her life, didn’t tell him to get the hell out of her life, but instead told Blaine to tone down his gayness (whatever that means) when he’s in Donald’s presence. 

Blaine, of course, refused to agree with that absurd idea. According to Sam, some not-so-nice words were exchanged between the two of them, and Blaine and his mom aren’t speaking to each other anymore. Sam says he hasn’t returned home since, but he’s not sure where Blaine is crashing.

I hate that we are not talking right now. I want to be there for him so badly. I want to tell him how proud I am of him for not backing down. For not letting other people decide who he can and cannot be. Especially when he’s been struggling so hard with finding his identity. I want to let him know how strong I think he is. But I can’t because we’re not friends anymore. I wish there was a way I could tell him that even though he doesn’t consider me his friend, I still think of him my best friend, and he can still talk to me. 

Today is my last day in Lima. Tomorrow I’m moving to New York. I’m looking forward to it and equally dreading. I wish I were leaving under different circumstances. I wish I were leaving with Blaine instead of leaving him here. Or wherever it is he’s staying these days. 

_God, I hate not knowing where he is or how he’s doing..._

The day has been spent packing and with my dad running around the house asking me at least fifty times if I have remembered to pack everything. At one point, I asked him what kind of question that was because he needed to be a little more specific than _everything_ for that to be helpful.

I had a going away dinner with Dad, Carole and Finn, which Carole cooked for me at her home. It was the first time the four of us have had dinner together, and it felt kind of weird sitting at the same table as Finn. He was one of the most popular kids in school, and I never in a million years pictured us having dinner together. He’s kind of cool though and much nicer than I thought he would be. I know it’s a bit shallow of me, but I expected him to be this cocky quarterback type of guy, especially since he’s always seen with one or another of the cheerleaders in his arm. But I actually couldn’t be more wrong. He even hugged me goodbye and wished me good luck in New York.

Thinking about not being here anymore scares me. Leaving Dad behind, even though he’s in good hands with Carole, is scary. Moving to the unknown is scary. For so long, I was counting on Blaine being by my side, and with him by my side, nothing really scared me. But now… Just thinking about being alone in the big city, a city which I’ve never been to before, it scares the living daylights out of me.

I thought about driving to Columbus tonight just so that I could see him one last time. But when Carole invited us to dinner that wasn’t an option anymore. Now I’m thinking about texting him, just to tell him that I’m leaving tomorrow. Not that it will make a difference, not that it will change anything. I just feel like I should tell him. Give him a final chance to come and see me.

In the end, I don’t send him any text. I know it’s pointless, and I can only torture myself for so long wishing he could change his mind. He’s had two weeks with numerous texts and calls and pleas to call me back - one last text won’t change the fact that he has decided to end all connections with me, to cut me out of his life completely.

With tears slowly running down my face, I lie in my bed staring up at the ceiling. Even though it’s close to midnight, I know sleep isn’t coming anytime soon. I wonder where Blaine is sleeping tonight. 

_Why can’t I stop thinking about him?_

Angry tears are mixed with sad ones. I love him so much. How can this be the end? How can it be the end when I still love him and he still loves me? I know the answer, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. It doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t feel like it’s been shredded into a million little pieces, scattered all over, with no possibility to ever find them all and put them together in the right place. These are the same thoughts that have been keeping me awake every night for the past couple of weeks.

I close my eyes to stop the tears from falling. To stop myself from falling deeper into the same downward spiral. When I turn to take my sketch pad, which by now holds several drawings of Blaine, I hear a key being inserted into the lock of my door. There’s a slow turning of the key followed by the handle slowly being pushed down. My heart immediately starts pounding in my chest. Butterflies I haven’t felt for weeks are back in my belly. There’s only one person, except me and my dad, who has a key to our house. My dad is upstairs sleeping, so this can only mean one thing.

I sit up on my bed and watch as Blaine enters and closes the door behind him. The room is dark but I can clearly make out his silhouette, a silhouette I would recognize anywhere. I sit in silence, not wanting to speak or move for fear of making him turn around and leave. I don’t know why he’s here, and I’m waiting for him to make the first move, to speak the first words. It has to be him.

He toes off his shoes and shrugs out of his jacket, leaving it on the floor by the door. He’s not planning on leaving in an instant. I take that as a good sign. He stays hesitantly by the door for a couple of moments before he walks over to my bed. He looks at me, our eyes meet, but he doesn’t say anything. Neither do I. I’m determined to wait him out. He needs to be the one to make the first move.

He sits down close next to me and surprises me with leaning in and kissing me. His lips part, and his tongue is probing against my lips. I part my lips and let his tongue wander into my mouth. God, how I have missed kissing him. The kiss takes my breath away as our tongues swirl together in the most delicious of dances. He cups my face with both his hands and pulls me even closer. I wrap my arms around his neck and let my fingers wander into his hair. I close my eyes and let out a low gasp when he sucks on my tongue. His kisses still taste like heaven.

But wait, this is wrong, we shouldn’t be doing this. Not before we talk, not before I understand why he is here and what this means.

I break the kiss, but don’t let go of him. I can’t let go of him now that he’s here. I don’t ever want to let go of him. So even if Blaine lets go of my face, my arms are still wrapped around his shoulders.

“Blaine…” I start, not really knowing how to continue.

“Ssch, Kurt, please don’t say anything,” Blaine starts. “I’m here because you’re leaving tomorrow, but it doesn’t change anything, so don’t start analyzing it. I just couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye.”

If nothing has changed, why is he kissing me?

I think know the answer. It’s the same reason I so easily kissed him back. Because I still love him, and even if this kiss doesn’t change anything, I can’t turn off my feelings. We don’t have to talk about it. It’s enough that we both know. But there are other things that I want talk about.

“Are you okay?” I ask. “I heard about your dad and about your mom and Donald. How are you holding up? Where are you sleeping? I wish I could have been there for you through all of this. I miss you Blaine…”

There’s so many questions I want to ask him, so many answers that I need.

“Can we not talk about that tonight?” He asks. “I need you to hold me, Kurt... please, just hold me.” There’s desperation and pain in his voice.

“Of course,” I tell him and open up my arms to give room to all of him. He places himself on the open space between my legs, wraps his legs around my waist, his arms around my back, and squeezes me hard. His head is resting in the crock of my neck. He is clinging to me like his life depended on it. I hug him back, sensing that this is what he needs more than anything right now. He needs the comfort that only my closeness can bring him. I don’t know how he’s dealing with the things he’s going through, but I know he needs me, and I’m not about to deny him that. No matter how we ended things or the nothingness that has existed since.

We don’t need to talk tonight. He’s here and maybe that means we can be something again. Not boyfriends because the fact that he is staying and I am leaving hasn’t changed, but maybe we can find a way to stay connected.

“I want you to make love to me,” Blaine says into my neck after minutes of silence. Minutes of me just holding him. His voice is a little shaky with what I think is nervousness. Or fear of rejection maybe?

I know we shouldn’t do this, not after two weeks of silence, not after how things ended between us. Not after the mess we have created between ourselves. But I can’t say no. I couldn’t deny him this. I couldn’t deny myself this - no matter how much I know I should. 

“Okay,” I whisper into the darkness. I’m not strong enough to say no, even if that’s the right thing to do. I’ve missed him so much, and now he’s here. How can I say no? I’m going to do as he asked me a few minutes ago – not analyze what this means. I’m just going to let myself get lost in the moment and deal with the consequences tomorrow. 

I know he wants me to take charge, to control the situation, so that’s exactly what I do. I pull back his head from my shoulder so that we’re face to face. I place kisses on his forehead, on both of his closed eyes, his nose and then his lips. When our lips meet, he parts his and our tongues meet. I move my hands from his shoulders down his back. When I reach the hem of his t-shirt, I sneak my fingertips inside and run them along the bare skin up his back. He trembles when my fingers touch him, and I can feel the goosebumps forming.

I remove his t-shirt and notice the key I gave him for his birthday still hanging around his neck. A flutter runs through my belly as I try not to think about what that means. I trace my fingers over it and look at Blaine. He looks back, biting his lower lip, gently taking my hand in his and removing it. It’s like he doesn’t want to be reminded of the key or the meaning behind it. Wherever I live, it’s your home, too. My heart sinks a little thinking that although the words are still true to me, they aren’t to Blaine. Maybe Blaine is doing the right thing in not wanting to be reminded of that.

I proceed to take off my pajama top and press our chests against each other. The cool metal of the key makes me shiver when it falls on my collarbone, but I try not to think about it. Instead I kiss him. A small moan escapes Blaine’s lips when our chests touch. The moan goes straight to my crotch, and I feel myself becoming hard. I try to remember what Blaine likes, what makes him moan and squirm under my touch, because I want to make this night as memorable and pleasurable as possible. I don’t have to try very hard, those are things that are imprinted in my brain, things that I will likely never forget.

My lips leave his and instead trail kisses along his jawline down his neck. He tilts his head back and moans again when my lips find that spot on his neck where there is now only a faded memory of the mark I used to leave. I bite gently on the skin, making Blaine gasp, and then suck the skin into my mouth, making sure to leave a mark that will be visible for days, maybe weeks after I leave. I’m marking him as mine, even though he isn’t, but anyone who sees him is going to know who put that mark there.

Blaine starts rocking his hips, connecting our groins, pressing his hard cock against mine. Now it’s my turn to moan. _God, this feels so good_. I become even harder when his cock touches mine, and I thrust up in an attempt to meet his motion. We continue to rock against each other while kissing and tracing fingers all over our upper bodies. When our movements become too intense, too needy, I change our position, lie him down on my bed and sit down on his thighs. I don’t want to come like that, with our pants still on. I want to press inside him and feel his tight heat around my cock.

Blaine groans a little in frustration at the loss of friction, but the groan quickly turns into a moan when I start stroking him above his pants. His hard cock swells even more under my touch, and I can’t wait any longer to feel it in my hand again. I unzip his pants, pull them down and off. I then place my mouth just above the thin fabric covering his cock and breathe out a warm puff of air. Blaine’s breath catches in his throat, and I see the damp spot growing on his underwear. 

It makes me smile that he’s already so turned on by what I am doing to him. I kiss my way up his length, and when I reach the waistband of his underwear, I pull them down, slowly releasing his hard cock. I let him kick off his underwear while I focus on that beautiful head. I let my tongue slide along his slit so that I can taste his pre-cum. Blaine squirms beneath me, and I know I’m going to make him come more than once tonight.

I take his hard cock into my mouth and start sucking up and down his length. I relax my throat as much as I can and don’t find it difficult to keep sucking him when he hits the back of my throat. Blaine is doing his best to hold his body still and not thrust up as I continue to suck him. I slide one finger into my mouth, alongside his dick and suck on it too to make it wet. When I pull it out, I use my remaining fingers to separate his ass cheeks so that I can place my finger on his hole. Blaine moans a ‘fuck’ when I circle my finger around his hole and then slowly push it in, through the first ring of muscles. I pull back a little and then push it even farther inside of him, all while I’m still sucking him.

“S-stop.” Blaine stutters, “I’m gonna come if you keep doing that.”

“That’s sort of the idea.” I tell him without hiding the smugness in my voice. My mouth returns to his cock, and I continue to suck him and move my finger in and out of his ass.

“But I… _shit…_ I want to… _fuck that’s good…_ I want to feel you inside me,” Blaine finally manages to get out.

“Oh, you will,” I tell him and start stroking him with my hand, “but first, I’ll make you come like this.” If this night is the last night I will ever have with him, I’m going to make it a memorable one.

“ _Oh fuck..._ ” is all Blaine manages to say.

I take him in my mouth again, tasting more pre-cum now, knowing that this means he’s close to exploding in my mouth. When his legs tighten, and he fists the sheets, I know he’s seconds away from coming. As I take him deep and sweep my finger across his prostate, I hear and feel him reaching his climax. Hot cum is filling my mouth. I swallow it all, loving the taste of him on my tongue.

I suck him until there’s no more cum and his cock is going soft. I then move up to kiss him, to let him taste himself. It’s a thing we always do. Did. It’s a thing we always did, I correct my own thoughts. We don’t have a thing anymore. _Shit..._

No. I’m not letting my head ruin this night. I’ll worry about stuff like that tomorrow, or another day. Or not at all.

I roll off of him and reach for my bedside drawer where I still keep lube and condoms. I make a mental note to remember to pack them before I leave tomorrow. I lay the condom on the bedside table and take the bottle of lube with me as I sit back down between his legs. I hesitate for a second, questioning again if we really should be doing this. Wouldn’t the right thing be to talk about what’s going on between us first, or why he’s been avoiding me or, I don’t know, where do we go from this? But he was pretty clear on that point, this doesn’t change anything. Am I really okay with that? I turn to my gut feeling and realize that although I’m not okay with his decision to stay here, I am okay with giving us this night together. No strings, just two boys in love, giving each other everything before there is nothing.

I look down at Blaine, who is still recovering from his (first) orgasm. He’s beautiful. I’ve never seen a more beautiful man in my life. This realization is not new to me, but I still take a second to appreciate his beauty. His messy, dark curls, that I love to run my fingers through. His flawless face with the most amazing hazel colored eyes that I so easily can get lost in, and his red, kiss-swollen lips. His sun-tanned, toned chest with small brown nipples that harden when I touch or suck on them. His soft stomach with the smoothest skin. His now soft, pink cock that I know just how to get hard and bring to mind-blowing orgasms. His strong thighs which tremble when I place kisses on their insides.

I realize that I’m memorizing every inch of his body. Memorizing so that I can remember him even when he’s long gone. I don’t ever want to forget him, forget what he looks like, what he smells like, what he feels like.

I place both of my hands on his chest and trail my fingers across, feeling him. I continue down his stomach, brush over his cock (which makes him shudder), and up his thighs. I bend my head down and swipe my tongue slowly along the inside of his left thigh. I then do the same on his right thigh. He shudders again. I want to be inside him. I need to be inside him. More than I need air to breathe, I need to be inside Blaine.

I quickly undress, take the bottle of lube, open it, and pour a blob into my hand. I coat my fingers and move my hand to his hole. My first finger slides in easily, Blaine still a little stretched from when my finger was inside him before.

“Already?” Blaine grunts, still spent from his orgasm. I can see how his cock hardens from having my finger up his ass, and I wonder if the uttered word was meant for me or for his cock. His initial grunt is quickly followed by an “ _Oh God... fuck..._ ” when my finger starts moving in and out of him. 

His eyes, which have been closed during my visual exam of him, now open and our gazes meet. My heart is thumping harder than normal. I love him so much. The words almost slip out of my mouth, but I stop myself in the last second. Telling him that now might scare him. It might make him think I’m reading more into this than he wants me to. That in turn, might make him want to stop and leave. I don't want to stop, and I don’t want him to leave.

Instead I smile. I don’t want this to end. I don’t ever want this night to be over. I love him so much, and I can’t stand the thought of this night ending. He smiles back - a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, a sad smile that makes me wonder what thoughts are passing through his head. But I don’t want to get distracted by thoughts of what might be happening inside his head. I don’t want him to get distracted by that either, so I add a second finger. Pushing them both in swiftly, making him moan and close his eyes again.

I scissor my fingers, stretching him, preparing him for me, brushing over his prostate whenever I can, making him moan and writhe and jerk his hips up from the bed. I quickly add a third finger, my need to be inside him returning fast at the sounds he’s making.

When I’ve stretched him enough, I pull out my fingers. Blaine whimpers at the lost, and I quickly lean over to the nightstand to grab the condom.

Blaine’s fingers grab my forearm, and I’m momentarily stopped in my track. “Don’t,” he says.

“Don’t?” I ask confused. Don’t what? _Don’t fuck me?_ God, I hope that’s not what he means.

“I want to feel you inside me,” Blaine says.

“And you will,” I answer. “I’m just gonna-“

“I want to feel _you_ , without a condom,” Blaine clarifies quickly and cuts me off before I get the chance to finish my sentence. “Is that okay…?” He adds tentatively.

Is that okay? All the risks involved in that run through my head. I know I’m clean, I’ve never been with anyone else.

“I always used condoms with my girlfriends,” Blaine says sensing my hesitation. “And with you. You know there hasn’t been anyone else.”

“Okay. Yes,” I say without hesitation because the thought of feeling Blaine clench around my cock without the condom as a barrier turns me on to no end. It’s something I never knew I wanted until he just suggested it, but now that the words are out there, there’s no other way I can imagine doing this.

Blaine lets go of my arm, and I lean down and kiss him. For a moment, I get lost in the kiss and our groins moving together, his hard dick sliding against mine. But then I remember what’s about to happen, and I break our kiss to sit back up again. I coat my cock with lube, plenty of it because I don’t want to hurt him, and line it up against his hole. I look up at him, checking that he’s okay, that he really wants to do this. He looks back at me and gives me a small, reassuring nod. There’s a new kind of smile on his face now. He looks peaceful and more relaxed than he’s been since he sat down on my bed.

I push into him slowly, wanting to feel everything as it happens. Wanting to memorize it. I don’t stop until I’m fully inside him. I’ve never felt anything like this. The heat, the tightness, the inside of his ass against the skin of my cock. The sensory overload is almost too much, and I have to remind myself to breathe. And move.

I pull out slowly and push in just as slow again. I want this moment to last, knowing that if I move too fast, I will come. And I don’t ever want to come. I just want to stay inside him forever. I want to forget about New York, forget about record deals, forget about broken hearts, and just stay in this moment.

Even realizing that that is an impossible task, I still continue to go slow, moving in and out of his tight ass in the most delicious, torturous pace. I notice that he’s quiet, which is unusual for him when we have sex. He usually moans and curses and releases all kinds of absurdities, but not tonight. When I look down on him though, I see the pleasure he’s feeling on his face. Damn, his face is more beautiful than I’ve ever seen it before. 

I lean down and kiss him, not able to resist when he looks so fucking irresistible. When he’s here on my bed, when maybe this is the last time I will see him in a long time.

Blaine cries out from the change of position when I lean down. “Sorry,” I say and begin to push myself up again.

Blaine grabs my arms. “No, no, it’s good. Stay here like this.”

I pin his hands above his head and kiss him again, capturing his warm lips against mine. I kiss him like I’ve never kissed him before, like it’s the last time I will ever kiss him. Maybe it is. Although I don’t want to think about that now, I have to tell myself again. _Stay in the present_. Enjoy the hell out of this moment. Don’t worry about tomorrow. 

I thrust forward again and again, driving myself deeper and deeper inside him. I feel the heat in my stomach, feel my balls tightening, and with a quiet shout, I come in his ass. Long pulsing jets that aren’t caught by a condom but leak out around my cock as I shudder. I thrust weakly again and again in a never ending orgasm. I’ve never felt anything this intense, this intimate.

It takes a few seconds of recovery, of me holding myself up by still pinning his hands above his head, before I realize that, shit, I forgot all about Blaine’s orgasm. I got lost in my own, and I was holding both of his hands above his head with no possibility for him to touch himself. _Fuck_ , I’m a crappy boyfriend. No, wait, not boyfriend. Friend? Lover? One night stand? Fuck, I’m a crappy something.

I let go of Blaine’s hands, to take his cock in my hand and give him that second orgasm I promised him. But when I look down on the body below me, I see to my surprise that he has already come without any stimulation except my dick in his ass. The strings of cum decorating his stomach is evidence of that.

“You already… how did you…” I trail off, amazed at the realization that he came just from that.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Blaine says, suddenly sounding colder and harder than before when he begged me to make love to him. Or is that just my imagination? He gently pushes me away from him and gets up from the bed.

I feel my heart sink. _Is this it?_ I don’t know what I was expecting to happen afterwards, hell I hardly know why he’s here. But I know that I don’t want him to walk away.

“A-are you… leaving?” I ask in a voice a lot more shaky and begging than I intended to.

I don’t know if it’s the pleading tone in my voice, or the scared look on my face, or something else, but his features softens slightly. 

“I don’t know… do you want me to?”

Does he sound nervous? I feel like I don’t know what to expect from him anymore. I used to know everything about him. I used to be able to predict what he was going to say and do. But then he decided to change everything - everything we had planned, everything we had promised each other. Now it’s like I don’t know him at all. I don’t know why he’s been avoiding me for two weeks or why he suddenly decided to turn up here tonight. I don’t know if he’s nervous or if he’s just not caring.

“No… Can you stay tonight?” I know I’m asking a lot here, but I want to cling on to him for as long as possible.

Blaine shrugs. “Okay. I really need that shower though.”

I see my cum dripping down his leg and his own running down his stomach. I nod at him, he does need that shower. 

He walks away to the bathroom and returns fifteen minutes later. Fifteen minutes were I have had plenty of time to come up with a whole new set of questions that I need him to answer. Like, where does this leave us now? Will he stop ignoring me? Can we be friends again? 

He crawls down in the bed next to me and spoons me from behind. He wraps his arm around me and holds me tight. He smells like my shampoo, his hair still a little damp when he presses his head against my shoulder. I breathe in and relax and decide that those questions will have to wait until tomorrow. I haven’t slept properly for three weeks, and all that missed sleep suddenly washes over me like a tide of sleepiness. Back in Blaine’s arms again, I can finally relax and let go of the tension and worries that have been building inside me. I still don’t have any answers, and we’re still broken up, but he’s here. He came to me. That must mean something.

I fall asleep wrapped up in him, knowing we’re one step closer to finding our way through this mess we’ve created. It might not be pretty, but neither has all the steps on our road been so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An enormous thank you to roxymusicandlayers for all the hours you put in on betaing this! My writing life wouldn't be half as fun without you ❤
> 
> Since the next two chapters are very short, I will again do an extra update on Tuesday, then two more later this week.
> 
> Okay, let me know your thoughts on this chapter :)


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little Blaine if you've been missing him :)

**Blaine, Saturday August 13th 2012, 2.43 am**

This was a mistake. Coming here, seeing Kurt, having the most amazing sex of my life was definitely a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I can’t be here. I thought coming here, saying goodbye to him would make him leaving easier, but now I realize it will only make it so much fucking harder. I can’t do this. I can’t lie here next to him knowing that in a few hours, he will be gone. _Gone…_ Out of my life as if he was never really in it, as if everything up to now doesn’t count. Because what was the point of us falling in love when we can’t be together? When we can’t make it fucking work!

I lie awake next to Kurt, listening to him sleeping next to me. There’s no way I could sleep now, how could I with him lying here breathing next to me? Soon he will be in another city, in another state. In another life. How can my life continue when all worth living for will soon be gone? It seems so unfair that everyone else keeps on living their lives as if mine hadn’t shattered, but it has, and I don’t know how to pick up the pieces and go on.

I didn’t have a plan when I came here. I’m still so mad at him for not giving us a chance when he moves away. I still think it’s bullshit that he thinks that we can’t make it work. I know we can. I believe in us, but Kurt doesn’t, and that stings. I’ve been avoiding him since he broke up with me because seeing him but not being able to touch him, talking to him but not being able to kiss him, would have killed me inside, and it just seemed easier to not put myself in that situation. He’s the one leaving me, refusing to give us a chance, so why does he insist on calling me? What’s the point in seeing each other for another couple of weeks when it will only result in me hurting even more when he actually leaves Lima? So, yes, cutting him out of my life seemed like the only right thing to do.

But I just needed to see him tonight, to touch him, to kiss him, before he left. I needed to forget why I was mad at him, and pretend that everything wasn’t fucked up, just for one night. I thought that if I did, I could maybe get some closure. If I could kiss him one last time, then my heart would finally find some rest. Only it isn’t closure, and my heart is hurting more than before. This whole night will only remind me of what I’ll be missing by following the dream I’ve had much longer than I’ve been in love with Kurt.

I definitely didn’t plan on us having sex. It’s just that Kurt’s kiss offered me such comfort, and the fact that he was worried about me and instantly opened his arms and wrapped himself around me when I asked him to hold me even though I’ve been ignoring all his calls and texts, it made my walls crack and tumble. I don’t know why, but I half expected him to push me away and treat me the same way I’ve been treating him. But I should have known that Kurt isn’t like that. He’s a much better person than I can ever hope to be. 

I don’t know how he knows about all the things going on in my life right now, but he does and he cares, which once again proves how truly beautiful he is - inside and out. I don’t know what I’ll do about my dad. He didn’t give a shit about us when he left, so why should I care about him now? But then again, he’s my dad, and even though I never expected to see him again, now that I can, should I really pass that opportunity? 

And my mom… I thought she had moved past the stage where she let men make her decisions for her, that she was focusing on us, on rebuilding our relationship. I guess I couldn’t have been more wrong. I haven’t spoken to her since she asked me to tone down the _gayness_. What a fucking ridiculous thing to say! When have I ever flaunted being gay in someone’s face? I just came out for God's sake! Just thinking about it makes me so fucking mad. I’ve only been home (if that’s even what it is anymore) a few times when I know she’s been at work. 

I’ve mostly been staying with Jeff in Columbus. We’ve gotten to know each other quite well, ever since I made that call and asked him about the possibilities to record my songs in New York instead of Columbus. He’s been kind enough to let me crash on his couch. His boyfriend doesn’t seem to care too much, he’s a nice guy, they both are. They don’t ask too many questions. They just let me be, and when I’m not in a bad mood, they actually invite me to stuff they’re doing. But I know I can’t stay there much longer. I need to find some place of my own to live. God knows where I’ll find the money to do that, but I’ll figure it out. I’ve always been welcome here, but I can’t come here anymore.

_God, why must everything be so fucked up!?_

I hate my life right now. The only thing that keeps me going is working with Jeff and the guys in the studio. Or maybe not working, mostly hanging out and getting to know each other, playing around with music. They want me to record _Beautiful Mess_ , but I’ve said no. That song is Kurt’s. It reminds me too much of him. I can’t sing that song when I’m still so mad, and just the thought of singing it makes me queasy. 

Kurt moves a little in my arms, which pulls my focus back to the present. He settles in closer to me, and I allow myself to hold him and smell him and just feel him. Beautiful Kurt, the man I will always love but cannot have. My heart aches at the thought. This beautiful man, with a beautiful heart and the most caring soul. That he still cares so much for me made me dared to ask for the one thing I was secretly wishing for but hadn’t been brave enough to admit even to myself.

The most amazing sex doesn’t even begin to describe what we experienced tonight. Skin against skin, his bare cock inside me without any barrier… I didn’t even know it could feel like that. I will never feel that again because Kurt is leaving, and I am not. Kurt is moving to New York, and I am staying in Ohio, and even though it was my decision to stay, it feels fucking unfair. 

When he asked me _Can you stay?_ I wanted to scream; _Yes! Can you? Please stay with me, don’t leave me_. But nothing I say can make him stay. Nothing I do can change the fact that he’s leaving for New York tomorrow. Because his plan has always been going there, it’s I who changed my plans. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision considering what I’m losing. But then I remember that I wouldn’t be losing anything if Kurt weren’t so fucking stubborn. 

But if my love for him isn’t enough to make him want to find a way to work this out, then there is no future for us. Then our love isn’t as strong as I believed.

I press the palm of my hands against my eyes to stop the tears that are threatening to erupt. Fuck! Coming here was definitely a mistake. I need to leave. I can’t be here when Kurt wakes up, can’t have him look at me with those stinging blue eyes that will make my heart break beyond repair, can’t feel his fingertips touching my skin, his touch remaining like a lingering ghost long after he’s gone.

I look at the sleeping man in my arms for a few seconds before I untangle myself from him. I find my clothes on the floor and put them back on. I walk around the bed to the side he is facing. I bend down and place a soft kiss on his cheek.

“I love you. Goodbye, Kurt,” I whisper into his ear. A tear lands on his cheek. I’ve been crying for two weeks, but tonight the tears are somehow sadder. This is it. This is goodbye. 

Quietly, so not to wake Kurt up, I close the door behind me. With a heart aching more than I thought was humanly possible, and with tears streaming down my face, I leave Kurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted on Thursday.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you remember how I in the beginning of this story wrote that _This is going to be a long, slow moving story that will take place over the course of five years, starting in 2012 and ending up in 2017_? This is where I will start to move this story five years forward in time. In six chapters, one for each year, you will get small glimpses of what their lives are like apart. How they deal with the break up and move forward (?). Four of the chapters will be from Kurt's POV and two from Blaine's. The first three will be Kurt's. For obvious reasons the chapters will have a slightly different feel to them than what you are used to (maybe not this first one), but I hope that you'll still enjoy them.
> 
> I also figured out that this story will be 55 chapters long, so even after these six there is still a lot to come. This first one is short, but the others will be longer (but not my usual 12k ;) , although there will be more 12k chapters later on).

**Kurt, Saturday November 19th 2012, 7.04 pm**

Tears are slowly running down my cheeks. I’ve been crying for hours, and I can’t stop. I’ve been lying here all day, and I can’t make myself get out of bed. Today has been a particularly bad day, but I don’t know what brought it on. Sometimes it all just washes over me, and I can’t stop crying.

Actually, I’ve been crying for months. I’ve been crying since I woke up in an empty bed after a night that left me feeling complete and broken at the same time. I’m living with a constant ache in my chest. There’s a hole in my heart. A hole with the shape of Blaine.

I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what to do. I miss him so much, and I can’t stop thinking about him. I hate New York. I _hate_ it here. I’m lost and lonely, and I don’t know what I’m doing. How can I live my life when the biggest part of me is missing, when he’s somewhere else and refuses to talk to me? I don’t know what he is doing, how he’s doing, where he is…

I miss him so much it hurts. We used to share everything, and now there’s nothing. How am I supposed to move on from everything to nothing? How am I supposed to get through my days without knowing if he’s okay or not? How am I supposed to move on when I still love him?

I didn’t expect him to still be there when I woke up that morning after he came to me. Not really. Not when he’d been avoiding me for two weeks and clearly had no intention to change his mind. Not when he didn’t want to talk about us or what was happening in his life. But I thought that with time, we’d be okay because that night made me realize that maybe we weren’t completely damaged. Maybe we could still fix things between us. 

After all, he came to me, and I thought that must have meant something. I refused to believe it was just about sex. It couldn’t have been, that’s not who my Blaine is. I hoped he just needed some more time, maybe not days but surely not more than a few weeks, or a month, to gather his thoughts, and then he would come to me. He would realize that he couldn’t continue with some sort of contact either. I was wrong. It’s been over three months, and he’s as absent now as he was then.

Did I make the wrong decision? Would it have been better to stay together even though we could only see each other every other month? I know I would have been miserable if we did, but I’m miserable now, too. So what’s the difference? At least we would still be talking. Now there’s just nothing, and I don’t know how to deal with that.

I just want to hold him. I wish I could hold him one more time and tell him that I love him. Tell him that no matter what, I will always love him. But he won’t talk to me. How am I supposed to let him know that I love him, that I still love him, if he won’t talk to me? How am I supposed to get through life without him?

I often think back at that night. How everything was perfect for a few moments before it all crashed again. I remember every detail, every kiss, every touch, every sensation. I can still see him lying naked on my bed, can still picture every detail of his body. My sketchpad is filled with those images. 

I don’t know why I’m torturing myself with these memories, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m staring up at the ceiling, with tears flowing out of me in a never-ending stream. I have tried to move on - God knows I’ve tried. I’ve tried to make new friends. I have tried to enjoy everything that New York has to offer. But I hate everything about this place. I hate my dorm room. It’s small and crowded, and there’s not enough space to put all of my things. I hate my roommate. He’s loud and has loud friends that are constantly here. I’m rarely here. I spend most of my time at school, staying late doing homework or working on some design idea. Or I just go to some random coffee shop.

But I’m not enjoying any of it. It’s not what I expected it to be. Nothing is the way I thought it would be… I had so many plans. Plans of what Blaine and I would do once we got to New York. Places to visit, sights to see. Central Park, the Empire State Building, the Brooklyn Bridge… All the touristy things. I’ve been to all these places, but I haven’t enjoyed any of them. It’s not the same. Not without him.

In all this, not only did I lose the only person I’ve ever loved, but I lost my best friend, too. That’s my biggest regret - that we couldn’t stay friends. That hurts more than anything. Even before we became boyfriends, we had plans to do this together - move here, discover ourselves here and become adults here. Doing it by myself is not even half as exciting. It sucks.

It sucks because I’m always alone. When I discover something new in this city, I want to turn to my side and share it with Blaine, but he’s not there. I want to call him and tell him things I know he would be excited about, but there’s nothing but silence. I’m trying so hard to be okay with it and not cry. Some of the times I manage, but most of the time I fail and I just want someone to hold me while I cry. Not someone. Only him. I would give anything to feel his arms around me again.

I know I should try harder to make new friends, but I can’t find it in me to make the effort. What’s the point really? Why do you need friends when all they end up doing is breaking your heart? Besides who would want to be friends with someone who only wants to curl up in his bed and cry? Who only wishes that the world would leave him alone so that he can cry and be miserable on his own? Someone who can’t see how it’s possible to smile in a world where nothing seems worth living for.

I keep staring up at the ceiling, my vision becoming blurry from all the tears. I’ve stopped wiping them away, there’s no point anymore since I don’t know how to stop them from coming. I hear voices in the hallway outside my room. They’re coming closer. I hear at least three people laughing. I hope they will continue past my door. I hope it’s someone else. I hear them stop and open the door to my room. Great, my roommate and his friends are back…

I turn to face the wall, pretending to be asleep. It’s 7 pm on a Saturday, but I don’t care what they think about me. Maybe if they think I am sleeping, they will leave again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now I'll go back to updating twice/week. Hope to see you on Sunday :)


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention that at the beginning of each chapter you can as usual see whose POV the chapter is in, but also what year the chapter takes place.

**Kurt, Sunday April 23rd 2013, 5.17 pm**

“You know you need to do this, Kurt,” Ali says. “I know you think that you’re not ready, but we both know you’re more than ready. It’s time. Let’s get it out of the way, and then we can go out and have fun.”

Ali has come to visit me in New York for the weekend. She has remained my friend even after I moved away from Lima. She’s pretty much the only one I talk to from back home - except my dad of course. And Carole. And sometimes Finn, since we spent Christmas together. I barely have any contact with my old friends. Except sporadic phone calls with Quinn and Tina. Phone calls that are becoming more and more infrequent. More and more impersonal. More and more like we’re acquaintances and not friends. I don’t know why we’re drifting apart or why we’re not doing anything about it. Maybe it’s just life and being busy with new friends. Maybe it’s me not wanting to be reminded of Blaine and everything I’m missing through them. 

Ali never gave up on me, even when I didn’t want to talk to anyone. She told me to get my head out of my ass, grow up and face reality. With big portions of love and humor, of course, otherwise she wouldn’t be Ali. She’s put up with me when I’m sure most people wouldn’t, and we’ve become very close because of it. Now she’s here to “check out” different campuses she wants to apply to before she moves here in the fall to study. At least that’s what she’s told her parents, but she already knows where she wants to study. Her real reason for coming here was to see me (and to party).

“Yes, come on, Lady Hummel, hurry up so that we can get going!” A very impatient Santana fills in from the other end of the living room. “Okay, so which one?” She’s holding up two different outfits she’s selected for the evening. _Lady Hummel_ is her endearing nickname for me, one which I’m not particularly fond of, but I let her use it because I figured it could be a lot worse.

Santana is one of my very unlikely roommates. She’s a friend of the guy I used to share my dorm room with. The guy, Matt, turned out to be a nice guy once I crawled out of my shell and started to talk to him. So were his loud friends. One of his loud friends was Santana. I think she kind of adopted me that first time we talked to each other. For some reason, she liked the quiet guy that I was then and took me under her wings. At first I found her annoying, but she’s grown on me. She’s still loud, but I’ve learnt to love her despite of it. Funny thing – Santana doesn’t even go to college, yet she loves college parties and hardly misses the opportunity to attend one.

“Don’t stress him, Santana. You know this is a big deal to him. Give him time to gather his thoughts,” Rachel calls from the kitchen.

Rachel is my other unlikely roommate. Rachel, who actually attends college and is sure she’ll be the next big thing on Broadway, and Santana are friends from high school. Despite being each other’s total opposites, they share an apartment. When their former roommate had to leave and move back home at the end of last semester, they asked me (or begged, depending on whom you’re asking) to move in with them. 

Although Matt turned out to be a nice guy, who didn’t care that he was rooming with a gay guy, I jumped at the opportunity. I hated living in the dorms. Even if it was close to school, and I now have to commute 45 minutes to get to campus, it’s so worth it. Sharing a room with someone, sharing a bathroom with several - it just wasn’t my thing. Having to live in the same space with guys who didn’t exactly live up to my cleanliness standards was more than I could manage in the long run.

Sharing an apartment with Santana and Rachel - although trying from time to time - is heaven compared with the dorms. Santana and Rachel have this love/hate relationship that I haven’t quite figured out yet. They fight a lot, but they always have each other’s backs when it matters. I don’t know how many times I have had to pull them apart when they get into an argument, but nothing can make me want to live anywhere else right now.

I don’t know if they were really friends back in high school, but I understand the need to stick together with someone you know, no matter how vaguely, in this city. A city that has the tendency to swallow you whole if you don’t have someone to look out for you.

To no one's surprise, Ali and Santana hit it off directly from the moment Ali sat foot in our apartment on Friday, and now they are both nagging me to get this thing done.

This thing that I’m getting out of the way… is calling Blaine. For the last time. 

I’ve promised Ali that if he doesn’t answer, I won’t call him again. I will face the truth that he doesn’t want anything to do with me, that he hasn’t since I left Lima eight months ago. I want to move on. I need to move on. That doesn’t mean that this isn’t hard or that I’m not feeling sad that this is it - this is the end. Because I know he won’t answer. He hasn’t answered any of my calls or responded to any of my texts in the past eight months, and so the chances of him doing it tonight are next to none. Still I have to do this one last time. I have to make this final call, so that both my mind and my heart will understand and get closure.

I’ve never let myself give in to the realization that we are over. Actually over. As in I will never see or speak to him again. I’ve always hoped we could at least be friends and talk to each other. It’s a hard realization. One that I have to make, but one that has taken me several months to face. Because it’s Blaine, and I know I will never love another the way I loved him.

Okay, no. I can’t let myself think like that. I have to believe that there is someone else out there that is more right for me. Someone who’s only waiting for me to step into his life. Someone who is right for me. Someone who will love me and never shut me out or… No. I won’t go there again.

My calls to him have become less frequent, but so far I have stubbornly refused to believe that we can’t have any contact. I still miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss sharing things with him. And no matter how hard I’ve tried not to, I still love him. My heart belongs to him and that is why giving up this final, lingering hope is so difficult.

In the beginning, I called him every day, leaving voicemails begging him to call me back. Then I tried to give him space, thinking that if I didn’t call him, he would call me. He didn’t. But I couldn’t give up on the idea that we could still be friends and have some contact, so my calls became a weekly thing instead. Then the weekly phone calls became every other week.

Now it’s been three weeks since I last called him, and this will be the last time. “Okay, I’m doing this,” I say and get up from the couch in our living room where I’ve been sitting with Ali for the last fifteen minutes gathering up courage to do this.

“It won’t be as bad as you think,” Ali says and gives my hand a gentle squeeze.

_Yeah, not so sure about that._

I close the door to my room behind me for privacy. I lean against it, close my eyes and breathe in deeply and then exhale, trying to relax. Trying to get my heart not to beat out of my chest. I take out my phone, but before I make the call, I open the folder I have of old pictures of him. I look at my favorite photo. It’s one of Blaine in my bed from last summer. I trace my finger across his face. He’s still the most beautiful man I’ve ever met. 

But Ali is right. I need to do this. I can’t keep hoping forever. It’s too hard. And it’s breaking me every time he doesn’t answer. Every unanswered call has been one step closer to a realization I don’t want to make. But it’s time I face it.

I walk over to my bed and sit down. My bed is placed in the left corner of the room, just below the window, and if I looked out, I could see the busy street below. There’s usually always something happening outside my window, and I sometimes find myself just sitting here staring out at the hustle and bustle. But I don’t care about what’s going on out there today. I have other things that occupy my mind. Quickly, before my nerves catch up with me, I find his name in my contact list, and without further hesitation, I press the call button. I press my ear against the phone and listen as the signals go through.

I wonder where he is, what he’s doing. I know he’s out there living his dream, but is he ever thinking about me or am I the only one thinking about him? Is he happy or is he miserable without me, just like I am without him?

I get up and start pacing the floor, too restless to sit down. My hands are trembling, and my heart is racing. What if he actually picks up?

I don’t know what I will say if he answers. Calling him has almost become this routine thing I do without expecting him to answer. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I don’t know where to start. Do I tell him that I still love him, and I’ve changed my mind? That I want us to try to be friends? That I miss him like crazy, and I that I’m miserable without him? That I’m mad at him for shutting me out of his life? I don’t know what he thinks of me anymore, and there are so many different possible scenarios that could come from me uttering any of those sentences to him, it’s making my mind dizzy and unable to think clear.

The call keeps connecting, and I keep pacing. When it finally goes to voicemail, I feel myself deflate as I hang up. Some part of me was hoping he’d answer. That he’d somehow sense that this was going to be the end if he didn’t. I know I was hoping in vain, that the chance of him answering was slim if not non-existing, but still there was this lingering hopefulness within me.

But I also actually feel a little relieved. Now I can leave this part of my life behind me. It’s difficult to let go, but there’s also something liberating about it. That doesn’t mean that there are not tears in my eyes. It hurts. Letting go fucking hurts. It’s over. It has been over for a very long time, but now my mind and heart knows it too.

I’m sure I will hear his voice, though. He’s been starting to get some recognition, which I’m sure will only increase as more and more people get the opportunity to hear him sing and see him perform. I remember the first time I heard _Beautiful Mess_ on the radio. I had tuned in a local radio station from Ohio on my computer, when the song came on. I listen to that radio station because sometimes there is a commercial from my dad’s shop and I kind of like hearing it.

I was not prepared to hear Blaine singing, wasn’t expecting it at all. I don’t know why it had never crossed my mind that I could hear him on the radio, but I hadn’t. Luckily for me, I was by myself, studying in the apartment and nobody was there to see my reaction. It was a few weeks ago, three to be exact because I remember calling him afterwards. I didn’t recognize it at first because I was deep in my books, but when the chorus started, my attention was immediately drawn to the music.

I remember being in a state of shock because that song, at one moment in time, meant something to him. It meant something to me. And now it was playing on the radio. It felt weird and exciting at the same time. Weird because it was my song, a song Blaine had written to me, and now it was apparently something he had released. Exciting because if he had chosen that song maybe it meant that he still cared about me. In some way at least. I called him and left him a voicemail telling him I’d heard the song, that it sounded great recorded, and that I was happy for him that he was getting the opportunity to do what he always dreamed of. Then I broke down in tears. If he wasn’t living his dream, if things were different, he’d be here with me, and we’d be living our dream together.

I’ve heard the song twice since, and every time I’ve been fortunate to be by myself, because every time it has resulted in me breaking down in tears. That song reminds me of what we used to have, what we could still have if one of us had acted differently.

But we didn’t, and I’m not going there again. Blaine is now officially a closed chapter in the story of my life. I dry my tears. Time to move forward. And time to face my friends. As soon as I open my door, Ali looks at me with a raised, questioning eyebrow.

I shake my head. “No answer.”

She opens her arms to me, and I thankfully duck into them. Ali’s the only one who really knows what Blaine means to me.

“Okay, but that’s good,” she says and hugs me. “Now you can move on.”

“What’s so special about him anyway?” Santana asks, now dressed in one of the outfits she was showing us earlier.

Everything. Everything is special about him. But it’s hard to put into words what Blaine is to me, especially to someone who hasn’t met him, who hasn’t seen us together, and my answer to Santana only scratches the surface of what he means to me.

“We used to be best friends. He knows everything about me. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been in love with…” I say, feeling the tears sting in my eyes again.

“Okay. One, he doesn’t know everything about you anymore,” Santana starts.

True. I have changed quite a bit since I moved to New York. Being alone in a new city tends to toughen you up a little bit. I had to crawl out of my shell and deal with things. I had to learn how to take care of myself, and put myself out there, in order to survive. I’ve become much less shy and I’m not as quiet anymore (with friends like Ali, Santana and Rachel, you really can’t afford to be quiet). New people and new situations don’t scare me anymore. I actually welcome them. Where I before would hide behind Blaine and let him stand in the front and decide what we were doing, I now take charge of every new situation and steer it in the direction I want it.

At least that’s true for everything that isn’t related to Blaine. When it comes to him, I’m still the same shy guy who fell in love with his best friend but didn’t dare to tell him for the fear of losing him. I’m still scared of rejection, that’s why I’m here in New York and not in Columbus. If he doesn’t want to talk to me on the phone, I can’t imagine he’d want to see me in person. He has moved on, and being face-to-face with him and hear him tell me that - I don’t think I could handle the pain of having my heart broken again.

“He doesn’t know about your new fabulous roommate, who is getting more than a little impatient with the waiting,” Santana continues, tapping her foot on the floor.

“And two?” I ask, knowing there is something more coming my way. Santana is not the one let an opportunity to tell people when they’re wrong slip through her hands.

“And two, we are going to change that,” She says and waves in my direction. “That you have only been in love with one guy. Oh, I have new mission!” She chirps excitedly.

“No, you don’t!” I state firmly. I _do not_ want to be one of her missions.

“I’m in on this one!” Ali quickly joins in, just as excited as Santana about the prospect of finding me a new guy.

I groan. Of course, Ali would jump on this opportunity. She’s the one who’s been telling me for months now that I need to get over Blaine. That she gets me, but that she doesn’t think Blaine deserves my attention when he clearly doesn’t care about me. 

“Look, Kurt,” Ali says facing me. “It’s time to move on. Let’s go out, have some fun, get drunk. I promise you that by the time this night is over, Santana and I will have found you a nice guy to kiss. Or something more if you want to,” she adds, wiggling her eyebrows.

The idea of kissing someone, let alone doing ‘something more’ with anyone who isn’t Blaine, is terrifying. I can’t imagine it.

“I don’t drink, remember,” I say because I don’t want to focus on those other parts of her plan.

“Well tonight is a night of lasts and firsts. Trust me, it’ll be fun!” Ali says with a bright smile.

_Trust me_. The last time someone said that to me, I ended up spending the night with Santana and some of her friends in Jersey. Just the thought of that night gives me the chills. I guess I can have a beer though. Maybe tonight I can let myself let loose a little. One beer won’t make a difference. 

“Okay, I’m ready,” Rachel says as she exits her room.

“No. Just no, Rachel,” I say and look at her outfit. She’s wearing a miniskirt with knee-high stockings and a knitted reindeer sweater.

“What?” she says uncomprehendingly and looks down on her clothes.

“If I’m putting up with these two and their crazy ideas for a good night,” I say and point at Ali and Santana. “I’m rewarding myself with giving you a makeover first.”

“What’s wrong with the way I look?” Rachel asks, completely clueless of why that outfit is all wrong.

“Honey, I don’t want to be mean, but you look like you’re still a high school freshman,” I tell her. “Let me help you.”

“But I don’t have anything else to wear on a night out.” 

“Ali, Santana, what do you girls have that could fit Rachel?” I ask.

Before we head out for the night, Rachel has a new look. Her miniskirt has been exchanged for a pair of Ali’s slim, black leather pants. The reindeer sweater, now tucked away in a dark corner of Rachel’s wardrobe, is replaced with a black, tight, low-cut top that’s showing off her surprisingly fit body. With her hair hanging loose, new makeup and matching jewelry, she looks like a new, much improved, Rachel. Mission completed. And I actually feel a little bit lighter.

~o~o~

That all happened yesterday. Today at five in the afternoon, I’m still nursing a hangover. One beer turned into two, which then turned into three and then I lost count. I absolutely had no plan of getting drunk - I’ve never been drunk before. But it sort of felt liberating to just let go and not give a damn. I felt free for the first time in a very long time.

Turns out though, that liberating yourself and letting go, leaves you with a killer headache the next day. I felt really bad about not managing to get out of bed and follow Ali to the airport like I had promised. She just laughed at me and gave me kiss on the cheek before she left. Said she was a big girl and that she could navigate on her own in the city. Somehow, I don’t doubt that for a second. She’s made to live in New York, and it will be so great to have her here in the fall. 

I’m trying to convince Ali to move in with us. It would be great to live with her. She’s not sure if she wants to live so far out though, and there’s also the curiousness of seeing what it’s like living the dorm life. I think with a little persuasiveness from both me and Santana, we can get her to move in.

I turn on my bed to reach for the glass of water standing on my bedside table. When I turn back, a ray of sun hits my eyes. I close them quickly. The bright sun makes my headache even worse. Why did I not close my curtains? And why did I drink so much?

Last night was a lot of fun (even if I’m paying for it today). The off campus party that Santana so desperately wanted to go to, but that I sort of dreaded because you never know when homophobia will strike in a crowd of college guys, actually turned out to be a lot better than I expected. One of the guys living there was gay, and his friends were all supportive and it was clear that if you had a different opinion you could just as well leave.

The guy, Alex, was a really nice guy and we might have end up flirting. Which felt admittedly weird. Flirting with someone else felt like betraying Blaine. I had to tell myself several times that Blaine wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, that he doesn’t want anything to do with me - the lack of communication is proof of that - so I shouldn’t be feeling like that. It didn’t help much, and when he tried to kiss me, I had to take a step back to stop him.

Flirting with a guy was all I could manage for one night, the thought of kissing a stranger who I’ve only known for an hour felt like too much. It felt like crossing a line I wasn’t ready to cross yet. Yes, I’m working on getting over Blaine, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to kiss someone. Kissing is very intimate to me, at least it was between me and Blaine, and I’m not in a place where I’m ready to do that with someone else.

I’m sort of glad that I let myself let loose and have fun though. I want to find a way back to being myself. To the person I was before I fell in love with Blaine. Before my life was turned upside down. Letting myself flirt with another guy is a step in that journey.

So why does it feel so hard? Getting over him. Letting us go. I know rationally that we haven’t been anything for months but admitting to myself that we are over, really over, letting that sink in to my heart, it’s hard. And it fucking hurts. I’ve been clinging to the idea that we weren’t for so long, even though I know (trust me, I know) I’m the one who broke up with him. 

I try to keep them at bay, but there are tears surfacing. I want to be finished crying over him, I want to be okay with the situation, but apparently I’m not and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever get over him.


	38. Chapter 38

**Kurt, Tuesday June 26th 2014, 1.45 pm**

“Look, over there, you can see the Eiffel Tower!” Rachel squeals as we’re walking along the river Seine.

We’re in Paris - me, Ali, Rachel, and Santana. It started as a crazy idea one night in August last year. It was the beginning of the semester, and I think we all had had a little too much to drink when Santana came up with the brilliant idea that we absolutely needed to travel to Europe this summer.

Ali had decided that she wanted to live with us after all, said she’d rather live with friends than with strangers. She moved in with us in August and we were throwing her a welcome party when Santana hatched the idea. Drunken us were all in agreement that it was in fact the most genius idea we’ve ever heard. The only problem was that none of us had the money to make such a trip. But the idea stuck and we all worked really hard at finding jobs and saving up the money.

And now we’re here, in Paris. The City of Love. Okay, so I’m rooming with Ali, which isn’t exactly very romantic, but she’s my best friend, and I’d rather share a room with her than Rachel or Santana. We’re staying in a cheap hotel on the outskirts of Paris because that’s all we can afford. But we’re here, in Paris! Where we stay doesn’t really matter. I never thought I’d actually get to experience this city.

Even though Rachel has a boyfriend and Santana has a girlfriend, we made a pact to go just the four of us. This is our trip. Rachel’s boyfriend complained more than a little that he wasn’t allowed to join us, but a pact is a pact. I suspect that Rachel isn’t really serious about him anyway. There’s something going on between her and Finn, I can feel it even though none of them are admitting to anything.

Finn came to visit me for Thanksgiving last fall. I couldn’t afford to go home, and I had promised I’d work extra that weekend. Dad and Carole were going to visit some relatives of Carole and Finn, but Finn didn’t particularly feel like visiting some old aunt, so instead he came to visit me in New York. Which was nice and strange at the same time because we didn’t really know each other. After that weekend, we got a lot closer though.

Ali and Santana had gone home for the weekend, and it was only me, Finn and Rachel in the apartment. I’m pretty sure something happened between them that weekend. Some time when I was working and had to leave the touring of the city to Rachel, something happened because when I got home they both looked guilty. Why I don’t know cause they were both single at the time. Finn swore nothing happened when I asked him, and Rachel just gave me evasive answers to my blunt questions. I know they are still in touch because I’ve seen her phone light up with texts from him.

What happened between them after that weekend and how she ended up with Brody as her boyfriend is an unknown mystery to me. I do know, however, that her face lights up a whole lot when she gets texts from Finn.

“Let’s go there!” Santana says and takes the lead.

We walk closer and take a bunch of photos with the tower in the background - each one sillier than the next. For every city we’ve visited, we find the most iconic landmark and take goofy pictures. They will be a fond memory of this trip, and I already have plans of where to hang these photos in our apartment.

“Let’s go shopping,” Ali says after a while. “Let’s go to Avenue Montaigne!”

“You know we can’t afford anything there, right?” I say, feeling the emptiness of my wallet starting to make itself noticed. Avenue Montaigne is the street to visit if you want to shop high fashion.

“I know,” Ali says, not letting me damper her spirit, “but we can still try on clothes and pretend we can afford them.”

Trying on the latest fashion in Paris, now that’s a different story. After all, fashion is my major, and I love everything about clothes. “I’m in!” I say quickly and Ali laughs at my complete turnaround.

“Let’s go then!” Rachel says, matching Ali’s excitement. I think my makeover opened her eyes to a whole new world.

We pretend to be young, rich Americans (at least we’re young and Americans), when we walk from store to store, trying on some ridiculously expensive clothes but pretending to find something wrong with each item. The store personnel are eager to make the sale, and brings us one clothing item after the other to try on. I feel a little guilty, deceiving them like that, but I also get a lot of inspiration for designs I want to create back home.

In one store, I find an empty space to sit on and pull out a sketchpad from my bag. It’s a small notebook that I always carry with me because you never know when inspirations strikes. After finding my pencil, I start to draw the outlines of two different designs that won’t leave my head. Rachel and Santana are giggling as they’ve just asked the sales clerk to bring forward some more clothes. Ali is walking around in the store, just absorbing the atmosphere I think.

My hand is moving in quick motions across the paper, when an all too familiar voice is pouring out of the surround system and my heart suddenly stops. Or so it feels.

Blaine’s voice. Blaine’s perfect voice singing his latest single.

I don’t listen to the radio at home anymore just so that I can avoid situations like this. Or I lock myself in my room and deliberately put on the playlist I made with Blaine’s songs, but then I’m prepared for what’s coming. Now I’m not.

I’m in a much better headspace than I was a year ago, but still his voice affects me every time. It makes all the memories come back. I want to believe that I have moved on, that that part of my life is something I have left in the past. But honestly, I still miss him. I still love him. When I hear his voice, it all comes back and so does the ache in my chest.

The pencil falls out of my hand and I watch as it rolls away from me on the floor, unable to reach out and stop it. All my senses are filled with Blaine’s voice. I feel dizzy, my heart starts racing and I feel the blood drain from my face. I need to get out of here. I need to not hear his voice. I can’t let anyone see me like this.

Ali is the only one in our group of four who knows that my Blaine is also the now famous singer/songwriter Blaine Anderson who had a hit with his first single and then has built quite an amazing career for himself. Ali also knows that I don’t want Rachel or Santana to know. I don’t want to talk about him, and I definitely don’t want to answer all the inevitable questions that would come if they found out who my Blaine is. Ali doesn't know, however, that I’m still in love with him.

I stand up and rush out of the store. Outside I lean against the nearest wall, close my eyes and focus on breathing. Out here the world is filled with noises - cars sounding, people talking, dogs barking - but still all I hear is Blaine’s voice inside my head, his lyrics haunting me.

“What’s wrong Kurt? Are you okay?” Ali’s worried voice is sounding beside me. I keep my eyes closed. She takes my hand in hers and strokes her thumb across the back of my hand.

“I will be,” I answer.

“I heard the song...” Ali says, and I’m guessing she’s putting one and one together, coming up with, if not two, then something fairly similar.

“Can we not talk about it now?” I ask, trying to convey with my voice that I am in no shape to do this here and now.

“Okay, but we will talk about it later,” she says. Ali is a firm believer in that every problem, every tough situation, must be talked through. It must be ventilated so that one can find a solution and move forward.

I open my eyes and look at her. She’s holding my bag and my sketchpad that I, in my haste to get away from his voice, forgot all about and left on the floor.

“Fine,” I groan. I don’t really want to talk about it, not at all, but I know Ali won’t let me get away. For now though I’m just focusing on getting my heartbeat back to normal. And getting that perfect voice out of my head. One would think that after two years I wouldn’t be this affected by him, but no matter how hard I’ve tried to not think about him, I just don’t seem to be able to let him go.

I’ve tried dating, but I always find something wrong with the guys I’ve gone out with. Rachel and Santana says I’m too picky, that I won’t ever find a guy that will live up to my very high standards. But I’ve already found him, and I compare every guy to him. I know that isn’t fair because none of them are Blaine. But that is also the problem, none of them are Blaine. How can I date someone who isn’t Blaine? Blaine was perfect for me, and I let him go.

 _Beautiful Mess_ became a nationwide hit about six months after I first heard it on the radio. Now everybody wants him, and he’s everywhere. That’s another thing, with Blaine becoming famous I have to live with the risk of seeing his face on TV, on billboards, on the subway, everywhere. Even if I try to move forward and put what we had behind us, his face is everywhere, haunting me, reminding me of what I let go. How am I supposed to move on when he’s everywhere? How am I supposed to forget when I risk seeing those hazel eyes that I used to get lost in, when I least expect it?

It will only get worse the more famous he gets. Because I have no doubt he will become more famous. I have never been unsure of him becoming something great, he’s always had the talent to make it.

Then there is social media where it’s possible to find pictures and interviews with Blaine almost before they are made. I haven’t told anyone, not even Ali, that I have Instagram and Twitter accounts, with no connection to me whatsoever, to follow Blaine. Normally I don’t look at them because it’s too painful. But some days, when the emptiness in my heart becomes too big, and there’s nothing to distract me or keep me from remembering, I log on and update myself with what he’s doing. It usually coincides with me locking myself in my room and putting on my Blaine-playlist. I know I shouldn’t do it. I know it leaves me feeling hollow and with a longing that makes my chest feel too tight, but sometimes the urge to know is too big.

“Hey, where did you two go?” Santana asks as she and Rachel exit the store.

“Is everything okay?” Rachel asks.

“Yes, everything is fine,” Ali says. “Kurt just got a little dizzy and needed some air. I think he needs to eat and drink some water. Dehydration or something like that,” she adds, and I’m so, so grateful for the way she protects me because I wouldn’t havebeen able to lie that well if I’d been found out here by myself.

“Okay, let’s get Lady Hummel to a cheap restaurant where we can eat without being robbed,” Santana says and grabs my arm to lead me away from Avenue Montaigne to a less pricey neighborhood.

After some food, much needed as it turned out for all of us, we continue to walk around the city and visit all the tourist attractions. When the sun sets and darkness falls over the city, we walk up to the Moulin Rouge, because there is no way I’m in Paris without visiting Moulin Rouge.

But my mode has changed and I’m not enjoying it as much as I hoped. Hearing Blaine’s voice earlier today made me remember that night on his rooftop when we played my plane-spotting game. I dreamed of being in the City of Love with him. I made up these fantasies of how we would live, and what we would do. Now I’m here, but he’s not, and I miss him more than I usually do.

I put on a happy facade to not ruin the experience for the others, and for most part I think I manage quite well. Rachel and Santana doesn’t say anything at least, but I know I’m not fooling Ali. She knows me too well, and I know she’s only waiting until we’re alone before she says anything.

When we’re too tired to walk another step, we take the Metro back to our hotel. We say goodnight to Rachel and Santana, who disappear into their room, and then I find myself sitting on a small, hard and very uncomfortable bed next to Ali.

“What happened back there?” She asks. “You looked like you had seen a ghost or something. I thought you were over him.”

“I am over him,” I say in my most convincing manner.

I don’t know why I try to hide the truth from her. She knows me better than anyone else these days, and the look she gives me lets me know that she in no ways believe me. It’s just I’ve been hiding this from everyone for so long, so admitting it to her now, makes me feel ashamed.

“I want to be…” I say. I figured if I pretended to be over him, if I lived as if I were, it would become true.

“But you’re not…?” Ali sighs as I shake my head.

“I’m sorry…”

“Hey, you don’t need to apologize to me, Kurt. I’m not the one hurting.”

“But we made such a big deal about me calling him for the last time last year, and I so wanted to be over him, but I’m just… not.”

Ali grabs my chin with her thumb and index finger and tilts my head up, forcing me to look at her. Her eyes are kind but firm. “Have you kept calling him after that time?”

“No, I haven’t,” I answer truthfully. “But I’ve wanted to.” It’s been a lot harder than I thought, giving up on the hope that he misses me too, and that he, one day, would answer one of my calls.

”Why?” Ali asks. ”Why do you want to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to you? Who can’t even bother to write you a text to let you know how he’s doing?”

”He’s not really like that,” I hear myself say. ”I hurt him, I let him down and I abandoned him.”

I abandoned him when he needed me the most. I should have supported him at the beginning of his career. I should have been there when his mother wasn’t and when his father suddenly reappeared in his life. I don’t know what happened with him and his parents, but I can’t help but to feel guilty that I also left him.

”Why are you defending him? So you broke up with him, that happens, doesn’t mean he gets to treat you like shit.” Ali doesn’t get it. She doesn’t know Blaine the way I did. She doesn’t know how fragile he is under that though facade he puts on.

”Blaine has never treated me like shit,” I say and get defensive when she’s accusing him like that.

”Stop doing that! Stop defending him! I don’t get how you can still love him. He doesn’t deserve your love. He hasn’t done anything in the past two years to prove he deserves you. All he has done is ignore you.”

I feel like I should defend him from her hard words. I’m the one who left him. I’m the one who didn’t want to try to make it work. Right now it doesn’t matter that he completely shut me out because I feel as if I deserved it.

“Don’t you think it’s time you realize that it’s over, I mean really over?” Ali continues. “You aren’t magically going to run into him somewhere and reunite with him and live happily ever after. It’s not gonna happen Kurt.”

I think it’s scary how well she knows me because that is something I’m secretly hoping for from time to time. That I’ll run into him on the street or that he’ll show up at our apartment, and we’ll fall into each other’s arms and tell each other ‘I still love you’, and everything will be alright. But when she says it like that, it does sound more like a fairytale than real life. I guess it’s the romantic in me that’s still hoping.

”I know…” I groan. ”Rationally, I know that, but my heart … my heart hasn’t gotten the memo yet.”

Ali looks at me with pity in her eyes. I know she doesn’t agree with me, but she understands. She’s not really angry, this is her way of protecting me.

”When will it stop to hurt?” I say and feel myself crumble. I don’t often let these feelings surface, not in front of others at least, but today for some reason I don’t have the strength to keep up the facade.

”Oh, honey,” Ali says and scooches closer to me on the bed. She wraps her arms around me in a tight hug and holds on for a few seconds before she lets me go again. ”It will, you just gotta open yourself up to the possibility to love someone else. But right now, you aren’t. You’re still seeing him as this perfect guy who no one can live up to. If you keep comparing every guy you meet to him, that won’t happen. You have to let go, Kurt.”

“I know,” I say and feel dejected, “but I don’t know how to let go. He’s all I know, and he was perfect. How do I stop comparing everyone to that? How can I settle for someone who is less than him?”

“You don’t have to settle for anything, Kurt, that’s the point. I’m sure there are some pretty great guys in New York. You’re just not giving them a chance,” Ali says firmly, persuasively but then her tone softens as she continues. “I understand that this is difficult, Kurt, I really do. Someone once told me that you don’t walk into love, you fall, that’s why it’s so hard to get out. I guess there’s some truth to that. If you want to fall out of love with him, you have to make it happen, because if it hasn’t happened on its own after two years…” Ali says leaving the blanks for me to fill in by myself.

Some part of me doesn’t ever want to let go of the idea that maybe someday, somewhere, we will reconnect again. Forgetting him feels like betraying us, like giving up on our future together. Another part wants to forget about him because this is making me miserable

But maybe it’s time to let go of the fairytale. Maybe it is nothing more than a dream.

“You’re right,” I admit even if it’s hard. Ali has a cunning way of always knowing the right things to say and do.

She’s also very good at reading me and can probably sense that I’m feeling miserable. “You know I love you, right? And that I only say these things because I want you to love you as well. I hate seeing you the way you looked in that store when his song came on. We’re friends, right? And still I had no idea you were still feeling this way about him.”

“Sorry,” I say again, feeling that I should apologize for that. For all of it, for keeping her in the dark, and for being unable to let go of the dream of me and Blaine.

Ali offers me a small smile. “I just want you to be happy, Kurt, that’s all.”

“Thank you,” I say and hug her. I want to be happy, and I see now that keeping this dream alive is keeping me from being truly happy.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end,” Ali says. “That’s my favorite John Lennon quote.”

I quirk an eyebrow at her. “Since when are you quoting John Lennon? Or anyone for that matter?” But the words still offers me some comfort. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Not the end. Something better will come.

“Oh, I’m full of surprises, honey,” Ali says in a playful tone. Then she grabs her shoulder strap bag, and a mischievous smile appears on her lips. “Now you have two choices. Either we can go to bed, or we can share the cheap bottle of red wine that I have in my bag.”

She pulls out a bottle from the bag, and I wonder when she had time to buy that without me noticing it. But then again most of the afternoon and evening passed by in a Blaine-induced haze. I suddenly feel very tired. All the emotions of the day have left me drained.

“You know Rachel is going to make us climb the stairs to the Eiffel Tower tomorrow, so even though sharing that bottle with you sounds tempting, I think climbing the Eiffel Tower with a hangover and hearing Rachel’s shrill voice complaining about us falling behind, is not something I want to do. Maybe tomorrow?”

“No problem,” Ali says. She puts down her bag again and makes for the small bathroom.

“I will think about what you said tonight,” I tell her and she turns around, standing in the doorframe she smiles at me. “Thank you for always being honest with me.”

“That’s what friends do,” She says. “Letting you know when you need to snap out of it, even if it hurts to hear the truth.” She pauses for a moment before she continues. “You know you can always talk to me, right? Even if I don’t agree with your choices, I will always have your back.”

“I know,” I say and smile at her.

Her words stick with me long after this night in Paris. There won’t be a fairytale ending to our story, but that doesn’t mean that something better won’t come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wonderful artwork above is created by the amazing roxymusicandlayers  
> Next you will (finally) get a chapter from Blaine's POV.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like a long time ago since we've heard Blaine's voice in this story, but here you have him.  
> I don't normally write much before a chapter because I like it's content to be a surprise, but for this one I think it is necessary. Brace yourself for a rough chapter with some potential triggers.

**Blaine, Monday July 27th 2015, 11.37 pm**

“What are you in the mood for?” Jeff asks uninterested, barely looking at me, as if he’s tired of all of this.

We’re backstage, in a hot room that smells like incense and something else that the incense is probably meant to hide. I don’t do drugs, but some of my crew members enjoy to smoke during and after shows. I don’t care, but it’s not for me. I’m more of an alcohol kind of guy, in any which way or shape it’s presented to me. That’s why I’m sitting here backstage after another sold out tour stop, in God knows what city, with a glass of clear liquid in my hand. Vodka mixed with something. Maybe something with lemon? I don’t care what it is, as long as it gives me that numbing buzz I so desperately crave and need. And it does.

I don’t know how many dinks I’ve had tonight. Don’t know, don’t care. All I know is that I’m feeling okay again. Actually, I feel nothing, and that’s sort of the point. I never go on stage drunk, but afterwards I need to numb myself. I need to not remember anymore.

I left the record company in Columbus about a year ago, moved on to a bigger one located in New York. Jeff is now my manager. I asked him to come with me to New York because he’s the only one I trust. He agreed, but only after he was sure that Nick could move with him. Luckily for Nick, the law firm he was working on needed people in their New York office, so it was a smooth transfer.

Jeff and Nick are the only friends I have. And Sebastian, who jumped at the thought of getting out of Ohio when he learned that we were leaving. He’d just broken up with his boyfriend and from what I understand it didn’t end pretty, so leaving Columbus for New York was an easy choice. In the beginning I shared an apartment with Sebastian, but that soon got unbearable as Seb is a sloppy and, as it turned out, slutty guy with new conquests every weekend. Now I live on my own, though I prefer not to spend time there.

My new contract offers me bigger nationwide exposure, more money, and at least two albums. But it also demands more of me. I need to report to the management if I plan to leave the city, even during periods when we’re not recording or touring. I’m not allowed to sing in public places without it being preplanned. I can’t have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, that isn’t preapproved by the management. They’d rather prefer I stay single, so that I appear available to the teenage girls (and boys), which renders more money in terms of sales of records and merchandise. It suits me well because I have nowhere to go, no time to perform anywhere the label hasn’t decided for me, and no interest in having a non-professional relationship with anyone.

Relationships only hurt, only leave you brokenhearted. Why would I want that? There’s only one person who could make me change my mind, and he stopped calling two years ago, so clearly that ship has sailed.

“Which city are we in?” I ask Jeff and take another sip from the glass in my hand, each sip making me more relaxed, more numb.

“Phoenix, Arizona,” Jeff answers picking up his phone from the small table in front of him where it’s been lying next to a bottle of water and bowl of hard candy.

Okay, that explains the heat. Who planned a tour stop here in the middle of July? I can’t stand the heat, at least not this kind of heat. It must have been at least 105 earlier today. I take a towel that’s hanging on the armrest of my chair and wipe away sweat from my forehead. Sweat from giving it my all on that stage with all the spotlights directed at me, mixed with sweat from it being so fucking hot. My tank top is clinging to my chest, and I’m pretty sure my hair is a mess. Not that I care.

“Look, I want to go back to the hotel and call Nick before I fall asleep, so what are you in the mood for?” Jeff asks again, his irritation with being stuck here clearly shining through.

I know our friendship has gotten strained lately, especially since we’ve been on tour. I know it’s my fault. My fault for making him do things for me that he doesn’t agree on, things that make him disgusted. But still I demand it of him. I demand it of my manager, not my friend but sometimes the lines get a little blurry.

I think about it for a few seconds before I answer. “Someone tall and skinny.”

“Guy or girl?” Jeff asks automatically, because that’s what he always asks.

“Guy,” I answer without hesitation.

Jeff gets out of his chair and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him as he leaves. I rest my head against the back of the chair. I close my eyes and let the silence fill my senses. All my shows are intense. They leave me emotionally drained because every song is about him. I can’t write a song that isn’t about him. I’ve tried, but they’re all crap. Getting myself drunk is one way to forget. Fucking some random stranger is another.

Jeff’s task is to go outside to the crowd of waiting fans, pick someone who matches my desire for the night, and bring him (or her) back to me. After that he’s free to go. I guess I have quite the reputation to “interact” with fans in my dressing room after shows because Jeff never has a problem finding someone who’s willing to follow him backstage. Mostly it’s guys, but every now and then I go for a girl. It doesn’t really matter. They don’t matter to me. If it isn’t Kurt, I don’t care who I’m fucking.

I know this makes me a horrible person, but I can’t find it in me to care. My life is miserable without Kurt. Even after three years I can’t get him out of my head. He’s a constant presence in my life, overshadowing everything I do, everything I create, everything I breathe. But for a few minutes every night I would like him not to be. A few minutes is usually all it takes, and as soon as it’s over I quickly discard the lucky (or unlucky depending on how you see it) guy who got me off.

I hear the door open and the movement of people entering the room.

“Blaine this is Jasper. Jasper meet Blaine.” Jeff says without enthusiasm. He’s done this introduction ritual so many times this summer that he can’t find it in him to do it with finesse anymore. The first time I asked him to bring someone back to me he thought it was exciting and he made sure everyone involved was comfortable and that no awkward situations occurred, but as I kept asking him to bring me someone at each tour stop (and there have been numerous this summer), he quickly started to question my sanity. He tried to talk me out of it, but I just want to forget. Just for a few fucking minutes. Is that so difficult to understand?

Jeff knows why I’m doing it, but doesn’t agree to my methods. He thinks there are smarter, less risk, ways to get over your ex-boyfriend. Like therapy or just getting my head out of my ass. The thing is though, I don’t want to get over him.

I open my eyes and raise my head slowly from the position it’s been resting against the chair. I look at the guy in front of me and my heart nearly stops. It can’t be. He said the guy’s name was Jasper, right? The guy in front of me, tall and skinny as I requested, has piercing blue eyes and perfect chestnut hair. A shy smile is playing on his lips as he looks at me. It’s Kurt.

I close my eyes, because clearly I’m hallucinating. It can’t be Kurt, not in Phoenix, Arizona. When I open them again he’s still standing there. As beautiful as ever.

“Hi, Blaine.” The guy says with a voice that has no traces of the softness in Kurt’s.

I’m snapped out of the spell and when I look at the guy again I can see that he isn’t Kurt. How drunk am I? When I look closer I see that the boy, although resembling Kurt, lacks several of his traits. He doesn’t have the same smile or the impeccable fashion sense that Kurt has. His hair isn’t even chestnut colored, and his eyes are closer to green-blue than Kurt’s silver-blue. Something snaps inside me. The thought of having Kurt in front of me, of having him within reaching distance, only to realize that it was an illusion makes me infuriated.

“Get out!” I yell and the guy flinches and looks scared. His eyes dart over to Jeff, but Jeff doesn’t pay us any intention. He’s too occupied with something on his phone. “Get out! Get out!” I yell again and the poor guy scrambles for the door. He leaves without saying another word.

When the door closes behind him, I look over at Jeff who is now looking at me with a smirk on his face, like he got a kick out of my reaction.

“You did this on purpose!” I yell at Jeff, wobbling a little as I stand up and try to focus my eyes on him. My fury only increasing at the realization that he brought me a guy he knew would remind me of Kurt.

“Yes, I did,” Jeff says calmly.

 _How the fuck can he be so calm?!_ I look briefly at the glass I have in my hand before I throw it at him. Missing him with just a few inches, the glass crashes into the wall just behind him. “Are you insane?!” I continue to yell. “Why would you fucking do that?!”

“Because you need to stop, and you need to snap out of whatever this is!” Jeff says racing his voice, but not yet yelling.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” I pretend to not understand because I don't want to talk about it. Not tonight. Not ever.

“Oh, come on, Blaine! You can pretend with everyone else, but you’re not fooling me. You’re a drunk, and you’re fucking everything with two legs because you want to forget about him. But it isn’t helping, it’s only making it worse!” Jeff’s blue eyes are turning dark as he holds my gaze steadily.

I glare back at him, not budging. “You don’t know what you are talking about! You have no fucking clue!”

“Get over yourself, Anderson. Do something about it instead of making yourself and everyone in the crew miserable with your childish behavior. You both live in New York, go out and find him,” Jeff says, sounding tired. “Make us all that favor.”

“I don’t know where he lives…” I slump down on my chair again because standing up and yelling is making me dizzy. I lean my head against the palm of my hands, both out of self-pity and to make everything stop spinning.

“Find out then! God, you’re such a child sometimes. Call him or call his dad, find out where he lives.”

“He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore… He stopped calling me long ago…” I say, dejected and despaired.

“And whose fault is that? I would have given up on you long before he did if you never returned my calls. God, I was so tired of hearing that ringtone that never ended when we were living together. That special ringtone that you had only for him, what was it now again?” Jeff pauses and ponders for a while. “Oh yeah, now I remember, _I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You_. That fucking ringtone followed by you locking yourself away and crying. Come to think about it, I actually prefer that to you drinking and fucking your way through life!”

I made _I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You_ Kurt’s ringtone the night after he asked me to sing him something until he fell asleep. I still flinch every time I hear it, thinking it’s him calling me.

“I’m not fucking my way through life,” I say, defending myself from his accusation. But maybe I am. I don’t know… is that what I’m doing? Argh! Why does life have to be so fucking miserable?! Fuck! “And I can’t just show up at his door. He broke up with me, remember?”

“Because he didn’t want to do long distance, yes, I remember. You’ve told me so on a countless number of times. But now it wouldn’t be long distance anymore; you’re both in New York. And just because he broke up with you doesn’t mean that he stopped caring about you or even loving you. Hell, he called you for almost a year after he moved away, doesn't that say something to you?” Jeff asks a little gentler now.

“But then he stopped…” I repeat myself.

“Yes, because you never returned his calls. Look, we can go around in circles with this argument forever and never get anywhere.” Jeff walks over and hunches in front of me, placing both hands on my knees. “Blaine, what you are doing is hurting you. And it’s hurting me to see you like this. This isn’t you. At least not the you I first got to know.”

I look up at him, grateful to have a friend that actually cares about me when all of my other friends are long gone (through no one’s fault but my own). “Today it’s three years since he broke up with me…” I say and feel the tears coming. Then I become angry with myself because thinking about it shouldn’t make me cry. Not after three years. Not when it was my decision to stay and pursue my music career instead of following him to New York. Not when I said we couldn’t be friends and stopped answering his calls.

Jeff squeezes my knees. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…” he says, his voice filled with remorse. He knows I always get extra emotional around this date.

“I have this terrible ache in my chest, and it’s eating me away inside, Jeff. And I don’t know what to do about it.” I hide my head in my palms again, not wanting Jeff to see me like this. Like a crumbling mess with tears running down my cheeks. Tears for someone I left three years ago.

Jeff pulls my hands away and wraps his arms around me in a tight hug.

“All I know is that when I’m with them, for those few minutes I’m free of him. He’s with me every night on stage. In every song I sing, he’s there, like a constant shadow looming over me. I can’t get free of him, Jeff. Except for those moments when I fuck someone else. Only then can I breathe easily. But when it’s over, he’s right there again, and I feel worse than before.”

Jeff lets go of the hug and forces me to look at him. “And the drinking?” he asks carefully.

“That helps too. It helps to numb the feelings, helps me feel less like a failure,” I say impassively.

“You’re not a failure, Blaine. I think that ten thousand people out there tonight would disagree with you on that one. But you might be well on your way to self-fulfilling that statement if you continue like this,” Jeff says and gets back up on his feet. He walks around a little in the small room. “I’m not gonna pretend that I understand what you are going through, but I know you can’t go back and change what happened. But you can decide how you want to live your life from here on out.”

“I don’t think I can. This is my destiny. I will forever live with the knowledge that I fucked up. That I let go of the only thing that was good in my life. Nothing I do now is going to change that.”

“You could talk to someone about it. Someone who can help you see that you’re stuck. Someone who can help you move on.”

I don’t want to move on.

“Like a therapist?” I ask, skeptical about the suggestion.

“Yes, someone professional,” Jeff says, and there’s a new hint of hopefulness in his voice.

“No way!” I say because there is no way I’m lying down on someone’s couch, telling them about Kurt, and how I screwed up. They will probably find some ridiculous connection to me being abandoned by my father and growing up with a neglecting mother. How that makes me unable to get close and trust people, and instead I shut them out when things get rough rather than letting myself get hurt again. I don’t need someone to feed me with that kind of bullshit because that is not what happened.

Jeff looks pleadingly at me, but I feel done with this conversation. There’s nothing Jeff can say to me that will make me change my mind. He said so himself, he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. Why should I listen to him?

“Get me someone else,” I say to him in a demanding voice, putting up all the walls that I have momentarily taken down. Clearly letting him know that this discussion is over.

“You’re fucking crazy,” Jeff says incredulously and raises his arms in the air in a dejected gesture. “If you want someone else tonight, you have to go out there and get him yourself. I’m leaving now.”

Without any further ado, Jeff turns around and leaves. Slamming the door hard as he leaves me alone in the warm (why is it so fucking warm?), dark, incense smelling room. I look at the shattered glass on the floor across from me, the trail of clear liquid running down the wall still visible. Fuck! I’m not going out there by myself, no way! But, shit I could really use some distraction tonight.

I ignore the throbbing pain in my head and take the bottle of vodka standing on the table next to me. There is more than one way to make myself forget. There is more than one way to make that ache in my chest go away.

At least for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the lowest point of this story, it will only get better from here.
> 
> The artwork above is of course created by my wonderful beta roxymusicandlayers ❤❤ (I love this artwork so much!!)


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about this chapter being late. I've been traveling and my flight back home yesterday was delayed. I arrived home just before midnight, and was too tired to do anything else but go to bed.
> 
> If last chapter was intense, then this is more calm :)

**Kurt, Sunday October 16th 2016, 5.32 pm**

I stretch out my legs in front of me, at least as much as is possible when crammed into an airplane seat. I look out the window and watch the fluffy, white clouds beneath us, the sun shining down on them from above. I’ve always loved flying, not that I’d done much of it before I moved to New York, but there is something about the feeling of being above the clouds, seeing Earth from above, that makes me feel small and large at the same time. I can pretend that I’m going somewhere far away, on an adventure, instead of, in this case, back to New York.

I’ve been in Ohio for the weekend, visiting Dad and Carole, of course, but the real reason for my trip back home was Quinn and Puck’s wedding. It’s been a while since I last saw my friends from back home, and I hesitated before accepting the invitation. But all my reasons for not keeping in touch with them are gone, and there is a part of me that wishes I had acted differently back then. 

It was great seeing all of them again - Mike and Tina still together, and Sam with his girlfriend. There was a lot of catching up and filling each other in on what has happened in our lives since then. Lots of laughs and hugs and some tears, mainly from laughing so hard but also from regrets. 

Even if it was one of the most fun nights I’ve had in a very long time, they seem to belong to a different life. A life I left behind at the same time I left Ohio. Back then when I left everything.

For most parts of the night, no one mentioned him, and if anyone did, it was only in passing, there were no direct questions. I could tell they wanted to, especially Sam, but it was such a happy occasion that I don’t think anyone wanted to go there. It would have been fine if they did, but I was not going to be the one starting that conversation. 

The wedding was beautiful. The crisp air, the bright autumn colors, and the still warming sun made the risky choice of having the wedding outdoors a magical moment. When the night was over, we promised each other to keep in better touch. Tina hugged me tight and whispered _I’ve missed you so much, Kurt_. I think she felt as much regret as I that we let it go so far.

Seeing my friends getting married stirred something in me. If Quinn and Puck, separated by a continent for four years, could come out on the other end still together, still in love, could Blaine and I have made it too? It makes me wonder what my life would be like now if I’d chosen differently then. 

But I’m not going down that path again. I have moved on. I’m happier than I’ve been in a very long time. Regretting and wishing that you had done things differently doesn't help. It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on. I had to travel to a different continent to learn that, and it hasn’t been a smooth ride since, but finally I feel as if I can breathe again. I have found peace with the life I’m now living.

I look back at the journey through Europe fondly. That trip changed me. That night in Paris with Ali changed me. I knew I needed to do something differently, because the way I was living wasn’t, in all honesty, really living. I was stuck. So even if it was painful at times, I allowed myself to open up to the possibility that I might find what I shared with Blaine with someone else. I became more open, more available, and yes, I did go on a lot of dates. I even dated a guy for a few weeks last spring. Well maybe dating is the wrong word. It never got that serious.

He was sweet, and I liked him a lot, but when I found out he wanted to keep us a secret because he was afraid of what his very straight friends would say about their apparently not so straight friend, I called it off. I wasn’t willing to go down that road again. It reminded me too much of something I was trying hard to forget. I wanted to move forward, not backwards. Creating a new me, not re-inventing the old me.

After dumping Ethan, I decided to focus on school instead. I had one year left before I graduated, and I devoted it all to being the best in all of my courses so that I could graduate at the top of my class. My dedication impressed my professors, especially professor Steinman, who later helped me get a position as an assistant to one of the senior designers at Marc Jacobs. It’s not my dream job, but it’s a start. My boss, Cassandra, is intense but kind. She lets me see her designs and asks for my comments before she shows them to the team, and if I have any suggestions for changes, she usually listens and modifies her designs. Someday, when I’ve worked up the nerves, I will show her my own designs and see what she thinks of them. Right now I’m focusing on making myself invaluable to her.

With the job comes an income that affords me my own place. I moved out of the apartment I shared with my girls in August. Ali begged me to stay, said it wouldn’t be as fun messing with Rachel’s neatly organized shelves without me as her partner in crime. But I was done with sharing. I needed my own place. I found a place in the East Village that I was able to afford. It’s not big, but it’s mine. Mine and Sophie’s. 

Sophie is my cat. Even though I made a big deal about wanting to live on my own, it got kind of lonely at times. So I adopted Sophie from a cat rescue shelter. She’s still not fully convinced that she likes living with me, but we’re working on it. She’s shy and usually hides under my bed whenever I have visitors. Not even Ali, who spends almost more time at my tiny place than she does at hers, has managed to convince Sophie to come out from her hiding.

I’ve made a new friend at work - Elliot. He’s also an assistant, but to another senior designer. We bonded over our mutual frustration of being sent to the cleaners every Monday after weekend photoshoots. The models continued to wear the clothes after the job was done and somehow they managed to spill food and wine on them every time. It left me and Elliot with the task of trying to save the expensive clothes.

Elliot is smart and funny and cute. And gay. And nothing has ever happened between us. We’re friends, and I’d like to keep it that way. Neither of us are interested in taking it any further. I guess we’re not each other’s types, and we need to have each other’s back at work, so why get involved in something that might ruin that?

There have been other guys after Ethan, but never something serious, never something that lasted longer than one night, and on some rare occasions two nights. I was focusing on school, and now I’m focusing on my job. Boyfriends haven’t been a priority in my life. If someone magically appears in front of me, great, but I’m not actively looking for someone.

Having just attended Quinn and Puck’s wedding might have slightly altered my view on not needing anybody though. Seeing the two of them, still together, getting married, sharing their lives, it made me start thinking that there are things that are more important than creating a career for yourself. Having someone to share that with suddenly seems alluring.

That’s why I’m now sitting on an airplane, somewhere above Pennsylvania, wondering what could have happened if I had made different choices in my life. Not only with the break up, but with everything that happened after that, too. Looking back at the past two years of my life, from Paris to now, I wonder if I’ve ever been really happy. Occasional hook ups isn’t, in all honesty, really what I want. I’m still a romantic. I still want that whirlwind romance, that committed relationship. So why haven’t I allowed myself to find that? Sharing nights with random guys that you meet in a bar, or through a dating app, can be satisfying, but it always leaves me unsatisfied on a deeper level. It makes me feel shallow, and it makes me feel empty inside. Hasn’t that always been my problem for the past four years? The feeling of emptiness that nothing, no one, can fill? Not since _him_.

Blaine wasn’t at the wedding, I knew he wouldn’t be. Before accepting the invitation, I might have gone online and checked his schedule. I found that he was on tour during the time of the wedding. His latest record was released in September, and he’s now on a promotion tour across the country. Seeing him now would be hard. It would tear up wounds that have healed - even if the scars on my heart are constant. Thinking about him doesn’t make my heart ache anymore, but I don’t think I want to find out what would happen if I saw him in person again.

But that doesn’t keep me from checking up on him through his Instagram and Twitter accounts every now and then. I can’t keep myself from doing it. But now it’s more the curiosity of knowing what he is doing, how he’s doing, that makes me go online. I’m happy for him. He’s doing what he always wanted to do. He’s living the life he was meant to live, and part of me is glad that he decided to stay. He’s an amazing performer, I never doubted he would be, but now everyone knows it, and that makes me happy.

I pull out my phone from my messenger bag, stowed under the chair in front of me. Having just met my old friends, and thinking about our high school time and that last summer before we all went our separate ways, has made me nostalgic. I press the photo folder and then the folder named BA. This is where I store all my pictures of him. Most are old pictures of him and me, one is a new one that I’ve downloaded. I scroll through them, smiling at how young we looked back then. 

There are the pictures of us making silly faces after Blaine had taken a picture of me that I was going to use as my Facebook profile in case Sam showed it to Oliver. There’s the picture of us on our first mornings as boyfriends, just after we’ve gotten each other off, our faces still flustered and our hair unruly. There is the picture of us up on Blaine’s rooftop, that night that Blaine told me he was gay. I remember him wanting to capture how happy he felt in a photo.

Although looking at the pictures leaves me with a flutter in my belly, these are all fond memories to me now. Blaine is a fond memory to me. Do I wish that things had ended differently between us? That we had acted differently somewhere along the way? Yes, but those things are all in the past. I have accepted how things ended between us, and the intense feeling of regret that used to hold a tight grip on my heart is no longer there.

I click on the latest saved picture. The picture is probably one year old, and I can’t remember why I saved it on my phone. He’s smiling, but his eyes don’t look happy. He looks grown up, more like a man, less like the boy I left in Ohio. His hair is shorter, not the unruly mess of tangled curls that I used to love running my fingers through. The curls are still there, only shorter. He still has those amazing hazel eyes with flecks of green. There’s a light scruff on his cheeks that he didn’t have back then but seems to be his normal state now. 

“Boyfriend?” Someone next to me asks, and I jolt at the sound, realizing I’ve been staring at the picture for far too long. I look up at the woman next to me, feeling myself blush. She’s an older woman, in her mid-seventies perhaps, and she’s probably never heard of singer/songwriter Blaine Anderson, and therefore probably doesn’t recognize the man on the picture. Still I feel caught looking at something I shouldn’t be looking at. Sometimes I forget that he’s famous, and that other people know of him and recognize him, so I’m grateful it’s her sitting next to me and not someone my own age.

“No, that was a long time ago,” I answer and return her sweet smile.

“But you wish he still were,” she says, and it’s not a question, more of a confirmation of what she’s noticed from me looking at the picture, most likely with some kind of fond smile playing on my lips. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume,” she continues when I don’t answer.

“It’s alright. There was a time when I wanted more than anything for him to be my boyfriend again, but, yeah, that was a long time ago.” I look down at the picture on my phone again. No point in trying to hide it now when she’s likely to have seen me staring at the picture for a long time.

“He’s a handsome man,” she says and leans in closer to look at the picture.

“Yes, he is. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever known,” I tell her, not knowing why I’m confessing this to her. Not knowing until I say it out loud how true it still is.

She looks at me for a few seconds, and as if she can see right through me, she says. “You only have one life, don’t live with regrets of things you could have done differently. It’s never too late to make a change. Especially not for a young man such as yourself.”

For many situations her words a likely true, but not for this one. 

“That’s a sweet thought,” I tell her, “but for us, I think it is too late.” I put away my phone again. There’s no use in getting nostalgic.

She’s a lovely lady, and we continue to talk. About everything but the man in the picture. It turns out she has two cats, and we spend the greater part of the flight exchanging cat stories.

Her words stick with me though, and when I’m back home in my bed later that night with Sophie curled up next to me, I can’t stop my mind from replaying her words. _Don’t live with regrets of things you could have done differently. It’s never too late to make a change_. I know he lives in New York - that’s not a secret. I could find him if I wanted to, though I’m sure it wouldn’t be as easy as just walking up and knocking on his door. There’s bound to be some security around him.

But even if we live in the same city, our lives are so different now from how it was then. We’re not the same persons anymore. That’s another thing I’ve learned from logging in on my accounts. Blaine seems to be living the typical rock star life. A lot of partying, a lot of drinking and a lot of groupies. I’m not sure about the last part, but rumor has it that he isn’t shy on picking them up on their efforts. I don’t know why I care about it, but it makes me sad somehow. That’s not the Blaine I knew all those years ago. I can’t help but wonder how he became that person.

He has changed so much. So have I. If we met now, there’s nothing to say that we would have that much in common. Or that we would still find that attraction in each other.

Besides, I don’t think he wants to see me. He knows I live in New York, and if he wanted to, he would have found me, right? He knows my reason for not wanting to stay together. But he’s probably forgotten all about me by now, too busy with making music and performing.

I sigh and run my fingers through Sophie’s soft fur. I’m not going to let the words of a sweet, old lady change the views I have of my life. Blaine is a part of my past. My future belongs to someone else, and I’m going to make a greater effort in finding him.


	41. Chapter 41

**Blaine, Sunday August 13th 2017, 7.17 pm**

Walking into my big, empty apartment, a feeling of loneliness strikes me. It always does. I haven’t been here in months, but the place looks surprisingly neat and clean. I make a mental note to thank Maria later. Maria is the small, Costa Rican woman who keeps most of the apartments in this townhouse clean. When I’m at home she comes in once a week to clean and chat. She’s a surprisingly strong and funny woman, and probably the closest thing I have to a family right now. She must have somehow known I was coming back today and taken time from her weekend to come by and clean. Normally she only comes in on Mondays.

I’ve been touring with my latest album since June, mostly within the states but with some detours to South and Central America. Coming home to an empty apartment after having been surrounded by a constant flow of fans, musicians, managers, stage workers, make-up artists, record people, you name it, always leaves me restless. There’s an itch in my body that keeps me from relaxing.

I start pacing around in the apartment (as I always do), opening and closing cabinets, drawers, the fridge (which to my surprise has been filled with food, probably also thanks to Maria), not really looking for anything just needing to keep myself busy. Keep myself from thinking of why I hate to be alone. One would think that after months of being surrounded by people telling me what to do, what not to do, how to act, what to say, I would relish in the silence and solitude. But not me. Silence means that my thoughts get free reigns, and that’s not something I like.

I need to do something. I need something to drink something strong. I take another tour around the apartment, but all the cabinets are empty - not a single drop of alcohol to be found. I check the fridge, maybe Maria added some beers when she went shopping for me. The only drinkable thing in the fridge is water and orange juice. I could run down to the liquor store two blocks away and buy something, but that would still leave me alone in this apartment. Not a desirable option.

Maybe I could go to a bar. I haven’t been to a bar alone in maybe three years, the risk of someone recognizing me is too big. Recognition means autographs and selfies, and having to talk to strangers for an undefinable stretch of time. Something which I normally don’t mind, but also something I’m not in the mood for tonight. But the alternative is to be here alone with my own thoughts, which is worse. So a bar it is.

I head upstairs to take a shower. My music has rewarded me with more money than I know what to do with. I don’t really need an apartment this big, considering how little time I spend here and how much I dislike being here, but having that much money in my bank account seemed ridiculous. So I bought it anyway. Then someone in my team hired someone else to decorate it. Someone with a very different taste than my own, leaving my home to feel as someone else's. But that’s my own fault for not caring enough to give instructions of what I wanted. 

Everything in here is black and white and gray. I would prefer warmer colors. Furnishing is sparse and stylistic. I would prefer old, worn-out furniture with at least _one_ pillow on the couch. My bedroom is bare with only a king size bed, a drawer, a mirror and a nightstand. I hate sleeping in there. It doesn’t feel like home, and that’s one of the many reasons why I spend as little time as possible here. But since the tour just ended, everyone I know is at home with their boyfriends or girlfriends or families, and I know I can’t get anyone to hang out with me tonight.

Except Seb. Seb is not a part of my team. Maybe I can get him to go out with me. I shoot him a quick text.

**Blaine  
Finally off tour. Any plans for tonight?**

A few minutes after my phone buzzes with an incoming text.

**Sebastian  
Been a long time B, glad you’re back in town. Got company tonight, but there’s always room for one more in my bed.**

I know Seb is only joking. Sort of. I’m sure I’d be welcome to join, but he also knows I’d never accept that offer.

**Blaine  
Gross. Catch you another time.**

I get dressed and head downstairs again. Putting on a hoodie and a ball cap, I pick up my keys from where I left them on the hallway table when I walked in. I know a hoodie and a cap is a poor disguise, but maybe I can send out the signal that I want to be alone. Once outside I start walking without really thinking of where I’m heading. It’s a warm summer night, and I’m not alone wandering these streets. Soon I find myself walking into a pub, situated a stair down from street level. It doesn’t look like much from the outside, but inside there’s a cozy atmosphere with a mixed crowd.

I take the place at the end of the bar farthest away from the door, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I scan the room while I wait for the bartender to approach me. The bar is on the short side of the room which otherwise consists of booths along both sides and separate tables in the middle. The mixed crowd is made up of loud college students with cheap bears, patrons who have already had too much to drink, men in their mid-forties with a more expensive taste in beers and girlfriends with cocktails.

The bartender, a young girl in her mid-twenties with long red hair, walks over with a wide grin on her face. Most guys would probably find her attractive, but I’m in no state to notice that tonight. I order a beer, and without indulging in her attempt to converse, I sit alone in my corner of the bar. My mind is busying itself with a hundred different thoughts. Thoughts about the tour, about what I should do now that I have a couple of weeks off, about things I don’t want to think about but are never able to put out of my mind. Quite soon I realize that I need something stronger than beer to get through this night without losing my mind, and call over the bartender to order a whiskey as well.

I’m on my third beer, and third whiskey, when my attention is drawn to one of the booths. Six people are sitting there, three on each side. I probably wouldn’t have noticed them if they weren’t laughing so loudly. This doesn’t seem to be the first establishment they’re visiting tonight. 

There’s something about them that’s preventing me from taking my eyes from them. They seem so relaxed in each other’s company, seem to be having so much fun. It makes me miss the days when I had such friends.

There are three girls on the side that’s facing me, and three men on the other side with their backs towards me. I take a swig of my beer as one of the men, a short Latin American guy, gets up from the booth and approaches the bar. He orders cocktails for all of them, which the red-haired bartender happily mixes.

I take a moment to study the girls, not really understanding why I’m so intrigued by this group of friends. Closest to the wall is a blonde girl who is, by the looks of it, dating the Latin girl sitting next to her. At least they’re kissing and no one of the others seems faced by that. There’s a short, loud, brunette who seems to be dominating the conversation. She also seems to be into the guy sitting across from her, judging by the way they’re playing footsie under the table. From what I can see from his profile, he’s got a pretty face. Almost picture perfect, like a photo model. 

Then there’s the Latin guy, who has now returned to the table with their drinks, the photo model standing up and letting the Latin guy slide into the middle seat. The third guy I can’t really see much of, only his hair is visible above the booth. Hair that seems to be styled into perfection.

I order a fourth whiskey, finally feeling the alcohol relaxing me. I have become addicted to this numbing feeling that only a couple of drinks can bring me. I’m thinking that after a fifth, I will probably be in the right state of mind to return home to my empty apartment. When the red-haired bartender brings me the whiskey, she tries to start up conversation again by asking me if she knows me from somewhere because I look kind of familiar. I answer by telling her, maybe more rude than I need to be, that she must be mistaking me for someone else and pull my cap lower.

I have grown into the life of being famous, but tonight I don’t feel like being a part of that life. It took me years to get used to people recognizing me. I didn’t expect things to happen so fast. My dream was always to perform, to share my music with people who liked it, but I never could have imagined I’d become this. 

At first I wanted to hide from it. Then I took advantage of it. Now I have accepted that this is my life. I like to talk to people who support me, like to give them a little piece of me. It’s the least I can do. But not tonight.

I still don’t like all aspects of my life. There’s still that feeling of loneliness even if I’m rarely alone. Sometimes it feels like my entire life is a charade. That this is only some game we’re playing, and that I humor them by playing along. I give them what they want, and they take what they need in return. But no one really knows me. They know the man I’m pretending to be. It’s okay, it’s the way I want it to be.

A big laughter erupts from the booth with the group of six friends I was studying before. My eyes moves from the amber colored liquid I’ve been staring into back to their table, and I see that there’s only five of them now. The brunette has moved over to the other side, sitting next to the photo model, and the guy with the perfectly styled hair is missing.

I turn my attention back to my whiskey, running my thumb over the rim of the glass, not wanting to draw attention to myself by being caught staring at them. I want to keep a low profile tonight. My visit here has one purpose only.

Drinking has become my rescue. Not to the extent it was before, but it’s still the only thing that can settle that itch when it strikes. I know I should find other ways to deal with it, ways that are less destructive. I’ve had several long conversations with Jeff about this, and, yes, I do see that it only gives me an illusory relief, that it doesn’t make the core problem disappear. But it’s the only way I know how to.

Kurt was my happiness, he was my go-to person. I haven’t felt real happiness since those brief weeks that summer when everything in my life was perfect. When I felt invincible and like nothing could go wrong. My illusions crashed and so did I. Without him I think I lost myself. I lost who I was and who I wanted to be. I still haven’t found my way back. He’s still the reason for that restless feeling inside, and I still miss him. 

I miss our closeness. The way he would let me know I was okay without uttering the words. The way he would hold me tight to reassure me that I wasn’t going crazy. The way he would make me laugh at the most silly things. The way he would kiss me. 

_God, I miss his kisses._

I shake myself free from those thoughts, if I don’t, a fifth whiskey won’t help me tonight. I look around the pub, my eyes wandering back to that group of friends. I think it’s the vibrant atmosphere around them that makes me unable to stop observing them. Something about their loud conversation makes them dominate the entire room, and it’s like they don’t care about everybody watching them. There’s six of them again, the guy with the perfect hair is now sitting next to the Latin girl. For the first time I can see this guy’s face.

When I do, it’s like everything stops. Everything becomes silent around me. All other people in the pub fade away. Only he exists. Only his smile, his laugh, his piercing blue eyes. Eyes that I would recognize anywhere. Eyes that I have seen in my dreams every night for the past five years. 

It’s Kurt.

It can’t be Kurt. I close my eyes and open them again, just to make sure that I’m not imagining him. I’ve been fooled before, and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. But it is him. I haven’t seen him in five years, but there’s no mistake. My heart goes from being still to beating rapidly. Silence turns into a ringing sound in my ears. I feel dizzy, like I’m about to faint. I clutch the edge of the bar to keep myself from falling. 

_What do I do?_

When my body starts to function again, that’s what I ask myself. What do I want to do? I know the answer to that because it’s Kurt, but still I hesitate. My first instinct is to go over and… do what? Say hello? Shake his hand? Hug him? How do you greet an ex-boyfriend that you haven’t seen in years? A friend who isn’t a friend anymore. Someone who has been in your every thought, every breath for five years. Someone you thought you’d never see again. 

Would he even be happy to see me? It was such a long time ago he stopped calling me. He wanted us to be friends, but I couldn’t be that back then. It wouldn't have been possible for me to take a step backwards and pretend to be content with just friendship. My life was a mess, and even if I wanted to answer, I couldn’t. But now he’s here, in this bar, a few feet away from me.

Then a thought strikes me. If the blonde and the Latin girl is a couple, and the brunette and the photo model is a couple, does that mean that Kurt and the Latin guy is also a couple? They’re not sitting next to each other anymore so I can’t tell by their body language if there is something between them. Shit! That is a possibility, right? Why would someone as amazing as Kurt not have a boyfriend? My chest tightens at the thought, and I feel as if I’m about to throw up. 

My mind is spinning with all kinds of thoughts and emotions, the numbing effect of the alcohol that I so desperately wanted, is now in my way. I can’t think properly. I can’t figure out what to do. It’s my Kurt, only he isn’t mine anymore, hasn’t been in a very long time. But God how I wish he were. I’ve never stopped loving him. That’s perfectly clear to me now. Even if five years ago I was sure that he gave up on us, gave up on me, and even if I resented him for not supporting me for pursuing my dream, my heart has always belonged to him. I wish I could wipe away those five years and pretend that they never existed, that we were never apart and that I could go over there and claim him as mine.

“Do you want another one?” The bartender asks, and I suddenly remember that I’m in a pub, and that there are other people here besides me and Kurt. I quickly look away from him.

“Uhm…” Is all I manage to produce, too rapt by Kurt’s presence to put together a proper sentence.

“Are you okay?” She asks in a worried tone. “You look like you’re going to be sick. Maybe some water instead?” 

She starts pouring me a glass of water, but the interruption of the outer world makes me realize I have to get out of here. I need to get away from him before he notices me. Those five years can’t be washed away. They’re there like a bad stain that won’t be erased. I can't change what happened, it’s too late.

I take out a few tens, not sure how many but sure that it’s enough to cover my charges and leave her a big tip. I throw them on the bar and then I flee the pub.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last of the six "middle" chapters as I like to call them. From here on out the story will continue to follow the boys (or maybe they're men now) on a more daily basis, without big time jumps.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I always mean to thank you for your comments and Kudos, but I always forget. So, thank you! They mean more to me than you know :)  
> I also always forget to mention roxymusicandlayers who does an incredible job as my beta. All my kudos to you!

**Blaine, Friday September 1st 2017, 9.44 pm**

“Another one?” Rose asks, pours me a new whiskey before I get the chance to answer, and slides it along the bar to where I’m sitting. She knows me well, Rose. I catch the glass and thank her by raising it in a cheer, in return she raises her glass of water. Rose is the quite fitting name of the red-haired bartender I’m now quite familiar with. I wouldn’t call her my friend because we’re not that close, but I do see her every night, and she is a good listener. I guess it’s part of her job, but she never acts as though I’m bothering her. I think she rather likes my company.

I’ve been coming back to the same bar every night since I ran away from it three weeks ago. It took me quite some time to find it as I didn’t really know where I was heading when I left my apartment in search of something to distract myself with. And I didn’t exactly pay attention to my surroundings when I fled the pub. I couldn’t ask anyone of its whereabouts because I didn't know its name. Instead I ended up wandering around Chelsea for a few hours before I finally found the pub a stair down from street level. _The Flying Duck_. That’s the name of this Irish pub that has become my second home.

That first night after I saw Kurt, I rushed home, only stopping to buy a bottle of whiskey, and spent the rest of the night getting wasted. I passed out on my couch while trying to figure out what just happened. The next day, I woke up with a throbbing headache but also with a new determination. Seeing him made me realize that he lives in New York. I mean, I know he moved here, and I had my guesses that he would still be here, but seeing him with my own eyes made that fact real. He is real. He’s not a dream from my past. He’s here and so am I, and maybe there is a reason why I ran into him. All I know is that I want Kurt to be a part of my life again. 

My life has been nothing but a mess since we left each other back then. Now there’s a possibility to change that. I want a second chance with him. I’m not going to lie about that. I never stopped loving him. Maybe he did, but I don’t want to make assumptions. I need to see him again and find out if there’s anything left, or if it actually is too late. 

So I’ve been coming back to the Flying Duck every night, hoping that he will return, hoping to get a chance to talk to him. Hoping that he wants to talk to me. I might be naïve sometimes, but I’m not stupid. I did ignore his calls for almost a year, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t want to talk to me now. And there’s also a chance that he is dating that Latin guy. But I’m not letting any of those details discourage me.

The only problem – Kurt hasn’t returned to the Flying Duck. I don’t know if he ever will, maybe this isn’t the part of town he usually goes to. Maybe that night was a one-off from his and his friends’ normal hangouts. They did all look a little overdressed for an Irish pub. Maybe they usually frequent the posher parts of town. There’s a whole lot of maybes, but I’m not letting those bring me down. I don’t know where else to look for him, and I figured if he came here once, he might return. It’s all I have to go on, so I’m going to cling to that.

While waiting for him, I get to spend time with Rose. She knows who I am by now, it took about five nights before she figured it out. Not that she’s star struck by that, on the contrary, she thinks my music is crap, which I find liberating. When I’m on tour, I’m surrounded by people who tell me how great I am 24/7, and it can get quite overwhelming from time to time. So having someone not liking my music is refreshing and a welcome change. She likes to make fun of my “sappy” love songs and quote my lyrics in funny voices. Which means that she has actually taken time to listen to them and memorized the lyrics, which I take as a sign that they can’t be that horrible.

I usually stay by the far end of the bar, same place every night. That spot is always vacant, and I have sort of claimed it as mine. I don’t think that any of the patrons would try to take that place anymore even if all the other stools around the bar were taken. It’s a quiet night tonight, despite it being Friday, probably because it’s Labor Day weekend and most have fled the city for one last long weekend before summer really ends. This means that Rose has time to stand and talk to me.

“Are you heading out of the city for the weekend?” She asks while polishing the counter top with a moist rag.

“No,” is my simple answer.

“What, no friends or family to visit out of state?”

“Somebody needs to keep you company, right?” I deflect, trying to pretend that it doesn’t hurt me that I don’t have any friends or family to visit. Sure I have people I hang out with, but they’re all connected to the record label, and I don’t know if I would call them friends. Maybe Sebastian, but he’s out somewhere in the Hamptons with his latest conquest, and maybe Jeff and Nick but they have gone back to Ohio to visit family for the weekend. 

Family… well I don’t really have that either. Kurt and Burt were pretty much my family growing up, and, well, I don’t have them anymore. It’s my own fault for ending all connections to both of them. It would have been too painful to keep in contact with Burt, so I never answered his calls. Eventually he stopped calling, too.

My mom… I haven’t talked to her since she chose Donald over me. She’s tried contacting me, but I’ve ignored her calls, much like I have ignored calls from everyone else from my past. I don’t need someone like that in my life. As for my brother, we didn’t have any contact after I refused to fly out to see my dad. He has called me a few times after I started to become famous, but I’m not interested in keeping in touch with him if he only wants to talk to me when I’ve made a name for myself. Besides I’ve changed my number now, kind of had to after one too many of my fans gotten hold of it, so I don’t have to screen his calls anymore.

“I’m a big girl. I think I can manage a few nights without you babysitting me,” Rose teases. “So what’s your real reason for not getting out of town?”

“Didn’t know I needed a reason to stay,” I say while trying to find an answer that will make her leave this subject, “besides I’ve been on the road for over two months, so it’s kind of nice to just be at home.” My place has never felt like home, but she doesn’t need to know that.

She’s not buying my excuse though. “Or are you still waiting for that mystery person to walk through that door?”

I take a sip from my glass before I answer her question. Rose knows that the reason I show up here every night is because I’m waiting for someone, whom I’ve seen here once, to return. She doesn’t know any more details than that though. She doesn’t know that he’s the love of my life or that I lost him once but am hoping to have him back. I suspect she understands that I wouldn’t sit here and wait for just anyone, and she has probably figured out that this is a very special person to me.

“Cause I gotta tell you,” she continues, “it looks like a mission dead in the water.”

“You don’t know that.”

“It’s been what, three weeks, B? Don’t think it’s gonna happen. Not that I don’t enjoy your company, but you’re gonna come back here every night until she returns? What if she never does?”

I also haven’t mentioned that I’m gay, not because I’m embarrassed about who I am, that phase I moved away from a long time ago, but because it hasn’t come up in conversation.

“Then I guess you’ll have the pleasure of enjoying my company for the rest of your life. Or at least until I have to be back in the studio.”

“What does she have that is so special?” Rose asks with a level of interest that she hasn’t shown before. She has stopped cleaning the bar and is now standing opposite me.

Before I can answer, I hear the door open, and because it’s a quiet evening, both mine and Rose’s eyes move in the direction of the door. I hear their laughter before I see them. It’s loud and has everyone in here looking at them as they enter.

First I recognize the small brunette when she enters, then the Latin girl. It’s the same girls I saw with Kurt that night. My hope is starting to raise. So are my nerves. What if Kurt is with them tonight? There is a third blonde girl, but not the same as three weeks ago. She’s holding up the door for someone and calls “come on”. When the fourth person enters the pub, relief and more nerves wash over me. It is Kurt. 

I turn away slightly from the group of four friends, pulling my cap lower over my brow. I need time to prepare myself before I do this. I feel Rose’s eyes darting between me and the group of people that just walked in.

“It’s one of them, isn’t it?” She says excitedly.

“Sssh,” I hush her. “I don’t want them to see me.”

“What? Don’t tell me you’re going to sit here and not approach them?” Rose asks skeptically, a little too loudly for my liking.

“Could you keep your voice down?” I hiss at her. Rose looks sternly at me with her hands on her hips like she can’t believe that I’m a) hissing at her and b) hiding away when this is what I’ve been waiting for for weeks. “I will, I just wasn’t prepared for this.”

“Not prepared? Haven’t you been preparing yourself for exactly this moment for three weeks?”

I have and I haven’t. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I didn’t actually expect to see him here again. “Just leave me alone and go and do your work,” I grunt at her.

“Oh my, you’ve got it bad,” Rose says with an amused smile. “Which one is it? Wait let me guess.” She looks over at the group who has taken a seat in one of the empty booths. “The Latin American looking girl. No, wait, the blonde looks more like your type. Unless you’re into the whole innocent school girl type, then it’s definitely the short one.”

“It’s none,” I say. “It’s him.”

Rose looks at me with an arched eyebrow, an amused expression spreading across her face. “Well aren’t you full of surprises, Mr. Rock Star. I do see the appeal however. He’s cute.”

“He’s also very gay, so you can put those thoughts aside, thank you.” I say in a tone that is harsher than it needs to be.

Rose lifts her hands in the air in an apologetic manner. “Look at you all possessive. I’m just saying I see why you would come back here every night for that.”

“You don’t know him, don’t objectify him,” I snap.

“Okay, you need to relax B. I’m just trying to be nice,” Rose says a little offended.

I sigh to myself. I’m edgy, and I’m taking it out on Rose, which isn’t fare. It’s just, how come I’m not more prepared for this? “Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I haven’t talked to him for five years, and I’m a little nervous.”

“Wow, five years, and you’re still not over him. There’s a story there I bet.”

“There is,” I say. But not one I feel like sharing tonight.

“Excuse me!” Someone calls from the other side of the bar. We both look up at the same time. It’s the blonde girl from Kurt’s group of friends. She looks vaguely familiar, I try to remember from where, but I can’t quite place her. “Can I get some help over here?”

Rose leaves me with a look that’s saying ‘you’re telling me that story someday even if I have to force it from your lips,’ and walks over to the blonde girl. While the girl gives her order and Rose starts to mix some colorful cocktails, I have time to think about how to approach him. I figure there’s a slim chance that all three girls will leave him alone to go to the restroom, so I’ll have to do this with an audience. Not exactly the way I planned to do it. Come to think of it, I didn’t plan this at all. All my focus has been on finding him again, not what I would actually say or do when I found him. _Fuck!_ I should have thought this through more.

As the blonde girl returns to the booth with their cocktails, Rose stays on the other side of the bar, which I am grateful for. I don’t think I could handle her questions or being nice to her right now. Since my brain is too wired up to think, I decide to just walk over to him and say hello and wing it from there. I take off my cap, the one I’m always wearing that makes me feel a bit more anonymous. Although in reality, I’m not sure if I’m fooling anyone or if the reason no one approaches me is because they don’t know who I am.

I feel Rose’s eyes on me as I get up from my stool, but ignore her and focus all my energy on Kurt. He’s sitting with his back against the bar, so he doesn’t see me walking over. The blonde girl sitting across from him does however see me, and it’s evident from her eyes widening that she recognizes me. Before she gets the opportunity to alert Kurt, I am there, standing next to him.

“Hi Kurt,” I say. 

He looks up at me, first with confusion on his face. Confusion that changes to bewilderment, then to disbelief and finally to surprise.

“Blaine?” He says as if his eyes are playing tricks on him. Okay so maybe he’s still in the disbelief phase.

“I saw you walk in so I thought I’d come over to say hello,” I say to him. He still looks a little bewildered.

“Okay, hello,” Kurt says flatly. He doesn’t look that happy to see me.

Maybe this was a stupid idea. In my mind when I imagined us reconnecting, he was a lot more enthusiastic. He kind of jumped out of his seat and hugged me and smiled and said it was great to see me. The real life version sucks.

I look at his friends. The blonde girl is staring at Kurt, like she’s trying to convey a message through telepathy. I can see from where I’m standing that she’s frantically kicking his leg to get his attention. When she notices me looking at her, she looks away, pretending not to pay attention to what’s going on. The brunette and the Latin girl on the other hand, are both staring at me. Their expression show both recognition and confusion. They recognize who I am, but they seem to have no clue what I’m doing here.

I have no clue what I’m doing here either. An awkward silence is spreading amongst us. This was a mistake. Walking over here without having prepared what to say, expecting him to be happy to see me, expecting this to be anything but awkward. _I’m such an idiot!_ Of course, he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I need to leave before I make more of a fool of myself.

Before I can make my excuse though, Kurt starts talking. “I’m sorry, where are my manners? Maybe you remember Ali?” He says and points at the blonde girl. I remember Ali, although I think I’ve only met her once, but I remember Kurt becoming friends with her. She extends her hand and I shake it. She does not look happy to see me either. “And these are my friends Rachel and Santana.” He gestures towards the other two girls. “Rachel and Santana this is Blaine.”

He simply introduces me as Blaine. Not my friend Blaine. Not my ex-boyfriend Blaine. Just Blaine. I don’t know what to make of that. Rachel, the small brunette, eagerly reaches out her hand to greet me. So does Santana after a while, though she is eying me suspiciously. 

“Nice to meet you all,” I say and try to put on a genuine smile, but the whole situation is still so, so awkward. Kurt’s eyes dart all over the place but refuses to land on me. I can’t tell if he is nervous or just uncomfortable, if I’m making him uncomfortable. The urge to get out of here returns. “Okay, I’m not going to disturb your evening anymore, just wanted to say hello. Enjoy your evening.”

It isn’t until then that Kurt looks up at me. There’s something in his eyes that I can’t decipher, but all previous indications of confusion, surprise, nervousness and uncomfortableness are gone, and replaced by something else. Something like… affection? But it’s gone just as quickly as it appeared and Kurt looks away again.

As I turn and walk away, I hear one of the girls call after me, “Nice meeting you!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will pick up where this one ends but from Kurt's POV.


	43. Chapter 43

**Kurt, Friday September 1st 2017, 10.37 pm**

“Nice meeting you!” Rachel calls out as Blaine leaves our table. A quick glance over my shoulder tells me that Blaine says goodbye to the bartender before he leaves. It looks like she’s trying to talk to him, but he just waves her off, takes a cap that’s been laying on the bar counter and leaves. She looks after him with a sympathetic expression. Then her gaze turns towards me, and I quickly return my focus to our table.

There I am met by a glaring Santana and Rachel. “I think there’s something you forgot to tell us,” Santana says.

“What?” I ask, still a bit taken aback with what just happened.

“Like the fact that you know Blaine Anderson, as in the singer you’ve obviously been pretending not to like,” Santana continues.

Oh yeah, there’s that. Rachel and Santana are both big fans of singer/songwriter Blaine Anderson, but since I can’t listen to his music without tearing up or starting to remember things I’ve been working hard to forget, I’ve told them that I don’t like his music, that I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Anything to not have to fall apart and explain things I’d rather forget.

“We went to high school together,” I say, not sure why that’s all I say.

“You went to high school with Blaine Anderson, and you never told us about it?!” Rachel exclaims, and I nod, too much still in a stage of disbelief that Blaine was just here to say anything else.

“Wait a minute,” Santana says after a few seconds. “Are you telling me that Blaine Anderson, pop music sensation Blaine Anderson, is the same Blaine that you spent months moping over even after we moved in together?”

Oh God, I didn’t think she’d put the pieces together that fast. Now I have to deal with this without having time to process. Without knowing how I feel about just having met Blaine. Ugh, I don’t want to deal with Santana’s and Rachel’s questions.

“Yes, he is,” Ali answers when I don’t.

“And you knew this?” Santana says, sounding as if she can’t believe both Ali and I kept this from her.

“Yes, we went to high school together, remember. The first night I met Kurt, he and Blaine were having a fight, and I gave him space to breathe. We’ve been friends ever since.”

“And you failed to mention this to us because?” Santana’s question is aimed at me.

I get her curiosity, if the situation was reversed, I’d have a million questions too, but right now I’m not in the right frame of mind to talk about him or what happened between us. Yet words pour out of me as something inside me snaps.

“Because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it! Because I didn’t want to hear your constant shout outs that _Hey, your ex-boyfriend is on the radio!_ Because I didn’t want the constant reminders! Because I wanted to forget him!”

My voice is loud, making everyone around the table - and probably the people in the booth next to us, too - go dead silent. I’m stressed about having seen him. My mind is spinning, and I don’t know what to think. I had reconciled with the idea that I would never see or talk to him again, and now it’s like a wound has been torn open, and I’m bleeding. I don’t even know if I’m happy or sad or upset or anything at all that he walked up and talked to me just like that.

“Sorry,” I say after a few moments when I have gathered myself. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.” 

“Kurt, what’s going on?” Ali asks, her voice calm and gentle.

“I don’t know…” I answer.

“I thought you were over-”

“I am,” I say quickly, killing that conversation before it even can begin. I am over him.

It’s just… Seeing him in person…

“Are you telling me that Blaine Anderson is gay?” Rachel asks with a confused expression on her face.

“That’s the first thing you wonder about?” Santana asks looking unbelievingly at Rachel. “News flash, Rachel, yes, he is gay. Or bi. From what I hear he likes both.”

The thought of Blaine with a woman makes my stomach clench. Actually, the thought of Blaine with anyone one makes me uncomfortable. But it shouldn’t, _should it?_ That was such a long time ago. Of course, he’s been with other people, I know he has. I have too. So why does it make me feel so uneasy?

“Really?” Rachel says her eyes drifting away like she’s imagining Blaine with both men and women.

“Okay,” Santana says while rolling her eyes at Rachel, “let’s focus on the fact that Lady Hummel’s ex is Blaine Anderson, and he didn’t tell us about it instead,” Santana continues, shifting her focus back to me. I wished she would just drop it. I need to be alone with my thoughts. I need to process what just happened and how I feel about it. But I know Santana won’t leave things be, she never does once she has got wind of something this juicy.

“I think we should talk about something else,” Ali comes to my rescue. “Where do you want to go next?”

“Oh, no, no. This is the best thing I’ve heard in weeks,” Santana says, clearly with no intention of letting it go.

“Can’t you see it’s making Kurt uncomfortable?” Ali says while nudging her head at me.

“But why, it’s just an ex. Can’t count the number of times I’ve run into my exes, doesn’t mean I turn into a mess,” Santana says, still focusing on me.

That’s exactly what I feel like. An emotional mess with a slight trouble to breathe. He shouldn’t be able to affect me like this. Not after a five-minute conversation that was barely a conversation. All I remember saying was ‘Hello’ and not in a very nice way. 

But he does. 

“Because I thought he was the one,” I finally say, feeling the heavy truth in those words. “The one I would spend the rest of my life with. When it was clear that wasn’t going to happen, it took me a long time to get over him. But seeing him again… I don’t know…”

I don’t know what to say because I don’t know how I feel about seeing him. I’m still angry at him for what happened back then, but I’m also angry at myself for not being able to let it go. 

“Wait, does this mean you’re going to break up with Rafi now?” Rachel has returned from her daydream and adds another insightful question to the conversation.

_Shit!_ I haven’t even for one second thought about Rafi since I saw Blaine. God, I’m such a crappy boyfriend. Rafi and I have been dating for… is it three or four months? I can’t even remember… I’m officially the worst boyfriend.

“Of course, he isn’t,” Ali answers. “Right, Kurt?”

“What?” I say, not really able to pay attention because of the guilt I’m feeling.

“Tell me you’re not stupid enough to think about leaving Rafi for an idiot who doesn’t return your calls.”

“No, of course not. Why would I do that?” I say quickly. I wasn’t thinking about breaking up with Rafi because I wasn’t thinking about him at all. But now the thought is there… I quickly discard it though because it’s all very silly. Why would I even be thinking about him in terms of a boyfriend? Just because Blaine came over to say hello doesn’t mean I’m going to see him again, doesn’t mean by any means that he wants to get back together with me. It was just a random hello, and now he’s going to disappear out of my life again. That thought actually makes me feel a little better.

“Good,” Rachel says. “I think Rafi is a keeper. He’s been good to you. I don’t think I ever seen you as happy as you’ve been since you started dating him.”

“I agree,” Ali quickly adds in. It’s not a huge surprise that she thinks I should stay with Rafi. And there is no reason why I should even be thinking of another outcome.

“You know what?” Rachel suddenly says. “Mission accomplished. I actually feel a lot better after spending this night with you. Thank you, Kurt, for showing me that it could be worse. At least I didn’t picture myself spending the rest of my life with Brody.”

Rachel and Brody recently broke up. I think Rachel was the one to end it, but she’s been moping around the apartment she still shares with Santana and Ali, and Ali thought a night on the town would be the perfect way to get her to move on and feel better. I’m glad Rachel is feeling better, that I could help with that, but her words sting. I don’t have the energy though to point out to her how hurtful what she just said was.

The plan is to continue the night going dancing somewhere, but I don’t feel like dancing anymore. When Ali, Rachel and Santana are ready to move on, I excuse myself telling them that I’m tired and want to go home. They try to convince me to tag along, but I don’t budge. My mind is somewhere else, filled with Blaine. I know there’s a slim to none chance I will see him again, and thinking about him will only make me miserable.

But I just can’t stop. 

Ali pulls me aside, asking me if I’m really okay. I assure her that I am, but I’m pretty sure she can see that I’m not. She raises an eyebrow at my answer, and I give in and tell her that, okay I may not be fine right now, but I will be. I just need to be alone tonight. Tomorrow everything will be better. She thinks it’s a terrible idea and offers to come with me, but I stand my ground. I need to be alone with my thoughts. She reluctantly lets me go when I promise to call her tomorrow.

I hug them goodbye, then pull my coat closer around me as I start walking home. It’s getting chillier, and it’s clear that the summer is coming to an end. The streets of New York are never empty, but tonight they seem a little less crowded, and I walk an entire block without running into anyone.

During the walk home I force myself not to think about Blaine, instead I think about Rafi. Still feeling guilty for not thinking about him earlier, I pull out my phone and send him a text asking him if he wants to meet me on Monday evening when he returns. Rafi is from Los Angeles, well originally from Mexico, but his family lives in Los Angeles. He flew out to spend Labor Day weekend with them. He’s been in New York working the entire summer, and he missed them and wanted to see them. 

Rafi also works at Marc Jacobs as a stylist. We met when he was staging a photo shoot for a collection that I had co-designed with Cassandra. My job has taken a different turn since I gathered up enough nerves to finally show her my designs. She loved some of them, disliked some others, but not enough to make me return to being just her assistant. She said she wanted to see more and gave me an assignment to draw some designs for the spring collection for next year. I did and showed them to her. After some modification suggestions from her side, she showed them to her boss, who liked them enough team me up with Cassandra for more designs.

When we were shooting ad pictures for the spring collection, Rafi was there, and he immediately caught my attention. He was cute and good at his job, but I didn’t initiate anything. Rafi was the one who approached me, with a question about if the setting was as I had imagined it. I didn’t understand why he was asking me that because it was his job to come up with the setting. But it was just an excuse to start talking to me he told me later, and that was a good thing. We went out for dinner later that night, and a few nights later I followed him home for the first time.

Rafi is a lot of fun, but I don’t know how serious we are. We have a great time together, but is he the one I picture spending the rest of my life with? I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it until now, haven’t had a reason to think about it. Rafi and I are all about having fun and living in the moment. The future is happening anyway, why worry about it?

There’s no reason to be thinking about things like that. Nothing is going to change in my life. Just because I saw Blaine for like five minutes doesn’t mean anything in my life is about to change. I pocket my phone again and continue walking until I reach my apartment. I walk up the two flights of stairs to my floor and pull out the key from my pocket to unlock my door. Once inside I toss the keys in the bowl on the dresser by the door, kick off my shoes and head straight to bed. 

I throw myself down on top of the covers, and Sophie quickly comes out of her hiding and finds a spot next to me where she curls up and starts purring. I stroke her lazily and she flips around, wanting me to scratch her belly. As hard as I’ve been trying not to think about Blaine on my walk home, it’s now impossible not to when there are no distractions. He looked good, a little worn, but oh he looked good. My whole body reacts to the image of Blaine that is now all I can picture. His eyes, his curls, his lips…

_Fuck!_ I groan to myself. Why am I doing this to myself? I will never see him again, so why am I letting him affect me? Why am I even thinking about him? He hurt me all those years ago, he made a choice not to have any contact with me, and it’s taken me years and a lot of tears and lonely nights to finally get to a place where I feel like I can move on. I have Rafi now. I’m not going to let him walk back into my life and ruin that. He lost his right to affect any part of my life a long time ago. I’m not going to let him do that now. Blaine is in my past, and he’s going to stay there.

My phone buzzes with an incoming text. I smile to myself, expecting it to be a reply from Rafi. I’m going to be a much better, more attentive boyfriend from now on. But when I pull out my phone, it’s not a text from Rafi. It’s from an unknown number. Normally I ignore messages from unknown numbers, but I open it before my brain can register it’s not from Rafi.

**Unknown**  
Hi Kurt. I don’t know if you still have this number, but I’m willing to take the chance of making a fool of myself and try it anyway. It was really good seeing you tonight. I’m sorry if I interrupted but I couldn’t pass on the opportunity to say hello.  
/Blaine 

It’s from Blaine. My heart does a weird double-flip, it doesn’t appear to have gotten the message that Blaine belongs in the past. A few seconds later there’s another text.

**Unknown  
Hi again. If you are not Kurt – I’m sorry to bother you. Just delete my texts and I won’t disturb you again.**

I smile even though I don’t want to. Blaine still has my number. Wait, does this mean he wants to keep in contact with me? Do I want that? No matter how much I know the answer to that should be no, I can’t deny to myself that I do. No matter how much I shouldn’t do it, no matter how much I should just ignore him, I have to answer his text. 

**Kurt  
This is still my number, can’t believe you still have it. It was good seeing you too. Sorry if I seemed distant, but I was surprised to see you there, not the first place I expected to run into you.**

**Unknown  
Don’t worry about it, I wasn’t at my best either. Wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk to me or not, so I was a bit nervous. Wasn’t sure if sending you a text was a good idea either.**

**Kurt  
I’m glad you did, both coming over and sending the text.**

I don’t know what I’m doing, but it feels strangely normal to text with him. It shouldn’t though, I should be mad at him for a million different reasons, and I am, and there’s a million other reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this, but there’s not much that could make me stop now. 

Unknown  
I'm glad you feel that way

I’m not sure how to answer that. I’m sure I don’t want this texting session to be over yet though. While I try to figure out what to write next, I enter his number into my contact list. Sophie has curled back into a ball by my side, and I run my fingers through her fur while I think. I don’t have to think too hard about it as there’s soon a new text from Blaine.

**Blaine  
I would like to see you again, just grab a cup of coffee or something**

My stroking motions stop, and Sophie turns her head to give me an unappreciative stare. The thought of seeing Blaine again makes me both stupidly excited and equally terrified. Is it really a good idea? Letting him back into my life again? After everything I’ve been through to get over him. I type my reply with one hand while I continue stroking Sophie with the other.

**Kurt  
I’m not sure it’s a good idea… **

**Blaine  
It’s just coffee, I’ll even treat you to a cookie :)**

I scoff to myself, like that’s gonna make me want to see him. The thing is, I do want to see him even though I know it’s a bad idea. There are so many things that I want answers to, but I’m not sure I’m ready to rip all those old wounds open again.

**Blaine  
Please Kurt, it’s been such a long time. I have missed hanging out and talking to you. I have missed you**

_Oh fuck…_ What does he mean by that? And why are there butterflies in my stomach when I read those words? I run my hand stressfully through my hair, trying to sort out my thoughts. He probably only means he missed me as his friend, right? Because that is okay, I have missed him as a friend, too. Maybe we can be friends again. Maybe I can get some answers that would let me have closure. I shouldn’t let the opportunity to have closure slip me by, that would be stupid. Before I can change my mind, I quickly type a reply

**Kurt  
Ok. When?**

**Blaine  
How about tomorrow? Or Sunday? I know a quiet place we’re we not likely to be interrupted.**

_Interrupted?_ Why would we be interrupted? But then I remember. He isn’t just Blaine anymore. He’s famous and can probably not move around in the city as he likes without having the risk of being spotted by a fan. I’m free tomorrow, but I don’t want to seem too eager to meet him, so I decide Sunday is a better choice.

**Kurt  
How about Sunday? When & where?**

He sends me a text with the name and address of a place I’ve never heard of before, and tells me to be there at four. He ends it with a ‘Can’t wait to see you again’.

When we have stopped texting, a pang of guilt hits me. Should I really be seeing him? Isn’t that a betrayal to Rafi on some level? But then I realize how stupid I’m being, just because I’m meeting up with Blaine, it doesn't change anything. Doesn’t change how I feel about Rafi. Doesn't change how I feel about Blaine and our past. It’s just an opportunity to clear the air and move on. That’s all.

Satisfied with that conclusion, I close my eyes for just a second, suddenly feeling very tired. Tonight has been emotionally exhausting, and I feel the effects of that now. The seconds soon turns into minutes and hours as I drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From the next chapter the long chapters are back - but longer chapters means lots of Kurt and Blaine interactions :)  
> Next Blaine and Kurt will meet and talk.


	44. Chapter 44

**Blaine, Sunday September 3rd 3.50 pm, 2017**

I got here early because I wanted to make sure we got one of the tables in the back of the coffee shop, somewhere where we’re least likely to be disturbed. There’s a small room with four tables in the back, which you have to go around the counter to find. It’s not visible from the door so it’s the perfect place. I’ve texted Kurt where I’m sitting so that he’ll find me.

A grande nonfat mocha with a splash of cinnamon is standing across from me. I hope that’s what he’s still drinking - at least it used to be when we were in high school. There’s also the chocolate chip cookie that I promised him. I rearrange the plate and the mug for maybe the fifth time. I want everything to be perfect; I don’t want to screw anything up. I know the way things are arranged doesn’t determine whether this coffee date goes well or not, but I’m fidgety and need something to do while I wait.

I’ve had to tell myself that this isn’t a real date, even if I would want it to be. Like _really_ want it to be. But it’s not. Kurt didn’t even think it was a good idea for us to meet, although it didn’t take too much convincing to make him agree to it. No, this is just two friends meeting up for coffee. So why does it feel like my future depends on how this coffee-date goes? 

I know what I want. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since I first saw him a few weeks ago. But then again, Kurt is always in my thoughts, he always has been. The difference now is I don’t feel the need to drown the memories of him in alcohol. My life has been a mess on so many different levels since we went our separate ways, the only way I know how to fix it is to get Kurt back into my life. 

But I don’t know him anymore, and I don’t know what meeting me means to him. He didn’t seem thrilled to see me the other day, and he didn’t think it was a good idea for us to meet, but he was also glad that I went up to him and that I texted him. I’ve been reading those texts so many times that I know them by heart. Even so, I can’t figure out if he thinks this is a bad idea or if he’s actually happy to see me.

I pick out my phone, checking the time for what feels like the hundredth time since I arrived. I put it back down on the table again, thinking about rearranging the napkins, but when I look up. Kurt is there, standing beside the table. I’m about to get up and hug him, but he sits down before I can do so, and it becomes an awkward half-standing before I sit down again.

“Hi,” I say, “thanks for coming.” 

_Why does this feel so awkward and formal?_

Kurt gives me a quizzical look, but then proceeds to take off his coat and hang it over the back of his chair. “No problem,” he says, copying my formal tone. “You didn’t have to buy me coffee. I could have done that myself.”

“I asked you out,” I start, but quickly realize how that sounds, and, God, I don’t want him to think that I’m making presumptions. I feel my cheeks heat and hear myself stutter. “I-I mean, I asked you to meet me here so it’s only fair I buy you coffee. And I did promise you that cookie, too.”

Kurt offers me a small smile and takes a sip of his coffee. His smiles grows wider. “You remember.”

“Of course, I do,” I say, feeling more than a little relieved that his coffee order is still the same. “How could I forget?”

“I take it you’re having a medium drip then.”

Ah, Kurt remembers too. That simple statement makes me feel all fuzzy inside. I flash him a smile in return. “You remember too.”

There’s a slight blush on his face, which I find rather adoring, as he looks at me and nods. I remember how he, when we were younger, used to blush whenever he got slightly embarrassed or when he had done something he found silly or just something that was out of character for him. Which was quite a lot back then. He used to be shy then. I wonder if he still is.

I dawns on me how little I know of his life now, who he is, what he does for a living. Does he have a job? Did he study fashion, like he planned to? Or did his plans change when he came to New York? Where does he live? What does he like to do on a day off? Does he have a boyfriend...? For obvious reasons that won’t be the first question I ask, but it’s probably the one I mostly want an answer to.

Being the one who asked him to meet me here, I feel like I should be the one making conversation. But I’m nervous and absolutely stunned by the fact that Kurt is sitting across from me. I’ve fantasized about this exact moment so many lonely nights -- us sitting across from each other, talking, catching up, laughing. It was always easy, always with an underlying tone of mutual attraction. This is something else.

I take a few seconds to look at him while he takes another sip of his coffee. The previous two times I’ve seen him, I’ve been either too shocked or too nervous to take in how he looks. He looks good, better than good. He looks amazing. He always has, but the past five years have treated him well. He looks less boyish, more like a man, but still with that perfectly coiffed hair, and those drownable (is that even a word?) blue eyes. His shoulders are broader and he somehow seems taller. His smile is the same, although today it’s not as bright as it was then.

I realize that I’m staring, and that he’s giving me a strange look. I quickly avert my gaze and take a sip of my coffee. _Speak_. I need to say something, anything.

“How are you?” It sounds stupid coming out of my mouth, but it’s the only thing I can think of to say.

“I’m good,” Kurt answers automatically, back to being formal, “and you?”

“I’m good, too. So… ehm…” 

_God, why am I so nervous and why does this feel so awkward?_ I want this meeting to be perfect, but how can it be perfect if I can’t even pull myself together enough to talk to him? It’s just Kurt, I try to tell myself, I’ve known him half my life. There are a lot of things I would like to know, picking a subject to talk about shouldn’t be this hard. 

“What do you do these days? Did you study fashion like you planned to?”

“I did,” Kurt says, this time with a genuine smile. “It was the most intense four years of my life. A lot of hard work but also a lot of fun. I had this really great professor, Professor Steinman, and he helped me get a job as an assistant at Marc Jacobs.”

“Wow, Marc Jacobs, that’s great!” I say feeling ridiculously happy for him. I know how much that job must mean to him. “What does an assistant at Marc Jacobs do?” I ask trying to convey my enthusiasm for him.

“A lot of things, but my job was to help one of the designers with whatever she might need. But that’s not my job anymore.”

“No?”

“No, one time I showed Cassandra, that’s my boss, some of my own designs and she sort of liked them. One thing led to another and now I have co-designed a collection with her.” I can hear it in his voice, see it on his face, how proud he is, how happy he is about his job. And by all rights, he should be. I’m totally blown away by this news.

“That’s amazing! Wow, Kurt, you’re living your dream. I’m so happy for you!” I say and see how Kurt blushes again at my praise.

“I guess I am,” he says bashfully

“What do you mean, you guess? This is exactly what you said you dreamed you would be doing when you grew up, and now you’re doing it! It’s so great!”

“It is great,” Kurt says and then lowers his voice, leans in slightly, which makes me lean in too, and continues conspiratorially, “sometimes, it feels like it’s too good to be true, that it’s all a dream, and that I’m soon going to wake up.” He then sits back and laughs a little before he continues in his normal voice. “But it’s been over six months, and so far nobody has come to waken me up.”

I laugh with him. “I really am happy for you, Kurt. Not many people get to do what they’ve always dreamed of.”

“You do,” Kurt says, and I feel my smile die. I do, but I had to pay a high price to do it. Too high. “You’re like famous now, Blaine. Is it everything you dreamed it would be?”

 _No!!!_ Is what I want to scream. _I fucking hate it. I’m lonely, and I’m miserable, and nothing is fun when I don’t have you to share it with._ But I don’t.

“I guess,” I say instead. “I get to write music and travel the country, so that’s nice.”

“Nice?” Kurt asks with a quirked eyebrow.

“It gets a little lonely sometimes…” When Kurt looks at me with an inquiring expression, I regret my words. I don’t want to talk about lonely nights on tour stops. I don’t want feel those feelings or end up in that frame of mind. I quickly change my tune to avoid it. “But, yeah, it’s what I’ve always wanted to do, so that’s great.”

Kurt continues to look at me with a quirked eyebrow for a few seconds, but then he lets it go. “I’ve heard some of your songs; they’re really good.”

“Yeah? You’ve heard them?” _They’re all about you…_

“Yeah, well, they do play you an awful lot on the radio,” Kurt says teasingly. “Even across the Atlantic in Paris I couldn’t get away from your voice.”

There’s so many things in that sentence that I find intriguing. Kurt’s been to Paris? What did he do there? My music is being played in Paris? Kurt recognized it? It doesn’t go by me unnoticed how he says _get away from your voice_ , not ‘get away from your songs’ or ‘get away from your music,’ but _get away from your voice_. Like my voice has been haunting him.

“You’ve been to Paris?” is what I settle for asking.

“Ali, Rachel, Santana and I went backpacking through Europe one summer,” Kurt answers, and I can see that it’s a fond memory. Again though that raises a million new questions in my head. 

“Wow, that sounds great. I haven’t even been to Canada, and you’ve been to Europe!”

Kurt laughs a little. “Yes, it started as a crazy, drunken idea from Santana, but it was something we all wanted to do so we did it.”

He takes a bite of his cookie. When he licks a few crumbles in the corner of his mouth and says, “mmm, this is good”, things I have no control over what starts happening to my body. It’s been such a long time since I felt an attraction to anyone, but seeing Kurt lick his lips does things to me. I curse my body because getting hard in the middle of a coffee house is such a bad idea. 

Kurt, of course, has no idea what he’s doing to me and continues talking. “I would love to go back there, but we all had to work like crazy to afford it, so I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Although, with my new position…” He trails off and looks like he is calculating how many extra hours he needs to put in to afford another trip.

“I would love to go some day,” I say. _With you_ , but that I don’t say. There’s all these things I want to say to Kurt, but I still don’t know enough about him to be so bold as to say them out loud.

“You should. Paris is beautiful,” Kurt says.

“How do you know Rachel and Santana?” I ask.

“Oh, that’s a long story,” Kurt says, and when I usher him to continue, he happily does. “When I first moved to New York, I lived in the dorms. I hated my roommate, or basically I hated everything, but he turned out to not be so bad in the end. He had this crazy friend who needed a new roommate for the apartment she shared with another friend. The crazy friend was Santana, and her roommate was Rachel. Even if Matt was okay, I still hated living in the dorms – I mean can you imagine me sharing a bathroom with 15 other guys?” 

I can’t, so I shake my head and laugh a little. 

“So I moved in with Santana and Rachel, which was so much better even if I had to commute 45 minutes every day. Living with them was crazy, sometimes drive-me-insane-crazy, but also tons of fun. Ali moved in with us when she moved out here, and they’re now my best friends. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for them.”

_There was a time when you would do anything for me._

I can’t stop the thought from entering my mind. I wonder if it is still true. I don’t believe it is -- no matter how much I would want it to be. We don’t know each other anymore, and that thought saddens me because it’s my fault. I should have done something long ago to stop us from drifting further apart. 

“You said it was crazy, you don’t live together anymore?” I ask.

“No, I love them, but I don’t want to live with them forever. I have my own place now. It’s a shoebox really, but it’s mine.” He says it with such fondness that there’s no mistaking that he loves his apartment. “How about you?” 

“I also have a place of my own, not too far from here actually.” I don’t mention that my place is probably ten times bigger than his because I don’t want to come off as bragging. I’m sure that his place is much more of a home than mine will ever be.

“Really? Me too,” he says, but that’s also all he says. He doesn’t ask me where I live, and he doesn’t offer to tell me where he lives. When I ask him, he simply answers “a few blocks away”, as if he doesn’t want to tell me, doesn’t want to get too close to me. It strikes me then that he has no problem talking about his job or his friends but he barely asks me anything, and when I leave open answers inviting him in to ask more, he doesn’t. He is guarded. Is it because he’s protecting himself, because I hurt him, because he doesn’t want to get hurt again? Or is that just me wishing for too much? Maybe he doesn’t really care that much about me anymore.

As we continue to talk, I notice that our conversation continues to follow that same pattern. He happily talks about his job, about his dad and Carole, and about his friends and the crazy things they do. But as soon as the conversation turns towards me or us, or God forbid, our past, it’s like there’s a wall; and he’s not willing to talk about any of those things. But I need to know what he thinks about me. I need to know if I have completely burned all the bridges to his heart. I decide to start gently and ease into those topics. I’ll start with something from our past, something that we have in common but that isn’t directly related to our failed relationship -- our friends. 

“Are you still keeping in touch with Quinn and Tina and the others?” 

“I am, not that much, but more than I used to,” Kurt answers in a tone that I can’t read as sad or uncaring. I don’t know what to make of it.

“What do you mean, more than you used to?”

Kurt shifts a little uncomfortable and doesn’t meet my gaze. “Well, after we… broke up, I figured they were more your friends, so I kept a low profile and didn’t really talk to any of them…”

“Neither did I…”

“Yeah, but then again you didn’t exactly talk to anyone,” Kurt says and meets my eyes.

His voice is hard, but other than that, his face and his body don’t give anything away about his true feelings.

It hurts. It’s the truth, but it still hurts to hear him say it. I didn’t expect him to be so blunt, not after evading all of my previous attempts to find a way to talk about us. So much for easing into to this conversation.

My pain must be written all over my face because Kurt quickly regrets what he just said. “I’m sorry, that was rude of me. Forget I said anything.”

The thing is I don’t want to forget. I want to talk about this. Now that Kurt has opened the door, I’m not going to let him close it that easily again. There’s so much I want to talk about, so much that needs to be said. I don’t get the chance to say anything though, before we are interrupted.

I see them before they approach us, the two girls sitting at one of the other three tables in this room. I see them looking at us, whispering, and I know what’s coming next. It’s not the first time this has happened, and it won’t be the last. It’s part of the fame and something that I have had to get used to.

“Excuse me, are you Blaine Anderson?” One of the girls with short, dark brown hair finally asks. She can’t be more than sixteen or seventeen.

“Yes, I am,” I answer and put on a fake smile. I know my fans are what got me to where I am today and that without them I wouldn’t be anything. Normally I would be excited to chat with them, but not today. Not when I’m sitting here with Kurt.

“Oh my god!” The girl exclaims. 

“What’s your name?”

“I’m Mina and this is Ellie,” the girl says and points to her friend. “Can I just tell you how amazing you are? Your songs are great and so relatable. I just love _Lost On You_. It’s like you’re singing about my life.”

 _Lost On You_ is a song about losing the one person you ever loved and not being able to move on or forget, about being stuck in what could have been if you had made one different decision. It’s obviously about Kurt.

I try not to glance at Kurt as I say “thank you.” I think it would kill all my chances of ever being close to Kurt again if my fans and the media got wind of my former relationship with him. I can picture the headlines of the gossip magazines already, can imagine how his Twitter and Instagram would be overflowed with comments (and not all of the kind sort). It would be more than enough to drive anyone away from me, especially someone as delicate as Kurt.

“My favorite is _Beautiful Mess_ ,” Ellie says quietly. She’s barely noticeable beside her much louder friend. “It gives me hope. You should write more songs like that.”

“That’s sweet of you. I’ll try my best,” I answer. There hasn’t been a lot of positive inspiration in me to write songs like _Beautiful Mess_. Maybe that can change now.

When I look up at Kurt, I notice that he’s a bit uncomfortable with the attention. Even though neither of the girls are directly looking at him, I can’t miss the questioning glances they throw his way. Of course, they wonder who he is. If they’re one of my more invested fans, they are likely to know who my friends are, and Kurt is not someone they have seen before.

“Can we take a picture with you?” Mina asks.

“Yeah, sure,” I answer, “but please don’t post it until after we have left.” I’ve done the mistake of not asking for that favor; and trust me, it wasn’t pretty.

“Of course,” Ellie says. “Would you mind taking the picture?” She asks politely turning to Kurt.

A startled Kurt takes her phone without saying anything. He stands up and the girls hunch down on either side of me, and I smile into the camera. Kurt takes a few pictures and then hands back the phone and sits down again.

“Who’s your friend? He’s cute,” Mina says.

Kurt’s cheeks turn an adorable shade of scarlet at her comment, but he also looks a little scared. 

“We’re friends from high school,” I answer not wanting to give away anything more than that. For some reason it bothers me that I can only call him my friend, but I know what the consequences would be if I said anything more. “Please don’t mention him if you post anything about running into me.”

“We won’t,” Ellie assures, but I can see that Mina is intrigued. I trust Ellie not to mention Kurt, but I’m not so sure about Mina. I can only hope that she’s happy with having the chance to talk to me and take a picture together and that I’m reading her all wrong. “Thank you so much for taking the time.”

“Any time! Thanks for listening to my music.”

They both hug me before they return to their table, and I return my focus to Kurt. He looks baffled.

“I can’t get over that you’re famous. I mean, I _know_ you are, but I still can’t get my head around it.”

I chuckle and shrug. “Don’t know how it happened really.”

“It happened because you are good at what you do -- you always have been,” Kurt says, and I feel a shiver rippling through my body at his praise. “You handled those girls very well. I would have been too embarrassed by the attention to do that.”

“You kind of get used to it after a while. I always try to take time to talk to them; it’s the least I can do,” I say. Our voices are more hushed now than before, knowing that the girls are probably listening to what we say.

“Do you think they will post anything about me?” Kurt asks, and I can tell that he is worried.

“I don’t think so. Most of my fans respect my privacy.” Although not all of them… I hope this doesn’t get back to Jeff -- as my manager, he probably won’t be happy with me hanging out with Kurt. A lot of my image is built on me being single and available, which is supposed to give my fans the sense of me being attainable. Which, of course, is only an illusion. There’s only one person who could ever have me. Jeff has been with me for so long and knows more about me and Kurt than I feel comfortable with. But for many years, he was the only one I talked to.

“Okay, good,” Kurt says and relaxes again. He takes a sip of his coffee, which must be cold by now, and I ask him if he wants a new one, but he declines.

I can’t forget what he said before Mina and Ellie approached us. I want to get deeper into that conversation. Want to know his true feelings. “I’m sorry I never answered your calls.” 

I see Kurt stiffen in his seat. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“I think I do. I should have answered at least one call. It’s one of my biggest regrets,” I say. I know if I even want to dream about having a chance to get Kurt back, I have to be honest.

“I broke up with you - you had no obligations to talk to me,” Kurt says, his voice indifferent. I wonder if I have really blown all my chances with him.

“I did, you were my friend; and I have missed you every single day since you moved away from Ohio.”

There’s something dark flashing in Kurt’s eyes then, and the calm exterior he’s been trying to put on is cracking. “Okay, so why didn’t you answer any of my calls? Or called me back?” There’s an angry tone in his voice as he’s trying to talk quietly but failing. “I slept with my phone in my hand like an idiot, not wanting to risk missing your call that never came.”

I see in the corner of my eyes that Mina and Ellie are watching us, noticing the change in Kurt’s tone.

“Can we maybe go somewhere and talk about this in private?” I ask and tilt my head towards the girls.

Kurt looks at them, then at me, and then says with a clipped voice “Fine. Let’s go to my place.” He stands up before I can respond and starts to put on his jacket. Not wanting to argue with him, and not really wanting to go to my place, I follow suit.

The walk to Kurt’s place is quiet, with Kurt walking fast, always half a step ahead of me, not waiting for me to catch up. When we reach his apartment building, he seems to have calmed slightly, at least enough to hold the door open for me. His apartment is on the second floor, the second door to the left. He pulls out his keys from his coat pocket, unlocks and opens the door and walks in before me. With a practiced gesture, he puts the keys in a bowl on a dresser by the door. He kicks off his shoes, hangs his coat on a rack and walks further into the apartment without waiting for me. I take off my shoes as well, hang my coat on the same rack and follow him inside, feeling unsure of how to act around him when he’s upset.

“Do you want anything?” He calls from what I assume is the kitchen. His voice is still clipped.

“No, thank you,” I say in return.

I look around his apartment. He wasn’t kidding when he said it was a shoebox. The living room is small with a table for two at one end (the table currently occupied by a sewing machine), and a bed turned into a sofa and a TV compressed into the other. There is one door, which I assume leads to the bathroom, and there’s also an opening to another room from which Kurt is appearing with a bottle of water. I was right -- this place feels more like a home than mine. 

The living room is decorated with trinkets of memories and photographs of his friends, his dad, places he’s been to. There’s a small bookshelf on the wall, overfilled with books. The bed has a grey spread with large pillows leaning against the wall. There’s a well thought-through, underlying color scheme of this room where everything has a shade of grey and wood with yellow as an accent color. I admire Kurt for turning this small room into something that feels much bigger. Something that feels welcoming.

Kurt sits down on the bed, opens the bottle and takes a large gulp. When he lowers the bottle, his face is milder than before, calmer. I contemplate whether I should sit down next to him, but it’s his bed, and it doesn’t seem appropriate. I’m not sure if Kurt would want that. The other option is to simply sit down somewhere on the floor. The floor looks rather uncomfortable, but I don’t want to risk upsetting him more, so the floor it is. I sit down, leaning my back against the TV stand, drawing my knees up and folding my arms around them.

“Why didn’t you answer any of my calls?” Kurt asks again, this time a lot less angry, but more sad and dejected.

“I don’t know…”

“That’s not good enough, Blaine. You wanted to talk, so talk.” He puts the bottle down on the small coffee table between us. No matter how angry or upset he was before, the look in his eyes now, the way his body remains leaning forward even after he has put down the bottle, tells me that he truly wants an honest answer to that question. Not only does he want it, he needs it.

“I don’t know…” I repeat. “but I guess I was hurt and stubborn.” It’s not enough, and I know it, I need to explain so that he understands. I take a deep breath and try again. “When you left me, it hurt so much that I didn’t know what to do. I’d never felt pain like that, not when my father abandoned us, not when my brother left for LA and never looked back, not when my mother told me to turn down my gayness so that her new boyfriend wouldn’t be uncomfortable. Never. But you were my everything, and without you I had nothing. I know I handled it badly, but I couldn’t find another way to do it…”

“I didn’t leave you,” Kurt says slowly.

How can he say he didn’t leave me? He broke up with me. He left Lima. I almost get angry because claiming anything else than that he left me is a lie. But I don’t want to argue with him about this.

“Maybe you don’t see it that way, but you did Kurt. In my eyes, you did. But it’s in the past now, and I want to find a way to move forward instead. I know I should have picked up the phone, and I’m sorry that I didn’t, but I can’t change that now. I did what I did, and I regret it. Can you forgive me?” 

_Please say you forgive me. Please say we can put this behind us and have some kind of relationship. I don’t want to spend another day without having you in my life._

“Do you know how many days and nights I’ve spent crying over you?” Kurt asks and that cold tone is back in his voice. “How much I hated my first year in New York because I felt so alone?”

“But you’re the one who didn’t want to try long distance.” Kurt makes it sounds as if it’s all my fault, but I don’t feel that I’m the only one who did something wrong.

“But I didn’t cut you out of my life, that was you, Blaine. Trust me, it wasn’t an easy decision to break up with you, and I have questioned that decision every day since. You didn’t give me a chance though, did you? For me to take back my decision. You were my everything, too, Blaine... I can understand if you didn’t want to talk to me at first, but I called you for almost a year, and not once did you answer or send me a text or anything. Nobody heard from you. If it wasn’t for you being played on the radio, I would have thought you were dead or something.”

“I’m sorry…” I say as all air slowly sips out of me. I never thought about how much this could be hurting him, too. It was his decision to leave me, and I expected him to be okay and move on. Even if I found some sort of comfort in his calls, I never understood why he kept calling me. That’s one of the reasons I never answered. What could come of us talking, except more hurt and more tears?

“Saying you’re sorry doesn’t make everything okay, Blaine. Sorry doesn't erase the past five years. Sorry doesn’t change the fact that you cut me out like I meant nothing to you, like our friendship wasn’t important. I don’t think anybody has made me feel as bad about myself as you have.”

 _He hates me_. I used to be his everything and now he hates me. I feel myself deflate. I’ve hurt him so much. Too much. I see his scars, and they’re all because of me. Some of them are not healed yet, and I can’t help but wonder if they ever will. I feel the tears burning in my eyes. I fight hard to hold them back because I don’t want him to see me cry. 

I tuck my head into my lap. I know “sorry” isn’t enough. It doesn’t even come close to being what I feel. But words have never been my strong side, and I simply can’t find any that will be enough. So I remain quiet. A few minutes pass in silence, but then Kurt starts speaking again. Quietly and softly.

“Can you forgive me?” 

“W-what?” I ask confused and look up at him. He is leaning back on the couch again, with his eyes fixed on me.

“Can you forgive me? For leaving you. I’ve spent the past five years blaming you for keeping us apart, but I haven’t been able to see this from your point of view. I’m sorry that I hurt you, Blaine. I have always wondered if I made the right decision. What if I was wrong, what if we could have made it?”

“I think we could have,” I say. I’ve always believed we could have made it, and I feel it’s important that he knows that.

“Maybe,” Kurt says. “Maybe we could have. I was so sure long distance relationships always ended badly, and I didn’t want us to end badly. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you like that, and I believed that if we stayed friends instead of boyfriends we would be okay. That we would be safe. Looking back at it now, I know I was probably wrong, but I really did believe I was right. But after seeing Quinn and Puck getting married, I seriously started to doubt that I made the right decision.”

“Quinn and Puck are married?” This news surprises me. I had no idea.

“Yes, they got married in October last year. You didn’t know?” I shake my head, and Kurt continues. “Anyway, I’m sorry too.”

“I forgive you.”

“Just like that?” Kurt asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes. We both did things that we could have handled differently, but we were young, and that was so long ago. I’m tired of being miserable. My life has been a mess since we went our separate ways, and I just want to put it behind me and move forward. So yes, I forgive you.”

There really isn’t another option for me but to forgive him. I’ve been so lost these years. I’ve lost myself in the grief of losing Kurt. I couldn’t focus on anything but the fact that I lost the one person that meant everything to me. If he’s asking me to forgive him, owning up to his own shortcomings, I’ll happily do it. I want to let that part of my life go. I want to move away from it. I know I’m broken, but I want to heal. Letting go of the past, forgiving Kurt, is a first step.

Kurt stays silent for a long time, contemplating. I wonder what he’s thinking. I haven’t told him much about how my life has been, how it is now. He hasn’t asked, but maybe I should tell him. Maybe he deserves to know. But I’m scared he will throw me out of his apartment, out of his life again, if he knew.

“I forgive you, too,” Kurt says. He sounds calm and sincere. “Blaming you, resenting you, it has already taken so much energy from me, and I don’t want it to anymore. I feel like I can let it go now.”

I want to reach out and touch him, hug him, but I feel too open and raw. Hugging him now will probably open up a floodgate of tears. So I remain on the floor. _But what happens now?_ We both want to put the past behind us, but what about the future?

“Where do we go from here?” I ask. 

“I don’t know…” Kurt says.

This is my chance to tell him that I still love him, that I still need him to be in my life. It might not be the perfect time, but after all these confessions, I don’t want to hold this one back. Now that I have his forgiveness, I want to lay it all on the table and stop running from what I truly want. 

“I want you back.” 

Kurt stiffens on the couch. He looks taken aback by my words and also a little confused.

“As my boyfriend,” I clarify. “I’ve never been able to stop thinking about you, Kurt. I know a lot has happened in our lives since we broke up, but you’re still the best thing that’s happened to me, and I just…” love you. I can’t get the words over my lips because Kurt isn’t smiling. He’s not showing any emotion at all. “You don’t have to say anything right now. I just need you to know that that’s how I feel.”

I wait for him to say something even though I told him he didn’t have to. 

“It’s too late. I’m seeing someone.” Kurt says when he finally speaks.

My mind goes completely blank for a few seconds. I feel myself falling, free falling through endless space. I feel sick. After the conversation we just had, I was so sure Kurt still felt something for me too. 

It can’t be too late; it just can’t. I’ve been waiting for this moment, to be here with Kurt, talking to Kurt, for so many years, dreaming of how it would end. This outcome wasn’t a part in any of my dreams. Then I remember that guy that was with Kurt and his friends the first night I saw him.

“It’s that Latin guy, isn’t it?”

Kurt looks more than a little confused. “What? How did you…? I mean, yes, Rafi is from Mexico. How did you know that?”

Rafi. My competition has a name. Good to know. I hate that name.

“I’ve seen you with him,” I start and then I tell him about how I spotted him in the Flying Duck three weeks before I talked to him. How I returned every night after that with the hope that he would show up there again so that I could talk to him. Kurt looks like he can’t believe what I’m telling him.

“You came back every night…? I’ve only been to that place twice, and both times have been by chance, nothing planned.”

It’s fate I think, but I don’t say it out loud because I realize that if it was fate, he wouldn’t be sitting here telling me he has a boyfriend.

“Is it serious? Between you and Rafi?”

Kurt’s answer is evasive. “It could be.” 

I want to keep pushing because that doesn’t sound like it is to me. “Do you think there will ever be chance for me and you again?”

“How can I possibly answer that, Blaine?” Kurt asks. “Who knows what will happen in the future? But I’m with Rafi now, so…”

“Do you love him?”

Kurt shrugs. “I don’t know. We’ve only been dating for three months.”

“You told me you loved me after three days.”

“That was different,” Kurt says, and I can hear the irritation building up in his voice. Maybe I’m pushing too far, but I can’t stop. Not when he’s not giving me any clear indications that this Rafi guy is really important to him.

“Why was it different?”

“Because it was you!” Kurt exclaims clearly irritated. But it’s not clear if he’s more irritated with me or with himself. “Everything has always been different with you!”

The truth in what he’s just confessed lays heavily between us. Kurt obviously didn’t mean to say that, and I feel bad for pushing him to the point where he felt cornered. But despite his confession, it doesn’t change the fact that he has a boyfriend, whom he has no intention of breaking up with. Not for me anyway. I feel my hopes and dreams crash and crumble. I don’t want Kurt to know how much I’m hurting inside though, so I put on a smile and pretend everything is alright.

“I’d like to be your friend, if you’d let me,” I say.

Kurt looks at me for a few seconds before he answers, weighing his decision carefully. “I don’t know if I can…” he says.

I feel that dark place in my mind draw closer. That place I’ve been pushing back these past days because there was hope in my life again. Now it’s threatening to take over once more. I cannot not have him in my life again, not when I’ve just found him. Not when I know what it feels like to be around him again. 

“But I don’t know how I can turn my back on you again either,” Kurt sighs.

I let go of a breath I didn’t know I was holding, push back the darkness.

“Maybe we can try?” I hear the hopefulness in my own voice as I stretch out my legs in front of me. They feel a bit cramped after having been drawn up to my chest for the entire time I’ve been sitting here. 

“Like a trial friendship?” Kurt asks ironically but still with a smile on his lips.

I let out a short laugh because yes, that does sound rather stupid. “Yes, like trial friendship. If it doesn’t work, we can at least say we gave it a try and then go our separate ways.” Kurt nods in a thoughtful manner. “But I hope it won’t come to that…” I add carefully.

“Me neither,” Kurt answers but he seems lost in thought.

I suddenly feel something soft, but firm land in my lap. I let out a surprised cry and look down to find a cat making itself comfortable on my thighs. It curls up like small ball and starts purring. When I start stroking it, the purring intensifies. “Who’s this?” I ask and look at Kurt, who looks so surprised it’s almost funny.

“This is Sophie,” he says, even sounding surprised.

“Is something wrong?” I ask.

“She never does that,” he says and waves in our direction. “She doesn’t like anyone. I mean she’s shy, and she usually hides away when I have company. She’s never been this affectionate with anyone but me.”

I stroke her back some more, and then she turns over exposing her stomach to me, wanting me to scratch it. Which I, of course, happily do. “Nobody? Not even Rafi?” I have to ask.

“No,” Kurt says and shakes his head in bemusement.

I feel a sense of triumph, no matter how silly it might be. “Sophie is a smart cat.” 

We sit and talk a little bit longer, but after a while, I feel the need to get out of there. I can’t stop thinking about Kurt being with someone else, wondering if he’s treating Kurt as good as I would have. Wondering if he’s better than I am. Wondering if he’s satisfying Kurt. When thoughts like that appear in my head, it’s all I can think about. Kurt in bed. What it felt like to be with Kurt that way. But thinking about Kurt in bed when I will never be the one lying next to him is a terrible idea. There something squeezing my heart, and not in a pleasant way.

I make up a reason why I have to leave and say goodbye to Sophie. Kurt follows me to the door where an awkward moment arises. How do we say goodbye? A hug or a handshake or simply words? I decide to screw right and wrong, screw my own insecurities, and hug him goodbye. We’re friends, and friends hug each other goodbye. 

I hold him a few moments longer than strictly necessary, because God it feels good to have him in my arms again. He smells nice, like home and comfort, and I wish I could stay in his comfort forever. But Kurt isn’t home anymore, and I reluctantly let him go.

Outside clouds are gathering, and the temperature has dropped several degrees during the time I spent in Kurt’s apartment. I tug my coat closer around me as I start walking home. 

_It’s too late._

Kurt’s words are echoing in my head forming knots in my stomach. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh. I waited too long. I should have listened to Jeff and come and found him years ago. Maybe then it wouldn’t have been too late. 

I end up walking into the Flying Duck; the urge to drown my sorrows too strong to resist. Rose greets me with a questioning raised eyebrow as I take my usual spot at the far end of the bar.

“I didn’t expect to see you here again,” she says and pours me a whiskey before I can ask for it. I down it quickly and hold out the glass for a second one. “I’d thought you’d be all over that hottie from the other night,” she says as she fills my glass again.

“He has a boyfriend,” I say and take the bottle from her, filling my glass even more. I hold on to the bottle tightly as I down my second glass. Nobody’s taking this bottle away from me tonight. Saying the words out loud makes them real, and the knots in my belly returns.

“Ouch,” Rose says, her look one of pity.

Ouch indeed.

“So you won’t be seeing him again?”

“I will, we’re friends. Or at least we’re going to try to be friends. Or something…” I sigh, taking another drink while thinking that how the hell am I going to be friends with Kurt when all I want to do is hold him tight and kiss him?

“What’s so special about him?” Rose asks with something that I think is genuine interest.

“It’s a long story…” I don’t want to bore her with a story from my past.

“If you haven’t noticed, the pub is nearly empty, being a Sunday on Labor Day weekend and all, so I think I have the time. Come on, tell me.”

I don’t know why I’m usually a very private person when it comes to my personal life, more so after I became famous. It’s hard knowing whom you can trust and who will sell you out. But there’s something in the way Rose looks at me that makes me trust her.

“I have known him since fifth grade when I moved to this small town in Ohio with my mom. On the first day of school, I traded my PB&J sandwich for his chocolate chip cookies, and we’ve been best friends since then,” I start.

I tell her about falling in love with Kurt without understanding what it was, about an unexplainable desire to kiss him. I tell her about Kurt coming out, about him going on a date with Oliver and how that drove me crazy. I tell her about admitting my feelings to him even though they still made no sense to me, and about him feeling the same way in return.

“We shared the most amazing kiss, and then we shared the most amazing three weeks of my life.” 

Thinking back on that summer makes me both happy and sad. I’ve never been as happy as I was that summer with Kurt. And I’ve never been more miserable than when he left me.

“Only three weeks?” Rose frowns. “You only dated for three weeks?” When I nod and take another sip of my whiskey (smaller sips now), she asks, “Why, what happened?”

“We were supposed to move here together to go to college, but I got offered a record deal. It was my dream to make music and share it with others, so I couldn’t refuse that.”

I tell her about Kurt not wanting to have a long distance relationship, about him making me choose. I explain how I couldn’t be friends with him, that I cut all connections.

“He tried to contact me but I ignored all his calls, and one day he just stopped calling. Even though I didn’t want to talk to him, I still got some comfort that he hadn’t given up on us, you know. I know that’s stupid, but then again I wasn’t very smart back then. I’ve never been able to stop thinking about him. He’s always just there, you know, in my mind, in my writing, in my music.”

“Hold on.” Rose says and raises her index finger. “So you mean that _Wrong Decision, Lost On You, Someone Else, Missing You-_ “

“And here I thought you didn’t like my music,” I say, teasing her. “But yes, they’re all about him. I’ve never been able to write anything that isn’t about him because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I’ve never stopped loving him. That’s why I kept coming back here. Once I saw him again, after not seeing him for five years, I couldn’t give up on the chance of seeing him again.”

I take another big sip of my drink, and when my glass is empty, I fill it up again.

“We had a long talk today, discussed what happened back then. We both made mistakes, things we regretted, things that could have been avoided if either one of us had made one different decision.” Thinking about it that way makes me realize how true it is and how much it sucks. “We both apologized, and we both accepted the other’s apology. I felt like we made a connection again, so I told him I wanted him back, and that’s when he told me he has a boyfriend.”

“That’s the sweetest and the saddest story I’ve ever heard.” Rose says, and I think she actually means it.

“If you tell this to anyone, I will kill you,” I threaten her, not really meaning it.

“I’m a bartender. I know everyone’s secrets,” Rose smiles. “And I will take them all with me to my grave.

“If I read this in the paper, I will know who told them,” I continue, because even though I think that I can trust Rose, you can never be completely sure. “Not even my friends know the whole story.”

Rose puts a hand on her heart in a mocking gesture. “We’re not friends? You wound me, B.”

I flip her the finger, and she laughs. Another customer walks in, and she leaves me to attend him. After serving him his beer, she returns to my corner of the bar.

“So what’s your plan now?” She asks.

“Nothing,” I tell her. “It’s not so bad being friends. It’s better than not having him in my life at all. But being boyfriends, it’s too late now.”

“Says who?”

“Says Kurt.”

“Pff! Don’t tell me you’re _that_ guy,” Rose huffs.

“What guy is that?” I ask defensively.

“The guy who rolls over and gives up when there’s a setback. It’s never too late, B. Competition just makes the pursuit a whole lot more fun.”

I don’t know if I agree with her definition of fun, but she might have a point. Maybe it isn’t too late. 

“Do you really think so?”

“That competition makes it more fun? Yes.”

“That it’s not too late?”

“I don’t know, but you can’t give up already. You say you want him back?” She asks, and I nod. “Then you have to fight for him. You gotta show him that you’re much better than that other guy. If what you had was so special, then make him remember. Make him fall in love with you again.”

She makes it sound so easy, but I doubt it will be. “You don’t know him. Kurt is stubborn. If he has set his mind to something, nothing can make him change it. Even if he were to realize that he was wrong, he wouldn’t admit it.”

“So you _are_ that guy,” Rose says tiredly and maybe a bit disappointed too. 

“No, I am not that guy. I just know how he thinks, and I can’t get my hopes up,” I say to defend myself.

“Who’s the stubborn one now?”

I huff and feel slightly offended. But she might be right. Maybe Kurt wasn’t the stubborn one. Maybe that was me. Not that I will admit that to her. 

I empty my glass and put it down on the counter again. “How much do I owe you?” I ask and point at the now half-empty bottle as I stand up.

“It’s on the house,” Rose answers.

“I can pay for myself,” I say and fumble for the wallet in my coat. Standing up makes me realize how much I’ve downed in a fairly short amount of time, and I have to grip the counter to steady myself.

“Oh, no, no,” Rose says. “With that story, you’ve earned yourself a free whiskey.”

I know that someone is going to have to pay for that half bottle for whiskey that I have drunk, and I hate to think that it will be Rose. Once I manage to get out my wallet (seriously, how difficult can it be to take out a wallet from a coat pocket??), I pull out a hundred and hand it to her. She puts her hand on mine and folds my fingers around the money and waves me off. I pretend to accept that she doesn’t want my money (apparently there are a lot of people being stubborn tonight), then I walk a few steps to the center of the bar counter and put the money in the tip bowl instead. 

When I turn to leave, Rose speaks up again. “Tell me, what are you going to do now?”

I have no fucking clue, and right now the room is spinning too much for me to be able to think.

“Go home and sleep,” I answer even though that was not at all the answer to her question.


	45. Chapter 45

**Kurt, Tuesday September 5th 2017, 12.38 pm**

“I think we need to redo this collar, it doesn’t look right,” Cassandra says. “What do you think, Kurt?”

Cassandra has called me into her office, panic in her voice. A number of designs are spread across her desk, even more on the floor. She’s already panicking over the summer collection for next year, and in my year here, I have learnt that this is a thing she always does the last week before a deadline. I know that her designs are flawless, but that if I give her some minor suggestions for changes, she relaxes and can throw herself into making those changes rather than worrying about if every detail is perfect. 

I look at the drawing she’s pointing at. It looks perfectly fine to me, but I know that perfectly fine isn’t good enough to Cassandra. “If you do it like this instead,” I say and take a pencil. I draw a few lines on the design that gives the dress a slightly different, more edgy look.

Cassandra looks at the design for a few seconds, and while I’m hoping for the best, I brace myself for the worst. Maybe this time I destroyed her design. 

“You’re brilliant!” Cassandra exclaims. “I knew I did the right thing hiring you. Can you look at these other designs too, darling?” 

The tensed energy that previously filled her office dissipates in an instant. “Of course,” I say because this is what we do. We help each other when we’re stuck.

“Thank you,” she says and gives me a fleeting kiss on the cheek before she leaves her office, visibly relaxed, and heads out for lunch. 

She asked me if I wanted to join her, but I declined. Instead I sit down on the floor and start looking at the designs spread out in front of me. I try to focus, try to come up with ideas to improve them, but I can’t. I can’t relax. 

There’s this nervous energy that won’t leave my body, and even though I try to tell myself it has to do with Cassandra and the deadline, I know that’s not the case.

This strange feeling has been ever present since it arrived two days ago. I pretend I don’t know the source of it because I don’t want to acknowledge it. I rub my temples and force myself to focus on the designs in front of me. 

Why should I care if he wants me back? I’m with Rafi now, and I was perfectly happy with that before he walked back into my life. Why should that change now?

_You know the answer to that_ , a voice inside my head tells me. I tell it to shut up.

I feel a headache slowly building, and I rub my temples some more. This is so not what I need right now.

When the designs start to blur together, I give up any attempt of trying to perfect them, and sit down on Cassandra’s desk chair instead. I lean my head against the backrest and close my eyes.

Bad idea. All I see is Blaine. Grown up, gorgeous, sexy, Blaine. Blaine telling me he wants me back. Blaine looking like a lost puppy when I told him about Rafi. Blaine asking me if I love Rafi.

_Ah, fuck this!_ I open my eyes again. I don’t want to think about Blaine. I want to think about Rafi. I want to think about Rafi being happy to see me again after being in LA over the weekend. I want to think about Rafi making me happy. But not even when I was with Rafi yesterday could I stop thinking about Blaine.

I can stop this. I know I can. I just have to try a little bit harder. I have gotten over him once, I can do it again. Not that there’s anything to get over this time. We’re friends, and that’s all we’re going to be. I can’t go back. I can’t. I can’t risk being shut out and ignored again. I won’t let that happen. I won’t let him get back into my life that way again.

My headache is now well on its way to becoming a migraine. I open one of Cassandra’s drawers hoping to find some painkillers. I search through the drawer, but when I don’t find any, I close it and open the next.

“Kurt?” I look up and see Elliot standing in the doorway. ”What are you doing in here?” 

“Looking for painkillers,” I say as if I’m stating the obvious. “What are you doing in here?”

“Looking for you. Liza said you were in here.” Liza is Cassandra’s new assistant. “Finding any?”

“No!” I say, voice much harsher than needed.

Elliot tilts his head. “Are you okay?” 

“Yes! No! I have a headache that’s killing me!” 

“Okay, come here, Kurt,” Elliot says and walks over to where I’m sitting. He closes the drawer and forces me to stand up. “I have painkillers by my desk. After you’ve taken some, I’m taking you out to lunch so that you can tell me what’s really bothering you.”

“Nothing is bothering me! Except you!” 

“Just come with me,” Elliot says firmly. He puts two hands on my shoulders and starts to guide me out of the room. Reluctantly I let him lead me.

Two painkillers and twenty minutes later, I am feeling slightly better. We’re sitting at a café one block away from the office. Two chicken salads are placed in front of us.

“How are you feeling?” Elliot asks.

“Better,” I say. “Sorry about before, didn’t mean to yell at you.”

Elliot waves me off. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve dealt with far worse. You should see Belinda on the last week before a deadline.”

“Pretty much like Cassandra, I assume. This week is going to be hell.” I groan as I think about the impending deadline on Monday.

“Tell me about it. Hey, if we survive, let’s go out and celebrate on Monday,” Elliot says.

“Oh, that’s a great idea!” I say and clap my hands excitedly. I start eating my salad, suddenly realizing how hungry I am.

“So. Are you going to tell me what happened back in Cassandra’s office?” Elliot asks.

“Nothing,” I answer automatically. “I just had a headache. Cassandra unloaded so much work on me.” I‘m so used to not talking about Blaine, that I automatically avoid going there. Even if I didn’t, I’m not sure I want to talk about the real reason behind the headache.

Elliot puts down his fork and looks directly at me. “Mmhm, see I don’t believe you. You love it when Cassandra asks you to go through her designs, when there is a deadline and you have pull all-nighters. So I’m thinking it’s something else. Wanna talk about it?”

I think about it. Do I want to talk about it? No. Should I talk about it? Probably. Getting someone else’s opinion might not be a bad idea. I know my head is spinning from not knowing what to do. 

Honestly there’s not a lot of people I can talk to about this. I can’t talk to Rafi for obvious reasons. Ali doesn’t like Blaine, so I already know what she would say to me ( _Are you out of your fucking mind!?! When has he ever treated you right??_ ). She likes Rafi a lot, and she would tell me I’m an idiot if I’m thinking about giving him up for Blaine. Rachel would be star struck and only talk about the fact that it’s Blaine Anderson and how amazing he is (as if I don’t already know that). Santana… well she would tell me to fuck him and be over with it (not very helpful). 

I could call my dad, but somehow I don’t think that’s a good idea. He loves Blaine, but he has never met Rafi, so somehow that seems unfair to Rafi. Knowing him he would get all sentimental at first and then tell me follow my heart, which is be exactly what I should do, only I don’t know what it wants anymore. I could call Finn, but he hasn’t been able to put the moves on Rachel for over four years so I doubt I can get any great relationship advice from him. 

Elliot is probably the only one who can give me an honest opinion that isn’t colored by my past or by my present. Sure he knows Rafi, but over the course of the summer Elliot has been doing an internship at the Boston office so he hasn’t spent that much time with me and Rafi since we got together. Maybe Elliot is the perfect friend to talk to.

“Someone from my past walked into my life again, and it’s making me question a lot of things.”

“Okay…” Elliot says willing me to go on.

“Things that I don’t want to think about, things that I thought were in the past. Things that I thought were lost forever.”

“Things like?”

This was harder to talk about than I thought it would be. Talking about it makes it real. After talking about it, this wouldn’t only be thoughts in my head. Talking about it would make me acknowledge that I am seriously thinking about it.

“You have to be a little more specific if you want my opinion on it,” Elliot says and puts another forkful of salad into his mouth.

“My ex showed up out of the blue, and now I can’t stop thinking about him,” I say, almost blurting it out.

“Okay. I see how that can be an inconvenience,” Elliot says.

“Yeah, you might say that,” I say and let out a dry laugh.

“Wait, don’t tell me Ethan is finally out of the closet and wants you back,” Elliot says sounding quite surprised.

I can see why that would be his logical conclusion. Ethan is the only guy I have mentioned beside Rafi to him. I’ve barely talked about Blaine with anyone – a conscious choice in my efforts to get over him.

I laugh again at his comment. “No, not Ethan. He was my boyfriend in high school, or rather after high school. We were only together for a few weeks during the summer before I moved here. But he was also my best friend for many years before that.”

“There’s a lot of past tense there. What happened? And why have I never heard about him?” Elliot asks.

“He was my first boyfriend,” I start. “He was my first everything, and I was so in love with him. I was out, but he wasn’t so we kept it a secret, and it didn’t bother me. I just wanted to be with him, you know. I wanted to spend every minute with him, and we did, as much as we could anyway. We were going to move to New York together, and I was so looking forward to it because I thought it would be easier for him to be himself here than back in Lima, Ohio.”

“I’m sensing you didn’t move here together,” Elliot says.

I tell Elliot how we ended up in different places, how I believed I couldn’t do long distance and practically made Blaine choose between his dream of performing and me.

“He didn’t choose me...” I say.

“Wow, that sucks.”

“It did. It was the worst-“

“Hold on, hold on,” Elliot cuts me off. “I have some questions and then you can continue.” I nod at him and he continues. “Why couldn’t you do long distance?”

“I was certain we would end up not having time for each other when our new life’s got between us, and that would lead to misunderstandings and resentments. That was the last thing I wanted to happen. I thought it would be better if we could stay friends instead and maybe later on, if he found himself in New York, we could pick things up again. I know it sounds stupid, but I was eighteen with no experience of the world outside Ohio. I was naïve, and I wanted not to be. I wanted to be mature and do the right thing, but I think I ended up doing the exact opposite.”

“Maybe,” Elliot says. “You know he would probably have ended up resenting you if he would have followed you to New York, just so that he wouldn’t lose you.”

“Why?” I ask. Why would Blaine being with me in New York lead to him resenting me?

“You say music and performing was his dream. He got his dream offered to him. If he had passed on it to be with you, he would probably always have wondered what could have happened. Could he be living his dream? Could he be up on a stage performing? And you would always be the one who kept him from that.”

“I-I’ve never thought about it like that…”

I have never considered what would happen with Blaine if he passed that opportunity. I always assumed he would get a new chance another time, but how could I be sure of that? Maybe that was his one chance, and he made the right decision and took it.

“Or you would have lived happily ever after,” Elliot says and shrugs, and I groan and put my head in my hands. “Okay, not helping. What happened then?”

I look up again and tell him about Blaine not wanting to remain friends, about my calls that were never answered, about nights crying myself to sleep.

“I spent four years trying to get over him. And when I finally do, when I finally move on and find someone else that makes me happy, he shows up again.”

“And now you can’t stop thinking about him.”

“Exactly.”

“That’s so sweet,” Elliot says.

“That’s not sweet. It’s a fucking nightmare! I’m with Rafi. I like Rafi. He makes me happy, and there’s not a lot of things that has made me happy in the past years. And then he walks back into my life, says he’s sorry for what happened and that he wants me back.”

“Okay, I see the dilemma… Have you told Rafi about him?”

“No!” I say. “There’s no reason to tell him because nothing is going to happen between me and Blaine.”

“But you are thinking about it,” Elliot says and he takes my silence as confirmation. “If you haven’t told Rafi, and you can’t stop thinking about this Blaine, I would say you are thinking quite a lot about it.”

I groan again because he’s right, and I hate to admit it. “But I don’t want to think about it! I want to think about Rafi, about making Rafi happy. But it’s Blaine, and I thought he was the one. And he wants me back… But what if it doesn’t work out, and we end up hurting each other again. What if I give up something that could be potentially great with Rafi?”

I feel like banging my head against the table. I hate being in this position, hate feeling torn. I hate not knowing what to do. “What should I do?” I ask Elliot hoping he will hold all the answers to my questions.

“I can’t tell you that, Kurt. From what I know of Rafi, he’s a great guy who likes you a lot. I overheard him talk about you to one of the other stylists last week, and I would say he is very in love with you.”

My chest tightens at the thought of Rafi loving me, a smile spreads across my face. “What did he say?”

“He said he was looking forward to going home for the weekend, but that he wished he could take you with him, that he hated spending time away from you, but he didn’t want to say that to you because he didn’t want you to think he was clingy. He said you made him happy and then he blushed. It was really cute.”

What am I doing? Why am I even thinking about someone else when I’ve already got Rafi who likes me, even loves me maybe. I know Rafi wouldn’t just ignore my calls or leave me heartbroken. Rafi would never do anything to hurt me.

“I don’t know your ex,” Elliot continues. “Maybe he’s a great guy, maybe he’s the one you should be with, but from what you’ve told me, he kind of ignored you once. What if you have another big argument, will he do the same again?”

“I don’t know…” Honestly, I don’t know if he would. I haven’t allowed myself to think that far ahead. Would he? Would we end up hurting each other all over again? We were only together for a short period of time, and most that time we spent wrapped up in our own little bubble with no interference from the outside. Would we survive in the real world? With real problems and work and everything that could be thrown our way?

“If you’re thinking about leaving Rafi for this guy, you should probably find out. And you need to tell Rafi about him, give him an honest chance to tell you what he wants. In the end though, you need to follow your heart.”

I grunt because he’s saying all the things I would expect my dad to say. “What if I don’t know what my heart wants…” Because that’s the core issue. I know what I have now, and I know what I had then, but can I trust my heart to know what it wants in my future?

“Then you need to find out,” Elliot states. 

I want to ask _How? How do I find out?_ But Elliot can’t answer that. So instead I nod but remain silent. Our talk hasn’t exactly solved any of my problems, but I feel strangely relieved anyway. It feels good to have talked about it with someone. Someone who didn’t call me an idiot for that matter.

“But then again, I’m 25 and single, what do I know about relationships?” He laughs and so do I, but for someone who is not in a relationship, he has given me some very insightful points, and my mind is now trying to process it all. Am I seriously thinking about going back to Blaine? I am, aren’t I? But what would that mean? Am I willing to take that risk of being hurt all over again? Shouldn't what I have with Rafi be enough for me?

“So, did he make it?” Elliot wakes me up from my thoughts.

“Huh?”

“Your ex, Blaine, did he become a performing artist?”

_Oh you might say that_. “Yes, he did.”

“Is it someone I’ve heard about?” Elliot asks leaning forward, intrigued.

I know Elliot likes Blaine’s music, he plays it by his desk quite often actually. I debate whether I should tell him the truth or not, but figure that he can probably handle it.

“Yes, it is,” I say and pause to look at him, only to see his reaction when I tell him. “It’s Blaine Anderson.”

The reaction is priceless. His chin drops, and he just stares at me for a few seconds before he pulls himself together. “No way! Your ex is not Blaine Anderson!”

“He is.”

“I don’t believe you. You’re making this up to mess with me.”

“I swear, I am not. Hold on,” I say and pull out my phone. I go to my BA folder and find an old picture of the two of us together. Seeing it now brings back a wave of memories. I haven’t looked at these old pictures of us in over six months. We look happy together, even if this particular photo was taken before we became boyfriends.

“You are not kidding!” Elliot exclaims. “Oh my god! You know Blaine Anderson?!”

“Sssh, keep your voice down.” You never know who’s listening or what will come out of Elliot’s mouth next. I bet a phrase like _You had sex with Blaine Anderson!_ would draw some people’s attention. It’s a very likely phrase to come out of Elliot’s mouth, too.

Elliot puts a hand on his mouth to cover up his squeals.

“Sorry,” he whispers between his fingers, then he adds. “He’s hot.”

“I know.” I whisper back and images of Blaine sitting on the floor of my apartment looking sexy with a light scruff on his face and his curls as messy as always flashes through my mind. 

We both giggle, but then Elliot becomes serious again. “He’s like super famous. Have you thought about the consequences of dating someone famous?”

I have not. 

_God_ , that hasn’t even crossed my mind. I have thought so much about Blaine, but not about the important things it appears. What would it be like dating someone famous? It could mean a lot of changes in my life. Am I willing to make those? There are so many things I haven’t even considered. I’ve been so blinded by the fact that Blaine wants me back and how tempting that is. But he is famous now, and although he’s been alone the two times I have seen him, I know nothing of how he lives his life. Does he have to take extra precautions or can he live his life like a normal person? How do famous people live? Do I really want to get drawn into a life in the spotlight?

Spending time with him at the coffee shop, meeting his fans, gave me a glimpse into that life. He handled it flawlessly. I’m not sure I could.

-x-x-

**Blaine  
Hello friend, how’s your day?**

**Kurt**  
Hi! What’s with the “friend” thing?   
And my day is hectic but good. 

**Blaine**  
Well, we are friends, aren’t we?   
Why hectic? 

**Kurt**  
Yes, we’re friends, but do you write “Hello friend” to all your friends?   
There’s a deadline on Monday and Cassandra is going crazy, making everyone else crazy in the process. 

**Blaine**  
Why, do you mean that’s not a normal way to greet someone? No? Okay, I wanted to be clear that we’re friends and only friends and I’m okay with that.   
I’m sorry about the deadline, what’s it for? 

**Kurt**  
Thanks, I guess?   
The deadline is for next year’s summer collection and Cassandra always goes crazy when there’s a deadline even though everything is already perfect. How’s your day? 

**Blaine  
It’s okay, trying to write some new songs, trying to find inspiration.**

**Kurt  
How’s that working out for you?**

**Blaine  
Inspirations has been pretty absent, but lately I’m feeling very inspired.**

**Kurt  
How come?**

**Blaine  
I’ll leave that for you to figure out on your own. Do you want to hang out sometime this week?**

**Kurt  
I can’t this week, I’m going to be working late all days because of the deadline. Maybe next week?**

**Blaine  
Okay. Yeah, let’s do that.**

“Hey Kurt, what’s up?”

Startled I look up and see Rafi standing in the doorway to my small office. I quickly turn off my phone, so that he won’t be able to read my texts. Not that I’m doing anything wrong, I’m just texting with a friend. 

“Hi Rafi, what are you doing here?” I ask trying to sound bright and cheerful. The words from one of Blaine’s texts are still echoing in my head, _I’ll leave that for you to figure out on your own_ , and I find myself smiling at the insinuation. 

Rafi looks across his shoulder before he walks into my office and closes the door behind him. “I know how busy you are with the deadline, and I know that when you are that busy, you tend to forget to eat, so I brought you coffee and a muffin.” He magically brings out a take away coffee mug and a small brown paper bag from behind his back.

“Aww, you’re a lifesaver,” I say and stretch out my arms to collect the goodies. “Thank you.”

“Anything for my man,” Rafi says with a smile. “And I also wanted to steal a few minutes with you since I know I won’t be seeing you much this week.” He walks around my desk to stand behind my chair. He puts his arms around me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. 

I put my hands on his arms and squeeze lightly. “Thank you,” I say again and smile.

“And also I wanted to check if everything is okay with you, you seemed a little distant yesterday.”

My smile drops slightly, but I quickly gather myself. “Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I was just thinking about this week and started to get worked up about it already.” I feel bad for lying, but I can’t tell him the real reason I was distant.

“That’s what I guessed. Sorry I had to go away for the weekend. I should have been here for you.”

Now I feel even worse. Rafi is the best boyfriend, and I feel like the worst one. “No, don’t be sorry. You wanted to meet your family, and you did right to go home.”

“I have to go away this weekend, too,” Rafi says sounding sad. “I tried to put it off because I wanted to spend time with you, but I have to go to Austin and style a photoshoot.”

I feel a strange sense of relief. I need time alone to figure out what I want. But as soon as I realize that, a wave of guilt washes over me. “That’s too bad. I wanted to spend more time with you too.” I swirl my chair around so that I’m facing him. “We’ll make time see each other next week, okay?”

“That sounds perfect. Okay, I’m gonna leave you to it now. But no matter how fun you think this is, don’t stay in too long. You need to sleep, too.”

“Fun?” I say, eyebrow raised. I love my job, but I wouldn’t exactly call this part of it fun.

“I saw that wide smile you had on your face when I walked in, you must have been doing something you like, or at least thinking about something you like.”

Oh shit… I try not to blush from guilt of being caught, but I’m pretty sure I’m not succeeding. If he notices it, Rafi doesn't mention it. “I was just thinking about something Elliot told me over lunch,” I lie.

I lie. For the second time in ten minutes, I lie. Not only am I withholding information, but I’m lying too. I never lie. I’ve had several opportunities to tell him about Blaine, about running into my ex and having coffee with him. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. But I haven’t. Instead I lie. What’s wrong with me? Seriously, what’s wrong with me? I hear Elliot’s voice in my head telling me to _be honest_ and _you need to tell Rafi about him, give him an honest chance to tell you what he wants_. But I can’t tell him. I know it’s the right thing to do, but I can’t. I can’t hurt him if I don’t know what I want. That probably makes me a coward, but I need to know.

Before Rafi leaves, I promise that I will call him if I get any time tonight. I take a big sip of coffee, turn on my phone again and I write out a new text before I have time to overthink it. I need to know what it’s like to be Blaine’s friend again. I need to know if there’s something more, if there’s anything left of what we once had. And to do that, I need to spend more time with Blaine. I know there are a lot of things I should consider, things I should think through thoroughly, but for once, I don’t want to be smart. I just want to let go and see what happens. 

There’s also a part of me that is worried about him. He said his life has been nothing but a mess since we broke up. I know the rumors. I wonder how much of it is true.

**Kurt  
I just realized I might have some time this weekend. Do you want to meet for coffee on Saturday?**


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for another non-date, but first something else :)

**Blaine, Saturday September 9th 2017, 1.22 pm**

_Guess mine is not the first heart broken_  
_My eyes are not the first to cry_  
_I’m not the first to know_  
_There’s just no getting over you_

_You know I’m just a fool who’s willing_  
_To sit around and wait for you_  
_But baby can’t you see_  
_There’s nothing else for me to do_  
_I’m hopelessly devoted to you_

_But now there’s no way to hide_  
_Since you put my love aside_  
_I’m outta my head, hopelessly devoted to you_  
_Hopelessly devoted to you_  
_Hopelessly devoted to you_

_My head is saying fool forget him_  
_My heart is saying don’t let go_  
_Hold on to the end, and that’s what I intend to do…_

“Who broke your heart?”

I almost drop my guitar from the surprise of hearing Sebastian’s voice in my apartment. “How did you get in?”

Sebastian is leaning against the doorframe of my music room. Here’s where I’ve been spending most of my time this week, writing music for my next album. “Well if you’d remember to lock your door, you wouldn’t have to ask that question.”

“I live in a house with a front desk so I don’t get unwanted visitors,” I say and lay down my guitar on the floor next to me.

“Oh, Bill and I are buddies by now. I told him you were expecting me, so he let me up.”

“I guess I have to have a talk with Bill later,” I say dryly, not appreciating that people can walk in here without me knowing about it. Even if said people are friends.

“Come on Blaine, you like me, remember? I’m your friend. One of the few whom you haven’t managed to push away.”

I sigh. He’s right. I haven’t always been a good friend, but he has refused to let me shut him out, both to my dismay and delight. “What brings you here, Seb?”

“Jeff asked me to check up on you. He says you are writing some unusually happy songs. Well, at least for you. He was worried something might be wrong with you.”

I raise a skeptical eyebrow. “What are you really doing here?”

“Okay, maybe he wanted to come himself, but I said I could do it as it was on my way.”

I look firmly at him because Jeff normally doesn’t have the habit of interrupting me when I’m writing.

“Okay, okay, fine. He specifically told me not to bother you,” Sebastian says, but there’s no indication of regret in his voice.

“And so you just couldn’t stay away, could you,” I state amused.

“You know me,” Seb answers and shrugs. “So who are you hopelessly devoted to?”

“No one. It’s just a song,” I say, not feeling like telling Sebastian about Kurt. Knowing Sebastian, he would find some way to locate Kurt and start interacting with him. Somehow, I don’t think that will help my cause.

Sebastian walks into the room and lies down on the couch, one leg swung over the backrest, hands behind his head. “So there’s no reason you’re suddenly writing songs about longing and hopefulness instead of your endless string of songs about lost love, wrong decisions and missed opportunities?” he says with a smirk. “No reason why you haven’t accepted any of my offers to go out and party and get laid since the tour ended? You’re usually so much fun after tours, but this time you have been totally lame.”

“No reason,” I say. I think about Kurt, think about him being my reason. Think about not wanting to be with anyone but him.

“Uh-huh,” Sebastian says, obviously not believing me. “I will figure out who it is, you know. You might as well tell me.”

I ignore him because trying to convince him otherwise will only make him go on trying to figure out what I’d rather keep away from him - at least until I’ve figured out what where Kurt and I stand. Instead I shift focus to him. “So who’s the lucky guy in your life lately? Or is it guys?” I add emphasizing the “s”.

“Why settle for one, when you can have several. Preferably at the same time.”

“Doesn’t it get old though?” I ask. I know I haven’t been living my life any better than Sebastian, but during my last tour, I just started to grow tired of it all. Empty one-nighters didn’t serve their purpose anymore, and I started to question what I was doing.

“Old? I’m only 27, I plan on having a lot of fun before I settle down,” Seb answers, and I think to myself: _if you ever settle down_. “What’s with you anyway?” There’s a frown on his face as he crinkles his forehead. “Why so dull and boring all of a sudden?”

“There’s nothing with me, I’m just tired.” Tired of living like that. Tired of running away. Tired of closing myself off. Tired of not feeling anything.

“Well get some sleep then and come out with me tonight,” Sebastian says, entirely missing the context.

Before I can object, my phone starts ringing. When I look at the phone on the table beside me, I can’t stop myself from smiling when I see Kurt’s name light up the screen. In a few hours I will see him again.

“Who is it?” Sebastian asks.

“Nobody. Can you leave now?” I say, not wanting to have him around when I talk to Kurt.

Sebastian sits up. The intrigued look on his face tells me he’s not going anywhere. “It’s him, isn’t it? The one you’re _hopelessly devoted_ to.”

How is it even possible for him to pick up on that? 

“Aren’t you going to answer?” He asks as the phone continues to ring.

 _Shit_ , I need to answer before he hangs up. I fumble for the phone, almost dropping it, before I have it securely in my hand.

“Hey.”

“Oh hey, good you answered,” an out of breath Kurt greets me in return. He sounds stressed. I hear voices and papers being shuffled in the background.

“Are you okay?” I ask, sitting up straight in my chair.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. It’s just… I’m swamped at work, and I won’t be able to get out for hours.”

I slump back on my chair again, trying but failing not to sigh with disappointment. “So you won’t be able to make it...”

“Make it where?” Sebastian asks irritatingly interested from the couch. I wave at him to be quiet.

“No, I’m sorry. But I called to ask if you wanted to meet for a drink tonight instead.”

Hell yes, I want to! But wait. “You drink?” I don’t know why that surprises me. The first two times I’ve seen him has been at a pub, with drinks being ordered for him. But it does surprise me. I remember him as the only high school boy who didn’t drink anything with alcohol in it.

“Yes, why does…”

“But you don’t drink,” I say hesitantly, because clearly he does.

The paper shuffling stops, and there’s an unsettling silence for a few heartbeats. “Things change, Blaine.” He pauses, and I wonder if I’m imagining the hint of sadness in his voice. When he continues, any trace of it is gone. “So can you or do you already have plans?”

“No, no I’m free,” I say quickly. “Did you have some place in mind? Otherwise I know a private club where we won’t be disturbed.”

“You can decide,” Kurt says as if he’s not really paying attention.

“Who is it?” Sebastian says unnecessarily loud.

“ _Shut up!_ ” I mouth to him.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had company,” Kurt apologizes, sounding maybe a little bit bothered by that?

“I don’t, it’s just Sebastian, and he was just leaving,” I answer loud and clear while looking directly at Sebastian hoping he will get the message. But he’s Sebastian, so he just makes himself more comfortable.

“Sebastian, huh?” Kurt says, and the dislike in his tone is clear.

“Yes, do you remember him?” I ask trying to pretend I didn’t hear how his voice changed when he said his name.

Kurt’s answer is clipped. “All too well.”

I decide to change the subject away from Sebastian. Apparently that is still a sore point for some reason. “Do you know when you can get off? I can walk over to your place, and we can take a cab together.”

“Okay, that sounds good. Nine maybe? I should be off by then.”

“Okay. Text me if you get held up.”

“Yeah, okay, I will. I have to continue here, but I’ll see you later then.”

“Yes, see you.”

We hang up, and as I put my phone back on the table, I can feel Sebastian eyeing me. Ignoring him, I pick up my guitar from the floor and start playing a few accords from a new song I’ve been working on. A song about beautiful silver-blue eyes that make your heart stop and your mind go crazy. 

But Sebastian is not one who likes to be ignored. Nor is he one who cares when his presence is unwanted.

“Well, well, well. Looks like Blaine has a date tonight. I’m so glad I came by to overhear that phone call. Who is he?” The smugness in his voice is unmistakable.

“None of your business, Seb. Can you please let it go and leave?”

“No, I cannot, not until you tell me who he is and how you met him.”

I run my hand through my hair and sigh heavily. 

“Did you meet him on tour?” Sebastian continues, a little bit too excited. “Is it someone in the crew? Come on, Blaine, tell me. Or wait, don’t tell me it’s a fan?”

I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know how he will react if he finds out it’s Kurt. This thing I have with Kurt, it’s still fragile. I want our connection to grow stronger before I let Sebastian in on this. Knowing him, he will find a way to meddle, but no matter how good his intentions are, based on Kurt’s reaction of just hearing Sebastian's name, it will only break what I’m trying to build.

“It’s just someone I’ve met, okay. I don’t even know what it is yet,” I say. “Can we please drop it?”

To my surprise Sebastian raises his hands in defeat. “Okay, fine, but I don’t see why you’ve got to be so secretive about it. Unless…”

_Oh God no, what is he up to now?_

Sebastian stands up. “You’re in love. You’re totally in love, and you don’t want me to know who it is! Oh, this is juicy, Blaine! This is a side of you, I’ve never seen. Oh, this is going to be fun!”

Sebastian seems excited, and for some reason I can’t help but smile at him. Sometimes he is really irritating, but he’s also my friend, and he cares about me. In his own way.

“ _You know I’m just a fool who’s willing to sit around and wait for you_ ,” Sebastian sings mockingly as he puts a hand on his heart and starts backing out of the room. 

“You know, I will find out who it is,” he calls from the living room and then he continues, “ _But baby can’t you see, there’s nothing else for me to do. I’m hopelessly devoted to you._ ” And then he is gone.

Not if I can help it, I think to myself. I will keep Kurt as far away from Sebastian as humanly possible for as long as I can. 

Then I start thinking about tonight. A drink with Kurt sounds a lot more interesting than another coffee date. Just him and me, alone at a club. That opens up to a whole new set of possibilities. I wonder what a slightly tipsy Kurt is like. Maybe I can get him to loosen up a bit. Maybe I can soften his hard edges, get him to trust me again. My whole body buzzes with excitement.

There’s also the excitement brought by the tingling feeling of Kurt wanting to spend his Saturday evening with me and not with his boyfriend.

-x-x-

Several hours later, I’m on my way to Kurt. I haven’t heard from him since he called, so I’m assuming he’s finished with work and ready to meet up with me. I spent way too many hours getting ready for this - picking out an outfit, fixing my hair, shaving. I never used to care about these things, but I know Kurt does, and I want to make an effort.

After a long deliberation with myself, I decided to dress casual. I had to remind myself several times that this isn’t a date, it’s a drink with a friend, and I tried thinking what I would wear on a night out with Jeff or Sebastian. I don’t want to overdo it, but at the same time I still want to look good. 

I ended up wearing a pair of dark purple chinos and a light blue denim shirt. The sleeves are rolled up three quarters and the top two buttons are undone. Thrown over my shoulder, I have a light brown Herringbone wool blazer for when it gets chillier later tonight and on my feet a pair of black loafers. I’m pleased with the result and feel confident as I walk down the street.

The sun has set but the city is never dark. I like walking in New York after sunset. There’s a special vibrant buzz that exhilarates me, makes the city alive, makes me feel alive. In the dark, I’m anonymous, I’m nobody, I can be whoever I want to be.

New York on a Saturday evening is extra buzzing. There’s movement everywhere. People are walking to or from something. Taxis that are taking people from one place to another are flying down the streets (or standing still if traffic is bad). The city is flowing with motion. Tonight I’m part of it and for the first time in a very, very long time I’m excited about being part of the city.

I’m on my way to meet Kurt. I’m floating. I’m excited. Earlier, in the shower with the hot water falling down on me, I thought about how I wanted tonight to go. I can’t decide whether to just stay friends or push him towards something more. Rose’s words are constantly echoing in my head.

_Don’t tell me you’re that guy_  
_It’s never too late_  
_You have to fight for him_

I’m afraid that if I push for something more, I might drive him away. But on the other hand, if I keep it friendly, I might end up staying in the friend zone forever. 

Most of all though, I keep hearing; _Make him fall in love with you again_. Maybe I can become his best friend again, make him remember how good we used to be together. Make him see that we can be that again. Make him fall in love with me again.

_Because it was you. Everything has always been different with you._

Kurt said that. I don’t know what he meant by those words, he didn’t intend to say them, but he did. They give me hope. Hope that there’s still something inside him that sees something in me. I know he’s taken, know we can only be friends now, but it doesn't seem to be too serious between them, and maybe, just maybe, there’s still a chance for me and Kurt.

The walk to Kurt’s apartment takes me about fifteen minutes. I can’t believe we live this close to each other - that we probably have for a long time - yet we have never run into each other on the street. My mind is overflown with different scenarios of how we could have met earlier, and what our lives would be like now if we had. It makes me sad thinking about it. We were so close, and I had no idea. But we’re here now, and I have to tell myself that’s what matters.

Outside his building, I text him that I’m here, and five minutes later he’s walking out through the front door.

My knees go weak when he steps outside because _damn_ he looks good. He’s walking tall and proud, his hair perfect, a smile on his lips. There’s seemingly nothing left of the stress he was feeling before. I take him in as he walks over.

He’s wearing a pair of black skinny pants in a sort of fabric I’ve never seen before. They’re shiny and dull and textured and patterned all at the same time. And tight. Oh so tight. Like they were fitted on him, like a second skin. I have to force myself to look at the rest of him because those pants show off everything. 

In addition, he’s wearing a white fitted, short-sleeved shirt and he has a grey peacoat hanging over his arm. The outfit is very toned down, at least for the Kurt I used to know, but he looks so incredibly sexy in it, and I have to stop myself from pushing him up against the building and kiss him senseless.

Instead, I settle for a hug. A hug, which is less awkward than the one we shared when we last parted, but still not entirely relaxed. I want him to relax so bad, want him to feel at ease in my presence. But we’re not there yet.

We try to catch a cab for ten minutes, but luck isn’t on our side. I suggest that we walk because the club that I’m taking him to is in the Meatpacking district, not really that far away. But Kurt refuses to walk in the shoes he’s wearing. The next time a cab comes down the street, he simply steps out into the street and makes the cab stop (with shrieking breaks), and we get in. I give the address to the driver, he mutters something unhearable (although I can make out the words idiots and crazy), but then we’re on our way.

Kurt asks where we’re going, and I tell him about the private club I’m taking him to. It’s connected to the record label I’m signed to, and mostly frequented by people connected to it. Although it’s usually crowded, nobody will disturb us, and we’re guaranteed privacy. Kurt looks a little uncomfortable when I tell him this, and I ask him if he’d rather go somewhere else, but he assures me it’s okay.

When we arrive, we walk in without any questions even though it’s a private club. Not because I called ahead to let them know we were coming, but because they know me. The interior is modern, with a lot of glass and mirrors and crystal chandeliers, making the purple light emitted from recessed spotlights in the roof reflex everywhere.

“This place looks like the latest Bruno Mars video,” Kurt comments, and I have to agree. It looks very much like _Versace On The Floor_. And now I’m thinking about undressing Kurt, and that’s so not a good idea right now.

“What would you like to drink?” I ask to advert my mind from Kurt being naked.

“A glass of Amarone,” he says to which I raise a questioning eyebrow. “It’s a weakness I picked up when I was in Italy. It’s expensive, but there’s nothing better.”

I order a whole bottle, not caring about the price. If Kurt’s praising it, it must be good, and I’ll gladly take the opportunity to experience this with him. The club is rather packed, but with my status on the record label, there’s no problem getting a table in the more private VIP section of the club. 

The music is loud, but back here, it becomes background music, and the sound level doesn’t make it difficult to talk. We sit down on two comfortable, leather armchairs, and I put down the bottle and the two glasses on the small table between us.

“This place is… I don’t know what it is, but wow,” Kurt says amazed.

“Yeah, it’s a nice place,” I say and pour the wine. “Cheers,” I say and hold up my glass. He takes his and does the same. The wine is the most amazing thing I’ve ever tasted, and I know I’ll never enjoy another red wine again. I’m not normally a red wine type of guy, normally I’m more into whiskey, but for this I’m willing to change. I tell Kurt just that, and his smile says a seductive ‘I know’.

I feel relaxed, not as nervous as I thought I would feel being here with him. Maybe it’s the two whiskeys I took during the time I got ready, or maybe it’s that Kurt seems relaxed too. He leans back into his chair and takes in the room, letting his gaze sweep over it. I do the same, studying it more intently than I normally do. 

We’re not alone in the VIP section, but there’s a lot of space between the tables, and the arm chairs have high backrests making it feel as if each table is its own little secluded island, you barely see or hear the other guests when seated. The bar and the dance floor are more crowded, as are the tables outside of the VIP section. The music playing has a sort of seductive beat, and it’s easy to get drawn into it.

My sweep across the room ends when my eyes land on Kurt again. Gorgeous, sexy, mesmerizing Kurt. I feel light headed when I look at him, and I wonder how I could ever be so stupid that I let him slip through my fingers. If I get him back, I will never let that happen again. Ever.

“How’s Sophie?” I ask and Kurt chuckles softly.

“She’s fine,” he answers. “She’s gone back to her hiding mode again.”

“I should come back to your place then to drag her out of her hiding,” I say and easily picture myself on Kurt’s sofa with Sophie on my lap.

“Maybe you should,” Kurt says before he catches himself and then he quickly add, “but I guess you must be busy, you know, with being famous and all.”

“I’m not that busy,” I tell him, “and I always make time for my friends.”

He smiles shyly. “I still can’t get my head around that you’re famous, that you made it. You’re not just my friend from a small town in Ohio. You’re super famous, and everyone knows who you are.”

“I’m still your friend from a small town in Ohio,” I say because that’s who I want to be. That’s who I want him to see when he looks at me. “That will never change.”

Kurt tilts his head slightly to one side as if he throwing that thought around in his head to see if that’s really the case. “Maybe,” he says after a while, and I want to take hold of him and shake him or hug him until I have convinced him that I am still that guy. 

“Who do you think I am?” I ask.

Kurt raises his glass to his mouth slowly, taking a long sip before he puts the glass back down on the table, buying himself time to think about how he wants to answer that.

“I think that you’re this famous person whose life everybody envies, but you don’t want to be that person or live that life.”

I laugh because I want him to think that I think that sounds funny, but inside I almost choke because he is so spot on, it’s scary. This is the life I dreamed about, the life I gave him up for, but I don’t want to live this life anymore. Not the way I’ve been living it so far at least. It’s not worth all the pain I’m feeling, or the lonely, sleepless nights. It’s worth nothing without anyone to share it with. 

I shake myself free of those thoughts. I don’t want to end up in this sad, emotional state of mind, I want to have fun tonight. I want to be carefree and happy, and not think about what’s happening with the rest of my life. This part of my life, being here with Kurt, reconnecting, that’s what I want to focus on.

“How’s it going with the deadline?” I ask.

Kurt happily chats away about the crazy frenzy in the office during the last week. How he’s been eating, breathing, and sleeping designs, practically living in the office. I feel happy and chosen because he decided to spend his Saturday night with me. Somewhere in the conversation it becomes apparent though that Rafi is out of town for the weekend, which makes me feel slightly less chosen, but I decide not to let that get me down. Not when we’re having such a good time. 

Kurt becomes more and more relaxed the further the night goes on. It might have to do with the amount of red vine that now flows through his veins, but I choose to believe that it has to do with us easing back into being friends, being who we used to be.

He asks me questions about my life, what it’s like being me, has my life changed much since I became famous, do I have to take special precautions when I’m not at home, what I’ve been doing over the past week since we last met and what I’m doing in the foreseeable future. I answer as best I can (how do you really answer the question of what’s it like being me?). I tell him about writing new music, hoping to go for a slightly different sound for the next album. I tell him how we hope to be able to start recording sometime in October or early November.

We stay away from sensitive subjects. Topics like our break up and what happened then, our friends from high school, tears and lonely nights, are all left unspoken. We did enough of that last time. Tonight is about reconnecting and moving forward. I think we both feel that way. 

We also don’t talk about his boyfriend. Other than Kurt mentioning him being out of town for the weekend, neither of us have mentioned his name or his presence in Kurt’s life. I think we both want to keep this fragile beginning of a friendship as easy and light as possible. Talking about boyfriends and hopes for the future will only complicate things tonight.

The night is going so great. There’s a lot of smiles and laughter and fingers brushing against each other when he hands me his phone to show me a picture of one of his designs. A spark ripples through my body when our fingers touch, somehow that’s more exhilarating than the hug we shared before. He tells me he has designed the pants he’s wearing, and I can’t say I’m surprised. I don’t know anybody else who would find and use that fabric with such an amazing result. We both give and take, share about ourselves and listen with interest to the other. I relax into the moment.

“Well, well, well. Who do we have here?” I shudder at the sound of Sebastian’s smug voice behind me. _How the hell did he find us here?_

I manage to catch a glimpse of the alarmed look on Kurt’s face before I snap my head in Sebastian’s direction. “Seb, what are you doing here?” I try to sound nice, but the underlying tone of _what the fuck_ is unmistakable.

“I figured this is where you would go,” Sebastian answers. “I told you I would find out who your date was.” 

“This isn’t a date,” I say, mostly for Kurt’s sake, to reassure him that I didn’t tell Sebastian that I was going on a date.

Sebastian totally ignores my reply. “Now I see why you wanted to keep it a secret. Nice to meet you, Kurt.”

Kurt glares at him, and it’s obvious that there’s not a fiber in his body that is happy to see Sebastian. “Sebastian,” Kurt says as way of greeting.

“So, are you guys back together, or what?” He asks. “Does Jeff know about this?”

“Kurt is my friend, nothing more,” I say and even though it’s the truth, it breaks my heart a little to say it. “There’s nothing for Jeff to know.”

To my dismay, Sebastian takes a nearby chair and drags it over to our table. I try to convey an _I’m sorry_ to Kurt with my eyes, but his face has turned unreadable, and his eyes are focused on Sebastian.

“What are you doing, Seb?” I ask.

“Well, if this isn’t a date, you don’t mind me joining you guys, right?” Sebastian asks as he sits down. “What are you having?” He takes my glass with one hand and tastes the red content.

I don’t know what to say to that. Sebastian is my friend, and even though he has no sense of personal space, he has been there for me more times than I can ever repay. But I don’t want him here tonight. I want to be alone with Kurt. I don’t want to let Sebastian in to destroy this delicate thing that we are starting to create.

“Actually I do,” Kurt says to my surprise. “Mind, that is.”

“Really,” Sebastian says amused.

“Yes. I don’t believe you were invited to join us, which means you aren’t welcome.”

“Ouch! You’re still as feisty as you were back then.” The smug smile on his face tells me he’s enjoying this far too much.

“And just as back then, you can’t take a hint when you’re not welcome.”

“And you’re just as easy to get riled up as you were then. You’re so much fun, Kurt. I understand why Blaine still has a thing for you.”

“Okay, that’s enough, Sebastian,” I say harshly - my hands are gripping the armrest so tightly, my knuckles turn white. I feel my cheeks heat slightly. Even though Kurt knows I want him back, I don’t want that fact to be in focus. I’ve told him that I’m okay with us just being friends, and I want him to believe that. I don’t dare to look at Kurt because I don’t want to find out what expression his face is wearing right now. 

“Oops, you haven’t told him? Or isn’t it reciprocated? Or is that what you’re here to figure out?” 

Sometimes I wonder why we are friends. I can’t believe he came here, not to be nice, but to embarrass me, it seems. Or does he actually think this is helpful? I want him as far away from here as possible, as soon as possible.

“If you leave now, you can call me tomorrow and ask anything you like, and I will give you an honest answer,” I say and pray that he will take the deal.

Sebastian looks at me and must sense that I’m serious, that this is not a time to play games. “Fine,” he says. “When you give me an offer like that.” He gets up from his chair, and with a ‘nice to meet you Kurt,’ he leaves.

I watch him go and when I see his back disappear into the crowd, I turn to Kurt again. I’m met by a cold, unappreciative stare. “I’m so sorry,” I say. “I didn’t know he would show up.”

“It’s okay.” Kurt says, but I can tell he doesn’t mean it. “Can’t understand why you’re friends with him. I’ve only met him twice, but both of those times he’s been nothing but annoying.” 

I don’t want to get into the reason why he’s my friend, don’t want to talk about the weeks and months I spent miserable in Jeff and Nick’s apartment with only the two of them and Sebastian keeping me from going insane. I also don’t want to start arguing with Kurt. “I’m sorry,” I say again.

Kurt doesn’t seem too impressed with my response, and all the easy and relaxed atmosphere that we shared before is gone. I need to fix this.

“I know Seb is a little too much sometimes, but please ignore him, he’s harmless. I would like to say that he’s sorry, but he probably isn’t. He just loves being an annoying idiot.”

To my relief Kurt smiles at my comment. “It really is okay,” he says reassuringly and rests his hand lightly on one of mine. The touch soothes me and exhilarates me at the same time, and I loosen my grip of the chair. “It’s not your fault he showed up here. I don’t get him, but he must have done something good to deserve your friendship.” 

After that our conversation eases back almost to where we were before. After a few minutes, I excuse myself to go to the restroom. On my way there I have to cross the dance floor. The music is more upbeat now than when we arrived. Bodies are moving in sync, and the purple spot lights are blinking to the beat of the music. I suddenly feel the urge to dance, to just let loose and forget about Sebastian, forget about all my problems. Forget about the past five years.

The lingering sensation of Kurt’s hand on mine makes me want to be close to him, makes me want an excuse to touch him more, to look at him without the need to talk to him. I want to erase all worries, all unanswered questions, all ifs and buts and don’ts, and just be close to Kurt. Just for a little while, I want to forget that he has a boyfriend, forget that things are awkward between us. I want to get lost in the moment with Kurt.

When I return from the restroom, nerves strike me. The thought of asking Kurt to dance with me makes me nervous - even if it’s not even going to be a slow dance, even if it’s just us moving around the dance floor with all the other bodies there. He could easily say no, there’s no reason for him to say yes really, but I want it so badly.

My palms are sweaty and my hands are shaking just a little bit. My heart is thudding so hard I can hear it in my ears. It’s making me dizzy. It’s just dancing I try to tell myself, but as soon as I glance over to our table and see Kurt, I know that’s a lie. 

I order a whiskey to calm myself, to keep my nerves under control. I down it quickly and feel it work its magic as it slides down my throat. I order a second one, the need for liquid encouragement too strong to resist.

With my nerves under control, I walk over and ask Kurt if he wants to dance. He seems hesitant at first, but then he glances at the dancing crowd, and it’s like he also needs to let loose and let go. I boldly take him by the hand and lead him to the dance floor. He doesn’t object being lead there, doesn’t let go of my hand.

But when we reach the dance floor, the music shifts into a something slower. Kurt halts beside me. 

“I can’t do this,” he says and drops my hand. 

_When the rain is blowing in your face_  
_And the whole world is on your case_  
_I could offer you a warm embrace_

I realize how this must look. I disappear for a few minutes, return, ask him to dance, and when we enter the dance floor, this song comes on. Adele’s voice washes over us as I turn to look at him. 

“I swear I didn’t plan for this, I swear.”

This is a club where people know me. I could easily have arranged it with the DJ to start playing this song when we entered the floor, but I didn’t, and I hope Kurt believes me when I say so. But now that we’re here, I don’t want to let the opportunity to be close to him, to hold him, slip through my fingers. 

“Please, it’s just one dance.” I look at him, my eyes meeting his, pleading with him. Kurt stands stiff beside me, his reluctance practically oozing out of him.

“For old times’ sake.” I know our past is tainted, but we used to be good at one point. If I can get him to remember, if he can feel those feelings again...

Something changes in Kurt’s eyes when I say that, and he takes my hand and leads me to the center of the dance floor. I try to meet his eyes, but he decisively looks in another direction, determined not to look at me as he puts one hand on the small of my back, draws me closer and we start to dance. I lean my head against his shoulder and let him lead me around the dance floor.

_I know you haven’t made your mind up yet_  
_But I will never do you wrong_  
_I’ve known it from the moment that we met_  
_No doubt in my mind where you belong_

I quietly sing the words into his neck, not sure if he’s hearing them, but meaning every single one. I feel the tension in his body slowly melt away, with every beat of the music. I press myself a little closer to him, my chest tight against his, wondering if he can feel the crazy way my heart is pounding. I remember the night he placed my hand on his heart and let me feel the way his heart was beating. He told me it did every time I was close to him. I’m wondering if it’s happening now. 

Everything else disappears, right now Kurt and I are the only persons on this Earth, and I finally have him in my arms again. I feel like crying, and a tear might actually be rolling down my cheek. I’m happy and sad at the same time. Happy to be here in his arms, to be this close to him, to feel him, to touch him. Sad that as soon as this song is over, the moment will be gone, and I won’t be held by him anymore.

I breathe in and my mind is filled with Kurt’s scent. I’m sent back five years in time, lying on his bed, in his arms feeling safe, feeling the happiest I have ever been. He smells the same as he did then, and the sensation is so strong, it threatens to knock me sideways. This is where I belong - in Kurt’s arms, on his bed, on this dance floor. Everywhere he is. 

I will the song to go on forever to make this moment last forever.

_I could make you happy, make your dreams come true_  
_There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do_  
_Go to the ends of this Earth for you_  
_To make you feel my love_

The song doesn’t go on forever. As the final notes of the song fade away, and it’s replaced by a new one, we stand still on the dance floor, and for the first time since he took my hand, Kurt looks at me. His eyes meet mine, and they don’t look away. 

He looks sad and vulnerable and blissful all at the same time. This might be the prettiest I’ve ever seen him, and I can’t control the way my body reacts to it. I feel my erection grow and press into Kurt’s thigh. I don’t care. I want to kiss him. _God, I so desperately want to kiss him_. It would be so easy to just lean in, press my lips against his, taste him, take what I’ve been dreaming of for so long. The way he looks at me, I even think he wants me to. I hold his eyes, make sure he’s with me as I start to lean in.

Kurt looks away, lets go of me, and takes a step back. All contact gone. He turns on his heels and starts walking, almost running, away from me.

I’m left standing there, alone, abandoned, with my arms still raised as if I’m holding someone in them. What if he he leaves the club altogether? Leaves without saying goodbye. Walks out of my life again.

_Fuck, what did I just do…?_

I see that he heads for the restroom. I deliberate if I should follow him. Follow him and actually kiss him. Screw the consequences and take what I want. Push him up against a wall and reclaim what I once lost. Let him know just how much I want him.

But there’s something stopping me from going after him. This isn’t like me. I usually take what I want, without asking. But not with Kurt. I can’t. He means so much more than a quick fuck. I’m scared that if I follow him, that’s all I’ll have. Then he will recent me, he will recent himself, and it will be over for good.

The thrill is there, I can feel it. I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me, but he’s not quite there yet. Not where he needs to be to let down his guard and accept that I will never not choose him again. 

Maybe he needs more time, maybe he hasn’t figured it out for himself yet. Maybe I’m just daydreaming.

I order a new whiskey and return to our table, hoping that he will come back and not escape through the front door. I slowly drink the amber colored liquid, the one thing I’ve become reliant on to strengthen me, to calm me, to make the ache inside me subdue. 

Ten minutes pass, fifteen, and I start to become anxious. I pushed too far. I pushed him too far. There was a moment there, I’m sure of it, but then I went for the kiss, my erection pressing against him.

I told him I was okay with being friends, but this combined with Sebastian’s comment, it must being clear even to him that I want more. But I don’t want to push for more if that means I’m risking having him in my life again. I don’t care about being _that guy_ anymore.

I worry that he actually has sneaked out despite my eyes being glued to that door. Five minutes later, however, the bathroom door opens, and Kurt returns. I’m still scared that he will turn right and leave the club without saying goodbye. Kurt looks around the room, searching the crowd. Searching for me. When our eyes meet, he crosses the dance floor and returns to our table. 

When he comes closer, I see that he’s been crying. I don’t understand why, but I instantly feel guilty for the way I acted, and with that comes the need to apologize. The words tumble out of me too quickly, too unscripted, too raw, too desperate.

“I swear I hadn’t arranged for that song to be played, Kurt. I’m sorry if I overstepped, we should have just returned here instead. I’m sorry about Sebastian too and about what he said. I really am okay with us being friends, I don’t expect anything more even if this whole evening might indicate otherwise. Really, I just… I can’t…”

“Blaine,” Kurt says softly. “Stop. It’s okay. I get it.”

I look confused at him because how can he get it? How can he get that I can’t lose him again, that I can’t live without him? He holds my whole heart in his hands, and he has the power to drop it to the ground and make it shatter into a million pieces all over again. “No, you don’t… You-” I say but Kurt interjects me.

He puts that reassuring hand on mine again. “I get that this isn’t easy. It isn’t for me either.” He takes a long breath before he continues. “I just… I need a little more time.”

I’m not entirely sure what he means, but I nod and say, “Okay”.

“I think I should leave now, but I’ll call you tomorrow. Okay?”

“Okay,” I say again, still confused as to what this all means, but unable to articulate any question to him.

He squeezes my hand before he lets it go. All I can do is sit there, wondering if Kurt actually confessed to something, and watch him leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think that the songs need any explanations, but just in case it was _Hoplessly Devoted To You_ from Grease and _Make You Feel My Love_ by Adele


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the delay in this chapter. I wasn't at all happy with it (feelings and thoughts were all over the place) and had to do a lot of editing and re-writing of certain parts to make it ok. It's a long chapter, but still 2k shorter than it was from the beginning.

**Kurt, Sunday September 10th 2017, 11.01 am**

Waking up after a night with a lot of toss and turning before finally falling asleep, the first thing on my mind is Blaine. Blaine and what happened last night. 

Last night was intense. It was not what I expected it to be, but then again I don’t know what I had expected. I didn’t really think about what it would entail when I suggested that we go out for a drink instead of coffee. I knew I wanted to meet Blaine and dig deeper into that lingering feeling of wanting something more with him. I needed to know if it was real and not something I was just thinking I wanted. 

I didn’t know he would take me to this private club. I didn’t know that Sebastian would show up. And I definitely didn’t know we would be dancing. Talking had been good - it had been easy. It had felt like we were getting to know each other again. We were just us, two friends out having fun. Then Sebastian showed up.

I have only met Sebastian twice in my life, but both times he has made me feel uneasy. It’s like he’s intruding and stepping over so many boundaries without even realizing it. Or maybe he just doesn’t care. I don’t understand why he and Blaine are friends, but I’m sure there is a reason somewhere.

I look up at the ceiling, still lying in bed. I don’t feel like getting up today. I should probably head off to work - the deadline is tomorrow and the office is sure to be a frenzy - but my mind is not in the right place for me to be of any real help there.

I lean over the side of my bed and pull out a sketchpad from underneath, where I usually keep it. I think better when I sketch. I grab my charcoal pencil, keeping the color pencils close by, and let my hand move aimlessly across the paper.

Sebastian made me realize that Blaine’s feeling for me are real. Or it was more Blaine’s reaction to Sebastian’s words - the way he tensed and blushed and felt the need to apologize on Sebastian’s behalf. After Sebastian left, that was all I could think about. Blaine wants me, and not only my friendship, and maybe I want him, too. I think I might, but I feel like it’s all going too fast. I shouldn’t want him, not this fast. Not at all. I shouldn’t be drawn to him, shouldn’t be this affected by him after only meeting him twice. But I am.

I knew dancing with him would be a bad idea. Slow dancing with him was an even worse idea. It was dangerous and wrong and… and beautiful and so, so right. Being that close to him, wrapping my arms around him, having him lean his head against my shoulder… I didn’t realize how much I had missed that. How much I didn’t want to let him go. 

How much I wanted to kiss him.

I was so close to kissing him, and that would have been so wrong. I can’t kiss anyone but Rafi. I’m not available. But I wanted to. More than I have wanted anything in a very long time. And I would have - I’m sure of it. But then Blaine leant in, and I felt his erection pressing into my thigh, and I felt myself getting hard, and reality crashed down on me. Hard. I might have turned into a liar, but I am not a cheater. Yet there I was thinking about kissing another man than my boyfriend, getting hard for another man and I just couldn’t stay there anymore. I had to get away. Get away from temptations. Temptations that threatened to turn me into something, someone, I can’t be. Not even for Blaine. 

Especially not for Blaine.

I fled to the bathroom, locked myself into one of the stalls and cried. _Who was I turning into?_ With a few whispered words into my neck, an arm that pressed me closer to him, I became eighteen-year-old me again.

The tears were for myself, not knowing if there was a turning back now. They were for Rafi, knowing that I will hurt him in some way. They were for Blaine, not knowing if I will be able to give him what he wants. They were for the fear of not knowing what the next step was and how to take it. For the fear of letting everyone down.

I felt I needed time to think - everything was too much, too intense right then, and I couldn’t sort my head out. I couldn’t sit on the floor in the stall of a men’s room at a private club and figure things out. I needed to get home, to get some distance from Blaine, to not be distracted by his presence. 

When I got back out, he was sitting by our table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. Come to think of it, he did drink quite a lot last night. He drank most of the wine, and I saw him drink something at the bar before he asked me to dance. Yet he didn’t seem affected by it. If I had been drinking that much, I would have been more than a little tipsy. Yet he was unaffected. _Was that normal?_ Was he used to drinking that much? 

I shake my head a little, getting my thoughts back to the real issue. Last night I felt I needed time away from Blaine. I told Blaine I needed more time. Time on my own to think. But thinking doesn’t really solve anything. I’ve been thinking all night, and I can probably think about this all day and never reach a conclusion. I need to spend more time with him. Only time together will give me answers.

I don’t want to wait until tomorrow or later when there is work and friends and boyfriends and music and so much else to take up our time. 

I pick up my phone from the bedside table and find Blaine’s contact details. I press dial and wait for the signal to go through. It’s not until then that I look down on my sketch pad. My hands have been working non-stop during the time I’ve been thinking. Staring back at me from the paper is a pair of eyes. Blaine’s eyes. The eyes with the undetermined color mix of gold and amber and hazel and honey with a tinge of green on the edges. The most beautiful eyes in this world.

“Eh... Hello?” A sleep-drunken voice greets me.

“Hey,” I say. “It’s Kurt.”

I hear some ruffling and shuffling in the background, like he’s sitting up and drawing the covers over himself. “Oh, hey, Kurt,” Blaine answers, a little less sleepy now. “What time is it?”

I look at the time on my phone and then return the phone to my ear. “Almost noon,” I say. “I was wondering if you would like to come over for breakfast?” I was going to say lunch, but I haven’t had breakfast yet, and by the sound of it, neither has Blaine.

“Uhm, sure,” he says a little hesitantly, and I start to wonder if this was a bad idea. Maybe I’ve been overthinking and overanalyzing – I do have a tendency to do that – but then Blaine’s voice changes. “That sounds great, just give me like 30 minutes to shower and get dressed.”

“No need to rush,” I tell him as I realize that I don’t have any breakfast worthy food at home. “I need to run down to the grocery store and get some things.”

“I can shop on my way over,” Blaine offers.

But I want to make him to breakfast, not have him buying it. “It’s okay, I can do it,” I assure him.

We hang up, and I hurry out of bed, turning it into a sofa again, and look around the room to make sure it looks presentable. I remove the sewing machine from the table, leaving room for us to sit and eat, and I put away a few other things that are scattered across my tiny apartment. After picking out clothes and a quick trip to the bathroom (where I cringe at my own reflection and promise myself to never forgo my skin care routine again), I’m out the door and heading for the small grocery store on the corner. I call Cassandra on the way, knowing I should have made this call before I called Blaine. She agrees to give me the day off if I promise to be in early tomorrow and don’t leave until everything is finished.

I pick out ingredients for lemon and poppy seed pancakes remembering that those used to be his favorites. I add some yogurt and granola because that’s what I normally eat. I also add eggs and bacon in a sudden apprehension that he might have changed his preferences. Before I head to the checkout counter, I add a box of chocolate chip cookies remembering his love for those.

I hurry back home again realizing how much I have to do to get this ready before Blaine gets here. When he arrives, 45 minutes after we hung up, I start to think that I might have overdone it a little bit. Treating him to his favorite might give him the wrong impression of why I invited him over. Maybe he’ll think that I’ve made a decision, but all I want is to get to know him a little bit better. 

It’s a bit awkward in the beginning. He’s wary. I think he’s trying to read the situation after last night, and I think he’s worried that he will say or do something wrong. I don’t want him to feel that way. I want him to be comfortable. He relaxes a tiny bit when he sees the food, and a small smile is tugging at the corner of his lips.

“Lemon and poppy seed pancakes,” he says with a sparkle in his eyes as we sit down by my small table.

“I hope you still like them,” I say, but from the look in his eyes, I already know the answer.

“You know they’re my favorites. You made my favorites…” he says as his smile grows wider. “You really didn’t have to go through all this trouble.”

“It wasn’t any trouble,” I say. “Coffee?” 

“Any chance you can turn it into a Spanish coffee?” he asks, making a joke out of it. But it’s only partly a joke, and his question unsettles me. Considering how much he drank last night, and now this… I might be reading too much into it, but there’s something there that doesn’t feel right.

“Sorry, you’ll have to settle with ordinary coffee,” I say and put on a smile that is only partly genuine.

Blaine laughs it off and holds forward his coffee mug so that I can pour him some coffee.

The pancakes are an icebreaker. After that, conversation becomes easier, he seems to actually feel lighter. We eat and make small talk during breakfast. It feels easy and natural, and I can easily picture spending my weekends like this, with Blaine sitting across from me. I have to remind myself that we’re not there yet, that we might never end up there. 

When I bring out the chocolate chip cookies, I’m rewarded with the biggest smile I’ve yet to receive from him since we reconnected.

“Chocolate chip cookies,” he says dreamily and takes a bite of one of them. “I still remember the day these were a trade for a PB&J sandwich and the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

“I remember that day, too. It was the first day someone noticed me in a very long time, and I was so fascinated by you,” I say, remembering thinking Blaine was too good to be true, that his attention and affection towards me was sure to end within the week. “I also expected you to knock me over if I didn’t comply.” I say this with a lot of humor because I want to keep things light and easy for the moment.

“I would never,” Blaine says, more serious than I would like him to be. It’s almost like he’s offended by the thought of harming me.

“I know,” I say with a reassuring smile. “But I didn’t know that after talking to you for five minutes.” Blaine smiles back, and all seriousness is gone as quickly as it appeared.

After we’ve finished eating, we clear the table, leave the dishes in the sink, and return to the living room. I sit down on my sofa, and Blaine aims for the floor again like the last time he was here.

“You can sit up here,” I say. “It’s much more comfortable than the floor.” I don’t mind being close to him today. I actually kind of want it.

As if he was waiting for my invitation, Blaine sits down on the sofa without any further hesitation. I sit with my back against the wall by the short end of the sofa. My legs are stretched out with only a slight bend to the knees and Blaine sits down on the other end of the sofa where my legs end. 

When we have made ourselves comfortable, Sophie makes her entrance, striding out from her hiding place. Just like last time Blaine was here, she completely ignores me and jumps straight up onto his lap. I’m still amazed by her affection towards him - she’s really never like this with anyone else, but for some reason Blaine has gained her trust. 

As she makes herself comfortable on Blaine’s lap, he says, “I almost forgot. I bought her a present.” I look at him, and I must look surprised or amused because he laughs a little. “Don’t look at me like that. She likes me, and there’s not a lot of that in my life, so I want to keep her on my good side.”

His words make me ache a little for him as does the understanding that despite being a famous musician, he doesn’t have many people in his life that he calls his friends. 

“You know she’s a cat right? She won’t judge you based on whether you come bearing gifts or not.”

“I know,” Blaine says softly. “I just walked passed this a few days ago and thought of her. I’ll give it to her later though, she seems too comfortable now.” He slides his fingers through her fur, and Sophie inevitably starts purring. I can see easily imagine the two of them sitting like this in the future. 

“Thank you on Sophie’s behalf,” I say, smiling at the two of them. “I’m sure she’ll like whatever it is you got her. It’s very sweet of you to think of her.” Blaine’s gaze is lingering on Sophie, and I can detect an affectionate smile on his lips.

“That’s a nice sketch. Did you make it?” Blaine says and tilts his head towards the sketch pad on my nightstand.

I know what he must mean, but still I have to look to make sure. When I turn my head slightly in that direction, my suspicions are confirmed. _Shit_. I forgot to put away the sketch of his eyes in my hurry to run to the grocery store. And now he has seen it, and he must know that those are his eyes.

“Yes…” I say, unsure how to explain, or if I should even try to explain. My hand just sort of drew them by itself. I don’t know what it means.

“You are so skilled, you always have been. They look…” Blaine starts, but pauses, looking for the right word. He settles for _alive_. “Are those my-?”

“Yes,” I say quickly because even though we both know they’re his, I don’t want it to be said out loud. I don’t really want to talk about why I’ve been drawing his eyes. My feelings for him and his return into my life are still not sorted out in my head, and I couldn’t even try to explain why I’ve been sketching his eyes. 

He knows how beautiful I’ve always thought his eyes were, how easily I could lose myself in them. The fact that I have drawn them now, he must know that that means something. 

Blaine doesn’t say anything else about my sketch after that. I need to steer this conversation in another direction. Blaine’s comment earlier about not having a lot of people in his life that like him comes back to me, and it makes me think of something else we can talk about instead.

”You know how you asked me if I was still in contact with our old friends?” I say, trying to sound at ease and not like my mind is desperately trying to figure out conversation topics that are safe.

”M-hm…?” Blaine says and nods, a little confused by the change of topic I think.

”I never got the chance to ask you if you have any contact with them now.” 

”No.” The answer comes out of him so fast and so resolute that I wonder if something happened between them that I’m not aware of.

”None at all?” I ask, and Blaine shakes his head. ”Why not?”

Blaine frowns and lets out a small sigh. ”I…” he says and then falls into silence. He seems a little unnerved by the question. 

“We don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I say and Blaine looks grateful. “Although, there are some things I think we should talk about.”

I don’t know anything of his life during our years apart, but I think I need to know in order to understand who he is now. I know I have changed a lot in the five years we have been apart, and I wouldn’t expect him to be the same person he was then either.

It takes a few moments before Blaine starts talking, and when he does, it takes me a few seconds to understand that he is actually answering my question from before.

”After you left and after everything with my mom, I just felt kind of lost I guess. I should probably have turned to our friends for support. But to be honest, I didn’t want to be around anyone who reminded me of you. So instead, I just shut everyone out and left. They were all going to leave Lima anyway so…”

His voice drifts off and I can tell that this is hard for him, talking about the past. 

”Sam wasn’t leaving,” I say. He and Sam used to be close. Sam was the one who told me about his mom and dad, but it seems after their summer gigs ended, Blaine shut him out too.

”No, not Sam…” Blaine admits after a moments silence. He’s stroking Sophie who seems more than content with the attention she’s getting from Blaine.

”I think he still misses you,” I say remembering the last time I met him, and how he had seemed to want to ask me about Blaine, but when he started to, Tina quickly quieted him. “Maybe you should call him.”

”Maybe… but it’s been such a long time, and I wouldn’t know where to start. It’s not like we can just fall into an easy conversation right off… and there’s a lot of apologies needed from me… and… well that’s not really my strong side…”

”You apologized to me…”

”Yeah, but that’s you, Kurt...”

My chest tightens just a little because when he says it, I realize that no matter what happens, things concerning him and me will always be different. 

”Where did you go?” I ask. Blaine looks confused, so I clarify. ”You said you left, so where did you go?”

”Oh, I moved in with Jeff and Nick in Columbus,” Blaine says as if it’s the most logical thing.

”Jeff and Nick?” Now I’m the confused one. I don’t think I’ve ever heard about them before.

“Jeff is my manager. I don’t remember if you met him at the Vibe - blond guy with crazy hair?”

“Maybe,” I say because that sounds vaguely familiar.

“Okay, so Nick is his boyfriend, and they were kind enough to let me crash on their couch. It never really felt like a home, and half of the time I felt like I was mostly in the way intruding on their life. But I had nowhere else to go. I couldn’t go back to Lima, there was nothing left for me there.”

“You really weren’t feeling happy back then,” I say, more as a revelation than a question to him.

“No, I didn’t… I…” Blaine says, his voice breaking as he looks down at Sophie, away from me.

I don’t like the feeling I get thinking of Blaine back then. Alone and lonely with nowhere to go if it weren’t for two strangers. Part of it - if not all - was because of me. It’s my fault. Rationally I know that he made his own choices, that things could have been different - but I feel so, so guilty.

“I had no idea…” I say. Why didn’t he call me? Why didn’t he answer any of my calls? I don’t understand. He knows I would have been there for him if he had asked.

Blaine shrugs as if to say it is what it is.

“Do you keep in contact with your mom now?” I ask.

“No,” he answers in a clipped voice. “I haven’t spoken to her since she told me to not be me.”

“Blaine…” I say, my voice cracking just as my heart.

“It’s okay,” he says. “I should have seen it coming. It’s not like it was the first time she chose someone else above me. I’m just sad that I let myself think that she had changed.”

“I think she did change, at least that’s what I saw. I just think she got momentarily sidetracked.”

Blaine lets out a short, dry laugh. He shakes his head. “No, she never changed. She just didn’t have anyone in her life right then, but as soon as she did, she didn’t give a crap about me. Same as always.”

I don’t believe that to be the truth. I remember that she was trying hard to make their relationship better, and she did want to put him first. Something obviously happened, but sometimes love can blind you for a second before you can see clearly again. There’s no point in telling Blaine this right now. I can tell he’s not in the right state of mind to listen to my arguments.

“I’m sorry,” I say instead.

“It’s not your fault,” Blaine shrugs, and even though he’s trying to pretend it doesn’t bother him, I can see that it does. I know him, and I know how much it meant to him that they were getting back on track, how important their Sunday night dinners were to him.

“I wish I could have been there for you, back then…”

“I know you wanted to... I was just so sad after our break up and… and I just couldn’t be around you.” He takes a deep breath. “I’ve been in a dark place since… then… when everything in my life shifted.”

An uneasy feeling spreads through my body. _A dark place_. What does that mean? A thought that has been bothering me all day comes back to me now. “It’s that why you started drinking?”

“What? No… I don’t…” Blaine starts, but then he goes quiet. 

“ _Blaine_.” I say, nudging at his thigh with my toes, forcing him to look at me.

When he does, his startled look turns into defeat. “How did you know?”

“I guess a number of things. We first met at that pub, the..?”

“The Flying Duck,” Blaine supplies.

“Yes, that’s the one. I don’t know if you normally go to pubs alone, I mean as you are, you know, _you_ ,” I say, still not sure how famous people live their lives. “But you said you came back every night.” 

“I was waiting for you,” Blaine answers.

“Okay, that may be true. But then yesterday, you drank most of the wine, and I saw you drinking something at the bar, too. If that were me, I would have been pretty drunk, but you seemed unaffected by the amount of alcohol you poured into your body. And that just doesn’t seem normal. It’s like your body is used to high alcohol levels. And then today, you wanted a Spanish coffee.”

“That was a joke.”

“I don’t think it was,” I say. “I think you wanted, maybe needed, the alcohol. I might be reading this all wrong, and if that’s the case, I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you.” I am very worried about him. I don’t want anything to happen to him, and I don’t like the idea of him harming himself in this way. 

“No, you are right. I…I…” He closes his eyes, draws in a deep breath, and slowly lets it out. I can see that he is uncomfortable, and I’m on the verge of telling him that he doesn’t have to talk about it, that he doesn’t owe me any explanation, but I stop myself because maybe he needs to talk about it. I’m not going to force it out of him, but I’m not going to give him an easy out either.

“I was in a really dark place back then,” Blaine starts, repeating his words from before. “Everything went bad all at the same time, and I couldn’t handle it, didn’t know how to. That’s why I shut everyone out, everyone but Jeff. And Sebastian, because Sebastian just doesn’t take no for an answer.”

That explains why he is friends with Sebastian. He was there when nobody else was, in his darkest time, Sebastian didn’t allow himself to be ignored. I shouldn’t have either. I should have tried harder.

“I wanted to answer your calls - I almost did so many times - but I was afraid you wouldn’t like the person I had turned into. When you left me, something in me shifted, and I’m not telling you this to put blame on you. I just need you to understand what I became back then. I hated everything. Everything I had ever cared about was taken away from me. You, my mom, and even my dad was literally being taken away - although I didn’t know him and never had the chance to love him - it just felt like what’s the point, you know? With everything. And so yes, you are right, I do drink a lot, probably more than I should. It started then. It was a means to escape. Escape from the world, escape from myself. Escape from you and the memories of you that kept haunting me. Seb happily took me to parties, and we had a lot of fun together. Until we didn’t. Until it got out of control, and he told me to stop, to calm down. But I couldn’t. When he didn’t want to buy alcohol for me, I found other ways to get it. He tried to reason with me, but when he couldn’t, he at least accompanied me to make sure I didn’t get into trouble. And I would have if it weren’t for him. I think he saved my life more than once.”

His words come tumbling out. It’s like opening a floodgate - there’s no stop. It’s almost as if he’s relieved to share this with me.

“It got better for a while when my music started to kick off. But then on tours… even though I was surrounded by people all the time, and everyone wanted a piece of me, I felt so lonely and so lost. I tried to stop thinking about you. You were the only good thing that ever happened in my life, and I wanted to share my success with you, but I couldn’t. And I couldn’t stop thinking about you. So I drank even more, to forget. Getting drunk was the only way I knew how to be free from thoughts of you… That, and hooking up with random strangers…”

My heart is suddenly in my throat. _Hooking up?_ I’ve heard the rumors, but to have him confess to it is something completely different.

“I’m not proud of myself for anything I’ve done, but I want to tell you the whole truth even if that leads you to push me away. I’m so tired, Kurt. Tired of the life I’m living. I don’t want to live like this anymore.”

He looks utterly tired and defeated when he shares his past with me. I had no idea my worried questions would bring this out. I had no idea his life had been like that. That he had been so miserable and lost and lonely. I want to crawl over to him and hold him and just make everything all right again. But I can’t, because he’s not mine, and I am not his. 

His story makes me worry more than before. What kind of life has he been living? How many guys has he been with? I don’t know if I really want an answer to that. But yet I need to know more. Hooking up to forget… That sounds so destructive.

“Hooking up? What did you do?” I ask to find out if it as bad as it sounds.

Blaine lets out a long shaky breath. “Kurt… this is going to sound horrible.” He steels himself before he continues. “Every night after a concert, I would tell Jeff to bring me someone from the crowd of fans waiting outside. Jeff would ask me what I preferred. I would tell him, and he would bring it to me. I… I usually preferred guys because I am after all gay, but sometimes I asked him to bring me a girl.” 

“Every night?” I ask feeling my gut wrench.

“I didn’t really care about anything… I didn’t enjoy it, but I couldn’t stop myself either… The short minutes I was with someone, I was able to block you out of my mind. I know it sounds stupid, but that was really the only reason. I felt like a failure, but for those few minutes, I was free, and it was liberating. I don’t think you understand, but my every thought, every breath was consumed by you.” He pauses momentarily to catch his breath, to re-gather his thoughts. “Of course, it didn’t last very long, but… yeah that’s why I did it. Jeff tried to get me to stop, told me I was only hurting myself, but I couldn’t stop…”

I feel disgusted thinking about Blaine with all those guys and girls, thinking about how he used them. It’s so far from the Blaine I used to know, the Blaine he used to be back then, that I can hardly reconcile the story he just told me with that person he was then. Or the person that is sitting next to me now. Because this person is honest and open and raw. He just opened up to me about something that he has probably not shared with anyone else, and I can’t imagine it has been easy for him to confess. I can see how truly lost and alone he has been in these past years, and again, I feel guilty because part of it _is_ my fault.

“I have never been able to forget you, Kurt. I’ve never been able to stop loving you. I’ve never wanted to… But you’re probably disgusted with me now, and I should leave,” Blaine says and starts to move Sophie from his lap so that he can get up from where he is sitting.

His words hit me hard. He never stopped loving me. He still loves me. I should probably want him to leave - maybe it would be for the best because now we are on dangerous grounds. But I don’t want him to leave. The thought of him alone, drinking because I pushed him away again when he still loves me, is more than I can handle. 

I sit up and reach for his arm to stop him. “You don’t have to leave.” I might have been disgusted at first, but now I realize I want to help him feel better about himself. And even if I can’t be with him the way he wants me to, he still loves me, and I can still be his friend. 

“Please stay,” I continue when he looks at me with confusion and self-disgust. “I’m not judging you for what you have done.”

“You should. Didn’t you hear what I just said?”

“Yes, I heard. But I think that’s not who you want to be. It’s not too late to change if you want to. I’ve made so many mistakes when it comes to you, none of which I can change, but I’m here now. Even though we can’t be who we were before, I am your friend, and I want to help you. If you’ll let me.

“How?”

“Well, I can try to make sure you don’t drink that much, you know it’s not healthy, right? To drink to forget?”

“Yes, I know,” Blaine says dryly.

I sigh to myself. I sound so judgmental, and that’s not the way I wanted it to come out. 

“I’m sorry… Do you want to change?” He said he doesn’t want to live like this anymore, but I have to make sure.

“Yes…” Blaine answers. “I want to, I need to… but it’s a hard habit to break.”

At least he’s aware of his problems, and that’s a start. I’m not with him all the time, but I can still be there for him if he needs somebody. 

“You can call me whenever you feel like getting drunk just to forget or to ease your mind, and I’ll promise I’ll always answer and talk to you about it. You can call me whenever you feel lonely and need someone to talk to.” 

I pause again, not sure how to phrase what I want to say next, because really I have no right to tell him how to act or how to interact with other people, but I still need to. The way he’s been living is so destructive, and that just gets to me. “If you are about to… with someone, and you feel you’re maybe doing it for all the wrong reasons, you can call me. I want to be your friend again, Blaine, maybe even your best friend. I’ve missed my best friend.”

I have missed my best friend so much. Even though I have other friends, really good friends, no one knows me the way Blaine does. He’s always been such a big part of me, of my life. Even when he wasn’t in it.

“I haven’t been with anyone since I saw you that first time at the Flying Duck,” Blaine admits. “I don’t want to be with anyone else. I only want to be with you.” He puts his hand on top of mine, the one that is still resting on his arm.

“ _Blaine…_ ” I say letting out a sigh.

“I know, I know,” he says and removes his hand slowly again, as if he doesn’t really want to but knows that it’s the right thing to do. The skin of my hand tingles softly from where his hand was resting upon mine, and even though I still have my hand on his arm, I miss the double contact. “You have a boyfriend. And I know you told me it’s too late, and I respect that. It’s just… you always told me to tell the truth, to not lie, and this is my truth.”

This is his truth. Even though he has told me before that he wants me back, this time his words weigh so much heavier. I don’t know if it is the _I don’t want to be with anyone else_ , or the way he says it with such honesty and gentleness, but it affects me so much more this time. 

It’s becoming harder to ignore that part of me that still wants him, that still longs to be his. And if Blaine is being truthful with me, maybe I can afford to be truthful with him, too? “You’re making it really hard for me to resist you…”

He looks up at me, a small smile tugging at his lips. He slides the arm that my hand is lightly resting on upwards, so that my fingers are tracing down his forearm until our hands meet. He laces his fingers with mine and says in a soft voice, “Why do you have to resist?”

There are so many reasons why, yet I can’t think of any of them right now. Not when he’s looking at me that way. Open. Inviting. Vulnerable. Not when he’s holding my hand, his hand fitting perfectly in mine, his thumb slowly stroking the top of my hand. What reasons could there be to not be with him? Right now, I can’t find any reasons to resist, and I find myself being pulled towards him, like a magnet. I look into his eyes, the same eyes I’ve gotten lost in so many times before, the same eyes my hands sketched without my mind registering this morning. Always those mesmerizingly beautiful eyes that seem to be more golden today than ever before. Unknowingly I hold my breath. I know what’s about to happen. I know that I won’t be able to stop this. I don’t want to. 

A sudden knock on my door brutally pulls me away from the moment and back to reality, and I find myself pulling back from Blaine too, letting his hand go in the process as I stand up next to my bed. _What am I doing?_ Was I about to…? My heart is racing, and my mind is spinning, and I can’t really process what just happened. It’s too much right now, and I can barely breathe. I look at Blaine. He looks calm. _How can he look so calm?_ Were we just about to…? Again?

There’s another knock on the door, a little harder this time, bringing me back to the present once again. I’m not expecting anyone, but when my brain starts to function somewhat, I think that it’s probably old Mrs. Schultz from across the hall who wants to borrow something. Mrs. Schultz has a thing for baking, but she’s always out of supplies. She often knocks on my door to ask for flour or sugar or something else she needs. I rarely have any of these things at home, but she doesn’t remember that and keeps coming back to ask me for things. Then she also brings me baked goods to thank me for borrowing her whatever it was she needed, again forgetting that I didn’t lend her anything.

“It’s probably my neighbor,” I say, but my body is unable to move.

“Okay, shouldn’t you answer the door then?” Blaine asks gently. 

“Uhm… yes… Yes, of course!” I say, finally getting my feet to move.

When I open my door it’s not Mrs. Schultz standing outside. It’s Rafi. A smiling Rafi who throws himself into my arms and kisses me.

”Hi, babe. I missed you,” Rafi says while smiling brightly.

”Ehm… hi… W-what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Austin?” I say as guilt washes over me.

”We finished early, and I managed to get on an earlier flight home. Aren’t you happy to see me?” He asks a little disconcerted as he’s still standing in the hallway, and I’m blocking the doorway, probably looking as surprised and guilty as I am feeling.

I manage to gather myself and say, “yes, of course I am.” My mind is working frantically to try to find out how to handle the situation. Blaine is in my living room. How am I supposed to explain that? 

I move aside and Rafi walks past me, shrugs out of his jacket and hangs it on the coat rack. “I thought you would be at the office, so I went there first. It was really busy, but you obviously weren’t there. Cassandra told me you asked for the day off. Are you okay? Isn’t the deadline tomorrow?” He starts walking into my apartment, and I know that with just two more steps, he will see Blaine. I should try to stop him, try to come up with some kind of explanation before he takes those steps. But I’m frozen to the spot, suddenly numb, my mind trying to process what almost just happened, and now Rafi is here. If Rafi hadn’t showed up, I would have… We would have…

”Kurt?” Rafi stops dead in his tracks. ”What… why…?”

”Hi, you must be Rafi,” I hear Blaine say in a voice that sounds completely normal with no traces of panic or uncomfortableness.

”Hey… yes I am and you are…” It’s not a question, more like recognition. “Kurt? Why is Blaine Anderson in your living room…? Did I miss something?”

I’m still frozen to the spot where I’ve been standing since Rafi walked in. The feeling of guilt and being caught grounds me to this spot. I’m afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I open it.

”Kurt?” Rafi says again.

”Kurt and I are old friends,” Blaine says, and he says it with such ease, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And it is, of course it is.

”Why have you never told me you knew Blaine Anderson?” Rafi asks, turning to face me.

I don’t know how to answer that because there are so many different reasons why, but I can’t articulate anything that sounds plausible and won’t pin me in a more peculiar position than I’m already in.

But Blaine comes to my rescue again with his calm voice and unaffected tone. ”We haven’t seen each other in a very long time,” he says. ”We kind of drifted apart at one point in our life. But then we ran into each other recently and reconnected.”

He makes it sound so easy - so convincing - that this is actually what happened. And it sort of is. But it’s also so much more. I realize that Blaine is saving me, he’s giving me an easy way out of this when he could have made it so much more difficult for me. And that… that just makes me fall for him a little more. And it’s that realization that finally gets me moving from that spot.

”Yes,” I say as I take the few steps that distance me from Rafi. ”We knew each other in high school, back in Ohio.”

”Wow, that’s so cool!” Rafi says before he turns to Blaine again. “I really like your music.” 

“Thank you,” Blaine answers politely.

“Is it okay if I take a picture with you?” Rafi says and starts pulling out his phone from his back pocket. “And get your autograph.”

“ _Rafi!_ ” I say and Rafi looks at me with a face that says _What?_ “Blaine is here to hang out, not to have his picture taken.” I really don’t think Blaine will appreciate having his picture taken with Rafi.

“It’s okay, Kurt,” Blaine says sincerely and smiles at me, and it still surprises me that he is so calm with this situation. Maybe he’s just used to having fans walking up to him. But Rafi isn’t just any fan - Rafi is my boyfriend. Someone whom Blaine, if he still loves me the way he says he does, really shouldn’t be so nice to. 

I end up being the one taking the picture, and I can’t help thinking that this whole situation is bizarre. My ex-boyfriend, who wants me back, has his arm around my current boyfriend who has no idea that the guy standing next to him is not only my old friend, who is now a famous musician, but also my ex-boyfriend who wants me back, and whom I almost kissed twice in the last fifteen hours. And if I’m totally honest with myself, whom I _wanted_ to kiss. _And oh my God, what am I doing?_

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t post that though,” Blaine says to Rafi when I return his phone. “Or if you do, don’t mention where it was taken or how we met.” He runs a hand through his hair as he continues, a little embarrassed it appears. “Some of my more… dedicated fans have a little difficulty in respecting personal boundaries, and I don’t want to put Kurt through that.”

“Oh… of course… I won’t post it,” Rafi says, I think a bit disappointed. “I wouldn’t want to put Kurt through that either. I just want to show it to a few friends if that’s okay.”

“Sure, thank you,” Blaine says.

I didn’t think it was possible for Blaine to keep surprising me with sweet sentiments. But he does. He knows I’m a private person, and now he’s making sure I’m kept out of the spotlight. It shouldn’t surprise me considering he wants me back, but he could just as easily have done the exact opposite and think that making my presence in his life known would make it more difficult for me to resist him or to explain to Rafi how well we actually know each other.

Out of nowhere, words appear in my head, words spoken by Blaine years ago. _I will never let you down again, and I promise I will always do anything I can to keep you safe_. Is this him keeping his promise?

“I should probably go now,” Blaine says and runs his hands down his pants.

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Rafi says before I get the chance to say that it’s probably a good idea. “Not on my behalf.”

“You probably want to spend some time alone,” Blaine says. He tries to smile, but I can tell how much he wished he didn’t have to think that thought. 

Despite his calm exterior, it’s clear he has become unsettled by Rafi’s presence. As much as I would like him to stay, I know that the combination of the three of us in the same room is like a ticking time bomb.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” I say, which is a bit ridiculous as the door is only a few steps away. But I want a few seconds alone with him.

Blaine nods to me and then turns to Rafi. “Nice meeting you.”

“You too,” Rafi answers with a big grin.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he would show up,” I whisper when we’re standing by the door.

“I’m not going to deny I wanted to spend more time with you, but it is what it is,” Blaine says seconds before he pulls me into a tight hug. “Thanks for inviting me over. Talk to you later.”

I’m not sure if it’s a question or a just a goodbye phrase. Does he actually want to talk to me later today, or later this week? My answer comes out a little hesitantly. “Ehm… sure… of course, yeah.”

His hands linger a little on my biceps before he lets me go and walks out the door. I swallow hard and try to regain myself before I turn back to Rafi.

“I can’t believe you never told me you knew Blaine Anderson,” Rafi says, still starstruck.

“It was a long time ago. We haven’t really talked in five years, so it’s not like I know him anymore,” I say trying to compose myself. “You never told me you were such a big fan.”

“Come on, it’s Blaine Anderson. Everyone likes his music,” Rafi says unmoved. “I can’t believe he was just here…”

I sigh inwardly, but thank some higher power that Rafi has been too starstruck to notice the tension in me. I need time and space to process everything that just happened. I know I won’t get that as long as Rafi is here, but I can’t exactly kick him out. I am happy to see him - I am. It’s just his timing is a little… unfortunate. Or maybe it is just perfect because what would have happened if he hadn’t show up?

“I’m gonna take care of the dishes,” I say thinking that will at least give me a few minutes to think. But Rafi follows me into the kitchen.

“Why have you never mentioned that you’re friends with Blaine Anderson?” Rafi asks. There's curiousness in his voice now and maybe a little concern, too. He jumps up to sit on the counter next to me. Apparently he’s not so starstruck anymore, and his mind is catching up with him.

Okay, so _this_ conversation is happening now. I try to answer as calmly as I can, but inside everything is still upside down.

“I told you, I haven’t talked to him for years,” I say as I start cleaning plates and bowls and God what a mess I’ve made in the kitchen.

“How close were you?”

 _Oh God…_ I groan to myself. I take a deep breath and try to stay as close to the truth as possible. “We shared the same friends. We were a group of seven friends that spent quite a lot of time together.”

“Then you knew each other well,” Rafi says. He sounds surprised, and not entirely the good kind of surprised. As he continues his voice shifts in to sounding a bit suspicious. “Did something happen? Since you haven’t talked for years, I mean.”

I hear Elliot’s words echoing in my head, and even if that almost kiss still feels too present in my mind for me to be having this conversation with Rafi, I know I have to. Telling him who Blaine is to me shouldn’t be that hard. It’s the rest that’s difficult.

“Blaine was my first boyfriend,” I say.

“Okay…” Rafi says, and I watch his face becoming paler. “Why didn’t you just say that?”

“I don’t know… It was such a long time ago. I guess I didn’t think it mattered.”

Rafi remains silent for a while. I focus my attention on the mess in my sink, cleaning and rinsing, hoping Rafi won’t ask me any more questions.

“When did you _reconnect_ with him again?” The way he says it makes it sound like he doesn’t quite believe it’s been only reconnecting.

“I randomly ran into him at a pub a few weeks ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about it then?”

“Do you tell me every time you run into an ex? Because that’s information that I don’t think I need.”

I shut my eyes. Defense is so not the best tactic here. I just don’t like where this conversation is heading. 

Rafi seems to ignore my comment. “So, what, you just decided to start hanging out in your living room? How many times have you seen him?”

It’s clear that Rafi doesn’t like this, that he’s suspicious. I should have told him about Blaine from the beginning. Hiding his presence in my life is suspicious. But I still don’t know what I want, and I can’t give him any answers.

“We were friends for a long time before we were boyfriends, but then we drifted apart, and it was just fun to see him and catch up. We’ve met for coffee once before this weekend. I’m sorry, I should have told you.”

Rafi takes in my words, processes them before he continues. “Do I have to worry about him being in your life?” Rafi asks in a small voice.

I feel like screaming _I don’t know!_ The attraction is still there. The two almost kisses is proof of that. I’m drawn to him in a way that I can’t explain. But his life is nothing like mine, nothing like the way I want to live my life. He has so many issues he needs to deal with, and even though I want to help him, I’m not sure being his boyfriend is the best thing for either of us right now. And the way we ended things, with no contact, with him refusing to talk to me - how do I know that won’t happen again? 

But it’s Blaine... and that makes what should be an easy decision a million times more complicated.

With Rafi my life would be so much easier. There would be nothing that’d be complicated.

I turn off the water and drop the dish brush into the sink. I take the few steps that separates us and place my hands on his legs. “I’m with you, Rafi. That’s all you have to think about. Besides, Blaine knows you’re my boyfriend.”

Rafi frowns. “What does that mean, he knows I’m your boyfriend? Does he want you back?”

I mentally curse myself. _Why don’t I know when to stop talking?_ “It doesn’t matter what he wants.”

“So that’s a yes then,” Rafi says. I nod, because there’s no point in denying it. “How do you feel about him?”

Rafi looks straight at me and even though I don’t want Rafi to worry, I can’t keep lying to him. “I don’t know…” I say. “Things didn’t end well between us, and so much has happened since, and…I don’t know…”

I feel Rafi stiffen under my touch. I can only imagine what’s going on inside his head.

“You know I love you, right?” Rafi says. He doesn’t seem mad, which surprises me. He takes my hands in his and laces our fingers together. 

He has never told me he loves me before. _Why does he have to say it now??_ “Rafi, I…” I don’t know what to say.

“You make me really happy, Kurt. I think that we’re good together.”

“We are,” I say. 

“I don’t know him, but his life must be super busy. He’s famous, Kurt. Will he have time for you? You know I will always make time for you, Kurt. You’re my…” Rafi seems to lose his words, too. He takes a deep breath. “I just love you so much.” 

I feel so bad. His feelings for me are so strong. I don’t know if mine are. I like him a lot, but I don’t know if I love him. I look down at our twined fingers, unable to look him in the eyes.

“What do you want to do?” Rafi asks.

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for a long time now. But there’s still no answer.

“I think I want to be alone today. I think I need some time to think.”

“Okay…” Rafi hesitates. “I’m not going to give up on us. I can make you really happy, Kurt… if you let me.”

I squeeze his hands. I want to be happy. Maybe I want to be happy with him, but I don’t know if I’ll ever to be able to take Blaine out of the equation.

Rafi leans in to kiss me, and even though it doesn’t feel completely right, I let him.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Rafi says before he jumps down from the counter, and we say goodbye.

I sit down on one of the chairs by my table. _What am I doing?_ Telling Rafi about Blaine was the right thing to do, but it feels so surreal. This whole day feels surreal. I look around the room, see the mess in the kitchen from when I made Blaine breakfast, see the bed where I almost kissed him. I hear Rafi telling me he loves me, that he’s not giving up on us. Suddenly it feels as though the walls are closing in on me. I can’t stay here, I can’t make heads or tails surrounded by images of Blaine and Rafi. Images that are all I see when I look around my apartment.

I take the subway to Central Park, walk along paths, over fields of grass, and around lakes. I walk for hours. I watch people walk their dogs, kids running around, couples laying on blankets enjoying the last lingering sunlight. 

I think about Blaine telling me about his life away from me, about his drinking and hook-ups to forget. Forget me. A part of me feels guilty, that it’s my fault that he ended up living that life. Maybe I could have done more. I could have come back. I could have gone looking for him, forcing him to talk to me. 

I feel like I failed him. But I can see him now. I can be there for him now. I want to as _friends_. But it’s not only that. The attraction is still there as is the thrill. But can I trust us not to make the same mistakes again?

My heart was his for a long time after we separated. With one call or one breath of my name, I would have been his again. He never stopped loving me, and if I’m honest, I never stopped loving him either. But still we couldn’t find a way to talk to each other, to be together even if that was what we both wanted.

Now I feel as if everything is moving too fast. Too much has happened in the past twenty four hours. If it weren’t for different circumstances, I would have kissed Blaine. Because I wanted to. I was picturing a future with Blaine. I wanted that life. 

Then Rafi showed up. Sweet, beautiful Rafi who loves me and brought happiness into my life again. How can I think about giving that up for a life filled with insecurities with Blaine? Blaine who has this dark side to him that I try to be mature about, but that scares me. 

All these thoughts and not knowing what to do are stressing me out. Thinking isn’t helping, and spending time with Blaine isn’t helping either. How am I ever going to figure this out? 

When the sun is setting, I buy myself a coffee and sit down on a bench. I take out my phone to check the time and notice a text from Blaine.

**Blaine**  
**I don’t want to disturb your evening with Rafi, but I just wanted to thank you for listening to me today. I think I really needed to put all that into words, for my own sake.**

I can’t help the smile spreading across my lips, or the little skip my heart does. Because it’s Blaine, and no matter how messed up things are, he will always have this effect on me.

**Kurt**  
**That’s what friends are for right. I think I needed to hear about it too. And I meant what I said, you can call me whenever you feel like drinking for all the wrong reasons. I’m not with Rafi right now, so you’re not disturbing.**

No matter how we will end up, I will never let him down again.

**Blaine**  
**I will, I promise. Actually I’m trying really hard not to think about how much I would like to drink right now…**

**Kurt**  
**Did something happen?**

**Blaine**  
**I’m gonna go for total honesty here. We can do that right, now that we are friends?**

Honesty is good. Although I’m a little scared now I have to admit.

**Kurt**  
**Yes, I want us to be honest.**

**Blaine**  
**I enjoyed spending the day with you today, even if our talk got heavy. You know how I feel about you, and I thought we were making some kind of progress. Then Rafi showed up… and now I feel like drinking.**

Fuck… By progress he must mean… Oh God, I’m leading him on. And I’m sending him mixed signals. I tell him it’s too late, and then I’m two seconds away from kissing him. I tell him I need more time, and then I almost kiss him again.

**Kurt**  
**I’m sorry…**

**Blaine**  
**No, it’s not your fault he showed up to surprise you. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, you’ve been honest from the beginning about him.**

Okay, that’s not what I was sorry about, but maybe it’s for the better if he thinks that.

**Blaine**  
**It just gets hard sometimes.**

**Kurt**  
**I know things aren’t the way you want them to be, but I’m glad that you’re not drinking right now. You know it won’t make your problems go away. I wish there was something I could say, answers that I could give you, to make you feel better.**

**Blaine**  
**This is actually helping, texting with you. It makes it easier to keep focus.**

**Kurt**  
**Okay, that’s good. Do you want to call instead?**

**Blaine**  
**No… There’s something I want to ask you, and I don’t think I’m brave enough to do that if I’m actually talking to you…**

I’m sensing it will be something I don’t want to answer, especially not today. Hasn’t there been enough drama and revelations today? I don’t think I can handle anything more. 

**Kurt**  
**Maybe you should wait until you are brave enough**

**Blaine**  
**Maybe it’s more that I don’t think I will get an honest answer if we talk…**

**Kurt**  
**What do you mean by that?**

Several minutes pass where I don’t get any reply from him. I start to wonder if he just gave up and decided to wait after all, but then my phone buzzes again.

**Blaine**  
**There are some things I’ve been thinking about today after I left… I felt like there was a moment yesterday when you maybe wanted to kiss me or for me to kiss you. After the dance. Then you told me that it’s not easy for you either, that you needed some more time. I felt like there was another moment today, where you wanted to kiss me. Then Rafi showed up, and it was obvious that you hadn’t told him about me. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t mean anything to you (but I don’t think that’s the case), or if I actually means more to you than you want to admit. I might be way out of line and read this all wrong. The thing is, I don’t think that I am. Tell me, honestly, am I wrong?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted on Wednesday as I'm traveling on Thursday.  
> All my hugs to Roxymusicandlayers for all the time you spend making this story presentable! (and also for always putting a smile to my face :) )


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a little earlier than usual :)

**Blaine, Thursday September 14th 2017, 4.14 pm**

**_Kurt_ **  
**_In complete honesty, I need more time to figure things out before I answer that_ **

I’ve been staring at Kurt’s text several times these past few days. It gives me hope. At least it gives me enough hope to not give up on hoping. Hoping that maybe someday Kurt and I will find our way back again. 

Okay, so he didn’t confirm my suspicions, but he didn’t deny them either. And that’s enough to keep a rare, but now, constant smile on my face. It’s enough to keep me from wanting to drink. I’ve only had one beer since I left his apartment on Sunday. 

I have to admit that it was more than a little tempting to stop by the Flying Duck on my way home, especially after having met Rafi. It was hard leaving them there together, but staying was not an option. 

The only thing that kept me from walking into the Flying Duck was the horror in Kurt’s eyes when I told him about my life, and the sad look on his face when he said he wanted to help me. I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be someone better. So instead I turned around and walked back home. Home to an empty apartment, which didn’t exactly help with the increasing anxiety I was feeling. It was very tempting to turn to the bottles on my shelf. I even opened the cabinet and grabbed one bottle. But then I thought about the moment we shared after he said _You’re making it really hard for me to resist you…_ It felt like we had reached some kind of turning point, and maybe we would have kissed if there hadn’t been that knock on the door. I know I wanted to.

It was enough for me to put the bottle back and close the cabinet door again. I took care of the built up nervous energy in my gym instead. One of the rooms in my apartment has been turned into a gym. I don’t like to go to public gyms, or even private ones. I prefer to work out on my own, in my own space without having to worry about other people. The punching bag got what it deserved that afternoon, and afterwards I did feel calmer.

After a while though, I started to become restless. Spending too much time alone in my apartment usually has that effect on me, and with my thoughts going to Kurt and Rafi, and what they were doing, it was more pronounced than normal. I didn’t feel like calling Jeff or Seb, especially not after Seb showed up at the club, so those bottles became increasingly tempting again. I distracted myself with making dinner. Cooking is not something I usually do, but I needed to keep myself busy with something, and I was hungry so, you know, two birds.

Then I tried to distract myself with Netflix, but that only worked for like an hour. I pulled out my guitar and my notebook, but I couldn’t really focus on writing music either. All I could think about was Kurt and Rafi, alone together. The images coming into my head was not something I wanted to think about, so I sent that text, hoping that I would actually disturb something. But Kurt wasn’t with Rafi, and I could relax enough to not feel the need to drink again.

If Kurt wasn’t with Rafi, maybe that meant something. Maybe he was thinking about me and the fact that we almost kissed again. That thought gave me courage to send that text.

Today I’m in the studio, working on some songs with my team. We’re trying out different sounds to my new material, adding different instruments and backup vocals. For the first time in years, I actually feel happy being here, making new music again. The last two years, it has felt like a tedious chore, something I had to do because my contract stated it. But this time I’m actually enjoying it. 

It’s all because of Kurt. Kurt who just needs time to figure things out. Kurt who hasn’t denied that he wants to kiss me. Kurt who’s been texting me goodnight every night.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jeff asks suspiciously when we’re taking a short break and are chilling on the couches in the studio. One of my new songs is playing over the speaker system. It’s always a strange feeling hearing them with added music for the first time. I’ve only played them on my guitar at home, but now they are being made into what they will end up sounding like.

“What?” I ask and shrug while still smiling.

“You’re happy. You’re writing happy music. You’re never happy. Ergo, what’s wrong?” Jeff continues.

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just…”

“Happy?” Jeff supplies. 

“Yes,” I answer, feeling my smile grow even wider.

“There’s definitely something strange going on. Tell me.”

“There’s nothing going on. I just feel at peace with myself right now. I haven’t had a drink since Saturday. I’ve been working out, and I just feel-“

“Happy,” Jeff fills in again. “I don’t get it.”

I don’t want to tell him about Kurt yet. My contract states that I can’t have a boyfriend that isn’t preapproved by my management team, and I don’t know how Jeff would feel about me reconnecting with Kurt. I know nothing has happened between us, that he’s still indecisive, and that there’s nothing to tell really. I also know that management prefers I stay single, and I think Jeff will understand that if I start seeing Kurt, it will be forever. And I just don’t know how that will be perceived. That’s why I prefer to keep it a secret until I know if it will actually become something. I don’t want to give them the opportunity to avert it before it becomes reality.

“Are you high on something?” The worried tone in his voice is evident.

“You know I don't do drugs, Jeff.”

“Then I still don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?” 

I look up and see Sebastian standing in the doorway. Great…

“He’s so damn happy lately,” Jeff says and points at me. “It’s not normal.”

Sebastian slumps down on the couch next to me. “Well, that’s a nice change,” he says and pats my knee. “And about time. The brooding was getting kind of old.”

“Thank you,” I say unsure if he’s serious or just ironic.

“It’s just a complete one-eighty from the sullen guy I’ve known for the past five years,” Jeff continues. “It just feels like something happened, something you’re not telling me about.”

“Let him be,” Sebastian says. “At least he’s finally writing some good music.”

“ _Hey!_ ” I say and punch him on the arm.

“What?” Sebastian laughs. “It’s true. Your old songs are so depressing and repetitive. This however,” he says while gesturing at the music coming out of the speakers, “feels new and unexpected. I like it.”

“Okay, I have to agree with you there. I also like this unexpected turn,” Jeff admits.

It strikes me then that Sebastian could have mentioned that he saw me with Kurt last weekend. If he had, Jeff would have been all over me about it, but he hasn’t brought up Kurt. I don't understand why, but then again I never really understand Sebastian or why he does the things he does. I’m guessing there’s some kind of hidden motive though - there always is with Sebastian.

“See, you both like it, so stop complaining about my good mood,” I say, still smiling. “Let me be happy.”

“It’s still strange…” Jeff mutters, but then the topic is dropped. A few minutes later, Jeff’s phone rings and he leaves the room.

I take the opportunity to find out why Sebastian hasn’t said anything to Jeff about Kurt.

“Is there a reason why you haven’t mentioned running into me and Kurt to Jeff?”

“Did you want me to?” He asks innocently.

“No, but it’s not like you to keep your mouth shut about something like that.”

“Despite what you might think of me, I can be a nice guy if I want to.”

“And why would you want to be nice about this?”

“I’m a little bit offended that you think I must have a reason to be nice to you.”

“Don’t you always?”

“I’m your friend Blaine, isn’t that reason enough?” Sebastian says, and he actually sounds genuinely offended.

“Okay, sorry. It’s just you normally love spreading gossip, it’s what you live for. So I’m surprised you haven’t taken the opportunity to tell this news to everyone, that’s all.”

Something shifts in Sebastian, and he looks at me with sudden sincerity. “I saw what it did to you, when you two broke up. I was there when you drank yourself senseless every opportunity you had, remember. And even if you don’t like talking about it, I know how much you have missed him every single day since. But now you’re smiling again, and if Kurt is the one who’s putting that smile back on your face, then I’m all for it, and who am I to interfere. I like seeing you happy, Blaine, you deserve it.”

I look at him with surprise. “Thank you, Seb.”

“I mean, if you wanted Jeff to know you would have told him yourself, but since you don’t appear to have told him, I guess you must have a reason for that.”

“I just want to see where things end up before I say something. It’s not like Kurt is my boyfriend, so I don’t have to tell Jeff anything.”

“Why isn’t he your boyfriend? What are you waiting for?” Seb asks, nudging me in my stomach with his elbow.

“He already has a boyfriend,” I tell him.

“Ouch,” Sebastian says, making a face. “Why are you so happy then?”

“Because it’s Kurt, you know, and I didn’t expect to ever see him again. Right now, we’re just trying to reconnect and to become friends.”

“And you’re happy with being “just friends”? You don’t want more?”

“Of course, I do. God, I want that more than anything, and Kurt knows that,” I say and throw my head back to rest on the top of the couch.

“But he’s still with this boyfriend?”

“Yes. For now,” I say staring up at the ceiling.

“For now?” Sebastian asks intrigued.

“I think he maybe wants me, too, but he’s torn. He says he needs time to figure things out, so I’m gonna give him time.”

Even if Kurt needs time to sort his head out, we’re still texting a lot. It’s fun. It’s like those thrilling first weeks when you fall in love and don’t really know what’s going to happen. It can go either way, but still there are butterflies and a smile that won’t go away.

“Ooh, this is exciting. Promise me, you’ll tell me when you’re making progress.”

“As long as you promise me that you continue to keep quiet about it.”

“Deal,” Sebastian says and stands up. “I think I need a drink now, are you coming?”

“Nope, I’m trying to cut back.”

“Drinking?” Sebastian says as if that’s the strangest thing he’s heard this year, and when I nod he continues with a frown. “Why?”

“I think I’ve been drinking enough to last me for the next decade or so.” When Sebastian’s frown becomes even bigger, I say with a laugh, “I’m trying to be a better person, okay, a better me.”

I do want to change. I haven’t enjoyed life in so long, and even if Kurt and I never find a way back together, reconnecting with him has made me realize that life is about living here and now, not in the past. Drinking and sleeping around doesn’t solve anything, doesn’t take the pain away, it only adds to it.

“A boring you.” Sebastian says, but then he shrugs. “I’ll guess I can find someone else who’s willing to drink with me. See ya.” And then he turns around and leaves. “Don’t forget to keep me posted,” he calls over his shoulder, and then he’s gone.

I pull out my phone deciding to go through Twitter and answer a few comments. I don’t do this nearly enough (or at least that’s what Jeff keeps telling me). Today I feel happy, so it’s a good day to do this. Also it has been a while since I was active on Twitter, and I find myself feeling intrigued to find out what they are writing about me now. There hasn’t been much news since the tour ended. 

I find the picture of me with Mina and Ellie taken a few weeks back and am happy to see that there aren’t any comments about Kurt (although I guess Jeff would have mentioned that if there were any).

After answering a few comments, I promise myself to do this more often. My fans are who got me where I am today, and I should do more to thank them. I take a picture of myself with the studio equipment in the background and tweet it with the accompanying text: _Back in the studio with new music. Who’s excited??_ It only takes a few seconds before the comments starts coming in.

-x-x-

**Blaine, Sunday September 17th 2017, 1.48 am**

An annoying sound wakes me up from the most beautiful dream, where Kurt and I were holding hands, walking through Central Park together. It takes me a few seconds to understand what that annoying sound is, but when I do, I fumble for the phone on my nightstand.

“…Hello…” I say, my voice still raspy from sleep.

”Hey my beautiful, beautiful, Blaine,” someone suspiciously sounding a lot like Kurt slurs happily but drunkenly into my ear.

I take the phone from my ear to see who it is that’s calling. The caller ID says Kurt, but I’ve never heard Kurt drunk before. I’ve never seen him drunk either because the Kurt I knew didn’t drink.

”Kurt?” I ask, still not entirely awake to process.

”Do you know how fucking beautiful you are? You are very beautiful, Blaine. Your hair is beautiful, your eyes are beautiful, your…”

”Are you okay, Kurt? Are you drunk?” I ask, starting to worry about him.

”Yes, I am, and it's fucking beautiful!” Kurt exclaims happily and loudly.

I’ve never heard him like this, and I don’t like it. ”Are you alone? Do you need me to come somewhere and pick you up?” I say and sit up, ready to get dressed and find him wherever he is, and bring him home to safety.

”No, no, no, no, no… No. I’m not alone. Finn is here. My brother is here! He’s making out with Rachel. Isn’t that great!” Kurt sounds deliriously happy. “And Santana is making out with Brittany, and I’m sure Ali is making out with someone somewhere, too. I just can’t remember his name. What was it now? Mike? No… Mark? Clark? Kent? Keith-” 

I can hear Kurt’s mind trail off, and that he’s getting lost in his own trail of thought, so I cut in before he gets even more lost. ”Okay, Kurt. Are you sure you’re okay?”

”Yes, yes, yes, I’m fine, I’m great! I’m marvelous!” And he’s back to being deliriously happy again.

”Okay, good. Any reason you are calling me in the middle of the night?” I ask and lie back down again, slightly relieved that he’s with friends and not alone somewhere.

”Didn’t you hear me? Everyone is making out with someone, and I’m… I’m… lonely. I’m lonely, Blaine,” Kurt says, suddenly sounding very sad.

”Isn’t Rafi there with you?” I hate to ask that question, but I kind of have to know.

”Ppf… I don’t know where he is. I don’t think he was invited?” Kurt says, making it sound like a question as if he’s not sure. “Do you want to make out with me, Blaine?”

His question throws me off guard. The obvious answer is _yes!_ , but he is extremely drunk, so he probably doesn’t even know what he is saying. ”I don’t think-”

”I just wanna kiss you, Blaine.” Kurt says sounding desperate. “You have such beautiful lips. Did I say that before? You are so beautiful, Blaine.” His emotions are all over the place. I guess alcohol has that effect on him.

”Okay, I don’t think that’s a good idea, Kurt.” I say with a chuckle, trying not to let on how much his words are affecting me. Because they are. After all, it’s what I’ve been wanting to hear him say for so long. But he is drunk, and I can’t take him seriously.

”Why not?” Kurt asks confused.

“Because of Rafi.”

“Don’t you want to? Kiss me?” Kurt asks, seemingly ignoring my previous answer.

”You know I do, but you are drunk, and you have a boyfriend.” I can confess that much because it’s not really a secret. Besides, he won’t remember it tomorrow. 

”Why do I have a boyfriend? Why aren’t you my boyfriend?” It sounds as if he means it, but I know I can’t let myself believe it.

”Okay, I think we should hang up now before you say anything more that you will regret tomorrow.”

”What’s to regret? The only thing I regret is not kissing you. Why did we never kiss? You’re such a good kisser, Blaine. Your lips are like clouds, all soft and fluffy.” Kurt keeps rambling, and it’s becoming increasingly hard to ignore my desire to go and find him and just kiss him like he says he wants me to. But I can’t. No matter how much him repeating my very own words from after our first kiss attacks my heart, I can’t.

I would love to hear him say those words to me under different circumstances. I want to believe that he means what he’s saying. I want so bad for it to be the truth. But I should probably end this before it gets more out of hand. Before I start to let myself believe.

”You don’t really mean that, and you’re too drunk to know what you are saying. I’m hanging up now, okay?”

”No, I do mean it. I think… Oh God, can you make the room stop spinning?” All happiness is gone from his voice, and now he just sounds like he’s feeling really bad.

”Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask for the umpteenth time tonight.

”I think I’m gonna throw up.”

The line is disconnected. I try calling him a few times, but there’s no answer. I don’t have any of his friend’s numbers, so I can’t call them to make sure he’s okay. I take a little comfort in that he isn’t alone, and that his friends will hopefully help him. I send him a quick text without any hope of a reply.

**Blaine**  
**I hope you are okay. Please call me when you see this.**

It takes a while before I can fall back to sleep. Too many thoughts of what Kurt just said are spinning around in my head for me to able to sleep. Is he okay? Is he throwing up? Is he really out with his friends? Are they helping him? Did he mean any of the things he said? 

It’s mainly the last thought that keeps me awake.


	49. Chapter 49

**Kurt, Monday September 18th 2017, 6.37 pm**

“Come on, Rachel, spill it,” I say as I sit back and turn my attention to her.

“Spill what?” Rachel asks, pretending not to know what I mean.

I’m having dinner with Rachel, Santana and Ali at their apartment. It’s the first time I’ve seen them since we went to that party at one of Santana’s co-workers. Yesterday was spent in bed, nursing my hangover. It had been one hell of a party, and I know I overindulged in the alcohol section, but it was just one of those nights where I wanted to let loose and not give a damn. I wanted to forget all about feelings and thoughts and impending decisions - all that was weighing me down. 

It’s kind of ironic I wanted to get drunk, since I told Blaine that alcohol isn’t the solution to dealing with your problems. Yet that was what I was doing. 

“About you and Finn,” I supply. “I know he didn’t sleep in my apartment after the party.”

Finn came to visit me over the weekend, but I think it was just a pretext to see Rachel. There has been something going on between them for years, but then Rachel started dating Brody, and whatever it was, it had faded into the background. Now that Rachel and Brody have broken up, I think Finn saw his chance, and that’s why he so suddenly decided to come and visit me.

“I can tell you what happened,” Santana enlightens me as she starts to clear the table. “Even though I was drunk, and Brittany was with me, there was no mistake what was going on in that room,” she says and tilts her head towards Rachel’s bedroom.

“Shut up, Santana!” Rachel is quick to say as she shoots Santana a death glare. 

“Oh, come on, Rachel. Don't start acting like you’re a prude. You’re a good actor, but not that good,” Santana replies and glares back at Rachel.

“Wait, what did I miss?” Ali asks.

Rachel ignores Ali and turns her focus back to Santana instead. “It’s his brother, he doesn’t need to know this.”

“Like I care that you slept with my brother. It’s long overdue. I’ve been waiting for this to happen for years,” I tell her.

“ _You have?_ ” Rachel says with an unsure smile on her face. “You’re not bothered by it?”

“Why would I be? I love you, and I love Finn, and if you’re happy, I’m happy,” I reassure her and start helping Santana collecting all the plates and carry them to the sink.

“Oh thank God! Because that night was… wow! Your brother is truly amazing.”

“Oh, yeah that was pretty obvious for me and all of our neighbors. _Oh yes Finn, right there Finn, Oh my God, Finn!_ ” Santana says in a mocking voice imitating Rachel’s.

“Santana!” Rachel screams with flushing cheeks and embarrassment written all over her face. “Shut up! I do not sound like that!”

Santana continues to impersonate Rachel and the sounds she made while spending the night with Finn. Rachel quickly gets up from her chair and starts chasing Santana around the living room to get her to shut up. Something that only seems to spur Santana on.

Eventually Rachel manages to catch Santana and put a hand over her mouth. But by then Santana is laughing so hard that I don’t know how much of what she just said is true and how much she made up just to spite Rachel.

“How come this is the first time I’ve heard anything about this?” Ali asks, looking confused and disappointed as she leans her elbows on the table and rests her head in her hands while pouting.

“Maybe because you haven’t been home all weekend?” Rachel supplies, more than happy to shift focus from herself.

“Oh, and where have you been?” I ask intrigued. I have faint memories of her making out with someone at the party, but I don’t seem to remember his name.

“With Kevin,” Ali answers as if there’s nothing out of the ordinary with that.

“Kevin? The accountant?” Santana asks after having pried Rachel’s hand off of her mouth.

“I don’t know what he does at work,” Ali continues with her nonchalant tone. 

“A tall, blonde guy, kind of a surfer type?” Santana says while breaking free from Rachel’s grasp. Rachel lets her go, relieved that Santana has found interest elsewhere. 

“That sounds like him,” Ali says.

“He’s our accountant!”

“If you say so. It never really came up in conversation. We were busy with… other things.”

“ _Ali!_ ” I say scandalized, although I don’t know why. It’s not like it’s the first time Ali spends the night with someone and forgets to ask all of the normal questions.

“Come on! I’m single. I can do whatever I want as long as I’m not hurting anyone.”

“Was he good?” Santana asks and sits down next to Ali again, leaning in conspiratorially. “Is it true what they say about big feet? His shoes are huge!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be a lesbian?” Ali asks teasingly.

“Oh, I am, trust me,” Santana says flipping her hair. “That does not mean, however, that I don’t appreciate hearing about my girl’s man sex.”

“I have to say I agree, even though I am gay. Or maybe because I am gay?” I say, leaning back against the kitchen counter.

“Yes, it’s true,” Ali says and a big smile is spreading across her face. “And it came to good use yesterday. Several times,” she adds proudly.

“Way to go, girl!” Santana says and high-fives Ali.

“How about you, Kurt?” Ali says. “Since we’re all sharing sex-stories from this weekend.”

“What about Santana?” I say trying to avoid the question.

“We all know Santana has lots of sex with Brittany all the time - that’s not really something new. It’s more like we have to pay her to shut up about it,” Ali says.

“Feel free to pay me anytime,” Santana chimes in, but Ali ignores her as her focus remains on me.

“Why didn’t you bring Rafi to the party?” Ali asks.

“I wanted to spend time with Finn.” 

I try to sound casual, but it comes out more defensively. I did want to spend time with Finn - that isn’t a lie - but I might also have used it as an excuse to not have to spend time with Rafi. I’ve told him I needed more time to think, and though he’s not happy about it, he is giving me space.

I’ve been avoiding spending time with Blaine, too. Since last week when I almost kissed him twice and told him that I needed more time, it has been really hard not to think about him, but I know I can’t think straight with him around. We have still kept in touch, there have been a lot of texts and some calls. And, of course, that drunken call I made on Saturday. I still don’t know what I said to him, and Blaine refuses to tell me. Instead he keeps teasing me, wondering who’s the one with a drinking problem.

“By getting plastered?” Ali asks with a raised eyebrow.

“That was after he started sucking face with Rachel,” I say.

“Hey, don’t put the blame on me,” Rachel rebuts.

“So you spent the night drinking instead of being with your boyfriend? You don’t drink like that, Kurt,” Ali says sounding skeptical.

“You were off with that accountant guy, and Santana and Brittany were doing their thing. What was I supposed to do?” This time I’m defensive by purpose. I know where she’s going with this, and I hate her for knowing me so well. 

“Uh-huh…” is all Ali says. For now. She gives me a look that tells me she knows why I did it. She knows I had a coffee date with Blaine last weekend, but she doesn’t know it turned into a night out instead, or that we met the next day. I’ve needed to process this on my own. I know what she thinks about him, and discussing with her won’t help me. She has a whole list of reasons why it’s a bad idea for me to be spending time getting to know him again. Now I think she’s figuring out my reasons for getting drunk and not inviting Rafi.

“Wait…” Santana says suspiciously. “There’s something I’m missing here... Are you cheating on Rafi?”

“No!” I exclaim. “No, why would I do that? Why would you even think that?”

“I can see it in Ali’s expression that there’s something going on that she doesn’t like, and since she was asking about Rafi… Wait!” Santana says as if something suddenly dawned on her. “Has this something to do with Blaine Anderson?”

_How does she always do that?_ She has this spooky sixth sense that always figures out the things you’re trying to hide.

“Why would Blaine have anything to do with anything?” We were having so fun tonight, and I don’t want to start talking about Blaine and Rafi. I want to try to delude her from the subject. But I doubt it will work. It hardly ever does. Spooky sixth sense and all.

“You have been kind of different ever since he came up to us at that pub,” Santana says, contemplating. “Something has changed in you…”

“I have barely met you since. How can you draw that conclusion?” I ask, turning around to take care of the dishes, anything to avoid meeting her inquiring gaze.

“You’re not denying it,” Santana says.

I ignore her comment because I don’t want to lie to her.

“Kurt?” Rachel says softly, but I ignore her, too. “Kurt, is there something going on between you and Blaine?”

I turn off the faucet and sigh. I know there’s no way of escaping this conversation. I turn around slowly, the dish brush still in my hand. _Why am I always being questioned while doing the dishes?_

“No. There’s nothing going on between me and Blaine,” I say trying to sound calm all while my heart is beating fast. “I’ve hung out with him a few times, and that’s all.”

I have three pair of eyes staring at me. One pair is soft and understanding, another is intrigued, but the third pair is cold. They’re all waiting for me to continue.

I decide to tell them the truth. They’re my friends, and I don’t really know why I’ve been hiding this from them. It’s just I know what Ali thinks about Blaine, and I don’t want to argue with her. But I could really use some advice because I’m getting nowhere on my own. 

“He told me he wants me back.” 

There’s a surprised gasp from Rachel and an even more intrigued look from Santana. Ali’s face is still stern and unreadable. “And there’s some part of me that wants to be with him, too. But then there’s this other part that can’t really forget how we parted, and what’s happened in the years that we’ve been apart. And then there’s Rafi, too, and I don’t want to hurt him because he doesn’t deserve that. So yeah, I didn’t invite him to the party because right now I can’t be around either him or Blaine because I’m scared I might do or say something I will regret. And I know what you think about Blaine, so you can spare me those comments,” I add pointing the brush towards Ali.

Ali looks offended, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead it’s Santana who opens her mouth first.

“Lady Hummel, you seem to have gotten yourself into quite the situation.”

“I know…” I sigh. I drop the brush back into the sink and sit down on the floor with my back against a cabinet.

“Do you love him?” Rachel asks.

“What?” I ask and look up at her confused.

“Blaine. Do you still love him?”

“I don’t know. Yes? Maybe?” I answer evasively because that’s the part I can’t quite figure out. _Do I love him or is it just the memory of what we were?_

“Then maybe you should give it a chance?” Rachel says. “We all know how miserable you were your first year here. Maybe this is your chance to be happy again.”

“How can you say that?” Ali says, unable to hold her tongue anymore. “He ignores Kurt for five years, ignores all his attempts to contact him, I mean what kind of person does that? And now he shows up out of nowhere and expects Kurt to just forgive him and take him back? Of course Kurt is not considering that.”

“Okay, thank you, but I can speak for myself,” I tell her dryly. “And no, he does not expect me to just forgive him and take him back. We’ve had long conversations about what happened back then, and we know that we both did things we wished we could have done differently. But it’s in the past, and we can’t change it. We just have to live with it and find a way to move forward. As friends or… something else.”

My words seem to quiet Ali, at least for now. Instead Santana takes the stage.

“I can see the attraction,” she says. “He is extremely attractive, for a guy, and he is a famous singer with probably a lot of cash. I would say go for it if it wasn’t for the fact that I really like Rafi.”

“The fact that he is famous has nothing to do with it, if anything it’s one of the things that makes me hesitate. As for the money, I have no idea, and I don’t care. But yes, Rafi is a good guy, and if he weren’t, then this would all be so much easier. It’s just… it’s _Blaine_. I don’t expect any of you to understand what that means. But we were best friends for nine years before we became boyfriends. He knows me, and he gets me. And yes, he made mistakes, but so did I and…argh! This is so fucking messed up!” I get up from the floor and run for the bathroom because I can’t hold the tears back anymore.

When I’m out of the kitchen I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I take it out and see a text from Blaine.

**Blaine**   
**Can I ask you a question? It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.**

A warm feeling spreads in my chest. This is the kind of thing we’ve been doing much of in the past few days - hanging out via texts. I have no idea what he’s about to ask, but I still feel myself getting calmer. 

**Kurt**   
**Is this another one of those questions where you think you will get an honest answer only by text**

Instead of heading to the bathroom, I step inside my old room. It’s now used for storage since they decided not to rent it to someone else. Boxes and shelves filled with various belongings that aren’t needed at the moment are lined up against the wall. In the middle, my old rug is still on the floor. It’s a big, round, red rug that didn’t fit into my new apartment, so I left it here. 

**Blaine**   
**Maybe**

**Kurt**   
**Okay, what do you want to ask?**

I lie down on the rug, not caring about getting my clothes or hair filled with the dust that is inevitably living on it, and look up at the ceiling. I run my fingers through its softness. I used to love this rug, loved the feel of it against my bare feet in the morning. Sometimes I would lie down on it, just like I’m doing now, with a pillow and a blanket just because it felt so nice against my skin. It reminded me of a rug my mom and I used to sit and play on when I was younger, and it used to give me comfort when I missed her. Or when I missed Blaine.

Tonight there’s no blanket or pillow, but I still enjoy the feeling of the rug against my fingers. And it still brings me a sense of comfort that I desperately need right now. Everything is truly messed up, and I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just give up and tell them both to leave me alone. _How am I ever going to choose?_ I don’t think the choice would have been so difficult if I knew I could trust Blaine not to hurt me again. I’ve only been dating Rafi for three months, but I’ve known Blaine for more than half of my life.

**Blaine**   
**Do you remember that time when we were talking about what happened back when we broke up? You said that I didn’t give you a chance to take back your decision about not believing in long distance. Did you change your mind about that?**

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I don’t know what good will come out of this - it’s all in the past. It doesn’t change anything now.

**Kurt**   
**Maybe**

I hear her walking in, but I keep my eyes on the ceiling. She lies down next to me, and when I glance over at her in the corner of my eye, I see that her eyes are also trained on the ceiling. I have nothing nice to say to her right now, so I wait for her to speak first. Before she starts talking I get another text from Blaine. I smile a little at his answer because he’s trying (and succeeding) to be cute to get an answer.

**Blaine**   
**That’s not a real answer, you know ;)**

**Kurt**   
**It’s as real as your maybe before. Anyway, does it really matter now?**

“You still love him, don’t you?” Ali finally asks.

“I think I do,” I confess. “I don’t think I ever stopped.”

“Then it’s pretty easy, isn’t it.”

“I don’t know… I don’t know if I can trust him to not make the same mistakes,” I say, and Ali remains quiet beside me, waiting for me to continue. “How do I know he won’t shut me out when we disagree or when things get rough? How do I know he won’t break my heart?”

“You don’t. That’s the thing with love. You can only control your own feelings, your own choices. Then you have to trust that the other person is honest enough to be true about his feelings. Trust that he will take care of your heart.”

“What if I don’t trust him to do that?” 

“Then you either let it go or you take a leap of faith and hope that he is there to catch you.”

“You think I should let it go, don’t you? You think I’m stupid and foolish and blinded by our past, right?” I ask and my phone vibrates again. I look at the screen and suddenly I feel pressured.

**Blaine**   
**Maybe it does. Maybe it will tell me something about you that I need to know.**

“It doesn’t really matter what I think,” Ali says. “What matters is that you are happy, Kurt.” She takes my hand in hers. “I know you think I’m hard on you about this, that I don’t like Blaine. It’s just I saw what he did to you. I was there, in Lima, remember? When you spent every night on my bed crying after you broke up. Even if I weren’t here for your first year, I know how miserable you were. I was also there, in Paris, when just his voice on the radio gave you a near anxiety attack. I know he hurt you, but I also know how you never stopped loving him even if you said you did. Is that him?” She asks and points towards my phone.

“Yes…” I sigh.

“Uh-uh, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing really,” I answer, but I know why Blaine’s latest text is bothering me so much. “It’s just, sometimes I feel that he wants so much from me, more than I am able to give him. I have told him I need time to figure things out, and most of the times he respects that, but then there are other times, like tonight, when I feel pressured to give him the answers that he wants. It’s like he’s only waiting for me to say the right words, like he knows I will, but I’m not sure… Here, see what I mean,” I say and hand my phone over to Ali. She scrolls through the latest texts.

“This is not so bad. All he wants to know is what you were thinking back then,” she says.

“But if I tell him yes, I did change my mind about long distance relationships, then he’s gonna take that as a sign that I want to be with him now.”

“Well, don’t you?”

“Have you not been listening to me? I have this whole trust issue that I can’t get past,” I say and let out a little laugh. 

“But if you could get past it?” Ali says ignoring my teasing tone.

“Well, then yes, in a perfect world. But in a perfect world we would never have broken up in the first place. I can’t just ignore the things that have happened between us.”

I want it to be as easy as Ali makes it out to be. To just ignore what happened back then, but I’m scared I never can and that it will always be this thing that exists between us, making me unable to really trust him.

Ali hands me back my phone, and I type out a reply to Blaine.

**Kurt**   
**I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be Blaine…**

“But you can’t let it dictate the future either,” Ali continues.

“When did you become such a pro-Blaine?” I ask and laugh.

“I’m not. I am just pro happy Kurt,” Ali says, and when I turn to look at her, she has the fondest expression on her face, and I couldn’t love her more than I do right now. “Does Rafi know about Blaine?”

I exhale deeply. “Yes, he knows. He came home early from Austin last week and found Blaine in my apartment.”

“Oh, Kurt… What did he say?”

“He told me he loves me. He told me he’s not giving up on us.”

“He said he loves you? Wow…” Ali says as I nod. “You kind of have to make a decision soon, Kurt. You can’t let them both wait.”

“I know…”

“Is this where you guys are hiding?”

We both look up towards the door and see Rachel standing in the doorway. 

“We’re not hiding,” I say softly, feeling more at ease than I have in a long time now that I know I have Ali’s support no matter what. Her not liking Blaine has bothered me more than I knew. “Come here and join us,” I continue and pat on the empty spot on the rug next to me.

Rachel walks in and lies down beside me. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I say and squeeze Ali’s hand to let her know it’s because of her.

“So you know what you’re going to do?” Rachel continues.

“No, not really,” I say. Ali’s words are starting to sink in. Do I trust him enough to take a leap of faith and just let it go? I want to, but do I? “But I know no matter what that I will be okay because I have the most amazing friends.” 

“You sure do,” I hear Santana say as she walks into the room and squeezes her tiny body between mine and Rachel’s.

“And we’ll be here to support you no matter what decision you make,” Ali says.

“Sometimes I think I should just leave them both and focus on myself,” I say with a small chuckle. I know I never could, but it sure would make my life easier. First Ali starts to laugh and then Santana, and then we’re all lying there on the floor laughing. I guess that is quite funny after all. 

“I love you guys.” I say when we have calmed down. I feel my eyes tearing up, but for a completely different reason than before.

“Aww, we love you too, Kurt,” Rachel says and Ali and Santana agrees.

Right here, right now I feel like the luckiest guy in the world with such amazing and supportive friends.

“And just so that you know, I am happy for you and Finn, Rachel,” I say leaning up slightly so that I can look at her over Santana’s body. I reach out my hand to her, and she takes it and squeezes it lightly.

“Thank you,” Rachel says. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I really like him.”

“And I’m also happy about you and accountant guy Kevin. He seems really nice and… big,” I say teasingly and place a kiss on Ali’s cheek.

Ali lets out a loud laugh and punches me on the arm. “Thank you, but I don’t think you should get your hopes up about a double date or anything.”

-x-x-

**Kurt, Thursday September 21st 2017, 11.11 am**

“Kurt, buddy, how are you?” My dad answers cheerfully into the phone.

“I’m good, Dad.”

“Are you sure? I haven’t heard from you in weeks, and now you’re calling me at work.”

He keeps his voice light, but the guilt of keeping to myself for the past weeks strikes me, like he knew it would when he spoke those words. I can hear faint rustling sounds from the shop in the background, and I can picture him sitting in his office, on the old chair that creaks when you lean too far back with the door slightly open so that he can still keep an eye on what’s going on in the shop.

“I know, I’m sorry, Dad. I’ve just been very busy,” I apologize.

“Too busy to call your old man?” Dad chuckles, and I know he’s not really upset with me.

“You know the phone works both ways, right?” I tease back.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dad says dismissively. “So what brings me the pleasure of your call today? Did something happen? You don’t tend to call me at work unless something happened.”

I’m at the office, but it’s been a slow morning with no meetings, and I’ve mostly been sketching new designs. But when things are slow at work, my brain has time to think. And when my brain starts to think, it’s usually about Blaine and Rafi. For some reason, I needed to hear my dad’s comforting voice today.

“Nothing happened,” I assure him. “How’s things at the shop?” I ask in an attempt to shift focus from myself.

“You know, same old, same old. Finn’s been here to help me in the afternoons. But I’m not sure how much help he actually is. His mind seems to be somewhere else completely. Did something happen when he visited you in New York? He’s been… daydreaming. More than usual that is. And he’s got this constant goofy grin on his face.”

“You should ask him how Rachel’s doing,” I say amused.

“Rachel? As in your friend and former roommate Rachel?”

“Yes.”

“Really now,” Dad says and chuckles. “Oh, I will ask him about her.” I can picture it in front of me, and I can see just how much Dad is going to enjoy teasing Finn about this. “How’s Rafi by the way?”

Dad has never met Rafi, but he always asks me about him. I think it’s his way of showing that he cares. Not that he needs to show me that, but it’s a nice touch. Normally at least, but not today.

“He’s fine, I guess,” I say evasively.

“You guess?” Dad says and I can hear the skepticism in his voice. “What happened?”

I might as well tell him what’s bothering me - what’s been bothering me for the past weeks - after all that is the real reason I called him. “I ran into Blaine a few weeks ago.”

“Oh…” Dad says and lets out a low whistle. He knows what Blaine means to me, how miserable I was after we broke up, and now he must know how Blaine entering my life again is affecting me.

I sigh and answer, “Yeah…”

“That was a long time ago. How is he?” Dad asks trying to keep his tone light.

“He’s good.” I start, but then I remember that this is my dad I’m taking to, there’s no point in hiding anything from him. “Or he’s a mess actually. Everything is a mess, Dad…”

“Tell me what happened,” Dad says, and I recapitulate everything from how we met in that pub to where we are today. I tell him that Blaine wants me back. I tell him what Blaine has told me about our years apart, about his drinking problems (but leaving out the part about his hook ups, because Dad doesn’t need to know about that). I tell him how we almost kissed twice, how I wanted to kiss him, but in hindsight I’m glad didn’t because it was all just being caught in the moment, and I didn’t want to cheat on Rafi. I tell him about Rafi’s encounter with Blaine, that I told him who Blaine is to me, and that I needed time to figure out what I want. I tell him that I’m clueless about how to proceed, that I think I still love Blaine, but that I don’t know if I can trust him because of everything that has happened.

“Looks like you got yourself into a sticky situation,” Dad says.

“What should I do, Dad?” I ask while drawing a few lines on a new suit I’ve been sketching on for the past hour. I have a special maroon colored fabric in mind. I saw it last week in the storage room we have for already used fabric and got an idea. I can picture Blaine wearing this suit, and I know he would look very handsome in it.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Kurt, that you have to figure out for yourself.” 

“But that’s just it, I can’t… I don’t know… What if I end up making the wrong decision again, and I end up hurting everyone? I don’t want to hurt Rafi. But I can’t turn my back on Blaine either. I thought I had lost him forever, and now he’s here and he wants to be with me, and…” I say feeling my desperation rise.

“You can’t bend over backwards to please everyone, Kurt. If you try, you will break, that I can promise you. I know it sounds cliché, but you have to listen to your heart and follow it and stop worrying so much about the consequences.”

“I know what my heart wants, but I don’t know if it’s the smartest choice…” 

“What are you afraid of?”

“It’s just… we’ve hurt each other before, and we’ve both been miserable so much because of it. We have had to deal with heartache and misunderstandings because we couldn’t find a way to communicate. What if we can’t get past that, you know? What if we hurt each other again? I’m scared that he will run away again when things get rough. That he will hide instead of talking with me. I’m scared that I will never get past that and resent him for it forever.”

“You were just kids back then, Kurt. You have both grown and matured since - you had to because of what happened. You’re not the you that you were back then, and neither is Blaine, and you can’t assume that the decisions you made then are the same decisions you will make today. Sometimes you have to learn to accept the things you can’t change and let it go.”

“So you think I should be with Blaine?” I say feeling slightly relieved to have someone finally telling me what to do.

“That’s not for me to say. Look, you know I love Blaine. No matter what happened between the two of you, he will always be like a son to me, but that doesn’t mean you two are meant to be. All I’m saying is that maybe you shouldn’t be so hung up on the past. Whether that means forgive or move on, that’s up to you. You need to consider what you’re giving up, too.”

“So, you’re saying I should be with Rafi?” I say confused and throw down my pen in resignation.

Dad chuckles softly. “Oh man, I’m only making this more confusing, aren’t I?”

“Kind of…” I admit.

“Okay, let me just say this. If you forget about the past for a second, who do you see by your side in 5 years from now? 10, 15, 50 years from now? Who do you picture yourself growing old with?” Dad asks.

It’s those words that finally make everything fall into place. That finally, finally, makes everything picture perfect clear because there’s only one answer to that question. It’s so easy. I’ve been so focused on the past that I didn’t consider the future. But the past has already been forgiven, and Dad is right, we have both grown so much since. We are not the same persons we were back then. 

Ali’s words from a few days ago come back to me now. 

_You have to trust that the other person is honest enough to be true about his feelings. Trust that he will take care of your heart._

_You either let it go or you take a leap of faith and hope that he is there to catch you._

He hasn’t given me a reason to doubt what he wants, he’s been very clear about it from the beginning, and he hasn’t really given me any reason to think that he will repeat his mistakes. Those have all been my own concerns. I know he’s trying to make himself better, that he’s trying hard to move on from that darkness that scares me. I know that he is doing better, that he’s happier. I still don’t know how I’ll handle the spotlight that I’ll inevitably will be drawn into, but I trust him to protect me. Because I love him.

“Thank you, Dad.” I say as relief floods through me. The feeling of finally knowing what to do is so freeing, like this heavy weight that’s been pressing on my chest has been lifted, and I can finally breathe again.

“You know what to do now?” Dad asks.

“Yes, thanks to you.”

“Any time, son. Wanna fill me in on your decision?”

“I think there are two persons I need to talk to first. But I promise you’re the first person I’m gonna call afterwards.”

“Tell Blaine to call me, too. God, I’ve missed that kid,” Dad says, and I can hear him tearing up. Dad hasn’t talked to Blaine since that summer when everything was perfect, but then it wasn’t.

“I will. I think he misses you, too… I’m sorry, but I need to go now. Tell Carole I love her. And I love you, too, Dad.”

“I love you, Kurt.”


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm late with this chapter. Sometimes I wished a day had 28 hours instead of 24...

**Blaine, Sunday September 24th 2017, 3.17 pm**

**Kurt**  
**Are you free tonight? I want to take you out to celebrate.**

**Blaine**  
**Celebrate what?**

**Blaine**  
**And yes I’m free.**

**Kurt**  
**I’ll let you know. Dress up. And by dress up I don’t mean put on a nice shirt. I mean really dress up, as in suit. We’re going somewhere fancy.**

I’ve been spending the last two hours wondering what Kurt is up to. I haven’t seen him since he invited me over for breakfast, and it feels as though he has been avoiding spending time with me. We have talked and texted a lot, but apart from when he drunk dialed me, it’s been pretty clean and innocent, and it’s totally confusing.

I thought we were heading in one direction, with the touches, and the almost kisses, and the _I need more time to figure things out before I can answer that_. I thought that I just needed to be patient and give him time. But then he had me all confused with the _I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be_ , and now I don’t know what to think. It can’t be good though. The fact that he’s been avoiding seeing me in person only strengthens that feeling.

Then he texts me out of nowhere, and I’m even more confused.

And I don’t know what to wear. Yes, the text clearly says to put on a suit, but I don’t own a suit. Sure I’ve worn several suits to photo shoots and events, but I don’t actually own any of them. They’ve all been handpicked for me by my stylist. Oh! I should call Kelly - maybe she can help me. 

But it’s Sunday. She’s not working, and I don’t have her number. But I’m kind of desperate and don’t really have anywhere else to turn. 

With some help from Jess, who works at the label, I get hold of Kelly’s number. Then I manage to convince Kelly it’s an emergency, and that I really need her help. 

An hour later, she walks into my apartment with her arms full of different suits, shirts, and accessories. I guide her into one of my guest bedrooms where there is a full length mirror, and she places all the items on the bed. I try on several different suits until I find the one that feels right.

“Are you going on a date?” Kelly asks. “Is that why you are in dire need of a suit?”

“I don’t know,” I answer while looking at myself in the mirror. Yes, this is definitely the one. It looks like a classic black suit, but when you look closer, you can see that it’s actually dark purple with black lapels.

Kelly frowns. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I’m meeting a friend, and he told me to dress up because he wanted to celebrate something, but I don’t know what or why…”

“That sounds kind of vague. And odd,” Kelly laughs while picking up some discarded shirts from the floor.

“Yes, but you don’t know Kurt. We have a lot of history.”

“So you want it to be a date…?” Kelly suggests carefully.

“Yes… but he already has a boyfriend, so that’s why I don’t understand what this is,” I say as I turn to try to look at the suit from behind in the mirror.

“Well, either way, you look very handsome,” Kelly says and runs her hands down the suit to straighten a few invisible crinkles.

I look myself in the mirror again and feel pleased with my choice.

“May I suggest a bowtie, a haircut and some products in your hair to tame those wild curls to give it a more classic look?”

I frown because bowties aren’t really my thing, but since she’s been so kind to come over and help me on a Sunday afternoon, I humor her and let her select a bowtie. She chooses a purple one with a paisley pattern (at least that what she tells me), which highlights the purple of the suit. She pulls my hair back slightly so that the curls don’t fall down on my forehead, just to give me a hint of what it would look like after the haircut and with products in. The result is better than I expected. Kelly flatters me by telling me I look like a young Cary Grant. I don’t know about that, but I like the way I look.

I like it so much that I actually let her cut my hair, but not too short. I know how Kurt used to like to run his fingers through my hair, and though it might be a bit presumptive to assume that may happen tonight, or any night in the future, I still don’t want to jinx it. She shows me how to use the products she brought so that I can put them on myself after I’ve showered.

I give her a big hug and thank her a thousand times before she leaves. I also make her promise not to tell anyone about this, at least not until I tell her how the night went, which she makes me swear to do. After she leaves, I shower, get dressed, and fix my hair the way Kelly showed me, and when I look in the mirror, I have to say that I’m pleased with the result. 

I look at my phone and realize I have another 30 minutes before I have to leave, and that’s when the nerves start to kick in.

 _Did I overdo this?_ With the bowtie and the hair? But then again, it’s Kurt - and no matter what I wear - I’m sure he will wear something more. More elegant, more designer, more sophisticated, more edgy, more _Kurt_. Even though I don’t know what’s happening tonight, I don’t want to disappoint him by not fulfilling his wish or only doing it halfheartedly. I decide that my look is just right.

Thinking about seeing him tonight makes me even more nervous. Not knowing what’s going to happen, not knowing the place we’re going to, and not knowing how Kurt feels about me makes me feel like I’m going to throw up any second. I pace around my apartment trying to get my nerves under control. Trying to make the minutes move faster. 

I know a glass of something would help calm my nerves, but I’ve thrown away every bottle that I owned. The need isn’t as big anymore, not in everyday life, but there are moments like this where the desire gets really strong. My determination is stronger though, and even if sometimes it’s a struggle, I have not yet fallen back into old patterns.

When the pacing and the waiting becomes unbearable, and I can’t stand to be in my apartment a second longer, I take a taxi to the Upper East Side to the address Kurt told me to meet him at. It’s a place I’ve never heard of before. Normally it makes me a little anxious to go to public places I’ve never been to - just because I never know what to expect in terms of being recognized or if a lot of fans will show up and disturb the evening for other guests (that has happened before, more than once). But I trust Kurt, and if he wants to meet me here, there’s no other place I want to be.

Since I’m early, I have to stand outside and wait for Kurt to arrive, and it does nothing to help calm my nerves. I pace up and down the sidewalk cursing myself for not staying at home a little longer. It’s getting cold, and the usually warm September evenings seem to have disappeared. The sky is grey, and the wind is picking up. It looks like it might start to rain any minute.

All thoughts about nerves and clothes and locations and the weather disappear, however, when Kurt’s taxi arrives, and he steps out of it. He looks stunning. I know he would, but still, he takes my breath away. He’s wearing a suit in dark teal with a matching waistcoat, a white shirt and a black skinny tie. I get a sudden flashback to the last time I saw him in teal and a black skinny tie. It was the night he went on a date with Oliver, the night we became boyfriends. I wonder if his clothes are a conscious choice.

Kurt hurries over to me and gives me a quick hug before he takes a step back and gives me an inspection from head to toe. “I approve,” he says with a growing smile. “I approve very much. Is that a Valentino?”

“Ehm… yes? I don’t know…” I say, having no clue who designed the suit, or if it’s even a designer suit.

“I think it is, and you look very dapper. The bowtie is a really nice touch. Oh, and your hair,” Kurt says and places a curl that has broken loose back in its place. His fingers brush against my forehead, and even if it’s just a brief, small touch, I feel it in my entire body. There’s so much anticipation and nerves circling around my system that the faint brush of his fingertips almost makes me dizzy. 

“Thank you,” I say, fidgeting with my bowtie. “You look very handsome. I’m sorry I can’t name the designer, but you look very good.”

“It’s an original Hummel design,” Kurt says proudly and does a little twirl.

“You did this yourself?” It’s such a beautiful piece, and I know it shouldn’t astonish me that he can make something like this, but still it does.

“You don’t have to sound so surprised. I am a fashion designer after all,” Kurt says with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Yes, you are,” I say and start to feel more at ease because Kurt seems very relaxed and happy, which makes him playful. “You should be very proud of yourself, it’s very beautiful.”

“Thank you. Shall we?” Kurt asks and nods towards the restaurant.

We walk into the restaurant where Kurt talks to the maître d’hôtel, and we’re shown to a quiet corner of the restaurant. As we sit down at our table for two, I take a quick look around the establishment and see that indeed this is a very _fancy_ place. Everybody is dressed up, and I wonder if there is a dress code to this place. The guests are mainly above forty, I would guess, but there are some teenagers having dinner with their parents. I relax a little more as I realize that this is not a place where people are likely to pay attention to who I am.

The restaurant is dimly lit and soft music is playing in the background. The tables are decorated with white, starched linen cloths, candles, and vases with short stemmed red roses. Large chandeliers are hanging from the ceiling emitting a soft glow that sets the tone for this place. Dark blue velvet drapes are hanging down some of the walls, which only serve to highlight the soft atmosphere even more. The chairs are extremely comfortable.

“This is a very nice place,” I tell Kurt after the waiter has handed us our menus and disappeared. "I’ve never heard about it before.”

“I know, it’s quite the place, isn’t it?”

“Yes, how did you manage to get a reservation here on such short notice? Or maybe I was just the backup plan?” I haven’t thought about this before, but suddenly I feel self-conscious because there is probably a three-month waiting list for a place like this. 

Kurt frowns. “ _Blaine_. You’re never a backup plan. You’re here because I want to be here with you. Do you remember Cassandra, my boss?” Kurt asks, and I nod. “Her husband owns this place. I just called in a favor, and here we are.”

I really do need to try to be less nervous, but not knowing what’s going on is making me tense. “And why are we here?”

“Because we’re hungry?” Kurt suggests playfully. I’m too unsure of what this is to ask him further questions.

We take a minute to look at our menus, but really I spend more time glancing over mine to look at Kurt. He really looks amazing tonight - in his suit and his perfectly styled hair. It’s impossible not to look at him. Impossible not to wish for things.

Kurt’s looking very intently at his menu, trying to figure out what to eat. I’m trying to figure out what he’s up to. I wonder what’s going through his mind, if the reason he made us dress up and had us meet here is the one I hope it is.

Kurt looks up from his menu and catches me looking at him. “What?” he asks when I smile at him.

“Nothing,” I say innocently. “I just can’t get over how good you look in that suit.”

Kurt’s smile becomes broader. “Flattery will get you everywhere tonight,” he says, flirting.

“Really?” I say with a raised eyebrow.

“Really,” Kurt says and winks. “Have you decided what you want to eat?” He asks turning back to his menu as if nothing happened.

Kurt is in a really good mood, and I like it. “Ehm… no…” I say and look down at my menu again. “Everything sounds delicious.”

“Do you trust me enough to let me choose for you?” Kurt asks.

I close my menu. “Yes, I do.” Kurt is the only person I trust without a doubt. Not only when it comes to choosing dinner.

When the waitress comes over, Kurt orders for the both of us. “What do you want to drink?” Kurt asks me.

“I’ll have some sparkling water, please,” I answer.

“I’ll have the same,” Kurt tells the waitress.

“It’s okay if you want to have some wine,” I tell him. “I won’t mind.” 

Just because I’m not drinking anymore, it doesn’t mean Kurt can’t enjoy a good wine with his meal.

“I’m fine with water,” Kurt says and smiles. “What I drink is not what’s important tonight.”

I want to ask him _then what is?_ But I’m still too nervous about reading this all wrong.

The waitress leaves us with a ‘Thank you, Mr. Hummel’, which makes me realize that she knows him.

“Have you been here before?” I ask.

“Cassandra likes to come here to unwind after work on Fridays. Sometimes she asks me to come along with her. But we usually sit by the bar, not out here in the restaurant.”

We continue with small talk about his work and how it’s going in the studio, and I’m having a really good time in Kurt’s company. I try to relax as much as possible with so many unanswered questions hanging between us. Kurt doesn’t seem to be bothered by any of it though. He actually acts as if there’s nothing out of the ordinary going on. It doesn’t feel like we’re here as friends, but then again, he hasn’t said anything that would suggest otherwise either.

By the time our food arrives, and we have taken the first bites, I can’t hold back the question I’ve been wanting to ask but been too nervous to do. But not knowing is worse.

“So, what is this thing we’re celebrating?” I ask while putting down my knife and fork, and picking up the napkin to wipe my mouth.

“I’ll let you know eventually,” Kurt says secretively.

“Okay, but it’s making me kind of nervous not knowing,” I tell him while I put down the napkin on the table.

Kurt places his hand on top of mine. “You have nothing to be nervous about.” His eyes sparkle when I look at him, and that in combination with his touch and his words make my heart beat just a little faster than normal. “I’m having a really good time with you here tonight, please relax and enjoy yourself.”

“That would be a lot easier if I knew why I was here.”

“If I say there’s nowhere and no one I’d rather be with right now, would that help?” Kurt asks softly.

“It kind of makes my mind come up with a bunch of questions I’m not ready to ask,” I tell him.

“Why not?” Kurt asks and leans forward, putting his other hand on the table as well.

“Because I’m not sure the answers are the ones I want to hear.”

“What if they are? Maybe you should try asking one,” Kurt suggest, again flirtingly.

Could Kurt actually be implying what I think he’s implying? I don’t dare to believe it because I know I will be so broken if I’m wrong.

_But what if I’m not?_

“Do you still like me?” I ask deciding to just put the question out there.

Kurt rolls his eyes. “Of course, I do, otherwise I wouldn’t be here with you.”

“Okay,” I say and try to figure out what to ask next. “Did you want to change your mind about the whole long distance not working out thing?” I finally ask, hoping that he will answer this question tonight.

Kurt stays silent for a few moments before he answers. “Yes, I did.”

“Really?”

“Yes… I missed you so much, and everything was miserable and… I just needed you. I wanted you. But you weren’t there… and…”

His sad voice breaks my heart. Knowing that I did that to him, knowing that I ran from my problems, and hurt the only person that has ever mattered to me… “I’m really sorry, Kurt, you have no idea…”

Kurt shakes his head. “No, we’re not going down that road again. Not tonight. Tonight is about celebrating the future, not about regretting the past. Can we do that?”

“Yes, we can,” I say because I’m tired of brooding about the past. I’m so ready to put it behind me. 

_Celebrating the future_. That’s why we’re here. Does that mean he wants me to be a part of his future? 

“Excuse me?” I hear a woman’s voice saying next to me. I tear my eyes away from Kurt and look up at her. It’s a woman in her mid-forties maybe. She looks a little bit uncomfortable standing there. “Are you Blaine Anderson?”

“Yes,” I answer tentatively, feeling myself tense.

“I’m so sorry to bother you, I don’t normally do this kind of thing, it’s just that my son is such a big fan of yours, and he would kill me if I didn’t get your autograph,” she says, and I relax a little again, sensing that she’s genuine in her request.

“Oh, it’s not a problem.” I send her a reassuring smile. “Do you have something for me to write on?”

“Oh Lord, I didn’t think about that,” she says, and I see her cheeks flush. “Ehm… I…”

“Here,” Kurt says and holds out a piece of paper, which I have no idea where he got from.

“Oh, thank you,” she says and sends Kurt a grateful smile. “I’m so sorry to interrupt your date. I really wouldn’t do this, it’s just I know how much this will mean to Jamie.”

Kurt’s thumb aimlessly strokes mine. His hand is still resting on top of mine, he didn’t remove it when she approached us. I guess it must look like we’re on a date. I take the paper and write down a message to Jamie.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kurt says, and I can hear the smile in his voice even though I’m not looking at him. “Blaine is rather amazing, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is. I’ve listen to his music, too. I mean it’s kind of hard not hearing his music in our apartment,” she says with a small giggle, “and I must say, it’s very good.”

“Thank you, that’s so sweet of you to say,” I tell her and hand over the note I have written. I always feel this warm feeling inside when strangers praise my music. 

“Thank you. Jamie will be so sorry he didn’t come with us tonight. He’s had it rough lately, he’s gay too, but the kids at his school are giving him a hard time about it…”

“That’s awful,” Kurt says. “It’s 2017, I thought we were past that kind of crap.”

“I know,” the woman says. She looks so sad when she talks about it. It breaks my heart a little. “My husband and I try to be there for him, but it’s like it’s not enough… But I know that listening to Blaine’s music helps him.”

“It will get better,” Kurt tells her. “Just be there for him, that’s all you can do. He might not show you that he appreciates it, but he does.”

“Thank you,” the woman says fondly, and then she turns to me. “Your boyfriend is very wise.”

I feel myself blush. “Oh, he’s not-“ I start, but Kurt cuts me off.

“Thank you. We know what it’s like to be young and out, and it’s not always easy, but it gets better.”

“Yes, it does,” I agree, wondering why Kurt didn’t deny the whole boyfriend thing. There’s a pretty big chance this will end up online (because everything always does). But Kurt isn’t used to being famous (or being with someone famous), so he probably isn’t thinking in those terms.

“I hope it does,” she says. “Seeing him like this is breaking my heart.”

“What’s your name?” I ask her.

“Shelly.”

I give her a hug. “You're a good mom, Shelly, just keep supporting him. Thank you for coming over,” I tell her, and I really mean it. Knowing that my music is helping someone and making them feel better, that’s what I’m here for. That’s motivation to keep doing this even though it’s tough at times.

Shelly says goodbye, and after she leaves, I turn to Kurt. He looks at me with a fond expression on his face. “I wish every kid had a mom like that, she was a real sweetheart.”

I look at him, trying to figure him out.

“Is this a date?” I ask him.

“Do you want it to be?” Kurt asks, flirty tone in his voice, but I feel tired of his games and his avoiding answers.

“Don’t do that,” I tell him. “You know what I want. I, on the other hand, have no clue what you want because you’re not telling me anything. Why didn’t you deny that we are boyfriends? Shelly might seem nice, but word gets out faster than you can imagine, and I’m quite sure that by tomorrow, it will be all over Twitter that I was sighted with “my boyfriend” along with a vivid description of you.”

“I don’t really care about that,” Kurt says.

“What about Rafi? I’m sure he will care about it.”

Kurt flips our hands so that our fingers lace together, then he looks at me, holding my eyes steadily. “You don’t have to worry about Rafi.” His look is such that it leaves no room for questions.

“What do I need to worry about then?” I ask, still not wanting to assume anything.

“You need to worry about impressing me when you get up and play on that piano.” Kurt says and cocks his head in the direction of a piano situated in the other end of the room. I didn’t notice it before when we walked in here, but there it is, a beautiful, black grand piano.

“W-what?” I ask. 

When Kurt sees the confusion on my face and the hesitation in my voice, he quickly retracts.

“Sorry, that was a stupid thing to suggest. Forget I said anything.” 

He looks away from me, his eyes focusing on the other restaurant guests and not me.

“What do you want, Kurt?” I ask and squeeze his hand gently to get him to return his focus to me.

His gaze wanders back to me, and I see him closing his eyes momentarily and taking a deep breath before he starts. “I’m sorry, Blaine. I’m sorry I’ve been playing games tonight,” he says looking embarrassed. “It’s just… I had this clear picture of how I wanted tonight to go and…” Kurt trails off.

“And?”

Kurt sighs. “I wanted to make tonight special, a night we would always remember. So I wanted to tell you that I would grant you one wish if you played something for me on the piano. You would get all excited about it because a wish granted could mean exactly what you want. But it’s just stupid, and I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea. I should just tell-“

“No, I want to do it,” I say. Suddenly I feel very much like singing for Kurt. It’s not a stupid idea. I know I’ve told him how I feel, but I’ve always been better at showing my feelings through song than talking about them. Kurt wants a night to remember, and I want to give him one.

“Blaine, you don’t have to. It was a silly idea.”

“But you’ll grant me one wish if I do?” I ask, that part of what he said sinking in, and I realize what Kurt was actually saying.

“Yes, but-”

“Anything?”

“Anything,” Kurt says as he understands that I’m actually doing this. “But I’ll do that any-”

“Who do I talk to if I want to sing?”

Thoughts of contracts that forbid me to play in public places and to have a boyfriend, or words being spread on social media, or people learning about my private life don’t bother me. I want to show him that this time won’t be anything like it was back then. This time I’m not afraid to let everyone know how I feel about him. I’m not ashamed about who I am, and there will be no secrecy.

Kurt is basically telling me he’s mine, and though I should probably just sit here and let him grant me my wish, I want him to see me perform. I want to be romantic for him. I want to sing him a song that I once wrote for him. 

“You can talk to Anthony over there,” Kurt says and points towards a well dressed man behind the bar. “But you really don’t have to.”

When I get up to walk over to the piano, Kurt is reluctant to let go of my hand. “You know I can’t go over there if you’re still holding my hand,” I tell him. “Unless you plan on singing with me?” I pretend to be hopeful, but I know there’s no way Kurt is singing in front of an audience.

“I kind of don’t want to let you go,” Kurt says. 

“I really want to do this, Kurt.”

Reluctantly he lets go of my hand, and I make my way over. Apparently I’m anticipated because the man behind the bar walks around the counter to greet me.

“We’re very thrilled that you’re doing us the honor of playing for us here tonight, Mr. Anderson. The piano is all yours,” he says and gestures towards the piano. He then grabs the microphone by the piano and turns around to face the people dining. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he starts “Tonight we have a special treat for you. Mr. Blaine Anderson has agreed to grace us with a few songs.”

 _A few songs?_ My plan was to do one song, but okay. I take my place behind the piano and start playing the first chords to my first song. 

“Please forgive me for interrupting your dinner,” I start in a light voice. “I don’t normally do this kind of thing, but I’m here tonight with a friend that’s very special to me, and I wanted to sing a few songs to show him what he means to me.” I say this last part while looking in Kurt’s direction, hoping that he’ll understand. “And by the end of this night, I’m hoping maybe we’ll be more than friends,” I add, just to be clear what I want. Because we haven’t really talked about it since we last met in his apartment, and that was two weeks ago. I’ve been holding back since he told me he needed more time. But right now, I don’t want to hold back anymore. I want him to know exactly how I feel.

To my surprise, the dinner guests applaud and cheer. I feel everyone's attention on me, but I’m used to it, and it doesn’t bother me. Sure, the setting is more intimate than where I usually perform, but this moment is intimate to me, so it’s perfect.

“I think I’m just gonna sing for you now. I hope that you’ll enjoy it, and again, I’m sorry for interrupting your dinner.” 

I decide to save our song til the end and instead start with something that will show Kurt just how I feel about him. I make myself comfortable on the piano stool, and try to block out everybody out there, and just focus on singing the hell out of this song. For Kurt’s sake.

_What would I do without your smart mouth?_  
_Drawing me in, and you kicking me out_  
_You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down_  
_What’s going on in that beautiful mind_  
_I’m on your magical mystery ride_  
_And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright_

_My head's under water_  
_but I’m breathing fine_  
_You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind_

_Cause all of me loves all of you_  
_Love your curves and all your edges_  
_All your perfect imperfections_  
_Give your all to me, I’ll give my all to you_  
_You’re my end and my beginning_  
_Even when I lose, I’m winning_  
_Cause I give you all of me_  
_And you give me all of you_

As I keep singing, I look over to where Kurt is sitting, wanting to see his reaction, but the room is too dimly lit, and he’s sitting too far away for me to be able to make out anything but his contours. When I finish up the song, the room is filled with applause. I blush slightly because I’ve been so into singing the song to Kurt, for Kurt, meaning every word, that I kind of forgot that there were more people than just Kurt sitting here listening to me.

“Thank you,” I say as the applause dies out. “So the next song is a song that I actually was a part of the writing team behind. I didn’t want credit for it because it differs from what I normally write. This is the first time I’m telling anyone this, so I hope I don’t get in trouble now.” My small audience laughs at my confession. “Anyway, in the writing process, there was only one person on my mind.”

_You and I_  
_We’re like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky_  
_With you, I’m alive_  
_Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide_

_So stop right here in the moonlight_  
_Cause I don’t ever wanna close my eyes_

_Without you, I feel broke_  
_Like I’m half of a whole_  
_Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold_  
_Without you, I feel torn_  
_Like a sail in the storm_  
_Without you, I’m just a sad song_  
_I’m just a sad song_

_With you I fall_  
_It’s like I’m leaving all my past in silhouettes upon the wall_  
_With you I’m a beautiful mess_  
_It’s like we’re standing hand in hand with all our fears upon the edge_

I hope Kurt is listening close to lyrics, understanding why I have chosen these songs to sing for him. I hope that he can hear what he means to me, how lost I’ve been without him, how I don’t want to spend another minute without him. How much I love him.

It’s thrilling being up here in front of Kurt and everyone else, and I have to admit that even though I’m full of jitters from not knowing exactly what’s going to happen, I’m enjoying this moment far more than I expected. Everyone in here seems to enjoy my performance, and I don’t feel as if I’m interrupting their dinners anymore.

When the final accords of the song fades out, the applause is, if possible, louder than before. “Thank you, you’re too kind,” I say as I try to quiet the applause. “My last song, is a song I wrote a little over five years ago. It was also my very first single to be released. I wrote this song for him, and even though I haven’t seen him in these five years, the words are just as true now as they were then.”

_One day, many years from now_  
_When we are losing our memories_  
_I’ll still remember the day I found you_  
_You stole my heart completely_  
_But it found a new home in you_  
_My heart belongs to you, only you_

_Sometimes love is found in_  
_The most unexpected of places_  
_That’s how it was the day I fell for you_  
_I know now, there’s no turning back_  
_I’m the closest I’ve been to believing_  
_This could be love forever_

_Our love is a beautiful mess_  
_It’s you and me against the world_  
_Our love is untouchable_  
_No matter what they say or do_  
_I don’t want nothing more_  
_Our love is untouchable_  
_I’m a beautiful mess with you_

The song brings back so many memories, both happy and sad ones. Memories of me and Kurt and how I felt when I wrote the song, but also memories of performing this song day in and day out when all I wanted to do was cry because Kurt was no longer mine. I’m hoping that can change now, and that I will only have bright memories connected to this song.

When the song ends, I stand up, bow politely but quickly to my small little audience, and hurry off the impromptu stage. I’m eager to get to Kurt. By now there should be no doubt how I feel about him, and I want to hear what he has to say. 

When I get back to our table, however, Kurt is standing up waiting for me. “We need to get out of here now,” he says and starts pulling me towards the back of the restaurant.

“What? Why?” I ask. I don’t understand.

“I’ll explain in the cab,” Kurt says and drags me through the kitchen and out via the staff entrance. A yellow cab is standing there waiting for us. Kurt opens the door and holds it open for me, waiting until I’m inside the cab before he climbs in himself, shuts the door and gives directions to the driver. I’m so confused that I don’t even hear what he says. I just sit there, turned towards him, waiting for him to explain what the hell is happening.

Kurt looks back through the back window before he relaxes and turns towards me. “Someone posted something about your performance, and there was a small crowd gathering outside the restaurant. They expected it to get bigger, so they thought it was best if we left directly through the back door. But don’t worry about it, the restaurant knows how to deal with it.”

“What?... No…” I say and feel at once remorseful and sorry for the guests in the restaurant.

Kurt glances over his shoulder again. I have to look too, to see what he’s looking at. But I don’t see anything in particular, just the normal New York traffic. Kurt seems content too and settles back down in his seat.

I forgot to tell them not to post anything. I can’t believe I was that careless. “Fuck…” I curse quietly. “I didn’t want to bring _this_ on innocent people who only went out to have dinner and a good time. I just wanted to show you how I feel, and now they’ll have to suffer for me being selfish.”

“Hey, baby, don't worry. They’re still enjoying their dinner. Nobody’s going to get in and disturb them. They’re probably not even noticing what’s happening outside. Please, don’t feel bad,” Kurt says and reaches out to touch my arm. “You told me how you hated being on tours, and I just wanted to give you a positive experience,” Kurt says sounding regretful, his head dropping. “I’m sorry, Blaine. It was a bad idea, and I shouldn’t have let you go through with it. This is all my fault. I knew there were risks involved, but I so wanted to make tonight memorable...”

“It’s not your fault. I went up there of my own free will,” I say.

“But you wouldn’t have thought about it if I hadn’t mentioned it. If I hadn’t said that stupid thing about granting you a wish.”

I don’t blame Kurt, this is all my own fault. I wanted to impress him, to show him that I’m not afraid to put it all on the line for him.

I enjoyed performing, I really did, but I do not enjoy the aftermath. I shouldn’t have sat down behind that piano, it was a stupid thing to do, and I should have known better. But I got too caught up in the moment and in the possibilities. In the promises. Now I see what a mistake that was.

I look out the window at the city passing by. Traffic is fairly light, and we’re moving south quickly. The city never sleeps, and even though it’s close to midnight on a Sunday, the streets are still filled with people. It amazes me still, even after living three years in New York, that there is always a crowd of people moving on these streets, no matter what the hour.

It takes me a while to notice the uncomfortable silence between us as we continue our ride, my mind busy with processing what just happened. I realize that I haven’t said anything since Kurt last spoke, and that he probably thinks that I’m blaming him for what happened. 

I glance over at Kurt, hoping that his face will reveal to me what he’s thinking, but he’s also staring out the window. The silence is stressing me, but I don’t know what to say. _Why is this so difficult?_ It shouldn't be. Deep down I know he wants to be with me, and God and everyone knows by now how much I want him. So how did we end up like this? Awkwardly staring out our windows instead of talking to each other. I need him to tell me what he wants. I’ve taken so many of the steps to get us here, he needs to be the one taking the next.

But, if I have learnt anything in the past five years, it is that not talking doesn’t make anything better.

I’m about to ask Kurt what’s going to happen now, when suddenly he tells the driver to stop. He pays, and then opens the door to get out. He beckons me to follow him, and I don’t know what to do but to oblige. We’re in Chelsea, but neither close to his apartment nor to mine.

“Come,” Kurt says and takes my hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I had to cut this chapter here, the next one picks up right where this one leaves off, still from Blaine's pov. The chapter would have become too long (even for me ;) ) if I didn't split it into two. But who doesn't like a good cliffhanger?? ;)
> 
> The songs in this chapter were: _All of Me_ by John Legend and _Sad Song_ by We the Kings


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter will be worth the little extra wait. The remaining chapters are all long and it takes me forever to go through them, and at the same time I'm working on the final chapter to get that done in time. But I can let you know already now that I probably won't manage with that and that you'll probably have to wait an extra week for the last chapter, which I'm really sorry about. But that's what happens when you start posting before you are finished with your writing :)

**Blaine, Sunday September 24th 2017, 11.51 pm**

We walk south on 10th Avenue. Kurt seems to have a destination in mind as he tugs me along down the street.

“Where are we going? What’s going on?” I ask Kurt.

Kurt stops and looks at me. “Do you ever feel the need to do something reckless?” He asks.

“I’m pretty much done with reckless,” I tell him. “I’ve been reckless for the past five years.”

“I’m never reckless,” Kurt says. “I always play it safe. Tonight I want to change that,” he says and starts pulling me in onto 26th street. He stops just outside the closed gate to the High Line. His eyes dart between me and the gate.

“What’s going on?” I ask again, this time much more suspicious. He can’t actually be thinking what I think he’s thinking.

“I want to walk the High Line.”

“Okay, yes, but it’s closed,” I point out.

“I know, but we’re being reckless, remember?” There’s a mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

“So what, we’re going to break in?” I say with a frown. “Isn’t that kind of dangerous? And illegal.”

“Maybe…”

“And how do you suggest we get up there?” I say and point up towards the High Line above us. “Climb the gate? In suits?” I know that I would if that’s what Kurt is suggesting, but it doesn’t seem like a Kurt thing to do. I also wonder where the police officer that usually patrols here is. There’s not a soul in sight.

“That’s one way,” Kurt says. “But it feels kind of unnecessary when you have a key.” He pulls out a key from his pocket and holds it up for me to see it.

“You have a key? To this gate?” I ask skeptically. Kurt nods. “How…? What?”

“I have connections,” Kurt says, smiling proudly while putting the key into the gate and unlocking the door. “Come on,” he beckons me to hurry up. I quickly slip past him, and he locks the gate behind us. We quietly run up the stairs (trying not to giggle too much), and then we’re there, alone on the High Line.

I’ve always thought it was beautiful up here, but it’s been a long time since I visited this place. It’s even more beautiful in the dark with the only light coming from nearby buildings and a few sparsely situated lamps that light up the way.

“You seem to have connections in all the right places,” I say as we walk hand in hand down the path. “I can’t believe you have a key to the gate,” I say and chuckle. “Way to be reckless, Kurt.”

Kurt laughs too. “There’s a limit to how reckless I dare to be.” But then he becomes serious. “Are you still mad at me?” Kurt asks and I can hear how he worries that I am.

“I wasn’t mad at you, Kurt. I was upset with myself. I acted on impulse, and I really can’t afford to be that careless.”

“I’m so sorry, Blaine. It was a dumb idea from the beginning. I just wanted you to have a good time,” Kurt says, the regret clear in his voice.

“And I did. You were right. I haven’t enjoyed performing like I did tonight in a very long time. I loved that you were there, and that I got to sing for you.”

“I’m glad I got to hear you sing. Just you and the piano, you sounded great,” Kurt says and his voice is so much lighter now than it was just a few seconds ago. “Those were some pretty amazing songs you chose.”

“I hope you know I meant every word. They were all meant to tell you how I feel.”

“I know,” Kurt says.

We continue to walk in silence. His hand feels warm and familiar in mine, like it was only yesterday that we walked like this. I want to ask him what’s going to happen with us now. What he meant by _I don’t need to worry about Rafi_ or what about that wish. But I’m too afraid of what will happen to me if he tells me I’m reading this all wrong. So I stay silent and try to enjoy being up here alone with Kurt, holding his hand, and watching the beauty that is New York City at night.

After a few minutes Kurt stops. He turns slightly towards me. “I believe I have a wish to grant you.” 

My heart starts pounding. I feel nervous and calm at the same time. If Kurt is bringing this up, it can only mean one thing. Right? “I believe you said I could wish for anything.” 

“Anything,” Kurt repeats. 

I look at him. I think he is nervous too, but mostly I see affection in his eyes. I see the most beautiful man in the world standing in front of me. I see perfection. If there ever was a perfect man, Kurt is it. I see someone whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone whom my heart has belonged to for the past five years, maybe even longer.

“Then I think I want a puppy,” I tell him.

“W-what?”

“You know, someone to keep me company. It gets kind of lonely in that apartment of mine sometimes. I think a puppy is just what I need.” I can’t help myself. He looks so serious, and I don’t want to be serious. And also, he’s been playing elusive with me all night, so I think it’s only fair he gets a taste of his own medicine.

“Come on, Blaine,” Kurt says and swats my arm. His serious face is exchanged for a more leisurely one. “Don’t do that.”

I take his other hand in mine so that both of our hands are laced together. This is the moment. “You. I only want you, Kurt. It has always been you, it always will be. There will never be anyone else for me.”

“Then I’m yours,” Kurt says simply.

“What about Rafi?” I ask because I have to know, have to be sure before I take the next step.

“I broke up with him three days ago,” Kurt says. “There’s no one for me but you either. I thought I could move on from you, but I can’t. You’re it for me, Blaine, and I’m sorry it took me this time to realize it, but I think I needed this time because now I’m sure. I’m sure that I can’t go on another day without you in my life.”

“You waited three days to tell me?” I say, partly incredulous, partly playful.

“I had a lot of planning to do. Lots of connections to make,” Kurt says teasingly.

“Yes, but three days?” I tease, pulling him closer to me by the lapels of his suit. A last lingering note of tension and apprehension hanging between us.

“Please just kiss me already,” Kurt practically whimpers, and I’m all too happy to grant him his wish.

The kiss starts out slow and testing. My heart is thumping so hard in my chest, and my hands are trembling slightly. I pull him closer, closing the final distance between us, and put my arms around his waist. Kurt puts his arm around my neck, and when his fingers run through my hair, shivers run down my spine. The kiss soon becomes deeper and more heated. Tongues are involved, and I can’t get enough of the taste of Kurt. I’ve wanted this for so long that I never want the kiss to end.

We only part when it becomes too hard to breathe. Kurt leans his forehead against mine, panting with his eyes closed. I will my heart to stop beating with such ferocity, but it’s seems an impossible task. Then Kurt opens his eyes and looks straight into mine.

“I love you, Blaine.”

My mind goes blank, and all I can do is stare at him. Those are the last words I expected to hear from him tonight. He loves me, and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. My entire being is just filled with emotions that I can’t even try to begin to describe. My brain short-circuits, and my tongue goes dumb. 

“Oh God, it’s too soon for that.” Kurt says embarrassed and leans his head forward to bury it on my shoulder. “I’m sorry…”

_No, no, no! It’s not too soon!_ My brain, who finally catches up with the situation, screams at me.

“Kurt?” I say and carefully take a step back. I look at him, but his eyes are on his feet. I put a finger under his chin and press lightly upwards. When his eyes meet mine, I tell him the words I’ve been hiding in my heart for so long. “I love you, too.”

His arms are around my neck again, his lips are on mine, and we share another intense kiss. I need to touch him. _I need to feel his skin against my fingers_. The words flash through my mind as I sneak my hands under his jacket and claw at his shirt to get it free from his pants. _Kurt loves me. I’m it for him._ Kurt moans into the kiss, and I suck his tongue deeper into my mouth at the same time as he tugs at my hair. My pants are tight, and I know I need more of Kurt.

I push him towards the nearest bench and make him sit down. I straddle him as I sit down on his lap, pressing my hips against his. I groan when we connect, and feel that Kurt is just as hard as I am. My fingers find the buttons of his waistcoat and I start to unbutton them, all while I continue to kiss him and move my hips rhythmically to get that delicious sensation of his erection brushing against mine.

When the waistcoat is unbuttoned, I pull his shirt out of his pants on the front as well, running my fingers along his exposed abs and marvel in the sensation of being able to touch him like this again. Kurt’s hands follow my motions and his fingers find their way under my shirt, and I shiver when his fingertips touch the skin on my back. I undo his tie and start unbuttoning Kurt’s shirt, the need to see him and to touch him, too strong to deny. It’s crazy, and it’s perfect, and it’s all I can think about.

There’s a distant sound of thunder, and then the sky opens and rain starts pouring down. If there have been raindrops falling down prior to the sky letting down this deluge upon us, well then I’ve been too preoccupied to notice.

“What the…” Kurt says, and I quickly get off of him, looking around for somewhere to take shelter. But there’s no place to hide up here, no roof that offers protection. Nothing. 

“We need to get out of here,” I say to Kurt and grab his hand. 

We run towards the nearest exit, Kurt holding onto his shirt and tie with the other hand. He looks disheveled, trying to hold onto all his loose clothes. Disheveled and utterly gorgeous. It doesn’t take long before we’re completely soaked. I expect Kurt to worry about his suit or his hair or his shoes, but as we run towards the exit, all I can hear is Kurt laughing.

We race down the stairs, and it turns out that no key is needed to open the gate from the inside. Once we’re out on the street again, I see that we’re close to my place. “I only live a street from here.” I tell Kurt. “Come, let’s run there.” I grab his hand again, and without waiting for his reply, I start running down the street. There’s no way I’m letting him out of my sight tonight. Once out on 10th Avenue, we turn left and run down my street. The previously crowded streets are now completely empty. Water splashes around our shoes as we run down the street until we reach my building. Kurt continues to laugh throughout our sprint. His laughter is contagious, and soon I find myself laughing, too. We’re soaked. We’re running. We love each other. It’s the happiest I’ve been in years. _How could I not laugh?_

“You live here?” Kurt asks in astonishment as I drag him up the front stairs and into the building. 

Bill is on duty at the front desk tonight, and when he sees us rushing in from the rain, he quickly gets up from his chair behind the counter and asks if there’s anything he can do to help. I assure him we’re fine, that we just need to get up and get dried. I can see Bill glancing at Kurt with his unbuttoned shirt and his tie hanging loose, trying to hold back a smile. Kurt looks around the lobby in amazement, his laughter suddenly dying out.

“Come on, Kurt,” I say and tug him towards the elevator.

“You actually live here?” Kurt asks again.

“Yes,” I say and smile at the amazed expression on his face. Bill has already pressed the elevator button for us, and once the door closes behind us, my lips are on Kurt’s again, my body pressing him against the wall. “I want you,” I say between kisses. “I want you so badly.”

“Me too,” Kurt’s voice sounding muffled because my lips are not leaving his alone. His hands are all over me, on my arms, in my hair, on my back, and on my ass. My hands are everywhere but there. One hand is cupping his cheek, the other is cupping his dick. Kurt groans loudly as my hand slides up and down his hardness. “ _Oh God, Blaine…_ ” He lifts one leg and wraps it around my thighs, pushing himself closer to me. But in doing so, his other foot slips. The floor has become wet and slippery from the water dripping from our clothes. 

I catch him before he falls. “I’ve have you,” I tell him and pull him back up to a standing position again. Our eyes meet. “I will always have you.”

“God, I love you so much,” Kurt moans seconds before he pulls me in for another kiss.

The elevator stops at the fourth floor, and I walk backwards out of the elevator over to my door, pulling Kurt with me while still kissing him. Somehow I manage to get my keys out, unlock and open the door without breaking the kiss. Once inside I start pulling at his jacket trying to get it off. Turns out, pulling of a wet suit jacket while not being able to not press yourself against the object that is wearing the jacket isn’t all that easy. But I want him so badly, and I just need him to be out of his clothes now.

“Hey, hey, stop that,” Kurt says gently. “You’re trembling. Let’s get you into a warm shower before you catch a cold.”

It’s not until he says it that I actually notice how much I’m freezing, that my hands are shaking from the cold. A warm shower sounds so nice, but I don’t want to part from him now that I’ve finally got him. Not even for a five-minute shower. “Only if you’re joining me.”

“Try and stop me,” Kurt says. His lips are on mine again as we kick off our shoes, and then he drags me into my apartment. “Which way?” he asks halfway into the living room.

“Upstairs,” I mumble.

“ _Upstairs?_ ” Kurt’s voice raises in surprise.

This is the first time I’ve taken him to my apartment, but right now there’s no time for a grand tour or for pulling out blueprints, so instead I just take his hand and guide him the final steps, and then we sprint up the stairs. There is more than one bathroom up here, but I drag him into the en suite one in the master bedroom.

Once there, it’s like it finally hits me that this is actually happening. I’m here with Kurt, in my bathroom, about to get naked with him. I have dreamt about this moment for so long, and now that it’s finally happening, I’m suddenly struck with nerves. _What if I disappoint him?_ What if I’m not what he thinks he wants? What if we screw this all up?

“Blaine?” Kurt says and takes a step towards me. “Stop that. I can see what you are thinking. Don’t, okay. There’s nowhere I’d rather be right now than here with you. We’re gonna be fine. Actually, we’re gonna be more than fine. We’re gonna be perfect, okay? Now let me help you get out of those wet clothes.”

The undressing is slow and could probably pass as sensual if it weren’t for the fact that taking off a wet suit is extremely difficult. All the haste and eagerness from before is replaced with slow moving hands and sweet kisses that are placed on each newly uncovered patch of skin. I revel at the feeling of Kurt’s hands and lips on my naked skin, goosebumps forming from the wet coolness left by his tongue tracing down my chest and stomach. When Kurt’s tongue traces a line from the bottom to the tip of my cock, I have to take hold of the counter in order for my legs not to give out. “Oh, fuck… _Kurrrt_.”

Kurt stands up again. “Let’s get you into that shower, shall we?” There’s no mistake of the seductiveness in his voice. No doubt what he wants. And it’s not only a warm shower. “Don’t want you to get sick.”

I push him up against the tiled wall in the shower, letting the warm water spray down on us. There’s no denying that we’re both equally aroused - our hard cocks pressing against each other is proof of that. I long to take him in my mouth, to taste him, to relive the feeling of pleasuring him with my lips and my tongue. “I want to taste you,” I whisper in his ear. “Can I?”

“ _Yes, please_ ,” Kurt moans.

I keep eye contact as I lower myself to the floor. When I take him in my mouth, Kurt moans and there’s a low thud as he leans his head back against the wall and savors the pleasure I’m giving him. I remember everything he likes - those memories have been well kept in my mind - and I don’t have to try to figure out what gives him the most pleasure because I already know. I swirl my tongue around the tip of his cock and suck on the head in the way I know he likes. He responds to my touch the way I expect him to, by moaning my name and threading his fingers through my hair, tugging at it lightly. When I run my tongue along the slit, his grip on my hair tightens. When I repeat the action, the curse words come out in short, cut off breaths.

“You have to… _ah fuck_ … stop,” Kurt says and tries to pull away. Before I let him do that, I take him deep and then pull off slowly, letting the head go with a small pop.

“I want to take care of you,” I tell him when we’re face to face again.

“Not yet,” Kurt says and suddenly we’re flipped so that I’m the one that’s pressed against the wall, and I have no idea how it happened. “First let me take care of you. I think it’s about time I show you how much I want you.”

I close my eyes as Kurt starts kissing his way down my neck. He finds that special spot on my neck - that spot that I haven’t let anyone else kiss - and attaches his lips to it. I moan softly when he starts sucking at it, and memories of him doing that in the past flash before my closed eyes. His lips on that spot right there, it’s the most sensual thing I have ever experienced. I feel it in my balls, and all the way down to my toes. I feel like I could come from him just sucking on that spot.

“Kurt… _Shit Kurt_ … Stop that, or I’m-“

His lips are on mine before I can finish that sentence, our tongues swirling around each other. Then his tongue is tracing my jawline up my cheek until his mouth reaches my ear, and he starts to nibble at my earlobe, all while his fingers are wrapped around my cock, stroking it gently up and down. 

“Turn around,” Kurt whispers, with his lips close to my ear.

I comply immediately. Kurt lets go of my cock (for which he’s awarded a protesting grunt, but he tells me to be patient), and takes both of my hands and places them against the wall. “Keep your hands here, okay?”

“Okay,” I answer shakily, my body and mind suddenly on alert, wondering what Kurt is up to now.

He lets his fingers trail down my arms at the same that he presses his body against mine. I feel his hard cock pressing against my ass. When I feel his fingers slide down my sides and his lips attacking my neck at the same time, it’s hard to keep my hands still. I want to touch him, run my fingers through his hair and along his thighs, but I also want to follow his wish. My hands remain glued to the wall.

“Close your eyes,” Kurt says, “and just feel.”

I close my eyes and do as Kurt tells me. I feel. I feel the water spraying down on me, though I’m partly shielded by Kurt’s body. I feel his lips on my back, placing soft kisses there. I feel his hands spreading my cheeks and one finger pushing against my hole. I feel my cock twitch with anticipation. I’m glad my hands are against the wall because I need the support now. I push my ass against his hand. I want his finger inside me. I want him inside me, more than I have ever wanted anything in my life (or maybe that’s just the delirium of finally being with Kurt again.)

“Fuck me, Kurt,” I whimper.

I hear a cap of something being opened before Kurt gently pushes his finger into me, and I lose all sense of pride and beg him again. “Later.” He tells me and pushes his finger further in and takes my cock in his other hand. “Not like this. Later I’ll make love to you, baby.” He adds a second finger and keeps moving them in and out of me.

That’s the moment when I think my brain stops functioning. His fingers, his hand, his words, him calling me baby. It’s all too much, and I can’t take it in. I just let go of everything, every inhibition is gone, and from that point on, I am completely at Kurt’s mercy, and all I can do is feel. And moan. Loud moans and whimpers keep spilling over my lips as Kurt pulls out his fingers and instead slides his cock between my cheeks. He doesn’t push inside me, instead he just thrusts between my legs and uses his hand to jerk me with the same speed. His other hand splayed across my chest to hold me steady.

I grab his ass with one hand, wanting to push him closer to me. “Hands on the wall, baby,” Kurt says firmly but softly, and I find myself complying immediately. I love it when Kurt takes command. I always have. I love it when he tells me what to, and I love to follow. Kurt is really taking command tonight, more so than he ever has. It’s a side of him that started to show when we were younger, but that has grown in the years we’ve been apart. It thrills me, arouses me and brings me right to the edge.

“I’m so close,” I tell him.

“Wait for me, baby,” Kurt tells me, and I do my best to hold back. But it’s oh so difficult, and at the same time, the feeling of trying to hold back, to wait for Kurt so that we can go over the edge together is oh so thrilling. I can’t use my hands to help him reach that point, but I can use my mouth and my words.

I tilt my head to the side, finding his lips with mine. I suck at his bottom lip and bite down on it a little roughly. Kurt cries out, but I don’t think it is with pain. “You make me feel so good.” I tell him. “I love feeling your cock against my ass. I can’t wait to have you inside me.”

“ _Fuck, Blaine..._ ” Kurt moans, and his thrusts become harder and faster. 

“That’s right,” I tell him, “I want you to fuck me, and when you do, I’m gonna make you come harder than you ever have.”

Kurt whimpers and groans. “Come with me, Blaine. Now,” he demands, and as I feel his hot cum on my leg, my orgasm hits me, and I spill my cum onto his hand and on the shower wall in front of me. Kurt continues to stroke me through my intense orgasm that seems to go on forever. I can’t get my brain to function properly enough to register the intensity of Kurt’s orgasm, but I can feel his cum running down my leg. What I do register is Kurt leaning against my back with his full weight, spent from his orgasm, and it takes all of my strength to hold us up, my hands still glued to the wall.

“Blaine…that was…” Kurt says, leaning his head against my back as he’s searching for the right words to say. “I actually don’t have words to describe that.”

“Intense. Amazing. Mind-blowing. Incredible,” I suggest.

“Yes, probably all of that,” Kurt chuckles.

“Can I remove my hands?” I ask him.

“ _Oh, God_ ,” I hear Kurt groan with embarrassment. “Of course, you can. I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into me.”

“Don’t be,” I tell him as I turn around so that we are face to face. “That was such a turn on.”

“Really? You like that?”

“Yes,” I groan and kiss him. Then I move my mouth to his ear and whisper. “That was fucking hot.” I lean back again, run my fingers along his arms, and watch his reaction to my words. “I love this new side of you, so commanding. Telling me to wait for you. It's so hot, Kurt.”

Even with our skins being all pink from the heat of the warm shower, I can see how he blushes, like he’s not really all that comfortable with this side of himself. That is something we have to work on. Later.

I turn off the water and grab two towels from the rack just outside the shower. I wrap Kurt up in one and myself in the other. “Thank you,” Kurt says, “and not just for the towel.”

I run my hands up and down the towel to dry him off. Then I use my own towel to dry his hair. He looks a little different with his hair all flat against his head and not with his usual volume, but it’s definitely not for the worse. Kurt could never look bad. I get up on my toes and kiss his forehead, before I lean my forehead against his. “Thank _you_.” 

The kiss that follows is slow and sweet - nothing like the heated, desperate ones we shared before. That does not mean it lacks passion. On the contrary, it’s sensual and sexy and so, so intense. When we part, I’m left breathless. It shouldn’t really surprise me, Kurt has always left me breathless.

Out of the warm shower, I can feel my skin prickling from the cool air. “Let’s get into bed,” I suggest, to which Kurt’s stomach answers with a loud growl. We didn’t finish our dinner. We had to rush out of the restaurant, leaving food still on our plates. “Or maybe we should get something to eat?”

“Do I have to choose? Both sound equally appealing.”

“Eat in bed?” I suggest to which I’m rewarded a big grin from Kurt.

I dry myself off too, and then I look at the discarded pile of clothes lying on the floor, and it strikes me that we really rushed into this, this first, heated release, without much talking. I know that we are good, but there are still some things we need to talk about now that we have gotten that first lust-filled tension out of our systems. Eat and talk in bed it is.

We pick up our suits from the floor, and we place them on hangers that I get from my wardrobe, so that they can dry off. I’m worried that Kurt’s suit will be ruined from the rain, but he claims it can be dry-cleaned, or he’ll just make a new one. I’m not so worried about my own, but Kurt’s is handmade and so beautiful, and I would hate for it to get ruined. 

I find Kurt a pair of pajama pants and a worn t-shirt in my drawer. I also offer him a pair of boxers since his are wet along with our other clothes, but he just gives me a sly look and puts on the pants, ignoring the boxers. I follow his example and put on a pair of sweats and a tank top. I take his hand, unwilling to not have some part of him touching me, and lead him down the stairs to the kitchen.

I don’t have much to offer but manage to pull out some bread, peanut butter and jelly. I apologize for not having anything else to feed him with, but he says it’s perfect, after all we did start our friendship over a PB & J sandwich. When I stand by the counter preparing them, he comes to stand behind me and wraps his arm around me. He leans his chin against my shoulder, “I’m glad we’re doing this.”

“Eating sandwiches?” I ask, knowing what he means but feeling like teasing.

“No, silly,” he says and pinches my arm. “This, us.” He continues and squeezes me a little tighter.

“Me too.” I tilt my head slightly so that I can give his lips a peck. “But I think we need to talk…”

Kurt groans. “Do we have to tonight? I need to get up for work in like four hours. Can’t we just eat, and then go to sleep and talk tomorrow?”

I feel a sting of disappointment, both from learning he’s leaving me so soon and from realizing that his promise to make love to me won’t be happening tonight. “Do you have to? Can’t you call in sick?”

“No, Blaine, we’re not kids anymore. I have responsibilities now. I can’t just not show up at work.”

“I think they can manage without you for one day.” I turn around then and press my lower body against his to make my next argument extra visual. “You have responsibilities towards me too now, and I believe you promised me you would make love to me.” I thrust my hip towards his one more time.

“I said later. I didn’t say when,” Kurt comments, but I can feel his resistance crumble.

“I’m just saying that one of your options for how to spend the day tomorrow is at work. The other is spending the day with me in bed. And if you choose the second option, there will be hands and mouths and lube involved.” This time I slide one hand inside his pajama pants and squeeze his naked ass.

Kurt groans and lets his head fall to my shoulder. That’s when I know I have him and that this conversation is over. I lift him up and place him on the counter behind me, swiping away plates and jam and bread with my arm before I set him down. Kurt moans into the kiss we’re sharing. His fingers lace through my hair as he wraps his legs around my waist.

“I really need to eat before we continue,” Kurt says when he breaks the kiss.

“That’s fair enough,” I tell him, “I don’t want to be responsible for you passing out from all the amazing sex we’re going to have because you’re famished because I didn’t feed you. Come on.” I take his hand in mine as he jumps off the counter. I then take the plate with sandwiches in the other. I lead him towards the couch in the living room, thinking that if we’re in bed I won’t be able to keep my hands away from him.

I end up sitting at the corner of one of the couches with Kurt between my legs and the plate of sandwiches on his lap. After sating the initial hunger, Kurt asks me how big this place is. I have noticed him looking around the living room while eating.

“I don’t know.”

“How can you not know that?” Kurt asks with mock dismay.

“Because I don’t really care? I don’t really like it here. It’s just somewhere I keep my stuff.”

“ _Blaine Devon Anderson!_ ” Kurt says with real dismay this time. “You have this amazing place, and by the way, why I have we been in my crappy apartment when we could have been here? And you just see it as somewhere to store your things?”

“It’s too big and too impersonal. It’s never felt like home. It’s too empty…” What I mean to say is that it’s always felt like something was missing.

“Well that we have to change. You’re lucky that your boyfriend likes interior design almost as much as he likes designing clothes,” Kurt says. I hear the pleased tone in his voice, and I can imagine the remodeling thoughts flying through his mind.

There’s only one thing flying around in my head, one word actually.

“Boyfriend?” I ask.

“Yes, boyfriend.” Kurt says and takes my hand and moves it to his lips to place a light kiss on it. I can hear the smile in his voice even though I can’t see his face. “Don’t get all mushy on me now because I used that word.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I say, but I feel all mushy inside. Kurt is my boyfriend, and everything is right in the world. “But with that said, I would like to ask you something.”

“Uh-uh, that sounds foreboding. Are you sure we need to do this at two o’clock in the morning?”

“I know it’s late, but we have all day to sleep tomorrow right?”

“I thought we were using mouths and lube tomorrow.” Kurt says teasingly, and God, how I have missed this - bantering with Kurt.

“Shoot, that’s a tough choice,” I say with a mischievous smile.

Kurt sits up to place the plate on the table beside the couch. He then leans back, scoots down a little bit, and rests his head on my chest. “What do you want to ask?” 

I take a moment to place a kiss on his hair, slide my hands down his arms before I rest them leisurely on his chest. His hands immediately come up to rest on top of mine. “What made you hesitate about me? About us? Besides from the obvious? You said you needed time to figure things out, what were you thinking about?”

“I think I was just scared. Scared of so many things,” Kurt starts, and his fingers trace small patterns on the top of my hands. “You say you love me, but you don’t really know me anymore. I’m not the same person I was in high school. I guess I was scared that you wouldn’t love the me that I am now. I’m still scared of that.”

“That could never happen,” I reassure him. “I told you, I have always loved you, and I always will no matter who you think you are. You’re always Kurt to me.”

“And I’m scared of the man you have become, and what if we’re not compatible anymore? What if we go through all this to be together again, and we don’t fit? I was scared of leaving something safe and throw myself into the unknown.”

“I’m not unknown territory, Kurt”

“But you kind of are though, Blaine… You’ve grown into this man with a dark side that I can’t quite understand. You have cut everyone from your past out of your life. You cut me out, and I was scared that if things got rough, it would happen again. I was scared that after everything, I would end up lonely and alone, wondering how I didn’t see it coming. I was scared of loving you. What if we weren’t right for each other? What if we hurt each other? I can’t go through that again, Blaine. I can’t be miserable for years on years one more time. I just can’t. What if we only think that we need each other because the only time we were truly alright was when we were together?”

His words are painful because there is so much doubt in me. _In us_. There’s so much possible hurt and heartache, and I made him feel all those things by reintroducing myself into his life. But all his words are in the past tense. “What made you decide that you wanted this despite of all your fears?”

“Because it’s the only thing that makes sense. I can’t picture my future without you in it. And even if we end up not working out, I couldn’t live with myself if I at least didn’t try.” He turns around so that we’re facing each other, and then he looks me straight in the eyes, his thick eyelashes batting over his calm blue eyes. “Because if I’m being truly honest, in the past five years there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t wanted us to end up like this.”

I lift my head from where it’s resting on the cushion and meet his lips. “Do you still have any concerns?” 

“Some… It feels right for now, but what if after the initial flame has cooled down, we realize we’re not right, and we end up picking fights. What if it’s only physical?”

I frown because that is as far from my truth as is possible. ”Is that really what you think this is?”

“What we just did up there,” he says and cocks his head towards the stair, “doesn’t prove that theory wrong. We just went from zero to everything - eagerly wanting to get each other off - without even talking this through first,” Kurt says to prove a point, ”but no, I don’t think this is only physical.”

“Good, because I think what we just did was something that needed to be done before we could have this talk. I think sexual tension would have made this conversation a lot less real and a whole lot more desperate to find the right words to make sure we would end up in bed eventually.”

“Don’t you have any concerns about us picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together again?”

“Maybe I should, but I don’t think we’re all that different. Sure, we might look a little different. We might have grown into our own skin a little more. We might be harboring some war scars, and yes, a lot of water has passed under the bridge; but underneath that, you’re still you, and I’m still the guy who fell so desperately in love with you five years ago. I’m still falling, Kurt. Helplessly and uncontrollably. Picking up broken pieces and putting them back together is something I can do even if it sometimes will be difficult and hurt a lot. Being without you – that is something I can’t do.”

“Baby…” Kurt says, and his voice is so soft, almost broken, and his eyes look so sad. But I’m not sad. I’m happier than I have been in years.

“No, no, don’t. We’re good, remember. We’re here, and we’re finally together, there’s no reason to be sad.”

“I just thought of all the years we’ve lost being stupid,” Kurt says and rests his cheek against my chest. 

“I know... But I think we needed to be apart to become the persons we are today and I don’t believe we could have become that staying together. Maybe we would have been less cynical if we didn’t break up, but I kind of like the persons we are today. You’re so much more confident now. You’re not afraid to speak up for yourself, and that’s good. As for myself, I might be a wreck, but I’m not scared of who I am anymore. I’m proud to be yours and to call you mine. I think it’s time we let the go of the past, there’s nothing we can do to change it. We just have to learn from it so that we don’t make the same mistakes again.” I pause for a second to inhale and restart. “And you don’t have to be scared of me shutting you out again. That was my biggest mistake, and I promise you, I will never do it again. Never.”

“That’s a big promise,” Kurt says.

“One that I intend to keep.” 

“I love you, Blaine,” Kurt says, and it comes out almost as a whisper, his voice filled with all the emotions he carries.

“I love you, too.”

“Enough to carry me up to your bed?” He looks up again, hopeful puppy dog eyes staring at me.

“Well, I don’t know about that…” I say, and Kurt frowns to show his dislike. His pout makes me laugh, which makes him pinch me. “Okay, okay, I’ll carry you,” I say and try to move his hands. I’m glad we were able get through this conversation, which was so needed for us to start over, and still come out in love and able to be silly.

In one swift move, I manage to stand up and sweep him into my arms. Kurt laughs in surprise as I carry him towards the stairs. He’s heavier than I expected, and carrying him up the stairs proves to be a difficult task where I end up tripping and almost dropping him.

“I appreciate the romantic gesture,” Kurt giggles, “but I actually like being alive. It’s okay to set me down.”

“No, no,” I huff out. “You wanted to be carried to bed, and I am to please you.”

“Oh, I’m looking forward to _that_ ,” Kurt says and winks.

I carry him the rest of the way (grateful for the muscles gained from attacking the punching bag so many times) and set him down gracefully on the bed, or at least as gracefully as is possible at 2.30 in the morning when you’re kind of exhausted.

After a few kisses, we decide to be responsible adults and brush our teeth before we get into bed. I find a spare toothbrush in a drawer and hand it to Kurt. I amuse myself with placing toothpaste filled kisses on his cheeks throughout the teeth brushing. Kurt gets his revenge when he French kisses me, mouth full of toothpaste, after I have rinsed. 

Everything is so relaxed, and I’m so stupidly happy in love. I can’t keep my hands away from him, needing the constant body contact to reassure myself that this isn’t a dream. Kurt groans a little at the lack of facial products in my bathroom, muttering something about _do you know how bad it is for your skin to not moisturize_ and a promise to introduce me to the world of skin care. I effectively shut him up by kissing him and backing him out of the bathroom.

The bedroom is dark with only the dim light from the streetlights outside lighting it up. Rain is still pouring down outside, making a splattering sound as it hits the window. We stop by the short side of the bed, still kissing, and let our bodies do the talking. From here on Kurt takes command, and I willingly let him. There’s a deep satisfaction in me knowing that Kurt wants this, he wants me, and he wants to make love to me.

His fingers find their way under my tank top, which is soon discarded onto the floor, and he hums into the kiss as he trails his fingers up my abs and over my pecs. Soon his lips are following his fingers’ path in a reverse trail. His tongue flicks across one of my nipples and then the other, and oh it feels so good. He places small kisses all the way down to the waistline of my sweats. With one swift tug he pulls them down to the floor, and then my cock is in his mouth before I can even register what’s happening.

He sucks and swirls his tongue in all the right ways, and it’s the best blowjob I’ve had in five years. He knows all the tricks to make my legs shaky, and I just feel so… overwhelmed. I can’t help thinking about the things that led us to ending up here and how easily it could have ended completely different. _What if I never walked into the Flying Duck that night when I first saw him?_ What if he hadn’t showed up? It was all on a whim. We might never have met, and I would still be lonely and miserable, and Kurt would still be with Rafi… _What if he hadn’t forgiven me?_ What if he had decided it wasn’t worth it, that it was too late…

I can’t stop the tears that not only threaten to spill, but are slowly running down my cheeks. I’m not sad, not really. I’m just… overwhelmed. And grateful. So, so grateful that we are here, together now, and that I get to tell him I love him and hear him say I love you in return.

“Hey,” Kurt says softly, standing in front of me, wiping away my tears with his thumbs, “what’s wrong?” He’s worried, and now I feel stupid. I don’t want him to worry, not when there’s nothing wrong, not really.

“Nothing,” I tell him. “Really, it’s nothing.” I add when he gives me _that_ look.

“ _Blaine_ ,” he says with a voice that is clearly telling me not to bullshit him.

I lean in to kiss him. “I’m just a little overwhelmed with everything that’s happened to today, and maybe a little tired too. There’s been a lot of tension today…”

“I know… the restaurant and the High Line was probably a little too much. I should have just told you instead of trying to make it into some grand memorable thing. I always tend to go overboard when it comes to romance.” I want to wipe away the sad look on his face. I don’t want to destroy the moment with tears and second thoughts.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I loved singing for you, and I loved the High Line. It was very romantic. And it’s who you are, you’re all about romance and grand romantic gestures, so please don’t be sorry. You went through all that trouble for me, and it makes me feel very special.”

“You are so special to me, Blaine. I hope you know that.”

It’s hard to grasp that you can mean so much to another person. Especially when that person means everything to you. _How did I end up being so lucky?_ I wrap my arms around him. I wish we could stay like this forever, just him and me, in love, with the rest of the world so far, far away. 

I kiss him deeply and passionately, hoping the kiss conveys all I feel for him. I take his hand and lead him around to the side of the bed. I strip him off his clothes and pull away the covers. We crawl into bed together, and for a few moments, we just lie there and hold each other while looking into each other’s eyes. But then the desire and need grow too big. Wanting to touch and wanting to feel, needing to be close, closer than just bodies pressed together. 

A lube bottle and a condom are quickly pulled from my bedside drawer, and within minutes a lube slicked finger is pushing at my hole, slowly working its way in. He’s gentle and attentive and listens to the sounds I’m making. He knows when to add a second finger, knows when I need it. It’s good, and I feel loved and safe and taken care of in a way I haven’t felt for so long.

I wonder what I’ve been doing all these years apart from him. All the sex I’ve had, it’s never been like this. Never. I wonder why I did it. _Why would I give my body to someone that meant nothing to me, when I could have had this all along?_ I’ve never let anyone else be inside me. I’ve always been on top. I’ve never been able to give myself so completely to someone else because no one has been important enough for me to trust them with that intimacy. Right now I’m grateful for that. This experience is mine and Kurt’s only.

Kurt’s fingers flick over that spot, and I cry out his name. I’m a mess under his touch, and he knows just the ways to make me fall apart. He pulls out his fingers, and somewhere in my lust filled haze, I hear a condom wrapper being torn, and then he’s there, right where I need him to be. It burns (because yes, it has been five years), but I don’t care. The pain doesn’t scare me anymore. I know that within seconds the burning feeling will be replaced with pure pleasure.

When he bottoms out, he leans in to kiss me. I feel full, and it’s such a good feeling. It makes me feel complete. Then Kurt starts moving his hips slowly, dragging out and pushing in, and I’m gone. I thrash and whimper underneath him. Wanting him to speed up his motions, wanting him to go as slow as possible. Wanting him to never stop.

“Kurt, oh God, _Kurt!_ ”

Kurt moans and starts thrusting harder and faster into me, and it’s all so good. He sits up slightly and pushes my legs up. I grab hold of my knees, and let Kurt thrust into me. The new angle makes him hit my prostate with each thrust. I had forgotten that sex could be like this. So revolutionary and earthshaking and so… so intimate.

Kurt’s moves ease, and his pace becomes slow and steady, his gaze is steadily on me as he slows it down, staggering his rhythm into sudden strong thrusts that make me cry out his name every time. Kurt just watches, taking me in as I fall apart, over and over. In between kisses that linger, I gasp into Kurt’s mouth with each sharp push. When my legs starts to hurt, I let go and wrap them around his thighs to anchor him there, inside of me.

Kurt moans, “Blaine, I _want_ you.”

“I’m here,” I tell him but I know it’s not about the sex. The sex is amazing, but it’s not enough. He _wants_ me. All of me, and I want to give all of me to him.

"Please, please," Kurt gasps, and I pull him closer. I give up on kissing and watching, and press my face against his.

Kurt moans my name, "Blaine, God, Blaine" Suddenly his hips stutter, and then he's groaning out his orgasm against my ear. I _feel_ him, feel him swell, and his rhythm becomes irregular and broken, and I’m so close, I desperately want to tip over, to come with him, but it's not enough. I’m not there yet, so while Kurt pushes into me in long, shuddering, desperate thrusts, I shove a hand between us to stroke own dick.

"Yes, _yes_ ," Kurt groans, and before he is finished riding out his climax, I growl and spill between us, clenching down around Kurt's barely softening cock, and God, there, _yes!_ Kurt's breath catches as he looks at me for a second, and then he's kissing me through it.

Afterwards, after Kurt has cleaned us up, and we’re lying together with the covers pulled up around us, Kurt places his hand on my heart. I can feel it beating underneath his touch. I think about how much love there is in there, how well kept it’s been inside underneath layers of skin and clothes and protective walls. Knowing that I don’t have to keep it safe in there anymore, that it’s safe to let it out, to let the guard down, is freeing.

I kiss the crook of his neck one last time and wrap my arms around him. Exhausted and totally spent, I fall asleep within seconds after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, right? I hope you liked this chapter as much as I do :)
> 
> As always, a big thank you and all of my hugs to roxymusicandlayers for all the time and effort you put in to making this better. You are truly the best!


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why are you all trying to make me sad by talking about this ending...? This isn't ending... ;)

**Kurt, Monday September 25th 2017, 7.30 am**

The first time I wake up, it’s because of my alarm going off. I had the sanity enough to set it before we went to sleep, knowing that I needed to call Cassandra and somehow ask or beg her to give me the day off. At 7.30 I know she’s not in the office, because come on, who is? But I expect her to be up, and if she demands my presence, I will have enough time to get ready and show up at nine.

Leaving Blaine, even for hopefully only a few minutes, isn’t easy. His strong arm is holding me tight, and he grunts disapprovingly when I slip out of his grasp. I tiptoe out of the room to make the call. We’ve been sleeping for three or four hours, and I don’t want to wake him. Hopefully I can make this call and then crawl back into bed without him even noticing I was gone.

I decide to tell Cassandra the truth. She knows most of my history with Blaine. I’ve been working late every night the last two weeks because working meant not having time to think about decisions I didn’t know how to make. One night last week she asked me if something had happened because I’m not usually the one who turns out the light every night. I told her about Blaine, about our past and our present, about my doubts, and about my fears. She held my while I cried and told me that life is never what you expect it to be, but you have to embrace it and learn to accept it. Now she tells me to go back to bed, and that she’ll see me tomorrow.

When I soundlessly close the door behind me and slip into the bedroom again, I’m met with the most wonderful sight. Blaine is laying naked on his stomach, the covers slipped down onto the floor, with his arms stretched out across the bed. My eyes immediately go to his ass and his back. When did he get so well-toned? Even when he’s sleeping, the well-defined muscles of his back are clearly visible. He’s snoring lightly, and it’s the most adorable sound I’ve ever heard. I pull the covers back over him and snuggle in close. I listen to his snoring mixed with the light rain falling on the window for a few seconds before I fall back to sleep.

The second time I wake up, it’s because of the angry, non-stopping ringing sound coming from Blaine’s phone. I have no idea how Blaine can sleep through that hellish sound, but apparently he has no problem with it. I nudge him not once, not twice, but three times before I get any kind of response from him. That response being a grunt and a tighter grip around my body.

“Baby,” I say and kiss him softly. He chases after my lips and kisses me with more intensity than I thought was possible from someone half asleep. “Your phone is ringing, baby.”

“Make it stop,” he breathes against my lips.

“I can’t, it’s your phone.”

“I don’t care, make it stop.”

I reach over him and take his phone from the nightstand. The phone is still ringing when I lie back down again, and Blaine nuzzles in closer to me, attacking my neck with his lips and tongue, licking and nibbling at the skin just below my ear. My whole body hums with excitement, reacting strangely strong and fast to his wicked tongue.

“It’s Jeff,” I moan because his hand just reached down between my legs.

“Ignore it. He’ll call again if it’s important,” Blaine says while stroking me.

I would so much like to ignore it and just give in to Blaine’s touch, but I can’t. “He has already called you seven times. I think that qualifies as important.”

Blaine grunts, but then rolls over so that he’s lying on top of me, takes his phone, and places it on the nightstand again with no intent of looking at it or answer the call. He places kisses all the way from my ear, across my jawline until his lips find mine. Once there, he attacks my lips and kisses me with such hunger that I’m left breathless. All while grinding down on me, making me so incredibly turned on. I grab his ass and thrust back, moaning into his kisses, and thinking that there could be worse ways to wake up. A lot worse.

Blaine’s phone rings again.

Blaine ignores it, and keeps kissing and grinding, making me feel so good and bringing me closer to the edge. 

I hate myself for not being able to just let it go.

“It’s probably important…(kiss) Blaine… (kiss) you should… (kiss) answer… (kiss).”

“It’s not important,” Blaine says, moving his kisses down my chest. “I know Jeff, right now he’s just pissed that I’m not answering.” His kisses transferring from my nipples to my belly button, where he stops to lick. And Oh my God, I know where this is heading. I grind my dick against his chest, showing him that I’m totally up for this game.

“ _Blaine…_ ” I moan as his tongue licks a trail further south.

“And just to prove that too you, I’m going to answer and tell him to stop harassing me, and then I’m going to take care of you the way you deserve.” The last part is said with a soft tone to his voice, and I feel my whole body respond to his words. Every nerve end is on fire, and it feels ridiculous to be this turned on by so little.

“Okay...” I breathe out in a short, shaky breath and watch as he licks the top of my cock in the most teasingly manner and then rolls off of me and reaches for his phone.

I hear him answer even though I don’t pay attention to what he is saying. My body is humming with arousal and anticipation, and I just want, no _need_ , Blaine to get off that damn phone and return to me.

It takes a few seconds longer than it should for me to register that something isn’t right. Blaine voice is upset and angry, but also scared I think. He pulls the cover off and walks over to the window in four rapid steps. I register that it isn’t raining anymore before I register what Blaine is saying.

“Fuck!” Blaine hisses angrily. “Yes, I can see the paparazzi outside.” He pulls the curtains, that we never bothered to close yesterday, to shield the window. “Shit… Fuck!” … “No, I had no idea.” … “How should I have anticipated this?” … “Stop yelling at me, this is not my fucking fault!” … “No I’m not coming in today, I’m not going anywhere!”

Blaine starts to pace back and forth in the room. I want to get up from the bed and see what’s happening outside the window, but sense that the best thing for me to do right now is to just lay still in bed and wait for Blaine to finish his phone call. His harsh voice scares me, and the mentioning of paparazzi throws me off guard. I pull the cover close to my body as though the paparazzi can see me up here on the fifth floor with the curtains pulled. _What if they’re using lenses with long range zooms?_ Shit, what images could they have gotten from this morning??

I know it’s ridiculous, because what are the odds really, but I see myself having to explain those pictures to my dad. And _that_ is not a conversation I want to have.

“ _Fine!_ Give me an hour.” I hear Blaine say as he ends the call.

All previous thoughts about good morning blowjobs are now completely vanished. I sit up against the headboard and look at Blaine. I wait for him to explain what’s going on, but he’s either too upset or too lost in his own thoughts to acknowledge my presence. He has stopped by the foot of the bed and for a few seconds, he just stands there and stares into space. Then he sits down on the bed and buries his head in his hands as he grumbles some obscenities. 

I push away the cover, ignoring the paparazzi that can’t see us anyway, and make my way over to him. I wrap my arms around him and lean my chin on his shoulder. “What’s wrong, Blaine?”

He flinches slightly at my touch, but I choose to ignore that, and instead try to focus on finding out what has gotten him this upset. But when he shrugs free from my embrace and stands up with the words, “Where the fuck is my iPad?”, I can’t help the stinging feeling in my chest.

“Blaine?” I try again. “What’s happening? Talk to me.” I’m probably sounding more begging and needing than I want to, but I have to find out what the hell is happening. I’m not letting him shut me out again.

Blaine leaves the room without answering me. I hear him run down the stairs and then return again a few minutes later, this time with an iPad in his hand.

“Blaine?” I try again, “You’re scaring me right now.” I don’t want to, but I can’t help the tears that are stinging in my eyes.

That seems to snap him out of whatever trance he was in. He finally looks up at me, and whatever it is he sees, it appears to scare him. He quickly drops the iPad on the bed and wraps me up in his arms.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry Kurt. I didn’t mean to ignore you. It’s just, things have gone a little crazy.” Blaine kisses me on the mouth and just holds me tight. “I’m sorry,” he repeats.

I still don’t understand what’s happening, but feel a little more at ease now that he acknowledges my presence. “What’s going on? I don’t understand…”

“Do you remember what happened outside of the restaurant last night? Well, seems that was just the tip of the iceberg. Apparently it all blew up on social media, and now everyone is talking about my emotional performance, speculating about who my secret crush is, and if this now means that I’m off the market. The paparazzi are outside hoping to get a picture of you, so that they can figure out who you are.” Blaine says as he holds me even tighter. “They all want to know who you are, and I’m so sorry, Kurt.” Then he begins to blame himself. “I should have known this would happen. I can’t believe I was that reckless. Fuck! I should never have gotten up and sung…” And then it’s like he remembers that I’m still there, and he becomes remorseful again. “I don’t mean that I regret anything that happened last night. Don’t think that, Kurt. I would do it all again if it would mean I would end up here with you.”

He’s panicking, and he’s so stressed he’s rambling. “Blaine, it’s okay,” I tell him. I grab his upper arms with both of my hands, to steady him and to pull him back to the here and now. Here and now is safe. It’s just him and me. I force him to look at me. “It’s okay,” I tell him again, “breathe, okay?”

Blaine takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Should we look and see what the damage is?” I say and cock my head towards the iPad. 

“No, it’s bad. I know it. There’s going to be so many wrong speculations, and so many mean comments. You have no idea. I don’t want to put you through that,” Blaine says.

“I can handle it, Blaine. I know what they will write. It’s okay.”

“No, you have no idea. There are some people out there that are going to be so mean and vicious towards you. They’re gonna say you only want me for the fame or the money or whatever they can come up with, and if they find out who you are… Are your social media accounts private? Because they’re gonna find out, and they’re gonna send you so much hate, Kurt.”

“I know what they write because I also follow your Twitter and Instagram and Facebook. I also know that that stuff isn’t real, and I don’t care if they call me fat or ugly or a famewhore or whatever. You know why? Because they don’t know us. They don’t know what we have. This thing,” I say and point between the two of us, “it’s real, right?”

“Oh, it’s _so_ real, Kurt,” Blaine says and gives me a kiss so hot and passionate, it leaves me speechless.

“Oh… so, yeah… what was I saying?” I say, fanning my face with my hand as I feel my cheeks heat.

“You’re following me on Twitter and Instagram?” Blaine says in a smug voice, trying to hide the giggle my reaction to his kiss brought out in him.

“And Facebook,” I add. “I had to keep track of you, and that was kind of the only way.”

“But I don’t have a Kurt Hummel following me. Believe me, I would know if I did.”

“But you do have a Kenny Hart.”

Blaine begins to laugh. “Oh my God, that's you?” I nod in affirmation. “I remember that name because he always left the funniest comments.”

“I’m glad you noticed. I wasn’t sure since you never answer to any of your fans. There’s a lot to improve there,” I say in a feigned disapproval.

“Hey, I’ve gotten better!” Blaine says defensively, but can’t help the laughter rolling out of him. But then he suddenly becomes serious again. “You’re sure you wanna watch the damage together?”

“Yes.”

We sit in bed, leaning against the headboard, and Blaine opens his iPad. I soon take my phone from the nightstand, and while Blaine checks social media, I check the gossip sights. I notice a few missed calls and some texts and DMs, but I ignore them for now. Right now I need to focus on the task at hand. It’s strange to read because when I’m with him, I forget that he’s famous, and that things happening in his private life are deemed newsworthy. I guess it’s something I have to start getting used to.

The reactions are mixed, but they’re all one variety of three different attitudes. Some sites describe Blaine’s performance as a romantic declaration of love to his secret boyfriend, calling it unexpected since Blaine has never been paired with anyone but sweet and exciting. Some call it a PR stunt to get people talking about him again after his summer tour, claiming that it’s been too quiet around him, and that this publicity trick is too well-timed with the upcoming Grammy nominations. Yet some call it an unnecessary and tedious way announce a partner.

They all have one thing in common though. The burning desire to find out my identity. Apparently. no one at the restaurant yesterday managed to get a clear photo of me or of us together. The one that exists is so blurry and from behind that there’s no way of telling that that’s me. Even I can’t say that it’s me in that picture.

“How does it look?” I ask Blaine and watch him scroll through Twitter comments on some of the nastiest gossip sites.

“As expected,” Blaine says without giving any details, and honestly I don’t need to know the exact wording to know what they say. “And you?”

“It’s either a very romantic gesture or a PR trick to get attention.” I tell him. “But on the bright side, the ones who think it’s romantic overweigh the negative ones.”

Blaine sighs and closes his eyes. “I’m really sorry, Kurt. I didn’t mean to drag you into this. It’s understandable if you want to change your mind about this and go back to being friends, or nothing. I wouldn’t hold it against you.”

Sure this isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I decided to get back together with him again, but I kind of brought it on myself by mentioning the whole part about him singing to me in a restaurant full with people whose words you can’t control. The funny thing is though, I don’t regret it. No matter what they speculate or write, there’s nothing that’s going to diminish my want for him. I have loved him and missed him for so many years, and it would take a force much greater than some vicious online comments to make me walk away from him now.

“There’s nothing they could write that would make me want to turn my back on you, and this thing we share. I love you, Blaine, and I mean that. _This is real_. This is my life, and yours, and I’m not letting anybody but you and me decide how we are going to live it.”

“ _Kurt_ ,” Blaine says, his voice soft with love and admiration. He drags me in for a kiss, the iPad awkwardly stuck between us, but neither of us caring. The kiss soon becomes heated, and I shove the iPad aside so that I can roll on top of him, glad that we’re still naked so that I can feel all of him against all of me. I lick and moan into his mouth while rubbing myself against him. Who cares about anonymous comments or gossip or even paparazzi when you can have amazing sex instead.

Blaine, however, breaks the kiss far too soon for my liking. The look in his eyes is full with remorse. “I hate to do this, but I have to be somewhere else in like 30 minutes.”

I groan in frustration. It’s the second time he gets me turned on only to leave me hanging (okay, the second time might be my own doing, but he’s still the one who calls it off). I close my eyes, trying to not sound as disappointed as I feel. “No… Why?”

“With everything that’s happened, they demand that I show up at the record label to talk about the consequences if you break a clause in your contract. Or two.”

“What?” I say not understanding what he means. “What clause is that?”

“The clause that says I can’t perform in public places without pre-approval from the record label. And the clause that says I can’t have boyfriend that isn’t pre-approved.”

I frown. The first one I can understand, but the second one sounds kind of stupid. 

“This is not how I wanted this morning to start,” Blaine sighs. “I wanted to wake you up with kisses and maybe a blowjob,” he manages to smile sweetly and wickedly at the same time, “then I would make you breakfast, and we would hang out all day and make love and kiss and eat and then repeat.”

“We can still do that another time. I’m not going anywhere,” I say even though I actually hate that he has to leave.

“Wait, shouldn’t you be at work by now?”

“I thought you said they could manage without me for one day, so I called my boss and told her that my hot new/old boyfriend demanded my presence today.”

Blaine groans. “You took the day off for me? Now I feel even worse for leaving you. I’m so sorry Kurt…”

“Stop saying that. It is what it is. I understand why you have to leave. Do I wish that you didn’t? Yes, but this is your career, you can’t risk it. Besides I feel like it’s my fault for bringing up that stupid idea of you singing yesterday.”

“I remember you trying to stop me, and me getting up there of my own free will,” Blaine says and drags me in for a kiss. The kiss, again, leaves me wanting more.

I grind down on him, and get the desired reaction when his hands clamp my ass and pull me closer. “I can be super fast,” I tell him, and God knows how true that is - I’ve been close enough several times already this morning.

“I’m already late...” Blaine groans in frustration.

“Then five more minutes won’t make a difference.” I look down at him and from the look in his eyes, I know he will give in before he says the words. He closes his eyes and moans into another kiss.

I lean back a little bit and take both of our cocks in my hand, pre-cum already leaking from mine, and start to stroke them both together.

True to my words, five minutes later we’re both lying spent next to each other with Blaine’s stomach neatly decorated with our cum.

“I need to shower,” Blaine grunts as he reluctantly gets out of bed. He swipes his stomach with the tank top he was wearing yesterday, and then he leans over me. Just when I think he’s about to kiss me he stops, just an inch above my lips. “Would it be rude of me to ask you to make coffee for me?”

“Yes, it would,” I tell him and swat his naked ass as I motion for him to move so that I can get up from bed as well. “But I need coffee, too, so it’s your lucky day. Besides, I did make you five minutes late,” I add with a smirk.

“You’ll find the coffee in the cupboard above the coffeemaker,” Blaine says over his shoulders as he disappears into the bathroom.

I dress myself in the same pajama pants and t-shirt that I borrowed yesterday, hoping Blaine won’t mind. I glance at myself in Blaine’s full-length mirror. The reflection that meets me is of a person with extremely bad bed hair, strands sticking out in every direction, but also that of someone who can’t stop grinning. Last night was everything I dreamed it would be. I finally told Blaine that I love him and in one of my favorite places in New York. 

The High Line has always been a special place to me. I’ve spent many hours wandering the High Line, thinking about life and love and friends and family. I’ve shed a lot of tears there on lonely evenings but also a lot of laughter with friends. I’ve spent many hours with my sketch pad there, drawing designs but also just drawing whatever comes to mind, finding inspiration in the people passing by. Taking Blaine there and making him part of that special place seemed only right. It felt like by telling him I love him there, I could erase all the miserable times spent there crying over him, let them go, and move forward. 

I decide to forget about the hair, Blaine has already seen me, and he didn’t seem to mind. It’s unusual for me to be this careless, yes, but I’ll fix it before I step outside later. Besides I really do need that cup of coffee.

I hear the water running in the shower as I leave the room and pad barefooted down the stairs, across the living room and into the kitchen. I can’t believe Blaine lives in a place like this. It’s so big, and so not at all where I pictured he would end up. I would have thought it more likely him living in a place in the Village or something more artsy at least. This feels so grown up. I don’t even want to start thinking about how much this place cost him… 

When I enter the kitchen, I almost scream out in surprise when I see a short, black-haired woman standing there taking care of what I assume is our dishes from last night. _Who is she? What is she doing here?_

I must have screamed or let out some sound because she turns around and looks at me. From the surprised look on her face, I’m obviously not who she expected to see. She looks at me from top to toe, her eyes a big question mark. My hand goes subconsciously to my hair, and I run my fingers through it as if that would make a difference.

“Who are you?” I ask, hoping to God she’s not some crazy journalist who has managed to find her way in here despite the front desk and the locked door (did we lock the door yesterday?).

“Who are _you?_ ” She asks in return with a Spanish accent. “Mr. Blaine never mentioned someone coming. I would have prepared the guest room.”

“Mr. Blaine, I mean Blaine, wasn’t expecting me,” I tell her, baffled by the fact that she’s calling him _Mr. Blaine_ , and that she seems so familiar with this place and his life.

“Aha, did you find everything you needed? Mr. Blaine doesn’t really know where he keeps his things.”

“Well, actually-“ No wait, why am I about to tell this stranger about our sleeping arrangements? I don’t know who she is yet. “Yes. Yes, we did.”

“Good,” she says. “How long are you staying? Maybe I need to do some more shopping.”

“Ehh… I don’t know…” I say feeling more confused by the minute. “Who are you again?”

She doesn’t answer my question, she just turns around and continues with the dishes. “Do you like eggs for breakfast?”

Again, _who is this woman?_ Thankfully, I hear Blaine’s footsteps coming down the stairs. “Blaine?” I call for him.

“Yes?” he says and sneaks up behind me and places a kiss on my neck. I push him aside and cock my head towards the woman, then I give him a questioning look. “Oh, shit! I forgot it’s Monday!”

“You always do, Mr. Blaine,” the woman says with a fondness in her voice that wasn’t there before.

Blaine chuckles at her comment. At least he doesn’t seem alarmed that this woman, whose identity is still a mystery to me, is standing in his kitchen doing his dishes. “Kurt, this is Maria. She comes in and cleans my apartment on Mondays and also makes sure I have enough food stored in my fridge.”

“There always is, you eat too little, Mr. Blaine,” she tells him with warm affection, almost with motherly concern.

“Maria, this is Kurt,” he says, effectively ignoring her comment, and gestures towards me. “My boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” Maria coos and then she eyes me from head to toe again. “He looks a little ruffled, Mr. Blaine. I see you didn’t need an extra pair of linens.”

I blush immensely at her bold comment, but Blaine only laughs and makes his way over to the coffee machine, which I have completely forgotten I was supposed to use. “No, we didn’t.” 

I’m too embarrassed to say anything while Maria is still in the kitchen, but she soon excuses herself and leaves the room.

“You have a housekeeper?”

“Not really a housekeeper. Maria just comes and cleans once a week. I hate cleaning, besides she does it for everyone in the building, so it kind of comes with the apartment,” Blaine explains.

“You seem very friendly with her.”

“I think she likes to take care of me. Her children are still in Costa Rica. She misses them a lot, and I think she puts some of her affection on me instead. I haven’t really been good at taking care of myself, so I’ve kind of let her.”

“That’s so sweet.” Now that the initial shock has subsided, I can see that Maria needs Blaine as a substitute for her children just as much as Blaine needs Maria as a substitute for his mom. “ _Mr. Blaine._ ”

Blaine groans slightly. “I’ve told her not to call me that, but she insists. Says it’s important to keep things professional. Yet she has no problem talking about your bed hair,” he adds with a laugh. “Which is adorable, by the way.” This time it’s me who groans, and I run my fingers frantically through my hair again, trying to make some kind of descent hairdo. _Why did I think it was a good idea to not style my hair this morning?_ Blaine walks over to me and takes my hand. “Stop it, you look cute with your hair all wild and all over the place.” When I try to protest and tell him that he’s totally wrong, he effectively shuts me up with a kiss. “I’m sorry, I have to leave you now. I really wish there was a way I didn’t have to.”

“It’s okay,” I say and kiss him back. “How long do you think you will be gone? An hour? Two?”

“That’s just it, after I showered, Jeff called me again and reminded me that I have a photoshoot scheduled for today… It’s for an article about me in GQ Magazine, and I can’t really bail on it. God Kurt, this day is really not turning out the way I would have liked it to.” He hangs his head and looks defeated. “I wish I had more control of my life, but today there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“It’s okay, I promise,” I say and kiss his forehead. “I mean it’s GQ. I would die to have one of my designs featured there.”

“I could mention your name,” the hope in his voice is really adorable.

“That’s so sweet, but considering everything, I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now.”

“No, you’re probably right,” Blaine says and leans his body against mine and wraps his arms around me. “Will you stay? I would really like it if you were here when I got back.”

“I have to go home and check on Sophie, and then I have some errands to run now that I have the day off.”

“Oh, okay…” the disappointment in his voice keeps me from continuing with the charade. 

“Blaine, of course, I’ll be here when you get back. Try keeping me away.”

“Good. Great,” Blaine says relieved. “Ehm, hold on a minute.” He walks away but comes back a few seconds later. “Here,” he says and holds out a key. I’m a little stunned that he so effortlessly just offers me a key to his apartment. My mind keeps spinning with thoughts of what this means. “It’s a key. To my apartment.”

“Yes, I can see that,” I say and take it. “Thank you.” I kiss him and decide that this doesn’t necessarily mean anything. He’s just lending me a key. I will return it to him tonight. 

“Please, be careful when you come and go. You can use the backdoor if you want to, probably less paparazzi there. And if anyone starts asking question just say that you’re Mrs. Keane’s nephew from Idaho. She talks about him all the time, but he never comes to visit, so nobody knows what he looks like. Okay?”

“Mrs. Keane’s nephew. Got it.”

“Again, I’m so sorry about all of this. I have to run now. We’ll talk more tonight, okay?”

“Yes,” I say, but Blaine stays and wraps me up in another kiss, and I find it hard to let him go. But I have to remind myself, this is only the beginning. We will have many, many days to talk and catch up and spend time together.

After a final lingering kiss, Blaine reluctantly lets go of me and runs out the door. I want to walk over to the window and watch him as he leaves, maybe get a chance to wave at him. I’m also slightly curious about the paparazzi outside. How many are there, and why are they so interested in us? We’re just people like everyone else. Why would a relationship between two people be so interesting to others?

I know the answer to that, and that’s why I stay away from the windows.

“I take these to dry cleaner.” Maria says walking into the kitchen holding our suits, neatly folded on her arm. “I know the best dry cleaner in all of Manhattan.”

I mean to protest, saying it’s not necessary, that I can do it myself, but I’m too busy thinking about the fact that she’s been up in Blaine’s bedroom cleaning, and _did I remember to throw away the condom last night?_ So I just nod instead.

“You like Mr. Blaine?” Maria asks, and I feel like I’m being interrogated by a parent.

“Yes, very much,” I tell her.

“Good, because he likes you very much too, I can tell.” Her voice softens for the first time when she addresses me. “You make Mr. Blaine very happy. You’re the first person he’s brought home.”

“He makes me very happy, too.”

“Good,” She repeats and walks over to where I’m standing to give me a pat on the cheek. “He deserves to be happy.” Then she’s out the door with our suits still on her arm. 

I pour myself a cup of coffee. Blaine has been thoughtful enough to put a mug for me on the counter beside the coffee machine, which saves me the trouble of going through all the cupboards until I find the one that contains coffee mugs. I take the coffee with me and move into the living room, where I sit down on the couch. I settle back against the armrest, wishing there were some cushions to rest on, with the mug between my hands, inhaling the coffee fumes with a delighted sigh. The apartment is filled with silence, and it feels nice. It gives me a chance to reflect. 

Last night was… incredible. From the moment I understood what decision I wanted to make, throughout planning last night, and even preparing for and experiencing the first part of the evening, I never really thought about what it would be like to be with Blaine again. It’s not like I had forgotten what sex with Blaine was like - it’s not like I’ve been with that many other guys to forget sex with Blaine. But I simply didn’t remember it being like that. Maybe it had to do with us being older and more experienced. Maybe it was the long time apart. Or maybe it was just that we know each other, know our bodies, know what we like. Maybe we aren’t afraid of expressing that anymore.

It can easily be said that last night far exceeded my expectations. But last night also came with some unexpected twists, not to mention this morning. I don’t know how I feel about the sudden interest in me. I knew it would come - I just thought we’d have more time together first. Time to discuss how to deal with it, time to be comfortable with ourselves and us being together again. I know I love him and that he loves me, there’s no doubt there, but am I really prepared to have my life scrutinized? Is it possible to keep our relationship a secret? For how long before we have to face the outside world? It would be so nice to just be us for a little while. To just reacquaint and build a strong foundation before we make our relationship public. I don’t know how much of that is up for us to decide. Blaine has a contract that apparently dictates a great deal of his life, and I don’t know how much his team will want to control what’s going to happen.

My phone buzzes with an incoming message. I pick it up from where I left it on the coffee table, thinking that it’s a message from Blaine. It’s not. It’s from Quinn. I see that I have dozen missed messages not only from Quinn but Tina and even Ali, Rachel and Santana. All my girls. I know it must have to do with last night. Everything is viral now, and they must have seen what they are writing about Blaine. Ali, Rachel and Santana knew about my decision, and they knew about my plans for last night. I had to tell someone because my mind was going slightly crazy with nerves and doubts. I start with their texts.

**Ali**  
**Wow, I just saw the videos from the restaurant. I’m sooo happy for you, but shit the internet is going crazy with these news. Hope you are ok. Call me.**

**Rachel**  
**Kurt, OMG!! I can’t believe he did that for you. That is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m so jealous. I wish someone would do something like that for me. Anyway, love you. Call me.**

**Santana  
**You better be tapping that ass or I’m so disappointed in you Kurt. Call me and tell me all about it. Also don’t read comments online, and if you already have, don’t listen to any of them. You deserve Blaine.****

I answer them all that everything went according to plan, that I’m happy but trying not to freak out because of the paparazzi outside, and that I will call them later.

Then I move on to the texts from Quinn and Tina. I’m curious to know what they have to say about all of this.

**Quinn**  
**Please call me Kurt.**

**Quinn**  
**Kurt I need to know if this is true. Call me!**

**Quinn**  
**I’ll only excuse you ignoring me if you’re in bed with Blaine. All other excuses are not acceptable.**

**Tina**  
**Please tell me this is you ( _link to YouTube_ ). It’s all over the internet. I really hope this is you with Blaine. It would make me so happy.**

I click on the link, and I’m directed to a video taken last night. I can see Blaine sitting by the piano, talking to the people in the restaurant. 

“ _My last song is a song I wrote a little over five years ago. It was also my very first single to be released. I wrote this song for him, and even though I haven’t seen him in these five years, the words are just as true now as they were then._ ”

I figured they would make the connection - they’re the only ones that knew about us then and have heard Blaine perform that song for me. They seem happy though. There are more messages from them on the same theme.

I decide to make a group conversation with Quinn and Tina, thinking that they will talk to each other anyway.

**Kurt**  
**Hey girls! Stop harassing me. Where’s the fire?**

**Quinn**  
**You’re alive! Thank god! *rolls eyes***

**Kurt**  
**Of course I’m alive :)**

**Tina**  
**Are you and Blaine back together??**

**Kurt**  
**Straight to the point as always Tina. Yes, I’m fine thank you. How are you?**

**Tina**  
**Stop playing around Kurt. We’re dying to know!**

**Quinn**  
**Please tell me he’s there beside you and that you’re happy and worked everything out.**

**Kurt**  
**He’s not beside me… Not anymore at least. He had to work.**

**Quinn**  
**And? Did you work it out? Are you back together? Come on Kurt!**

**Kurt**  
**Yes and yes**

**Tina**  
**Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Quinn**  
**I knew it! Oh my God Kurt I’m so happy! Tell us all about it.**

So I tell them everything that happened since I ran into Blaine a few weeks ago. About how he told me he wanted me back, about my doubts because of our history and because of Rafi. I tell them about last night. About people showing up outside the restaurant so that we had to flee. I tell them about the High Line, and the kiss, and the _I love you’s_. I don’t give them any details about our night together other than we talked a lot, but that there’s still a lot to talk about. I tell them that I’m happy and in love. I ask them not to talk about this with anyone or write anything about it online because we haven’t decided how we want to handle it yet.

They tell me again that they’re happy for us. That this is the best news ever, and that they have secretly hoped we would find a way back to each other during all these years we’ve been apart. They hope that Blaine will want to talk to them, and they tell me to tell him that they all really miss him. That they’re not mad that he hasn’t kept in contact, but maybe that can change now. 

Tina’s final message throws me off guard.

**Tina**  
**I hope this means that you are bringing Blaine to our wedding Kurt. You have a plus one, don’t make me start rearranging the seating arrangements now!**

Tina and Mike are getting married in October, and in all this, I had totally forgotten that I was brining Rafi to their wedding. I want to bring Blaine, but I’m not sure he would want to go. I have to talk to him about it. The thought of going back home together and reuniting with our old friends is so very appealing though.

After texting with my friends, I feel even happier than before. All of their love and support really strengthens me. I should probably call Dad, but somehow I think Blaine wants to be a part of that conversation, and I want to wait until he comes home. Dad isn’t the one who reads online gossip columns or anything on Twitter for that matter, so the chances that he knows what’s happened is slim. Waiting until later feels like a good option.

There are also some thoughts about Rafi, wondering if he’s read anything about last night. He said he knew it was coming when I broke up with him. Said he knew he didn’t stand a chance against a first love that I obviously hadn’t gotten over, but that he still hoped for a different outcome.

Putting away my thoughts, I go and take that shower I’ve been desperately needed for a while, styling my hair to perfection afterwards. If I’m caught on a photo, although I hope not, I want to look my best. I realize that I don’t have clothes to put on as Maria walked away with my suit earlier. Even though I don’t think Blaine will mind, it feels a little intrusive to go through his wardrobe in pursuit of something to wear. It’s not easy to find anything that fits as Blaine is a few inches shorter than me, and it’s giving me a headache. I am a fashion designer and ending up online in anything less than a perfect looking outfit feels unacceptable. 

I give up after fifteen minutes, realizing that there’s nothing in Blaine’s wardrobe that even slightly resembles my style. I find one pair of pants that at least almost fits me (Blaine must be rolling up the legs when wearing these) and a shirt that goes with it. I also find a knitted cardigan that fits and that actually looks quite autumn chic. 

I slip out through the backdoor, trying to act as normal and nonchalant as possible even though my heart is beating frantically. I can’t see any photographers hiding in the bushes, which is a relief. Maybe they left when they saw Blaine leave earlier. Hopefully. I hurry down the street and make it home to my own apartment. Sophie is nowhere in sight when I get inside, which is not a surprise. She’s usually mad at me when I spend the night away. But I know how to lure her out of her hiding place. As soon as she hears me opening the package with her food, she comes running.

We bond over breakfast, me on the floor next to her with a bowl of yogurt. Then I change into my own clothes, fold Blaine’s clothes neatly and put them in a bag together with a change for myself. I add a spare set of facial products that I can leave at Blaine’s. I am hoping to spend many nights at his place, and being prepared for that isn’t wrong, right?

I feel bad for leaving Sophie so soon again, but I have a few errands that I want to make, and then I want to go back to Blaine’s place as soon as possible because I want to be there when he gets home.

I use the key that Blaine gave me to unlock his door. I used the backdoor to get into the building again, and I think I was successful in avoiding any unwanted attention. I place the key on the counter beside the door and drop the bags I’ve been carrying on the floor. I’m all sweaty from running around town in clothes that were warmer than necessary since the sun decided to reappear. I unpack the food I bought to make Blaine dinner tonight, and then I head upstairs for another, well-needed shower.

Having a day off after the crazy morning and a busy weekend was something I needed more than I realized. Staying away from Twitter comments has been hard, not that I gave it much of an effort. Blaine didn’t tell me much of what he read this morning, which made me think it was bad. Some of it kind of was, but there were also some really sweet comments from people expressing their hope that Blaine got what he hoped for last night. Many are happy for Blaine, saying they want nothing more than for him to be happy and in love. Some think that it is so sweet that Blaine had written _Beautiful Mess_ for someone that meant something to him, and that made them see the song in a new light and made them love it even more. Mostly though, everyone is dying to know my identity, but no one seems to have figured it out yet.

As I step out of the shower, I hear the sound of an incoming text. I dry my hands before I pick up the phone to see that I actually have four texts from Blaine.

**Blaine**  
**On my way home now. Can’t wait to see you.**

**Blaine**  
**I didn’t mean to assume that you’re still at my place. I mean I would really like you to be. But if you’re not, that’s ok. Maybe we can see each other another day.**

**Blaine**  
**I’m actually not okay with not seeing you tonight. I’ve missed you all day and I really would like to hug you. I want you to be at my place.**

**Blaine**  
**Sorry about that. You can do be wherever you like, of course. But where are you? Why aren’t you answering?**

I shake my head and laugh a little at Blaine’s rambling texts, but at the same time I’m a little concerned about his lack of faith in me. All four texts are sent within fifteen minutes. Blaine’s insecurities shine through, and it makes me sad to think that he believes that there’s any other place I’d want to be than right here waiting for him to come home so that we can spend more time together. But I have to remind myself that this is still new, and that we’re still adjusting to it.

**Kurt**  
**Relax baby, I’m here, I was just in the shower. I missed you all day too, hurry home.**

I put on Blaine’s pajama pants again, I’ve come to like them a lot. They’re comfy, and it feels somehow intimate to wear something of Blaine’s. I find a new t-shirt in his wardrobe and put it on. It smells of him, and now it feels like I’m wrapped up in him even though he isn’t here.

I wait for him downstairs. There’s a beautiful window sill in the kitchen that looks so inviting - with a few cushions to sit on, it would be the perfect place to spend rainy afternoons - but I don’t know if it is a good idea to sit there today. I don’t know how visible it is from the street. But I’m drawn to it, and I can’t resist to sit down and look out the window, down on the street below. It’s a quiet street. A few children with their nannies are walking on the sidewalk. A man is walking his dog. A car drives slowly by. My fingers ache for my sketchpad. It’s in my bag by the door, but I can’t find it in me to leave this place and this view. I can picture myself living here. Sure this place needs a face lift, but that’s easily fixed. This street, this apartment feels like home. Blaine feels like home.

I hear the door open, and my heart beats a little faster. Blaine is home. “In here,” I call to him. It’s silly how much I want to hold him again. We haven’t been apart that long, but it’s like my body wants to make up for all those missed years by holding him close to make sure he’s actually here, that _he’s real_. Last night I held my hand on Blaine’s heart just to feel it beat. I had thought then that he’s real. It’s silly, I know it’s silly, but today I feel the same. He’s soon going to walk into this kitchen, he’ll hug me and look into my eyes, and he will _still_ be real.

“Well, well, if this isn’t a surprise. Or not really actually.”

Sebastian. My entire being freezes. _What the hell is Sebastian doing here?_ This makes absolutely no sense. How did he even get into this apartment?

“Kurt, it’s so good to see you again,” Sebastian says in his usual annoying tone.

“Sebastian,” I say dryly. “I wish I could say the same. What are you doing here? Does Blaine know that you’re here?”

“Come on, Kurt, don’t be like that. I’m nice, remember? And no, Blaine doesn’t know I’m here. I wouldn’t have to be here if he actually picked up his phone when I called him.”

“He’s busy,” I tell him. “How did you get in?”

“Oh, I had a key made years ago. But don’t tell Blaine that.”

I’m not only going to tell him, I’m going to insist that he change his locks. I shake my head to say he’s crazy. “What do you want?”

“I came to see if he’s okay,” Sebastian says, and he actually sounds concerned. “He made quite an impression on the internet yesterday, so I just wanted to see how he’s holding up. I’m assuming yesterday was about you?” 

I nod affirmatively. I remember that for some time Sebastian was the only one who cared about Blaine and was there to help him. I promise myself to make an effort to like Sebastian (even though he makes it hard sometimes). “And since you are here now, I’m also assuming things went well?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re what? Back together again?”

“Yes.”

“Good. That’s really good. He deserves some happiness in his life. God knows he hasn’t had much of that lately.”

“I know… I… I’m hoping I can change that.”

“With you, there’s no question he will have that. But if you ever hurt him…” Sebastian gives me a threatening glare - one which doesn’t scare me at all. But it proves to me that Sebastian still has Blaine’s best at heart.

“Sebastian, I know you care about Blaine, so trust me when I say that I have absolutely no intention of ever hurting him again. I’m not letting him go a second time. I love him too much to make that mistake twice.”

“Good. Because I don’t think he could survive it,” Sebastian says seriously.

“Neither could I,” I tell him equally serious. 

After that Sebastian relaxes. He knows I’m serious, and that’s all he needs to know, to know that his friend will be safe. Safe from further breakdowns and bouts of depressions. Safe from heartache and misery. Blaine is safe with me, and Sebastian knows it. It’s okay for him to relax and take a step back. I will take over from here. Take over as the number one person who looks out for Blaine and his wellbeing. 

“Kurt?” I’m snatched out from my thoughts by the sound of Blaine’s voice calling my name. I didn’t hear the door open or close. I’ve must really have been deep in thoughts.

“In the kitchen,” I call back and watch as Blaine walks into the kitchen with a big smile on his face. He’s holding something that looks suspiciously like a pastry box. His eyes are surrounded by eyeliner, his hair is messy and styled so that he’s looking like a rock star. He’s sexy as hell and I can’t take my eyes away from him. His smile falters though when he sees Sebastian.

“Seb?” Blaine says bemused and slightly guarded. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check up on you. You're the name on everyone’s lips today, and since you couldn’t bother to pick up your phone, I came here instead. But I know now everything is as it should be, so I was just about to leave.” 

“Okay…” Blaine says perplexed.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Sebastian says. “And you better pick up your phone when I call next time.”

Sebastian walks out of the kitchen, patting Blaine on the arm on his way out and giving him what I think is an _I’m happy for you, but please be careful_ look. Blaine’s gaze follows him as he leaves and walks out the front door. Then his eyes return to me. 

“Okay, that was weird. Is everything okay?” Blaine asks worriedly.

“Yes, everything is perfect,” I beam. Everything is perfect when I’m with him.

“He didn’t bother you?” He’s still standing perplexed at the other end of the kitchen.

“No.”

“Did you let him into the apartment? Willingly?” 

“No, he actually has a key of his own. Did you know that?”

“What? No, I didn’t. How did he…?” Blaine’s still too worried, and too wound up. I want him to relax.

“I suggest you change all your locks, or he’ll soon be walking in on us having sex, and that is not something I’m willing to share with him.

Blaine laughs. “Okay, I’ll have the locks changed. What did he want?” He seems to relax enough to let his shoulders down and to let the day’s worries roll off of him. He puts down the box on the kitchen table and walks over to where I’m sitting while I answer him. He takes my hands in his, gently stroking his thumbs over my knuckles.

“He was worried about you after what happened last night, and then when he found me here, I guess he just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t break your heart again. Which I never will, okay. I’m not letting you go again, just so that we’re clear.” 

“I hear you, loud and clear,” Blaine says and does a cute little salute. “And just so that we’re clear, I’m never saying goodbye to you.”

“Come here so that I can kiss you.” I pull at his shirt to drag him closer so that I can place my lips on his. I don’t know how it’s possible, but his kisses - all of them back then and everyone we’ve shared so far - still taste like heaven. I’ve never experienced that with anyone else.

“I missed you today,” Blaine breathes out blissfully when we break the kiss.

I smile, “I know, me too. Your eyes…” I start not finding the right words to say.

“I know,” Blaine mutters. “It’s too much. It’s from the photoshoot, they wanted to give me a particular look. I’m just gonna go and wash it off.”

“No, no,” I tell him and trace one finger along his jawline. “I think you should leave it on,” I say smugly. “I want to see you like this is in bed later.”

“Really now.” Blaine raises an eyebrow but looks very pleased. 

Blaine ends up telling me about his day while I cook him dinner. During his meeting with the management team, he had been harshly asked if he knew the consequences of breaking a contract clause (a very high fine apparently), what was he thinking, how could he be so careless, did he think about the consequences at all, who was the guy, _was he worth it?_ Blaine had answered truthfully to all questions, letting them know that I was in his life now, and I wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t single anymore, and they could handle it anyway they wanted. They hadn’t been happy about it, but they had accepted it. Despite everything they loved the attention Blaine was getting today. Every gossip site, every pop culture magazine were buzzing about Blaine and his mysterious lover. They wanted to keep the buzz going for as long as possible. They made up a plan for how and when Blaine and I would reveal our relationship. Blaine told them to shove it because no one but he and I were going to decide when and where or if we were going public with our relationship.

Jeff had pulled him aside after the meeting, and although he was mad at him for being so reckless and not thinking things through before acting, he was mostly very happy for Blaine. He had said that he now understood Blaine’s sudden change in mood, and that he hoped we could make it last this time because anyone who could bring Blaine out of his dark hole was someone he hoped Blaine could keep. He had witnessed firsthand what missing me did to Blaine. He had hugged him and told him to bring me over for dinner sometime.

Blaine doesn’t care about the fine, which again makes me question how much money he actually has. He’s just happy that that part is over, and that the consequences weren’t worse. Now it’s up to us to decide what we want to do.

“How do you feel about this?” Blaine asks. “I know it’s too soon to make this decision. I mean we’ve only been back together for less than 24 hours, but we have to start thinking about it. I understand it’s a lot to consider, and that you maybe don’t fully understand what it means to date me publically with all the attention and the possibility of being caught on camera wherever you go. Oh, and my team wants to do a thorough background check on you, but I told them it’s not necessary because Kurt Hummel doesn’t have any skeletons in his closet. Anyway, I’ll do this whichever way you want us to.”

It is a lot to take in. I think back to my thoughts this morning - that it would be nice to spend some more time together just him and me, before we share it with the outside world. I know though, that I’m willing to face all the gossip, all the cameras, all the vicious comments behind my back. As long Blaine and I can be open and honest with each other, and be there for each other when things get rough, I know I’ll do anything for this man. I also start to worry that I do have some skeletons in my closet.

“You’re right, it is too soon to make any kind of decision,” I start and reach my hand across the table to take his. “Can we just spend the next couple of days or weeks together and be in our own little bubble? I would really like to enjoy being back with you for a little while before we invite the world to our relationship. Is that okay?”

“Of course, it is, Kurt. I think that sounds like the best thing I’ve heard today. I would keep you in this bubble forever if I could. I never want to share you with the world.”

“Are you ashamed of me?” I tease.

“No, never,” Blaine answers seriously. His serious face in combination with his makeup and hair makes him attractive beyond words. It’s a kind of broody sexiness that turns me on. “What I mean is that I don’t want to expose you to this world. It gets kind of crazy sometimes, and I wish I could spare you that.”

“We’ll be fine, won’t we? We have each other, and as long as we’re safe with each other, we’ll be fine, right?”

“You’ll always be safe with me.” Blaine stands up and walks over to where I’m sitting. He crouches beside my chair and places his hands on my thighs. “So we’ll keep this a secret for a little while longer?”

“We can at least try,” I say and lean forward to kiss him. “But there is someone we need to tell.”

“Who?”

“Dad,” I say, and I see Blaine’s face light up.

“You haven’t told him yet?”

“No, I thought you’d want to be a part of that conversation.”

“Can I be the one to call him?” Blaine asks. But then his happy face turns serious. “I haven’t talked to him since we broke up. Do you think he will be mad at me?”

“I think if anything, he’ll be happy to hear your voice. He misses you, you know. You’re his son, and he hasn’t talked to you in years. He’ll be happy, I promise.”

“Okay. Good,” Blaine says still sounding a bit wary. “Okay, let’s do it.”

“First I want to know what’s in that box.” I point at the pastry box that is sitting by the end of the big kitchen table. The table is big enough to fit eight people. Why Blaine has such a big kitchen table is beyond me. But then again, most of the design in this apartment is beyond me. I’ve brought some things with me from my shopping spree earlier today that I think will improvement this place and make it feel more like a home and less like a furniture display.

“Ah, intrigued are we?” Blaine smiles as he stands up and moves to take the box. He places it in front of me and beckons me to open it. 

It’s the most delicious cheesecake I’ve eaten in a long time. I thought I had found the place in New York that made _the_ best cheesecake, but it’s apparent that my research hasn’t been thorough enough. This cheesecake is almost orgasm worthy. At least the sounds I’m making while eating it are, according to Blaine. But then again, the man sitting next to me is also orgasm worthy, so if I’m making those sounds, it’s not my fault.

“What?” Blaine asks and looks at me.

I have no idea what he’s talking about, I’ve been too lost in enjoying the cheesecake and looking at my man. “What?” I ask in return

“You’re looking funny at me. Like you want to eat me, too.” 

“Maybe I do. I can’t get over how damn hot you look with eyeliner.” I have of course seen pictures of him with eyeliner before, but seeing him up close and in person is… wow… so much hotter. I fan myself, and Blaine laughs and attacks my lips.

“After we talk to Burt, I might just show you how _hot_ I am for you.”

“Promises, promises,” I snicker.

We clear the table, placing the dishes in the sink because we’re too lazy to do the dishes right now, and then make ourselves comfortable on Blaine’s couch. He takes his phone, dials Dad’s number, and puts it on speaker.

“Hello?” Dad answers.

“Hi, Burt,” Blaine says.

“Blaine?” Dad says sounding a little unsure and a lot surprised.

“Yes, it’s me,” Blaine says with a wide grin on his face. “How are you?”

“Oh my God, it’s really you! How are you, son?”

“I’m good, Burt. I’m perfect actually,” Blaine says, looking at me. His hand reaches out to find mine. I twine my fingers with his and squeeze lightly. Perfect sounds just about right.

“Oh, that makes me so happy to hear!” Dad says, genuinely excited. “It’s been so long, and there’s so much I want to say. I don’t know where to start. But you’re like a big star now, you made it, Blaine!”

“I’m still me, Burt,” Blaine says and chuckles at Dad’s excitement. But then he stops to smile and adds a bit more unsure. “I’m still your son.”

“You bet you are!” Dad says. “Would it have hurt to call me and let me know how you were doing, once in a while?” Dad isn’t mad, not even accusing, it’s his way to attempt to joke. But I can see that Blaine doesn’t take it that way.

“I’m sorry… I know I should have… but I…I…”

“Hey, none of that,“ Dad says, “you called now, that’s what matters. Just don’t wait another five years to call me again,” Dad chuckles. “Now, tell me all about what’s going on in your life.”

Blaine is still beating himself up about cutting Dad, and everyone else, out of his life. He doesn’t have to say it, I can see it in his eyes. I move a little closer and lean my head against his shoulder to remind him of my presence and that everything is good now. Things might have been messed up in the past, but we’re moving forward. We’re here now. Like Dad said, that’s all that matters.

Blaine leans his head against mine and squeezes my hand, like he can hear my thoughts.

“Actually,” he says, “I have someone here with me that wants to say hello to you.”

“Hi Dad,” I say.

Dad literally squeals in the other end of the phone. “No… no, this is… is this for real?”

“Yes, Dad, we’re both here. Together,” I say.

Dad begins to laugh and cry at the same time. “You guys… this makes me so happy.” I hear his voice choking up.

“I’m the happy one,” Blaine says and places a kiss on my forehead.

“Oh, I wish I could jump through the phone and hug you both,” Dad says, still with tears in his voice. “This is the best news I’ve heard in a very long time. When are you coming home?”

I see the smile spreading across Blaine’s lips when Dad says the word _home_. I so want to go home with Blaine, but with everything going on around us, I don’t see us traveling together anywhere soon.

“I don’t know, Dad. There is-” I start but Dad cuts me off before I can finish.

“You’re bringing him home to the wedding, right? You have to Kurt, I can’t wait longer than that.”

Blaine sits up and looks at me, confused and curious. “What wedding?”

“Tina and Mike’s,” I say in passing, focusing on not getting my dad’s hopes up. I would love to bring Blaine to the wedding, but after this day, I know Blaine’s life isn’t completely his own. He has obligations. And we did say we’d lay low for a while. “It’s not that easy, Dad. Blaine can’t just travel and-” 

Again I’m cut off, this time by Blaine. “I’m coming. When is it?”

“It’s the last weekend in October, right Kurt?” Dad says.

“Yes, but shouldn’t you check with the record label first? Maybe you have something scheduled?” I say, because his contract seems kind of strict, and there are repercussions for breaking it. But also because I don’t want to get my own hopes up if it then turns out he can’t come with me.

“My friends are getting married. I will be there no matter what the label says. I’ve been complying with their rules for so long, it’s about time I get a say in my life, too. Or do you not want me there?” He adds, a smile playing on his lips.

“You know I do, but-”

“We’re coming home,” Blaine says to Dad.

It’s decided. Blaine pulls me in closer and wraps his arms around me. I tilt my head up to kiss him. He’s happy. I’m happy. I don’t want to worry about the details, we’ll figure it out somehow. With Blaine in my life, nothing seems impossible. Besides, I’m taking Blaine home to Dad! And to meet our friends again! 

We stay on the phone with Dad a little while longer before we say goodbye and hang up.

Blaine pulls me in for a long kiss, the kind that leaves me wanting more. When he pulls back, I’m not only breathless, but also a little flustered. Blaine smiles when he sees the look on my face. “I know I promised you I’d take you upstairs after we talked to Burt, but there’s someone I want you to meet first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roxymusicandlayers you are amazing! Thank you for all of your help ❤


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even going to try to explain how sorry I am that it took me this long to post this chapter...

**Blaine, Monday September 25th 2017, 8.53 pm**

We decided to go out separately, me through the main entrance and Kurt through the backdoor, just in case there are still any paparazzi lingering. I can’t see any on my way out though, so we’re probably safe. I walk alone the, by now, well known streets to my destination. The day has been hectic, and I’m tired from late nights, early mornings, intense meetings, and an even more intense photoshoot. But I’m happy. 

Kurt was reluctant to leave the apartment, and maybe we didn’t have to do this tonight now that I think about it. But I’m almost at my destination, and I’m not sure there ever will be a right night to do this. I see many nights with me curled up next to Kurt in our near future, and I know it will be close to impossible for me to want to move from that position. Next to Kurt is where I want to stay for the rest of my life.

When I walk into the pub, Rose notices me immediately. She’s serving a beer to a customer, but she smiles at me and tilts her head at my usual spot. She wants to talk. I take my seat and wait for her to finish. I place my cap on the bar. It has become part of my typical attire when I leave the apartment. Usually I leave it on, but tonight the pub is only frequented by the usual patrons, and I know they don’t care about me.

“What are you doing here?” Rose asks when she walks over. “I thought that after last night, you’d be spending every minute with your new boyfriend.”

“So I take it you’ve heard about last night,” I say and can’t help but smile. Not because how the news about me has spread, but because thinking about last night and Kurt will forever put a smile to my face.

“It’s kind of hard not to, your name is like everywhere. Please tell me it worked out between the two of you or my heart will just break,” Rose says.

“Aww, you care about me,” I tease, “and here I thought I was just another customer to you.” Rose swats the rag she uses to polish the bar top at me, and tries to give me an unappreciated stare, but I can see her smile shining through.

At that moment, Kurt walks in through the door. He looks around, and when his eyes land on me and Rose, he smiles, and I wave at him to come over.

“You brought him here,” Rose says, and when I nod, she continues. “To meet me?”

All I can do is nod again, and then Kurt is by my side. He stops a few inches away from me. I don’t like the distance, so I take his hand and pull him closer. I feel Kurt resist a little, and I know what he is thinking, but I know no one here is paying us any attention. I hold on firmly to his hand.

“Rose,” I say, “I would like you to meet my boyfriend Kurt. Kurt, this is Rose.” Kurt extends his hand to Rose, looking a little clueless as to why I’m introducing him to the bartender. “If it weren’t for her, we might not be here tonight.”

Rose shakes his hand, and then I have two sets of eyes giving me inquiring looks.

“Remember that day you told me you had a boyfriend?” I ask and look at Kurt. He makes a funny face, like that is not something he wants to be reminded of. I stroke my thumb over his knuckles, trying to tell him that it’s okay - we’re okay. “After I left your apartment, I came here to drown my sorrows. Rose asked me what happened, and I told her about you having a boyfriend, and how I was content with being just your friend, that I didn’t have any other choice. Rose told me to not be that guy. The guy who gives up when there’s a setback. She told me it’s never too late, and even if I never told her, her words stuck with me and gave me courage to not give up. I actually think I would have been happy to have you as just my friend again if Rose hadn’t told me those words.”

“I guess I have you to thank for a lot,” Kurt says and looks at Rose.

“You should have seen the poor guy. He looked so God damn miserable, I had to give him some words of encouragement,” Rose teases, but then adds, “I knew how much he liked you. Hell, he came back here every night for three weeks in hopes that you’d return, and I just hated to see him so crestfallen because he thought he’d lost you.”

Kurt turns to me, and I shift on my seat so that I’m facing him. He takes a small step closer so that he’s standing between my legs, and says in a low voice, “I’m glad you didn’t give up on us. God knows we can both be stubborn at times,” he adds with a chuckle.

“Rose told me to make you fall in love with me again. And, well, I tried…” I say.

“And succeeded,” Kurt answers. “Although, to be honest, I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. I had to move on because loving you hurt too much, but honestly, you were always in my heart.”

“And you were in mine.” My chest feels tight when I think about all the years we wasted being stupid and stubborn. 

“You guys are too adorable,” Rose says, interrupting our little moment and bringing us back to reality.

“I couldn’t agree more.” 

I jump at the female voice behind me, panicking at being caught. I can’t imagine it being anyone else but a nosey reporter. Coming here was a bad idea. Kurt was right, we should have stayed at home. Going out to a public place when you want to lay low is such a bad idea. I can already see the headlines and the pictures of me and Kurt standing here close together, holding hands. I curse my own stupidity.

But when I turn around to face whoever this reporter is, I see that the female voice belongs to Ali.

“You said you wanted me to meet someone,” Kurt says, smiling, taking a small step back. “Well, I wanted you to meet someone, too. You haven’t really met before, well not under any happy circumstances anyway, and I thought it was about time I’d change that.”

“Nice to meet you, Blaine,” Ali says.

“You too, Ali.”

“God, I don’t know if I want to punch you or hug you,” Ali then says with a laugh.

“What?” I ask confused.

“Be nice, Ali,” Kurt says. “That’s in the past. You said all you cared about was that I was happy. And I am. I love him, and he is my happy place.”

“I know, Kurt. I know, and I’m happy too,” Ali says and hugs him. “So happy.”

Then I get it - the reason she wants to punch me. I broke his heart. _I made him miserable, and Ali was probably the one he confided in_. She knew him already back then, and they’re still friends. She has seen what I did to him. 

“I won’t hurt him again. Ever.” I say, needing to make that clear to Ali.

“Oh, I know. Kurt wouldn’t let you. He’s a much stronger person now than he was then. I’ve seen what he’s gone through with you. I’ve seen him cry so many times, and that alone makes me want to punch you. But I’ve also never heard him as excited and happy as when he just called me and asked me to come here to meet his new boyfriend. And that’s why I’m going to hug you instead,” Ali says and puts her arms around my neck and squeezes me in a tight hug.

Then she whispers into my ear, “You better treat him right, or so help you God.”

“You have my word,” I whisper back. There’s so much more I want to tell her, to ensure her that I will never intentionally do anything to make him feel sad or heartbroken again. That he is safe with me. But a pub is not the place to do that, and I’m sure I will have plenty of opportunities to tell her later.

I let Ali go, and as she steps back, I reach for Kurt’s hand again and pull him closer to me. Now that I’m allowed to touch him and hold him again, I can’t refrain myself from doing it. I want him close, and I want some part of me to be in contact with him all the time. I want to kiss him, but I know I can’t, not here. But when we get home I promise myself to kiss the hell out of him. For now, I settle with lacing our fingers together and holding his hand in the small space between us that no one can see. Kurt looks at me, smiles, squeezes my hand gently, and then strokes his thumb over my cheekbone. His eyes tell me later, like he knows what I’m thinking. 

“Okay, this needs to stop or y’all gonna make me cry. This is all too sweet,” Rose says.

My eyes reluctantly leave Kurt, and our little bubble is momentarily burst, but I know we will return to it and stay in it. Forever, if it was up to me to decide, but for as long as we can at least. I look at Rose and smile. “I knew there was a softy in you somewhere.”

Rose chuckles. “My heart has always been weak for you, B. Ever since you told me about why you kept coming back to this pub every night, that you couldn’t forget about the boy that left you five years ago, and that all your songs were about him – you’ve held a special place in my heart.”

I stretch out the hand that isn’t holding Kurt’s to Rose. “Now you’re making me cry, Rose.”

“Hold on,” Ali says, “all your songs are about Kurt?”

“I thought that was obvious,” I answer.

“I thought that was just the image you wanted to portray. Well that put things in a different perspective…” Ali says, and then she turns to Rose. “Blaine kept coming back here for Kurt?”

“Every night for weeks. He sat right here, waiting and hoping until he finally returned. Even if he didn’t say it, it was obvious how much he still loved that boy, how much he was hurting because of their breakup.”

I look at Kurt, and he looks at me with something sad in his eyes. But there’s no need to be sad anymore. We need to move on from that and look ahead instead. The urge to kiss him is back. To kiss away that sad look.

“Kurt was just the same. For years he kept crying over Blaine, unable to let him go.” Ali says to Rose, and then they’re off, switching stories about me and Kurt, not caring that we’re there.

“I think we just started a new friendship here,” Kurt leans in and whispers.

I can see them becoming friends, Rose and Ali. “I think we’re not needed here anymore. Want to go back to my place?”

“More than anything,” Kurt says, and there’s a tingling feeling inside me when I think about being alone with Kurt again. We’ve only shared one night together, but it’s like my body remembers all the good times we shared back then, and now it craves more.

We say our goodbyes and leave Ali at the pub with Rose. No matter how much I want to walk hand in hand through the streets of New York back to my apartment with him, I know it’s a bad idea. Reluctantly I leave him by the pub and start walking alone. It’s only a ten minute walk, but it feels like an eternity. _Why did I think it was good idea to leave home before?_ We could have been curled up in bed together by now, watching a movie or, you know, something else.

When I get to my apartment, Kurt is standing outside my door waiting for me.

“Why are you standing out here?”

“I’m waiting for you to arrive so that you can let me in,” Kurt answers.

“But I gave you a key.”

“And I returned it. It’s on your hallway table.”

“But I gave it to you. It’s yours.”

“Oh… I thought you leant it to me…” Kurt says looking bashful. “I didn't want to assume.”

“Well assume away. What’s mine is yours, Kurt,” I say and mean every single word. “I want to share my life with you - a key to my place is just the beginning.”

“Can you open this goddamn door so that I can step inside and kiss you?” Kurt says in a low, almost growling, voice.

I fumble with the keys, eager to get inside because kissing him is all I can think about now, and it’s like I have to share his breath or my lungs won’t function. Once I finally manage to open the door, Kurt efficiently closes it behind us by pushing me up against it, and then his lips are on mine. There’s fire in his kiss, so much heat and passion and almost some kind of desperation. Kurt is holding the front of my jacket in his hands.

“I can’t believe it’s possible to love someone this much,” Kurt says, out of breath after the kiss, leaning his forehead against mine.

“I was kind of thinking the same,” I say, feeling all hot from that kiss and those words.

Kurt lets go of my jacket and takes a small step back from me. He is about to say something when I take a step to follow him. There is no reason why we should be so far apart that our bodies aren’t touching. Kurt chuckles when I step into his space again, but he doesn’t move away from me. Instead he wraps his arms around me and embraces me in a tight hug.

“You’re too precious, baby,” he says with a smile to his voice.

I stretch out a hand towards the small table by the door, search around a little before my fingers connect with cool metal. I take the key – Kurt’s key – and slide it down his back pocket. 

“I want to give you a key to my place, too,” Kurt says, “although I don’t see us spending much time there when we can be here.”

“I already have a key to your place,” I say.

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. You gave it to me when we were eighteen. You said that wherever you live, it’s my home too, and you wanted me to come and go just as if it were.” The memory of the gold plated key Kurt gave me for my eighteenth birthday has been something I’ve carried with me through all those years, hoping that someday that statement would be true again.

“I can’t believe you remember that. Do you still have that key?”

“Of course I do. It was the last thing you gave me. How could I throw that away? It’s upstairs in my bedroom.”

“Oh, can I see it?” Kurt says, excited for some reason.

“I want to do so much more than show you a key upstairs.”

“Well, why are we still standing down here then?” Kurt asks with a smug smile in his lips.

We shrug out of our jackets and leave our shoes on the floor. I take him by the hand and lead him upstairs. I don’t expect Kurt to actually want to see the key once we’re on my bed, but he insists I show it to him. I have it in a box in my dresser, and when I take it out, Kurt takes the box and sits down on my bed. I sit down next to him and watch him take out the key, still in the leather necklace, from the box. 

“I remember being worried that you wouldn’t like my gift,” Kurt says. “That you would think it was lame.”

“Why would I think that? This is the sweetest and most significant gift anyone has ever given to me,” I say and then on a sudden whim, I take off my shirt and put the necklace around my neck.

The flustered look on Kurt’s face doesn’t go by unnoticed. He bites his lips when his eyes follow the necklace from my neck down to where the key lies in the center of my chest, and then back up to meet my eyes.

“This is so unfair,” he says.

“What is?” I ask.

“You looking like a freaking Greek god, an incredibly sexy Greek god furthermore. How am I going to keep all those girls and boys from stealing your attention?”

I don’t know if he’s entirely joking, but I don’t like the insinuation that there’s anyone else I’d rather be with. “Come on, Kurt, don’t talk like that. You know there’s only been you for the past five years, and there will never be anyone that could steal my attention away from you. You know that.”

“I do,” Kurt says, his eyes telling me to relax and not overreact. “You just look so much sexier now then you did back then.”

“It’s just the eyeliner,” I joke. 

“It’s not,” Kurt says. “Your body is so well shaped, it’s ridiculous.”

“That’s just from spending hours taking my frustration out on the punching bag instead of using the bottle,” I say, but I don’t really want to talk about my body or the reasons why it looks as it does, I’d rather talk about Kurt. “If you want to look at someone truly sexy, without any props, you need go and look into the mirror over there.” 

I tilt my head towards the full length mirror by the dresser. It’s true, something has happened with Kurt’s body in the past half decade. But it’s not only that, not only the physical, he’s stronger, more confident. He used to be those things around me, but not around other people, now he’s that person all the time. 

Kurt blushes at my words, but he doesn’t try to deny them. That is something he would have done back then, but not this Kurt.

Kurt pulls out his phone from his back pocket and snatches a quick photo of me.

“What are you doing?” I ask, still a little blinded by the flash.

“I have an empty frame on my shelf, I need a picture to fill it with,” Kurt says, biting his lips again, making him look so darn irresistible.

“You’re full of good ideas, aren’t you?” I say and chuckle, feeling the desire to touch him, to be connected to him return.

“I might also want something good to look at when work gets too hectic.”

“Like a distraction?”

“More like a reminder of what’s waiting for me by the end of the day,” Kurt says, smiling not blushing anymore. “But the eyeliner sure is a distraction. The best kind of distraction”

There’s a smile tugging at his lips, and I can’t stop myself from pulling him on top of me as I lie down. I cup his face and connect our lips, letting my tongue slip past his lips and into his mouth. When it meets Kurt’s tongue, there are moans, and I can’t tell if they’re mine or Kurt’s or if we’re both making the same sound. All I know is that I love him, and that I’ve been longing to be back here in my bed with him all day. I remember us having sex all the time back then, and it feels like that part of our relationship hasn’t changed. We might look a little different and act a little different, but the need to be with each other in this way hasn’t changed one bit.

Kurt grinds down and I thrust up, like we’re one mind thinking the same thought. One body needing the same intimacy. Kurt pushes my legs apart with his own, sliding himself into position – the position where our cocks align, and the friction is just heavenly. My hands leave his face and slide down his back, down to his ass. He’s still wearing those damn skintight jeans, making it impossible for me to push my hands inside and feel his skin. We need to discuss his choice of pants, or just make sure he takes them off before we end up in bed because not being able to feel the skin of his ass is frustrating. 

There’s hunger in Kurt’s kisses. The desperation I was feeling in his kiss downstairs is back, there’s want and need, but more than that, there’s pure desire. His hands move down to my pants, and he curses quietly when he fumbles with the button. But then it’s open, and his hand is on my dick, and it’s all pleasure from there. I moan as I feel myself grow under his touch. Kurt touching me has always been the best feeling.

My hands move up his back, fingertips tracing along his spine, feeling soft skin and hard muscles. And goosebumps. Kurt shivers from my touch, rocks himself against my thigh, as desperate as I for contact.

“There’s something I’ve been thinking about,” Kurt says out of nowhere and stops what he’s doing.

Even if my body screams at him to continue, that talking can be done later, my mind is more rational. If Kurt is bringing this up now, it’s probably important to him.

“What is it?” I ask and try not to let out any whimpering sounds.

I think I fail because Kurt quickly says, “Oh, I didn’t mean to stop. It can wait until later.” He moves his hand back, but I stop him before it reaches its destination.

“Kurt,” I say softly, “tell me what you’re thinking.”

He rolls off of me and lies on his side next to me. I turn so that I’m facing him. “You said before that you’ve been with both men and women.”

I groan because this is not the conversation I expected to have. Not tonight, maybe not ever. That part of my life is something I would like to bury deep under something, somewhere far away. But if Kurt is asking, I will give him the answers he wants.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Kurt says when he hears my groan.

“If you want to talk about it, we should,” I say.

“I just wonder if that is something you would… you know… want?” I think my confusion is shining through because he looks at me and continues. “Do you want to be with women? Is that something you like? Are you going to miss that when you’re with me?”

Oh my poor, Kurt. _How can he be so insecure about my feelings for him?_

“You’re everything I want, Kurt. Period. Okay?”

“Okay, but I-“

“I haven’t been with any woman since I fell in love with you, not that way,” I say and feel my cheeks heat because the next part is going to make me sound like such a douche. But I know the embarrassment will pass, and that Kurt needs to know. “I only let them blow me.” 

I bury my face in his shoulder, too embarrassed to look at him. “I know I’m a horrible person,” I mumble.

“You’re not a horrible person, Blaine,” Kurt says. “What you did was horrible, but we’ve already talked about that. I don’t need to talk about it again.”

I peek up from my hiding, not sure I deserve his understanding. “Just, so that I’m perfectly clear, Kurt, I’m not attracted to any woman in any way. Nor am I to any other man - just this beautiful man on my bed.”

“Good to know,” Kurt says and smiles as he relaxes again. 

“I’m sorry about all the things I’ve done while we were apart. That’s not who I want to be… I really don’t have any explanation-”

Kurt puts a finger on my lips to quiet me. “Let’s not go there tonight, Blaine. It’s in the past. Maybe someday I want to talk about it, but not tonight. This day has had enough craziness already, I don’t want to bring any more of that into this night.”

“Okay, but there is one more thing I want to talk about.” This is something I’ve been thinking about today when it became very real that certain parts of my life I have no control over. There are things that I have to do, things he might not like. “Yesterday you asked me if I didn’t have any concerns about us. I said no, but there is one thing I’ve been thinking about that does scare me,” I confess.

“What is that?” Kurt asks, and I can feel him tensing. A small frown makes its way onto his face, like he doesn’t like the idea of me being worried about anything when it comes to him.

I meet his eyes and hold his gaze as I brace myself for this because this is a big thing, the thing that drove us apart the last time.

“I will be away a lot, on tours and doing promotions. During the summers, I will be away for months. You broke up with me because you couldn’t do long distance. Those months I won’t be able to come home… and I guess I’m scared that’s something you can’t do.”

Kurt’s answer comes fast, like he doesn’t need time to think about it. “I was naive back then. All of our time together we spent in our bubble, just the two of us with really no interference from the outside world, and I think I desperately wanted to keep it that way. I thought everything would change if we didn’t have that time, and that we would end up fighting, and I couldn't stand the thought of us changing like that. I thought that if we stayed friends we could save ourselves from that. That we would be okay.”

I understand his concerns, as I did back then, but I never agreed with him. I always believed our love was stronger than he gave it credit for. Now I hold my breath, waiting for him to continue.

“But I was so wrong, Blaine. I had no clue what my life without you would be like. I hated it, and I realized quite soon, but not soon enough, how naive I had been. I’m not scared of what the distance will do to us anymore because I know nothing is worse than not being with you. I remember you asking me if you weren’t worth the effort to me. You are, Blaine. You most definitely are. I’ve thought a lot about this too the last couple of days. About how my life will be if we decided to do this. I know it will be hard sometimes. I know I will miss you, and that I will go crazy worrying about what you’re doing. Worrying if you will fall back into old habits while on tour. But no matter what, you are worth it because I love you, and I’ll gladly suffer through all those lonely nights if I’m the one you want to come home to when it’s all over.”

My skin forms goosebumps when he speaks. “You are the one, Kurt. And there’s nothing you need to worry about. I hated my life back then, and I never want to go back to that. If by old habits you mean me inviting random strangers backstage, I hope you know I will never do that. There’s only one person I want to be intimate with, only one person that has ever meant something to me. Only one person who holds my heart.”

I hope he believes me and trusts me when it comes to this. Just the thought of being with someone other than Kurt… it’s just unthinkable.

“I’m glad we talked about this,” Kurt says. “I don’t want there to be any questions or doubts when it comes to the way I feel about you. I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how much I regret what I did back then.”

“I do.”

“Good,” Kurt says. 

He remains silent for a while, like he’s thinking about something. Apparently he is because what comes out next surprises me.

“There is one more thing I want to ask, and though I’m scared I won’t like the answer, I need to know.”

I don’t know what he wants to know because it feels like we have talked about everything, and now I’m a little worried.

“Have you ever been with Sebastian?”

I can’t help the snort of laughter that comes out of me. I shouldn’t laugh at Kurt’s concern, but the thought of me with Seb is so far out there to me. Kurt gives me a strange and not so appreciative look in return.

“Oh God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh,” I say and pull him in for a kiss to show him that there’s no one but him, and he doesn’t have to worry about things like that. His body is a little unyielding, and he pulls away from me again.

“You said he was there for you, and, I don’t know, maybe he helped you in more ways than one.”

“Not in that way, Kurt!” I swallow my laughter this time because this is a real concern to Kurt, and I try my best to be serious when I continue. “I have never been with Sebastian. He’s a friend, and I’ve never been interested in him in that way. Would that have bothered you?”

“Knowing that you’ve been with so many others is difficult, but that I can handle because I know they didn’t mean anything to you. But the thought of him touching you that way… yes, that would have bothered me. A lot. I remember the way he talked about you the first time I met him,” Kurt says and shudders. “I know he’s your friend, and that he has been there for you so many times, but I can’t help how much he gets under my skin.”

“I know he has a cocky attitude, and sometimes it bothers me too, but underneath all that, he is actually a very caring person. I’ll talk to him and make sure he doesn’t bother you again though.”

Kurt sighs. “I know he has a good heart when it comes to you, and I’ll try so see past his annoying exterior. He’s your friend, and he’s going to be around whether I like him to or not.”

“It’s okay if you don’t like him, Kurt.”

“Okay,” Kurt says and moves a little closer, his body much more compliant this time. “Can we just forget about all these things now? I really just want you to hold me and make love with me.”

“That sounds perfect to me,” I say and lean in to kiss him. 

Kurt rolls on top of me again, back to eager kisses and rocking motions. Soon we’re both without clothes, and being naked in bed with Kurt is so much better than being clothed with Kurt in bed. Kurt has always been the one taking the reins in bed, that part hasn’t changed either. He guides my hand to where he wants me to touch him. He bites, nibbles, and licks his way down my chest, leaving marks that will last a long time. Marks that I will look at in the mirror and remember this night by.

He takes me into his mouth, uses his tongue expertly as he swirls his tongue around the tip and licks into the slit. He goes fast and slow, sucks hard before he changes, and there’s hardly any friction at all, making me whine. He pulls off just before it becomes too good, like he knows I’m seconds away from coming. Like he knows this is not the way I want to come. He kisses his way up my body until our lips connect.

When he breaks the kiss, he looks at me with sparkling blue eyes filled with joy and desire.

“I know you like it when I top,” Kurt says, “and that’s what I like too, but tonight I want to feel you inside me.” He’s not blushing, not feeling shy about his wants. “Is that okay?”

“Of course it is, Kurt,” I say, hoping he’ll always stay like this, open and honest about what he wants from me in bed.

“It’s just I haven’t been with anyone that way in a very long time, and…” now Kurt is blushing, it’s cute, but I want him to feel comfortable with everything around me. I want us to be able to talk about our needs without it becoming uncomfortable. I kiss his lips softly, letting him know it’s okay, that he can say anything to me. “I want to experience it with _you_ , Blaine. I haven’t really felt comfortable enough with anyone else to let them do that.”

I want nothing more than to give him that experience. With Kurt, I want everything. Although now I’m also wondering how many men he’s been with since me. I shove those thoughts away though. I don’t want anything to distract me from relishing this moment.

“I’ll give you anything you want, Kurt. Always. I love feeling you inside me, but I have to admit I’m kind of dying to be inside you now.” Kurt chuckles, all remains of nervousness or shyness or what it was he was feeling are gone. “I’m probably too sore from yesterday anyway,” I add with a light chuckle.

“Was I that rough?” Kurt asks, worried. “I just figured that… ehm… since you…” Kurt starts, clearly not knowing how to phrase what he wants to say.

I know what he is thinking, _since you’ve been with so many men in our time apart_. I have, that’s true, but never like that.

“I’ve never let anyone touch that way. You’re the only one.”

Kurt takes a moment to take in what I just told him. “Wow, that’s… You should have told me, I could have been much gentler. I just figured…”

“I loved everything we did last night. It was perfect, Kurt. Don’t feel bad about it. I’ve actually enjoyed this feeling all day.”

Kurt chuckles and slaps my arm playfully. “ _Blaine!_ ”

“What? I have. It’s like I could still feel you inside me. I can’t help that I like that feeling.”

“I have the goofiest boyfriend ever,” Kurt says and kisses me.

I switch us around so that I’m lying on top of him. “And I have the most adorable boyfriend ever.”

Kurt places his hands on my cheeks and pulls me in for another kiss, this time softer than the desperate kisses before. His tongue moves around mine in slow movements, exploring and tasting, making me moan into his mouth. When his fingers find their way into my hair, fingertips scratching my scalp, I have to shut my eyes hard and use all of my willpower to not push into him without any preparation.

I pull away from him, not knowing how long I’ll be able to control myself if he keeps doing that. I desperately want to feel him around me, but Kurt hasn’t been with anyone that way in a very long time, and I know I need to take my time to make sure I won’t hurt him. My own needs will have to wait.

I reach for the bottle of lube, make sure to use plenty, and make eye contact with Kurt when I gently push a first finger into him. Kurt looks back, he’s relaxed and not nervous at all it seems.

“ _Shit_ , this feels good,” Kurt says when I’ve pushed my finger all the way in. “I had forgotten what this feels like.”

I try not to chuckle because it’s only _one finger_ and how will he feel when it’s my cock?

“It’s okay?” I ask when I pull out again and push gently back in.

“More than okay.”

I slowly increase my speed with every new push, trying to make it as enjoyable as possible for Kurt. When I feel him relax around my finger, I add a second. Kurt clenches around them, letting out a whimpering sound that I don’t know if it’s from pleasure or pain, but his face looks serene so I’m assuming pleasure. 

“Still okay?” I ask.

“Yes, _yes_ ,” Kurt whimpers. “Just keep going.”

I stretch him with my fingers, working them deeper into him, pushing in and pulling out. When Kurt bites down on his lip, trying to hold back his moans, I bend my fingers just so and find that magical spot.

“ _Oh, fuck!_ ” Kurt cries out, unable to hold back. I sweep my fingertips over it again and Kurt lets out another cry. I see his untouched cock twitch on his belly, pre-cum leaking out and dripping down.

“You’re beautiful like this,” I tell him. “You’re always beautiful, Kurt.”

Kurt’s eyes meet mine for a second, eyes filled with adoration, before he shuts them when my finger brushes over his prostate again.

I bend down to lick his cock while adding a third finger. I love tasting his pre-cum, and I feel myself swell when the taste hits my tongue. I’m trying hard not to rush this, but I’m so turned on and excited about the prospect of being inside Kurt, of hearing the sounds he makes when my fingers stretch him open, that my willpower is really being tested.

“Now,” Kurt says. “I need you inside me now, Blaine. If you keep doing that I’m going to come before I even get the chance to feel you inside me.”

“I really want to feel you around me,” I admit. “I’m desperate for it.”

“ _Oh God_ , shut up, Blaine. Just do it.” 

Apparently I’m not the only one desperate here. I pull out my fingers and reach for the condom and more lube. I keep eye contact as I slowly push inside. Kurt winces once, and I feel him clench around me so I stop.

“Keep going,” Kurt says before I get the chance to ask him if he’s okay, if I should stop. “Please don’t stop.”

So I keep pushing in, slowly until I can’t anymore. The feeling of being inside him again after so many years is overwhelming, and I can feel the heat building up already. This is going to be over so much faster than I would want it to. I try to think about something else, but feeling Kurt around me, seeing him lying in my bed below me, it’s impossible to think about anything but this feeling, this moment.

“Move, baby,” Kurt reminds me and trails his fingers up my arms. So I do. I pull out and push back in. Slowly. Knowing that if I go too fast, I will only be seconds from coming. But slow is also so good. I’ve never had the problem of coming too fast. Not with anyone but Kurt. It was the same when we were eighteen.

I take his hands in mine, lace our fingers together, and place our hands beside his face. I lean down to kiss him, the shift in position making Kurt moan louder. He thrusts back when I push in again and again, just as desperate as I for the amazing feeling we’re creating while moving our bodies together.

“I love you,” I whisper into his ear.

Kurt answers by attacking _that_ spot on my neck, nibbling at first but then sucking hard, and Oh God that is not helping me hold back my orgasm.

“S-stop, Kurt,” I moan. “Or I’ll come so much faster than you’ll want me too.”

“Touch me,” Kurt moans back, and then when I snatch my hips forward, “ _oh fuck Blaine!_ ” His breathing is strained, and it’s like he doesn’t know if he should suck or bite or just breathe. “I’m so close, Blaine. _Please_ , touch me.”

I reach down between us and take him in my hand, stroking in rhythm with my thrusts. I look down between our bodies, watch my hand curled around his cock, watch it squirt out white strings all over his belly. I hear Kurt let out sounds that might be the most sinful thing to ever cross his lips.

Watching him come is always mesmerizing, more so tonight for some reason, and it’s impossible to hold back my own release. With just one more thrust, I come buried deep inside him. I keep thrusting weakly into him because this feeling is sooo good, and I don’t want it to end, but soon I become dizzy and my arms go weak, and I collapse on top of Kurt.

“Are you breathing, baby?” Kurt asks after a while, gently stroking his fingers across my back. There’s a smile to his voice. Happy, post-orgasm Kurt is one of my favorite versions of him.

“Barely,” I answer, not quite ready to move yet. “Are you okay?”

“I’m perfect.”

I manage to lift my head enough to look at him, and the smile I’m greeted with is so filled with love that I feel my heart swell. 

It takes me a minute or two to get my breathing and heartbeat back to normal, or at least to a state where I’m able to move again. I pull out of Kurt and throw away the condom. Then I snuggle in close to him and pull the covers over us.

“We should shower,” Kurt says. I feel his stickiness on my stomach, and I’m guessing he’s feeling it, too.

“Later,” I tell him. “Right now I just want to lay in your arms.”

Kurt wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. I tuck my head into the crook of his neck and let myself be held. 

“That was amazing,” Kurt says into my hair.

“Yeah?” I ask. “You’re sure you’re okay? Did it hurt a lot?”

“Don’t worry about it, Blaine. I’m not eighteen anymore. I can take a little pain and know that the pleasure that comes after is so worth it.”

I understand exactly what he means, and I also know that soon there won’t be any pain involved at all when we’re together. I don’t worry about this part of our relationship, but there is something else that I do worry about.

“This last day has been kind of intense,” I say. “How are you feeling?”

“It has,” Kurt admits, “but you have to know how happy I am. I love you, Blaine, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

“I love you, too,” I say and smile into his neck. “But you know our days won’t always be like this. Not when there’s work and paparazzi and fans and God knows what else.”

“I know, but we managed pretty well with the paparazzi today, didn’t we?” Kurt says, and I nod, placing a kiss on his collarbone. “Those things don’t worry me. Maybe they should, but I just feel like you and me, we can face anything as long as we’re together,” Kurt says.

“And as long as we’re honest with each other,” I add.

“Always. I can’t imagine living my life without you, Blaine. Let’s not do that again.”

“Never,” I say.

“Let’s just deal with one day at a time, okay?”

I feel myself relax. We can do this. Our love is strong. Maybe stronger than it was back then, but we’ve gone through a lot to be here, had to fight to end up in this place, and this time we know what we want. Our relationship might still be a secret, but for a completely different reason. This time because we both chose it to be that way. Our friends know, Burt knows, and that’s all that really matters.

“I’m looking forward to going back to Lima,” I say and actually mean it. I’ve been avoiding that place for so long, avoiding the people living there, but now I kind of long for all of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like the boys are going back to Lima in the next chapter :)  
> My plan is to update next chapter on Sunday and then the final chapter next Sunday, but it might be a few days later and I'm really sorry that I can't be more precise than this...


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had kept to a strict changing of pov's for each chapter (which I never really have to be honest) this should have been a chapter from Kurt's pov, but this one really needed to be told from Blaine's. There's not a lot of Klaine in it, but for me this chapter was important to complete the whole story. It's the longest chapter of all posted yet (ch. 17 a close second with only a 100 words less ;) ), and I thought about splitting it into two because I knew before I started to write it that it would be long (one weekend in one chapter - what was I thinking??). But I did say this would be a 55 chapter story, so you'll have to put up with this extremely long chapter :)

**Blaine, Friday October 27th 2017, 09.03 am**

“Kurt?”

“Yes, baby?”

“When are you going to admit that you’ve moved into my apartment?”

“I haven’t.” Kurt is very determined.

We’re in my bedroom, packing the final things before we head to the airport. Over the past month, more and more of Kurt’s stuff have found their way into my apartment. I don’t mind, I love it actually, love having things around me that remind me of him. He has made this place feel like a home instead of a show house. At first it was little things like his toothbrush next to mine, a few pillows on the couch, his breakfast food in my fridge. But after a while, his clothes were in my wardrobe, pictures of us were carefully placed around the apartment, new, fluffier towels replaced my old ones in the bathroom. But for some reason he can’t admit that he’s moved in.

“You have, Kurt. You spend almost every night here, your clothes take up more space than mine, and Sophie even has her own litter box.” I close my bag and sit down on the bed.

“This is your place, Blaine. Not mine.” Kurt is unrelenting, and I don’t understand why.

“It is your place too, Kurt, don’t be silly. You know how much I love it when you’re here, how it doesn’t feel like home when you’re missing. You have your own key, and you come and go as if you lived here, so why can’t you admit that you actually do?”

Kurt stops what he’s doing and sits down on the other side of the bed, his back turned towards me, his voice sounding small. “You never asked me if I wanted to move in...” 

Oh… _I didn’t realize he needed me to ask_. I just assumed he knew I wanted him to. I move across the bed and wrap my arms around him from behind. “Do you want to move in with me, Kurt Hummel?” I say the words close to his ear, making him shiver.

“I do,” Kurt says and places his hands on top of mine. His voice is much softer and more yielding than before. “I would love to live with you.”

I chuckle tenderly into his hair. “Have I ever told you how adorable you are?”

“How could I know for sure that you wanted me to live here if you never asked?” Kurt asks and turns his head slightly to look at me.

“I thought I told you to assume away when it comes to these things. I want to share my life with you, of course I want to live with you.” I meet his lips in a soft peck.

“So I won’t renew my lease then.” He kisses me back before he excitedly continues. “Is it okay if I rearrange the living room? The couch would fit so much better against the wall facing the window.”

“Do whatever you want, Kurt,” I chuckle. “This is officially your home too now.”

“Oh, I have so many plans!” Kurt says and claps his hands.

I can’t do anything but laugh at his enthusiasm. “How many times have you rearranged this apartment in your head?”

“Just a few…” Kurt says and smiles. “I might have some plans for this room, too.”

“Oh God, I love you so much,” I say, hug him tight, and pull him down on top of me on the bed.

Kurt lets out a surprised laugh, but then he kisses me, and everything else but his lips on mine, his tongue swirling around mine, disappears. I could spend forever kissing Kurt and never get tired of it.

“Should we get going?” Kurt asks when he breaks the kiss.

“Can we stay?” I’m excited about going to Lima, to see Burt, to see our friends, but right now, kissing Kurt in my, no in _our_ , bed feels much more tempting. With my palms on his cheeks, I meet his lips in another kiss. I wrap my legs around his to anchor him close to me, to make it harder for him to get up from this bed. There might also be a _tiny_ thrust of my hips.

“Even if you make a convincing argument, no we can’t,” Kurt laughs, his face shining like the sun above me. “Are you ready?”

“Are you?”

We both know our lives are about to change. Well mostly Kurt’s. We’ve managed to keep our relationship a secret since we got back together. No one has been able to figure out whom I went up to perform to at that restaurant, and our friends have been great and kept the secret safe. But now, we will travel together, we will go to the wedding together, and I sure as hell intend to dance with Kurt at that wedding. We will get noticed. We’ve talked a lot about it, and even though I want to keep Kurt safe, away from the spotlight, we both know that this moment was going happen sooner or later. Now at least it’s on our terms.

“I think so,” Kurt says. “I don’t think there is a way for you to prepare yourself for something like this, but as long as I have you, I know I’ll be okay.”

“And you’ll always have me,” I say.

“Then I’ll always be okay.” Kurt smiles and kisses my nose.

Hearing Kurt use the word always in reference to us makes my belly flutter. It’s only been a month, but it’s so clear to the both of us that _this is it_. This is forever. We know the mistakes we made, and we know how not to repeat them. 

After minutes of more kissing - I don’t know how many because kissing Kurt always make me lose track of time - we have to tear ourselves away from each other before things become too heated, or we’ll miss our flight. It’s hard because I know there will be nothing of that in Lima, not under Burt’s roof. Not gonna happen, no matter how much Kurt’s going to beg me.

“Are you sure Sophie will be okay staying with your friends while we’re away?” I ask. I’ve grown quite attached to that furry, little animal. I feel like we have a special bond, and I don’t like that we’re leaving her with people she’s not used to.

“You’re so sweet when you worry about her, baby,” Kurt says. “She’s stayed with them before, and she’ll be perfectly fine. Ali loves to spoil her, and even if Sophie does her best to stay away in the beginning, by the time this weekend is over, she’ll be purring in Ali’s lap. Besides, your idea to let Sebastian watch her was horrible. Why would you even think about giving a key to this place to him? Have you learnt nothing?” Kurt’s voice is playful, and like he’s enjoying reminding me of this more than he should.

“I know, I know…” I say with a little laugh and hang my head in embarrassment. _That_ had not been my brightest idea. I just thought it’d be easier for her to stay at home than at an unfamiliar place. But giving a key to Seb after changing the locks, would be like giving him permission to come and go as he pleases.

Kurt chuckles when he looks at me. “Okay, let’s get going,” he says and tugs me up from the bed.

In the taxi to the airport, Kurt grows quieter the closer we get there, and I can tell he’s getting nervous. I take his hand in mine, making him turn his face from the window to look at me. There’s a fraction of a smile there, one that grows when our eyes connect. His hand relaxes in mine, and I can see some of the tension leave his body.

I let go of his hand when we step out of the taxi and don’t take it again until we’re in the taxi to the Hummel residence. We’ve both decided to not draw attention to ourselves by being overly affectionate in public. Not yet.

Before we board our flight, I get noticed by a few fans at the gate. No one really pays too much attention to Kurt, though. They’re the kind of fans that appreciate me for my music and nothing else. 

I can feel Kurt relax the closer we get to Lima. But as he relaxes, I feel my own anxiety levels increase. I’ve made so many mistakes to the people in this town, and now I’m about to face them. I want to make those apologizes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not scared about the response. 

“It’s going to be fine,” Kurt assures me when the taxi parks on the street just outside his old home. “Dad loves you, and you know how excited he is about meeting you again.”

I know, but I still worry. He was like my dad, and I didn’t talk to him for five years. Somewhere underneath the excitedness, he has to be upset with me.

“I hope that you’re right,” I say.

“I am, Blaine, you know I am.” Kurt presses my hand lightly before he lets it go for the first time since we got into this taxi. 

We pay the driver and step out onto the street. Kurt takes my hand in his again as we start walking up the driveway. When we’re by the steps leading up to the front porch, the door opens and Burt comes rushing down, forgoes Kurt, and wraps me up in the biggest hug. I drop my bag to the ground and let go of Kurt’s hand to hug him back.

“Welcome home, son,” Burt says, and there’s no way for me to stop the tears from coming. Burt is hugging me. I’m his son and this is my home. 

“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice cracking, as I hug him a little tighter.

Kurt clears his throat besides us after a few seconds. “What about your actual son?” 

“Give us a moment,” Burt says, his voice warm and teasing, just as Kurt’s. “We haven’t seen each other in forever.”

But then he lets me go and hugs Kurt instead, which gives me a moment to dry my tears and recompose myself. Even while hugging his dad, Kurt reaches out his hand to me, and I lace our fingers together. I feel blessed. These two are my family. Even after everything that has happened, I know they will always be my home. 

It’s with a sudden clarity then that I realize that one day I will marry Kurt, and Burt will be my father-in-law, and then I’ll be his son _for real_. That thought makes me smile again.

Once inside, I’m introduced to Carole, whose embrace is almost as tight as Burt’s. She’s a real sweetheart, and she doesn’t seem to care one bit about who I am beside Kurt’s boyfriend.

When Burt and Carole are preparing coffee, Kurt’s hand finds its way into mine again, and he takes a step closer so that only I can hear what he has to say.

“Did something happen outside before?” He asks. “You went from crying to having the biggest smile on your lips.”

“I just realized that this is my home, that you and Burt are my family,” I say because I don’t intend to tell him about my thoughts about marrying him. The day I ask him to marry me, I want it to be a surprise. 

“Aww, baby…” Kurt says, and I think there might be tears in his eyes now. I put my arms around his waist and tuck my head into the crook of his neck. Kurt holds me tight, and the last lingering notes of my worries about coming back to this house disappear. Being here - in Kurt’s arms, in this kitchen, in this house - this is home in every sense of the word.

“Enough with the cuteness,” Burt says with a light voice. “I saw enough of that puppy love five years ago. I didn’t think I’d had to relive all of that again this time.”

“Some things never change, Dad,” Kurt says without letting go of me. “Might as well get used to it.”

The afternoon goes by fast. We have coffee, we talk, and we laugh. Everything is easy. _Too easy_ it feels like, but I know I need to let go of my worries and enjoy being surrounded by people who love me. 

We unpack down in Kurt’s old room. Being down there is like moving back in time. We’re eighteen again, those feelings of falling in love and being giddy returning, as does the inability to keep our hands away from each other. To be fair though, we’ve been acting like eighteen ever since we got back together, and we haven’t been able to stop touching each other since. I just can’t get enough of him.

Kurt pulls me down on his bed beside him, his hands under my shirt, his lips on mine.

“What do you want to do?” He asks, a mischievous look in his eyes.

“ _Kurt_ , we just got here.”

“You know I can be superfast and very quiet,” Kurt says and rolls on top of me.

“No, Kurt. I told you, it’s not going to happen this weekend. Not with Burt upstairs.”

Kurt groans in frustration. “I’ve told you that he won’t hear a thing. He’ll be two floors above us, sleeping.”

“Doesn’t matter because he will know. I think he can sense this kind of things.”

“Well if he already “knows”, we might as well do it,” Kurt says, trying to convince me. “But you know he has no idea what we’re doing down here, right?”

“Sorry, Kurt.” My mind is made up.

Kurt groans and rolls off from me again. “I bet I can find a way to convince you later tonight when the house is quiet, and everyone is sleeping.”

I bet he can’t.

When Kurt hits the shower, I return upstairs to talk to Burt and Carole. I find Carole in the kitchen, preparing dinner.

“Did you find everything alright down there?” She asks.

“Yes, everything is just the same as when Kurt lived here,” I answer because his room hasn’t changed in anyway.

“Burt is in the living room. Why don’t you grab a beer in the fridge and join him?” Carole suggests.

“I don’t drink, but a glass of water would be nice,” I say.

I see a slight blush creep up on Carole’s cheeks as she realizes the slip. “Oh, I’m so sorry… I forgot, Blaine. How unthoughtful of me,” she says and grabs a glass from the cabinet above the sink and fills it with water.

“Don’t be, it’s not a big deal,” I say and accept the glass she’s handing me. I hardly know Carole, but she has this way about her that makes it easy to open up. “I have a drinking problem, but I’m dealing with it. Kurt made me go and talk to someone about it.”

Those conversations have been so awkward and so embarrassing. I don’t like going there and spilling my life and feelings to a stranger I don’t know if I can trust. I’m still wary about word getting around, but at the same time, I understand that I have to. It doesn’t mean however that I don’t come home drained after every session. But Kurt is always there, waiting to wrap me up in his arms, and just hold me until the tenseness in my shoulders disappears. He never asks me what we talk about, but I think that’s because he can sense that it’s difficult enough for me to talk about it for forty five minutes, and that there’s no energy left in me to talk about it again when I get home. 

I enter the living room, where Burt sits in his usual recliner. He’s watching a basketball game, but when he sees me come in, he mutes the TV. I place my water glass on the coffee table as I sit down on the couch.

“Who’s winning?” I ask and point towards the TV.

“I don’t know, the game just started,” Burt says while looking at me. It’s like he’s not only looking at me, he sees me. “How are you doing, Blaine?”

“I’m good,” I say. “A little tired from the trip, but I’m happy to be here.”

“How are you _really_ doing?” Burt asks, getting straight to the point.

“I’m better than I’ve been in a long time,” I answer truthfully. I know Kurt has told him about my drinking, and about the mess I’ve been in our years apart.

“I’m glad to hear,” Burt says. “And Kurt, he’s helping you?”

“Just being around him is what helps me the most,” I tell him truthfully. Kurt is the best kind of distraction. When I’m with him, he’s all I’m focusing on. But I know I can’t rely on him too much. “Kurt is always a rock,” I continue, “but I try not to trouble him with this. I’ve started seeing someone about my problems, and I think it’s helping. But I know Kurt still worries about me, which is hard for me because I don’t want to become a burden to him.”

This past month hasn’t passed without bumps in the road. It’s been hard finding a way to be together, to be the person you want to be for the other and with the other, without losing who you are to yourself. We’ve had our disagreements and heated arguments, but it’s only because we both want this so much. We want to do it right, but sometimes it becomes all wrong. But we’re slowly finding our place, and even if it sometimes it’s hard, we know that it all comes from a place of love. From a deep desire to be together.

“I don’t think you have to worry about that. Kurt is stronger than he gets credit for, and his love for you is unquestionable,” Burt says and smiles.

“And I love him very much too,” I say. “Just so that you know.” 

“Oh, that’s clear,” Burt chuckles. “You two haven’t changed one bit when it comes to being inseparable and keeping your hands away from each other.”

“I’m here alone now,” I say trying to pull off offended, but not succeeding in the slightest.

Burt chuckles again. “Only because Kurt takes the longest showers in the history of the world.”

I let out a laugh because Burt is not wrong. Kurt really takes forever to shower and get himself ready afterwards. Although lately, some of those long showers might be my fault…

Burt takes a swig of his beer before he puts the bottle down and rests it against the arm rest. He looks at me with much more seriousness than before. “What happened back then?” He asks. “You just disappeared.”

I sigh, hang my head, hiding it in my hands, elbows resting on my thighs. I’m embarrassed about my behavior. I know it was childish to just turn my back on everything instead of dealing with it.

Burt is quiet, giving me time to find my answer. I know he needs that answer, that he deserves it. But I’m ashamed of the way I acted, and it’s difficult to talk about.

“I got lost,” I say and look up at him. “Everything went against me at the same time, and I couldn’t handle it. Kurt was my world, and I…” my voice cracks. This is so much harder than I want it to be. But it’s Burt, and I feel like I failed him.

“You know you could have come to me, right? That I would have treated you the same way I treat Kurt. That I would have been able to see beyond mine and Kurt’s biological bond. Because you are my son too, Blaine. And when you left like that, without a word, it broke my heart.”

My chest is so tight from the pain I feel at having caused him so much sorrow. My heart physically hurts. If I could go back in time and change some things, this would be one of them.

“I know that now,” I say slowly, voice full of sadness, “but I couldn’t see it then. You were Kurt’s dad and I just figured you would take his side. I thought it would be easier for everyone if I stayed away. I’m sorry, Burt… I never meant to be a burden to you.” The tears are so close to spilling over that it takes all of my willpower to hold them back.

“You’re not a burden, Blaine. This is what parents do. We help our kids through hard times, and we rejoice with them in times of happiness. Wait until you have kids of your own, and you’ll see what I mean.” He says with a chuckle. But then he becomes serious again. “If Kurt leaves again. Will you act the same?” 

“No. Never. I’ve learnt from my mistakes. I don’t have many friends, but I know not to shut them out if things get bad. I know that I need them, and that I can lean on them. That it’s okay to be weak and ask for help. I know that I have you…”

“Good. Because I’m not getting any younger, you know. My heart isn’t getting any stronger, and I can’t handle more of the worry and the not knowing.”

“It won’t happen again,” I assure him.

“What won’t happen again?”

I turn my head towards the door to the kitchen to see Kurt standing there. “Me turning my back on everything if things get bad again.”

“We just got here, and you’re already questioning him about this?” Kurt says to his dad. There’s a hint of anger in his voice.

“It’s okay, Kurt. Burt deserved an explanation, and I’m glad we talked about it.”

“I hope you understand now, that you’re always welcome here, no matter what happens. I meant what I said when I said “welcome home”. This is your home just as much as Kurt’s.”

“Thank you, Burt. This means more to me than you can ever imagine.”

“Okay, come here and give me a hug,” Burt says cheerfully, and I think he’s trying to hide the tears that are showing in the corners of his eyes.

I stand up, and so does Burt, and he gives me one of those tight, bone crushing hugs that only he can. The kind that makes you feel loved and cared for. This one leaves no room for misinterpretations – he has forgiven me for the mistakes I’ve made.

The rest of the evening flies by. Carole has made the most delightful dinner, conversation is easy with lots of laughter and questions about my life as a pop star. I share as much as I feel comfortable with, not wanting to dampen the good mood around the table. I tell them about my next single, and then Burt makes me sing it. He has saved my old guitar - the one he replaced with a new one on my eighteenth birthday, the one I left behind when I turned my back on this house, and he brings it out for me to play on. 

I can’t believe he saved it all these years. It makes me indescribably happy somehow that he kept something of mine, even after the way I treated him. It’s out of tune and even after tuning it, you can still tell that it’s an old guitar that has seen better days. 

The song is about Kurt because all of my songs are, and even if he has heard it before, I can still see him wipe away a few tears. Carole isn’t doing any better than Kurt, and I wish I had chosen a different song to sing. But this song is so special to me, almost as special as _Beautiful Mess_ , and I can’t wait to share it with my fans. After this weekend everyone will know about me and Kurt, and this song will cement my feelings for him.

When the clock turns ten, I’ve been yawning for thirty minutes, and Kurt suggests we go to bed. I try to protest because we’re having such a good time, and I want to stay up and talk. But at the same time, snuggling up next to Kurt in his bed sounds so tempting, and my protests become rather weak.

Downstairs, with showers and tooth brushing out of the way, with my body pressed close to Kurt’s, and Kurt’s fingers running through my hair, it only takes seconds for me to fall asleep.

-x-x- 

I’m having the best dream, and I know it’s a dream because a blowjob has never felt like this. Kurt is good, he’s beyond good, but the Kurt in my dream has some exceptional skills, and the dream is so vivid that I feel myself being right there, right on the edge, ready to tip over.

I wake up with a sudden jerk, thinking that I don’t want to make a mess in the sheets, but the dream lingers, and it still feels so real, and I’m so close that I can’t stop myself from coming with a loud moan of Kurt’s name.

I expect to feel the wet stickiness all around me, but all I feel is Kurt pulling off and climbing up on top of me, a proud look on his face. I should be mad at him for not listening to me, but I’m feeling so laxed after that orgasm that all I can do is smile at him.

“You’re crazy,” I say, not really sure why I didn’t see this coming. It’s not the first time Kurt has woken me up with a blowjob.

“I told you this would happen,” he says, a pleased smirk on his lips. “But I thought you were worried about being loud because that wasn’t exactly quiet.”

“If your dad comments anything on this, I’m putting all the blame on you,” I say and pull him down for a kiss. “But you’re not getting one in return.”

“I know,” Kurt says, still smiling. “This was all for you. I know you worry about today, and I just thought I’d help you start the day in a relaxed way.”

“In the best way.”

Today is the wedding. Today is the day when I face my old friends. Today is another day of apologies. Apologies that I have to make. That I want to make. But it’s still difficult, and I do worry because I don’t know how they will react. Kurt says I’m worrying about nothing, but I can’t believe that everyone will forgive me just like that.

“It’s strange being down here with you again,” Kurt says and lies down beside me. He props himself up on one elbow and lets his fingers trace patterns on my chest. “It feels like a different life, and it feels like it was yesterday.”

“We have many good memories from this bed,” I say and smile as I remember all of them. And some sad ones too, but I don’t want to think about our last night here right now.

“It’s too bad we can’t relive any of them.”

I laugh at him. He is so not liking my determination right now. Once I set my mind on something, I can be very firm about it. Kurt knows it, but still he tries. “We can relive all of them when we get back home, snuggy.”

“Oh God, no! Not that horrible name!” Kurt says and laughs.

“I thought you wanted to relive memories from this bed. I believe that name was invented here.”

“Some things are better left in the past, baby. We don’t have to relive everything.”

“How about reliving Saturday morning breakfast with your dad and the awkward feeling of wondering if we were too loud?”

Kurt laughs again. “How many times do I have to tell you that he can’t hear a thing upstairs?”

I’m still not as convinced as Kurt about that. I remember him saying he knew exactly what went on in his basement.

When we enter the kitchen, the coffee is brewing and Carole is setting the table. “Your timing is perfect,” she says with that warm smile that I think she always carries. Burt appears a few minutes later, and we sit down to enjoy breakfast together.

My hand finds Kurt’s under the table. Touching him, being close to him, gives me comfort. Kurt glances at me, flipping his hand to lace our fingers, his eyes asking if something is wrong. I smile in return. Nothing is wrong. I’m having breakfast with people that I love and for once everything feels normal. I’m not surrounded by people telling me what to do, how to act, or what to say. I’m with people who see me, and who like me for me. 

I think I need to have a talk with Jeff when I return. My contract will have to be renegotiated, or I might not want to do this anymore. I have no clue what I want to do if they don’t agree with my terms, but I have enough money to get by while I figure that out. I have a new dream, and I’m already living it.

After breakfast we go for a walk. I’m too restless to sit still and wait for the afternoon to arrive. Lima is pretty in fall colors, and Kurt is pretty in one of his many scarves. He says you can never have too many scarves, and although I normally disagree, today I’m happy he brought several so that I could borrow one. 

Walking hand in hand down the streets is not something we’ve been able to do in New York. It’s such an ordinary thing to do, but my life isn’t ordinary, and now I’m enjoying it far more than is probably deemed normal. I don’t intend to let Kurt’s hand go today. I’m going to stay close by his side during the wedding. I like being close to him, but that’s not the main reason. I want everyone to know that I am his. He’s the man in my life, and I’m not afraid to let everyone know it. My life is changing in so many ways - some of which I have no control over - but this change I like. We can still enjoy our little bubble at home, just the two of us, that won’t change.

When the afternoon arrives, I’m dressed in a gorgeous maroon colored suit that Kurt has designed for me. He told me he was sketching it when he figured out I was the one he wanted to be with, and that makes it very special to me. Kurt seems to have a thing for me in bowties, as this is not the first time he’s chosen one for me to wear.

Kurt’s suit is a warm, dark blue one, a little toned down for being him, but I think that he doesn’t want to draw too much attention to himself tonight. The skinny black tie, that makes my knees a little weak, is in place against his white shirt.

Burt takes pictures of us like we’re going to prom, before he drives us to the church where the wedding will be officiated. The closer we get, the clammier my palms get. Kurt told me to call them and talk to them before we got here, but I wanted to have these conversations in person. Now I’m kind of regretting that.

“Relax, baby,” Kurt leans in and says close to me. 

“Easy for you to say,” I almost snap at him. It’s the nerves and nothing else that’s making me testy. “You’re not the one who shut your friends out for several years.”

“I kind of did too, Blaine. I know it’s hard, but they forgave me, and they’re going to forgive you too.”

I hope he’s right. 

Burt drops us off and tells us to call when we want a ride home tonight. Kurt tells him not to wait up, that we’ll get a cab home.

I cling to Kurt as we walk from the parking lot to the church. I hate feeling this way. I can perform in front of thousands of people without being bothered by it, but seeing five old friends has me almost as nervous as the night I walked up to Kurt at the Flying Duck.

When I feel two hands sneak up to cover my eyes, I’m so not prepared for it and jump in surprise. As the hands slip away, I turn around to face a smiling Quinn. She surprises me with throwing herself in my arms and hugging me tight. I let go of Kurt’s hand to hug her back.

I’ve always felt like Quinn gets me, especially after she found out about me and Kurt, and we had that talk on our camping trip. She gave me the words I needed to understand that I was gay. Now her words are soft against my ear.

“I’ve missed you so much, B. Don’t disappear like that again, okay?”

She lets me go and takes a step back. I’m about to say the words I’ve been practicing in my head the past week, but as my eyes land on the small, but clearly visible bump on her belly, those words are forgotten.

“You’re pregnant,” I state. 

“Yes.” Her face glows as she strokes a hand over her belly.

“Oh my God, you’re pregnant, Quinn!” Kurt squeals besides me and steps in to hug her.

Quinn laughs at my overexcited boyfriend, and I watch the two of them embrace each other. My eyes then land on Puck standing behind her. He smiles at the two of them, but when his eyes meet mine, the smile falters slightly. I should say something, but I’m frozen to the spot.

Instead it is Puck who steps around Quinn and approaches me. He reaches out his hand to greet me.

“Dude, you’ve been pretty absent lately.”

I shake his hand, while trying to get the right words to cross my lips, but it’s like they’re all forgotten. “I know, I’m sorry…”

“I know you’ve been busy and all, but answering a call or a text wouldn’t have taken you more than five minutes, right?”

I can’t tell from the tone of his voice if he’s upset, or if this is his way of joking. There were calls and texts from all of them, especially in the beginning, but even years later, there were still occasional texts that I read but didn’t know how to answer. Then I changed my number, and there was, of course, nothing more.

“You’re right, it wouldn’t, and I wished I had done things differently, but I didn’t, and all I can say is that I’m sorry, and that I regret what I did.”

Please forgive me. I can’t get the words to cross my lips, but that’s what I most of all want to say.

Puck looks at me for a second before he puts his arm around my shoulders. “I don’t fully get what happened between you and Kurt, but Quinn’s told me you stayed away because of him. Now you’re back, and I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t be able to put this behind us.” 

“Thank you,” I say feeling more tension roll off of me.

“Besides, Quinn would get fucking upset with me if I didn’t forgive you, and trust me, you do not want to go against a hormonal Quinn,” Puck adds in a low voice so that only I can hear.

I chuckle, but he looks so serious, almost scared, like he’s tested her patience more than one time too many, that I immediately stop.

“Oh, it’s not funny Anderson,” Puck says seriously, but I can still hear the affection in his voice. “This kid better be a mini Puck because I don’t know if I can handle two Quinns,” he adds and laughs.

“I can’t believe you’re going to be a dad,” I say because I can’t quite picture it in front of me.

“Yeah, don’t know how that happened… well, I know _how_ , but it’s still hard to grasp, you know.”

It feels nice to have this kind of normal conversation. Some things haven’t changed even if it’s been years.

Quinn walks over to us and Puck lets go of me and instead puts his arm around Quinn.

“Shall we go inside?” Quinn asks.

Kurt comes up by my side and sneaks his hand into mine. “Everything okay?” He asks as we make our way towards the church. His words might be few, but the concern and the caring nature with which they are said makes me feel loved.

“Yes, I think so,” I answer and pull him a little closer to kiss his cheek. Being in Kurt’s immediate proximity grounds me. Even if seeing Quinn and Puck went well, I still worry about the others. Mostly Sam, because Mike and Tina did after all invite me to their wedding. But being close to Kurt, our hands joined like I’m an extended part of him, makes me feel safe. Connected. No matter what happens here tonight, no matter if I’m given the cold shoulder or there is no forgiveness to have, I have him. It’s that thought that makes me finally relax, walk proudly into that church, and enjoy the wedding.

I notice people recognizing me. I hear their whispers and see their not so subtle ways of taking pictures without wanting me to notice. I knew this would happen, and I almost welcome it. I’m proud to be with Kurt, I don’t care if the world knows. If Kurt notices, and if it scares him, he doesn’t show. 

The wedding ceremony is wonderful. Tina looks stunning in her dress, and Mike’s vows are so strikingly beautiful that I don’t think there’s a dry eye in the church. The tissues I brought come to good use as Kurt’s eyes seem unable to stop welling up with tears. 

“Are you okay?” I ask, resting my hand on his thigh.

“I just love weddings,” is Kurt’s only response as he places his hand on top of mine.

The wedding reception is held at a country club just outside of Lima. The venue is decorated in fall colors, and I can see that even Kurt is impressed with what they have done to the place.

I’m seated between Kurt and Quinn, which is a relief because they know me, and they like me. Also seated at our table is Sam and his girlfriend, and two other couples that I don’t know.

Sam doesn’t come over to greet me when he arrives at our table. Other than a courteous nod in my direction, he pretty much ignores me. I feel my heart sink even though I had prepared myself for this reaction. Or I thought I had prepared myself but now that my fears seem to become reality, I feel myself closing in on myself. I feel tiny and insignificant, like the worlds biggest fool, and I become quiet and shy. I try to tell myself that I’m over reacting, that his reaction to seeing me doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s upset with me. Maybe he didn’t want to make a scene and have that conversation before dinner, or maybe he’s intimidated by my fame. But deep down I know that’s not the case.

I watch the others laugh and throw themselves into conversations, but I remain quiet unless asked a direct question.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Kurt asks when the first course is being served.

“I don’t think Sam is happy to see me. I’ve tried making eye contact, but he refuses to look at me.”

Kurt’s hand finds mine under the table, and again, his touch calms me, makes it easier to breathe.

“I know he wants to talk to you, but I think he’s waiting for you to reach out. I know it’s hard, but I think you need to be the one starting that conversation.”

I know he’s right. I’m the one who messed up. I need to be the one fixing it. But as the dinner continues, there’s never really an opportunity for me to talk to him. My feelings about the conversation I need to have only gets worse the longer the night proceeds.

“We should go and say hi to Tina and Mike,” Kurt says as we’re finishing our dessert. He pulls me up from my chair and guides me through the labyrinth of tables scattered around the big room.

There are two empty chairs across from the bride and groom at the head table. When we sit down, and Tina notices us, she gives out a big squeal.

“Oh my God, it’s you, Blaine!”

She hurries around the table and throws herself into my arms. She might be a little over excited because of this being her wedding day (and maybe because of a little too much wine as well), but her excitement to see me again is still clear, and I happily wrap my arms around her. 

“I’m so glad that you came to my wedding! You must be so busy, and still, here you are!” Tina continues.

“My friends are getting married, of course I’m here,” I answer. “Congratulations, I’m so happy for the both of you.”

“Thank you! I always knew I was going to marry Mike, but I was still so surprised when he got down on his knee and proposed. And now I can strike the “Cohen” part out of my name and be Tina Chang,” she laughs. “Ah, I’m so happy! And I’m so happy that you and Kurt are back together. I never really got to see you two together back then, but I wish I had because you two are my favorite boys! Except for Mike, of course.”

“I’m happy too,” I say and smile at her happy, bubbly personality. The words just keeps flowing out of her. “Kurt is all I’ve ever wanted, and I wish that you’d got to see us together. I wish I had done a lot of things differently back then…”

“Aww, stop it. Don’t make me cry on my wedding day, Blaine. We’ll have plenty of time to talk about what happened, but not tonight. Just know that I’m happy that you’re back. You’re part of our group, you always have been, no matter where you’ve been.”

“I thought you said no tears,” I say teasingly as I feel myself getting emotional from her words. There’s so much forgiveness in her, and in Quinn and Puck, I’m not sure I deserve it. But I am forever grateful for my friends, and I make a pledge to myself to make it up to them somehow.

“No tears for me. You, on the other hand, are free to cry as much as you want to,” she says with a smile before she hugs me again and returns to the other side of the table. 

We sit and talk for a little while longer. Mike is just as excited as Tina to see me and to see us back together again. 

We don’t return to our table, instead we stand in the circle watching the newlyweds dance. Mike’s dance moves are exquisite, and he moves Tina around the dance floor with such grace, it amazes me. I didn’t know he had it in him to dance like that.

Kurt’s hand remains in mine the entire evening. It could be because we both have things we worry about, and we want to find comfort in each other, but I don’t think that’s why. Since we got back together, I’ve felt this desire to be close to him, to be connected to him in some way, no matter if we’re alone or not. Holding hands is a simple way to have that bond, and for now it’s all that we can do. And it’s perfect.

“This is a beautiful wedding.” I turn to Kurt and watch him looking at the dancing couple.

“It is,” Kurt answers and shifts his gaze to me. “And not to be unfair to the bride, but I have the most handsome date here tonight.”

“ _Kurt_.” I don’t know how he does it, but he always makes me feel special. Like I’m the only one.

“It’s true. I wish I had an equally handsome date the last time I attended a wedding.”

“Was that Quinn and Puck’s wedding?” I ask, and Kurt nods. “Who did you take then?” Kurt and I haven’t really talked about his dating life during our time apart. I’m sure he would share it with me if I asked, but I’m not sure I want to know. I know I would wonder if Kurt compared me to them, and those are not thoughts I want to bring to the bedroom. It will probably come up in conversation one day, but right now I want it to be about me and Kurt only. But since he’s mentioning the wedding, I have to ask.

“I went alone, but I remember thinking so much about you during that night, and the days that followed. I hadn’t seen them in such a long time, but being there, witnessing Quinn and Puck getting married, thinking about them lasting even though they lived on different sides of the country, made me wonder if you and I could have made it too, despite the distance. I know now that the answer to that is yes.”

“I wish I had been there.” _Not only at the wedding, but always_.

“You’re here now.” Kurt says and leans in and kisses me. 

For a few moments everything around us disappears. Kurt and I and our kiss are the only things that exist. Getting lost in kissing Kurt is one of my favorite things to do. It happens every day, and when we break for air, I have no idea how long we’ve been kissing, or where that time went.

The look in Kurt’s eyes when we do part tells me how much he wished we were somewhere else. Back in New York, back at our apartment, back in our bed. My thoughts match his. I love being here, at this wedding, reuniting with my friends, but right now, this minute, I wish we were somewhere else.

We don’t have to say anything to know what the other is thinking, we just stand there, close, my hands on his suit lapels, his arms wrapped around my waist and look into each other's eyes. My breathing is heavy, almost panting. Kurt looks gorgeous, the soft glow from the chandeliers catching in his hair, his eyes sparkling with lust, his fingers pressing tight into my back, drawing me closer.

I’ve thought this many times before, but _how did I become so lucky?_ To have Kurt. Again. That he actually wants to be mine despite everything that has happened. The thought is too big to grasp. I don’t think it will never not amaze me. I remember thinking back then that I was the luckiest guy in the world. I still am.

“Do you want to dance?” I ask Kurt, not wanting to let him go, or for this moment to be over. If I can dance with him, I can still have him in my arms, and we can stay in this moment.

Kurt nods without breaking eye contact. I take his hand and lead him out on the dance floor. I have no idea what song is playing, or if it’s even slow enough for slow dancing. He leans his head on my shoulder, and I lean mine against his. I hold him tight, swaying slowly to some inner rhythm that only we can feel.

“I promise I won’t run away and cry this time,” Kurt whispers. His voice warm and playful.

“What really happened that time?” I ask. I haven't thought about that moment since we got back together, but now I realize that I’m curious about what went through his mind that night.

“I was so affected by your closeness, by the words you sang to me. I wanted to be yours. I wanted those five years to not have existed. I wanted to be eighteen again, for you to be my boyfriend. I got turned on by you. But that’s what made me realize that I wasn’t yours, that I belonged to someone else. That’s what made me cry. I could never cheat on anyone. Not even for you.”

“God, how do you always make me love you more than I think is possible? I wanted so much to kiss you that night, but now I’m glad we didn’t. I never want to turn you into someone you’re not. I always want you to be you, Kurt, because I love the you that you are.”

“I love you, Blaine,” Kurt says and places his hand on my heart. “And what’s in here. This here is the most beautiful part of you.”

We stay close, until there is no more music. It’s time for Tina to throw her bouquet, and Kurt says he wants to watch it up close. By “watching” I think he secretly means wishing to catch it. I return to our table, hoping to have a chance to talk some more to Quinn. I know she won’t be up there waiting to catch the bouquet.

When I walk closer to our table though, I see Sam sitting there alone. His girlfriend is probably in the crowd of girls (and Kurt) waiting for Tina. I feel a heavy lump in my chest. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for - getting a chance to talk to Sam. But it's a moment I’m dreading, too. Sam and I were close, we got closer that summer, playing those gigs, and next to Kurt and Burt, I think Sam is the one I let down the most.

There’s no time to waste, everyone will return soon, and I might not get a better opportunity. 

“Hi Sam,” I say and sit down next to him.

Sam looks at me. He looks wary when he returns my greeting.

“It’s a lovely wedding, isn’t it?” I cringe at my own words, they’re awkward and stilted, but I don’t know how to start this conversation. 

Sam only nods in return. My heart sinks at his cold attitude. But I want to see if I can fix this, and I might as well start apologizing.

“Sam, I’m sorry about what happened. I know I acted like an idiot, and I really regret-“

“I thought we were friends,” Sam says. There’s so much hurt in his voice, it crushes me.

“We were friends, Sam.”

“Yeah, well, you had a funny way of showing it. You just left, Blaine… You confided in me about what happened with Kurt and with your mom, but then you were just gone. Nobody knew where you were. Do you realize how worried I was?”

His words are difficult to listen too, but they’re the truth. I did leave without a word.

“I’m sorry I worried you, I wasn’t thinking clearly at that time. My world fell apart,” I say and sigh. Finding the right words isn’t easy. “I don’t think any of you understands what Kurt meant to me, how much I loved him, and how much I needed him. I felt completely lost without him, and I lost myself. I couldn’t stay. I needed to get away. I couldn't stay in a place where everything reminded me of him.”

Sam listens and takes in my words. “Okay, I get that, but you still could have called, you know. We could have talked about other things.”

“I know… Everybody was spreading out around the country, and I figured nobody would care if I moved away. I know you were still in Lima, that you weren’t leaving, and I really, really regret the way I behaved. I know now that I could have used a friend like you, someone who knew me and who could have understood me… I wanted to call you, but after a while it just got too difficult to reach out…” I take a deep breath before I continue. “I’m sorry, Sam, I really am. I know it’s too little too late, but I don’t know what else to say.”

“You did act like an idiot,” Sam says, less wary now, and there’s almost a smile on his lips. But then he becomes serious again. “I wish you had called. Just once, you know. Just to let me know that you were okay. I heard your music on the radio, and then I at least knew you were alive, but there were months where I wondered.”

I have caused so many people so much pain, it’s a wonder any of them are still talking to me. But they are, and I’m hoping Sam will too.

“I would like to be your friend again,” I say. “I know it will take time to regain your trust, but I’ve missed you...”

Sam leans back in his chair and looks at me. “I don’t know…” he says, and even though I know I don’t have any right to be disappointed by any decision he makes regarding our friendship, I still am. It would feel good to be able to reunite our group as a whole, we used to be close friends, and I know I will have to be the one staying away if Sam doesn’t accept my apology, but I will respect whatever he says.

“I’ve missed you too. I’ve missed talking to you and playing with you. Why don’t we start with just keeping in touch and take it from there?”

That sounds like the sensible way to do this, and it’s really all I can ask for. A chance to become friends again.

“Just let me know before you plan to disappear again, so that I don’t have to worry, okay?” Sam adds.

“I promise,” I say and smile in return, both from understanding that this friendship can be fixed, and from that typical Sam thing to say.

“So, you and Kurt are back together,” Sam says and tilts his head a little to the left, giving me an inquiring look. “You’re still gay then?”

“Yes, I’m still gay,” I say and chuckle. “And yes, Kurt is my boyfriend again.”

“Cool.”

“And you have a girlfriend,” I say and watch a fond expression spread across his face. “How long have you been together?”

“301 days,” Sam says. “I met her on New Year’s eve.”

“You count the days?” I ask and laugh.

“She’s special, Blaine. I count and bless every day I’m with her.”

“Wow, you really like her.” It’s evident from how he says those words that this girl is something out of the ordinary to him.

“I do. I think she might be the one,” Sam says.

“I’m happy for you. You’ll have to introduce me.”

“I’m happy for you. And Kurt. The thought of the two of you together is still a little strange to me. Not because you’re gay,” Sam adds quickly, “but because you were best friends for so long. I can’t even imagine how you went from that to being boyfriends. You both had girlfriends before for God’s sake.”

“I’ll tell you about it some day,” I say. Suddenly that’s all I can think about - me telling Kurt I was in love with him down in his bedroom all those years ago. I can feel the same butterflies just thinking about that memory now. 

I feel a pair of strong hands on my shoulders. I don’t have to look up to know it’s Kurt. I put my hands on his and lean my head back slightly until it connects with him. He leans down and whispers into my ear. “You okay?”

“Yes,” I say. “I’m finally okay.”

Kurt kisses my cheek. “So you talked it through?” He asks, and I nod in affirmation. I’ll explain more tomorrow. “Good. Cause we’re all gonna dance now. Come on.” He starts pulling me up from the chair.

“If it’s okay, I’d like to stay and talk a little with Quinn.” Normally I would want to be close to Kurt, but I’ve noticed Quinn returning to our table looking tired, and I’m guessing she will leave this party soon.

“Of course, you should do that,” Kurt says and places another kiss on my cheek.

“We’ll dance more later, okay?” I say and turn around to look at him.

“Oh, you bet we will,” Kurt says and winks. I’m not exactly sure what he means by that, but he’s happy and flirty (and maybe a little bit more tipsy than when he left me), and I don’t really need to know his reasons to know that whatever he means, I’m game. Unless it’s getting busy under Burt’s roof.

Kurt drags Sam with him to the dance floor, and I sit down next to Quinn.

“Hey, how are you doing? You look tired.”

“I am,” Quinn admits. “This baby is taking all of my energy. Sometimes I feel like all I do is sleep.”

“You look happy though,” I say noticing the smile on her face, and how her words come out soft and fond.

“She wasn’t exactly planned, and it took me a while to get used to the idea, but even though it still feels surreal that there’s a human growing inside of me, I am happy, and I am looking forward to becoming a mother,” Quinn says while stroking her bump, her face glowing even more as she does.

“She?”

“Yes, but don’t tell Puck, he doesn’t want to know. I know he’s wishing for a boy, so I guess this will be a fun surprise for him,” she says and chuckles softly.

“I still can’t believe that you and Puck are married, and that you’re having a baby.” Their relationship was just starting out when I left, and now they’re building a family. “I’m sorry I missed the wedding. I wish I could have been there.”

“Don’t worry about it. We didn’t exactly send you an invitation.” There’s something gentle, yet teasing in her voice.

“You know what I mean…” I say thinking about all the things I could have done differently.

“I know. But it’s water under the bridge, Blaine. I can’t believe that you’re famous, that one of my best friends from growing up is a world famous singer. That’s crazy!”

I chuckle at her words. “Yeah, don’t know how that happened really.”

“Because you’re good at it! Don’t be modest, Blaine. You have a way with words that amazes me. All your lyrics go straight to my heart.”

“When you have my source of inspiration, it’s easy to write.” If she has listened to my lyrics, it shouldn’t be a tough guess to figure out who my inspiration is.

“You and Kurt,” she says, “I’m really happy that you guys have worked everything out. You have, right?”

“Most of it, the essential bits anyway. It’s only been a month, and there will probably be some setbacks, but he makes me really happy. He gets me like no one else does.”

“I remember you saying the same thing when you first got together,” Quinn chuckles.

“Some things don’t change,” I say, and even though I don’t remember saying those words to her, they are as true now as they were then. Kurt is the only one who really gets me. He knows me. He knows my darkest secrets and my innermost thoughts, and he accepts me for who I am, despite all of that.

“I saw you dancing before. You two are ridiculously cute together,” Quinn says.

I feel myself blush because that dance was probably a little too intimate for someone else’s wedding reception. I take a sip of water to distract her from my pink cheeks, but I think she notices anyway because there’s a soft laugh crossing her lips.

“I tend to forget about the rest of the world when I’m with him,” I admit.

“You don’t say,” she laughs. “There’s a very strong connection between the two of you, that’s evident to everyone here tonight.”

“I just love him so much… My life was crazy when we were apart, but now we’ve found our way back to each other, and I just can’t get enough of him.” I look up at the dance floor and see Kurt and our friends having fun up there. As if he can feel me looking at him, his eyes find mine. He smiles and does a little wave. I return both and watch as he turns back to dancing. His dance moves are silly, and he seems to completely have let go of everything, not caring about how he looks or who sees him. He’s not always like that, but now he’s having fun, and that makes me happy.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking water all evening,” Quinn says. She doesn’t add a question of why. She just leaves the comment like that.

“There has been too much drinking in my life these past years. I think I’m gonna stick to water for a while,” I say, not feeling like explaining more right now.

“Well, you and me both then,” she says and raises her water glass in a cheer.

I take another sip, and when I lower my glass, Kurt sits down heavily on my lap.

“Hey there, handsome,” he says before placing a big, sweaty, sloppy, kiss on my lips. Yep, he’s definitely been drinking something. I hear Quinn chuckle beside us as Kurt eagerly pushes his tongue into my mouth. “I love you,” he says close to my lips when we part.

“I love you,” I whisper back, feeling chills running down my spine as his breath mixes with mine, and his eyes are looking at me only inches away.

“Looks like we’re attending your wedding next,” Quinn says. “When are you two getting married?”

 _Tonight_. I would marry him tonight if that was a possibility. I know he’s the one for me.

Kurt smiles at me before he turns his focus to Quinn. “We just picked things up,” he says. “Let us enjoy being together for a while before we start talking about those things.”

I smile at myself and my ability to get caught up in the moment. Kurt is of course right, he has always been my voice of reason. Just yesterday, we decided to live together. It probably is a little too early to think about bigger commitments. 

“We have our entire lives to figure out what we want to do,” Kurt says and returns his gaze to me. “Right now, I want to dance with my incredibly handsome boyfriend.”

And that’s what we do. We dance and laugh with our friends throughout the rest of the night. I don’t think I have laughed this much in a very long time. In the early hours, when Mike asks me to sing a song for Tina, I happily sit down behind the piano and sing the song he’s selected. Throughout the lyrics of _How Long Will I Love You_ by Ellie Goulding, I try to focus on Tina and Mike dancing, but my eyes inadvertently wander to Kurt. The lyrics are from me to him just as much as they are from Mike to Tina.

_How long will I want you_  
_As long as you want me to_  
_And longer by far_

The kiss Kurt gives me when I step away from the piano is probably too indecent to be shared in public, but despite various loud comments from Puck and Sam, I couldn’t care less who sees us. I love him, and I want everyone to know that I am his.

-x-x-

I wake up before Kurt, still tired from last night (or this morning if you want to get technical), my throat sore from singing and screaming on the dance floor, but with the biggest smile on my face. Last night was a weight lifted from my heart. Now I have finally reconciled with everything from my past, and from here on out, I can focus on the future.

Kurt stirs beside me. He’s still sleeping, his arm thrown across my chest, holding me tight. I snuggle in closer to him, enjoying being close, feeling his warm body against mine. Kurt is a big part of my future. He’s the one I’m looking forward to spending forever with. We might not have the opportunity to be together every day or even every month, but I believe in us. This time around we know what we’re getting ourselves into, and how to handle difficult situations while still keeping our hearts protected.

I place a kiss on Kurt’s forehead. I don’t want to wake him up yet, but I can’t help myself. He looks utterly gorgeous, although I’m sure he would disagree. I like him like this, in his natural state, before he fixes his hair and puts on his fancy clothes. The way only I get to see him.

I shift just a little, to reach for my phone on the nightstand. There are several messages, and I decide to open the ones from Jeff.

**Jeff**  
**Well, you seemed to have fun last night. I don’t think there is a doubt in anyone’s mind that Kurt is your boyfriend.**

There are numerous links attached to his message. There are also more messages, but I decide to click on the links first. I open them one by one and discover picture after picture of me and Kurt. Pictures of us walking hand in hand into the church, of us kissing, and of us dancing. There’s even one of him sitting in my lap. Other than when we walked into the church, I hadn’t noticed anyone taking pictures of us, but they’re from multiple different sources, so I’m guessing there were several people noticing us last night. 

I scroll through the pictures and the comments and smile. I like seeing me and Kurt together. We look good in the suits Kurt designed for us. We look happy, like we’re having fun, but mostly we look like we’re in love. Some pictures are intimate, captured moments that were meant for me and Kurt only. Now the pictures are out there for anyone to see, and even though I wished that those moments were only ours, I’m glad the secret is out. I know Kurt won’t be as excited about this as I am, that his life will change after today, but we both agreed that this is what we wanted. 

I still wish there was a way for me to keep him away from the spotlight, to protect him from this world, but at the same time, I want everyone to know that my heart belongs to him. I’m so proud of him and what we have. I’ve been hiding who I am, keeping my feelings a secret, for so long, but I don’t want to do it anymore. Never again.

**Jeff**  
**Your fans seem to approve of your boyfriend. As far as I can see, most comments are positive.**

**Jeff**  
**They have also discovered his identity and what he does for a living. I’ll contact his office to make sure they’re aware of the situation.**

**Jeff**  
**Enjoy your weekend together and I’ll see you at the studio on Monday. Take care of each other Blaine.**

“Hey, what are you doing?” Kurt’s warm voice sounds close to my ear. He snuggles in closer to me, wrapping not only his arms, but his legs around me, too.

“Looking at pictures of you and me from last night,” I answer, placing a kiss on his forehead.

“Who sent you those? Quinn?” Kurt asks, kissing my neck.

“Jeff.”

Kurt groans. He knows what it means if Jeff was the one who sent me them. “What’s the verdict?”

“It’s good. Everything is good, Kurt. They love you. They love us together.”

“Yeah?” Kurt says, moving his head away from the crook of my neck. He sounds surprised, like he was expecting something else. “Can I see the pictures?”

“You look good in all of them,” I say, knowing that’s what he’s worrying about.

“I know,” Kurt says and smiles. “But I want to see how good we look together.”

“We look amazing together, Kurt.”

I show him the pictures and the comments. Kurt complains a little about the intimacy showing, worrying about what people will say. I assure him that everyone we need to worry about has already seen us kissing like that.

That relaxes him enough to place himself on top of me. “We do look good together, don’t we?” He says.

“I told you,” I say while trailing my fingers down his back. “How do you feel?”

“I have a headache. Why did you let me drink that much?” Kurt says and winces.

“I wasn’t anywhere near you when you were drinking,” I say and grin.

“Exactly! So this is all your fault,” Kurt says with that adorable pout that only he can pull off. “I wouldn’t have been drinking if you were by my side.”

“Okay, blame me if that makes you feel any better,” I say and kiss him.

“It does,” Kurt says sounding pleased. “But besides the headache, I think I’m pretty good.”

“ _Pretty good?_ ” I ask and pinch his butt.

Kurt laughs. “Okay, okay! If you really want to know, right now, I feel like there’s nothing anyone can say or do to make my love for you lessen. I think I could only love you more if you would forget about your stupid rule not to have sex in Dad’s house,” Kurt says and grinds down. Then he laughs again when he sees me roll my eyes. “But since I know that’s not going to happen, I’d say I’m exactly where I want to be with the person I love the most.”

 _How could I not kiss him after that?_ Our tongues swirl together in a familiar dance, sucking and licking and tasting. Right now I hate my own rule because having Kurt kissing me like this does things to my body. I know Kurt can feel it. I sense him smiling through the kiss, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead he “tortures” me by moving his kisses to _that_ spot on my neck. The spot he knows makes me weak.

“Okay, stop, Kurt,” I breathe out in a husky voice.

“You’re no fun,” Kurt teases when he rolls off of me.

“I promise you, I’m going to be so much fun when we get home tonight,” I say and try to calm my breathing and my body.

“You better,” Kurt says with a final peck to my lips. “So, how do you feel today?”

“I’m so happy, Kurt. Happy that I get to show everyone what a wonderful boyfriend I have. Happy about the response to our relationship. Happy to have such great friends, and that last night went so much better than I expected. Happy to have everyone that matters to me back in my life. Happy to be moving on and putting all the bad stuff behind me.”

Kurt suddenly shifts a little uncomfortably beside me. I can see that something is bothering him.

“What’s wrong, Kurt?” I ask, worried about the sudden change.

“There’s something I haven’t told you,” Kurt says, taking my hand in his. I’m sure connecting our hands is meant to calm me and make me feel safe, but it actually makes me worry more.

“What is it?” I ask.

“There is one person from your past that you haven’t made peace with.”

“Who?” I ask.

Kurt takes a deep breath before he continues. “Your mom contacted me last week. She wants to meet you.”

My mom… I don’t know how to feel about her contacting Kurt. I’ve reconciled with the idea that she’s no longer a part of my life. She made it clear back then where her priorities laid, and it wasn’t with me.

“She told me that she regretted what she did and what she said to you,” Kurt continues when I don’t say anything. “She said that she tried to contact you, but that you never answered. She wanted to say sorry but didn’t know how when you shut her out. When she heard about your performance at that restaurant and figured out that it was me you were singing for, she contacted me, hoping I could talk to you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me she called?”

Kurt sighs. “I know I should have, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk to her, so I didn’t know if I should mention anything. But then I realized that’s not my decision to make. I waited until now because you were already worrying about seeing our friends, and I didn’t want to add to that.” Kurt moves a little closer and places his hand on my chest. “I think you should talk to her. She sounds genuinely sorry, Blaine. I think things might be different this time. I think that she has changed. She wants to meet you today.”

When I think about her, about who my mom was when I was growing up, about how she tried to change but never really did, it’s not a difficult decision to make.

“I don’t want to meet her, Kurt. She’s hurt me too many times for me to be able to forgive her. Maybe she thinks that she has changed, that she wants to be a part of my life again, but I don’t trust her. And I’m scared I will get my hopes up only for her to crush them again.”

“Then we won’t go and see her,” Kurt answers.

His answer comes without hesitation. He doesn’t push me to see her, he just accepts my decision without further questions. And this is exactly why I love him. He listens to me, and he sees me. He has always made me feel seen. I roll on top of him this time, kissing him with all of the passion and love I feel for him.

“You and Burt are my family,” I say while resting my forehead against his. “And I think that Carole might like me, too.”

“Carole adores you,” Kurt assures me.

“Then that’s all the family I need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is actually where the story ends. The final chapter is the epilogue and it will be only Blaine and Kurt and full of fluff because that's how I want to end this :)
> 
> As always, all of my thanks and appreciation to my amazing beta roxymusicandlayers - you rock!!


	55. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed while reading this story, I like to bring back moments from past chapters and this final chapter starts with a throwback to chapter 26. I don't expect any of you to remember exactly what happened in ch. 26 because that was forever ago, but if anyone does remember and can figure out what Blaine is up to it would be fun if you'd let me know :) I've had this ending in mind for a really long time, but it was while editing ch. 26 that I figured out how I wanted to do it.  
> I might have gone a little overboard with all the things I'm bringing back from the past, but it is the final chapter and I got nostalgic while writing, so please just bear with me :)  
> As this is the epilogue it will be a little different from previous chapters. The pov will change several times because I wanted to tell it from both Blaine's and Kurt's pov, but it's marked clearly whose pov it is so I hope it's not too confusing. There will also be small time jumps as this chapter takes place over two months.

**Kurt, November/December 2017**

“Look a plane! Where do you think it’s going?”

“I have no clue, Kurt.”

“Come on, Blaine, humor me. You know I like this game.”

“I think… Philadelphia.” 

“ _Blaine!_ You’re no fun. You know how to play this game.”

We’re walking hand in hand through the streets of New York City. It’s a dark and cold November evening, and we walk close together. There’s snow in the air, it hasn’t started to fall yet, but the forecast promised snow later tonight. 

Earlier today we dropped Dad and Carole off at the airport after they’d come to spend Thanksgiving weekend with us. Finn flew out with them to meet Rachel, and we had a big family dinner all six of us. When we returned from the airport, we decided to go for a walk. There’s been so much food these past couple of days, and I just needed to do something other than sitting still. Blaine’s beanie is pulled down low for anonymity, but there aren’t many people out on these streets tonight.

“I think the plane is going wherever you want it to go, Kurt,” Blaine says, his breath visible in the wintery evening, and kisses my cheek.

His nose is cold pressing against my side, but his kiss is warm. I sneak my arm around his waist, pulling him closer to me, wanting to share his body heat. I don’t like it when Blaine doesn’t play by my rules, but he never has, and it sort of became this thing we did when we were younger. We haven’t played this game in forever, but he still remembers to do it _his way_ instead of mine. Tonight I let him get away with it, only because he pressed a warm kiss to my cheek.

“The only place I want to go is home,” I say. We’ve been walking for a while, and now the idea of snuggling up on the couch, watching a movie, and falling asleep in Blaine’s arms is all I can think of.

“I like it when you call our apartment home,” Blaine says close to my ear. “I like that we’re sharing a home.”

A shiver runs through my body. It has nothing to do with the cold air, and everything to do with his hot breath against my ear, and the words he’s saying. “Home is wherever you are, Blaine,” I say and mean just that. 

If due to his work he was compelled to live somewhere else, I would go with him. I can design from anywhere. Marc Jacobs has offices all over the country, and if they’re not willing to move my position, I’d freelance or start something of my own. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, not because I think we’ll have to move, but because I know I can’t live without Blaine. Not again.

“You always say the cutest things,” Blaine says and leans his head on my shoulder.

I smile into his hair. Normally he’s the one saying all the cute stuff. “Only because I have the cutest boyfriend who deserves to hear the truth.”

“Are you free the first week in January?” Blaine suddenly asks after we’ve been walking in silence for a block.

“I don’t know. I think so. Why?” I ask.

“Can you make sure you’re free?” Blaine asks. 

I turn my face to look at him. He’s wearing a big smile, like he just figured out the cure to all existing incurable diseases. “Why?” I ask again, wondering what he’s up to.

“It’s a surprise,” Blaine says. “A good one, I promise,” he adds when he sees the suspicious look on my face.

“You know I don’t like surprises, Blaine,” I pout, even though I secretly love it when he surprises me. But saying I don’t like surprises is just as much me not playing by the rules as he does with my plane spotting game.

“You’re going to love this one,” he says all excited. “Just tell me you can take the time off.”

“I’ll have to check with Cassandra tomorrow, but I think I can take some vacation. Is it the whole week?”

Blaine thinks for a while before he answers. “Yes, the whole week.”

Blaine continues to be secretive about his plan in the weeks that follow. He steps out of the room to talk when his phone rings and always returns with a smile that’s bigger than the one he was wearing when he left. The curiosity is killing me. Even if I’ve tried to figure out what it is, tried asking discrete question, hoping he’ll slip and tell me something, he remains quiet as a clam. It bugs me and excites me.

We’ve officially been living together for little over a month now, although if I’m being honest, I have been living here since our first night together. I never saw a reason to spend more than occasional nights in my own apartment when I could be here with him. Sophie likes it here, too, but then again, she’s always had a soft spot for Blaine.

Living with Blaine is easy in some ways. Sometimes it feels like we’ve always lived together, and I guess that in some sense we have. Blaine slept on my couch so many times when we were kids, and we had our routines already then. Now, certain things we don’t have to talk about, we just know how the other person likes it. Being able to go to bed with Blaine and wake up next to him is heaven. I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of snuggling up next to him. 

But there is a black hole in our history and because of it, some things are different now. Like him needing therapy and time to heal, and then there’s work getting in the way of us spending time together. I try to have normal working hours, but Blaine is often scheduled on evenings and weekends. He says it’s temporary, that it’s not always like this, and I hope he’s right. Going to bed alone on Saturday evenings is hard. Leaving him sleeping in our bed every morning while I go to work is harder.

When we are at home together, however, we turn off our phones and focus on each other. That’s when living with him becomes easy again.

December is a busy month. There’s a single to be promoted and deadlines to be kept. There’s Christmas shopping to be done and a small apartment to be emptied before returning the key. Then we’re back in Lima to celebrate Christmas. Blaine is always his most relaxed when he’s in Lima. There he doesn’t have to be anybody but Blaine. There’s no pressure to behave in a certain way, there are no expectations on him (other than him showing up at breakfast and dinner). We spend Christmas Day with Dad, Carole and Finn, and the days after Christmas we see our old friends again. They’re all back in Lima to spend Christmas with their families. 

On New Year’s Eve we’re back in New York. There’s a party at Sebastian’s, one I don’t really want to go to because, well, it’s Sebastian, and even if I try liking him, he’s making it really difficult. Blaine makes a deal with me. Says we can go, make an appearance, and then sneak out and bring in the New Year by ourselves in our apartment. That’s a deal I’m willing to take.

Back in our apartment, we slip out of our suits and into pajama pants and soft t-shirts. With Blaine between my legs, his back against my chest, a blanket wrapped around us, sparkling cider in our glasses, and Sophie curled up by our feet, we greet the New Year. 

“What do you wish from the New Year?” I ask, placing my glass on the coffee table so that I can run my fingers through his thick curls.

“For it to continue the way the old one ended,” Blaine says. “With your arms around me, and my heart beating just a little faster because of it. I have everything I could wish for right here. You know how much I love when it’s just you and me. And Sophie,” he adds and reaches out to scratch behind her ear. As long as I get to have this, I’ll be able to face anything this year throws my way.”

“How do you always say the things I never anticipate?” I ask. “The things I didn’t know I needed to hear?” I was expecting an answer in the line of _I want my next album to be a success_ or _I wish to stay sober_. But Blaine never did know how to play by the rules. Now he’s telling me that as long as we stay the way we are, we can face anything. Together. I can’t help the way my heart skips a beat when he talks like that.

“Easy,” Blaine says. “I’m just telling the truth. With you by my side, everything is possible.”

I hug him a little tighter and place a kiss on his temple. He’s so precious, and I feel this unexplainable desire to protect him from the world. Not that he needs it, but he’s been through a lot, and I just want to keep him safe and away from experiencing something like that again. I wish life could be as easy as just him and me together on this couch for the rest of our lives. 

“What do you wish from this year?” Blaine asks.

“For you to tell me where we’re going,” I say, completely changing the subject because thinking about Blaine’s past makes me sad, and I don’t want that feeling to rub off on him. And the not knowing is starting to make me anxious. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I don’t know what to bring.

“You, know I can’t do that, Kurt.” I can hear in his voice how much he’s enjoying this. Too much if you ask me. “Then it wouldn’t be a surprise.”

“But we’re leaving in two days, Blaine. You have to at least tell me if I should pack for cold or warm weather.” The fact that I haven’t even started packing yet is stressing me. That I don’t know what to pack is stressing me even more.

“Hmm…” Blaine pretends to ponder. I tug at his hair lightly to show how much I don’t approve of him playing evasive. “Okay, okay,” Blaine laughs. “You should pack for warm weather. And bring your passport.”

“Are we going abroad?” I ask, excited but also more confused because I hadn’t even considered that possibility and now there are even more possible destinations.

“Maybe,” Blaine says. “Or maybe I’m just saying that to mess with you.”

“ _Blaine…_ ”

“Just relax, Kurt,” Blaine says and strokes my forearms. “Let me do this thing for you and trust me that it will be something that you’ll like. I’ll help you pack tomorrow and make sure you have everything you need. Okay?”

“Okay,” I say and pout even though he can’t see my face, “but only because I love you. And because I do trust you. With everything.” I trust him with my heart, why shouldn’t I trust him with this?

“Me too,” Blaine says in a soft voice and turns around to kiss me. “Can you relax now and let us enjoy this night?”

“Yes,” I say. “And being here, with you in my arms is also kind of all I wish for. Can we make a promise to do this as often as we can?”

“Like a New Year’s resolution?”

“Yes, this is my New Year’s resolution to you – to always make time to hold you, whenever you want me too. Even if I’m busy.”

“My resolution to you,” Blaine continues, “is to always tell you how much I love you. Every day, no matter where I am. I’ll always make time to call you and tell you.” 

His voice is a little sad when he says the last words. I know he’s is thinking about the tour he knows is coming later this year, and the many events and shows he will attend across the country. I think he still worries about the distance being a problem for me, but I could never let him go again. 

“I love you, Blaine, with all of my heart.”

“I love you, Kurt. Today and forever.”

“Are we going to Hawaii?” I try, hoping that with all these promises and declarations, he’ll be distracted and slip, and give away some information.

“Still not going to tell you,” Blaine laughs.

-x-x-

**Blaine, January 2nd 2018**

I try to keep Kurt calm while packing, but I can see in his eyes how close to freaking out he is about not knowing what to bring. I feel guilty for causing him this stress. So much in fact that I almost tell him where we’re going the night before we leave. But only almost. 

I want to pamper him with this trip. God knows he deserves it. Being with me isn’t easy. Being noticed and approached by total strangers is new to him, and I know it takes time to get used to. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting everyone to know about us, but Kurt says I’m being silly, that he knew what he was getting himself into, and that he can handle it. There are moments though that I know he wishes we were just a normal couple, when the attention and the interest in us become too much. This trip will be for him and me only with no interference from the world.

We leave early in the morning of the first day of our trip because we have a long journey ahead of us. Snow has fallen during the night leaving the trees beautifully white, but even though I love the snow, I can’t wait to get away from the city and the cold weather. 

Jeff picks us up and drives us to the airport. He’s been a big part in helping me plan this trip. I don’t think I could have managed all of the arrangements without his help actually, and when he offered to drive us, I gladly accepted. He drops us off at Teterboro airport where our private jet waits for us. 

The look on Kurt’s face when we board the plane is priceless. He looks lost and excited all at once, like he doesn’t know what to think or how to act. He holds my hand tight and stays close to me as we walk up the steps to the plane.

“Is this just for us?” He whispers when he sees that we’re the only passengers.

“Yes,” I answer and feel all warm inside when I see the giddiness in his eyes.

“How much money do you really have?” He asks.

“More than enough,” I laugh because the truth is I don’t really know, just that there is more than I need and spending it on Kurt seems like a good investment.

“Welcome on board, gentlemen,” the flight attendant greets us once we are seated. “I hope you’ll enjoy this flight to Miami.”

“Oh, I’ve never been to Miami!” Kurt says excitedly when she leaves, two glasses of orange juice placed before us.

“Miami is not our final destination,” I say. “It’s just a stop to change means of transportation.”

“Okay, I can’t take this anymore. _Please_ tell me where we’re going, Blaine.” 

I kind of wanted to wait, but the look in his eyes, and the pleading nature of his voice makes it impossible to keep this from him any longer.

“When we were out walking that evening after Thanksgiving weekend, and you spotted that plane in the sky,” I say and Kurt nods, remembering that night. “Well, it sort of reminded me of the last time we played that game, and I made you a promise. Do you remember?” 

Kurt stays silent for a while, and I can practically see the wheels turning inside his head trying to remember. Then a smile spreads across his lips.

“No way…” Kurt says. “You’re not seriously…”

“I told you that someday I would take you to the Bahamas. You and me on a luxurious yacht sailing to the Bahamas, staying in a hotel with a private beach-“

“Relaxing in the sun and making love under the stars,” Kurt fills in, his smile so bright it challenges the sun.

I smile too, happy that he remembers. “You told me, and I quote you, _you better make sure you become a big star so that we can make that trip_. Well here we are.”

“I can’t believe you did this,” Kurt says, his eyes watering as he wraps his arms around me in the tightest hug. “I love you so much!”

“You deserve it, Kurt. Everything you have to put up with to be with me. I know it’s hard…” 

“Stop it, Blaine. Nobody’s forcing me to be with you, this is my choice, and I knew what I was getting myself into when we started dating again. I’d gladly face a thousand of fans and nosy reporters to be with you - you know that. Most of your fans are so sweet, and it’s really much better than I expected. You have to stop feeling guilty about it.”

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop worrying about how his life will change because he choose to be with me. But I have to remember that Kurt has grown too since we were younger. He’s no longer that shy ten-year-old I first got to know. He’s grown into a confident man who knows how to handle himself in the new situations that living with me have brought upon him. He’s strong - probably much stronger than me – and I don’t need to look out for him that way anymore. But just because I don’t need it, doesn’t mean I won’t do it. I will always make sure he’s safe.

The flight to Miami is smooth. A warm breeze sweeps across our faces as we leave the plane, and we quickly stove our winter coats in our bags. We’re picked up by a car that drives us to the harbor where a yacht is waiting for us. Kurt’s eyes widen, and I hear a small gasp when he sees the boat.

“Do you know how to drive that thing?” He leans in and whisper.

“I don’t have a clue,” I whisper back. “It’s a good thing the captain does.”

“That _is_ a good thing,” Kurt chuckles in return. Standing beside him, I can feel how excited he is, and it’s contagious. I’m so relieved he liked my surprise, and now I feel like I can finally relax and enjoy this vacation.

“Welcome aboard, Mr. Anderson, Mr. Hummel,” the Captain greets us when we get on the yacht. “The weather promises a calm crossing.”

“Great, thank you,” I answer.

“Where exactly in the Bahamas are we going?” Kurt asks when we’ve settled down on the sunbed in the front of the yacht. It’s slowly making its way out of the harbor in the afternoon sun. Our bags have been taken care of, and we’ve been served a late lunch. With the legs of our pants and sleeves of our shirts rolled up, we lie close next to each under a sail turned into a sun shade, my head resting on Kurt’s chest, and his arms around my shoulders. Kurt’s been silent for a while, and I think he’s just trying to take it all in.

“To an island called Eleuthera with white beaches and turquoise water. We’ll stay in a bungalow close to the water with our own little beach.” I hear his heart beat under his skin. A slow, steady rhythm that makes me tranquil. 

“I can’t believe we’re really doing this,” Kurt says while his fingers lazily play with my curls. The feeling of Kurt’s fingers in my hair makes me shiver in the most pleasurable way. It always has. “I can’t believe we’re on a yacht, sailing to the Bahamas. It’s just crazy,” Kurt says with a warm affection in his voice. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

I lean my head back to look at him. “Maybe,” I tease, “but I’ll never grow tired of hearing it.”

“Well, I’ll never grow tired of saying it. Or feeling it.”

My lips seek out his in a gentle kiss that I can feel in every part of my body. But there’s also something else in that kiss. Something that makes me lose my mind.

“Kurt,” I moan. “When did you…?” There’s a taste of chocolate on his tongue.

Kurt gives me an innocent smile. “What do you mean?”

“You know what chocolate does to me,” I say and press my body a little closer to his.

“I know,” he says and turns to his side to face me. His legs lace with mine, and then his face changes into something humble. “I wanted to give you something to show you my appreciation for this amazing surprise you’ve planned for me.”

“You don’t have to give me anything, but I do love how your mind works,” I say. I press my lips against his again, wanting to taste more of my two favorite flavors mixed together.

Kurt kisses me back, his tongue licking mine, and there is more chocolate filling my senses. The kiss slowly changes into something else, something that makes my heart beat with anything but tranquility. I roll on top of him, wanting to be as close to him as possible. Chest against chest, thigh against thigh. 

“Did I ever tell you how I used to feel like butterflies had permanently moved into my belly when we were younger?” Kurt asks. “Every kiss was a thrill, and the butterflies were always present.”

“No.” I shake my head a little from side to side. “But that’s really cute.” I like thinking about how we were then - still innocent and unscarred. Sure, I was a mess already back then, but a different kind of mess than what I became later. We were young, and even though it took me a while to figure out what I wanted, _who I was_ , my love for him was always strong. Even when I didn’t know what it meant, I still knew I loved him. Even later, when I couldn’t talk to him, my love never faded.

“I still feel like that sometimes,” Kurt says. “Like I’m kissing you for the first time. It’s like, I know what kissing you feels like, but sometimes it still surprises me in the best possible way, and the butterflies go crazy in there. Like now.”

I feel them too, the butterflies. Especially when he says things like that, and there’s chocolate involved. Kurt always makes my belly flutter in the most pleasurable way. I kiss him again, hoping he’ll feel so much more than butterflies.

“I wish we were already in our bungalow,” I whisper when I finally let go of his lips. “So that I could show you what your kisses do to me.”

“How long until we’re there?” Kurt asks, the heat in his usually calm blue eyes gives away his desire.

“The crossing takes a few hours. It will probably be late when we arrive.”

“Then you better roll off of me or this will be an uncomfortable crossing for me,” Kurt says.

“I’m not that heavy,” I huff. At least I don’t think I am.

“So not what I meant, baby,” Kurt laughs.

Laughing too, as I realize his predicament (which is the same as mine to be honest). I slide down beside him. With my head back on his chest again, and my body pressed close to his. I close my eyes and enjoy lying next to Kurt. The warmth from the sun and Kurt’s body mixed with the cool breeze from the ocean make this the most comfortable I’ve been in weeks. 

-x-x-

**Kurt, January 2nd 2018**

I feel Blaine doze off in my arms, and soon small snoring sounds can be heard. Having Blaine sleeping in my arms is one of my favorite things, and I since I don’t get to experience it nearly as often as I’d like, I tend to lie awake after he’s fallen asleep just so that I can have this feeling. There’s so much stress and pressure in his life sometimes, and to see him this relaxed puts some peace in my worried heart. I trail my fingertips up and down his arm, just because I can and just because I like feeling his warm skin against my fingers.

The yacht is speeding across the ocean, there’s no land to be seen ahead of us now. I’ve never been on a yacht before, but I find myself liking the speed. Or maybe the adrenaline I’m feeling is just from knowing that I will have Blaine all to myself for a few days. Lazy days with no interference and no interruptions. They’re really not that common in our lives, and I wonder how he made this trip happen. He did make that ultimatum to his label, and he is much more in control of his own life now. Blaine threatening to leave made them realize they needed him more than he needed them, and all those stupid clauses were gone. Three months ago I don’t think it would have been possible for him to do this trip, but now everything is slowly changing for the better.

I close my eyes and listen to the sounds around me. There are no voices, just the sound of Blaine sleeping, the engines roaring, and the yacht cutting through the waves. The sun is warm, but the wind makes the temperature just perfect. It’s soothing, and I feel myself drift off. 

When I open my eyes again, it’s darker than before. The sun is setting, coloring the sky into mesmerizing shades of orange, pink, and purple. There’s a blanket placed on top of me, but Blaine is missing. I look around, but I can’t see him anywhere.

The yacht is going slower now, and I can see the silhouette of an island in the distance. There’s light from what looks like a small village along the shoreline. The air is chillier, but the blanket is keeping me warm and cozy.

I hear footsteps behind me, and when I turn around, I see Blaine with a fond smile on his lips.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” He asks softly. “You must have been really tired, you’ve been out for hours.”

“Like I’m still dreaming. Have you seen this view?” I point towards the sunset and the distant island.

“It’s beautiful,” Blaine says, his eyes still on me. “Just like this view.”

I feel myself blush. I always do when he talks like that. I don’t know why, but he says it with such honesty - like it’s something he really means, and not something he says just to make me happy - that it goes straight to my heart.

I reach my hand out to him, wanting him close to me again. Blaine gets up on the sunbed and snuggles in next to me. “Thank you for the blanket,” I say.

“Didn’t want you to get cold when I left,” Blaine says and places a kiss just below my ear. “There’s dinner inside if you’re hungry.”

“I kind of don’t want to leave this spot,” I say. “I have everything I need right here - a beautiful view and a gorgeous man by my side.”

Blaine moves in a little closer and kisses my lips this time. “I couldn’t agree more. You’re everything I need. And, you know, cuddles and kisses are my favorites.”

“Then let's have that for dinner.”

“I think that’s the wisest thing you’ve said today,” Blaine says then his lips are on mine again. I shift so that I’m on my side and wrap my legs around him. Blaine nibbles at my lower lip before he slips his tongue into my mouth, slowly moving it around mine.

We stay like that, kissing, touching, hazel eyes looking back at mine, lost in our own little world, without noticing when the yacht stops. Not until the captain discretely clears his throat beside us.

“The boat is ready to take you ashore, Mr. Anderson,” he says.

“The yacht is too big to go any closer,” Blaine explains when he sees the confused look on my face.

It’s dark when the small boat takes us and our bags the final way into the small harbor. The boat is fast and the wind is cold. Blaine has his arm around me the entire way, keeping me warm. Once on solid ground, a car waits to take us to our hotel. 

Bungalows are scattered along the beach leading away from the reception. Our bungalow is situated farthest out on a small peninsula, secluded and almost hidden behind hibiscuses and palm trees – like our own private piece of heaven. The view from the terrace is breathtaking, even in the dark. The moon lights up the ocean and the shore below us.

“I’m sorry about the long trip,” Blaine says, coming up behind me, snaking his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder.

“Don’t be,” I say. Sure the day has been long, but the nap on the boat gave me new energy. “This day has been perfect. You know why?” I ask.

Blaine shakes his head.

“Because I got to spend it with you. Because you planned this amazing surprise for me, and I just feel so blessed.”

“Well, it is your birthday soon,” Blaine teases.

“In two months, yes,” I say and laugh. “This does not count as a birthday present.”

“Okay, so I guess you just got lucky and found the perfect boyfriend then,” Blaine says, and I love how playful he is. There’s no stress or worries, just him being the person that I love.

“Oh, that’s more than just luck,” I say and place my hands on top of his as I look at the panoramic view in front of us. “That’s destiny. You and I ending up together was inevitable. I remember someone saying that _anywhere there’s a you and a me, we would find each other and love each other_. Well, this you and me, we’ve done just that.”

It feels like life played a trick on us, keeping us apart, testing us, making sure we’d never take this love for granted, but we were always meant to find each other again.

“Was that the same wise guy who suggested kisses and cuddles for dinner?” Blaine asks, hugging me a little tighter.

“The one and only.” 

“He’s my favorite person on this planet.” I turn my head to meet his lips in a kiss. When Blaine answers the kiss, returning it with more heat than I expected, I shift my body so that I’m facing him, my arms sneaking up around his shoulders.

“Are you tired? Do you want to go to sleep?” Blaine asks, a content sound slipping past his lips when my fingers find their way into his hair.

“I was kind of hoping that this perfect day didn’t have to end, that it could continue to be perfect for a couple of hours more,” I say hoping he’s not too tired.

“You just keep saying the smartest things today, Kurt.” Blaine’s voice is warm and loving. “Come here.”

Blaine takes my hand and leads me over to the sun loungers out on the terrace. They’re placed under a pergola with soft, white fabrics draping the ceiling, which then continues down the sides. He lies down and pulls me down on top of him. Our lips meet the second I land on him, connecting us and completing us.

When my kisses move from his lips, down his neck, his hands finds their way down my back, trying to sneak inside my pants.

“Seriously, Kurt. Why do you always wear these damn tight jeans?” Blaine lets out a discontented grunt. “Do you know how frustrating they are?”

“I could just take them off,” I say while I continue to kiss that spot on his neck.

“And your ideas just keep getting better and better,” Blaine breathes out heavily below me. I know exactly what me kissing that spot does to him, and I can already feel its effect.

I get up to remove my pants, and Blaine does the same. Then he starts unbuttoning his shirt. “Might as well remove this too,” he says with a mischievous smile. “It will only be in the way later, right?”

“Now who’s the one with the bright ideas?” I say and follow his example. But before I’m even done undoing the first button, Blaine is standing in front of me.

“Let me,” he says, gently removing my hands. His unbuttoning is slow and teasing, his kisses on my chest hot and tickling. Slowly, inch by inch he makes his way down my belly until he’s on his knees in front of me. My body is buzzing with excitement and with a need I thought would die out after our first weeks together, but it seems I will always feel this hunger and desire when it comes to Blaine. The need to be close to him, to be with him, to touch him, and to have his fingers on my body. To have his lips kissing all his favorite parts of my body.

My underwear are removed just as slowly as my shirt, and for a few moments he just sits there and looks at me. His eyes on me don’t make me feel self-conscious, they might have at some point in my life, but now I just close my eyes and revel in the feeling of him watching me. Seconds past where everything is quiet, the only sound heard are the waves crashing gently on the shore.

Then his hand is on me, stroking me, making me hard. I open my eyes and look down at him, my mesmerizing boyfriend. He showed me what love was, with his openness and raw honesty. His love for me was so strong even when he didn’t know what it meant. He made me feel wanted, like I was the only one. He made me discover who I was. He made me discover my body in a new way. He made me fall in love, and I should have realized that there was no going back. I don’t know how I thought I could move on from that, how I thought I could live without it. Now I know I never could. I’m his for the rest of my life, whether he decides to stay with me or not.

Our eyes connect when his mouth replaces his hand, but the sight is too much, and I have to close my eyes again. Small moans of pleasure leave my lips as he moves up and down my cock, his tongue is everywhere I need it to be. His lips are firm and move in a deliciously slow pace that makes me dizzy. My legs are suddenly weak, and I don’t think I’ll be able to do this standing up.

“I need to lie down,” I say in a voice that’s shaky and barely audible. Days of anticipation, the long journey, and the decision to skip dinner is catching up with me, leaving my body feeling faint, especially since all blood has left my brain, heading elsewhere.

“Okay,” Blaine says and stands up, his arms instantly around me, keeping me from falling. His lips are on mine, kissing me with that same slow, burning desire. My body is hot with want for him, screaming for more. More friction, more touches, more tongue. _More everything_.

He pushes me gently down on the lounger, and I relax against the soft cushions. He steps out of his underwear, and then his body is pressed against mine, skin against skin, connecting everywhere. “I’ve wanted to this all day,” he whispers. “To be here, to touch you like this.”

“Me too.” It comes out more as whimper than actual words. “I need you, Blaine.”

“I’m right here. Whatever you need, Kurt, I’m always right here.”

My hands on his cheeks, I pull him in for a kiss. My legs wrap around his, pushing him closer to me. His body moves above me in small rocking motions as our tongues connect and dance around each other. I thrust up, feeling his cock against mine. I love that feeling, and right now I desperately need for that feeling to never end. 

Slow hands move up and down my arms, almost soothingly, while I desperately clutch my fingers to his back, fingernails leaving crescent marks. The urge to have him close too strong to hold back. I need him. Tonight, tomorrow, right there, oh God I need him right there. Whatever it is he’s doing with his body, with his fingers and lips, I need him to never stop.

“ _Blaine…_ ” My voice is hoarse, and I don’t know why. I don’t understand where this desperation is coming from, but there’s no desire to analyze it when there’s a craving burning inside me. I want him like this, in every which way I can have him, always.

His kisses are everywhere. Leaving wet little marks on my lips, on my cheek, on my neck. Him licking and nibbling at my earlobes, his breath hot against my ear, is a pleasure trigger I never knew I had. It drives me crazy, and I writhe beneath him, unable to stop. I push myself against him, the friction we’re creating is everything. My fingers trail down his crack, push at his hole, and the sounds leaving his mouth are so sinful that the heat keeps building inside me.

I feel Blaine starting to pull away from me, like he’s leaving me. My body protests. I need him to stay. I need him to touch me. I wrap my legs tighter around him, holding him in place.

“I’m just going to get lube,” Blaine whispers softly. His voice is like a balm trying to sooth the craving my desire leaves within me, as if he can feel it. But he can’t leave.

“No,” I practically whimper. “Stay, baby. This is good. Please don’t move away from me.” _Who needs lube when there’s pre-cum and sweat-slicked bodies making everything smooth?_ I don’t need tonight to be anything more than him sliding against me, our cocks rubbing against each other. I just like touching him there. We can take it further any other night this week, but not tonight. Right now I’m close and him getting up, even just for a few seconds, would break this feeling and I can’t have that. I need to stay connected to him. I need him to bring me _there_ now. “I don’t need lube. I just need you like this.”

Blaine doesn’t say anything, but he stays. With his body back against mine, he starts moving his hips again. My fingers are in his hair, tugging, making him moan, making him move faster. Making him whisper my name. 

“ _Kurt… fuck..._ ” Blaine’s voice is close but yet distant somehow. He’s here, I can feel him, so I must be the one being somewhere else.

Our kisses lose focus, our movements become erratic, as the heat inside me keeps building. With my hands on his hips, I guide him. I decide the speed, the pressure with which I need him, to bring us closer. Blaine’s moans come out faster, louder. And then I’m there. I shut my eyes hard, my fingernails digging into his ass, and shout his name into our kiss. I hear him making sounds too, but my mind can’t take in anything but my own orgasm.

I have no perception of what’s going on around me for the next seconds or minutes. I don’t know how Blaine gets there, but his body lies heavily on top of me. He’s panting, and his breathing is irregular. I move my hands from his ass to his back, cradle his body in my arms, keeping him in this moment. He’s warm, and there are beads of sweat forming on his back.

“Let’s go into the ocean,” Blaine says against my neck.

“Let’s stay in this moment forever,” I respond. My brain is still hazy from that orgasm, and I can’t think about anything but staying here with Blaine and just breathe.

“I need to cool down.”

“I need you in my arms.” I’m selfish, I know, but I’m not ready to let this moment go yet.

“Come with me then.” Blaine’s words are soft on my skin.

“I don’t think I can move.”

“I’ll carry you.”

“But I’m naked,” I try to protest.

“We’ve gone skinny dipping before.”

To every one of my protests, he has an answer. I don’t know why he’s so adamant about it, but there’s no energy left in me to care about reasons. Especially not when he’s lifting me up and carrying me across the terrace, down on the beach and into the ocean.

The water is warmer than I expected, but still cool against my heated skin. Blaine dives into the water, swims a few feet before he returns to me. Water droplets on his skin glisten in the moonlight when he resurfaces.

He’s standing close to me, our bodies connected at the hips, his arms around my waist. “I’m sorry I made you come into the water with me. I just felt as if my skin was too tight and itchy, like there was fire burning underneath. I just had to dive in to cool that heat, but I didn’t want to be apart from you. Not after that.” His eyes are looking back at me with so much passion and some kind of raw, open vulnerability, it makes my heart feel tight. He’s always so open and honest, and sometimes I love him so much it hurts.

“This is nice,” I assure him. “I like being in the water. Are you feeling better now?”

“Yes, much better,” he says and kisses me. “That was really intense, Kurt.”

“Yeah? You felt that too?”

“Seeing you like that, so in control but yet so lost in the moment, was beautiful and intense. And so hot! It made me feel... I don’t know how to explain it really, Kurt. Just like you needed me. It made it all the more intense for me.” 

I lift him up, and he wraps his legs around my waist. “I do need you. In everything,” I say holding him tight, looking into moonlight reflecting eyes.

“I need you too, Kurt,” Blaine says, his arms around my shoulders.

“Do you ever think it will stop? The feeling of needing you?”

“I hope not.” Blaine sighs blissfully and kisses me. “I hope we always stay like this. I like us like this.”

“I do too, especially when we share moments like that,” I say and think back at the sex we just had. “I don’t know how we do it, but every time I’m with you, it’s like I’m experiencing something new, something more. More intense, more powerful. More beautiful. And I just can’t get enough of it.”

“I can’t get enough of you,” Blaine chuckles. “We’re just compatible, you know. Like we’re meant to be. Like we were made for each other.”

“I like that thought,” I say and smile. I like that thought a lot. I was definitely made for him, there’s no question that my heart belongs to him, that it always has. And I believe he feels the same. When that realization hits me, I start backing out of the water with Blaine still in my arms. Maybe I need tonight to be more after all.

-x-x-

**Blaine, January 3rd – 6th 2018**

We spend our days pretty much the same way. We sleep in, stay in bed long after we’ve woken up and then spend the days lazing in the sun or in the shade under the pergola. Always together, never leaving each other’s side unless we need to use the bathroom. Sometimes we go snorkeling or take a walk around the peninsula, but mostly we stay in our own little piece of heaven. Phones are left inside, stowed away in our bags.

The nights are for making love. Passionate or slow, inside or under the stars, we let our bodies decide what they want, let them do the talking, and our minds just follow. The nights are my favorites because they’re also for intimate conversations.

We only interact with the outside world when the need for food becomes too great to ignore. We always eat at the small restaurant the hotel offers, only staying long enough to finish our meals, both eager to go back to our own place. We’re high on love, and it’s the only kind of high I crave these days.

Kurt and I have always managed to create this bubble around us when we want to. This place where nothing or no one can interfere with us. That’s where we are now. It’s just him and me and nothing else exists. This is truly what I wanted this vacation to be.

This trip was for Kurt, but it has been exactly what I needed. We haven’t had much time to just be us since we got back together, but these last couple of days with him have given us just that. And it’s given me time to heal. Time which I’ve needed but never really gotten before. Time with Kurt heals me.

My heart was broken into a million tiny, little pieces when we broke up - pieces that were scattered everywhere with no hope of ever finding their way back. Some of the pieces that remained, that managed to cling to my chest, I crushed on my own with the way I was living without him. But every day I get to spend with him, every time we make love, every moment he’s by my side, piece by piece is put back in place, and my heart is slowly healing and becoming whole again.

Tomorrow we’ll leave this paradise and go back to New York. It makes me restless to think about it. I want to stay here with Kurt forever. But there’s still a couple of more hours left and sleep can be saved for the trip home.

We’re sitting on the beach with our toes buried in the sand. Our backs are resting against a leaning palm tree, its trunk so close to the ground, it makes a perfect back rest. The leaves of another leaning palm tree are swaying low above us in the slight night breeze. We’ve been spending some afternoons here, close to the water and with the leaves giving a perfect shade from the hot sun. We’ve made jokes about how this is our paradise version of the weeping willow back in Lima. The only difference is that there’s nothing to hide from here, no worries or troubling thoughts weighing me down, only happy memories.

My head is leaning against Kurt’s shoulder as I gaze out over the ocean. The moonlight makes the waves glitter as they slowly roll against the shore. Stars are scattered above us, shining bright in the night sky. It’s still warm even if it’s long past midnight. We’re shirtless, never bothering to put them back on after they were hastily discarded in favor for eager fingers and desperate bodies.

“What are your plans for Monday?” Kurt asks. “Are you going back to the studio or do you have something else scheduled?”

“Do we really have to talk about that now? Can’t we just be in the here and now, and not back in everyday life?” I don’t want to think about leaving this place or going back to work. Even if my contract has been renegotiated, and I actually enjoy performing and promoting my music, it’s not something I want to think of on my last night here.

“Okay,” Kurt says, “but can I at least ask if everything is settled for next weekend?”

“Yes, Jeff is taking care of all the details. The hotel reservations are made as are the flight arrangements. And the concert tickets are at home.”

I have arranged for our high school friends to fly out to meet us in New York. I wanted them to see me perform, so I got them tickets and decided to put them up in a nice hotel because I don’t think I can fit them all into our apartment. The show is on Saturday, and then on Sunday we’ve invited them all to brunch.

“Are you sure Quinn is up for the concert?” Kurt asks a little concerned.

“She’s pregnant, Kurt, not ill. I’m pretty sure she can sit through a concert of mine. Unless you think my music is terrible and will scar the baby for life.”

“Very funny, baby,” Kurt says sarcastically. “You know I love your music,” he adds with a kiss to the top of my head. “I’m just worried about her and the baby. It will be so much that weekend with the flights and everything.”

“You’re cute when you worry,” I say and trace my fingers down his thigh, “but I’m sure she can handle it. Otherwise she will let us know.”

“I still can’t believe they’re married and having a baby. It’s crazy, you know. Puck as a dad, can you picture that?” Kurt asks with a laugh.

“I can picture you as a dad,” I say before I can stop the words coming out of my mouth. 

I keep my eyes on the ocean, not daring to look at him, and hope he’ll let the comment slip. We haven’t talked about what we want from our future. I know what I want, but I don’t want to scare him. We’ve been taking it one day at a time so far, and I don’t know if now is a good time to start talking about things that are far in the future. Things that may never become a reality.

“Yeah?” Kurt asks. “Do you think I will be a good dad?”

“You will be the best dad,” I say, relieved that he isn’t freaking out about the subject. “You’ll be the kind of dad that makes sure that our kids always feel loved and seen.” I know this because that’s how he makes me feel. “And we’ll have the best dressed kids in all of Manhattan.”

Kurt chuckles. “Yep, we sure will. Wait, _kids_? As in more than one?”

“I remember what it was like having a brother before he left me. We had some good times, and there were lots of laughter. He took care of me. I want that for my kids, too.”

“What else can you picture?” Kurt asks.

“You and me together forever,” I say and turn my face to look at Kurt. He leans in to kiss me.

“I like that,” he says.

I lean my head on his shoulder again. “I picture us living somewhere else, but still in New York, married, with one boy and one girl.” I don’t know what’s gotten into me - maybe it’s the time we’ve got to spend together here, just being us with nothing else to worry about, maybe it’s the way he responded to talking about kids, but there’s nothing holding me back in.

“Is that something you want?” Kurt asks carefully, like he’s not sure I meant what I said. “Marrying me?”

“ _Kurt_. Of course it is,” I say. I don’t want to deny what I feel or try to pretend I don’t secretly dream about marrying him some day. “I love you and I will never stop loving you. I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me, and one day I want to make you my husband.”

“Then let’s do it.”

“Now?” I ask carefully, not quite sure of what he actually means.

“Well, not right now, baby. But maybe later this year.”

I sit up on my knees and look at him. Last time this topic was up for conversation, he made it pretty clear he had wasn’t there yet. Now I think he’s saying that he is. My heart is beating fast - it’s all I can hear, all I can feel. “Are you asking me to marry you?”

Kurt looks back at me, sitting up too. There’s no hesitation in his eyes or his voice. “Yes. Yes I am,” he says. Then he laughs and shakes his head slightly. “Oh God, this is not the proposal you deserve, and I don’t have a ring, and I… I have nothing planned or prepared, and…”

“This is perfect, Kurt,” I say and take his hands in mine, my heart dancing with joy. “Our relationship has never been traditional, it makes perfect sense that this moment isn’t either.”

“I love you, Blaine.” Kurt says, silvery blue eyes looking back at me. “I’ve always loved you, long before I even realized it. I’ve made some terrible mistakes when it comes to us, but I’ve never stopped loving you. Will you marry me?”

“It took me forever to realize that I loved you, I was a mess-”

“A beautiful mess,” Kurt interjects, kissing my knuckles.

“Okay, _a beautiful mess_ ,” I chuckle, “but still a mess. I was so lost and confused, but you always made me feel like I was okay, that it was okay to not have everything figured out. You accepted me, and you never pushed me into being someone I wasn’t sure I was comfortable being. I’ve made mistakes too, God knows I’ve made mistakes, but you forgave me, and I feel lucky, so lucky, for every day I get to spend with you. So, yes, I will definitely marry you.”

There, on the beach, with the moon and the stars as our only witnesses, I lean in, let go of his hands and place mine on his back, press my bare chest against his, and kiss him. Kurt’s hands are on my shoulders as he parts his lips to let my tongue in. Everything but this kiss and this moment cease to exist. _Kurt asked me to marry him!_ My fingers move up his back to his cheeks, holding him firmly, I deepen the kiss. Kurt’s fingers are in my hair, pulling, but also pressing me closer. I lie down on the sand and pull him down on top of me, my lips never leaving his. 

“Did we just get engaged?” Kurt asks when we break the kiss. He can’t stop smiling when he shakes his head a little in disbelief.

“I think so,” I say and laugh.

“I’m going to get you the most beautiful ring you’ve ever seen,” Kurt says, rubbing circles with his fingers on my chest.

“Can we look at rings together?” I ask, leaning up slightly. “I want to give you a ring, too, but I want you to be a part of the decision. I know it’s untraditional, and if you rather I picked one out for you, then I’d happily do that, but I just want to do this with you.”

“I thought we already concluded that our relationship wasn’t the traditional kind,” Kurt says, kissing my lips. “I love the idea of us doing this together. We’re going to make a lot of decisions together in the future, and I think it would be perfect to start with this.”

“You are perfect,” I say. “I hope I’ve made this clear to you before, but you're the only one for me Kurt. You always have been. I never knew it was possible to feel this way about someone, not until I fell in love with you. I’m going to be the best husband and make sure you’ll never regret giving me a second chance.”

“You mesmerize me, Blaine,” Kurt says and sighs blissfully.

“ _When we’re close like this, I get hypnotized. When I kiss your lips, I get mesmerized_.” I sing the words in a low voice, feeling those feelings all over again.

“I love that song. It’s my favorite one of yours,” Kurt confesses.

“Really?” He never told me this before. “Why?”

“It was the first song you wrote to me. And you never recorded it, so it’s like that song is still only yours and mine. It makes it special to me.”

“Okay, now it’s my favorite one, too.”

“It told me so much about how you felt about me, and I was so proud of you when you got up on that stage and performed one of your own songs,” Kurt says. “That was the first night we made love, do you remember?”

“Of course, I remember,” I say and smile. Like I could ever forget that moment. “I might want an encore tonight.”

“I think that can be arranged,” Kurt smiles. “We have like two more hours before we have to leave, right?”

“I don’t know if two hours will be enough…” It’s a joke because we both know we never last that long even if we tried.

Kurt chuckles and kisses me one more time before he moves away from me and sits back up again. I sit up too, and Kurt brushes off sand from my arm and back. Kurt makes place between his legs, and I happily make myself comfortable with my back against his chest. I take his hands in mine and let them rest on my belly. I look at the beautiful view in front of us, taking it in one final time. The sun is slowly rising in the east, tinting the sky orange in the horizon. I think I would like us to return here every year, getting away from busy lives and hectic schedules. This place has become special to me – after all we did promised to share forever together here.

“So we’re getting married and having kids,” Kurt starts letting out a small, incredulous laughter. “Have you pictured any names for our future kids, too?”

“No, not yet, but I’m sure you have,” I say and chuckle. “You’ve had like twenty minutes to think about it.”

“Well...” Kurt sounds mysteriously. “There might be a name or two coming to mind.”

“I sure hope it is two, it would be so weird calling both kids by the same name.”

Kurt begins to laugh. “God, you’re such a dork!”

“A dork you agreed to marry,” I respond, laughing too.

“Yeah, don’t know what I was thinking there…” Kurt jokes, but he still receives an unappreciative pinch. But then we both laugh, and Kurt hugs me a little tighter.

“Blaine Hummel,” I say, trying the name. “I like that.”

“You can’t change your name, Blaine,” Kurt says, sounding so serious and concerned. “Everyone knows you as Blaine Anderson.”

“Kurt,” I say and sit up so that I can look at him again. “Have you not learnt that I don’t care what everyone else thinks? That this is our lives, and we make the decisions in it, not whoever might have a problem with my new name. The Hummel’s are my family, and I’ll proudly carry your name.”

“Blaine…” Kurt let’s out a fond sigh. “How is my heart ever going to survive living with you?”

I think it’s a rhetorical question, so I refrain myself from answering even though I could probably come up with an answer. Instead I sit back between his legs and gaze up at the sky.

“Dad is going to cry so much when we tell him this,” Kurt says and starts massaging my scalp, his fingers buried deep in my hair. It makes me shiver in the best possible way.

“Yeah, I know,” I say and feel something warm spread inside me. Suddenly the thought of going back home feels a little lighter because we get to tell Burt our news. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I tell him I’m changing my name.

“I can’t wait to share the rest of my life with you.” Kurt’s voice is soft and filled with love as his fingers continue to move across my head. I feel his chest rise and fall in a slow, even pace beneath me. He’s relaxed and content, and so am I.

“With you in it, it’s sure to be a wonderful life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to take the opportunity to thank each and every one of you who has been reading and leaving kudos and comments throughout this story! It means so much to me that you have and it has made this journey unforgettable. Because this sure has been a journey for me! I never expected so much positive feedback, never expected to read all the wonderful things you have written in the comments. Thank you will never be enough, but that's all I have :)
> 
> Roxy - I don't think either of us knew what we got ourselves into when we started to work on this together, but it's been so much fun and I'm sure this experience wouldn't have been the same for me without you! I've learnt so much from you when it comes to writing and grammar (even though I keep making the same mistakes over and over again) and there would have been some weird expressions in this, that makes perfect sense in my language but absolutely no sense in English, if it wasn't for you. But I've also learnt a lot about myself from you, and I'm sure I would still be a mess if it wasn't for your constant support. All my kudos to you!! ❤❤❤
> 
> This experience with Beautiful Mess has certainly given me inspiration to write more,and I have ideas for longer and shorter things. But first I'm going to take a long summer break before I even think about returning to my computer. So until then, enjoy life!


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